If a military cargo plane crashed in the
middle of town, leaving you trapped inside a storage lot with the horrible monster
it was hauling, what would you do?
With no help coming and no way out, our only
hope is to put this thing down before it tears us all to pieces. But at 7 feet tall with razor
sharp claws and a poor disposition, you’d better believe this freak won’t be letting us off easy.
Oh, and just to make matters worse, our ex is here to dump an extra layer of interpersonal conflict
directly on top of an already jacked up situation, so, yeah, get ready for that.
I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat
the Escaped Alien in STORAGE 24
Charlie’s going through a bad breakup, which is
why he and his best friend Mark are currently stuck in traffic on their way to clean out his
share of the storage unit he held with his ex. Well, part of the reason, anyway. Turns out the
gridlock was caused by a plane crash somewhere in downtown London, which by itself, should
be enough for any rational human being to take the next exit and try again some other
time. After all, it could take days for them to clean up the crash site, during which time road
congestion will probably be every bit as bad.
And then there’s the fact this clearly
wasn’t your typical jetliner that went down, which even these two imbeciles might
realize if they actually bothered listening to what’s being said on the radio.
Expect what, radiation leaks, zombie plagues? Why would you turn it off at the single most important
part of the broadcast, cheeseball? You two might very well be heading straight towards
certain death, especially with that bit about the government setting up a quarantine,
ya know, cause those always go great.
Of course, they’re not the only ones to completely
abandon all common sense and put themselves in harm’s way. Just get a load of Goldilocks
strolling through ground zero like Fido’s exercise matters more than her life. Lady, those
are literal ashes you’re walking on right now. You’re really gonna stop beside burning debris to
call your husband about this. Unless he’s Captain Hindsight, there’s nothing he can do.
Oh, but fear not taxpayer. Here comes a convoy of G men to make this whole thing disappear, and
by that I mean make the witnesses disappear and then gaslight the public into believing it was
just a truck backfiring. For real though, time to GTFO before someone decides you saw something
you shouldn’t have, kinda like this giant metal mystery box that clearly came off the plane.
Besides if the feds don’t get you, whatever gleecked out all that
monster goo probably will.
Well, sounds like Foxy has left the building.
If only there were some kind of thick, durable strap you could have attached to her collar
to keep her restrained and out of trouble, but as far as I know, no such device has ever
existed. Oh, wait, it’s called a “leash,” which your pathetic freaking let go of twice.
That said, we should have cut our losses after the first time. Suffice to say, if your dog
runs into spooky warehouse next to a open slime-spattered government lock box thing,
you don’t have a dog anymore, and going in after her is how you wind up getting a totally
gutless, implied off screen death like blondie here. Besides, then you can get a puppy.
*Sigh. Oh, well, it’s not like she could have known just how utterly horrifying the contents of
that box truly were. Classic military transporting extremely dangerous cargo gone horribly wrong;
it’s THE CRAZIES all over again. Hopefully someday they’ll learn not to move unspeakable
bioweapons and vicious alien monsters through Spirit Air. Until then, at least put some
kind of tracking device on the container so that the first person to roll up on it isn’t
some random idiot out walking her dog.
Sometime later, Mark and Charlie arrive at the
storage lot to find that the plane crash caused the building’s security shutters to descend on
their own. Let me repeat that. This place was close enough to the crash site that the impact
severely damaged one of their critical systems. Not to mention the fact one of the jet turbines
crushed a car outside in the parking lot. I mean, sure, it’s not like I’d expect another
one to come down here anytime soon, but don’t you think we might be just a little
too close to the action right now?
Eh, whatever, it’ll just be
a quick trip in and out. See, the repairman’s already got it taken care of.
You mean besides punch yourself in the face for not immediately wedging something under the
gate? The whole reason you’re out here is because the dang thing closed on its own. What
are the chances that might happen again?
As for our heroes, the moment that thing starts
whirring back to life again, I’m ducking back underneath it and calling it a night. Who wants to
be stuck at a place like this waiting on another, potentially even dumber repairman to come
out and add himself to the equation?
Fortunately, it shouldn’t have to come to
that, as it turns out Handiman just needs to head on down to the basement and hack the
mainframe or whatever to get this thing up and running again. He just has to find it, that is
assuming something doesn’t find him first.
Meanwhile, Charlie and Mark arrive at the storage
unit to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, and her friends Nikki and Chris just happened to pick the
exact same day to come down here. Well, this isn’t awkward at all, especially the way Charlie insists
on having it out here and now in front of god and everybody like we’re on a friggin soap opera. Face
it, dude. It’s someone else’s turn, probably that guy she told you not to worry about. Definitely
not Chris, though; he’s a total chump.
Thankfully, the constantly fluctuating power
situation reminds Charlie just how stupid it was to come down here in the first place before
we’re forced to endure any more of this garbage, except, guess what, you’re still stuck
in here until the shutter’s fixed, and that could take hours, especially with Mr.
Fixit sitting down on the job on right now.
Yeah, don’t go thinking the terrifying
alien monster is gonna change that 1 out of 5 Yelp review I’m giving you.
Lucky for yellow shirt guy, the creature decided to reveal itself for no apparent reason
instead of immediately ripping his spine out. Guess it must enjoy the thrill of the chase.
Whatever the case, wagie bro should have used his head start to barricade the absolute
crap out of the basement door instead of just standing there waiting for it to smash its
way through. As if a flimsy interior door could ever possibly stop something like that.
Sure, running and hiding is also an option, but it doesn’t change the fact we’re trapped in
here, and right now the only man that knows how to get us un-trapped is currently gurgling in
a pool of his own drippings. Sooner or later that thing is gonna get out into the rest of the
facility, and when it does we need to have a plan if we want to keep our spleens intact.
In that case, I have three. Option one, we grab our official Storage 24 bolt cutters and
break into units until we find one loaded up with tons of crap. From there, we just shut the door
and bury ourselves in junk, at which point we sit quietly until well after the screaming stops.
Yeah, central to this plan is not telling the customers what’s going on, that way they take
all the aggro while we cozy up in people’s tchotchkes. Also, couldn’t hurt to smash our way
into the vending machine and grab some snacks if we have time. We could be in there a while.
Now, you’re probably wondering what the endgame is there. After all, we’d still be stuck in here
alongside the Beastie Boi, right? Well, maybe not. Unless it snuck in through the front door in a
trench coat, the creature must have gotten in through the basement somehow, meaning it could
just as easily leave once it gets bored. Sure, we’d be taking a huge risk poking our heads out
when the time comes, but is that greater than our other choices, well, let’s find out.
Plan number two also involves hiding without telling the others, but instead of hunting for the
sweet spot, we post up in the unit closest to the basement door. This time we just hangout until we
hear the other’s actively being torn to shreds, at which point we pop out and run down to the
basement to try and find the route the monster took to get in. Unfortunately, right off the
bat, there’s a couple huge problems with this one. First of all, we have no way of knowing
whether there’s just the one, so we run the risk of leaving our hiding spot only to bump
into another on the way down. We also don’t know if this hypothetical escape route is even
navigable for us. Sure, the creature looks big, but for all we know it can compress its
ribcage to the width of a household sponge, or the path might involve a thirty foot
climb up a vertical concrete shaft.
Of course, both of these strats rely on the
assumption that this freakshow doesn’t have some kind of extraordinary sensory perception
that would allow it to sus out our hiding spot right off the bat, and since we don’t know
anything about it, that’s totally possible, but I don’t think it’s enough to dismiss these
ideas outright. That said, if we want to eliminate that possibility altogether, we’ll have to
go with option three, which involves running over to the others immediately and enlisting
their help killing this idiot with whatever weapons we can find and/or improvise.
Naturally, we won’t say it’s a literal monster since we need them to actually believe
us. Instead, we’ll tell them an unhinged man with a machete murdered the repairman and
almost got us too. As for how he even got in, who cares? Dude has a machete, and the fact we’re
stuck in here means we’ll have to go through him to reach the utility box whatshisname was
messing with to open the shutters. Oh, and in case you’re thinking we can just dig
in somewhere and call the cops, we can’t, because obviously all landlines and cellphones
had to suddenly stop working for some reason.
If we’re lucky, one of the other storage customers
might have told the buyback to suck it easy and filled his unit full of illegal semi-automatic
firearms and armor piercing ammunition. I wouldn’t count on it though. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t
bank on us finding much more than croquet mallets, golf clubs, and the odd cricket bat. Still,
even if Lancelot himself left Excalibur in one of these things, I’d still put our chances
of success in the single digits. Fact is, we don’t know anything about our enemy, strengths,
weaknesses, allergies, nothing. On the other hand, it definitely knows just how soft, squishy, and
vulnerable we are, so it probably wouldn’t bat an eye at the sight of us charging straight
for it armed with a bunch of random garbage, especially if it has back up. Either way, I’ll
be sure to stay at the rear of the stack in case things go like I think they’ re gonna go.
So, that’s about it. Let me know which of these options you’d choose down in the comments.
Or if you think you’re better than me, go ahead and shatter my mind all to pieces
with your stunning intellect and god-tier monster fighting skills. Me, I’m going with
option one, because it makes the fewest assumptions and basically lets us sit around
drinking Mr. Pib and eating peanut M&Ms while listening to a whole bunch of randos we don’t
care about getting brutally slaughtered.
Evidently, yellow shirt agrees, as Chris randomly
finds him catatonic in some creepy-freaking mannequin hoarder’s unit. But of course, if
the average idiot can find your hiding spot without even trying, you’d better believe the
extraterrestrial super predator can too.
Aww, yes, the false ceiling. I’ll admit, not
something I thought about when putting my plans together. Then again, it probably wouldn’t
have made a difference had he remembered to CLOSE the DOOR, or at very least curl
up out of sight in there to keep from jump-scaring a rando into giving him away.
The good news for everyone else is that shirt bro probably wasn’t gonna be all that much help
anyway. Plus, his death does serve to teach us a couple things about the monster’s behavior. The
fact it yoinked him up into the ceiling instead of jumping in to kill both of us, suggests it prefers
to ambush unsuspecting prey instead of risking a direct confrontation. That means, despite our
probable status as puny humans in its eyes, it still considers us formidable enough to avoid
a stand-up fight two on one. And the fact it chose to travel through the vents instead
of strolling through aisles only supports this point. The way I see it, that means it’s
probably vulnerable enough for us to put it down given enough effort. However, don’t let that fool
you into thinking this will be easy. After all, tigers also prefer the sneaky route, and well,
try taking one of those with a crowbar.
Unfortunately, no one but Chris is going
to learn about this, because instead of immediately running back to his friends to
report the situation, he simply takes the last guy’s place among the mannequins. Seriously,
you’d think he’d at least want to get out of the room he saw someone get taken from. Even,
yellow shirt had enough brains to do that.
Elsewhere in the building, it seems Charlie still
thinks he and Shelley can smooth things over, but it’s pretty clear she no longer wants anything
to do with the man. Lucky for him, he has a friend like Mark who’s willing to go in after her and
try to… oh… oohhhh, no. So, it’s like that, huh. Jesus, imagine having so little respect for
someone you can’t even wait another hour or two before you go stab him in the back. Oh, well, as
long as you both remember to put all your clothes all the way back on before leaving the box,
Charlie won’t have to know about this, and you can avoid making an already extremely awkward
situation about a billion times worse.
Yes, do it, Charlie. Give in to your anger.
Okay, for real, though, you can hear your extremely recent ex approaching, who you dumped
over the phone I might add, and you don’t even think to finish getting dressed before walking
out. I mean, yeah, it was just one sleeve, but at the same time, IT WAS JUST ONE SLEEVE!
Oh, well, at least now Charlie knows for sure why things fell apart. Plus, now he also knows who
to sacrifice to save his own neck when things inevitably go to crap, although at least at this
point, the thought probably hasn’t occurred to him since he still hasn’t found out about the
monster. Hmmm, nah, it probably still has.
Luckily, he won’t have too much time to
dwell on it as he and Nikki suddenly find Chris whimpering audibly in the mannequin
room, and that’s not all they find.
Man, talk about a close one. That blurred out
blob on the screen almost nailed us.
Of course, we could have avoided looking there
in the first place if Crying Chris could pull himself together long enough to explain what just
went down. Yes, I know everyone’s gonna be like, “no way, you must be crazy,” but Jesus, dude
are you really gonna let a significant portion of your available man power get decapitated
sticking his head up there like that? Besides, this thing already killed one man in here,
if we let it get a two-for that just really reflects poorly on humanity as a whole.
That said, Chris shouldn’t have to say anything for us to realize we need to leave this spot
right now. Charlie just saw the mangled corpse of a storage employee get dragged off into the duct
work, and yet here we are still standing around mere feet from where someone was brutally killed
as though the half-inch-thick ceiling tiles could possibly protect us from literally anything. Even,
if you don’t think it’s the work of a monster, which they don’t because Chris still refuses
to say anything even remotely freaking useful, you should still be concerned about the prospects
of a crazy person roaming the halls looking for trouble, and there just so happens to be one.
Well, we can certainly try.
Gotta admit, I never would have seen something
like this coming. Nutjob nearly gave Nikki her last whitening. I’m joking of course. Dude seems
unhinged, for sure, but I don’t think he was actually trying to kill her. However, because
some people just refuse to open their mouths, everyone just assumes he’s the one who killed
yellow shirt, because why wouldn’t they. So, what do they do next? Well, tie him up for
questioning in the mannequin unit, of course, where once again, we just saw someone’s mutilated
remains get dragged off into oblivion.
Sure, if they think he’s the one responsible,
I get how they might assume there’s no threat, except why would they automatically assume
he was working alone. Do you really think some skinny old fart jaguar’d a human body
up there on his own, and even if he did, why would he then leave his sniping spot to
force a confrontation on their level armed with nothing but an electric toothbrush.
Eventually, we come to find out the man lives here, having moved in following a divorce to hide
his remaining wealth from his ex-wife’s attorneys. Since then, he created the costume of the alien
monster to scare people away from the storage lot so Mary’s Private I’s would never track him
down. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for all these meddling punks,
and their dog. I’m joking of course. That was Scooby Doo. He’s obviously not the murderer,
though, which everyone eventually pieces together just in time for the real killer to come rip
the door off their little non-hideout.
Well, that figures. Chris finally breaks out
of his stupor to do something freaking idiotic. You’re really going to run out the door the
monster pulled open. What world do you live in where that’s a better idea than staying with the
group. I mean, yes, I’ve been heavily criticizing their decision to stay in there all this time,
but right now it clearly beats the alternative. If anything, Chris should have told everyone to
hit the deck and keep their mouths shut lest they wind up getting pulled up into the ceiling.
Besides, we all know there’s no way out of here, so where exactly are you planning on
fleeing to right now? If anything, you’re just going to wind up cornering yourself
somewhere and getting ripped apart, like so.
Well, at least it was quick.
The good news is that Chris’s little mad dash for freedom bought the others time to finally leave
the mannequin unit. The bad news is that it wasn’t Mark or Shelley, but there’s still plenty of movie
left to go, so god willing there’s a chance for them to have parts ripped off as well. For now the
plan is to sneak over to Simon Peg’s anti-alimony bunker since it locks from the inside. Well, I say
“sneak,” but they make absolutely zero effort to stay quiet the whole way, which is why old Face
Fingers is currently hot on their trail. Now, if only the geezer could stop thrashing his keys
long enough to open the dang thing. As a matter of fact, this would be a great time to tell
you all about The Ridge’s signature KeyCase. No more rattling, jingling, and fumbling
around with an o-ring full of keys while being hunted down by a giant praying mantis.
However, by some miracle, the homeowner’s able to work through his archaic key holding device
just in time for everyone to make it inside without getting sliced. Gee, nice place you got
bro. Nothing says “well-adjusted human being” quite like a wall of televisions turned
to every single news station. Then again, the man does live in a storage unit, so
I’m not sure what all I was expecting.
And speaking of the news, it seems the situation
outside has escalated beyond the plane crash. The military is showing up in force, deploying
tanks and fighter jets in anticipation of something nasty. Meanwhile, there are reports
of strange aircraft approaching the city, which the old man quite reasonably
links to our new best friend.
Dude, seriously? Are we really about to have
this conversation right now? “Oh, aliens, that’s preposterous.” Did you not freaking see
that horrible monster hand nearly tear someone’s head off as you all narrowly made it inside? Yeah,
ya know what, forget it. It doesn’t matter where this thing came from. All that matters is where
it’s going, which is straight to evil. After all, the thing saw us come in here, and the walls
and ceiling in this SPAM can are nowhere near reinforced enough to keep it out for very long.
Ultimately, it’s only a matter of time before that sucker gets inside, and if we’re not prepared when
that happens, it’s gonna be a blood bath.
Furthermore, given what’s going on outside, I’d
say there’s no chance someone’s gonna be coming to rescue us any time soon. In that case, we’re
also going to have to find a way past the shutters ourselves, which means a trip down to the basement
to finish what the repair guy started.
First thing’s first, however, we need weapons
if we’re going to have any chance of making it down there in one piece. Problem is bathrobe bro
doesn’t have any lying around this pigsty. And he calls this place a hideout, for Christ’s sake.
Fortunately, he does know where to find them, or at least, he thinks he does. We just have to find
a way into the other units without getting caught out in the open and brutally killed by a bloody
thirsty nightmare creature, but it turns out that’s not quite as impossible as it sounds.
So, wait, all these quote/unquote “secure storage units” are connected by air ducts
large enough for a grown man to crawl through? Whose bright idea was that?
Well, whatever. This mind-boggling architectural blunder might very well save our lives, that is
were it not for two major issues. First, as I’ve already explained, this is London. We’ll be lucky
to dig up a couple kitchen knives and a slingshot, and right now we’re needing the Holy Hand Grenade.
Second, all this aluminum duct work is going to make moving quietly pretty much impossible, and
considering the monster’s claws were able to leave those marks on the steel door, it’ll probably rip
straight through the ducts and into our intestines before we make it to the next unit.
All this is to say, Mark should definitely be going first. But of course, the
absolute scum bag is gonna make all of zero effort to atone for his betrayal. I
totally get what Shelley sees in him.
Fact is, this will almost certainly be a one-way
trip, and even if it’s not, I highly doubt the end results will be worth the wasted time. Besides,
you mean to tell me that amongst all this dude’s crap there’s nothing, not one thing, we could use
to bonk, stab, or otherwise injure this freakshow? No sports equipment or tools or cutlery, or even
booze we could use for Molotov cocktails? Give me a break. I mean, just look at all these analog
televisions. Worst case scenario we could always smash a couple over its head WWE style.
Oh, well, I guess we’re doing this. And by some miracle, Mark and Charlie manage to
successfully loot all the connected storage units without being attacked. The reward for
all this, a crowbar, a hammer, a steak knife, two Toys R Us walkie talkies, and a pack of
illegal fireworks. Well, it’s all definitely better than nothing, assuming we actually live
long enough to use any of it, of course.
Gee, thanks, bro. Least he could have
done was toss us one of the weapons so we’d at least have a fighting chance.
Actually, the way the ET was breaking through underneath him, there’s a chance a slightly less
spineless partner would have been able to strike from above once the creeper stuck its head through
the opening. I don’t care what planet you’re from. A crowbar through the top of the skull
isn’t going to make your day any better.
Naturally, brave, brave Sir Robin decides to
tell everyone Charlie bit the dust to make himself look better, which, let’s be honest, he
totally would have were it not for an inordinate amount of plot armor. Sure, he might have
made it out of the ducts okay, but no way he’s walking away from this next close encounter
armed with nothing but stuffed animals.
Yeah, I’m sure that would totally happen.
This creature traverses god knows how many light years in order to get here, likely using
technology far beyond our comprehension, just to wind up bamboozled by a wind up toy. Since
when did this turn into one of those movies.
In any sane universe, the only way Charlie would
have been walking out of that situation would have been by not attracting its attention by
kicking the door down in the first place. Sure, you definitely don’t want to get cornered in
such a confined space, but like I said before, nothing’s getting through those ducts without
making a ton of noise, meaning we’d know about it far enough in advance to bust our way out
and still have somewhat of a head start to find another hiding place. Last thing we’d
want to do is break the door down when, for all we know, the thing is standing right
outside waiting for us, which it totally was.
Regardless of how we do it, once we
break line of sight on this thing, we should head for the basement as we know that’s
where the rest of our group should be headed, provided they’re all still in one piece. However,
as luck would have it, we won’t even have to go that far before finding everyone alive and well,
that is except for the big fat bruise welling up on Mark’s ego. I mean, just look at that dirty
look his homie-hopping girlfriend gave him just now? It’s almost like she realized the kinda
guy who’d swoop his best bud’s GF might not be super trustworthy. Crazy, right?
Unfortunately, the semi-joyous reunion is short-lived, as Charlie still has
Daddy Long Legs hot on his trail.
Mmm, smart. His ex-wife will never be able to
find him if he’s mangled beyond recognition.
As for the rest of us, we should take advantage
of Bathrobe bro’s noble sacrifice and make a plan to end this freakshow. After all, we have no
idea where to even start looking once we make it to the basement, much less what to do once we
find what we’re looking for, meaning it’s almost certainly going to track us down before we even
come close to getting the shutters open.
The good news is, our little scav run turned
up everything we need to get the job done, particularly the walkie talkies and
fireworks. First thing we need to do is repackage the powder charges in those bottle
rockets to amplify the effect. Of course, this is something we should have done back
in the bachelor pad. Like how exactly were we planning on using them otherwise, as a cudgel?
Just imagine how much more effective the old man’s sacrifice play would have been had he bearhugged
the sucker with an IED strapped to his chest.
Naturally, YouTube won’t let me go too deep on
that, but effectively, we need to turn those ten small charges into one big one. I’m sure you’re
all smart enough to fill in the blanks on that one. If not, there’s always CHAT GPT.
Once that’s ready, we’ll want to place one of the walkies in an empty storage unit. Preferably,
one with other unlocked units all around it we can have people hide in. Using the other walkie, we’ll
have our weakest group member transmit their voice to lure in the monster. Safe to say at this point,
it’s using sound to track us through the facility, so as long as we all stay quiet, it should come
right to the sound of our decoy. That said, the person doing the talking will also be making
noise, so we’ll want to put them in a more tightly packed container to minimize the echo. Should
also probably bury their heads in clothing and junk to muffle their speech even further.
Once the target enters the trap container. We’ll light the charge using Mark’s matches and toss
it inside before holding the door closed. If we’re lucky, the blast alone will do the trick,
but given it’ll be more of a concussion grenade, we should plan on barging in afterwards to finish
it off with our hand tools while it’s dazed.
Instead, what we get from the brain
trust is about as dumb as it gets.
Yeah, sure, let’s split up. How could that
possibly end in disaster? Plus, not only do they still refuse to maximize their resources by
modifying the fireworks, they’re spreading their firepower even thinner by splitting up.
Nah, I get it. Now’s his chance to get back at Shelley by shmoozing HER best friend. And what
better conditions to make a move than a filthy, spider infested basement with a
monster tracking you down.
Seriously, though, absent any firearms or
explosives, our only chance at putting this thing down is by attacking in force with
everything we have. Pairing off like this will only make it easier for it to pick us off,
which is exactly what ends up happening. Oh, and it turns out splitting up wasn’t even necessary
in the first place, as team Charlie finds the repairman and his magic shutter opening device
almost immediately. Now instead of heading back to the entrance as a group and holding the line
while we button mash our way to freedom, we have to go find Shelley, who… wait a minute, Shelley
got taken? Yeah, actually, never mind, we’re good here. Screw that girl, right, Charlie?
Bro… give it a rest, for the love of God. Let’s assume for one second that she wasn’t immediately
destroyed like literally everyone else who’s been grabbed by this thing. Do you really think she’d
do the same thing for you given the way she ripped your guts out without a second thought? The only
downside to this development is that Mark didn’t get nailed too, which, going by what we’ve
seen from him so far, is probably because he bravely tapped her kneecaps to buy himself time to
escape. Time to move on, dude. It’s over.
Holy crap, man, nothing to lose? You got
cheated on and dumped. It’s not like your whole family was murdered. Can it with
the freaking melodrama. This is far from the end of the world, ya know, probably.
At any rate, back amongst the storage units, it seems the super beast still hasn’t popped the
cork on this chick for whatever reason. Although, if I had to guess, it’s trying to figure out
just what kind of lowly, degenerate life form it’s looking at. Whatever it is, the monster’s
hesitance lends her an opportunity to use her special backstabbing powers for something other
than evil, giving her just enough time to trap herself behind a flimsy metal liftgate it could
easily rip open at any time. I mean, it’s not like she had a ton of options at this point, but
it seems to me that even the sheet metal doors on one of the storage units would have been a better
option than this. At least then, it wouldn’t be able to easily spot her from down the hall.
As for Charlie, if he’s really determined to save Shelley’s life, he needs to start making a ton
of noise to lure it away from her. Otherwise, it’s just gonna tear him in half like a phone
book and go right back to attacking her, thereby making his sacrifice entirely
pointless. In that case, I’d start banging on the metal doors as hard as I could to draw
the aggro, then once I knew it was on my tail, I’d haul butt back to the main entrance to force
Mark into the fight as well. God knows, if I’m going out, he’s at least coming with me.
Fortunately, for our hero, it may not come to that, as it seems Nikki finally realized that
the explosives she’s been carrying around all this time, are in fact, explosives. Now, we
just need someone brave enough to ram them down the monster’s throat, and it turns out
Charlie knows just the man for the job.
Well then. That seems like quite a
lot to stake on a wind up toy. I mean, what if it turned around at some point, or, ya
know the monster just kicked it away like it did earlier. Probably would have been a better idea
to light all the fuses and rush the idiot in hopes we could jam a couple into its freaky sideways
mouth before it could rip our arms off. At least, then we’d know for sure if it worked.
On that note, no way I’m running in for the emotional hug without first seeing a few piles
of monster guts on the floor. Given everything she’s put us through, the least Shelley
could do is come to us afterwards.
Oh, well, either way, I’m sure the creature
is totally gone for good, so nothing to do now except open the shutters and breathe in
the sweet air of freedom, or whatever passes for it over in London. But of course, it couldn’t
be that easy. Once again Mark decided he was going to screw us over to save his own skin, although
this time he did a pretty lousy job of it.
For real, dude, the least you could have done
is barricade the doors with office furniture to keep them from casually kicking their
way in after only a couple tries. Besides, your so-called friends weren’t the only thing
you were trying to keep out of here.
Oh, no, it totally wasn’t gone for good,
and by the looks of it, it’s not just extra crispy, it’s also extra Po’ed
In fact, the monster’s so angry it’s decided to throw us around a bit instead
of simply killing us right away, ya know, to teach us a lesson. However, what it fails
to realize is that by prolonging our suffering, it’s only giving us an opportunity to
find something we can kill it with, something I don’t believe we’ve ever
seen before on this channel.
Wow, what a twist.
Okay, jokes aside, please don’t tell me you’re gonna assume it’s dead after
a single poke to the thorax. For all we know, you just hit the snooze button on this thing,
and we have come way too far to get griefed this close to extraction. At least mash its head with
the crowbar a few dozen times to make sure it’s really down for the count. In fact, while one of
us is working on the door, the other two should be trading off beating this thing until what’s
left of it could fall through a strainer.
Ya know what, fine, whatever. It’s finally over.
And with that, Charlie, Shelley, and Nikki, are free to move on with their lives as
newly single Brits, except not really, cause it turns out this whole time we were
playing hide and seek in the storage lot, the plot of INDEPENDENCE DAY was playing out in
real time everywhere else. Looks like we’re gonna need a lot more toy poodles.
In the end, only Charlie, Shelley, and Nikki survived to kneel before our new
alien overlords. However, had we taken some initiative and savagely beat Chris until he
told us what happened to the storage employee, we might have had enough warning to either
hide in hopes the monster left on its own, or arm ourselves for a brutal fight to the death.
Of course, once we met up with Bathrobe Bro and rounded up the fireworks, we could have put my
trap plan into action and barbecued the sucker without taking any further casualties.
For that reason, I think STORAGE 24 was Beaten.
Moral of the story, if you see something, say something,
especially if what you saw looks like this.
