(Sneezes) Alhumdullillah. - (Sneezes)
- Alhumdullillah. Bless you. Bless you, too. No, nope, don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. And this is how the virus spreads. Hey, it’s Hasan. I hope you’re safe.
I hope you’re well. I hope you’re with your family,
and I hope you’re in good spirits wherever you are in the world. I wanted to check in with you
guys because, as promised, I wanted to put out some videos. I miss seeing
everybody at the show. I miss seeing my friends. I miss the creative routine. So, as promised, I wanted to put out some more
digital content with you guys to show you guys how I’ve been living,
what’s been going on with me. And that’s why we have put
together this brand new series– it’s just like what you’ve
experienced before, but a little bit different, given the circumstances. This is– play the music. (Theme song) Hasan From A Distance. Let’s begin. (Theme song) Welcome to our kitchen. We’re gonna play a quick game.
Beena, you’re the contestant. It’s called, Is This Ranch,
Or Is This Masala. Ranch or masala? (Ranch.) This is masala. This is open. Your mom put masala in this. Is this ranch or is this masala? (Masala.) Wrong. Oh, snap. No, it’s not. Masala. You’re right. Ranch or Masala? (Masala.) Yes. Why in God’s name
do we own these? (Flavor.) No. Silver lining to the quarantine, getting to share a
meal with a loved one. Babe, we rarely get to
have lunch together. Today, I’m gonna make you
some lunch. Is that cool? (Sure.) Alright. Today, I’m gonna
make you my specialty. Peanut butter and jelly. Start with some bread, right? Two pieces of wheat bread. We got peanut butter and jelly. Alright. We’ll start off on this. And put peanut butter on one side–
is that cool with you? Yeah? Okay. Spread it on. Just keep it thicc. Two Cs. Alright, there you go. Like that. All the way to the edges.
I’m not gonna, you know what I mean, cut
corners. Make sure every bite per square inch has
peanut butter on it. You have some left over here.
Now, normally, I would– eh– lick it. I’m not gonna do that
because you’re recording. So, I’m gonna hygienically wipe. Wipe. Let’s go with the jelly. It’s almost done. We did not look before. Okay. Spread, spread, spread. And spread it. And you are... here. Okay. People make fun of my knife skills, but... (What are you doing?) I’m making a heart. Who said romance is dead? You ready? Yes. Okay. Welcome to
Hasan’s Book Club where I tell you about my favorite books. They’re not really my favorite books.
I have no free time now, so these are the books that I have to
read to my two-year-old daughter. Our first book is called,
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. This is about a mouse that breaks
into a house and literally takes everything from a poor boy. To me, this story is indicative of
unchecked capitalism. You have a vagrant mouse
that comes in from the outside. It has really no checks or balances on itself. And it takes, and it takes, and it takes, and completely
destroys the system, literally until he comes full
circle, asks for a bailout... and then, at the very end,
on top of it, after it’s destroyed everything, wants more milk and cookies. This book is called, The Giving Tree
by Shel Silverstein. It’s about human beings, when
given any opportunity, destroy literally everything around them. Yeah, I’d be upset too. Look, this boy is given an apple tree and
literally until the day he dies, he destroys the tree until he’s just
an old man sitting on a stump left with nothing. This is also, probably, Shel Silverstein’s magnum opus, and this was the picture they chose
to put on the back What do you think of that? Just a photo of him looking
directly at the sun. This book is called, There’s a Bear
in My Chair. Once again, a consistent theme that
I’ve found in children’s stories is, animals pretty much don’t
follow the rules. Oh, great. You want to watch—
this is The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats. Really great story. This is about a little boy who wears a really super cute red hoodie, experiences his first snow. Look at that! So happy. It’s snowing. He slides down. Look at that! He’s experiencing everything.
He wakes up. Wow, it’s snowing. Oh my God, there’s so much
snow outside. Look at that! I’m putting my little footprints
in the snow. Great! Look, I can even drag
a little stick. I can use a stick to hit a tree. Down comes the snow.
It plops on my head. I keep marching along.
I’m enjoying the day. And then look, a bunch of big kids
throw snowballs at me. So, what are you doing these days
in terms of, just like, self care. Now that COVID has run rampant
and, you know, days don’t really have any structure,
organization– what do you do– Who did that? Do you feel like now,
given China’s relationship– Okay– sometimes–
which one do you want? Let me ask you this. Gi– yeah? Okay. Hey, guys. Welcome to a very
special edition of Deep Cuts with my newborn son. I’m burping him right now. So, if he passes gas, please forgive him. Let’s get into it. (Alright.) I think this would be so hilarious,
but if this entire COVID situation made us finally get free healthcare
for everybody in this country, I think that would be
incredible and amazing. I also think it’s really funny that
Republicans are now calling for social welfare programs. (Alright.) Dude, we told you guys about
the cruise ship industry. Everybody was giving us flack
when we first put out the episode. They’re like, “No, I like going on
cruises” and I’m like, “I’m telling you. They’re
floating petri dishes.” And now that we’ve crossed the
rubicon and we’re in this post COVID world, we all see how terrifying cruises are. Now, with the bail out situation, I... I hope that it’s not just the CEOs that get
the money from this. I hope that all the employees and the people
that work on these cruise ships see a significant payday
from this entire situation. (Alright.) That question is trying to
get me caught up. Because you guys know that when Galileo told people that the
Earth revolves around the sun, they threw him in prison, right? So, what I would do, is I would lay low. I wouldn’t try to make a scene. I would just try to observe
what everybody is doing. But if I really wanted
wanted to terrify them, I would tell them
about the internet. I’d be like, “Hey, there’s
this place where, you know, like how you guys
have the news?” They’d be like, “What’s the news?” And I’m like,
“You know how you guys, like, tell each other through oral tradition
what’s happening in the world?” They’d be like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I’d be like, “Imagine there’s a place where everybody’s talking about the news,
but it never ends.” They’d be like,
“What’s that place called?” And I’d be like, “Twitter.” And they’d be like,
“That place sounds like hell.” I’m like, “Yeah, I know. It is.” First of all, thank you so
much for showing our show in your classroom. It’s pretty amazing how many
teachers have told me they play episodes of Patriot Act
in their classroom. And first of all, look, teachers, I know you guys
deserve so much more in terms of resources and pay. But come on, you
can’t just be showing episodes of the show like
you’re a substitute teacher. If you’re full-time faculty,
you gotta bring it. You can’t just be rolling in that little
cart and then just play episodes Patriot Act. But in regards to your question, I would say... Look, students are
stressing out right now. I went through that, too, as a
super kind of ambitious kid that was trying to go to med school.
We all saw how that played out. This actually came from a teacher. I remember getting a B and
we would actually have to take report cards home. And I told my teacher
when he gave it to me, I was like, “I can’t, I can’t bring this home.” And he’s like, “Hey man, like,
a B is okay. A B means you did pretty good.” And I was like, “Yeah, I just can’t bring this home. Like, it will be the end of me.
I will not come to school tomorrow if I bring this home.” And he was
like, “You are who you are.” And at the time, I took
that as an insult, but, it is true, man. Like, you can’t let these things break you. Do your best. Really study. Like, actually give it
a good, concerted effort, but let the chips fall where they may.
Everybody can’t be a doctor. You know? Like... yeah. (That’s awful advice.) What do you mean? (Alright.) Alright. Living in New York City,
I used to make fun of Times Square so much. I can’t wait to go back to Times
Square. I used to make fun of the crowds. I used to make
fun of the M&M Store. I used to make fun of that,
like, weird Elmo. I miss weird ass Elmo and I miss the crowds and I
miss the M&M Store and I’m dying to go back. (Alright.) Uh, number one, spend time with family. Number two, watch Hallmark movies with Beena. And number three, FaceTime friends that you haven’t
had a chance to talk to in a long time. (Alright.) I had to trim the beard because,
unlike other late night hosts, I can’t just let it go wild. Otherwise,
I’ll end up on a watch list. In terms of the hair, look, we’re
social distancing, so it’s getting long. You know– the sides aren’t as
tight as they used to be. So, it’s just gonna get long until
we can get back into society. - (Alright.)
- Yep. Uh, I did. That’s why I’m wearing these. Indoor Uggs, baby.
