Host Jimmy Kimmel's Opening Monologue

greetings from Hollywood to our viewers all around the world thank you for watching thank you for having me it is a great honor to be invited back for a second time it's a great honor to be here among so many talented women and men congratulations to all of you you made it we're at the Oscars some of you will be going home tonight with an Academy Award what could be better than that nothing right so if you want to mention this year when you hear your name called don't get up right away we don't want another thing what happened last year was unfortunate I've not told this story in public because I wanted to save it for tonight but here's what happened this is true last year about a week before the show the producers asked me if I wanted to do some comedy with the accountants and I said no I don't want to do comedy with the accountants so then the accountants went ahead and did comedy on their own and I have to hand it to them it was hilarious but it won't happen again this year the chairman of PricewaterhouseCoopers said and I quote our singular focus will be on the show and delivering the correct envelopes which is does make sense just out of curiosity though what was your focus the other 89 years I'm hopeful the things will go smoothly tonight we can't ruin this one this is a special year this is a big one these are the 90th Academy Awards this is history happening right here Oscar is 90 years old tonight which means he's probably at home right now watching Fox News of course no Oscar is here with us after all the years after all the awards given for achievements in show business Oscar is still number one no question about it Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood and there's a very good reason why just look at him keeps his hands where you can see them never says a rude word and most importantly no penis at all he is literally a statue of limitations and that's the kind of men we need more of in this town here's how clueless Hollywood is about women we made a movie called what women want and it starred Mel Gibson Chyna all you need to know the Academy as you're no doubt aware took action last year to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks there were a lot of great nominees but Harvey deserved it the most and oh that's nice that's very sweet so I'm sure he'll appreciate that applause the Academy kicked them out and after they did I was curious so I looked it up you know the only other person to be expelled from the Academy ever was a character actor named carmine Caretti in 2004 he was kicked out for sharing screeners carmine kerydin got the same punishment as Harvey Weinstein for giving his neighbor a copy of Seabiscuit on VHS but what happened with Harvey and what's happening all over was long overdue we can't let bad behavior slide anymore the world is watching us we need to set an example and the truth is if we are successful here if we can work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace if we can do that women will only have to deal with harassment all the time at every other place they go over the course of this evening I hope you will listen to many brave and outspoken supporters of movements like me too and time's up and never again because what they're doing is important things are changing for the better they're making sure of that it is positive change this is a night for positivity and our plan is to shine a light on a group of outstanding and inspiring films each and every one of which got crushed by Black Panther this weekend [Applause] the success of black panther is one of many positive stories this year especially for African Americans and Bob Iger Black Panther and Wonder Woman are massive hits which is almost miraculous because I remember a time when the major studios didn't believe a woman or a minority could open a superhero movie and the reason I remember that time is because it was March of last year but this year we have a lot to celebrate ceilings have been shattered ceilings and screenwriting we have our first ever female nominee for cinematography so many of tonight's nominees are making history and in fact if you are a nominee tonight who isn't making history shame on you Greta Gerwig is the first woman to be nominated for adult and that's important only 11% of movies are directed by women that is nuts we still have a very long way to go in that department and a very long way to go when it comes to equal pay especially when you look at what happened with Mark Wahlberg and Michele Williams we all know the story Mark Wahlberg was paid a million and a half dollars to reshoot his scenes while Michelle Williams for her reshoots got per diem she was paid $80 a day for the same thing and what made it especially unfair is that Mark and Michelle are represented by the same agency and I've been mitt this story really surprised me this one shook me because if we can't trust agents who can we trust to his credit Mark Wahlberg announced he would be donating all 1.5 million dollars to The Times up Legal Defense Fund so I guess now the balls in your court Michelle what are you going to do with that 80 bucks in the meantime triple congratulations are in order for the kid from Comedy Central Jordan Peele who [Applause] Jordan the first person in 90 years to be nominated for directing riding and best pitcher for his debut film what did they do it was none other than President Trump called get out the best first three-quarters of a movie this year margot robbie had a great you know to margot scored her first nomination for her portrayal of Tonya Harding in hi Tonya whose kneecaps did Tonya Harding have to break to get this dream casting because I mean that was if they made a movie about my life best-case scenario I'd be played by Jim Belushi another exceptionally gifted young actor who is nominated for the first time is Timothy Shalom a are you having fun Timothy this is a big Timothy is missing paw patrol to be here tonight don't worry rider and his team of pups saved the day so Timothy is the star of a small but powerful story called call me by your name which did not make a lot of money fact of the nine Best Picture nominees only two of them made more than a hundred million dollars but that's not the point we don't make films like call me by your name for money we make them to upset mike pence [Applause] eighty years and on the other end of the abacus we have our oldest acting nominee ever the Magnificent Christopher Plummer this maybe this is not the place in something I want to be asking how does lin-manuel Miranda compared to the real Alexander Hamilton and once again right here in the front row maybe the greatest actor of all time Meryl Streep is here with us film career started in 1977 the long that she ever went without being nominated was from 1992 to 1995 was and that's only because those were the years she was in prison and that I think is amazing the most nominated movie tonight a film that's up for 13 Oscars is the shape of water written and directed congratulations I'm very happy for Emma you made a beautiful movie and thanks sagir mo we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly women started dating fish okay before we start handing out the awards some history because we're going to do things a little bit differently the first Oscar ceremony lasted and this is true 15 minutes from beginning to end and people still complain but so if you do win an Oscar tonight we want you to give a speech we want you to say whatever you feel needs to be said speak from the heart we want passion we won't you have an opportunity in a platform to remind millions of people about important things like equal rights and equal treatment if you want to encourage others to join the amazing students at parkland at their March on the 24th through that [Applause] favorite feature do that or maybe you just want to thank your parents and tell your kids to go to sleep what you say is entirely up to you you don't have to change the world do whatever you want but with that said this is a really long show so here's what we're gonna do not saying you shouldn't give a long speech but whoever gives the shortest speech tonight will go home with Johnny tell them what they'll win the number one choice for watercraft enthusiasts retail price 17 $9.99 back to you Jimmy Thank You Helen thank you to Helen Mirren not included so there you go why waste precious time thanking your mom when you could be taking her for the ride of her life on a brand-new jetski this is not a joke I will be timing you I have a stopwatch the moment you are handed that Oscar the clock will start ticking so get up here grab it and go and in the unlikely event of a tie I need to say the jet ski will be awarded to Christopher Plummer so

Channel: Oscars

Views: 2,506,185

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Id: 7EGQrvH-6Bk

Length: 10min 53sec (653 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 17 2018