Man, in the 80's and 90's, there was nothing bigger than pro wrestling. It was as close as you can get to watching real-life superheroes fight it out for our entertainment. I know it's fake or choreographed or whatever... ...But how do you fake landing on somebody with 300 pounds of man-ass? They were just flying through the air and just smashed each other with steel chairs and all that shit. It was like watching an action movie happen live on TV. And of course anything that's popular gets made into video games, and you're probably wondering "Are these games complete shit?" Yeah, a lot of them are, but it's the kind of shit you couldn't even imagine... ...Like, I'm talkin' day after binging on buffalo wings and beer shit... The kind of shit that never wipes. Never wipes. Ever. First up, Tag Team Wrestling on NES. This game came out the same year as Pro Wrestling, which is a decent game so it gets spared. Anyway, Tag Team Wrestling starts right up, with no character selection or anything. You play as some long-haired guy with the stubbiest punch possible. The A button punches, but the B button does absolutely dick as far as I can tell. You run around mashing the A button hoping your deformed stump hits the other guy... ...And then you both run into the ropes, and hope for the best. I seriously have no idea what the hell I'm doing in this. Whenever the bad guys put me in a hold or try to slam me... ...A guy who I'm guessing is my tag partner comes out of the corner and does absolutely nothing. I don't know if he's automatic or what, but no matter how much I beat on these guys... ...They always seem to kick my ass and pin me. "Winner is Strong Bads". At first it sounds like a hilarious typo, but actually Strong Bads is the name of one of the teams in the game... ...But what I think it really means is that this game is strongly bad! Next up, we got the real deal... ...WWF WrestleMania, the first licensed WWF game for the NES. Turn it on and you get a nice view of the Acclaim logo and someone's drunk sunburned grandpa tearing off his shirt while screaming. I know it's Hulk Hogan, but come on, is this the best they can make the Hulkster look? He looks ridiculous! Bigger, better, badder. Well, which is it? I'll give you one fucking guess. From the start, there's two modes, Standard and Tournament. Standard is single one-on-one matches... ...while Tournament mode is like your basic arcade ladder mode. Choose a wrestler, choose an opponent, and then run around the ring like an asshole for a few minutes swinging at nothing. When health gets low, the game starts throwing power-ups... ...But you're only able to collect the power-up specific to your wrestler. Million Dollar Man has dollar signs, Andre the Giant has what looks like big ass hams... ...And Hulk Hogan gets... crosses? Who the fuck does he think he is, Simon Belmont? I guess it's because Hulk always said to say your prayers and eat your vitamins... ...But it's still kind of weird. Maybe Nintendo and WWF thought it'd be kind of weird if kids saw... ...Wrestlers taking pills in the game? They thought maybe steroids or something? I don't know but... ...The thing that pisses me off is that I can't figure out how to pin anybody. I hit every goddamn button possible and there's only two of em. Million Dollar Man's just lying there with his gut in the air, and all Hulk does is dance around like a jackass. Eventually I pin the guy, but fuck if I know how. I guess I just happen to hit the magic combination of buttons. Ugh, I'm sorry. I can't play this one anymore. I know it's supposed to be a classic. But back then we didn't know any better. We didn't have any other options. Oh, but that's not the end of it because there's a lot more WWF wrestling games on the NES, and... Oh my god, I wonder who published them. WrestleMania was bad. But I gotta say, LJN really turns up the diarrhea dial on the WWF suckery. Wrestlemania Challenge plays at an isometric view... ...which does not translate well to the NES controller. If you were running around like an idiot in the original WrestleMania, get ready. Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket... ...while Andre the Giant farts directly into your nostrils. Steel Cage Challenge, well, it has a steel cage mode, if you like glimpsing the wrestlers through the cage. Get the cage out of the way, I can't see anything. And in King of the Ring, you can literally hit one button over and over and beat the guy. Just kick him to the ground and repeatedly stomp his dick, then pin him for the slowest three-count in history. How long am I gonna be cursed to walk this earth, and play LJN games? When are they gonna run out? You know how I feel about these wastes of plastic and circuitry, but guess what? They made WWF games for the Super Nintendo too. Super WrestleMania, LJN. Royal Rumble, LJN. Raw, LJN. It doesn't matter if it's 8-bit or 16-bit. I still have no idea what I'm doing. I hit every button and mash them as fast as I can, but the computer always ends up beating me. Sound is shit, the graphics are boring as fuck. The only real difference between these shit-fests is the roster. These games were all about the grappling... ...So you hold onto them and tap the buttons like crazy, till you throw them into some special move. That's what these were all about. They're exactly what you'd expect from LJN... ...and Vince McMahon should be ashamed of himself for whoring out his product to such inept game designers. Oh, these games are an insult to wrestlers... ...They're an insult to wrestling fans, and they're an insult to gamers in general. However, thankfully, there is a WWF game on the Super Nintendo that's not made by LJN... ...WrestleMania: The Arcade Game, by Midway / Acclaim. This game definitely has a different feel than the others. As a matter of fact, it's kind of fun. It goes with the digitized graphics that Midway games were famous for back then. Sure, it's got its problems, but the control's pretty fluid and doesn't take itself too seriously. It plays pretty close to Mortal Kombat, with strong and weak punch and all that... ...But there's even crazy special attacks like the Undertaker shooting out ghosts and slamming you with gravestones. This feels like... a game. It's still fairly difficult... ...Especially when you play for the World Wrestling Federation championship. In that mode you fight two guys at a time, and it's cheap. The computer just gangs up and beats the fuck out of you until you're dead. This mode sucks, but not worse than other games I've played. If you want something more like a regular game, stick to the Intercontinental Championship. That's fun to say three times fast. The game is over-the-top, and feels like a cross between Mortal Kombat and NBA Jam. Also, it has Vince McMahon himself doing the commentary. There is one problem with the game, that it has a weak roster... ...with only six different characters, and none that I really care for that much except for the Undertaker. I mean, there's Bret Hart too, but come on, who wants to play as Lex Luger or Doink? Surprisingly, the Genesis version has more characters adding Bam Bam Bigelow and Yokozuna... ...but the graphics and sounds aren't as good as the Super Nintendo version. But if you have to pick up a WWF game, I'd recommend this one on either system. it even came out on 32X, if you're into that heap of shit. Wow, it's nice to play something decent for once. But now I'm gonna fuck that up, kind of like putting on a new pair of underwear and then taking a shit in it right away. This is Super Brawl. It's WCW... ...so it's a little change of pace, maybe a little different. Also, it's not LJN, so maybe it won't be that bad? Well, the sound is pretty good, clear voice sample, nice colorful logo, we're off to an alright start. ...the fuck? Ok, I get it. He's wearing shorts that are the same color as his skin for some reason... ...like, he's wearing yellow shorts, but they made all his skin yellow, which makes no sense, but it looks like he's fucking naked. It's totally like he's naked, look. He looks like a naked dickless mannequin man with invisible knees. Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names. Who are these people? They just shout random slogans at me, and move at about 2 frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course, it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full second delay. And seriously, why does everyone walk around like their shit caked up their ass? Ugh, fuck this piece of shit. I'm done. Let me tell you something, brother, this game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be. Whoo, it's a limousine fucking, jet plane sucking, diarrhea drinking, asshole stinking hell on earth in a cartridge... ...and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it... ...and that's the bottom line, because the fucking nerd said so. Okay. All right, well, this one's on the right track. The controls are simple. Y attacks, B jumps, and A pins. It's got balls-to-the-wall, bone-crunching, high-flying action... ...all the stuff you'd want in a wrestling game, and it's made by the king of fighting games, Capcom. Not to mention, it features Mayor Mike Haggar from Final Fight as a playable character. I need a lot of practice with this game, but it looks and sounds great, with that distinct Capcom feel. Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom... ...instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys too, and those fucking sucked also. Ugh, what are they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laugh and Joke and Numbnuts... ...then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts.
