♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪ ♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass! ♪ ♪ He'd rather have ♪ ♪ a buffalo ♪ ♪ take a diarrhea dump in his ear! ♪ ♪ He'd rather eat ♪ ♪ the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk, ♪ ♪ and down it with beer! ♪ ♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard! ♪ ♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd! ♪ ♪ He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd! ♪ ♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd! ♪ This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003, with a PC game called "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing." I usually stick to consoles, and I don't usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request! I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not "THE WORST" game ever made. But I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic, mediocre racing game with trucks, and it's from the new millennium. Well after the pioneering days of gaming. After the "E.T.'s" and "Jekyll and Hyde's," after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out... Alright, let me grab the mouse here. Okay, pick the truck. Yeah, that's fine. Pick the course. Alright. Loading... And the race begins! [engine revving] [revving intensifies] So... what are the complaints here? This is awesome! Oh, look at this! Look-look-look-look at me! Look at me! Go-go-go-go! Ho ho! Yeah! Your truck passes through everything! I haven't found one thing that stops you! Not even the hills slow you down! This is one hell of a truck! It's invincible! Ha! How could you not love a game where there's no rules? I'm not even trying to play the race. I'm just trying to find as many things to drive through as possible. You're a ghost trucker. Are you Large Marge? The only thing I can sort of hit is a downed helicopter. Up we go again. "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing." "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway! And the highway ain't got shit! Oh my god! My god... Look at this! You can go almost at a 90-degree slope. In fact, the slopes seem to make you go even faster! Yes, the truck is giving gravity the middle finger, and actually accelerating up the hill! Nothing inhibits your control. You can slow down to a dead stop, and then go backwards as you please. The truck just hangs out wherever it wants! It clings to the mountains like Spider-Man! No... That didn't happen! Oh, there it is! [chuckles] I need to see that again. Oh my god! What happens if I turn? I'm under the bridge. And the bridge is levitating. And the ground is going apeshit. And I just realized there's no water! As if the river dried up. Is this glitchy stuff supposed to be the water? It's as if the water is trying to exist, but can't. I'm not trying to find glitches. It just so happens, the WHOLE game is a glitch. Look at this picture here! The hill turned into nothing, the taillights are flying off the truck, and the bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are SO close to touching the ground, but don't. The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move?! Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. Here we go. Eh, eeeh... Yeah! That's some fine work. "Shhhhhooooo!" Alright, let's go in reverse. [engine revving continuously] Um, ladies and gentlemen... the truck has left the game. The game is so fucking bad they programmed a way to escape it! And it's not a secret trick or anything like that. All you have to do is keep driving in one direction, and soon enough, you're in limbo. But wait, w-w-w-wait. Let me comprehend one thing at a time here. Alright? First of all, why does the truck go faster in reverse than it does going forward? It seems like it accelerates infinitely. How many times have I rolled the speedometer over? I must be going a thousand miles per hour right now! In reverse! IN A BIG-ASS TRUCK!!! I'm so far away, I can't even find my way back to the game! I've never been this far outside the boundaries of a video game. How did they let you do that? Even in the shittest games I've ever played... even they stop you when you reach the grey wall of nothing. Even LJN games don't do this shit! This is the most unstable game I have ever played in my life. And would you believe that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game? Yeah! The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even LESS functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss; it looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. [Slight chuckle] [Trying not to laugh] Oh... No... No... [Breaks into laughter] [Heavy breath] [Laughter] [Inhaling] [Joyful laughter of humiliation] [Inhaling] Augh... No... [chuckle] No! [breaks into laughter] [chuckle] "You're Winner!" is the kinda stuff that turns horrible games into legends, it's the cherry on top of the diarrhea shake. It's been already a popular Internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own it's been corrected - to "You Win!". Disappointing, I know. But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one, version... 3, as far as my knowledge goes. But anyway, this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out. The other truck moves. Wow. No shit. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win, just so we can see what happens. I hope it says "You're a Lose" or something like that. Here we go. What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words, you can't lose. Why'd they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing? But hey, the truck moves. So, maybe this enhancement pushes the game into the... ...pre-alpha stage? At best. These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws that would already be enough to fill any shitty game. Most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the taillights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like somebody made them in Photoshop with the basic brush tool. Want me to prove it? There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain lightposts are given strange colors that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, trucks are referred to as "cars", the Ultranav points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order- Man, what the fuck is Ultranav anyway? The timer goes outside the box, and on top of all that, the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable but the back says: "...you'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law..." "...deliver your load to its destination..." What are they talking about? That never happens- Oh no no, I stand corrected. This game delivers a load alright. Load of fucking shit! I'll deliver a load! All over this fucking game! It's not even a game, it doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're Winner!" It's like the game feels sorry for you! This is not even close to a finished game. If you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made, and I've played a lot - what is this, episode 118? So, that is a big statement, but I'm Dead. Fucking. Serious. It isn't as frustrating as "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", no no, it's not as bad an experience as that. But in terms of functionality, this is an all-time low. You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean - who looked at THIS, and thought: "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out"? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one! What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing? And did any single one of them look at this and think: "Maybe there's still some work left to do"? By the year 2003, wouldn't there been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70s had some playability. I would've assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game, some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. I-it couldn't have been sold in stores! But apparently it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Somebody from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating. I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at it, and thought: "Wow! This is shit! ...but, [E]." Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it, and you get this! It's like a cruel prank! They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sorta thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck! I wonder what it would've been like. Hm... [hard rock tune]
"Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action-packed racing!" ("It's Big Rigs.") "18 wheels of thunder! And we got trucks! Yeah, trucks." ("Big Riiigs.") "Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!" ("Big Rigs!") "Over the Road Racing! Above the road, under the road - who knows?" ("Big Riiigs!") "Never lose a race again! You're always winner!" ("With Big Riiiigs!") "Engines equipped with quantum-phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects, so as not to interrupt the racing experience!" Nothing stands in your way - (when you're Big Riiiigs!") "Rear-spinning tires with warp drive velocity for inter-dimensional exploring!" "Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!" ("Biiig mothafffuckin' Riiiiiiigs!") "Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!" ("BIIIIIIIG MOOOOTHA FUCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!") ("Big Rigs.") Well, there's one last thing to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. Oh, the truck's fuckin' the ground! That noise... That noise, how high can it go?! Light speed... ...ludicrous speed... We've gone to plaid! AAAAAAAAAARGHH! I can't take it anymore! We've gotta stop! Whooooa- urgh! Ow! ...oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
