Welcome to reckless disagreement, the only show on the internet that you can trust. I'm your host, a paranoid recluse, and here's a clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark. When I saw that scene as a kid, I just assumed that that's how grown-ups got drunk after they made me go to bed But when I grew up and started drinking on my own I realized that if you tried to play a drinking game like that You would ***ing die. My meticulous research tells me that it takes 30 minutes to feel the effects of alcohol So if you're taking shots up until the second that you collapse on the floor you're going to keep getting more drunk so this sweaty fat man isn't just passing out, he's falling into a coma. Marion Ravenwood just killed that guy And then she killed that guy. This made me realize no one who makes movies has ever been drunk... Somehow. So I decided that I would get drunk and explain to them all the mistakes they're making. All right let's see...uuuhhh... That's not right. They're supposed to be oh, there's a title, aw It's gorgeous and I love it. Raiders isn't the only movie that thinks this is how drinking games work, in The Two Towers Legolas and Gimli engaged in a drinking game with only three rules - No pauses No Spills and No regurgitation So it's a drinking game? No, that's just drinking - game implies like ping pong balls or underwear. Right? This is the only drinking game anyone in the movies ever plays, it even happens in Thor. We drank, we fought, he made his ancestors proud. I admit I'm not a viking, but how does drinking so much that your buddy has to carry you home make Anybody proud of you? This game only makes sense if your perspective on drinking is limited to seeing people leave for and return from the bar And you're just trying to guess what went on in between to turn your friends into pukey bags of shame. Well, you guessed wrong, movies, you guessed real ***ing wrong, and you should be ashamed. In movies, bars the place you go when you're just itching for an excuse to explode into a whirlwind of gritty fisticuffs. There are so many examples that I'm just gonna stick to movies I love like The Guest and Dirty Work and Deadpool And I'd be kind of an idiot if I didn't at least mention Roadhouse. Okay, now show me another clip from Dirty Work. Rolling Stones Street Fighting Man G 7 You just hit G8. 'If you like Pina Coladas...' Now don't get wrong, bar fights happen and they're always hilarious but your average dive bar isn't the time bomb of homophobia waiting to be set off by a guy with dreamy eyes ordering a blowjob shot. I'd love a blow job shot. Now every bar fight I've ever seen was just a couple of drunk dudes grappling with each other and spilling my drink until the bouncer kicked them out, and you know what, to all the people writing comments about how badass the bar fights you've been in are, who are you trying to impress me? Is it me - oh I'm flattered. Keep, er, keep, Yeah, keep doing that. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me Kegs and legs open and on the house! Okay everybody, drinks on the house! I am completely sure that nothing like that has ever happened in all of history I've worked in a bar and I don't even know how like you do that as a bartender Domestic, nothing imported Wait as a guy who offered to buy the round not paying for the beer - what? I might be wrong about this, I mean when I worked in a bar, I was 17 and the bartender used to give me a six-pack when I did a good job That place got shut down The two facts might be related, but they also make me question this scene from Skyfall How does this happen? Did Bond walk in there with a scorpion and say 'hey everyone watch this' or does the bartender have it waiting there? What if anybody who isn't James Bond orders this cocktail like say a drunk me and gets stung and dies? Is a reputation for being the bar with the scorpions worth the hassle of disposing of dead bodies and the effort it takes to feed and maintain a terrarium of deadly arachnids. No it's ***ing not, next entry. Movies think beer makes you hallucinate. Not to brag but I've been really drunk before, I've got on journeys of inebriated self-discovery, and I've peed on cop cars But I've never been so drunk that I hallucinated something that wasn't there because alcohol's effect is the opposite of that. I'm pretty sure this joke comes from the scene in Pinocchio when Pinocchio sees all his friends turning into donkeys And he slowly pushes away his glass of beer because he just figured out that that'll turn him into a donkey, too but everyone in Hollywood assumed that Pinocchio thought the beer was making him hallucinate, Because they've never been drunk before! So let me be clear Hollywood if you want to see things that aren't there? You're going to have to do what the rest of us do and go make friends with someone with a snake tattoo But if movie booze isn't helping you trip out it's giving you special powers. In The Big Bang Theory which none of you watch but all of you know about, a character named Raj can only talk to women when he's drunk And he can talk to them fine like a normie Well, they ran a simulation That's not wacky joke about shyness, that's a serious drinking problem, kinda like what Tom Cruise has in The Last Samurai until the samurai just like take his booze away for a couple days, and he wakes up cured not just of his addiction but also of PTSD. I rest my case. All right, while the lights were out there someone just informed me that lots of people drink and My thesis is ridiculous. Fine. Thanks Could've mentioned that earlier, but uh Even so let's take stock of how Hollywood drinks. First they chug then they fight then they inconvenience a bartender then they eye-f*** a scorpion that might not even be there before quitting drinking forever and moving to Japan. That's not healthy. That's an unsustainable way to live, you got to sort this out movies. This went really well - this show rules, i didn't uh come up with a way to end it though I guess let's try Hey, you like stand-up Come see the Cracked stand-up show It's happening June 22nd at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles, if you want to see amazing comics including our own Josh Sargent Go to NerdmeltLA.com/tickets, and if you want to see me do a funny dance Sorry not today
