How to BECOME a BETTER PARENT: Positive vs. Toxic Parenting Tips I Dr Gabor Maté

parenting is not a role the most important thing is relationship without understanding relationship any plan of action will only breed conflict but why shouldn't he be angry about it you know why should i be threatened by his anger why should i call that naughty oh you're angry you're really upset you really wanted that cookie yeah you're not permissive but you're also not demanding that the child suppress their feelings in order to be in your presence you can go through these states it's okay they'll pass and this is how self-regulation happens not by you mustn't yell you mustn't cry you know this kind of punitive and accusatory stuff react against his anger all you're teaching is self-suppression which is not the same as self-regulation the greatest gift a parent can give to their child is his or her own happiness and when you're restless and unhappy on your kids as i have been they get a message that it's about them i found my mother's diary recently when i was six weeks old and this is 1944 my mother is writing my poor little gabor you'll be crying since three in the morning my heart broke for you but i couldn't pick you up to feed you until five o'clock because the doctors would be so angry with me because i learned to feed you on on schedule rather than on demand and i didn't want to displease the doctors so i had to let you cry for almost two hours and finally at quarter to five my heart broke and i couldn't do it anymore and i picked you up and fed you but don't think i'll do it again now what's the message to a six weeks old who's desperate for maternal contact and this woman who absolutely adored me who did everything she could to save my life under very difficult circumstances that i already talked to you about before wartime hungry nazi occupation who who absolutely love me and she's absolutely hurting me at the same time and just how confusing that is for the infant now you tell the mother bear to ignore the crying of the infant you tell the mother cat to ignore the crying of the infant the neck every fiber in my mother's being wanted to pick me up and nurture me but because the doctors had told her not to and this is how we tell parents not how to parent we tell them to sleep train their kids by not picking them up hunter gatherer tribes you know what they do they never even put their kids down in the state of nature creatures don't put their kids down that doesn't mean you you're permissive the kid wants a cookie before dinner and you know better you give him a cookie he won't have dinner you're not gonna give him the cookie but why shouldn't he be angry about it you know why should i be threatened by his anger why should i call that naughty why should i call that the terrible twos oh you're angry you're really upset you really wanted that cookie yeah that's okay i'm so sorry you know after dinner you know in other words you're not permissive but you're also not demanding that the child suppress their feelings in order to be in your presence and you don't hold the relationship as ransom to them that's exactly that's the dangerous you don't you don't use the relationship against them so i went on holiday this year one week i spent with some family in like kind of a weird camp place in germany and the next week was in bordeaux i'll be honest four days later i left and flew back to london alone because i couldn't be the holiday dad if you could recognize in that experience that there's something still missing for you in terms of your self-awareness then that could be a teaching experience you know and and i i know that holiday boredom that you described when i go on holiday it actually takes me a while to relax into it now the problem is when you're with five other people or four other people and you also have to be there for them when you can't even be there for yourself then you're a real dilemma and you're either pretending to be a holiday dad or you're being miserable i understand the dilemma but i'm not sure that you want to stay about it that way for the rest of your life because you've got these two young kids and what's the message to them and that is restless around them that it's their fault yeah and kiknad han the special teacher the buddhist teacher said that the greatest gift a parent can give to their child is his or her own happiness and when you're restless and unhappy on your kids as i have been they get a message that it's about them so that's something good to recognize as long as you take it on as a challenge one thing my wife does is when cadence just when he he has a meltdown sometimes someone's on the sidewalk next to traffic and so she just talks to him okay i know you're really angry hayden and that might take five minutes but when he's talking she's like okay i know you're really angry but we need to go so i understand you're angry and he's like ah and she just tries to talk and then after a while he's he's listening right here's the tone that says that's the whole point he's responding as much to the energy and the tone as these to the words and uh what she's teaching him is self-regulation he's actually teaching that you can go through these states it's okay they'll pass and this is how self-regulation happens not by you mustn't yell you must encourage this kind of punitive and accusatory stuff your wife's doing intuitively what needs to be done what she's doing is instead of a time out she's giving her time in she's actually giving him her energy and her concern and her presence at that time which is exactly what the child needs and that way he'll learn self-regulation whereas when you react against his anger all you're teaching is self-suppression which is not the same as self-regulation i got a step-daughter when she was six right she's now fourteen um and you said some interesting things about stepchildren and stepfathers earlier well step is an interesting word because what is why do we call them step parents because they step into the role of the parent and in this book hold on to your kids what we point out is that parenting is not a role it's a relationship so sometimes i've seen very often the step parent steps into the role and expects deference and compliance and love from the child but why should the child offer them she didn't ask you to marry her mother that was her mother's decision maybe for perfectly valid reasons but let's not assume that the child is necessarily a party to it and if you want to step into the role of parenting you have to develop the relationship but the child wants to belong to you where the child's attachment drive is directed towards you and then you'll be the parent but let's not assume that it's a role that simply you can start doing the right things without a relationship and krishnamurti there the great teacher said that the most important thing is relationship he said that without understanding relationship any plan of action will only breed conflict so it's that relationship that we have to get so that six-year-old whose mother married you at that age has already been through a difficult time because her parents divorced now i don't need to know the circumstances but i can tell you no adults divorce without a fair bit of unhappiness i mean no two happy parents wake up saturday morning and say it's been wonderful i'm totally in love with you goodbye there's usually a period of alienation and and stress and struggle and rancor and the child is to endure all that and the child has endured the loss well assuming that the father didn't die or something but but one way or the other the child the six-year-old has endured a loss then you come along and all of a sudden the mother forms a relationship with you why should that not be threatening to the child she's already lost something and also this is a stranger in the home who mommy really loves well every reason she might perhaps perceive you as a threat now maybe she didn't maybe you formed a great relationship with her right from the beginning and maybe she welcomed you into the home but it can easily work the other way in other words all i'm saying is we have to understand that the parents relationship with one another is not immediately transferable to the child that the relationship is to build with the child and that's what then gives you the power to parent is the relationship that child wants to give you and maintain with you the power of parenting comes from the desire of the child to belong to you and this is whether you're the step parent or the biological parent [Music] you

Channel: Motivation Thrive

Views: 1,035,649

Keywords: gabor mate, dr gabor mate, gabor maté, childhood trauma, gabor mate parents, gabor mate parenting, parenting, hold on to your kids, step parenting, childhood development, dr gabor maté, parenting tips, parenting advice, bad parenting, parenting mistakes, parenting styles, parenting 101, good parenting, child development, toxic parents, early childhood development, Motivation Thrive

Id: fcPPDbvGr7s

Length: 9min 5sec (545 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 27 2020