How To NOT Ruin A Relationship! | Russell Brand

how not to ruin a relationship i'm an expert at this do you know how from ruining relationships here's ways that i've ruined relationships in the past being insecure feeling inadequate feeling inferior expecting the other person to make me feel better about myself making another person responsible for my well-being unconsciously expecting them to be more of a parent than a partner and expecting them to meet the requirements of addiction which is a sort of a yearning and a feeling of emptiness hollow nurse worthlessness dirtiness if your relationship with another person is fulfilling a role in your psyche that ought be fulfilled by a spiritual practice in the spiritual connection chances are that relationship will fail of course we are flawed and fallible even in my 40s as a married man and father of two children in a marriage that feels to me and i pray to my wife like a very successful marriage i'm still very much aware of my flaws but when i for example make my wife responsible for my feelings like oh it's your fault this happened all that happened i kind of now have learned being taught being shown oh you're doing that thing you're making your partner responsible for your own feelings we cannot do that what we have to have to quote our man khalil gabran is their awareness that we are two lives growing parallel in tandem like two adjacent trees that our function in a relationship is to have a shared vision with our partner and a nurturing and encouraging attitude towards them when i find myself not adhering to those standards not observing that code i now recognize there is a problem with me as soon as i start thinking oh it's my my wife's job to make me feel good i think oh i don't need to have a chat with somebody and do some work on myself because i'm slipping up i'm tripping up in the past i was less conscious and less aware particularly when you fall in love with someone it's such a gideon smack in the mouth of endorphins and dopamine it's such a giddy tornado of emotions and feelings and sometimes sexual urgency frequently but that it's very difficult to navigate a path through that to find a beam of truth to find a conscious contact with a deeper reality when you are so bewildered by the emotion of love i've sought i think in the past to try to control the situation and therefore control the other person while sort of knowing because i've always been i suppose somewhat spiritually sensitive that that's never going to be a successful method you can't control another person all you can but what you'll do is you'll create a very unhealthy dynamic for both participants of the relationship the way to ruin a relationship is to make them a person responsible for the way you feel criticize them try to control them don't let them be their true self impede the things in their life their friendships and relationships that they need they require uh criticize their pursuits and control their pursuits really easy to ruin a relationship if that was the genuine intention of this video i reckon i could give you a grade here is the way to ruin a relationship the way to not ruin a relationship is to bring your focus entirely to yourself and to your own spirituality into your own well-being by spirituality it's not a complicated term it's not airy fairy and difficult to understand it's this stay aware and awake like i can go unaware at any point i can just start like dumbly staring at a screen or i can start thinking about my appetites my food or i can start ruminating on pain in the past or projecting into something i want in the future if i'm aware i'm present in this room using my senses as a means to stay awake and present right so you stay aware and from that awareness you think how can i be valuable how can i be of service what can i do for the person i'm in a relationship with can i uh play with them and make them happy can i encourage them in who in who they are can i advise counsel serve them when my and this tricky business living in the going in individualism particularly in a culture that can that um what i don't say cultivates those sometimes negative traits it's very easy to fall into them and it's very easy for things that could seem like service to become indeed egotistical but in the context of a relationship particularly a romantic partnership the way to encourage it is to let go of any idea of inhibiting that person's freedom to let go of any idea of controlling that person to let go or entirely of trying to unconsciously groom them to meet your needs as an absolute priority even as i'm saying these things to you obviously what i'm thinking about our relationships in the past because say when i fell in love in my 20s you've lost loads of you'll be in your 20s right you're young people you're using social media oh my god i was delirious then i'd meet someone i'd fall totally in love with them i'd be like the yearning the power of the yearning was so strong so overwhelming i just i wanted there to be no distance between me and that person and that's why i suppose sex feels like such a wonderful fulfillment of that urge to to totally become one with another person but i think i was unable to because i was a bit of a um what i want to say rootless deracinated not grounded individual those situations felt threatening to me i didn't feel safe in them so i suppose that introduced an element of wanting to be controlling which in retrospect pretty obvious is is an error it's an incorrect way to approach these relationships now as an awakening adult man what i would do and what i'd try to do is just let people be who they are and if you don't have a shared vision with someone if you don't have compatibility if you can't find a frequency that you can both live on then you accept that the relationship will not succeed i don't think in a sense that you can ruin a relationship that is meant to be successful i do think you can fail to be your authentic self and because of failing to be your authentic self because you're living in your neurosis or your psychosis and remember i've told you before which was a cool thing i heard neurosis is defined by doubt psychosis is defined by certainty and think about it when you're neurotic oh my god what should i do i don't know what to do about that should i can i will i and psychosis i'm doing it that's like uh you don't want to be an either of them crazy states so if you're aware of your neurotic tendencies your psychotic tendencies you can then hopefully with mentorship with a program with practice with practice you can manage them you can not be governed by them and then you're present in a relationship in a way that is healthy and i suppose what i mean by alfie is you are you i am me this is our vision my case is pretty simple i'm married we've got children we've got a home together we've got a limited amount of time that we're going to live on this planet together hey what do you want to do should we do this yeah yeah i think we should do this with our children cool cool i i want to do that you know if like you know things are like my therapist who's a pretty amazing person he says open comms all the time like continually communicate continually communicate the more you find yourself in a private and in communicative enclave within a relationship this place can become festering i i and can i think can become the the foundation for disruption in the relationship my wife has uh i play with her about anything i have a relationship where my phone can be looked at at any time it's not a problem i have a relationship with if something happens it makes me feel doubtful or conflicted i share that with her i don't make her um responsible for the way i feel because i have other emotional resources in my life males females that are older than me that are not invested in me other than in a loving way i have relationships with them so i can communicate so in a sense a relationship is one of the big projects of your life but this person is going to be the primary you know perhaps along with children the primary emotional uh sort of i don't know foundation i want to say resource but resource seems like a cynical way to describe it but this relationship is where i live in my marrow relationship that's my home more than any physical place my home is this relationship i live in that relationship i live in my own connection with myself and with my own god but like the way that i interpret and understand that relationship is i live in it so i have to behave very well in it i make mistakes probably every single day but we have because of the communication we have a means to address those errors so if you want to have a successful relationship make sure that you look after yourself well make sure that you do not try and com control that person ensure that you communicate honestly and openly and ensure that your intention is for the best outcome for that person not always for the best outcome for yourself because otherwise these other things will fall apart i hope these techniques were useful even talking to you i recognize that i've changed the way i operate in relationships a great deal and this way of being in a relationship been much healthier much more satisfactory for myself and i would pray for the person i'm in the relationship with you

Channel: Russell Brand

Views: 467,998

Keywords: Russell Brand, Brand Russell, BrandThe, Russell Brand video, Russell Brand news, Russell Brand revolution, Russell Brand politics, relationships, relationship goals, relationship advice, relationship help, dating, dating help, dating advice, russell brand relationships, russel brand, russell brand spirituality, russell brand flirting

Id: 7NpRB8lOGF0

Length: 9min 59sec (599 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 17 2020