DATING : Q & A

[Music] [Applause] [Music] we've been journeying this semester through a series on dating which is why I imagine there's so many of us here tonight you're like what oh yeah we knew that it's why we're here we've been talking about dating and we've been moving through these phases of life that the vast majority of you will move through in your 20s being single dating engaged and then married and so we've moved from singleness to dating to being engaged and the natural next move is to talk about marriage and we're going to talk about marriage but is that we were looking at tonight I realized that I have two messages I want to give about marriage one about it being the picture of Christ in his church from Ephesians five and then another message about the pursuit that a man and wives go on together and as I was praying about that thinking about that I realized I gave a talk two years ago on the picture of marriage that God intends from Ephesians 5 and I'm not going to say it was like the best talk on Ephesians 5 ever but I am going to say it's like the best talk I can give on Ephesians 5 which is the Mount Everest of texts of God's intent for marriage and so I thought tonight I could reap reach that or we could just post it online again which we're gonna do put it back out there let you come around it this week listen to that Ephesians 5 God's picture of marriage why he ordained it and then we'll just pick up next week with more about marriage and that would free up tonight to do something I've wanted to do from the beginning of the series but was afraid we were gonna run out of time and that is answer your questions because here's the reality we have been inundated with questions through every social media portal imaginable you've been asking questions about singleness about dating about things like that and I thought I want to address those but I'm not sure how we're gonna do it I'm not sure what format and then I just realized this is our opportunity this is our moment and then I thought I could sit up here and do it but you're hearing a lot from me which is great but I thought I think there would be strength and adding some voices and so I thought we would have some couples answer your question so we're not asking you to give questions we already got more than we'll have time to answer now from you guys we kind of aggregate and pull them together into themes and we'll cover as many as we can't hear the rest will do on the podcast a little later but I wanted to bring up some couples that we could do this together so the first couple is me and my wife Donna so if you haven't met Donna yeah so here we are and the other couple is none other than Jordan and Jeff Johnson young people welcome of back to the stage unbelievable unbelievable the internet is already rolling out we're about to hear from Jeff and Jordan Johnson watch out and they're gonna sing every answer which is just unbelievable promise yes yeah yeah I'll drop the beat and know so I'm excited about tonight this is gonna be Lord willing helpful and potentially wheels off so as long as we know that's where all this could go I thought the best way to do it would be to give you a little bit of a picture of our relationship so I thought the way we'd start is give kind of like a 2-3 minute synopsis of our respective dating experiences in marriage so it's not the full story we don't have time for that but it's part of the story so we figured we'd let the Johnson start and tell that tell us your scale like 30 minutes all right shutter jomi yeah so ready oh well the brief version very brief yes is the spoiler alert is that we had a 10-year dating history so we're gonna give you the very room it's we met actually leading worship and we were I was 19 I was I just finished my freshman year at college we I was interning at a church in Texas I'm from Florida went to school in Florida but I came out to Texas to this church to work for the summer met Jeff we were asked to leave worship together was a church plant to have a full staff yet so we led worship together a few times and got to be really great friends and we're really great friends for about a year and then things started getting questionable we're like okay so what are we are we friends are we not and and but we didn't talk about it so Jeff started thinking that we were dating why do we need to talk about it he thought we weren't dating so so began our ten-year history we actually dated and broke up three times we had three breakups and the last one was two and a half years and I will say well we'll kind of cover a little more of some of the ins and outs of that in a minute but the last breakup was seven years into our relationship and I thought it was at the end we were done I closed the door I asked the Lord to take away all hope for the future my heart could not take it anymore so we were done as far as I knew and I had to move on so two and a half years later I was leading worship at a girls event jeff was leading worship at another event and we both had our bands and we were actually both landed in Tulsa Oklahoma on the same weekend and sometimes he does these things so we were both in the Tulsa at the same time and our bands kind of all knew each other and kind of got us together at this lunch place that weekend and we we hung out you know with our bands and and that kind of set this thing in motion unbeknownst to me where Jeff would come to mean the the following week and ask if he could talk and basically came and said would you let me reenter your life with the intention of pursuing you for marriage and I was completely caught off guard but saw the Lord had done a truly miraculous work in him he was a different person altogether and so that was good and we and I sense the Lord calling me back into it and so we then that was in March of 2010 we were we got back together and got engaged in September and got married in November and all and uh in that same year so by that point we figured we knew each other and sped it up but that is that is the brief story of Jeff and Jordan okay well you want to take take ours sure well so we were both post college and I was working at a church in the woodlands and I had a band yes woodlands great and I had a band and then was working as a youth pastor at a church that was in Spring Texas which is a little closer kind of close to the woodlands and I remember actually standing on stage and tuning my guitar because the band we were getting ready for that night of worship it was that thing called fresh vibe which is it's a great name it was on a Tuesday night so it's kind of cool maybe yeah so so anyway so I'm tuning my guitar and this guy walks in the room with the person who had hired us to do the band for that night so lead worship in and I see Ben walk around the back of the room and I'm tuning my guitar and I just went and my electric guitarist was like what was that and I was like well nothing shut up and so I was like immediately I mean look at this specimen so yeah so needless to say I was attracted and wanted to know what this guy was doing in the room and then he spoke he taught that night and I I was like it was on Genesis 1:1 which I'd probably read a lot and I had never heard the way that it was taught that night and so I was super intense Ingle and so I was very very excited about that so Wow okay so so we start meeting again in the same room once a month at the same event and he was teaching and my banister in the worship and we would afterwards we'd go hang out as friends with a group of people so all of our friends kind of knew each other but we didn't really know each other and then we started to get to know each other and then it took what would you say like three months about three months and then he asked he asked if he could call me and I said sure and so he did and we went out on a date and and it was great and then we went out on another date and before that date I felt the Holy Spirit saying hey you know what you might want to give him this big out because you have brought a lot into this world and so what do you want to tell him about just kind of where you've been and what's been going on and and where you are now and I was like I'm just gonna tell him my testimony from when I was when I got saved and then I did and he just was so great in that moment he said that is a beautiful story and I would like to ask you out again and so he did and we kept dating publicly in I thought we because it was the only place open when I would fly into town exactly that's a little more game than just taking someone and with then we yeah and then we got engaged and then we got married no no we got engaged first and then we got me yeah that's true okay well I feel great about that we're crushing on right okay you're like everyone thinks you got a lead worship in order to like get married now like yeah I want to see everyone's notes after this date for 10-year question shall we okay question number one and again we'll get to as many as we can and then we'll we'll do the rest maybe on the back end of this podcast but the first one is are there studies or resources a couple can go through together while they're dating and is that a wise thing to do and we're gonna let you take that one since you read and I don't you're smart I would say and you guys can aim in me or not but I would say should you go through some Bible study together while you're dating no absolutely not I think it's I think you let them have their devotional life and you have yours because you don't know how long you'll be together if you should be together anything like that so you just continue to pursue the Lord on your own track and then get to know each other and so one thing Donna and I did was you know she asked me books that meant a lot to me that had shaped Who I am and and I didn't know she didn't someone run away she started reading some of them and then I read a book that had meant a lot to her and we could talk about those things but it wasn't like okay let's sit down and go through this passage because then it changes the dynamic to where like I'm teaching you or you're teaching me and it was just like we don't need to do that like just you should have your own dynamic experience with the Lord and then be able to share about that and so if you want research on dating or how to live a good life as someone that could date in a healthy way I would say study the book of Proverbs I would say Elizabeth Elliot wrote some of the best stuff on being single and longing to be married out there she's got let me be a woman it's a great book she's got what's the other one passion and purity is a great one so I would say proverbs and Elizabeth Eliot but not together y'all just talk is that sound good agree yes good well this is fun so number two how did the principles of dating you've talked about applied a long distance relationships so we've been talking a lot about dating what about the people they don't live in the same city I think let's see something something that I was gonna say that I'm not to cut you off Jordan I when we were dating we were in completely different stages of life Jordan was in college Iowa I already graduated and she's living in Florida I'm in Dallas so I think for for me on that one it's it's not so much that the the long distance for me is as if you're in two different stages of life it's hard to to sync up and be kind of maybe in the in the in the right moment you know so there was a moment that the Lord we are our past cross and we were we were ready for that but in the long distance for us we had to he was like we get on the phone and I'd be like what you do today she's like while studying for this test which is your day I was like well I'm I was working the Corporal that time so I was like well I mean this is not you're not you don't really care about what I'm doing today so this is kind of like trying to figure out how we would get on the same page and in the right time you know and it just felt a little off you were forcing it yeah we were like forcing this thing long-distance just because we loved hanging out we were together but it was like we're trying to make it work so for I don't know that's I think to the the principles apply and not to say that long-distance is not okay at all and sometimes it's it has to be that way and I think sometime maybe even on a practical level you kind of you can schedule dates on the phone you know so it's not something that could like too invades your whole world where you you never come out of your room because you're always on the phone or you you know you you still need to be living your life but you but you have to still carve out time as you would if you were in the same city but I think the principles that especially the bit is talked about with your heart and your mind are the same logistically it just looks a little different mmm and we had a season when we were dating where I think this distance helped there was a and it was it because it was a big key marker for us I moved to a different city and it was will this thing sort of survive that and we found out we we could connect on the phone and enjoyed doing that and then I would find times to fly down or drive down or because it was close enough to do that and so it was that I tell people a lot when you're not sure about a relationship distance and time are often two things that really help you because the further we got away and the more it went the more I wanted to be with her not less which was clarifying for me but I would also say when we got together I was from a different town we had to be very clear about how we're gonna structure that time because I talked to so many couples right well he's rolling in from another town so of course he'll just stay at our house and he'll sleep on the couch though and you're like well you're gonna set yourself up for a lot of heartache and hurt if you do that so we that's where we ended up at IHOP all the time because I would fly in late or we had people that we needed to know where we needed to know where we were to take care of us you know I agree all right man we're just clipping along I feel great about this you're positive about us all right Emma three what if one person in the relationship feels that they're ready to get engaged but the other isn't sure I'm sorry I mean that's a serious question yeah so I could speak to that I think so that was that was serious come on know it I remember there was a time where in our relationship where I was like let's do this I'm ready and and that was not it's not that he wasn't interested in the area didn't want to be with me it's just that moving that that's I'm engagement is a big decision because the hope is it'll end in marriage and it's closer than just dating to marriage and so I think what's what was good for me in that time was I realized that if I had a problem with been in that my problem really wasn't what been it was with God because what what I wanted was God to hurry up and just tell him and and and so I needed to get right with the Lord and that and you know we sang it tonight you know trusting the Lord and and knowing that that faith is gonna be required and in any future step and definitely engagement was a big part of that and and for me I needed to go deeper with Jesus before I went deeper with Ben and so you know Psalm 45 basically is a picture of Jesus being our husband and and I needed to know I've already got a spouse in Jesus and I don't need to move things forward with another with Ben if I've already got this relationship that it should be filling the need that that I that I need filled and so as I waited I realized okay Ben loves Jesus then has the Holy Spirit been is pursuing the Lord he's he's trusting the Lord he is leading us in this he's gonna be the one that makes the right decision and so if he's gonna do those things which I believe that he will then I need to be okay to go I trust that he's gonna do that and if I can trust him on this side of engagement then I can trust him in an engagement and I can trust him in marriage and so it just really does train your heart to trust the Lord and trust the Spirit in the person you're supposed to be with and if there comes to a point where you have you have been waiting and we can't tell you how long is too long to wait or you know when that cutoff is there's there's not a magic number and that's where you have to continue to lean into the Lord and and he will tell you he will show you that and in it and if it has to end that because it's been too long then God is sovereign and he's trustworthy and he will take care of you and but it's it's it's a full full pressing into the Lord for wisdom and guidance in that and and believing he will he will make it clear in that I just want to say I think so for us I don't know what year was round 1 2 or 3 that it was I always felt like in our relationship so much of our dating I felt like Jordan was like like pushing me and feel like I was like aha she just wants to get engaged she's like why get we just hang out and be friends like what's why are we pushing this like we'll get married later right the thing that I didn't think about and Donna mentioned it was like it wasn't a problem with Jordan it was more of a problem with me on being intentional so I'm not trying to throw out a buzzword but I literally I what I was into just hanging out and having a great time and I would just encourage you if when you're in the relationship that the the way that we saw working was when you were really thinking about what what why you're in the relationship where's this going thinking about the way you structure your time together thinking about the way that you're thinking of each other and I never stopped to think really sit down and think through with Jordan like what's that look like to get married and do the hard work it was a lot of like fun and like discussion about maybe that'll happen but until I sat down and I really did the hard work not so much with just Jordan and I in our relationship but the hard work of me with the Lord sitting with the Lord and really working on all the deep issues that I had bottled up for years that's the only way that I got to a good place where I could look at her and go you know what I'm ready and I'm feeling really great about that because I feel right with the Lord not I'm not doing these things to please you I'm doing those things whether you're in my life or not I'm doing those things to please God and so when I got to that place then I could look at her and say and I want you to be in that and I want that for the long-term and I'm ready to get engaged now and that was a shifting point for me of thinking that it was all about this nagging woman and on me again like her than it was like no that's not true different recollections okay well it was not that bad at all but I just I just needed to do the work I needed to do the work as my boy yeah do the work guys well I think that's I think you're bringing up a good point because I think sometimes what we can do and we do it in a lot of realms as we go man I really want God to do this and if God's moving he'll do it like this and we start to set a plan where we go ahead god here's a great way to work this out and he's gonna detonate it and you're gonna go what's your deal and be mad at him you're like he wasn't asking you like you don't get to run things and you don't know what else is happening in the frame at all that he might want to do and so often we want everything to just sail along fine but think about your life it tends to move like this and it looks smooth in retrospect but not while you're in it and so you'd love that both of you realized it together and then fly together until it doesn't work that way and and I think for me and it sounded like for you to Jeff that moving closer and thinking about the responsibility of loving somebody brought up issues that for me that I had never resolved from my past that I could roll on in life and never have to address yeah and so for me I realized I have some serious trust issues that I think stem from coming from a divorced home and things like that that for me I just didn't I didn't have to process those to be a good youth pastor I could just go but thinking about the emotional vulnerability of a marriage she was in a place where she was ready and I realized I'm like doing this and Jonathan I was like yeah that was our dating room like there's a lot of like me suddenly freaking out and like she read me one of the notes I wrote her and I'm like that's like the worst I'm like good this guy is so sad I'm like because I was conflicted and I think what both of you ladies were saying was wise no one wins if you're trying to like arm-wrestle someone into marriage like that's a bad deal you you want both people to go we see God in this and if you think it's the right person but it's the wrong time it's the wrong thing so you wait and psalm 118 it's better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man's better to trust in the Lord than to trust in Princes so if you're trying to play the game with men and princes to move the pieces to get what you want you'd be careful I think you got to trust the Lord and like Donna was saying he lay it down and say he made give this person to me he may he may not and if the Spirit is if the spirits in it you're not more sovereign than the spirit to bust it up you know I mean case the point 10 years I mean and with the with an on and off and and so you just have to trust the Holy Spirit that is that is sealed on the other on your partner's you know heart on your on your engaged person's heart but because if you try to rush the spirit you're just gonna be frustrated but if you rest in His goodness and that he's gonna guide you you're not gonna you're not gonna break it I keep laughing cuz I just have Rob basis it takes two to make you thing go right in my head because it does and that well that's the simplest answer to this question I'm not going to say Rob bass but it does take two to make a thing go right okay number four oh this is good how do you how do you even matter to someone after you've broken up man lots of ways well do you want the way that works so I know you you have a lot of good stuff to say on this I had to learn I so I thought I really thought that when we so we broke up the first time and we were like well just be friends still and so we still hung out we still she went back to we were I was in Dallas she was in Florida and we just talked all the time on the phone and and I was like man this is awesome like I got I still have my best friend to call and talk to and that is not the right way to do it I will say it what it did is it caused a lot of confusion it cause being continuing to be friends I get asked from a lot of y'all when we hang out that's a big question can we still be friends and you can try it but I guarantee one of you is gonna start thinking a different way and go this way and the other ones gonna start thinking this way and there's gonna be a DTR that's gonna come along the way and that happened for us multiple times until we finally got wise and just said when we broke up the lot after soon after seven years and we broke up that third time it was like we're done like we have to cut off all communication we don't talk we don't text nothing and we we really did for two years we did not interact together and that was that was difficult cuz even our friend group was the same you know and so we're like trying to hang out and our like church friends are like uh who do we go like what do we do who do we go with like which group do you choose and it was weird but we knew that for the better of us and and what we needed to work out with the Lord it was not good to involve each other in that there was no Jordan couldn't help me in my in that moment with the Lord and I didn't need to help her pursue the Lord in that moment we had to trust and walk away and so that for me I'm just a strong believer in that because that's what I saw work so I'm that's why I think that but and so in the beginning you know I first breakup there there also was a completely different maturity level and so I think as our as our maturity grew you know and we saw the value of boundaries our boundaries got stronger and so and I I want to kind of tag on to this because I know a lot of people have even come to me for counsel when they when they've broken up and see our story and see that we broke up and got back together and then broke up and ended up getting married and find a lot of hope in that and and I I understand it and and it makes perfect sense but what I want you to hear me say is that when we broke up we we did cut off all communication week we cut ties and in and just on logistical matters we would still see each other like running into each other at church or at birthday parties or whatever and you can still be cordial and have conversations and and we would and and and we were thankfully we it was not ever awkward between us I know that's not the case for everyone but we were able to be friendly and then leave the party and go our separate ways and that was that so it's not like you have to like cut your eyes away every time you are in the same room with someone but we were not in communication we were not keeping in touch we weren't checking up on each other and I would I would not ask his friends questions about him because I didn't need to let my mind go when wonder well what was he doing there and I wonder who he saw there and you know I I would just go down a bad path fast so I decided not to ask any questions because I realized that that was better for my heart to move on and what and so what I want you to hear me say as far as breaking up and getting back together when we broke up that last time we broke up for good in my mind in my heart I closed the door to that relationship because I knew my heart could not take it anymore and I knew the Lord was saying no that it was not the is not time and so I moved on with my life period and I I sought healing from the Lord I invested in my friends I I just moved on I dated someone else I so I for all intents and purposes we were finished and I didn't know we were gonna get back together I tell you as honestly as I can I didn't think we would get back together and I prayed often that we that my hope would die for that so that my heart could move on and I could you know live my life and I mean I told Donna during that time when she asked me at one point do you think you could ever get back together with Jeff and I said it as truthfully and non-dramatic as possible it would take a miracle and that was what I believed so when Jeff came to me after we had been broken up for two and a half years and asked to enter my life again and asked if I would give him another chance I was completely caught off guard but he wasn't the Jeff that we that we broke up two and a half years before did not come to me two and half years later a brand-new Jeff that had been completely transformed by the Lord and came to me that that day and I could see it in his countenance he was different he spoke differently he had a different vocabulary he people that had been hello Jordan he got smart no I mean you could tell he had different priorities because he spoke about things differently and people then I found out people that had been walking with him Ben and Donna included would attest to this person that was changed and and the work that he had done and how he had been seeking the Lord and so so when you hear our story and if you are in a break up position right now and you're hoping that you guys can get back together and you look at us and think oh maybe we could be like them know that it just has to be over because and God is sovereign so he he is going to do what he's going to do and he doesn't need me or Jeff or anybody to just like Ben was saying to calculate the parts to give him a plan he will do it and also in that time what was so key and realizing that he was a different person was that I had nothing to do with the transformation that took place in him I didn't give him a list of things that you need to do if you ever want to get back together with me or anything like that it was and I had been that person previously in our relationship I tried to be his Holy Spirit and could help him along and show him ways that he could do things better than I thought were better and and I tried to force that and it did not work and it put pits in my stomach and it was I was full of anxiety and it was just that is not the way that the Lord intended so I became a more complete person in the Lord with myself and the Lord he became a more complete person with himself and the Lord completely apart from each other and then the Lord decided that we would be better together and so he brought us back together we did not do anything to manipulate that so I hope you hear me say that with love that you just have to shut it down and it move forward with your life one thing on that - I just one statement that I tell a lot of people is I you can't you can't mess it up the Lord is if you believe that God is sovereign and that he will run your life and then then breaking if you feel if you're in a point when you're breaking up with someone I always say if she's the Lord wants you together it's not gonna be over but you've got to trust where you are right now with the facts that you know and walk away maybe but then in the future maybe he would bring you back together but God is sovereign and if you trust him in that then you can walk away in confidence and have this firm stance as you as you exit that relationship and walk away feeling more confident of like yeah I'm trusting the Lord I'm walking with him and he's got my life and I'm not trying to create what it needs to be you know I think that's good and you know what does the proverb says Hope deferred makes the heart sick and that's what you're talking about you you're gonna go through a heart sickness when you you had all this hope because y'all we're building something and then you realize it's not the right thing so you're having to let this thing called we die and nothing likes to die and it's hard and so a lot of you have experienced that in here I call this feeling so horrible maybe I can in that romantic mind will I will run to them when and that's where you need some some wise counsel in your life some people that can say hey remember this was not the best person and so it helped me to think about that when I've dated the wrong people in college to go there's going to be a part of me that is going to try to fix it even though there's this other part of me that knows we weren't a fit and I have to tell that voice no and I have to let this thing die and it will die it will go away this this feeling and and life will roll on but again that's a lot of that is predicated on underneath it all do you have a trust in God or not because if you do you can you can walk out on those waters if not they're gonna look way too scary that's good well all right let's we're gonna skip some of these here's what I want to talk about is it possible to make a dating relationship this is number seven Tyler is it possible to make a dating relationship healthy again after you've already crossed physical boundaries yes okay are you looking for me about okay great let me answer that one quickly I would say there is grace for everybody and so what I found is whenever I talk about sex you see a lot of shame hid people's lives and they feel like okay there was this plan a that God has for the bright shiny people and I'm on his maybe plan B for the dirty ones among us and this is always the best I will ever get in life and they're sore this doomed oh well we already so and that is just none of that is true you know such were some of you but you were washed you were sanctified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ he makes all things new that's our story but let's say you're in a relationship where the two of you have crossed boundaries can you stay together let me say this really strongly not doing the same things you did before and that's the tricky thing is God will bring conviction about we need to change our intimate practices how much we're making out or our time on the couch er but if you just go okay we'll be different and just trying to like muster your willpower that willpower exits somewhere around midnight 12:30 he doesn't care you know and that other part of you will click on and so you need if the two you are gonna make it it's not by doing anything you've ever done before you have to change everything and you have to take a hard look at your life Romans 13:14 says make no provision for the flesh and you have to go where did we make provision you know where we would always fail your apartment alone then we can never ever ever be in your apartment alone under any circumstance ever well that's kind of inconvenient cuz you have a bigger TV I don't care it's not we're sitting over it's / and you have to be that hard on yourself and it's that's your ability to go okay there's a part of me that I know is a twisted little weirdo and I just need to tell that guy no and not beat myself up like what's wrong with me why am i go no there's a part of me that's attracted to you and he's gonna say crazy things around 1 a.m. and we're not gonna listen to him and we're not gonna make provision for the flesh and so that's where I think you have to be careful with that Jude 22 says have mercy on those who don't save others by snatching them out of the fire but two others show mercy with fear hating even the garment stained by flesh and you go what does that mean some of you are in a relationship with somebody that really doesn't have healthy sexual boundaries and you're gonna be in love with them and want to stay with them and what Jude says is show mercy with fear hating even the garment stained by polluted flesh you go what do you mean by that James said there's gonna be some people who are living a very polluted life sexually and you're gonna want to extend mercy I forgive you but you're gonna want to be fearful wise of going but we have demonstrably not made healthy decisions so we need to be afraid of our ability to make wise decisions together and the couples that I've seen make it who had that kind of experience to move on what they had to do was get some tough love around them some people around him say here's the boundaries and and you can't cross them and so even for Donna and I when we were farther along and dating and like I said I was flying in to meet with her I would preach you know on on Monday nights and then we would get in the car and drive and we got to this time in our relationship where I'm like the two of us are in the car late and yeah we would go to like IHOP so would be public to visit but we would still have like these long moments in the car and we're like we can't do this anymore we can't have these long moments in the car anymore because we're really attracted to each other it's really dark no one knows where we are and we got tonight babe you know kind of and we just realized people need to people need to know this and so we would have to sabotage those moments of hey someone's waiting up for you at home and they're gonna know and we're going to show up and and I mean we would say that like when the car stops you're you're out you know and literally it was like like I'm turning into a werewolf we we have people I mean practically we had people texting us at specific times hey where are you what are you doing we there I call it there is no tomorrow syndrome like there is a tomorrow like you will have tomorrow to see each other so stop saying there is no tomorrow at the car and then you lean on the car for a while then you just spend more time at the car and then you kiss and then you spend more time at the car and you're just like this is not going anywhere good fast let's just put some people let some people know hey we're out tonight we're going here we're going there we're gonna be home at whatever time and that person is going to text us ten minutes before that time and then on that time and you have the you have the decision in that moment to lie or not and we didn't and we had to put those boundaries in place and they really served as well and it's it is nice to wake up in the morning with your integrity intact because it gives you a sense of confidence moral authority and that's what I see in a lot of people is they lose that sense of I can control myself like first Thessalonians talks about this is the will of God you abstain from sexual immorality that each of you possess his vessel with honor and when you find in yourself the ability to do that I can possess my life with honor man that gives you confidence I can be a man of God I can be a woman of God we can be a couple of God we can move but and you you you want those wins but you're not gonna get them alone so I want to answer that question about wise counsel because some of you said ok you keep saying get wise counsel around you how do you identify wise counsel you're like well my roommate I mean so like you go you sang wise counsel who is that how do I get that for me I think three are dating I would I would attribute one one dude who just he was actually in my band at that point he was our guitar player he was a married dude he was a guy who asked me really hard questions like he actually asked me where you at with this that and he really dove in deeper than any guy had come into my life and that for me was like the counsel that I needed like still to this day I look back at our relationship we I don't we wouldn't be married if it wasn't for him talking with me in me actually being vulnerable enough to open up to him guys I'm with you it's hard when you when you mess up and when you you feel like you're your past is is dictating your future I'm with you that it's super hard to go to another guy like I'm talking just to the guys know but guys going to another guy and actually saying like hey this is this is true of where I met and this is the way that my mind thinks and it's super gross like you none of us are good so you we've got to stop acting as if like he's saying that but then getting together and saying how are you doing I'm doing good well that doesn't do anything or any health any it's not helpful but you've got to find that one or two people that you can sit with and when they say how are you doing you can actually say here's what I struggle with this week and don't just say straw it struggled with what like don't use the vague terms go deeper tell them where your mind is tell them how sick and perverted your head is because that's all of us and we need Jesus and so go to those places and get the wise counsel but people can't counsel you if you're not willing to go into it go deeper so you can't come in and say I'm struggling a little bit this week how are you I'm good like I mean that doesn't get anything and it's not going to be good in the long run if it doesn't take you deeper and help you work out your jump so for me wise counsel came from my band member who did that with me and who was willing to spin the hard hours with me talking about where my head was it's good I kept my wise counsel pretty tight and I one of the things I also learned in our long history was that early on I told a lot of people what was going on and I had a lot of voices speaking to me about what was best or what they thought was best and what we should do and what we shouldn't do and that turned out to be pretty confusing and not helpful and then I felt like I had to keep everybody up to date and it would just kind of became a mess so I gradually learned to kind of funnel that down to a couple and the tightest to talks about the ways that that can look - and talking about older women teaching the younger women and I and I strongly suggest having an older person someone who is farther along in their journey maybe at stage of life who is who has watched this road is married being one of those people for you who can give you perspective based on experience and also you know and I do believe you can you can get wise counsel from people that are are your peers but I would I would also strongly suggest that you that they not be a highly emotional person and that they not be the person that is going to always be on your side and and you know who that is you you know who those people are because you because it's not helpful ultimately you know sometimes we think we just need somebody we just to vent with and just to to you know call him out and just tell me yeah that was I can't believe he did that that was awful you know you need to run blah blah and that that actually isn't very helpful because it doesn't really leave you with anything other than anger and frustration and that's not going to take you anywhere so I think that was also helpful was knowing like who's going to be able to listen to this and the most on an emotional non-biased way in the init's and it's really hard with with your friends because they are going to to be on your side and to be on your team and be rooting for you but but I think you you will know who those people are and then also just be known by people periods to they know how you're built and they know what you're good at and they know what you love and that they can ask you the hard questions about the things like not just purity but just like hey how you doing with just the things that you love to do in Jesus name like to you two together does is are you getting to do those things is he is he Fanning that flame in you to be the best you you can be in Jesus name and and having those people asking those questions to to see like is this thing that you're in is this relationship that you're in is this a better to the other thing because somebody might tell you you know what he doesn't make Jesus really shine out of you at all in fact he I don't really know where you went and so if you feel like you don't know who you are right now and it's because you don't know where you all are that you need to reevaluate that so yeah and I would say this this is where one of the reasons why when you're single pursuing devotion with the Lord is what you're like I I am pursuing him in his word I'm reading the word everyday to shave me into the kind of person that could interact with someone in a healthy way like you were later in life and then you also go and I'm I'm getting involved in the church I'm getting involved with people so one of the benefits you know Donna and I didn't meet so we were older and one of the benefits of that was we were involved in a church where I suddenly had older friends and so I do think you can have good encouragement from a roommate from a peer you know Timothy Paul talks about that - Timothy flee youthful lust pursue righteousness love and peace along with those who call to the Lord out of a pure heart so he said find those people that are calling out to the Lord out of a pure heart that they want God and you run with them and particularly when you're in risky dangerous places like the world of love and romance where you know there's parts of our hearts that are gonna go crazy that you go I need those kind of people so I was always looking in my life and going I've got some buddies that I've known for life and they're my good buds but when it comes to pursuing the Lord that's I don't know where they are and there's these other guys that they are chasing the Lord and I want to make sure they know what I'm doing and then also being involved at a church what helped us was there were already these relationships that were older that weren't is spun up nuts about love you know you must go to him you know they were like well hang on you know and they could sort of speak to us from a different place of wisdom that they knew the Lord better and they knew us well and so that's where even now that's one of the benefits of getting involved in a church as you get those relationships already there for you and if you're like well it's too late we're already dating we don't know any wise people oh no you know then go to church you know and get involved and join a small group and get to know some older people and and let them get to know you because you're never too far gone well we need to wrap this up at that I want to answer one question and kind of land some things you know one of the questions was is it wrong to long to be married and I would say absolutely not first Corinthians seven speaks to that that that if you're burning with the desire to get married get married you know he kind of says it in a way that sort of like if you're gonna burn with lust just get married you know if-- well thanks Paul that's that feels real romantic but you know proverbs fives a little sweeter about it you know he's like let your fountain be blessed rejoice in the wife of your youth I mean this is the Word of God where God saying I want you to have a wife that you rejoice in I want you to have a marriage that's like a spring for you I mean that is just really a source of life so at the bottom of this all and we've said it a couple times I don't want to circle back to it is you have to ask the deeper question do I trust God or not do I think he's strong enough to guide my future do I think he's loving enough to take care of me or do I think he's cruel and that's what this is going to keep coming back to for many of us because you from maybe most of you in here you don't know who that person is you don't know where it's gonna go you don't know how long he's gonna make you wait so you go well then what can I know there's all kinds of unrevealed will he's not going to tell you but what you can know is him and it is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in men it is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in Princes who has ascended and come down only one Jesus Christ then you go that I may not know all things but I can know him and he's a good shepherd and he will lead me so I'm gonna step out on these uncertain waters with my eyes fixed on him believing that he's gonna take care of me he's not cruel and he's gonna do what's best for me even when I don't understand and that's the good news about the gospel of Jesus Christ is we're not giving you a list of rules you're supposed to follow to make God like you what God has given us as a man a person and you can trust him and so what I would encourage you to do is if your heart is conflicted a lot about love and dating and romance don't keep focusing on love and dating and romance so much if it's stirring up crazy in you lift your eyes and fix your gaze on him because when you see him there's a stability there I can trust God and by the time I met Donna yeah there was a part of me that wanted to be married but I'm like but I know the part that's most certain is I'll follow him and I don't know what he's gonna do here I don't know what he's gonna do with me but I know him and I'm walking with him and if he leads us together through wise counsel through our own sense of our way of fit then then I trust him and that's what you want and so my hope is if you don't know Jesus Christ he is our message he is our hope he is our cause he is our hero he is our husband he is our our friend he's the forgiver of your sin that will wash you clean he's the lover of your soul that cares about you deeper than any man or any woman could he's the hero of the human story the son of God who came to live and die and live again for you and so my hope is you will read your Bible you'll get to know him the some of the best things I did when I was single is I wrote out books of the Bible because as I did that I just got to know and trust him and and then when he led us together I could say the hand of our good Lord has led us thus far and I want that for you so my hope is before you get together with a guy or girl you'll get together with the Lord Jesus Christ that you'll trust him with your whole life and then if you know him you'll press into him through his word through his community and walk with him for a lifetime so that's our hope for you and we're grateful we got to share this time with you so thank you guys so much [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] you you [Music] [Applause] you [Music]

Channel: Ben Stuart

Views: 33,086

Rating: 4.9561043 out of 5

Keywords: Ben Stuart, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, God, Guys, Girls, Aggies, hookup, relationships, love, hope, soul mate, marriage, breakaway, Texas A&M, Jesus, Dreams, Hopes, expectations, desires, lover, date, text, instagram, facebook, ask out, how do I know who to date, how do I ask someone out, how do I know this person is the one, singleness, the gift of singleness, Donna Stuart, Romance, sex, video games, online dating, settling, reed arena, Texas A&M University, Jeff Johnson, Jourdan Johnson, breakup

Id: 9jNP3YJ8iTw

Length: 94min 56sec (5696 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 08 2020