How to Deal with Family That's Not Disciplined - Jocko Willink

is your wife disciplined how do you navigate a potential mismatch between you two what about when family non discipline costs you unexpected time and energy taking from your goals family non discipline but like my family's not being disciplined yeah not on board or whatever not on board with the program my wife is she runs a tight ship and is disciplined in a little bit of a different way than me then she's not the same as me and if that were to cause some kind of a conflict between us well then that's my fault for not communicating with her and allowing her to understand my perspective and understanding her perspective so for instance what what's the situation right oh my wife wants me you know she wants to spend time with me in the morning whatever right way to wake up early without before she's awake you work no it's not her fault it's not her fault it's my fault well what about when oh I really want to eat dinner with you at night okay cool I'll eat dinner with you and I'll stay up later at night so that I can get my work done and that's fine you go to bed that's not that's not that's not my response that snot your responsibility that's my responsibility it's not your responsibility to mold your life around my whole life right that's not that's that's not the way it is and by the way when the family is doing something that is taking away what does he say my energy taking away my energy and taking away my time then I fix that problem and when I say that I fixed the problem I don't mean I fix them do you I don't mean that I impose my discipline on them I might involve some adjustments or some attempts to get adjustments but I'm not be this really simple don't blame my family when things don't go right mm-hmm I couldn't work out today cuz my kid was sick my daughter spilled the milk and I was like hey this is the same this is just about ownership like if you just want to blame your family when you're weak or you make a mistake or you didn't organize or you didn't explain to people correctly then that's the way it is I can say this to your family is not you your family is not you they aren't on your program that's not their that's not their deal hmm hey if they're on it great that's cool my family's not all on my program that's not the way it works mmm you impose oh that's fun the whistle where's that get you you oh you wanna you want to impose your program on everyone in your family what are they going to do what it's the same thing that happens with any team if you start imposing your strict discipline on them cool you can get them to do what you want to do at that moment guess what they do as soon as they get the opportunity to rebel against you they rebel you get a mutiny you get a kid that's rebellious beyond the norm that's doing thing that's actually gonna gonna really reject you so you gotta don't blame your family fix the problem you know who you have control over you you know if control you don't have control over your nine-year-old kid you might think you do but you don't you got to make enough control over your wife to just make her you know get in the game oh you wanted you want to stay on the program you want to cook whatever 14 chicken breasts on a Sunday night so you got to a day during the week honey make it happen no honey don't make that happen if you are a good leader and you explain what your goals are and you get her on board with the program mmm then yeah guess what she's doing on Sunday night helping you cook some chicken breasts for the week yeah but this is just like anything else man this is just like any other leadership situation you want to blame the team when something's going wrong that's not gonna get you a solution you need to take ownership of the problem you need to get the problem solved and when I say get the problem solved you're you this doesn't mean impose your will on the team that means you need to lead the team and there's a big difference mm-hmm so get some yeah yeah and by the way the better just like anything else just like Hackworth the better relationship that you build with your wife and with your kids guess what the more flexibility you have the more the leeway they give you mm-hmm the worse relationship you build with your wife and kids the less flexible and less leeway and the last chicken breast you're gonna have cook for you that's two they're not in the game with you yeah so build a relationship I know that might sound like like whoa well we're married so we have relationship build a relationship make them understand where you're coming from make them understand what the strategic goals are yeah make them understand just like in a leadership situation make sure they understand how the strategic goals that you're trying to achieve for yourself will then come all the way back down and impact them in a positive way because by the way if you're doing things strategically or to help you that are gonna screw over the rest of the team or in this case family guess what you're not gonna get support for those goals because they're not helping out the team if you're doing it for yourself and yourself only that's problematic yeah so if you're hey I want to work out I want to get you know I want to work out I want to change you Jitsu every day okay well how do i benefit from that yeah honey oh yeah okay well let me tell you how here's my plan in six years you know I'm a purple belt right now it's six years I'm gonna get my black belt and when I get my black belt we're gonna open a school and when I open a school guess what we're gonna do all day we're gonna teach digits we're gonna hang out at our gym we're to have a good time that's the strategic goal I need you in the game with me right now that's totally different then our Troy yep I'm a man yeah don't keep me yeah they don't keep me from this well yeah in that too depending on who you are obviously but I would even say that's even speaking from my own experience that's even over just saying it really like let's say you take jiu-jitsu or working out or whatever yeah yeah yeah you know like that you know to do that but I get I get the example for sure so you say something much more simple okay easier way more babe just say hey this this this part of my life even if it's new it's new I know our family's chaotic you need my help with the kids and whatever be like but hey this this sort of this means a lot to me and it makes me feel good makes me you know a happy person or whatever it get Kim me and you can we make this work you know can can we does what is hey you know how you like this other thing sure yeah I want to support you doing that here's where I need support Yeah right yeah this thing puts a smile on my face yeah you want me smiling around here you that's what and people I'm sure someone's gonna bring up the fact that there were times when I was in the games and I would come home from work at 7:30 at night I'd pick up my gym bag at drop off my my work bag and I just walk I'd go uh hang on I'm gonna train and there was a few times where she did not want me to go train tears in her eyes you gotta be kidding me you've been gone all week you've been gone for two weeks you come home at 7:30 and you're gonna go train instead of heating dinner with us I was like yep that the reason I bring that up because I know someone's gonna bring up that's not good leadership that's not me being cool that's not me building the relationship that's me moving in the other direction yeah so that's not what I'm saying to do but if you come home hey look here's the deal here's what's going on here's why I you know what I've got a little I come home from work I got a lot of stuff in my brain I'm in a bad mood when I come home and I don't want to be in a bad mood around you don't abide mood around the kids I'm gonna go train for an hour when I come back I'm gonna have a smile on my face watch what boom and and that's actually my wife eventually told me like oh when you don't train you're not nice to be around not that I was intentionally going or you get to Train no but you just have the you don't you don't have that release yeah yeah it's that that is a real thing for sure I mean it's manageable everyone's different I think obviously but I would you can even say something even more because that's a hard one to sell sometimes to some people to be like hey I'll be happier you know then they'll be like well or except for that I'll be happier Mane's will be happier yeah and you got it you're right though you got a Bart you got a give and take right you gotta say okay what do you what can I do for you exactly right that's that's what it is be like hey this means a lot to me you know to end usually you know in a relationship like that they care if something means something your husband and wife or whatever like that's not nothing that's something you know look if you if the if you're a husband and you say this reduced it means a lot to me therefore you need to sacrifice your whole thing to accommodate it you can do that but it's not nothing so you just as a leader you can't have the team sacrifice everything is very evening yeah yeah you do a good job on this mission I'm gonna get promoted you know or hey if we do a good job with this product where I'm gonna make more money it's more from my bottom line bility for our shareholders no one cares the frontline doesn't care about profitability for the general does must they understand how it relates back to them yeah so family doesn't care about you training jiu-jitsu unless they realize how it's gonna come back to you so what you do is you tell they're like hey just can't can we make this work and actually whatever however this gets in the way of us you know like whatever like I want to just in general make that up to you some way you know like what can you what can I do for you like I said or what do you want to do something all right kid let's let's do this so we can both kind of have something fun come with me if you want but hey I don't don't don't just automatically expect your wife to loved you just do like yeah love to do to unfortunately unfortunat goes for everyone even though most it's possible very possible yeah yeah but I'm saying you know you it's like how you're saying like make it make you gotta accommodate it you know so if you're doing like a workout let's say and it's your thing right okay don't work out you know and that's my thing whatever just say things that differ one cuz working out is like you can kind of do that whenever yeah but jitters like if you don't be so trained some people yeah yeah you know so yeah man if in constant communication - by the way but you you know cuz after a while it's like juice again like done the kids kind of need help with the homework and I'm swamped with this other family stuff you know kind of thing but if you're constantly communicating and then she'll tell you hey do you mind not going on this day because of this and you're like okay me going this specific day is that more important than the help that they need with the homework you know and you can accurately kind of navigate your way through your new situation you know but yeah you gotta keep talking on that one because some people they think oh I can go do Jitsu now and I want to say nothing I'm just rolling out under every circle you know it doesn't work like that sometimes don't don't be like me and that's it don't be like taco you probably know my wife is very understanding yeah so that's good yeah my wife probably would have murdered me like rightfully so like killed me as a crime

Channel: Jocko Podcast

Views: 164,455

Keywords: discipline, freedom, military, extreme ownership, leadership, advice, jocko willink, echelon front, navy seal, jocko podcast, excerpt, echo charles, leader, lead, win, defcor, discipline equals freedom

Id: tKUg9qIss5A

Length: 11min 50sec (710 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 08 2019