If an adult psychopath trapped
in the body of a 10-year-old girl infiltrated your family by impersonating your
long-lost daughter, what would you do?
She might look like a child, but make no
mistake, Leena’s had years to cultivate a particular set of skills, and this is nowhere
near her first rodeo. That said, she may have finally met her match with the Albright’s.
Turns out she’s not the only one in this house hiding a dark and terrible secret.
I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat
the Imposter in ORPHAN FIRST KILL.
It’s Anna’s first day as the art therapy director
at the Saarne Institute’s maximum security orphanarium, and right off the bat, things aren’t
looking good. Naturally, any day that starts with a pat down from Agent 47 probably isn’t gonna be a
good one, and it’s about to get a whole lot worse. No sooner than she gets her onboarding documents
from the warden, the staff sounds an alarm signaling a prisoner escape. Oh, but don’t worry.
It’s only their most dangerous inmate who just so happens to be the reason Anna’s predecessor
“moved on to a better opportunity.”
Quick, better toss the new hire into a pitch-black
classroom without even looking inside first. That ought to keep her safe. For real, what kind of
rinky-dink outfit is this? A dangerous lunatic escaped so you turned the freaking lights
out? Setting off the alarm should have lit this place up like Time Square. Of course, it
hardly makes a difference when you have no idea who you’re looking for in the first place. I
mean, for Christ’s sake, dude couldn’t spare three seconds to give Anna a brief physical
description of the missing psychopath?
Regardless, it’s probably not a great idea
to curiously approach the little girl that’s calmly scrapbooking during a code red.
Unless Hugo Roca’s running this dump, I highly doubt today’s “bring your daughter to
work day,” meaning A. the brat probably calls this nuthouse home, and B. she would have had to
have done something supremely messed up in order to get here. Either way, why take the risk when
you have no idea what’s going on? Our best bet would be to find a pair of scissors and put our
back against the cage door where we can call for help while keeping eyes on the mystery box.
Fortunately for Anna, the security team manages to pull their collective heads out and drag Hit
Girl back to the SHU before she can show them all a magic trick, and it’s a good thing too. Turns
out Leena is no ordinary child. Actually, she’s no child at all, but rather a thirty-one-year-old
woman with a glandular disorder that halted her growth at age ten, and she’s not shy about
making it everyone else’s problem.
Hmm, so what you’re saying is, you locked
me in a room with a mass-murdering lunatic on my first day at work.
Yeah, starting to get an idea of what happened to the last art teacher. Anna
would have to have friggin lead poisoning to stay on after all that. Then again, it would
probably make her a perfect culture fit around from her favorite guard, prompting her to invite
him in so she can properly thank him. Bro, did you not read the dossier? Nah, what
am I saying? He clearly didn’t make it past her profile picture. Probably should
have hired an extra guard to a make sure some desperate, lonely simp with Lolita syndrome
wasn’t the only one watching their most cunning and dangerous inmate. Instead, they went with
an art director, and now this is happening.
Awesome. Looks like crafting all
those hand turkey’s and origami doves really got through to her.
Now armed with a security keycard, Leena casually walks right up to the nearest elevator,
because who’s ever heard of security cameras, right? Nah, they actually have plenty of them.
Only problem is, the one guy in charge of watching the monitors is currently splattered against
the wall of her cell. Yet another reason they should have backfilled Anna’s current position
with a Vizio and box set of Bob Ross DVDs.
Oh, well, surely this mountain of a man guarding
the front door can hold back an unarmed, four-foot-nothing mental patient, right? Yeah,
about that. Evidently, Leena’s been conditioning one of her fellow inmates to go full 28 Weeks at
the mere mention of last year’s Tootsie Rolls, and wouldn’t you know it, Katie Kaboom just
happens to be mopping up nearby at this very moment. Not sure why they’d let someone so
prone to violent outbursts hang out by the exit with a potential weapon, but it really
shouldn’t matter given there’s a trained professional watching her every move.
I say “shouldn’t” but dude’s about as effective as a country stop sign. Seriously, where
are they finding these people? For $18 an hour you could hire a bouncer that won’t get
completely obliterated by a frail old woman in two seconds. Worst part is, he legit stood
there and watched as she was winding up for the attack. God dang, it’s a wonder there’s
any prisoners left in here at all.
With Lurch incapacitated, the only
thing separating Leena from freedom is a freezing-cold death march who knows how
many miles through a blizzard, but once again, the universe provides. Now, picture this. You’ve
just wrapped up a hard day’s work at the insane asylum when all of a sudden you see the most
dangerous inmate in the place standing in front of your car still wearing the blood of her
most recent victims. Does it sound like a good idea to exit your vehicle and leave it unattended
while you run back inside to tell someone? Well, for those of you that answered “yes” to this
question, please identify yourself down in the comments section so the rest of us know who to
sacrifice first in a survival situation.
This is a textbook example of a “not my
department” type scenario. Besides, they’re almost certainly going to figure out she’s gone
when they find the dead guard in her cell missing his security badge. Not to mention the child
size footprints in the snow leading away from the facility. Of course, if Anna’s just dead
set on taking home employee of the month, we could always stop somewhere on the way home
and call the office to make sure they’re aware of the situation. Dangerous as Leena may be, she
won’t be getting far in this storm, so sticking around to raise the alarm is just giving her
an opportunity to stow away inside our vehicle for a good old fashioned backseat surprise,
especially since you know she isn’t gonna bother checking it before she takes off.
Eventually, Anna makes it back to her apartment, but just as she’s about to walk inside, the back
hatch on her Volkswagen suddenly pops open. Gee, I wonder what that could be. Oh, sure, just
leave your front door wide open while you go investigate. That always worked out so well
for all the nameless guards in Splinter Cell. I can almost hear her internal monologue when
she finds the trunk empty: “Must have been nothing.” Tell her what she’s won, Leena.
Shocker. And here I thought she would be the hero.
Yeah, given everything Anna went through today, the correct response to seeing your car
open up uncommanded is immediately running inside and locking the door, and probably even
calling the cops for good measure. After all, better to let Dirty Mike and the boys pull a
soup kitchen in that piecer than find out the hard way why you always check the back seat on
your way home from a mental institution.
Having left an impression on the host, Leena
makes herself at home and immediately starts online shopping for a new family. Gotta admire the
hustle on this one. Fresh out the clink and she’s already back to her usual grift, however, this
time with a significant change in scenery.
Upon selecting the missing child she most
closely resembles, the tiny terror makes her way to Moscow and turns herself over into the
police, only not as Leena. From this moment on, she’s going by Esther Albright, a
ten-year-old girl from Connecticut who’s been missing the last four years.
Risky move crossing the border into Russia before going to the cops, albeit a necessary one. As
extensive a criminal background as Leena has, there’s no way she’d be able to pull this
off without leaving the country. Sure, it might have been easier for her to cross
into another EU member, like Latvia, since there’d be no passport requirements; however,
the authorities would likely be expecting this move for that very same reason.
Fast forward a few days, and Leena’s taking a private jet home with her new mommy, Tricia. Dang,
she really hit the jack pot with this family. I mean, not only are they rich, they’d also have to
be extremely stupid to not even bother verifying this girl is really their missing daughter and not
some random street urchin with a bright idea. No way she’s the first person to think of something
like this. Of course, DNA testing would settle it outright. You wouldn’t even need a sample of
Esther’s actual DNA to begin with; you could just compare it with one of the parents.
At the very least she could have tried grilling her on things only her real daughter would
know, like the names of beloved pets or other family members. Is interrogating your
potentially recovered daughter harsh? Maybe, but let’s face the facts. Your kid’s been
gone four years, and the average lifespan of a missing/abducted child is, well, it’s a
lot less than that. Sad truth is these probably aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
Besides, even if she’s not some thirty-something troll woman looking to rip you off and butcher
your entire family in their sleep, who’s to say this whole thing wasn’t orchestrated by
desperate parents seeking a better life for their impoverished child, and while that’s very sad and
all, I’ll be goddang beat to heck before I wind up like one of those sucker birds that gets screwed
in raising another bird’s egg as its own.
Of course, just because we’re airborne doesn’t
make this a no backsies situation. If there’s even a shred of doubt in Tricia’s mind that
this is really her daughter, she needs to be constantly probing for flaws in the girl’s
childhood memories. I’m not saying we tilt her seat back and waterboard her until she coughs
up her brother’s middle name, but subtly testing her by reminiscing about major family events and
leaving room for her to fill in missing details with potentially incorrect information could very
well cause her to out herself as an imposter, or at least give us cause to implement
more precise means of identification.
As for Leena, were I in her shoes, I’d milk that
traumatized child card for all it’s worth and keep my mouth glued shut lest I say something
suspicious, ya know, like stating how excited I was to see my beloved grandmother that
passed away before my abduction. Besides, right now our primary goal is to sponge up as much
as possible to help us fit in, so we’re better off letting them do all the talking anyway. That said,
in the event we do make some kind of blunder, it’s probably not the best idea to immediately
go throwing a massive freaking tantrum fifteen feet away.
Yup, nothing to see here, just
normal child business.
Once Stateside, things go about as well as could
be expected for a family reuniting with the child they haven’t seen for several years, with father,
Allen, and brother, Gunnar, seemingly buying the act completely. However, things start
to get interesting the following day when Leena notices a strange old man photographing her
and her fake mom while walking around downtown, and if that’s not weird enough, the same man pays
the family a visit later that evening. It turns this Detective Donnan was initially responsible
for investigating Esther’s disappearance, which naturally Leena has a problem with. Then
again, it might also have something to do with the fact he showed up around dinner time just to
say “Welcome home.” Kinda rude if you ask me.
Whatever the case, the puny imposter
excuses herself from the table so she can eavesdrop on the ensuing conversation.
Evidently, despite Esther’s supposed return, the detective is still very much interested
in how she got nabbed in the first place, and to make matters worse, he’s made arrangements
with the family psychologist to be present during a group session he wants to hold the following
day. Just then, Leena barges back in to remind everyone that Tricia will be hosting a gala
then, but the old gumshoe won’t let up, instead suggesting they meet the following day.
Yeah, it’s probably not such a great idea to so overtly obstruct the man’s investigation.
He clearly finds the circumstance surrounding Esther’s apparent return suspicious, and
responding to his seemingly well-meaning gesture with open hostility as you frantically saw through
your dinner is hardly going to win him over. Now’s when we need to turn on the charm and thank him
profusely for helping get us back to our family, or alternatively, we could just say nothing. It’s
pretty common for kids to be shy around strangers, and I’d imagine that goes double for
those that have been kidnapped.
As for the group session, having it moved back
another day buys us more time to get our story straight and learn as much about the real Esther
as we possibly can. That said, remaining as silent as possible is still our best bet, and we can
always turn on the water works and have our parents shut the interview down if they turn up
the pressure. After all, we literally just got back, so it stands to reason we might not be ready
to share our ordeal with a third party.
Believing the jig is up, that night Leena packs
up all the valuables she’s been squirreling away and makes a break for it, but just as she’s about
to hit the perimeter, she catches sight of Allen painting in his studio and has a sudden change
of heart. What do you know? Daddy issues strikes again. Classic. Of course, it’s gonna be pretty
difficult for her to act on these feelings given the dude thinks she’s his daughter. Sure can’t
wait to see how this dynamic complicates things. And it looks like I won’t have to wait long.
The next day, as Tricia’s getting ready for her gala, in walks Allen dressed to the
nines after having reconsidered his decision to stay home.
Bro, you literally own a $10 million home and a private jet. Just
how rich are these other people?
Evidently, they still have some time to kill
before the show starts, which they decide to spend horizontally. Jeez. Haven’t you people
ever heard of closing the goddang door? Both your kids are home right now, and I’m sure
neither of them will appreciate all the wild animal noises bellowing down the hallway,
least of all Leena, who just so happens to be hate-watching from just around the corner.
Yeah, I get you’re upset that the man who could never possibly love you for a wide assortment of
reasons is happily married, but you might want to cool it on those random violent outbursts.
Sure, it’s not like Tricia’s gonna throw you out on your butt for slashing her expensive
dress, but this kind of behavior is a great way to find yourself in regular counseling
sessions with the family shrink, and given you just escaped from a mental institution,
those probably won’t go well for you.
An embarrassingly short amount of time later,
Allen and Tricia take off for the gala, leaving Leena in the care of
her preppy older brother.
Just then, Detective Donnan shows up, using his
awareness of Gunnar’s extra-curricular activities to bully his way inside, ya know, just to use
the bathroom, which only a total moron would actually believe. Sure enough, the lawman
takes the opportunity to sneak up to Leena’s bedroom and scan for fingerprints, eventually
making off with one of her records, however, not without getting spotted on his way out.
Once back home, Donnan pours himself a drink and gets to detecting, and right away it’s
clear the prints he pulled off the record aren’t even remotely close to what he had
on file for Esther. Great work, Callahan, if only you’d bothered to do something like this
before breaking the news to the Albright’s in the first place. Jesus Christ, it’s like we’re
in the opening phases of Idiocracy. Now, because you failed to take even the most basic
precautions, you’re going to have to go back to this traumatized family and say, “Whoopsie daisy,
wrong kid. Oh, and a stranger has been preying on your desperation to leech off you.”
Okay, sure, I get it’s better late than never, but did you have to go about it in a way that
makes it glaringly obvious you’re onto her? Kid’s been gone for four years. I think your
investigation can wait a day or two. Instead of playing fast and loose with probable cause
to steal something she’ll almost certainly miss immediately, you should have just held off
another day and pulled a print of something she touched during the therapy session
YOU SET UP. Now you’re on her crap list, and contrary to her appearance, that’s
not gonna be good for your health.
Suddenly, the detective hears something behind
him, prompting him to take a single half-lazy lap before immediately forgetting about it and
going back to his desk, only this time he’s got a snub nose handy. Yeah, a lot of good that
pistol’s gonna do with your back facing multiple points of entry. You’d think someone in his line
of work would know to exercise a little tactical feng shui to ensure no one could stab him to
death while he’s staring pensively at pictures of missing children, ya know, like this.
It's not over yet, though. The stubborn old cop manages to hang on just long
enough for back up to arrive.
See, now that’s just bad parenting. I mean, how
can you expect your kids to amount to anything if you never let them finish what they started.
Yeah, yeah, shocking reveal, I know, but once Tricia lays everything out on the table…
it still doesn’t make any goddang sense. Let’s dive right in, shall we.
So, it turns out that she knew Leena was a fraud from the start, not because of her
keen powers of observation or anything, but because the real Esther has been dead all along.
How does she know this? Well, apparently young Gunnar took machete fighting a bit too far one day
and laid a big hurt on his little sister, and so, not wanting to lose two children in the incident,
Tricia covered it all up and made it seem like she had just disappeared. And, if you think
that’s bad, just wait. It gets much worse.
You see, she never actually told Allen about
this because he’s a normal human being that would probably react negatively to the fact his covert
NPD wife dumped their daughter’s dead body down a storm sewer, so he’s spent the last four years
clinging to the hope his little girl was still out there somewhere. Naturally, upon hearing
Esther had finally been found alive, Allen had become completely reinvigorated, and since Tricia
couldn’t bear the thought of him turning into a mopey person again, she decided, “what the
heck? Let’s just pretend some random imposter is our little girl, ya know, forever.”
Now, why would she tell Leena all this you might ask, well as we’ve already
covered, she’s extremely stupid, but in case that’s not obvious enough at
this point, let me break it down for you.
First of all, if you knew all along she wasn’t the
real deal, why wouldn’t you immediately confront her with this fact and strike up a bargain?
Obviously, Leena knows she’s not Esther, so by not addressing this upfront you’re
just allowing tension to build to the point she might blow the whole thing. Sure, Tricia
couldn’t have known this chick was actually a grown woman capable of tracking down and
murdering a police officer, but it’s a safe bet that anyone willing to lie about being
your missing daughter would also be willing to rob you blind and split in the middle of the
night if she thought she was about to get caught, which brings me to my second point.
Why would you decide to implicitly trust someone you knew was out to take advantage of you
from the very beginning? With all Tricia’s money, she was by no means in a beggars-chooser’s
situation. If she really wanted to replace Esther, she should have used her wealth to find a
suitable replacement at a disreputable foster home willing to let one of their kids “runaway”
in exchange for a hefty chunk of change under the table. Sure, there’s a chance she could
still wind up with the freaking Omen child, but it’s better than sticking with someone you
already know is capable of deception.
Speaking of which, Tricia’s still one hundred
percent committed to keeping this party going, even in spite of the fact this whole
situation has become infinitely more complicated with Donnan’s death. Dude was looking
into your family leading up to his disappearance; no way you don’t immediately become the primary
suspects. Seriously, if she had a single iota of intelligence rattling around up there, she’d
pin it all on Leena and wash her hands of the situation entirely. Yeah, it’s gonna send Allen
into another blue period, but it’s better than harboring a wanted criminal you just watched
stab a man nearly to death. Plus, Leena’s condition means you can only keep this ruse up
for a year at most, so what happens then?
Of course, this is all beside the fact Tricia just
threw away her leverage by revealing her dark and terrible secret. Literally, all she had to say
was “you make my husband happy, so I’m keeping you,” but now if she tries turning her in, she
runs the risk of Leena exposing what really happened to Esther. Yeah, I know what you’re
thinking, “why would the police believe this horrible little goblin over an upstanding member
of the community.” Well, check this crap out:
And now she knows where the body’s buried.
How on earth are you this clueless?
For real, of all the places to take Donnan’s
body, why would you choose the same spot you dumped Esther? Now even if Leena didn’t figure it
out, you won’t be able to blame her for his murder without the police finding both of them.
At the very least, we should have dumped him somewhere else, but a better option would be to
just smash the place up and steal a bunch of crap to make it look like a home invasion gone bad.
After all, the cops are going to suspect foul play no matter what, and Tricia’s little forged email
to Donnan’s boss about a last-minute vacation is probably just gonna make it worse.
Later that night after returning home, Tricia pulls Gunnar aside to bring him up to speed
on the situation. As you could probably imagine, he’s less than thrilled with the prospects of
sharing a roof with a thirty-one-year-old serial killer larping as a little girl, but worry
not, dear child. Mommy’s got it all under control. Turns out she’s actually smart enough
to realize their only option is to make Esther disappear again, only problem is, so is Leena.
I mean, at this point, you gotta believe she’s gonna see coming, so whatever they’re going to
do, they’d better get a move on before they both wind up dead in a freak car accident.
Oh, but of course it can’t be that easy. According to Tricia, it’s much too soon to pull
the proverbial trigger. The way she sees it, they just need to play it cool and act like one
big happy family until “the time is right.”
However, it seems that’s easier said than
done for the first born. What’s wrong, champ? Can’t handle mommy and daddy’s rich,
snooty friends cooing over someone else for a change? I guess it was only a matter of time
before the golden child stormed in for one of those “nobody loves you” speeches, which, of
course, goes about how you’d expect.
Oh, yeah, the way you de-escalated your
threat after she slapped you the second time really shows her you mean business.
Face it, dude, you’re not that guy. I’m sure you’ve smacked around many a priss with that
bendy sword, but you’ve only ever killed someone by accident, and she was what, six years old?
Meanwhile, Little Miss Mayhem recently beat a grown man to death with her bare hands, and that
wasn’t even a big deal to her. The only thing this little hissy fit achieved was identifying
yourself as an immediate threat to her survival, and likely moving up whatever timetable she
has in place for your untimely demise.
“Hey, I know what’ll deescalate the situation,
let’s try and poison her food,” is apparently what Tricia’s thinking as she grinds up sleeping
pills into Leena’s Mac and Cheese. For real, what do you think she’s going to do if she feels
like she can’t even eat in this place without fear of being messed with? Oh, and Mom does
a great job of selling it too. “What’s that, you’re not hungry? That’s okay, just take this
meal that’s visually distinct from everyone else’s to avoid confusion up to your room and eat
it later, preferably after a fifth of vodka.”
Given she stopped just barely short of
ringing her hands, you wouldn’t exactly need to test it out on poor Nibbles to realize
what’s going on here, but it’s always nice to have the confirmation. That and now Leena
knows just how to return the favor.
The next morning, the family comes downstairs
to find Leena has made them all breakfast, which Tricia miraculously identifies
as a thinly veiled attempt at revenge, opting instead for one of her famous morning
smoothies, but Leena’s way ahead of her.
Yeah, bon appetite, lady. You know
your loving husband is going to guilt you into slugging back your fake
daughter’s mystery mush. Mmmmm, there you go. Fortunately for her, Leena
only added a little extra protein.
Classic rat shake. Be sure to remember
that one come Valentine’s Day.
Well, it sure looks to me like this
whole arrangement’s working just fine. Totally under control, right, Mommy?
For real though, Leena took a big risk striking back in front of Allen like that. I mean, it’d be
pretty hard to brush something like that off as just a happy accident, and it goes far beyond
what any reasonable person would consider an innocent family prank. Not to mention the fact
that now Tricia and Gunnar both know that she knows there’s shenanigans afoot, which is only
going to make them even wearier going forward. Oh, and just to make things even spicier, today just
so happens to be the day of Daddy’s big plot device in the next town over, meaning pretty
soon, it’ll just be the three of them.
Sometime later, the family gathers at the train
station to see Allen off, which for some reason requires Tricia and Gunnar to go off by themselves
and stand dangerously close to the tracks. Seeing an opportunity to strike, Leena quickly closes
in for the easy double kill, but before she can give them the old House of Cards, a random
passerby inadvertently foils her plans.
Ooh, so close. Although, with an unknown number of
potential witnesses and cameras around, dude might have just done you a favor. No point in wasting
these two if it lands you in a small box headed back to Estonia. That said, better get ready to
move, cuz you know as soon as Allen gets on that train, things are gonna get nasty real quick.
Same goes for the Bateman’s. In fact, it would have been a better idea for them to pretend they
didn’t even notice so they could ambush Leena in a more controlled setting, or at very least
back in the car. I mean, come on. Do you really think she’s gonna just let you kill her? No, she’s
gonna fight like heck, especially since literally no one is gonna look at two adults manhandling a
little girl and assume she’s the aggressor.
Whatever happens now, you’d both better keep
a tight grip on each of her arms in case she has a weapon, or in case one of you was too
dense to properly secure one of your own.
Uno reverse. And that’s why only moron’s
practice off-body carry. Think about it, what’s the first thing someone’s going to grab for
in a violent encounter? Your freaking purse!
Oh, and what else do people keep in there?
Yeah, you ever have one of those days where the depraved murderer you coerced into being your
daughter pepper sprays your son in the face and steals your car? Yup, totally under control.
To think, all this could have been avoided had Tricia just let poor Esther stay missing and
told the cops they got the wrong kid.
As for Leena, this isn’t the epic W you think
it is. I don’t know what things were like in Estonia back then, but in 2007’s America everyone
and their dog already had a cellphone. Now’s not the time to go triumphantly roasting a stoge
all youth in revolt style. We need to ditch this car immediately before the cops track
us down and hand us back to Mommy on a silver platter. Kinda like they are, right now.
Immediately upon Leena’s return to the house, Tricia immediately starts laying the groundwork
for what is to come, going as far as to tell the officer about her daughter’s expressed
self-destructive ideations, and all within earshot of her intended victim. I mean, Goddang,
could you be any more transparent with your intentions? If you’re gonna spill like this, you’d
better at least have Gunnar waiting inside with a garrote so she doesn’t have time to rig
the place up like Kevin McCallister.
Of course, for that very reason, if I’m Leena
right now, there’s no way I’d be going back in that place after everything that’s gone down.
One way or another, we need to make sure we’re getting a ride out with that officer, even if it
means we have to bite our own finger off to have her take us to the hospital. Besides, we should
have used that ride home to thoroughly poison the well by telling the officer all the horrendous
things they’ve been doing to us ever since we got back. Sure, she might just dismiss it all
as the fabrications of a deeply troubled child, but she might not, and that alone could
be enough to get her to take us into DHHS if we seem distressed enough.
Oh, right, like you were showing so much initiative the way you let her
stroll right by a minute ago.
By now she’s probably stashed away every
sharp object in the house. After all, she has to know what’s about to go down, right?
Well, apparently not, because by the time Tricia and Gunnar catch up with her, she’s completely
cornered herself in the upstairs bathroom. Gotta admit, that’s not the play I expected from a
criminal mastermind like herself, although she still comes out looking like friggin Danny Ocean
when you see these idiots' brilliant plan.
I get you wasted all of thirty seconds
prepping the self-delete narrative, but when the coroner finds her covered in
bruises from Gunnar’s bony freaking fingers, you're both gonna wind up in a prison
cell for the rest of your lives. For real, do you actually believe she’s going to simply
resign herself to death the moment you make the first incision? God, no wonder she’s
about to humiliate you both right now.
Unfortunately for Leena, her small stature
doesn’t lend itself to quick getaways, and it’s not long before Gunnar catches up
and yeets her down the stairs, which for some reason he’s now apologizing for.
Not sure why. Their first plan was dumb as heck anyway. Besides, she’s already officially
established herself as a flight risk with the police, so simply making her disappear was the
better option to begin with. That is, if someone would actually bother to finish his kill.
What the heck are you waiting for, dude? Get down there and river stomp this chick before you’re
forced into a deadly game of cat and mouse. Oh, and now she’s gone. Awesome. Well, better
get a move on, kid. Your mom’s busy talking on the phone right now, so now you’re going
to have to handle this all on your own.
Okay, sure, I get the need to confirm your husband
isn’t pulling up to the driveway this very moment, but are you really going to send your
braindead son after a hardened killer by himself? You’re just asking to walk in on
him being brutally stabbed to death. Nah, what am I saying? Go ahead and split up.
It’s not like it’s a well-established horror trope at this point, or anything.
After arming up with a broken foil, Gunnar pursues his surrogate sister into Allen’s
studio, where it seems she’s completely given in to her impending doom. I mean, that’s probably
what it would seem like to a complete and utter mouth breather, but judging by the hand behind
her back, I’d say she’s got other plans.
Jesus, dude, think you gave her an easy
enough target? You could have at least tried moving around a bit or diving behind one
of the paintings to make it harder for her to get a clean shot. See, now you’re getting brutally
stabbed to death, oh, and just in time for Mom to walk in. Who could have seen that coming?
Naturally, the sight of her son being butchered alive sends Tricia into a violent rage, and the
two quickly become entangled in a ridiculously over the top action sequence that threatens to
bring down the entire house. Nope, check that, they’re for sure about to burn this mother
down. However, instead of doing freakall to keep the place from going up in flames, Tricia
continues the chase upstairs so she can spend another two minutes monologuing about all the
ways she’s going to be vindicated when this is all over. Ugh, classic, NPD. Always gotta
control the narrative, even when you’re about to murder the only person involved.
And of course, had she just gone straight for the kill this whole mess would
probably be over by now. Instead, they’re both scrambling up to the roof like
some kind of knockoff Assassins Creed roleplay, which of course ends with them both hanging from
the gutters, because it turns out slap fighting on snow-cover ceramic shingles is super freaking
dangerous. All under control, right, Tricia?
Fortunately for…well, one of them, Allen managed
to fight his way through a combination of severe smoke inhalation and CGI flames to make it to a
nearby window, and you know what that means. Time for both of them to frantically blurt out a bunch
of semi-sane crap that’s only going to confuse the poor man and cause him to completely lock up.
Who will win? Yeah, the answer is gravity.
Yeesh, what a way to wind up on Tinder.
But, hey, at least you managed to save your little girl, right? Well, about that… As Allen
is lovingly smooshing his daughter’s face around, he knocks loose a set of false teeth, revealing
the coffee-stained nightmare that lies beneath. Recoiling in horror at the realization of what’s
taken place, he demands an explanation from the monster that’s been posing as his daughter,
but instead all he gets is a hard shove into an early grave beside his wife.
With the inferno raging all around her, Leena casually walks through the
disintegrating interior to the front door, leaving yet another crumpled family in her
wake as she emerges from the wreckage.
In the end, Leena came out on top; however, had
Tricia not mad away their tremendous advantage and outed her as an imposter the moment she
stepped out of line, they could have easily gotten rid of her without resorting to murder. Of
course, once they were forced to go that route, simply taking Leena out and making her
disappear would have denied her the opportunity to turn the tables, and for that
reason, I think the movie was Beaten.
Moral of the story, don’t replace your
children with escaped mental patients.
