- I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry! I'm Hannah and on this channel, I make videos about sex and relationships and make sure you subscribe
and hit that notification bell if you haven't already. We are back from a
week's break off videos. Did you even notice that
there was no video last week? Who cares. But we are back and
this is another episode of Who Am I in Bed? This is the series where
we go through a whole bunch of different personality
quizzes that are about love and relationships and sex. And today is an interesting
one that I don't know if many people have heard about, but it's the Apology Language, and it was created by the same people who created the Five Love Languages. We already did a video on that
if you wanna check it out. But apparently, as well as
speaking different languages when it comes to love, we
also speak different languages in apologies. Who knew? At this point in the game,
I could not even tell you what those languages are. I have actually done this test before, but I cannot for the life of
me remember what my result was or remember what any of the categories of Apology Languages are. So this video, I'm gonna
go through the test so you can see what the questions are and the different options for answers, and what my answers are and
we can talk through them. And then, at the end, we will have a look at the different languages for apologies. Vaguely, I remember
there's ones that are about admitting that you were wrong, ones about trying to make amends and doing something practical
to make things better. Other one's about being
really really sorry and grovelling in how sorry you are. And maybe some other
ones, I cannot remember. But if, without doing this
test, off the top of your head, you can think of "How is the best way that
someone could apologise to me "if they did something to
hurt me, what would that be?" And leave it in the comments,
and then see if it is accurate to what you get in the quiz. So if I were to guess, I think I prefer it when I get an "I'm sorry". I actually need to hear
the words, "I'm sorry", and that might not actually
be the case for everyone. I think I also need some acknowledgement that my feelings or
whatever it is were hurt, or that they did something wrong. I actually need the person
who's apologising to me to understand, really
understand what it's about. I think it hurts me even
more if I just an "I'm sorry" but I don't believe that they think that they did anything wrong. So that's what I know
about myself at the moment, and now we're gonna get to
know myself a little more and you can follow along
and do the quiz at home. It's literally on the Five
Love Languages website and you just go to quizzes and apology. Also, when I did this, apparently
there's an anger language? This is also news to me, as
of about five minutes ago. So let me know if you
want a video on that, although I don't know if it
would be a Who Am I in Bed quiz. We'll see. Okay, so we are diving in. "Your spouse failed to acknowledge
your wedding anniversary. "If you're not married, assume
you are in this scenario. "He/she should say:" Okay, first off, I really
hate it when things like this say he/she, because it
takes a lot less effort just to put they, and it
makes grammatical sense. "I can't believe I forgot. "You and our marriage
are so important to me. "I am so sorry." That sounds like what I wanna hear. "There is no excuse for me forgetting. "What was I thinking?" I don't really know what that one's about. "What can I do to prove my love for you?" That's the making amends thing. "You can bet I won't forget next year! "I'm going to circle the
date on my calendar!" I actually think I would
hate that as a response 'cause I'll be like, "I don't
give a fuck about next year, "I give a fuck about
right now, how dare you!" "I know you're hurt but
can you ever forgive me?" I don't really think this is something that needs forgiveness. I also just don't really think
this is a super big deal, although I would want
some acknowledgement. The acknowledgement can literally just be, "It's our wedding anniversary today." I'll be like, "Great." (laughs) I think it's the, "I can't believe I forgot,
you are so important to me, "I am so sorry." That's me. "Your mother knew how
you felt about a matter "and knowingly went against your wishes. "She should say: "If only I had thought
about what I was doing, "I would have realised it was wrong. "What can I do to regain your respect? "I won't take your feelings
for granted in the future." Oh this is difficult. "Will you give me another chance? "I knew how you felt but went
against your wishes anyway. "I wish I had not done that." Ahhh! These are all so similar? Was she wrong though? Was it actually right for
her to do what she did? In this scenario, did my
feelings actually not matter and that actually be fine? Who knows! Anyway, I'm overthinking things. Ahh, "Will you give me another chance?" I think I know what I want. I wanna know why. I wanna know why she did
it, so I can understand. I don't want any of these things. I wanna know her why. So maybe it's the "What can
I do to regain your respect?" 'Cause then I can be like, "You
can tell me why you did it." (laughs) And then that would help me. Why is this hard? We're only 5% of the way in. I don't know. The, "What can I do to
regain your respect?" Sure, let's do that one. "You were in a crisis and needed help, "but your friend ignored your need. "They should say:" Ooh, they ignored me when I needed help. "Saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't
feel like it is enough. "What more can I say or
do to mend our friendship? "I realise now that I could
have been more help to you, "and I promise that I'll
do everything I can do "to help you if you ever
are in trouble again." Hmm, I like that, I like that. "I'm sincerely sorry and
ask you to forgive me." Yeah, I don't really think I care about the asking for forgiveness thing. "I should have been there for you. "I'm sorry I let you down." That's a good "I'm sorry". "I let you down when
you needed me the most. "I made a terrible mistake." Yes, realise your mistakes. I think the one that I
was most drawn to is the, "I realise now that I
could've been more help "and I promise that I'll
do everything that I can "to do to help you if you're
ever in trouble again." I like that one. "Your sister made an
insensitive remark about you." How dare you, Leah. "She should say: "While I will likely say wrong
things again in the future, "what I've learned from
this experience will help me "avoid hurting you with
insensitive comments." Imagine if she said something that formal. I'd be like, "What the fuck?" "I blew it! "Can you forgive me?" Can you forgive me, sister? "That was so thoughtless of me. "I wish I had been more
considerate of your feelings." Ooh, I like that one. "I know what I said was wrong "and that I hurt your feelings." But are you sorry about it, or are you glad you hurt my feelings? Think about that. "Would you allow me to
retract what I said? "I would like a chance to
restore your reputation." I don't even know if that is, why would you even bother with that? Imagine if she said
something on the Internet. I'd be like, "Too late
now, reputation destroyed." I like, "That was so thoughtless of me. "I wish I had been more
considerate of your feelings." I like that one. "Your spouse lashed out
in anger against you "when you had done no apparent wrong." Dan, how dare you. "He should say: "I'm truly sorry for yelling at you. "I hope that you can find it
in your heart to forgive me." I'm sorry, I'm not mocking people who need to be asked for forgiveness. If that is your apology language, I respect you and your truth. But apparently, those ones just
aren't gelling well with me. "I wish I had not hurt
you by yelling at you. "I feel so bad for how I treated you. "I was angry, but I had no
right to speak to you that way. "You did not deserve that." No, I did not. "What can I do to say or make things right "between you and me?" Eh, I don't, maybe, maybe? "I'm afraid that I'll do this
again, and I don't want to. "Help me think of ways to avoid blowing up "like this in the future." I mean, I think that
should be a necessity, despite all of these. That just should be done for everybody, no matter what your Apology Language is. That is the necessary
thing, but emotionally, I want to hear, "I was angry but I had no
right to speak to you that way. "You did not deserve that." I need to hear that first
to emotionally repair, and then I need to do the, "Okay, let's workshop this thing." (laughs) "You were proud of your accomplishment, "but your friend acted
as if it were trivial. "They should say: "You needed me to share your
excitement, and I let you down. "I hate that I didn't
respond more appropriately." I love these formal apology emails that my friends are sending to me. "I spoiled your celebration
by not being happy for you. "I could make excuses, but really, "I have no good excuse for
ignoring your achievement." Yeah, both of these two,
to be honest, I like. "Is it too late for us to
celebrate your accomplishment? "I really want to make this up to you." Ooh, I like that one, and I haven't previously been into the, "Oh, let me make it up to
you, what can I do" thing. But in this case, I like the kinda, "Ah shit, I fucked up,
let's celebrate now." "I promise I'll notice and celebrate "your accomplishments in the future. "I've learned a hard lesson. "I know I failed you before, "but will you ever forgive me again?" Wow, these people are dramatic. Okay, apparently I think
that asking for forgiveness is dramatic, but maybe
that says more about me. I think I want to do the
celebrating the accomplishment after the fact. Okay, let's speed up through these. (light music) Okay, this answer is bullshit. So, "A coworker has poked fun
at you and embarrassed you "in front of others in the workplace", and one of the things
that they could say is, "It's easy to take others'
feelings for granted, "but I want to be more
considerate of you and others "in the future. "Will you help hold me accountable?" And it's like, "No, you just hurt me. "You are not my responsibility. "I am not holding you accountable "for your own shitty behaviour." (laughs) What? No, hold yourself accountable! Find somebody else who you've not hurt to hold you accountable. I'm not, anyway. Wow, this one made me angry. I was like, "Are you kidding?" All right anyway, what
do I want them to do? (light music) One of the potential things
that someone could say in this scenario is, "Listening is such an important part "of a strong relationship,
but once again, I blew it." Which implies that this
has happened many times. None of the others have implied
that it's a repeat offence. (light music) 50%, 50%. Oh okay, this is the first one
that actually applies to me. "Although you had expressed your annoyance "with a particular
habit many times before, "your spouse continued
exhibiting the behaviour "to spite you." Oh wait no, this is different. He doesn't do it to spite me, or does he? This behaviour is him leaving
his beer cans in the office and not putting them in the bin, and then I come into the
office in the morning and there's just beer cans everywhere and I'm like, "The fuck?" (laughs) But he's not
doing it to spite me, he literally just, sometimes
he doesn't even, anyway. I'm fine. "I've taken this too far. "I'm very sorry for not
being more considerate "of your wishes. "I wouldn't like it if you did that to me. "Okay, I admit it, I'm
annoying you on purpose "and that's neither funny nor fair. "I need to act more mature than that." Yes you do. "Saying 'I'm sorry'
won't take back the fact "that I've knowingly tried to annoy you. "What more can I do to
win back your favour? "I have gotten into the habit
of disregarding your wishes "and I don't want to go on doing that. "From now on, I'm going
to make an extra effort "to honour your wishes. "I've tried your patience "and now I'm asking you to forgive me. "Will you allow me a fresh start
in honouring your requests?" "I've taken this too far, "I'm very sorry for not being
considerate of your wishes", that's me. This one says, "Your father
gave you the 'silent treatment' "as a way of making you
feel guilty about something "on which the two of you disagreed." Dad, why are you giving
me the silent treatment? You're a fifty-something
year old man, get a grip! I think it's really interesting how, depending on the
situation, if it's spouse, a certain family member
or if it's a colleague, then my answers are different. The type of apology I want is different. And also, I'm thinking
about actually these people and my specific personal
relationship with them. Like with my dad, I would
love if he took me out for dinner if he did something
wrong and wanted to apologise and make it up for me, because I love having dinner with my dad. But the whole doing something
to make it up for me isn't something that I
care about necessarily in other scenarios? I don't know. (light music) Okay, this sentence would
be so much more simpler if they'd just used
they instead of he/she. "Despite his/her promise
to keep your secret, "your coworker broke your trust in him/her "by telling others in the office. "He/she should say:" What? It just makes your sentence
a mess and difficult. (light music) Ooh, I'm done, I'm done,
I'm done, I'm done. Come on, come on, come on. Ooh! My Apology Language is
Accept Responsibility. Ooh, is that what I was expecting? I don't know. Let's find out, okay. (laughs) As predicted, 0% Request Forgiveness. I don't, I don't need that. I do my own internal forgiving, I guess. I don't know. Okay, so I have 35% Accept Responsibility, 30% Make Restitution. Wow, this is the opposite
of what I said it would be at the beginning, because
then I'm 25% Expressing Regret and then only 10% Genuinely Repent. So maybe I do care more
about the practical apology of "how are you gonna make amends?" Wow okay, so let's read
about Accept Responsibility. "It's very difficult for some
people to admit they're wrong. "It makes them doubt their self-worth, "and no ones likes to be
portrayed as a failure. "However, as adults, we
must all admit that we make "and will make mistakes." Oh, this is, I think, kind
of the one that I said I thought I would be,
where I need them to know that they did something wrong. (harp music) I think it hurts me even more
if I just get an "I'm sorry", but I don't believe that they think that they did anything wrong. "We are going to make poor
decisions that hurt our partners, "and we are going to have
to admit that we were wrong. "We have to accept responsibility
for our own failures. "For many individuals, all
they want is to hear the words, "'I am wrong.'" Beautiful, beautiful words to my ears. Ah, but I don't need the
"I am sorry" necessarily, because the "I am sorry" is
empty unless they recognise that they were wrong. No one step on my toes! All right, okay. "If the apology neglects
accepting responsibility "for their actions, many
partners will not feel "as though the apology was
meaningful and sincere." Tick, tick, tick! "Many partners need to learn
how to overcome their ego, "their desire to not
be viewed as a failure, "and simply admit that
their actions were wrong." It's more difficult than you think. Even as someone whose Apology Language is Accepting Responsibility, sometimes I find it hard
to accept responsibility. "For a counterpart who
speaks this Apology Language, "if an apology does not admit fault, "it is not worth hearing." (laughs) "Being sincere in your apology
means allowing yourself "to be weak, and admitting
that you make mistakes. "Though it may be hard
to do for some people, "it makes of world a
difference to your partner "who speaks this language." There we go. I really like this, even
though the questions were about all kinds of different
relationships that you might have, this description is about your partner, your romantic or sexual partner. I have to buy the book to find
out more about the others. Right. (light music) 20 minutes later, I have
gone through the quiz again four times, trying to
get each of the answers, so you don't have to, and
now we have the results for all of them. Make Restitution. "In our society, many people believe "that wrong acts demand justice." (laughs) "The one who commits the crime "should pay for their wrongdoing. "A person who speaks this love language "feels the same way towards apologies." What is that love language? Acts of service? I don't know. "They believe that in order to be sincere, "the person who is apologising
should justify their actions. "The partner who's been
hurt simply wants to hear "that their counterpart still loves them. "They believe that in order to be sincere, "the person who is apologising "should justify their actions." This is what I was saying before
about needing to know why, why they fucked me over. "The partner who's been
hurt simply wants to hear "their counterpart still loves them." "I hurt you because I love
you", that is a red flag. "There are many effective
ways to demonstrate sincerity "in an apology. "Each partner must learn
the other's love language "in order to complete
the act of restitution." Ohhh, okay. So the way that they make amends to you is through your love language. But actually, this is
something that abusers in relationships do. They use your love language against you. When they know what it is
and they do things to you that hurt you emotionally, physically, they will apologise to
you in a way that suits your love language, which is why then you get that yo-yo effect
in abusive relationships. But if you're not in
an abusive relationship and your partner does
something to hurt you, then obviously using your love language is gonna be a nice way
to make it up to you. "Though some counterparts
may feel as though "all is forgotten with
a bouquet of flowers, "that may not necessarily
work for all mates. "Every mate should uncover
what their partner's "main love language is," we did a whole video on that, "and use that specific language "in order to make restitutions
in the most effective way. "For a mate whose primary Apology Language "is making restitution, no
matter how often you say "'I'm sorry' or 'I was wrong', "your mate will never
find the apology sincere. "You must show strong
efforts for making amends. "A genuine apology will be
accompanied by the assurance "that you still love your
counterpart and have a desire "to right the wrong-doings committed." There we go, but it has to
come from a sincere place, not a manipulative place. Let's learn about the one I scored 0% for, Request Forgiveness. "In some relationships, people
want to hear their partner "physically ask for forgiveness. "They want assurance that
their partner recognises "the need for forgiveness. "By asking forgiveness for their actions, "the partner is really
asking their counterpart "to still love them." Ooh, deep. "Requesting forgiveness
assures the counterpart "that you want to see the
relationship fully restored. "It also proves to them
that you are sincerely sorry "for what you've done. "It shows that you realise
you've done something wrong. "Requesting forgiveness also
shows that you are willing "to put the future of the
relationship in the hands "of the offended partner. "You are leaving the final
decision up to them - "to forgive or not forgive." There you go. Does anyone relate to that? Not me! (laughs) Okay, and finally, let's
learn about the difference between Expressing Regret
and Genuinely Repent. "'Expressing Regret'
is the Apology Language "that zeroes in on emotional hurt. "It is an admission of guilt
and shame for causing pain "to another person. "For those who listen for
'Expressing Regret' apologies, "a simple 'I'm sorry'
is all they look for. "There is no need for
explanation or 'pay back', "provided the apology has
truly come from the heart. "'Expressing Regret' is a
powerful Apology Language "because it gets right to the point. "It doesn't make excuses or
attempt to deflect blame. "Above all, 'Expressing
Regret' takes ownership "of the wrong. "For that reason, 'Expressing
Regret' is understood "as a sincere commitment to repair "and rebuild the relationship. "The 'Expressing Regret' Apology Language "speaks most clearly when the
person offering the apology "reflects sincerity not only verbally, "but also through body language. "Unflinching eye contact
and a gentle firm touch "are two ways that body language
can underscore sincerity." There you go. If you want to fake Expressing
Regret, that's how you do it. There you go, it's saying "I'm
sorry" and feeling guilty. Okay, Genuinely Repent. "For some individuals, repentance
is the convincing factor "in an apology. "Some counterparts will doubt
the sincerity of an apology "if it is not accompanied
by their partner's desire "to modify their behaviour
to avoid the situation "in the future." There we go! I was wondering what those
ones were in answering. I was just like, "They want to improve "but it isn't making restoration, "it's not that direct thing "but it's still about taking action." Interesting. "It's important to remember
that all repentance "begins in the heart." It's just clear that I just don't know what the word repent means. So one thing that we do need
to know is that I'm pretty sure the creators of the Love Languages
and the Apology Languages are Christian, and this
comes through here. "It's important to remember
that all true repentance "begins in the heart. "A partner must feel poorly
for hurting their loved one, "and rely on God's help
in order to truly change." I do not agree with that. You don't need God's help to change. You can do that yourself. "Admitting you are wrong
creates vulnerability. "It allows your partner to
get a glimpse of your heart. "The glimpse of true self is assurance "that the apology was sincere. "One important aspect
of genuinely repenting "is verbalising your desire to change. "Your partner cannot read your mind. "Though you may be
trying to change inside, "if you do not verbalise your
desire to change to your mate, "most likely they will still be hurt. "It's important to remember
that change is hard. "Constructive change does not mean "we will immediately be successful. "There will be highs and
lows on the road to change. "You must remember that
anyone can change their ways "if they are truly and
genuinely ready to repent." So it makes sense that I didn't understand what the word repent meant, because I do not have
a religious background, especially not a repenting one. And then it also makes sense that that was my second
lowest score of 10%, even though I'm real
into personal development and self improvement, but
just not for other people. But I guess if I did hurt
people because of who I was, then maybe I would change who I was. Ooh, getting deep here now. Well, I certainly learnt things, like what the word repent means and that I want people to
admit that they were wrong when they hurt me, and
that the singular they works much better in
sentences than using he/she. I hope that you learnt something
as well from this video, and please let me know in the comments what your Apology Language is, and if you feel like it's
true, if it speaks to you. I'm also hoping that we will
be having in depth discussions about this in the common room Discord. We have a specific Who
Am I channel in there where people talk about
lots of different kinds of personality tests
and quizzes and stuff, so I'll be in there chatting away if you guys are interested, and you can get access to
the common room Discord through my Patreon, which
I'll link in the description. Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you in the next video, bye!
