AVGN: There, you want a Christmas episode? There! Now it's a Christmas episode! So, I think I've run out of shitty winter holiday games, so, y'know what? I'm gonna give a present to myself... and just... not play any shitty games! [muffled] "Ding dong!" Hang on a minute... What's this? A lovely cheese pizza, just for you. You... ...got the wrong house, I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it, anyway! Ooh... not funny! PIZZA BOY: Think of it as a gift! You owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome... No, they're not! Besides, I already reviewed both NES games, that first one where you're layin' traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're runnin' through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fightin' mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes! I'm already done with that! So get this shit outta here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review! That's just the NES versions! Maybe the rest of them are better. I mean... look at how many of them there are; I mean, they can't all be bad... Can they? I admit, I haven't played the rest. Have you? No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in 'em! I mean, how could ya go wrong? [clicks tongue] Well... maybe, if they're not as bad as the NES games. Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean... c'mon... Okay, fine! But you're not goin' anywhere! AVGN: You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me! - Okay! Okay, so we're gonna take care of some unfinished business here, playin' the rest of the Home Alone games, with special guest: the Pizza Boy. Yep, that's me. I'm the Pizza Boy. Pizza Boy. That's me. AVGN: Home Alone was a phenomenon in the 90s, Kevin McCallister was a badass tactician, and every kid back then wanted to be just like him, fighting off the Wet Bandits and saving his house from getting looted. Yep. Yep, me too. I wanted to be just like him. He was really handsome. So of course, with the movie being such a big deal, there was bound to be tons of video game tie-ins, and I mean like, TONS, on every console imaginable. There's Home Alone games on NES, Super Nintendo, Game Boy, Sega Genesis, Game Gear, and even the PC and Amiga computers. Don't forget the European exclusive on the PS2! No! AVGN: The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a WHILE after the movie. PIZZA BOY: Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
AVGN: It is! AVGN: But this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time! Besides, the style is completely different. It doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin... I don't even know why we're even talkin' 'bout it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist. Agreed. Home Alone 2 on Game Boy is just Home Alone 2 on NES, and Home Alone 1 on the NES... is just ass! I've talked about it before, but the most ridiculous thing about the game is that to win, you have to run around the house for 20 minutes! Seriously! Who the fuck would sit and play this shit for 20 minutes?! You'd have to have some serious problems. What're you tryna say, man? Well, who am I to judge? I'm sittin' here playing games with a fuckin' pizza boy. Wow, not cool. You know, I wonder what Macaulay Culkin's doing right now, if he's ever played these games. I wonder if he'd approve. Nah, I don't-- I don't think he would. Uh, you say that like... you-- have you met him before? Yeah, you could-- you could say so. Oh my gosh... - Y-- you were in the Home Alone movies, right?
- Yep. - Y-- You were in 'em.
- Yep. You were... the Pizza Boy in Home Alone! Yeah, yeah, I'm just... I'm still a pizza boy, I'm just a... - Wow, that's...
- Very method. AVGN: That's amazing!
PIZZA BOY: Still pizza. AVGN: Anyway, let's move on with the games. Let's do the Super Nintendo version now. Yeah, let's do that. PIZZA BOY: You know what, Nerd? I can feel it. This one's gonna be good. I feel it in my... Pizza Boy bones. AVGN: The object is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount; when your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute, which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or wherever the hell this is. PIZZA BOY: Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings and then throwing them down a laundry chute? I mean, but what do I know? AVGN: The items are found in the most random places, like in a... toilet?! Look, I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet! Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet... Augh... yeah, not even a pizza. AVGN: I'm sure of it.
PIZZA BOY: Yeah... yeah... yeah. I mean, maybe I would've, you know, back in my... heady days. - You would've grabbed something out of a toilet. Pizza?
- Yeah, I me-- You've ever had toilet pizza? - Yeah, pizza shit.
- Yeah, uh-huh. I knew I liked you. [both chuckle] AVGN: What is wrong with the McCallisters?! They have pizza hidden all over the house, they have things hidden in bookshelves, picture frames, boxes, the bathtub... Have you ever found anything in a bathtub before? I found myself once. AVGN: Hmm.
PIZZA BOY: Mm-hmm. AVGN: Also, who are these criminals? That looks nothing like Joe Pesci! Do you think that looks like Joe Pesci? PIZZA BOY: Mm.. nah, not really. I mean, I haven't seen him in a while, though. AVGN: I mean, yeah, they have Marv and Harry in there, but who are all these generic cartoon mobsters? There's guys who pelt you with balls, and Oddjob from James Bond...? PIZZA BOY: Y'know, it's totally unfair when you pick Oddjobs, anyway. AVGN: I mean, they could at least have the gangster from "Angels with Filthy Souls" on there! Yeah... "Keep the change!" I'd love to see more of that movie. AVGN: I want to see the rest.
PIZZA BOY: Yeah! AVGN: Your main weapon is a water gun that does diddly dick. Seriously, it feels like every weapon is completely ineffective. And every time you die, you get Kevin screaming in your face! [Kevin screams] And get used to it, because you're gonna see it a lot. [Kevin screams] Agh! I swear to God, next time I see Macaulay Culkin's face, I'm gonna ram my fuckin' fist right through it! I should also mention that the Game Boy version, is pretty much the same thing, just with shittier graphics. It's kinda like switching from getting kicked in the balls with steel-toed boots, to soccer cleats. Both fuckin' suck, but one sucks worse. So, in Level 2, the items that you're collecting and hiding are toys. Yeah, that's right, Marv wants to steal his toys. A throwaway line from the movie became an entire level! At the end of each stage, you have to go down the basement and fight a bunch of bats and rats. PIZZA BOY: That didn't happen in the movie! I would know! I was- I was there! AVGN: Then you always fight a boss, including a giant spider... and a ghost! When have I- I mean, when has Kevin had to deal with all this kind of shit? AVGN: Oh, the best is when you're collecting all the family pets that, according to your dad, are 'RARE.' PIZZA BOY: Do they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around all the time! Mr. Frog House! I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault. Are you fuckin' kidding me? What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... ...you see your face on a cartridge and go like, "I wanna play with myself, all day long!" Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no! No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! What am I gonna do?! Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! - [gasps]
- You're- Ma-ma-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! [Nerd screams like Kevin] Really? Really... Never seen that before. It's- it's new. MAC: Can we just get back to the fuckin' games?
AVGN: Right. Next up, "Home Alone 2" on Super Nintendo. Alright, th- I'm sure they've learned from their mistakes. AVGN: Myeah...
MAC: They're gonna get it all together AVGN: Mm-hmm.
MAC: And it's gonna be this- It's gonna be our time. AVGN: Yeah.
MAC: Our time, down here! Down here, it's our time! Yeah, this one should be better. In fact, why don't you play this one? Because after all, they're your games! MAC: So this is the sequel where I'm Home Alone... "In New York..." Huh~? This looks very familiar. It's... like they just copied Home Alone 2 on NES! Because that one was SO good! MAC: Killer vacuum cleaners, floating mops. Violent suitcases and angry old ladies with umbrellas! AVGN: It's all back... just like the NES version! MAC: Why is the entire hotel tryin' to kill me? I mean- They've a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much, that they have to lob lobby bombs at them?! And yes, that was pretty hard to say! AVGN: So in the movie, they're goin' after him because he stole a credit card, but in the game, they don't explain it's stolen, they're just going after a kid because he simply "USED" a credit card. Gee... MAC: [through Talkboy] Credit card? You got it! AVGN: And did you ever remember using a boxing... glove... gun in the movie? MAC: That's your concern?! AVGN: Was this part so important they had to repeat it in this game? Like, what's with the stripping chef? Why is the man upside down with his pants around his ankles? AVGN: Weird, man... Why? It's weird, man! Hold me! AVGN: So, Level 2: you're in Central Park where every criminal on the planet is after you! MAC: BATS?! Now there's bats?! Bats again! You know there's too many bats, when all the Home Alone games have bats! This game didn't jump the shark! It jumped the bats! Was there one bat in the movie? I mean, c-c... honestly, d-d... was there just one? Anywhere? Are you familiar with my work? I thought I was... Now I'm not so sure. Me too... Hold me again! MAC: Okay, with all seriousness. Explain to me: Knee-sliding into a rat. Who does that? AVGN: That's one hell of a way to take out a rat! Have you ever, like, called up Terminix or somethin', and they come over and they start knee-sliding through all the fuckin' rats? MAC: And why are the rats bloody?! Do they have the plague?! AVGN: Oh, and there's the pigeon lady. Just the friendly old pigeon lady... tryin' to kill you! She was your friend in the movie! I mean, yeah, okay; Kevin was scared of her at first, but, in the game they just make her full villain! MAC: Looks like I'm getting rid of my Turtledove... AVGN: Well, I guess they were running out of ideas for stage bosses. MAC: I don't think they had any ideas to begin with! I mean, did you SEE the stripping chef? 'Cuz that's seared into my mind! AVGN: The next stage you're running around this confusing warehouse, setting traps for Marv and Harry, which at least follows the movie. MAC: Aha! But then you go back outside, again, to fight more bats! And floating trash can lids! I mean, what, does this take place in the Ghostbusters universe or something? AVGN: But we've now arrived at the cream of the crop. You climb a giant tree with a freaky evil face. Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... it was terrible. I don't know how the game developers found that out... Demonic evil tree? Th-they exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what... - It was a long time ago.
- I know, I know. It's... Don't touch me!!! Back to the tree. AVGN: So you take out Marv and Harry on top of the tree, the pigeon lady comes to help, you're reunited with your mom, the bandits are locked up, and that's Home Alone 2 in a nutshell! Just like the movie. Both Super Nintendo games suck. I thought at least one of them would be good! They besmirched my good name. I-I don't think I'll ever live this down... [sobbing] The holding is back on... Okay. Don't worry, Mac. We'll find one that's good. I promise. 'Cuz next up... Home Alone on Sega Genesis. Oh God... AVGN: The game has you goin' around the neighborhood as Kevin on a rocket sled or somethin'. You go to different houses and lay traps for the Wet Bandits. Yeah, torch 'em! MMMMMM! MAC: The traps thing, that's-- that's from the movie! AVGN: Also, you can find items to create weapons, kinda like a crafting system. Pretty ambitious for a Sega game! There's five different houses to protect. There's this old house with breaking floors... MAC: Holy shit! Kevin just fell through two floors of that house and he's totally fine! Alright, he's pretty badass. AVGN: Some of the houses have their own hazards. In the mansion, there's a crazy spider that attacks anyone who gets near it. MAC: Hey, it's Buzz's tarantula! BOTH: Just like the movie! AVGN: So, there's this house with this asshole cat that claws the fuck outta Kevin, a futuristic house with robots, and a haunted house with a ghost. They'll attack Kevin if he gets near, but they'll also fuck up the Wet Bandits, too. So pretty much all you have to do, is fuck up the Wet Bandits enough before they loot the whole house. You do this by filling up the pain meter by getting them to step on traps or shooting them. Save all the houses, and the police will come and take them away. And that's the Genesis version. Eh. My conclusion with this one is that... ...uh... is a little cartoony, takes some liberties here and there, but overall... it's not too bad! AVGN: So you see, Mac? There's hope.
MAC: You really think so? I think so, because there's a second one on Genesis, and this one, I bet they learn from their mistakes; I bet this one's gonna be even better! So, this is it! We're just one little step away! AVGN: Get ready!
MAC: Crank up that puppy! AVGN: Get ready for a GOOD Home Alone game! Yeah! AVGN: Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this? MAC: I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister! He gives them a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome! Look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... ...and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. (mumbling) They're makin' me a fuggin' asshole! AVGN: At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin just looks at you like, "What the fuck?" MAC: What THE fuck. AVGN: In Level 2, you're navigating through the cargo docks or whatever, where they move the baggages. I NEVER, would have imagined airports have a maze of conveyor belts, moving platforms, pipes and pistons. If you step on certain spots, you get teleported to another area. Everywhere I try to go, I get sent back and I have to do half the level all over again! AVGN: Fuck! MAC: Fuck! AVGN: Agh, you give this a try. Fuck. Fuuuck. Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck! [sobbing] What are they doing to meee?! [deep breath] Fuuuuuuuuck. It's the worst one of all! Wow, people ask me why I'm so angry. It's because these games ruined my childhood! YOUR childhood?! I mean, it's bad enough that you have one bad game based on you, but what about TEN? [stammering] Is-- is this how you live? I mean, it's every boy's dream. To be in a video game! And then it turns into a fuckin' nightmare! A child nightmare! Alright, just let it all out. Let it out! Go for the Nerd rant! This game is like... ...poop! From a... ...a Buffalo butt! Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it! Okay! I got it...! I'd rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, Harry in my ass! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits! Augh, dude, ugh! No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes. AVGN: Naw, I-- no I don't...
Mac: No... And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls"! - Nice.
- Well Mac, sorry your games suck, but I know something we can do to make us feel better. Yes! So, uh, you wanna play Good Son on Jaguar CD? - Fuck yeah!
- Let's do this! All right, that sounds good, okay!
[laughter]
