How to Raise Great Children

coming up on marriage today with Jimmy & Karen children are temporary and when you have those children in your home for 18 or 19 years and in the process you violate your marriage or you violate your relationship with God because of those children a you've done them no favors whatsoever listen how can your children succeed unless they see you succeed [Music] raising great children as you build a great marriage we're going to talk about three principles very simple principles that are very profound and I promise if you do these principles because everybody can do it it's a very simple simple thing these three principles will cause you to succeed and when couples do not succeed in being married successfully in raising great kids it's because somewhere along the line these principles were forsaken so principle number one of the three marriage precedes children in priority now you know I know that I know that you believe that but but let me tell you about something that's real common and again this is innocent and it's it's right in some ways but some sometimes you'll hear people say nothing is as important to me is my children there was a program on one day it was on television it was a talk show and they had mothers behind the scenes and they didn't know that their husbands were watching from the other room okay so there were the husband's in one room the wives in the other room and they were talking about their children and these women were going around the room and they were saying nothing is as important to me as my children and it sounds great I mean it sounds like a good wholesome American thing to say well what they didn't know is their husbands were in the other room talking about how frustrated and violated they were that they didn't get enough of their wives because they were always busy mothering their children these husbands were bitter and frustrated and angry and the mothers were saying nothing is important to me as my children well the fathers can do the same thing so I'm not I'm not picking on women I'm saying if if you in your heart and your mind think nothing is as important to me as my children you're wrong there are two things more important than your children the first is God in the second is your marriage those two things are more important than your children and then once those things are set then your children are the third most important thing in your life and I mean let me talk about why this is such an important principle your relationship with God and your marriage is what makes you into a great parent when you when you wake up everyday and you have a relationship with God God heals you God fills you God loves you God gives you wisdom God gives you strength God solves problems that nobody else can solve God God enables us to to be parents Galatians 5 tells us about the fruits of the Holy Spirit it's love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control those are the nine relational qualities that make you a great spouse and a great parent and they come free from God but we don't have them on our own we have a very shallow veneer in and of ourselves but with God's it's it's listen it's amazing how petty we can be under pressure is people so quickly but under the power of the Holy Spirit is amazing how godly we can be under pressure it makes all the difference the world when I wake up in the morning and I pray and I depend on God it is amazing what I can do that day because I dependent on God as a husband and as a father but when I don't wake up and depend on God it is amazing how carnal I can be it is amazing the things that I can say and do that just you know that disappointment in myself and so a I've got to have God and B I need my spouse my marriage meets needs in me that God in my marriage meet you know 95 percent of the needs in my life so as a happy person because I know God and then because of a happy man because I know Karen and we have a great marriage I'm ready to parent I'm not I'm not overly needy I've got my needs met I've got my priorities right and my children's security comes from that when your children see you happy they're happy when your children see you secure they're secure research finds you know children internalize issues and research finds that if parents are fighting and never say anything that children can pick up on the tension in their relationship and they will internalize that and begin to get sick even if you're not fighting in front of them if you're not happy in your relationship if you're struggling in your relationship I'm talking about long term because we all have issues from time to time but if you're struggling in a relationship your children's security comes from you being secure you can't be securing your children you're secure from God in your marriage especially God and so choke marriage comes before children God comes before children and then our children are precious and they deserve the the best of us except for God in our spouse children are temporary and when you have those children in your home for 18 or 19 years and in the process you violate your marriage or you violate your relationship with God because of those children now you've done them no favors whatsoever listen how can your children succeed unless they see you succeed see we showed them a successful relationship let me let me say this another way and I want you to listen what I'm saying and this might sound arrogant but it's not arrogant you need to make this statement I want my children to be just like me if you if you don't want your children to be just like you you don't understand parenting because it's more caught than taught your life speaks louder than your lips they are studying your priorities they're studying your attitudes they're studying the way you resolve conflict they're studying your values they're studying your relationship with God and your beliefs in God they're studying not just what you're saying now they're studying the way you're living your life and so here's what I said Karen and I said related to us I want my children to be just like me I want them to have a church just like me I want them to have a relationship with the Lord just like me I want them to have a marriage just like me whatever actually my kids are better than our kids are better than us I mean our kids have taken it to the next level I am so proud of them they're better parents than we were and I'm saying do you want your children to be just like you because the way that I'm living my life is empowering them for success or it's confusing them and giving them something that they're gonna have to overcome later in life and so before parenting I need a relationship with God that is a humble dependent relationship with God that I'm allowing him to work in my life because every time God does something in my life it better and they're gonna find their security in that and there they're going to be blessed by that God comes first then my marriage then my children marriage precedes children in priority number two principle is unity is essential you have to be unified jesus said a house divided against itself can't stand if you're divided against yourself your house can't stand and so in in parenting you always present a united front these are these are four practices of unity I'm talking about unity now let me give you four points here number one always presenting united front to your children and never let your children divide you when you're a parent we're a two-headed monster and you'll never deal with one hit we're two-headed okay so they come up and they say can we go the movies with my friends let me talk to your mother she won't mind she said yes I want to hear from her lips why because you lie and so I'm gonna hear from her and not in front of you either okay now if it's a simple decision that's fine but what Karen and I would do is go in our room by ourselves with our children typically were in bed and we would sit down and sometimes we would argue because Julie has my personality brent has Karen's personality and so it was easy for me to understand Julie it was very challenging for Karen to understand Julie at times it was easy for Karen to understand Brent it was hard for me to understand Brent okay and so we would sit down and talk and we would represent the kids to each other always knowing that our marriage was more important than our children but sometimes we would have to sit there and talk to each other and I'd say Karen you don't understand what Julie's saying and she said I know exactly what she's saying I'm a woman you're not I know exactly I said no you don't like this so we would sit there and we'd have those conversations at the end of the conversation we would say this is what we're gonna do right okay we would walk out they didn't know anything about the conversation only thing that his mom and dad was a two-headed monster you're gonna get both of us and we're both saying exactly the same thing not this well I'd let you go but your mother won't you know well what does that say to kids you know you're divided at that point a house divided against itself cannot stand we are unified on everything that we do number two always honor each other in front of your children and make your children on to your spouse I you never disrespect each other in front of your children so if if my if our kids like I'm sitting there you know in the living room and I would hear Julie or Brent disrespect Karen I never made Karen defend herself I said I don't know you don't talk to your mother that way unity means what you do to her you did to me division means you can pick on them all day long and I'm just gonna sit here and watch it I'm just a spectator when when I heard a tone in their voice anything like that I would get up and I'd walk in there so you don't talk to mother that way you apologize to your mother like that and they knew you pick a fight with her you got to fight with that and the same was true of Karen and so always honor your if you have something to say you say it behind closed doors but don't put each other down with your kids around don't don't be sarcastic don't be demeaning and if your children because if you do the kids will pick up on that and they're gonna do the same thing so always honor each other number three never allow a significant difference to develop in how you express love or enforce discipline now this is the good cop bad cop thing and it this comes in two extremes your children need both of you to be affectionate with them and your children need both of you to discipline them sometimes a man at a certain age has to be the one that enforces the discipline okay just simply for precise or whatever it is but you both are empowered to discipline and you both support each other discipline but the horrible thing is see when one parent is a goof-off the other parent has to become more Stern in order to bring a balance in the family when one when one spouse is out of control the other spouse will go the opposite extreme to gain control if you're a spendthrift I'm gonna rathole money but we're not unified okay if if you're a goof-off and you're you're too fun and you you're too permissive with the kids that I'm gonna have to be more Stern and be the disciplinarian and what happens is because now I'm the disciplinarian I'm not able to show the affection you've robbed me of the ability to show the affection that I would show because now I've got to be the disciplinarian come together and make this commitment children need affection from their mother and father you don't make the woman the affectionate person or the man the affectionate person say well you're sweeter than me and you're more affectionate nature than me you give kids the affection they're sexual and emotional development is very very tied to the affectionate attention they get from both sexes both sexes so they both need you to affirm them verbally and be affectionate and they both need you to express discipline both in healthy ways as a united front don't get into the good cop bad cop thing they need two parents loving each other and getting along number four go outside of your marriage for counseling and input when you reach an impasse go outside your marriage your kids sometimes can push you to the wall you know and I mean you're just not objective so Ken and I were committed to every principle I'm talking to you right now we got to a circumstance we couldn't solve and we couldn't talk it out and it went on for a while and we we had a disagreement about one of our kids and our kids were great kids but you know that kids challenge and we had a circumstance that came up that I had an opinion on it she had an opinion on and it happened every day what like one of those things that comes up every six months it was every day event within our family and so we were we were challenged on this so I was pastor and I told Karen one day I said pick who you want to go to and we'll go to them and I'll submit to whatever they say and she said well who do you feel comfortable with so we talked about who we felt comfortable with it was a pastor and it was a woman and so we walked into this woman's office that we both respected and here's what I said now we're not here just to get your advice we're here to submit to your counsel we have an impasse in our family and there's something going on with with one of our children that we cannot solve so we're not gonna argue with you we're gonna tell you what's happening and whatever you say is gonna be God's voice to us we've already decided that okay so she said well tell me what's happening so Karen gave her side and I gave my side and she said Jimmy you're wrong I was wrong ken was right karen contended with me on that issue and I but I couldn't see it I was too emotionally involved and I was strongly opinionated and I just couldn't see it let me say thank God for that woman to counsel this thank God and thank God that I walked in there submitted and not arguing because she took care in sight but it wasn't Karen side it was God's side because Karen was right so when you when you reach an impasse don't let it destroy your marriage don't let it take you out everybody comes to those points everyone's gonna come two times in your marriage and his parents you can't solve the problem on your own and here's what we taught our children getting help is not a sign of weakness it's a sign of wisdom wise people get help rich people have financial financial counselors all around them people going broke won't even read a book on money people who are successful parents or in seminars just like this the people whose kids are falling apart they don't have any help they won't they won't take any advice so you have a teachable spirit you get help and it's just part of the part of the mindset of success there's one other thing real quickly this is the the third principle marriage precedes the priority of children which is very critical okay and so unity is essential we have to be united front doesn't mean we don't disagree but we don't disagree in front of kids we're a team here number three parenting takes faith it takes faith you've got to be faith-filled to parent especially in the days that we're living in now let's listen to Scripture and I know you've heard this before proverbs 22:6 train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it okay train em up now training doesn't mean talking training means showing it includes telling but it means living in front of I'm gonna train you how to sit there and watch me I'm gonna train you how to do this that's training sit there watch me I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna talk to you but I'm gonna show you how to do it okay talking is teaching it's not training train your children up show them how to live successfully and when they become mature they'll return to what use children that mean you won't have challenges and it doesn't mean there won't be some some difficult moments in the meantime but if you train them up you have to have faith that if you do the right thing in front of them they'll return to that one day well hope this teaching today was a blessing to you you know this teaching today is part of a fuller seminar that I do called marriage on the rock and marriage on the rock is a ten-part seminar and in that seminar we just talked about the foundational issues of marriage that saved our marriage literally when Karen and I were on the brink of divorce this is the information that saved our marriage and so we want to get this information into your hands what you saw today is just a very small part of the full seminar first of all for your gift of any amount right now to support the ministry and mission of marriage today we want to send you the CD single called the most important issue in marriage and it is the most important issue in marriage we'll send it to you right away for your gift of any amount for your gift of $50 or more we want to send you the full CD seminar 10-part seminar marriage on the rock plus the marriage on the rock book for your gift of $110 or more we'll send you the full seminar on DVD plus the marriage on the rock book plus our book happy happy love and happy happy love is just a fun book it's a very romantic book put the spice back into your relationship kind of the passion and intimacy maybe if you've lost some of that it'll just help you to get it back all of these resources are marriage saving marriage building resources we want to get this to you to help you to bless you maybe even if you're single or divorced get these and prepare for your next marriage but we want to get these into your hands here's how you can get it marriage on the rock the best-selling book and series is the essential resource to having the marriage of your dreams through this power-packed series marriage expert Jimmy Evans will show you how to deal with real-life challenges and offer easy to understand solutions that will transform your relationship Jimmy will address all the major issues a couple will encounter like communication finances sex kids isn't her needs blended families and much more for your gift of any amount you'll receive the CD single the most important issue in marriage for your gift of $50 or more we'll send you the marriage on the rock book and CD series for your gift of $110 or more you'll receive the book and DVD series plus the passion reigniting happy happy love book discover God's design for your dream marriage whether you've been married for years or just preparing for the journey experience marriage on the rock today [Music] this program today is on raising great children as you build a great marriage and the the important thing Karen is that you do both yeah you know you you can have a great marriage and not raised great children you can have wonderful children and then when they leave home your marriage falls apart and so you want to have both and you can have both we had both and so we have some questions from some of our viewers and that they've written in concerning children we want to answer some of these questions thank you I am Jimmy in this age of smartphones social media and even virtual reality how do you help your kids use technology wisely and yet not become addicted you have to limit your children's use of technology and we have five grandchildren every single one of them can use technology including our three-year-old grandson and you literally have to say to the kids you can only use this for a certain amount of time and you can't get it connected to the Internet so once your children can get connected to the Internet it is a very very dangerous they're smarter than you they're they're smarter than you think and unless you're standing there with them over 50% of parents say they're too busy to monitor their children's internet activities let me just say something the Internet is an extremely dangerous place where your child can see and hear things that are unthinkable and and and they're tempted to see those things and their friends that many times are seeing those things so a cell phones and computers and all kinds of technology our little granddaughter one day was on a game on an iPad and some guy was talking to her on there we didn't even know if she was sitting there right there with us and we didn't even know that she was on the internet she didn't either but this game just immediately connected her the internet you've got to attend your children and you've got to say to them no technology we're gonna go outside and play no technology we're gonna be together as a family a parent control you know with technology there's a lot of parents have pushed for safer you know so check those out there's plenty of things you can put on your computer on their iPads whatever they're using that protects them too but but it's it's tempting sometimes to let technology raise your kids oh yeah I let him sit in front of TVs and movies but it's bad for those kids they need time with you and it exercise they need exercise and and technology it's proven that when you have to manage technology it makes you depressed it makes you unhealthy it does all kinds of bad things so parents have to train their children and we have to stay connected technologically with what's going on because it's greatly impacting our kids let me read you this question for this is for you my kids were greatly influenced by other children's language attitudes and interests we try to set a good example but our children frequently repeat what they see in here you know this is such a common thing I mean there's no such thing I don't care if how old your children are how the reason I'm saying this is because we were just talking to her son who's 40 and you and I we were very strong and how we you know who they ran around with who their friends were we had in a Christian school and there's tell he's telling us stories that happened when he was young I had no idea it was just like yeah so I'm filming oh no he's so and so they showed us fit so and so did this I'm like what and I mean we thought we knew the families so I'm just saying you really have to be careful but don't be legalistic I mean the worst thing you can do is be legalistic with your children because it couldn't produce rebellion be relational and just sit down and talk to them and just say you know let's have open communication if you see and hear these things be sure and tell us you won't be punished but let us know and then you know sometimes it's just better to have the kids in your own home if they're gonna have friends let those friends come to your house if you don't know it's just best and well first Corinthians 15:33 says do not be deceived bad company corrupts good morals so we need to do everything we can like you said Karen make sure that you know the kids that your kids are with and their families and if you don't make sure they're in your home not their home well we did we're you know our kids told us stories like that when they grew older you know they did we couldn't punish them they tell us stories but we were very careful parents you know the other thing is kids today are being bullied like never before it doesn't matter how much the media talks about it talks about how wrong it is they're still being bullied it doesn't matter what age is they are they're being bullied and so there's always that one bully in the skin the classroom so cause trouble and you know there's just so much you know you need to look for attitudes and your children that are you're thinking okay something's happening a school that's producing an attitude that's not good you can you can tell well your child's behavior is gonna tell you about the kids that are around and in at the same time it's a learning curve it's a learning process because you can't go in and tell the teachers these are here I want my kids to be with because that's not gonna happen but you can train your children these are the signs to look for do not let them you know influence you you be the influencer and be kind but yet come to us and let us know these things yeah and help them through this that's really good thank you for joining us today we're so glad that you joined us for marriage today thank you all of our partners our monthly partners who helped us to take this ministry around the world if you're not a partner we're gonna give you some information right now about how you can become a partner god bless you [Music] we all enter into marriage confident a happy fulfilling life is in front of us over time life's journeys can quickly deflate those expectations and we're left feeling like we've fallen out of love but with the right information and a mutual commitment to success a better marriage is possible become a rock solid partner and gain instant access to practical marriage help in topics ranging from communication needs and intimacy as well as blended families intentional dating spiritual health and much more marriage today exists to help every person succeed in marriage with your help we can continue raising a standard for marriage and reverse the curse of family breakup in order to rebuild the nation's run home and time bless and give so they can keep doing what they would there's just millions of marriages that need help and if this is the way we can help facilitate that that's a great way to spend money who loves you too Karen and we love it more about how to be a better couple and how to help other couples like they do become a rock solid partner with the Ministry and mission of marriage today thank you for watching marriage today with Jimmy & Karen subscribe to marriage today's YouTube channel for more marriage building videos and updates you

Channel: XO Marriage

Views: 28,119

Rating: 4.951087 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage advice, relationships, relationship help, counseling, Christian counseling, divorce, husband, wife, issues, fixing your marriage, love, marriagetoday, Jimmy Evans, wedding, wedding planning

Id: rd_xyxmHr5E

Length: 26min 47sec (1607 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 20 2018