HIGNFY S02E11

[Music] [Music] [Music] good evening and welcome to the bbc's entry for this year's most promising news quiz featuring four panelists sitting in a semicircle award after fears that john major may not be exciting enough to win the next election british scientists come up with an idea for doubling his charisma meanwhile following the decision by the labour party to win young people round to socialism before they reach voting age neil kinnick's colleagues accuse him of going too far as a leadership vacuum develops in iran david owen finally sees his chance for power and following claims that john major's performance at maastricht was disappointing government chiefs decide that in future negotiations he'll be replaced by a plate of biscuits as you can see we've pulled out all the stops to give this have i got news for yuletide special a festive air which is why the bbc has splashed out on both bits of silver tinsel here that's a doubled the budget for this one-off extended review of the year ian hislop is joined by someone who specializes in playing slobs boars louts and half wits so he should feel at home here tonight harry enfield and with paul merton someone who also feels at home with slobs boars louts and half wits he's a keen arsenal supporter clive anderson let's uh plunge headfirst into round one with an obscure story from earlier in the year that you may just remember ian and harry who's zooming who here that's the war where we went to liberate kuwait was it at the beginning of the year sounds so long ago it was this year wasn't it yeah it was yes get rid of the iraqi tortures and replace them with kuwaiti torture satire it was very successful and we went in against hussein and he's still there so i think we can call that a major victory for hussein but mrs thatcher isn't still there no well that's that's just a bonus but uh well she wasn't there when it started anyway was she well she didn't i'm not in kuwait no but she was she was in 10 downing street if you cast your money back was she that's all we're time for on panama it's uh yes it's the gulf war 1991 to 91. uh the land war of course uh being all over in four days the saddam had promised the mother of all battles but in fact it turned out to be more of the second cousin twice removed of all battle back in london there was a major scare when the entire allied war plan was stolen from the car of wing commander david farquhar he blamed his negligence on the fact that he was taking the drug imodium which is a diarrhea cure but he was glad he had a package of those around when he noticed it had been stolen can i just say that point it's interesting how um the security service in this country work so i had a phone call on the day after it was stolen um from a man who runs the d notice committee and i thought oh dear i've done something wrong and he said you haven't heard anything have you where these papers are and i said no i'm terribly sorry i haven't he said well if you do just uh give us a bell actually uh so we're all safe actually i i had a phone call the day after it was stolen but it was nothing to do with that it was my father i think there's an interesting story yes what did your father want no uh foreign clyde three days one summer for you to identify all right um yeah this is a new uh keep fit video shape up and dance with president gorbachev well we've spotted that it was president gorbachev yeah nothing interesting happened to him this year well he's not had a great year he had a nice holiday i didn't see how the girl fits in i know that oh yes yeah i know that's his granddaughter irina i believe that's all i know about her she's 14 she's available for bookings bill wyman wasn't it it's a home video made by mikhail gorbachev during the three days he was confined to his dacha by his captors a recording he made over an old tape of his granddaughter dancing in the living room that'll be fun to look at in later years there's little cassini dancing in the living room there's the attempted overthrow of the most powerful leader in the communist world oh look and there's granny dusting the mantle pier ian and harry who's who's this who's done so much for his family there's the pension fund how do you get five million pounds five billion into a box and then it disappears okay well i think you identified it was robert maxwell anyway which is the answer we were looking for it's uh i was see him on top of a 20 year old girl did you see that it's just a sunny mirror i just loved it the sunny mirror they had did you see that the uh there was a secretary who said uh maxwell slept with me and they said was was he gentle with you she said well as gentle as a 22 stone man well the one the one i'm sorry it tickled me a chance to see the celebrated moment when after kevin maxwell applied to judge harman for the return of his passport his lordship emerged from the throng of press men to get into his taxi [Music] isn't he just gorgeous uh paul and clive whose cultured right boot is this that was one cabbie who wasn't gonna go south of the river i've just been kicked out of the river in fact oh that's poor old gaza did a sort of neck high tackle and then he did another one he kept doing until his leg fell off and then he burst into tears and he's been repeating that in the nightclubs up and down the land ever since it's uh yes it's paul gascoigne the man with the physique of a blow up doll with brains to match uh he now faces a race against time to get fit before may which he's doing by being punched by invisible men and falling downstairs in nightclubs excellent training for playing against italian defenders which trivia brings us bounding to the end of this first round at which point well the score is about as even as stevens can be paul and clive have four and ian and harry have four [Applause] well round two beckons but before all that in a futile attempt to inject a little festive spirit into the proceedings we bring you our christmas caption competition one seasonal image per team paul and clyde this is yours ian and harry this is for you and in the hours that crawl by between now and the end of this extended pantomime it's your solemn task to come up with a christmas cracker of a caption or two but first let's confront you with a number of 1991 tabloid headlines to decipher paul a rather everyday claim for you david phoned and said socrates had just asked him to save the world um oh david ike it must be presumably he went bonkers and predicted that oxford united would get promotion yes he said arsenal do quite well in europe as well yes uh is david ike the former coventry goalkeeper now son of god one of the less publicized close season transfers to prove that he was the son of god ike announced that by the end of the year saddam hussein would be dead and that the isle of aaron would have been sunk beneath the waves under a gigantic earthquake well unless there are some major surprises on tonight's news it looks as if socrates has been at the uzo again clive a salacious little number for you if she's a tart i'll give her the boot um i'm not sure about this but there was a story on there about norman lamont who rented out his uh a flat of his to somebody who'd advertised herself as a relief masseurs or something princess diana i got confused i don't know if you ever managed to get rid of her or what terms they agreed for her departure well it i'm not sure that she did i believe actually it concerns the house saying she's still there how do you have the address client how do i have the address where she is well if you go to the phone booth just outside here it's got a number of interesting addresses if i could just uh leap in here it's a concern harry is the one i'd rather like i'm just rather shocked that you're so rude you're rather nice man you're a vulgar yes it turned out to be uh miss sarah dale who was alleged to be a prostitute but who insisted she was a sex therapist who merely practiced in the nude so not to distract her clients i must i always find that when i go to the dentist so much less distracting if they're completely naked presumably now when lamont goes home and finds a message that uh the chief whip calls he doesn't know whether to phone the house of commons or pop downstairs he's just gabbling harry another deeply religious headline for you god's [ __ ] goes with a rocket james anderton is it he's a teapot is he is um yes well he went yes he retired yes there was a bit of a row before he retired good and he got a rocket from somebody as a as a leaving president possibly from the soviet union it's sad to see a man groping in quite a pathetic way it's uh the retirement last march of the chiefs of greater manchester so james anderton who controversially claimed he got his orders directly from god the rocket in question came from the local council and police authorities after his increasingly bizarre pronouncement he accused homosexuals of uh swirling around in a human cesspit of their own making yeah yeah i got a phone number for that one as well i think we're just leaving behind afterwards and he was also accused of wolf whistling fergie when she bent down during an official visit so that proves he's mad and finally in islam ian brilliant advertising or just a tacky attempt to get free publicity uh maxwell's death well he might be right but it's not the answer i got written here no this is the united colours of bennetton advert they put up on a hoarding all over the country a a newly born baby um with everything on it's the blood and the umbilical tool i don't know why this is the united colors of benetton their jumpers now come with umbilical cord now we know the newborn baby was the third in the line of outrageous and shocking benetton ads the others showing a black woman and a white baby and two heterosexual priests now that is unusual actually the united colors of bennett are really featured in your waistcoat tonight aren't they angus as well well there's uh yes there's one two did you remind your bit of a newborn baby doesn't it they're not born with waistcoats clive we will learn what are you talking about i don't know do you want drugs harry or whatever no i'm simply drawing attention to the sartorial elegance of the chairman i think it's a very nice way and thank you and i will tell him all of which drags us screaming to the end of round two at which point uh well at long last yes paul and clive have eight but ian and harry are opening a gap with nine [Applause] what question did we not get right in the course of that it's no good climb i've been through this and so we uh target round three our hugely confusing but still mildly popular connections around each team sees before it a dazzling array of sights and sounds which together encapsulate a major news story of the year ian and harry unravel this lot [Music] earlier this year by admitting rather stupidly that one of his goods was was crap all of his goods no no you'll find you'll get a lot of lawyers coming and jumping on your head clive yes then by the looks of things it was only it wasn't all of his products it was the decanter right yes um that's right yes and what he was actually saying was that all the other stuff the earrings and stuff are very very good value anyway his share price fell through the floor he said you'd be better off buying a prawn sandwich it would last longer yeah you're not getting any more points why don't you just unplug our scoreboard angus good so well well done ian and harry excellent answer it just paid away his entire fee it's gerald ratner who described a decanter he sells as total crap and claimed that a pair of retinas earrings would last longer or as long as a prawn sandwich a few months later in august ratner was fined eleven thousand pounds for selling an unbreakable bracelet which broke his lawyer explained that they were only unbreakable so long as you didn't try and break them paul and clive what does all this add up to [Music] are we going to carry his legs uh one of the very few libel cases brought this year against a paper other than private eye rampling which i'd have thought would merit a rit from sherlock rampling yes and she managed i think she was successful wasn't she she won damages yes she did where did the eggs come in to this story is that just a cheap reference that's three years old yes exactly a cheap reference just to help you uh visualize something elena curry that's all which we never bothered now actually we're visual symbols you actually helped us when you showed us a picture of edwina curry that that that sort of pointed us in the right direction you got a choice i see we're still losing look yeah isn't she a regular on this program uh well she was on it once yeah just not exactly being a regular as you'll find out yes it's our old friend edwina curry who won the damages from the observer for comparing her to an adulterous murderer played in the film paris by night by charlotte rampling uh mrs curry said that she wouldn't have minded being compared to joan collins now i'm sure norman tebbit wouldn't mind being compared to kevin costner either and that she'd even quite like to be compared to liz taylor well okay you're a fat bloated alcoholic strange request but there we are time now i'm not the rich i think i'm not sure bloated alcoholic you're turning into dennis north and now the stepladder of short-term recollection the escalator of truth as we move through the corridors of irony still losing yeah yeah this isn't what question of sports like when you watch it at home they dub in between yes and now we descend the escalator of truth through the corridors of irony to the very bowels of the bbc archives one piece of rotting footage per team both of which feature mystery voices ian and harry your first who's this fresh young face we've had a german economic miracle we've had a japanese economic miracle it's now time that we had a british economic miracle robocop is it that's what drug dealers always look like that's the trap in the rape case and his face blocked down i don't know who the face is the voice sounds like norman lamont well let's just have a look we've had a german economic miracle we've had a japanese economic miracle it's now time that we had a british economic miracle that was before that woman moved into his flat turned his hair white he's aged badly paul and clive another mystery voice from the past who is this and because i'm a trade unionist and it is because i want to see the tories beaten and because i am willing to use any weapon to beat them then i am against eec entry on these terms at this time oh yes we can spot a bit of ginger in there the fact that it took three hours to explain one principle which is going to be changed next week uh is the clue yes i think it is that's clearly the uh the heroic leader of the labour party just just ahead of a u-turn or two yeah well let's see and because i'm a trade unionist and it is because i want to see the tories beaten and because i am willing to use any weapon to beat them then i am against eec entry on these terms at this time yes it's uh it's neil kinnick in 1971 pledging to remain out of europe and being a man of his word he's completely gone back on everything he said in fact he's done so many u-turns on the subject he's now in serious danger of agreeing with himself of course if we did go into europe under kinnick it's dubious whether the interpreters would be able to stay awake long enough to translate any of his speeches in german in particular where they put the verb at the end of the sentence they'd have to wait three hours to find out what he was talking about of course some of us have been waiting 21 years at which point i'm bound to tell you that that concludes you've been waiting 21 years anger not personally no 35 years right surely a point for that a witty interjection like this at which point i'm bound to tell you that that concludes round four and our tinsel cloud scoreboard now reveals the seasonal tidings that uh well paul and clyde now have 12 but ian and harry have a splendid 13. round five would appear to be our odd one out round four gruesome quartets of much-loved public figures three of whom share some dark secret our panelists job is to detect the infiltrator paul the sporting foursome for you frank bruno steve davies paul gascoigne's sister anna maria and the pantomime horse i'm sorry that's a dodgy photograph there that's not in fact anna maria i feel as if i should point this out at this stage it is in fact her brother you couldn't afford a photograph no all the budget have been spent on the tinsel unfortunately well it's um it's quite obvious really yeah yes it's steve davis because all the other three have appeared in pantomime it's incredible and it's true yes two points it's he's the only one not appearing in panto this christmas how do you know he's not the back end of that pantomime horse where would he put his cue it doesn't bear thinking about cliver before jimmy somerville look-alikes for you in his lot arthur scargill hang on don't let the wizard kenneth baker and basil bruh well it's time to say basil brush because he has a hand up him uh most of the time that would apply to ian i suppose um they've all been in trouble with the law um i thought you didn't want to go to court kenneth baker was found in contempt of court uh recently although he's in you know home secretary uh arthur scargill's always in trouble with the corporate generally is found not guilty in the end he was accused of pulling a lot of money uh by the daily mirror in a huge campaign pot calling the kettle black i think is the cliche we reach for there ian hislop is in and out of the law courts constantly there's a revolving door hislop's entrance we know it's uh legal circles and basil brush i think sued the corn hunt for loss of peaceful enjoyment of the countryside um so i've excluded all of them i'm the odd one out because i can't get this round one let's say it's um i'd say i'd go for basil brush as the only one who hasn't been in the law course very good indeed can i have a bonus a for b but just the technically it's all about contempt of court oh give my points to ian then that would seem fair it's crazy and i meant to give you a christmas present and there it is my points for this the first time i've got something free from a lawyer in my life and the last harry uh an uppercrust selection for you king edward viii princess michael of kent dame david berry and benito mussolini they're all foreigners except for david bowie i'd say that he's the other three all foreigners are they except for the king i think we can say that without edward fear of um far-right sympathies well he met hitler and all his friends thought hitler was very amusing at dinner sort of country house fascist princess michael of course isn't at all her father was he was a bit of a fascist he belonged to the um to the sa didn't he in austria that makes you the salvation army is so who are you picking is the other one out david bowie is wrong but i'll give you one for getting the answer yes i have the points anyway have the points for turning up and wearing such a smart suit yeah we get a chance to answer this yeah we know that you can leap in and get the other we know that so don't we paul yes you go clive tell them you get this one well david bowie did do a thing at victoria station many years ago publicized an album he made sort of fascist speech from the back of a car which you've probably forgotten about um i would say um it's princess michael of kemp absolutely right it's uh it's princess michael as all the others were nazis or fascist sympathizers she was really descended from them and finally in this round ian four wise men for you the duke of edinburgh hailey selassie james anderton and the emperor hirohito only one of them can do an impression of larry grayson allegedly it's an interesting point but uh only one of them is irrelevant isn't it it's a god question it is one of them isn't it doesn't have a direct line to god and that's yeah the greek fellow well that's not necessarily true actually because the duke of edinburgh is a god in in some very small british dependencies anderson thinks he talks to god yeah um highly selassie was god three of them are gods and one of them has a hotline to him so that's the answer james anderson james anderson is correct two points she's the only one who is not worshipped as a god or at least not outside his own house anyway and prince philip is worshipped as a god on the pacific island of tana where he's known as number one big fella and at the end of that illuminating round it's plain for all to see that ian and harry have 16 and paul and clive have a far superior 17. so in this one-off christmas special it's time for our exclusive royal round four regal headlines for the teams to decipher beginning with paul what is the price of bonking miss tonking i've got the telephone number this is mark phillips isn't it didn't he have an affair with somebody a woman in new zealand australia it was a paternity suit that she put in i can't remember what her child was called your royal highness thing yes it was because the babies had hooves or something it's uh it's new zealand show jumper heather tonkin who claimed in march to have been made pregnant in a horse riding clinic by mark phillips at least it was either him or champion bark at the uh clive a bit of hush for this one's thinking um well i can nearly remember this because i it's something to do with princess anne wanting the um the loudspeaker turned down at charing cross station and uh the bear can't remember is why she should have needed that where in trump has she been living in a box in on the strand for the last year and has been disturbed by the announcements something that's roughly right something along those lines it's also a free advertisement for schweppes uh the very very good uh uh manufacturers of tonic water and um whatever it's a crap yeah yes why are they very good and let's see who gets the crate of it delivered in time for christmas cabbage my kind of company i have easter eggs they do very good easter eggs as well cadburys schwepps no i'm afraid you can't i think the announcement was the uh a47 to pearly is delayed and uh mark phillips has got another woman up the duff so she asked for it to be turned off it's uh it's a reference to one wednesday in april when princess anne asked for all the announcements at cherry cross station to be switched off for four hours causing confusion and delays across the whole kent region so no change there but the reason given was that she was thinking good job it wasn't princess dino or they would have had to close down the whole of london operation for prince which one and why oh this is is this to do with prince andrew well there's a picture of him naked in the sun instead of a manhood he seemed to have a crown so maybe or some other kind of helmet so maybe they were doing some operation to to check change that or it could be prince charles who broke his arm and i think i think he's the son of prince charles he got a golf club over his head very good and uh had to have an operation to remove the golf club and uh should have removed the head in my opinion no i think they're awful but yes did you have a nice christmas five days ago because we get repeated i did actually yes i can't wait for boxing day it was fun the day before yesterday wasn't that pretty about clive anderson being knocked down by that car apparently the driver's headlights were dazzled on his head it's prince william who was rushed to hospital in a multi-vehicle convoy in in june after a fellow pupil hit him on the head with a golf putter a spokesman for the school expressed surprise and regret and said it's absolutely unthinkable that a fellow pupil should have hit the prince with a putter should have chosen a nine-iron and finally ian no prizes for guessing who's a four-star charlie oh this is prince charles um oh point for that four stars petrol point for that uh no this is um because he drives a bentley which is a very very good car i think i like it sorry it's like used to um having his own show it's very difficult you'll get yours one day yeah prince charles drove in his car to a summit in europe um in order to make a speech about um economy of petrol on cars and then it was revealed after he'd driven in one himself it's his prince charles who after making several entreaties on the environmental benefits of saving fuel was discovered to have had his bentley driven all the way to czechoslovakia to meet him the car apparently does nine miles to the gallon that's almost as much as princess margaret this is this is merely the tip of the royal iceberg when it comes to petrol consumption it transpires that the royal family uses 25 cars and 17 motorbikes for their engagements they just can't get the queen mother off that harley davidson all of which brings us to the end of that treacherous round and the ever mounting totals on our scoreboard read as follows uh ian and harry have 18 and paul and clive are lengthening their stride with 23. and so we enter the welcoming arms of our penultimate round some of the more frivolous bits of film footage to recollect ian and harry a particularly memorable if damp experience for you right that well that's the pavarotti concert isn't it the the royal family had their umbrellas up and they were asked at the front and all the politicians and the people at the back asked them to put them down so they could see them getting soaked and princess die was there and pavarotti sang a song especially for her it's all rather gorgeous princess dai was particularly annoyed to be there since duran duran were playing wembley arena that night and by all accounts norman major was pretty miserable too as apparently guns and roses were on at hammersmith paul and clive are heartwarming some heartwarming footage of man's best friend for you um yes rottweilers pitbull terriers this is to do with kenneth baker isn't it i recognized him there this is banning pitbull they've got to be muzzled haven't they and uh kenneth baker has yes i thought it was just kenneth baker's always pleased to uh eager to please john major and he heard your major in cabinets one day say why don't we muzzle the [ __ ] yeah but she's still there they didn't manage it did they somewhere apparently there are 10 000 pit bulls in britain together with 200 banned dogs and one japanese tozer so if anyone's attacked by a toaster even scotland yard she'll be able to solve that one and the owner of the only toaster defended her and arrest a poodle put it inside for 15 years yes the the owner of the only toaster defended her pet he's quiet and not aggressive with a fantastic personality said mrs yvonne wilson as he playfully spat out her big toe ian and harry what strange agricultural practice is this serial killing we do deduct marks for puns this is uh crop circles corn circles it is it's someone demonstrating how they're made isn't it this is two blokes called doug and pete and that yes doug and david actually before you go into beating that impersonation all right we're going to dave and doug impersonations hi doug hello you don't recognize it because dave's not very famous serial killer it was found out to be a fraud they're not aliens it's uh these two people said we invented them in fact they were wrong it was in fact robert maxwell being gentle with the secretary robert maxwell having a lie down i thought it was yes it's also they did them all all of them all over the world thousands of them which they obviously didn't no but the press having believed it was aliens thought oh it must be doug and dave now did some rigorous checking went and took some photos in the field and then went back to pints and then went home went back to the planet yes it's it's all about the corn circle it's a particularly good brand of water but it's now claimed that they were all faked by two pensioners doug bauer and david charlie they were last seen heading off towards scotland with a large rubber dinosaur so lastly paul and clive what's this member of a popular beat combo been up to this year look there's esther about to arrest him that's bill wyman trying to decide which one of those to marry he's got the he's got divorced isn't he always he's suing for divorce whatever you call it yes it is uh the rolling stones wrinkly bill wyman who this year divorced a 20 year old mandy smith who he first seduced when she was 13 and he's now going out with a 31 year old outrageous she's old enough to be his wife mandy smith they received 4 million pounds as a payoff for a marriage that she says was only consummated five times so that's eight hundred thousand pounds a bonk even the dpp couldn't afford that much at the end of all that it's time to turn our gaze to the gargantuan total so far amassed and uh as you can see ian and harry have but not entirely bad 22 but paul and clive have a copious 27. we're building a real maxwell of a school and so we enter the home straight that is our missing words round each team is shown a selection of the year's headlines with one or two words missing they have to name those words or come up with a better alternative as is a traditional he who lies last goes first so ian and harry that privileged position is currently held by you right bosses put lamont in what poor jail panto no a spot is actually the answer they put him in a spot the spot cleared up immediately i always use lamont next birmingham six detectives to what become judges to face court is actually the answer next kinnick scorns the tories and lays out what frank bruno new patio it's a lovely thought his policy his policies for europe is a very sensible answer i'll give you one his priority excellent next the london zoo offers plan for what thatcher's open retirement barbecue lost a lot of rescue rescue uh survival is actually the answer and finally seven thousand no it's not five thousand uh pit bulls still to join what masons rolling stones no register nothing yes new register very good register uh let's see uh if paul and clyde can do any better not difficult fergie bows to queen's ban on what cocaine no bad children's books friends is near the uh near the answer and next kilroy is returning to what primitive pond life slowly sort of regressing backwards as far as i'm aware old time is actually the answer next hattersley pours what on major's leadership to spend christmas in the arms of their family that's a lovely answer and completely wrong it's a party and finally bug is found in mirror finance chiefs what underpants office office is correct well done his collection of insects will you be had a look at the pension fund and apparently a big fat check is missing it's christmas i don't care right so after that non-existent display of lateral thinking a completing glance at our score reveals that this year's stuffed turkeys are ian and harry with 26 and this year's plum puddings and recipients of a short snowfall are paul and clive with 31. joke so a corn fed chicken to our winners a bag of giblets to our losers but uh before they rush off to trafalgar square for a quick dip but there's our caption competition to pay our respects to paul and clive what did you think of for this the family size is particularly useful at this time of year what about the caption for this um come here rudolph i'll give you a red nose no it's not a red-nosed rudolph i was looking for dpp curb calling scandal takes new twist trying out these wellington boots for a friend thank you hang on hang on hang on santa you're jeremy beadle it's the mini cab driver i'm not going to south antarctica at this time of night these high court judges they'll kick anybody thank you very much indeed ian and harry how about yours eec rules against center monopoly mirror pensioners get employment spots but they're drunk arsenal fans remember a happy time when they used to win many years ago now and on the fascinating football is wake up wake up i i tell you i'm not doing football i'm more interested in the bumper private eye book of jokes well i can't wait to get the video of the clive anderson shirt oh yes you can another video of you on the show you were you were a superb guest i was very good at your show excellent i didn't say too much all the time you got that out of your system yes well happy christmas baldy oh why i'm on the team of the bloody bash street kid everywhere and on that seasonal note we say thank you to our guests ian hislop and harry enfield paul merton and clive anderson and i leave you until next easter with news that sailing over to england for his christmas concert luciano pavarotti it advisedly takes a walk along the starboard side of the ship and finally at long last an answer to the mystery of the year as robert maxwell is cited off the coast of gran canaria so you

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 42,186

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, comedy, panel show, angus deayton, paul merton, ian hislop, harry enfield, clive anderson

Id: hk55g0EslYQ

Length: 44min 34sec (2674 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 13 2020