How To Be The Bestest Journalism Ever

now it's a well-known fact that today's crop of journalists are some of the best most professional and trustworthy individuals that you could ever wish to meet whether it's reporting on current events politics or the world of entertainment these fearless seekers of truth can always be relied upon to ask difficult questions and deliver hard-hitting impartial and unprejudiced answers no matter how uncomfortable they may be and truly no members of this esteemed group are held in higher regard than video game journalists these paragons of wisdom and knowledge are the first port of call for any self-respecting gamer looking to broaden their knowledge of the video game industry obtain deep and insightful reviews of the latest releases or generally educate themselves on how to become better people and it got me to thinking what do i have to do to be one of them do any of us mere mortals possess the right stuff what exactly do you have to do say or be in order to join their hallowed ranks well after exhaustive research and many long hours of careful consideration i do believe i've found the secret to journalistic success allow me to illuminate you now for starters you might assume that you have to be passionate about video games as an entertainment medium well versed in their history and definitely skilled at playing them but that's just not the case in fact your incompetent playing style and lackluster interest is no longer a barrier to success because most game developers have helpfully included a journalist mode in their games specifically designed for people just like you that way you can sit back with your decaf soy latte and just watch the pretty colors on screen as the game basically completes itself after a few hours of this you're probably feeling tired but that's okay because you can feel totally confident in offering up your opinion on the game with absolute authority just make sure not to livestream yourself trying to play it because some people can be snooty about that kind of thing but don't worry they're just sweaty virgin gatekeepers living in their parents basements now if you've managed to ascend to the highest levels of gaming journalism you don't even need to bother playing the game that you're reviewing you certainly don't need to trouble yourself with trivial details like customization options crafting systems side quests exploration resource gathering or even completing the main story because really who can be bothered with that kind of thing it's not like you're getting paid tens of thousands of dollars a year just to play games no you've got better things to do and those things are activism see this should be your real focus as a gaming journalist today whereas previous generations wasted their time discussing such tedious minutia as level design graphics gameplay story characters sound or technical performance you can focus on far more important questions like how many characters in this game are attracted to people of the same sex why aren't there more black people in this historically accurate role-playing game set in medieval europe why do the women in this game have breasts why is there so much water [Laughter] there's so many things you can complain about that the possibilities for pretending to care about sorry advancing the cause of representation and diversity are practically endless however you may encounter instances where game developers anticipate these complaints and actually try to accommodate every possible variation on human sexuality physical appearance gender and identity and in these cases you may find yourself wondering what to say after all they've basically given you everything that you've ever asked for but don't worry there's a simple but effective mantra that i want you to use in situations like this it's never enough no matter how far they go and how hard they try to include every obscure variation on the human experience there's always more that could have been done if 50 of their characters are gay why not 100 if they include options to make your character male or female or both then why can't they be neither and why can't players come up with a whole new gender all of their own and have the game somehow adjust millions of lines of code on the fly to accommodate it now you begin to see how them conceding an inch allows you to take a mile and still complain that it's not good enough it's genius really and always keep in mind the games companies that publicly bend the knee to you and your activism those ones are keepers and they should be protected at all times so that everyone else can learn from them so be sure to give their games glowing reviews across the board and nominate them for every meaningless award possible regardless of their objective quality and of course there's the importance of politics see one thing gamers absolutely love is when games journalists shamelessly inject their own personal political views into articles that have no actual connection to what they're talking about whether it's using the release of the latest games console to criticize the state of the american electoral and healthcare systems or a game about a globetrotting female archaeologist to reopen historical grievances about colonialism there's almost no limit to the political topics that you can crowbar into your articles and if you happen to belong to a demographic that isn't a white heterosexual male then so much the better make sure you reference this in your work as often as possible this is what we like to call laying the groundwork but we'll talk more about that shortly naturally we all know that you really hate the orange man living in that big white house on pennsylvania avenue so be sure to mock bulitzel and criticize him on social media as well as the people who ever agreed with anything he said or did at every possible opportunity truly that's the bravest and most imaginative thing that anyone in the news media or entertainment industries can aspire to so go for it and if you happen to get any kind of pushback or criticism from gamers youtubers developers or even fellow journalists that still adhere to old-fashioned ideas of professionalism and integrity be sure to lash out at them violently on social media label them as some kind of phobe and encourage people to dog pile against them and if that's not enough don't worry you can always just claim harassment and discrimination and use it to have your critics permanently de-platformed remember that groundwork we talked about earlier well this is the time to cash it in my friend and i mean that literally make sure to have a gofundme on standby for moments like this not that you'll ever have to worry about income of course people such as yourself are as difficult to remove from your parent companies as a dug-in take especially if you laid the groundwork like we discussed earlier no you'll be safe and sound and free to continue pushing your activism and disrespecting your audience while picking up a hefty paycheck for reviewing games that you don't particularly like or care about in fact the only real worry you might have is that your company itself might be slowly dying as your antics cause a loss of trust and respect that gradually pushes its audience away to other platforms and creators but it's not like that could ever happen could it anyway that's all i've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 780,173

Keywords:

Id: BzSI5HANe1I

Length: 7min 34sec (454 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 10 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Ebolatastic]

Ah, the Drinker. Was worried he'd be all about the hate train.

[u/BinaryDuck]

Wait there are still gamer journalists in the world?