Hoda Kotb Shares Her Road To Motherhood | Me Becoming Mom | PEOPLE

i actually want to start with the title of one of your books i've loved you since forever so had you known forever that you wanted to be a mom forever i've known i've known that forever but it's like you know you make choices in your life and when you make one choice you don't know whether or not you're erasing another one you don't know if by making one decision you are somehow almost inadvertently you know putting an end to it another choice so for my whole life like my career road sidecar always always because i worked so hard and every time i i went somewhere i said oh this is you know this is important this is the next job i always assumed i would be a mother i don't i don't know that i thought there was any other choice for me personally but i kept thinking the timing you know when it was time it would it would reveal itself i had no idea that you know i would be standing in a moment kind of going through a divorce and just having gone through breast cancer and having a doctor say when i said well can i freeze my eggs and the doctor basically said well have you ever frozen an egg before like a real egg do you know what happens there it's not often viable at this stage and i just couldn't even comprehend what she was telling me and i tried to block it and but i but somehow i always kind of kept a little secret belief or yearning maybe but i dreamt about it my whole life and did you know going into treatments for your cancer that that was a potential outcome or was it a shock to hear that um it was surprising to hear it i went through my cancer the way i wanted to which is i'm not the doctor my job is to be calm and not stressed and let the top surgeons and you know oncologists do their thing no matter how hard i fought cancer it was either going to do its thing or not and so i didn't dive deep into all that stuff my sister did but i didn't i refused and so when she said that to me and i remember it very vividly i i was almost like it was almost too much for me to bear or believe that choice wasn't mine anymore and i had to do what i think a lot of women do you're like well okay um i have lots of blessings in my life and i get to have a lovely mom and sister and brother and lovely nieces and a lovely circle of friends that feel like family and a job i enjoy and that's what i get and just say thank you so i just went along that path for a long time and i've heard you talk about how you sort of pushed the idea out of your head and specifically said like i have these nieces this is my role in the world and kind of tried to convince yourself like okay the path to motherhood is not actually for me when did you stop fighting that and realize that that was not actually how you felt you know what's so funny i was actually with a girlfriend and we were walking down the street and i remember it like it was yesterday and she said because i had never shared it with anyone that i had wanted i still yearned for it because it seemed like wanting to go to the moon you know it's not happening so don't even bring it up so she said you know well neither of us wanted really you know were wanted to have children and i looked at her and i said well i do i didn't say did i said i do and she looked at me and she goes what and i started crying i said i do i do like i said it out loud i do it was so weird and it was an everyday moment that turned into an epiphany and i had never spoken it and it just reminded me that sometimes you know if you say out loud your secret even if you whisper it or even if you just mumble it to a friend or even if it's just to yourself in the bathroom mirror however you say it when you say it something happens and i'm i wasn't a believer in that until then and i was like i said it out loud and i was like oh my god i do want to have children right now like here in my current state you know and then when you said it was it like okay i'm on this path i want to do this immediately well um i wasn't i didn't think about the urgency in that moment but i was newly dating a man who i had met who had a grown daughter of his own who was going to law school and we had been dating for a while and we were talking about moving in together and i realized in that moment like i can't carry this with me so before we make a big move to move in together which is something we were talking about i have to this has to come up and you know how weird it is i was terrified i was like i was rehearsing in my head how am i gonna say this you know this is and i don't know his reaction and i think what i was probably the most scared of was that i knew i was gonna do it anyway so it was gonna be depending on what he said would have depended on whether or not he was going to be in my life and i wasn't sure that i wanted that to go away because it was amazing all these things were kicking around and i remember approaching him and my heart was pounding and i was sweaty i could i still remember it and i said to him um you know joel i have to ask you something and i haven't been sleeping well lately because it's been weighing on me and i can't carry it anymore so i'm gonna say something to you and i don't want you to answer me right now i want you to sit with it and take your time don't answer and you know just take a week take as long as you need and he was like what the what is she going to tell me and i looked him in the eye and i said you know um i would like to explore adoption with you and in that there was like a second in there i was like this is the end of a relationship or the beginning of a family like this is happening in a snap in an instant and my heart was pounding and he just looked at me and he said i don't need a week and in that moment i like fell on his chest and was sobbing and i i said he said i didn't know you were carrying that and i said and he knew like i knew in that moment i chose right because it was the thing that would make me the happiest on earth and um he wasn't going to deprive me of it because i was going to do it anyway i think but it made all the decisions so easy and clear and i said i chose right i chose a man who chose my happiness over his convenience maybe in that moment and so we're six minutes in and i already want to sob and i have chills it was such a beautiful life-changing moment from for us for me and for joel and at that point and i think that you know the title of the book which you quoted i've you know i've loved you since forever i think then i could see it before it was in a something imagined but i could see like i had conversations with god about it after that i wrote in my journal and i wondered you know are you here are you about to be born are you sleeping under the same stars right now are you out there somewhere you know choosing me you had loved her since forever had you thought about adoption since forever or had was that not a path that you'd considered until you had to consider it yeah i never considered it until i had to families i just you know you you realize they come in so many different ways and my brother and his wife had adopted a little girl from ethiopia um ella who was like the apple of our eye and they had adopted and so i was familiar with that um just the process a little bit and how lovely and how wonderful and how families come in different ways and i thought to myself i want to do that and i just i i know that the adoption agency said there's a child out there just for you um and i believe i believed it then and i believe it today and so it was just about filling out paperwork and so tell me a little bit about that process and i imagine you started pretty quickly after that right right after right after joel said yes i called an adoption agency and i filled out tons of paperwork it takes a long time to do all the criminal background and all that stuff and they come to your house and they check to make sure that everything is safe and sound and they check you know they they sit with you they ask you all kinds of weird questions like i didn't know the process but you sit with them and they say you know who comforted you when you were sick when you were a little girl how did your parents discipline you were you ever hit and you're sitting with somebody in your home and it's hours and hours and hours and hours of that but it's really revelatory you know and it makes you think about how you would discipline like did was the silent treatment something common in your home you know was that how did you know when you did something wrong or you know and i thought that being comforted when you were sick how did they was it with like orange juice and a blanket or did someone sit with you did they give you something were they there you know just anyway all these things that make you think about how you would parent and after i filled out the paperwork it was a whole you know wait and see thing and i have to tell you zoey like the timing was insane we got the last bit of paperwork in the last bit of criminal background check and all those things and i think it was like a month late joel and i had moved in and we were living in there for a month and i was and the the people from the adoption agency said if you we ever call you please pick up quickly and i was sitting actually right here where i am right now at that desk and um i was on a some kind of a call about something and a text came through and it said ashley project because i called it the project because i didn't want to you know i didn't want to like tell anybody what i was doing i didn't want anyone to see it it said call me and i looked at that text and my heart was pounding and i hung up on the call and i grabbed a yellow pad that was on my desk and i wrote down like 11 53 a.m this is the moment that it all changes there will be a before and after i didn't even know for sure and when i dialed her number i will not forget it i mean my heart was pounding and it was ashley and another lovely friend of mine who was on the phone too from the adoption agency they were on two different lines and they said hoda and i said yes and they said she's here and i was like i mean i don't know what giving birth feels like but i sure know what my heart felt like when i heard those words and it felt it was just amazing and i i hung up the phone and i thought oh my god she's here she's here she's here and they sent me a picture and i called joel i called my mom i called my sister i called you know i called my my best friends i was like oh my god she's here she's here and then you know that was the beginning so what did you know about her and her background and you know were you matched with her in that moment they asked me you know what would you be interested in as a mother who do you see in the frame that's what they ask you who do you see in the frame and i said i see anybody i don't see i don't i don't care like i couldn't care less race sex it doesn't matter i said whatever comes i'm here it's for me i know it like i believe in the universe and god and all that stuff i said i believe that it she will he will you know be meant for me so i knew nothing about her and they gave me some details about her background afterwards and um i mean i was happy to know whatever details and i was also happy not to know any i didn't care sure i just knew that she was ours and she is a she was going to be loved um beyond what i think she would have ever like i don't know dreamt of that was my goal like love her more than she could have ever imagined so when your life changes at 11 53 you make that call you call all of the important people in your life i imagine it sets like a crazy few days in motion did you have to fly to go meet well yeah i did when the baby's born and the way i think it works in most adoption agencies is there's a 30-day period where the birth mother you know has you know flexibility because sometimes people change their minds and you have to be available for that and at the 30-day moment that's when you can go and pick her up so from that moment there was 30 days and so i waited so during the 30 days i was like what's a rock and play or whatever i didn't even know like i no idea i'm like oh my god zero diapers come in zero like what formula is like i didn't know any of the things um um i did fly to go get her and what was that like oh my god you know what's funny joel at that point was actually in the middle of some huge work deal my best friend uh flew with me to scoop her up and on the way there it's so this sounds so weird but sandra bullock was really helping with some guidance about like don't be scared she was one of the people who i looked to to realize that someone like me of the same age could do these things and she described like the most beautiful part of her life began when her kids entered it and so um she sent me you know some texts and i was reading them and i was playing you know music by ingrid michelson i don't know why i love ingrid michaelson i was just playing that music and flew there and then landed and met karen there and um you wait in a room you just stand there and you wait and i did and i were you nervous i was just i mean i have tingles right now like right now i feel that like it's like you know that the biggest one of the biggest moments of your life is about to happen right in front of you and that door swung open and i just i mean i don't even remember who was carrying her because all i could see was her and they put her in my arm right here and i i i'm not a like i i haven't carried many babies i she fit like she was born there and i i exhaled and i was like oh my god oh my god she and it was it was one of those things where i looked down and these eyes were looking at me and i thought to myself forever for as long as i am breathing i have a breath in me like you will be protected and loved and cared for and she felt like mine right then it didn't take any time it it happened instantly for me everybody's different but boy did that feel good maybe do you remember the first thing you said to her i knew her name was was haley my sister and i we talked about like haley's comments like a once in a blue moon you know that something beautiful like that happens and i just remember looking at her and she and i said like hi haley like you know sometimes you wonder does the name fit and her eyes were looking right up at me and it was um boy it was magic i still can't believe like and sometimes you wonder about you know do you what what do you deserve in life and what you know what do you deserve and sometimes when i look at her and i looked at her then and even today you wonder is that did i get more than my share like i feel like i did um but it's she changed everything like talk about a world snapping into focus yeah like anyway she changed the world for me so it sounds i mean you're saying you connected with her immediately you know some people regardless of the path that they take to motherhood whether it's adoption or not it takes them a little while for that maternal instinct to kick in did you just have it the second she was in your arms i had it and i didn't know what i was doing either it's not like i knew i had any idea i had no idea what i was doing they were like change your diaper i was like does the what part goes where like i didn't have any skills but i did have a feeling and i didn't know how to do all the things but i had a feeling and um i remember some of the best advice i got which was like the next day or so it was from a friend too maria and she said i was kind of rocking her and doing stuff and marie goes what do you what are you doing i said i'm just playing with her you know playing with her and she said babies don't need that she said i said well what do they need and she said they need what you need i said oh okay what's that she said to be looked at to be talked to to be listened to to be held to be made to feel secure that's all they need and it was sort of like the lights went on so i think i had the love i just didn't have any skills i didn't know how to do all the things you needed to do as a mother but was i scared yes did i was i afraid i was gonna break her yes was i scared about you know like poor joel did you always envision a family with more than one child yes i did um i did because there are a lot of things you evaluate in your life when you're an older parent like i i feel like i'm there's so many pluses i can't even quantify them all there's so many you know you're calmer you have your priorities straight you understand you have all these things but you know i'm also keenly aware i want someone who can share a life alongside you know two to two siblings that can share life alongside one another long after we're gone and i've thought of that and it's i hate to think about it quite frankly but i want someone who says do you remember when or aren't mom and dad weird or you know or all those things just someone to hold hands with through life and so there was never a doubt that it was going to be to me more than one uh child never a doubt in my mind how soon after you brought hayley home did you start thinking about starting that process i called at six months and they said you have to wait nine months because that's the the rule as if you were actually having the baby got it so they said at nine months you can reapply and i did we applied right at nine months because that's how much i wanted it and how much i loved every bit of it um i you know i'm a worker at work i took six months off i've never taken six months off in my life never and it was probably the easiest decision i've ever made and i've heard you talk about how immediately your priorities shifted and it was like if everything was taken away from me if i lost my job if i lost everything as long as i have her it's okay isn't that funny like all the things i valued and treasured all the things that mattered to me and all of a sudden it could all fall away like even if today because i think about that some days because you never know what life has in store for you like where would i be and all i know is when i put the key in the door when i open the door after work or on saturday i only get saturday and sunday mornings because i leave at like three in the morning but all those other days i have to tell you there is no better feeling it's like a ticker tape parade and you can't believe it's happening for you hope is a dream child she is a dream child it is as if they shared the same blood the same everything she and haley they are intertwined they hold hands they don't let go they're actually in the same school one's two and a half and one's four and a half they write each other notes because of kova they can't see and the teachers deliver them stop it that's what they're doing they're two and a half and four and a half like i'm so blown away by the love they share i keep thinking like i want to be a better parent i want to be you know i want to be firm but i also want them to have like the time of their life like i want to have more patience than my parents had i want to be but i also you know realize that kids who are handed you know who don't have much kind of difficulty growing up sometimes have trouble adjusting in adulthood like i want strong adults strong grown-ups when they grow up i feel like i'm busy prepping them now because i you know life is weird you don't know so i i'm trying really hard to make sure that they are on the right um on the right path i ca i'm i'm like some days i'll wake up and i'll go do i seriously have two kids sleeping down the hall from me like and i watch them on the monitor because they share a room and i just they sing songs and i'm like i'll take care of you don't worry hope hope's like do you need a hug i'm like what is happening how is this possible that this is me the career-driven hard-driving you know blood bloody blah you know and then it just reminded me like when you think life passed you by just slow down a minute and see maybe maybe it didn't i remember feeling the same way when my son was born i said to my husband like i feel like our world is so tiny but i meant it in a good way like all that matters is right here and like who knows what's happening outside this little tears yes there could be all kinds of crap going on around the world in our own country and it's not that i'm not engaged or listening but of course the only thing i have control over is this space right my child my daughter hope hayley joel i can make our place cozy our place a sanctuary our place peaceful our place full of love when we step out the door i can't control that you know they're going to school joel's going to work i'm going out like but when we come home this space right here like this is going to be a beautiful comfortable lovely safe peaceful place so tell me at nine months you decide i want a sibling so how long did it take to talk about hope yeah it took another year and a half i mean we were we were waiting and waiting and i kind of wondered like i kept thinking okay no matter what happens you are you have been given more gifts than you could have ever imagined it was around mardi gras and um i had my book coming out and they called and they said well it's a great holiday it's mardi gras around this time you got a book coming out and you might think that book is kind of like your baby but we have some more news and i was like oh my god oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh and this time joel and i both flew uh to scoop her up i mean there are a lot of beautiful pictures of joel and the kids but probably none more beautiful than when he's holding hope for the first time he's crying and he's looking at me like oh my gosh and we cuddled her up and we brought her home and we introduced her to haley what was that introduction oh my god cause we've been telling her i'm gonna have a sister a a you know she didn't know and she kept looking at her and touching her she in fact we had a bassinet that was above and she slept underneath the bassinet that's where haley was sleeping it was super cute can you believe we have aren't we lucky yes how do we get to do this no it's so wonderful so i'm curious if someone were sitting in front of you and said i'm considering adopting i don't know much about it what's the advice or the guidance you would give to that woman i would say first of all the decision that you are making right now is the is the best decision you'll ever make i don't care what decisions you've made in the past or what's in the future this one right here uh wanting to adopt and you're not adopting to save a child like you're not that's not why you're adopting you're adopting for to save you like you're adopting to fulfill a part of you that is missing whenever someone says to me oh well wow what a great thing you're doing by adopting it's like no no no i haven't done one thing except for i've just i've been enriched i've gained i don't think i can't think of anything that has gone the other way and the adoption process can be long and it can be difficult but it's just i mean look people go through labor it's long and it's difficult when that baby is placed in your arms there are very few things that are life-changing i didn't know that you know like everything good was going to happen after 50 for me i had no clue i mean hooth would have thought that and i thought i had all the highs and all the loves and everything and all of a sudden i get this happens i'm like oh my god like i like who's the love of my life these girls i mean i love joel but of your life the loves of your life it's literally as if you know my heart is running around right now at a date at a kindergarten i can feel it i can feel them and to know that you can like experience this kind of emotion and have this kind of a bond i mean i i smile all the time when i think about it and even on the worst days and there are plenty of those i still think to myself oh my god like i get to do this like i get to something that maybe someone would take for granted like oh well i'm a mama well what a headache i'm like when you've been dying for something your whole life and and when it comes to this stage someone says okay you can have a crack at it you're like oh my god like thank you i'll hold it with kid gloves i'll treasure it oh i feel the same way sometimes i feel like the bumpier or more difficult the road the more you're able to value something at the end yes yeah yes so when you talk to haley and hope what do you say to them about your road to motherhood and how they came how you all came to be a family i tell them they were adopted and i'm not sure if they 100 know what that means i always say they i always say you didn't come from mommy's tummy you came from my heart and they understand that and they said did a baby ever come from your tummy and i said no i didn't we haven't had the big discussions about it because i think that is to come but in this moment they know that they're adopted i tell them how cool it is i tell them that their cousin ella was adopted and you know all the cool kids were adopted and they get such a kick out of that and i'm also blessed because i live in new york and you know families come in so many different shapes and sizes and you know nobody no nobody pays attention to how that comes to be it's just like that's your mom that's your dad you're the kids next you know and i i really really value that so they know and little by little i'll be telling them more and more about about that part of their life and i'm not afraid of it i do imagine that at some point the girls will want to know who their birth moms are and families and that's part of you i mean you know it's part of who you are you know if you want to know you should know well thank you zoey thank you so much i appreciate you this okay i'll see you soon okay thank you take care

Channel: People

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Keywords: People, people magazine, news, celebrities, interview, magazine, celebrity news, celebrity, famous, Hollywood, celebrity (media genre), entertainment, today show, hoda kotb, nbc news, hoda kotb breakdown, hoda kotb simone biles, hoda kotb suni lee, hoda kotb olympics, hoda kotb engaged, hoda kotb interview, hoda kotb family, hoda kotb family update, hoda kotb adoption, hoda kotb adoption announcement, hoda kotb adopting third child, hoda kotb adopting again, hoda kotb adopted baby

Id: msgunkVWtuU

Length: 29min 11sec (1751 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 18 2021