How To Handle Small Talk As An Introvert

small talk can be a pain for some people especially introverts now there is nothing wrong with light and playful banter and we've covered that in other videos but in this video we are going to discuss how anyone including introverts can become a master of quickly moving through small talk to something more and for some people it's going to come as a surprise that I am featuring Kanye West in this video to be clear I'm not saying that Kanye West is necessarily an introvert Kanye may or may not be an introvert but in his most recent interview with Jimmy Kimmel I did see a number of behaviors that are typical of an introverted type that doesn't really want to engage in small talk and I thought that this could make a good jumping-off point for the topic so first off small talk can be difficult for people because they don't know when to participate if there aren't asked a question they feel like they shouldn't speak up and then the dreaded awkward silence ensues before the other person excuses themself in reality there are almost always subtle openings and invitations to join in notice in this next clip the moments where Jimmy sets Kayne up to comment I'll tell you a story and this is honestly true the last time a few years ago you sent me a pair of Easy's I have never in my life had more people come up and talk to me than when I was walking around in them to the point where I was like this is crap I got to get these off people are chasing me I'm worried people are gonna beat me up and take these usually people wait like they see them sleeping on the street waiting for these shoes now Kanye either doesn't see those openings or chooses not to take them but if you want to move through small talk you actually should the easiest way to create that initial banter is by saying how the other person's statement makes you feel for instance Connie could have talked about how the popularity of Yeezys made him feel embarrassed proud flattered literally whatever feeling he felt those interjections are a simple thing that makes early conversation move smoothly for instance here is Ryan Gosling who I think might be an introvert doing that in this next clip welcome to the program nice to see you know I saw this film the other night very good movie I really enjoyed it can I hug you no no okay I mean I just I just think you're the best oh no no no please introverts also tend to take early conversational questions like how are you doing or did you enjoy your day and answer them literally now there's nothing inherently wrong with this but it can make it more difficult to get the ball rolling in conversation because the literal answer is very short like in this example very very cute climbing on your head do you dress them do you pick their outfits hmm you do is that fun for you mm-hmm do you design outfits for them mm-hmm you do do they love that I mean do they understand that process so you draw something and then it becomes their clothes yeah my daughter went to a fashion camp for five days a couple weeks ago you notice the conversation kind of just stalled until Kanye took Jimmy's questions and made them into a springboard to talk about something else which highlights a major point if you want to move through small talk into something a bit more meaningful you need to not answer the questions you are asked sometimes since most people often ask boring closed-ended questions instead you should answer a more interesting question that is related to what you are being asked here's Konya doing it earlier in the same interview regret anything you say or is just like you just look at it like hey I put it out there it's out there there's no point regretting it I think people focus too much on the past an important mindset here that absolutely applies to your conversations is that people will appreciate you not answering their literal question if it makes the conversation more engaging so if you move from a boring closed-ended question to an interesting anecdote or a joke you're actually doing everyone a favor what feels worse is the awkward silence that follows those boring abrupt literal answers do you go to the movies come to think of it once in a while now giving a lengthier answer to a short question might make you worried that you're going to talk someone's ear off and if you want to avoid that you can actually simply pause to create periodic opt-in points for the audience this allows them to express if they'd like you to continue either by asking you questions or just giving you a tenth of body language George Clooney who is an excellent storyteller does this to ensure that he doesn't dominate group conversation with something no one wants to hear about notice how there's an interesting hook that Graham follows up on to invite George to continue and then I would send letters to other actors I've sent letters to lots and lots of people from Brad you don't tell either I don't tell either no I let them know and then they're like are you kidding me you can do the same thing one opportunity to create an opt-in point is by allowing stories that you tell to actually be interrupted when somebody new joins your group like when a waiter interrupts conversation to take your order if the person you're speaking to asks you to continue where you left off you know that they were interested and if not just move on knowing that you won't be boring them with something they don't care about and that takes us to the biggest point for introverts oftentimes small talk and banter isn't the goal of conversation it's to arrive at a conversational topic that you both care deeply about most conversations left to their own devices though will stay in banter so you're going to need to steer conversation away from that banter in the direction of deeper topics on purpose like this I have to get I feel like you avoided in this case Kanye wanted to talk about mental health so he pointed to the album cover as a nice segue and if you want to do something similar ask people their opinions on movies or news stories that you care about for instance if you're a fan of moral philosophical debate something as popular as Avengers 3 can make an easy segue to talk about for instance the morality of Thanos endgame alternatively since people love being asked their opinions you can just say Oh have I gotten your opinion about X and fill in the blank with the topic you're fascinated by that way you don't have to spend ten minutes warming up with dull conversation about weather or the sports team or how your families have been you're purposely guiding the conversation steering quickly to a topic that you find genuinely interesting much like Russell Brand does in this next clip one of those ashes that I understand you're not huge on talk shows you don't like small talk that much I do worry about small talk because in the back of my mind during some small talk I might suddenly realize that we are mortal and death is coming cruel death the icy hand the icy hand death cometh so sometimes that distracts me from the old small talk Stephen that all leads to Russell and Stephen riffing on the ultimate meaning of life in just a few minutes from the start of their conversation and it's useful to keep in mind here that this works especially well since Russell is able to add moments of levity into his more profound rants without remaining too somber now culture tells us that there is no meaning tells us we are but material tells us that we are individuals trapped in flesh only here to consume and there are some people that just can't bear that and so they take a little bit of heroin to unwind now Russell probably isn't an introvert but this last point does round out what we discussed first reply to statements made by the other person sharing how you feel and answer close questions in a lengthier way to make the early bits of conversation more engaging for both parties second use simple segues to purposely steer conversation towards topics that you have a deeper interest in and third ensure that everyone is enjoying conversation by adding those moments of fun and of course by checking that the other person is continuing to opt in with their own continued questions eye contact and body language we've got more on those pieces of body language that convey interest in our video on Oprah she is a master of active listening and I definitely recommend that you check that video out if that's something that you are interested in now all of this will help you move through small talk but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that you're going to make an amazing first impression that actually requires have open for very specific emotions in a particular order and if you want to learn more about what those emotions are I made a video detailing exactly what they are and the order that you need to go in so if you want to check that out just click link in the description or the one that you see on the screen now it's gonna take you to a page where you can drop your email and then watch a video breaking down exactly those four emotions that guarantee an amazing first impression every single time so if you want to consistently make those amazing first impressions go ahead click that link now to check the video out either way I hope that you enjoyed this video you can go ahead and click Subscribe if you liked it and want to see more in a week I look forward to seeing you in that next one

Channel: Charisma on Command

Views: 3,639,118

Rating: 4.9286261 out of 5

Keywords: charisma on command, charismaoncommand, charisma, kanye west, jimmy kimmel, kanye, small talk, jimmy, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, full interview, yeezy, comedian, how to, how to handle, introvert, breakdown, self improvement, tips, tip, advice, flirting, how to flirt, dating, dating men, dating women, date, men, women, relationship, relationships, conversation, Charlie Houpert, CoC

Id: kFsgTa17Xwo

Length: 8min 58sec (538 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 27 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/its_a_simulation]

Oh boy. I'm guilty of answering only the question I'm asked and not answering a more interesting question.

Then again he only showed talk show examples which surely differs a lot from a normal 1 on 1 conversation.

[u/PyDive]

Honestly thought this was an interesting video.

[u/Vpicone]

Solid video, I only disagree with the last point. Small talk shouldn’t be used as a segue to deep philosophical talk, especially with strangers. That’s gonna bomb on you half the time and takes some real finesse to carry out like Russel Brand.

[u/timailius]

I find it strange to use clips and examples exclusively from talk shows to try to help introverts deal with small talk. Talk shows (or, more specifically, talk show hosts) are only there to get these people to talk. Jimmy inserts openings for Kanye to jump in because it's literally his job to do so.

For the rest of us at normal-people parties or events, small talk is hard for introverts because the other people in the conversation may not be interested in giving you openings. One of my least favorite things in the world is when I try to "take an opening" only to have the person not stop speaking, because now I've interrupted and am talking over them, so I stop. On the flip side, when I'm talking people seem to "take the opening" even when I wasn't quite done making my point, but I hate the feeling of trying to talk over someone else, so I give up. In either case, I find that I am almost universally more likely to stop talking than the other person because my tolerance for "competing" for control of the conversation is extremely low.

[u/MarcEcho]

I don't like how he used Kanye's interview with Kimmel as his first example. This interview was obviously and painfully scripted, and I say that as someone who has watched every single god damn Kanye interview there is to find online. It was just so blatant.

Ye's always nervous during interviews (at least when sober). In this case with Kimmel, Kanye had a set of prepared answers that he had memorized. Carefully hand-picked stories to elicit laughter or sympathy (almost the "restore image after slave comment" type of stories). Ye just wanted to stick to his memorized answers and not get distracted by the organic parts of the interview.

Also; over the years, the more you hear and respond to something ("My Yeezys are getting some attention!"), the harder it is to find the will to respond to it. You've had this discussion millions of times with so many people over a decade, then years later someone tells you the same exact thing, do you want to full-on jump back into the subject once again, especially if it's just a passing comment? Subjects can get tirering. Sometimes you need more meat to a subject/comment to help you jump back into it. You also get sick of hearing yourself say "No way that's awesome!". You'd rather stay quiet.

Anyway, just presenting a different perspective. Conversations are more nuanced than this video lets out to be.

The video had some great points though.

[u/DatConrad]

\THIS IS EPIC