How attachment influences self-image | Judy Ho | TEDxReno

[Music] I have a confession to make I talk to myself all the time and also sorts of situations when I'm by myself and when I'm in the presence of others and I know I'm not the only person in this room who does this on a daily basis anyone else no okay thank you don't leave me hanging guys well selft talk is what makes us uniquely human our ability to talk to ourselves to narrate what we're doing and to think about our thinking is what led us to the top of the food chain selft talk is like our brain's operating system just like a computer's operating system selft talk is constantly running in the background of Our Lives managing our thoughts our feelings and our behaviors selft talk is our internal narrator it helps us make sense of the world and filters our experiences through the lens of our values beliefs and memories but just like a computer selft talk in our operating system is prone to glitches and bugs this happens all the time and a lot of times we don't even know that it's happening when it's happening and this is because our brain tries to be efficient but in doing so it often oversimplifies catastrophizes and creates rules of thumb that aren't accurate balanced or complete self-talk can create self-defeating exchanges with others sabotage are most important Ambitions and confirm pre-existing negative beliefs about ourselves that don't serve us and aren't even true leading to unhealthy coping and poor resilience researchers Penn State University asked chronic worriors to write down their worries every day for 10 days then they made these poor participants review their list of worries for another month just to see if any of them had come true the result a whopping 91.4% of their fears never materialized so what does this tell us about selft talk selft talk at its worst can rob us of our best lives it can wreak havoc on our minds create a lower quality of life and take us away from actions that are actually going to help us move our situations forward if you've ever been prone to the unproductive effects of negative selft talk then I have great news for you just like we can update a computer's Opera system we can shape and refine our selft talk at any age and stage with just a few key shifts I'll teach you to make today how many thoughts do you think we have in a day call it out I want to hear your guesses somebody said three million that's pretty good you're not that far off so researchers have been very interested in this phenomenon and earlier stud have cited anywhere from 10,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day but more recently researchers at Queens University in Canada consider thoughts that we have about a specific topic or theme they called these thinking chains thought worms and it turns out that on average we have about 6,200 of these daily try taking an inventory of your thoughts by writing down your thinking a few times a day you might be surprised to find that most people report their negative thoughts outweighed their positive ones also their negative thoughts tended to Cascade into these thought worms essentially playing this negative playlist on an unending Loop day and day again so why does our brain do this and where does our selft talk come from selft talk stems from early experiences in our childhood primarily due to our attachment bonds attachment at its most basic level refers to those first emotional bonds we build with our primary caregivers our primary caregivers are people who were generally responsible for looking after us on a daily basis in a consistent and ongoing way without their support we simply cannot survive Maman babies are cute because we have to be no one would stick around if we weren't our baby cuteness involving large eyes round cheeks chubby cheeks all of this is to entice our caregivers to stay near us we need them to stay with us to to protect us so this is why we put up with the stinky diapers with all the crying with the no sleep this is why we need them or else we simply cannot survive from our very first days we start to build connections and through a series of experiences and memories with our attachment figures and our primary caregivers we develop ideas about ourself these first years are a important crucial period for brain development and knowledge acquisition and during this time through our attachment experiences we learn how to communicate our needs how those closest to us respond and whether we feel safe physically and emotionally often times when we're in the middle of these experiences we don't realize their impact but experiences that are repeated and reinforced over time create important emotional imprints that go into the foundation of our core beliefs what we believe about ourselves how we interact with others and how we tackle life's challenges and because of our brains favoring of shortcuts and rules we come to believe that the way that we coped with something in the past is the way that we should COPE in the future we generalize these rules so in other words our attachment experiences develop our underlying operating systems and serve as the basis for the selft talk that governs our lives and it turns out most of us identify with one of four attachment Styles if you're primary caregivers were generally available attentive showed up in helpful ways especially during stressful situations you likely developed secure attachment people with secure attachment tend to hold themselves in relatively High esteem they actualize towards their goals they can be independent and stay connected with their loved ones and they generally deserve good things in life in terms of their own self beliefs conversely if your parents were inconsistent inattentive showed up in unhelpful ways or seem stressed or overwhelmed when you communicated your needs you likely developed insecure attachment there are three forms of this and in general people with insecure attachment have difficulty self-actualizing in a consistent way they're a little bit more prone to self-sabotage they tend not to believe in their own self-worth and whether they deserve loving and symbiotic relationships in their life and a recent study by ugu shows that approximately 70% of people in the US identify with one of these three insecure attachment Styles your brain's operating system may work well most of the time but the bugs and glitches tend to come just like they do with computers when it is the most crucial urgent and necessary to work well when you're faced with a novel and challenging experience where you're already emotionally and cognitively taxed and even when our selft talk is clearly unhelpful unproductive causes a stress and pain it can still be hard to break free from these beliefs because it's so much of what we've come to know but here's an important fact secure attachment and its positive outcomes can be yours for the taking we can flip the script on your brain's operating system and it all starts with learning what processes it's running today in my clinical experience with patients and in my research I found that each of the four attachment Styles carries with it its own Proto prototypical selft talk people with anxious attachment tend to Crave reassurance and closeness with others sometimes at the expense of their own needs they're more prone to codependent and rescuing behaviors the selft talk of the anxiously attached typically contains one or more of these four self- statements I'm not as worthy as others I need to rescue everyone I fear being on my own I have to analyze everything people with avoidant attachment are the quintessential lone wolves they value extreme self-sufficiency they tend to be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and tend also not to emphasize the importance of relationships in their lives the selft talk of the avoidantly attached typically sounds something like this I'm only as good as my last achievement I must be in control at all times I keep others at arms length when the going gets tough I go It Alone people with disorganized attachment oftentimes find themselves in a Perpetual state of fight or flight they have difficulty regulating their emotions and sometimes unconsciously replicate the chaos they experience as children people with disorganized attachment typically have self- statements that sound something like this I deserve to suffer I hate you don't leave me I can't control control my emotions and my life is in constant chaos if any of what I said above resonates with you and if you've ever been prone to the damaging effects of these types of self- statements then what I'm about to share with you next will be the most important part what would I say today no matter what your past experiences have been how long you've been operating with your default system and how much disappointment you've experienced it's never too late to heal your insecure attachment wounds maybe you've been after that elusive promise of your best life chasing Comfort fulfillment and joy in a variety of places thinking to yourself if I just landed that dream job just got that perfect partner just stumbled into that ideal situation yet time and again that initial Rush Fades and you find that whatever Fix You sought was only a temporary solution and its positive effects simply didn't last and that's because you've been looking for healing and meaning in all the wrong places the truth is you only need one person with whom to form a secure attachment with to see all of your goals in life actualize and be what you always dreamed of and here's a secret it all starts with a secure attachment to yourself reparenting or the conscious Act of providing yourself with the care and understanding that you may have missed out on as children is all about becoming the nurturing inner parent you need but may not have had while you can't change the past and this is not about blaming your parents for what they did or didn't do you can choose to meet the needs of your inner child today that metaphorical little you whose hopes aspirations and dreams are still alive within all of us reparenting works because simply you have what it takes to meet the needs of your inner child this makes it the ideal situation for fostering a secure attachment relationship your adult self has much more agency self-directedness and resources than your child self who had to learn to cope within the confines of depending on those around them to provide that Safety and Security no one knows you better than you and you have the wisdom of your unique lived experience and this is why your inner parent is the most vital tool to creating healthier thoughts and behavior patterns you can start reparenting today through a series of small intentional acts that are designed to change your underlying programming this is because thoughts behaviors and feelings are all connected if you behave differently you'll think and feel differently through your behaviors will positively transform your selft talk and your rules for life so what does reparenting look like each time you establish healthy boundaries for your well-being that's reparenting each time you celebrate your accomplishments and the little small steps along the way that's reparenting each time you prioritize your needs without guilt that's reparenting each time you cultivate meaningful relationships and healthier connections with others that's reparenting each time you listen to your inner child and validate their emotions no matter what that's reparenting each each time you consciously engage in self-care that's reparenting each time you forgive yourself of past mistakes and exercise self-compassion that's reparenting each time you make decisions according to your top values no matter what anyone else thinks that's reparenting each time you remind yourself you are deserving of love and belonging that's reparenting each time you know in your heart that you are inherently worthy that's reparenting I hope our time today has inspired you and empowered you to make positive change in your life the gifts of secure attachment one that is based in a secure self-concept that allows you to tackle life's challenges with Vigor consistency and belongingness is yours for the taking and I can't wait to see what you'll do with this information now as we close I'd like us to practice one more activity to help to optimize your operating system let's adopt the self- statements of the securely attached by choosing one of these four statements as your AFF for today write it down Post in a place you can see look in the mirror say it to yourself and visualize yourself embodying these qualities I believe in and like myself I can handle what comes my way I can affect positive outcomes in my life I can be independent and rely on others too each of us has thousands of thought worms a day how will you use your selft talk to spark positivity and healing in your life thank you [Applause] [Music]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 26,804

Keywords: English, Mental health, Neuroscience, Personal growth, Psychology, Self improvement, Self-help, Social Sciences, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:54632]

Id: ibM6ANA5c4Q

Length: 19min 39sec (1179 seconds)

Published: Thu May 02 2024