[Walter reading Disclaimer] Father... [sniff] ...I don't want to say goodbye. Well, that's quite selfish, Integra. I'm dying. It truly is a tragedy! I cannot believe someone would poison our afternoon brandy! What bittersweet fortune that I was somehow spared! Yes, it truly is a blessing that you are well my brother, Richard Traitoro Hellsing. But as I die... the authority of our sacred organization falls to... ...my precious daughter. What? What?
-Yes, with great honor-- [stammers] R-roll it back? Integra... You must stand taller than us all now, and lead the men and women of the Hellsing organization. wHAA?!? THAT'S UH, [Richard continues to stammer] [with great struggle and disbelief]
T-THAT'S GREAT! YAAAAY! If you should ever find yourself in peril, know that deep in a forgotten underground dungeon, there is one man you can count on. But Walter doesn't live in the dungeon.
He lives under the stairs. Walter: Hmm. Goodbye, my starling....and-- BLUKH-KLH!! ...that was my favorite pillow. Integra: Father!!
No!! [Integra sobbing] ...Walter, did you know you have paid vacation days? Ooooh. ??? [O-S]: Sorry sir, no sign of her. Richard: So did you actually search for her... ...or did you all go to the fucking Sunglasses Hut!? We did both. To hell with this! Sunglasses Man [O-S]:
...why can't we do both? If you want your family murdered, I guess you do it yourself. Again. I knew he did it. What do I do? Walter's in Brazil, I'm in a vent, and my uncle's trying to murder me... I suppose my only hope lies... ...in the dungeon. ??? [o-s]: By the way, would you like this extra pair of Oakleys? Richard: It's 9 fucking PM! I made it But however will I know which door is- It's... definitely this door. But I wish it wasn't. Richard: You! There you are, my precious little niece. I was afraid you'd left before your succession ceremony. I wanted to give you your parting gifts. There are eleven.
In fact, twelve... There are eleven.
In fact, twelve... INCLUDING THE ONE IN THE CHAMBER! You killed my father! No, no... the poison killed your father. I MURDERED your father. Then I guess you belong DOWN HERE! Oh God, there's so many stairs! Where...? Where...?
Where is he? Oh, God damn it, Dad.
He's dead! "Oh Integra!
You can't have a puppy!
That's too much responsibility." Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake. Arthur was quite forgetful. Just like how he forgot I existed. And soon, the world will forget all about you- [Slurping noises] What the fuck is that? [continued slurping noises] Ah...um? Excuse me. Hold on.
Let me get some sip. He said excuse-- I SAID LET ME GET SOME SIP! Hit the gimp! [wails in a high-pitched tone] [growls] [quivering whimpering] I don't care if you are my father's gimp-vampire-boyfriend. You stay back! Oh... So Arthur's an *actual* daddy now. Well he... Well he...
He was... Ooh, don't tell me... Ooh, don't tell me...
Arthur died and made you the successor... Ooh, don't tell me...
Arthur died and made you the successor...
and that dick over there is trying to murder you. Actually, yeah, that's plot synopsis basically. So then. How do you want to handle this? You work for me now. Ohhh? I am Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, of the Hellsing organization. If you served my father, you serve me. All right then... But I require long walks at night. Integra: Will you behave yourself? Alucard: More or less. And in return... DIE! I will protect you with my lives. Then your first order is... keep your arm steady. No. No.
No! No.
No!
NO!!! Alucard: WALTER! How you doing, buddy? You look... You look... moisturized? You get some work done? Walter: I have been seeing a doctor,
and he's administered a rather... unorthodox treatment. Alucard: Shot in the dark: was it vampire DNA? It was a spa day.
A deep tissue massage and a face mask... of vampire DNA. Pff, if you wanted one of those you could've just asked me. Walter. Ma'am. Integra: I'm saying this out of courtesy. If you've betrayed us, I will personally mount your head over a urinal in our men's room. That explains the third floor restrooms! Which are now... currently in the first floor restrooms. Alucard: Now, now now.
Before we start throwing around words,
like "betrayal" or "cucked", let's let Walter explain himself. I'm betraying you. Alucard: Aw, you cuck! Is he just using words he learned on social media again? Integra: You treasonous little dish-washer! After all these years, you're stabbing us in the back! And for what?! Walter: I'm just doing my job, ma'am. What you fail to understand is that I am a butler second, and a vampire hunter first. Omae wa dochira mou inai!
[You are neither!] Omae wa...!
[You are...!] Omae wa mou shindeiru.
[You are already dead.] Hai, omae da.
[Yes, you are.] Hai, omae da. Demo watashi wa?
[Yes, you are. But what am I?] YUMI!! Your gun looks ridiculo- [Bang] Heinkel [internally]:
Fuck! In ze fucking mouth?! How will I eat schwäbischer zwiebelkuchen?!
[onion and bacon pie] And drink Weihenstephaner hefe weißbier?!
[brand of wheat beer from Germany] And sing "Halt dich an deiner Liebe fest?!"
[German song by Rio Reiser] Is he telling me clean myself up? [Out-loud]
AT LEAST PAY MY CAB FARE, YOU MUTE SHIT-HEEL! Ma'am, are you alright? I'm fine! How is Yumi? Can we save her? Like... in Tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any. Damn him! DAMN HIM! He should have killed ME! Zhen Yumi and I could be together again. Forever. Were you two.. Were you two.. lesbia- Zhe bible says a Man should not lay with another MAN as he vould a voman. -Oh I get it..
-Yeah, that makes sense Wait, so it's kosher as long as I'm not fucking a dude in the vagina? Walter: Now with the chaff out of the way, How about we finish what we started fifty years ago? Hold that thought Walter. Integra. I want to hear you say it. I... NEED ...to hear it. FUCK HIM IN THE VAGINA! HEHE-HAH-HAH-HAH HAHA!! All right... But I'm gonna have to *make* one. Major [o-s]: Hold on a moment. Ze frauleins might want to take a step back! You're in zhe *splash zone!* Ya, I'm getting balls like a Smurf here. Come ladies. Let's let zhe boys have zheir fun. Seras, come. Seras: Master? Alucard: Go with Mommy Seras; Daddy's got work to do. Seras: Am I your child in this scenario? Alucard: Seras, our group relationship can best be summarized as tags on PornHub. Now go. Seras: Fine, *Dad.* And to you, Walter C. Dornez... ...thank you for the cannon. And thank you for your service... Seras Victoria. Seras: You're still a right bellend though. Schrodinger: Everyone aboard the SS Schutzstaffel, or as ve like to call it, the SS SS- [BANG!!] So, how are we gonna do this? You gonna come at me?
Should I come at you? Should we come together? Ooh, at the same time? Oh, you'll come. THEY ALWAYS COME!! Okay, at least make a joke about getting a HAAAAANDDDYYYY!!!! I feel like we're not on the same wavelength!!! Hmm.
Not inaccurate. Shhiiiiiit!! Hey, you ever heard of UP DOG? Not much, how about you? Alucard: First, you kill my dog, then you anti my fucking joke? Ah, fuck! "Wire" you getting so upset? Alucard: Okay. I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but your powers are bullshit! Major: Hold on is zhat... Oh, I know it, I know it... didn't we send him on a mission? Hmm.. That's one of the Valentines. Ah, the funny one who swore a lot! Aye, nein.
That was his bruder. I- I'm alive? Seems like things are Luke-ing up for this Valentine- Ah it was Luke. Ahhh. Time to put this dog on a leash. No, Mama, he was my dog, I'll do it! I'm sure you're wondering why I went through all of this.. Why I abandoned my home and duty, just to kill you. Oh, because you want to fuck me. Nazi soldier: Fire! Nazi soldier: You seems so angry, but you'd be so much prettier, if you smiled more. [deranged giggling] These fools die with a smile on their face. Their religion is death and carnage. A cult of nihilism. Then I'll be their fucking Kool-aid! Major: Fun Fact: in Jonestown it was actually mostly Flavor Aid.
A less popular competing brand. Let me assure you though, we are not here for cyanide und valium. Ve are here.. for glory! After the var, ve vere ousted und scorned. Nuremberg REALLY wanted to settle the score there. We lost our purpose, but worse- we lost our chance at za one true gift that could be awarded men like us.. a true gloryful death. Vithout glory our deaths would be meaningless. So in zis towering vall of civilization of peace und stagnation.. we had to break through! Little by little we carved away und finally! We could see our glory on zhe other side. There with vicious steel und crimson heart stood Hellsing! So danke schoen dear frauleins for finally giving us the happy ending we so desperately craved. From our majestic glory hole. Integra: And there it is. Pip [o-s]: Hey, I give it an 8 out of 10. Pip? Was that Pip? Oh, sweetie, no. Pip's dead. I swear I just heard him. Hmm? Maybe it was that guy. I kind of doubt it...? Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out if my sword will fit in the Major's glory hole. Do me a favor and clean up the rest of this mess. Mmm. Fucking... Nazis about everything! Seras: You wouldn't happen to be French, would you? Uh-uh. Didn't think so. Did you just shoot me with a- Oh, motherfucker! ♫ Rob Zombie - Werewolf, Baby! ♫ Fuck me jogging. He's a He's a
NAZI-FUCKING-WEREWOLF?!! ♪♫ Pip was right.
This is SO much worse. Pip: I'd call him a wolf in sheep's clothing, but he's dressed like a Nazi so... Seras: He's a fucking Nazi! Also.. hi?! Pip: ça fait longtemps, ma chère!
[Long time, no see, my dear!] Pip? Why are you- When you took my blood you had my consent.
Thus, I am part of you now, Seras. Seras: So... you're finally inside of me. How does it feel? [Pip chuckles suggestively]
Let's put a pin in that. First, let put down "Kibbles and Bitch" over there. So he's also a ghost?
What the fuck?! Pip: Allons, ma chère!
[Come now, my dear!] The only way to kill a werewolf is a silver bullet. Ugh, that's a shame.
I left all me silver bullets back home. Literally. There's another way, but... it's pretty gross. Oh, my God. Welcome to the first White National Bank of the Schutzstaffel. Gold.. silver.. copper from air conditioners...
and they think they are too big to fail. But all we have to do is shove *that* in his heart. Then it's time I showed this "Nazi Werewolf in London" where he can stick it!
["An American Werewolf in London" reference] He hit you!
What are you going to do about it?! HIT 'IM HARDER!!! Pip: Holy shit, it's almost as big as my love for you. Seras: You mean your erection? Pip: That is what I call it, oui. Sorry. Sorry.
This Red Riding Hood Sorry.
This Red Riding Hood BITES! Sorry.
This Red Riding Hood BITES! BACK!! Pip: Très désolé, Grand Méchant Loup!
[Very sorry, Big Bad Wolf!] Huff and puff and blow me! [Cartoonishly high-pitched cry] Huff and puff and blo--
That was the best you had? I had one for Red Riding Hood, but then you said yours. Good, yours was probably gross anyway. Also, get out of me boob! But there's so much space in here! 'Course... It always has to be about you, doesn't it? Your constant need for validation? For attention. Like a screaming child. To think someone so juvenile could be so powerful.. Sickens me to my core. Which is exactly why one must spare the child and spoil the rod. Wait...! Alucard: After all these years you finally get to stick it in me... ...and you put it in the wrong hole. Walter: DGH!! Walter: DGH!!
AUGH!! Alucard: Oh look at you. You've gone from Daddy to *daddy~* and all because you wanted this! And here it is folks! The return of... [In a younger voice]
Bite your fucking tongue! Alucard: Jolly-Wally! Oh, how many years has it been? Fuck you, that nickname was never clever! Alucard: Oh Jolly-Wally doesn't like his nickname? Jolly-Wally's being a sad lad! Fuck! Alucard: Ah, but if only we have the opportunity!
Could have avoided all the sexual tension and treachery. Excuse me? Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: (In a young female's voice)
Ahn! Walter-san! Daisuki Desu!
[Ahn! Mister Walter! I love it very much!] Hehe-haha!! [Normal voice]
You know, I mean, unironically. Walter: Cut it out... That's right, it's a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass! Am I.. moé enough for you? Why can't you take this seriously?! Because that's what you want! And I'm not going to give it to you! That or my pussy. But really you're dodging a bullet there. Rows of teeth. For the love of- Like a shark! Aaagh!!!
"Like a shark"
Sorry gents looks like you made it 23 whole days but that goal is still out of reach.
Female Alucard is great.
Also female Alucard looks like basically everyone from Kakegurui and would fit in perfectly.
Okay I know everyone's talking about Girlcard, but really, can we get a shout out to all the other memorable moments?
-Traitus Hellsing and his sunglasses goons
-"You're already dead" "No u"
-The Major casually correcting them about Jonestown and then talking about how they already basically already won
-Smoking Verbotten
-Pip being in Seras' boob, also, Pip being back
"But Walter doesn't live in the dungeon; he lives under the stairs".
That, on the beginning, was footage from the '01 series, right?
Also:
"Holy shit, it's almost as big as my love for you. You mean your erection? That is what I call it."
"I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but ya powers are bullshit."
You heard it here folks. Alucard, the r/whowouldwin shitstomper, thinks Walter's powers are ridiculous.
"~Oooooh Walter-san."
I have never needed something so much and not known it til now. For awhile the episode felt weak and I wasn't sure how they were going to finish it. Then multi-parter. And Girlycard being amazing. This was so awesome.
Did Alucard say anything this episode that couldn't be taken as a sexual innuendo?
Bitches Love Cannons.