Have I Got News for You S62 E6

[Music] [Applause] good evening welcome to have i got news for you i'm victoria cory mitchell in the news this week in the midlands one train driver is unaware of just how far behind scheduled they are with the construction of hs2 [Laughter] the world's most important people meet up in glasgow one man begins to wonder whether his invitation was delivered next door and in michigan a food manufacturer admits that some crystal meth may have been knocked into their mayonnaise mixing vats on ian's team tonight as a journalist who once said if you tell people that they're wrong then they stop listening to you which makes hosting a quiz a bit of a challenge please welcome helen lewis on paul's team tonight is a comedian who once performed a shakespeare play set in a shoe shop the reviews weren't great but it was fantastic for all the actors involved to get that training for working in a shop please welcome maisie adam we begin with the bigger news stories of the week ian and helen take a look at this well this is last week's story absolutely no new sleaze allegations coming out this week as i can see yes that's the house of lords uh that'll be a knighthood thank you very much your peerage thank you very much sir two peerages now we're talking three peerages and would you like to be commissioner for standards i can throw that in oh talking of low standards here he comes so jeffrey cox arriving for his second job as an mp so this is sleaze which you know just hasn't gone away you'd think we'd get over it and the public's not interested i mean the government's saying move on nothing to see do you have a favorite terrible second job because i've been kind of reading through trying to decide which one i think is really just the grubbiest the lowest and the grubbiest okay go for it i think ian duncan smith and the hand sanitizer is my favorite one now ian duncan smith it's a consultancy for a hand sanitizing firm an alcohol-free hand sanitizer yes can't even drink it he thinks presumably they need somebody with um well dirtiest hands possible and he was the he was the best candidate by a mile do you know about philip dunn he worked for an aerospace company former minister of defense and working for an aerospace company he has constantly pushed for more spending on military matters good grief that's just because he cares about aerospace in the same way that owen patterson just cared very deeply about milk standards i used to think that was a gap and a confection of shelves i'm not going to explain it but if well first of all you've got to time that laugh on a calendar and the applause was deeply patronizing thank you very much you've made my christmas we saw jeffrey cox in the footage there what's his other job what isn't his other job i mean he's taken a nearly a million pounds in a year for giving advice to a tax haven which wasn't have you thought about paying some tax it's the only advice really you need to give to a tax haven um and he just seems to have done an enormous amount i mean he was sort of clocking in 30 hours a week on top of allegedly his main full-time job as an mp and he issued this magnificently pompous statement where he said sir jeffrey cox doesn't think he's done anything wrong actually so jeffrey cox is very happy and also you can't get to jeffrey cox he's got a massive majority so sir jeffrey cox says there was a headline that said brazen cox which i thought would be a great drag name but not a great barbecue it's not against the rules though is it to have two jobs it it's well again it's um he does appear to have broken a number of rules you're allowed to do two jobs but you're not really allowed to do the second job in your office in parliament and one of the newspapers caught him conducting a zoom meeting for his other job um while he was in parliament and then the bell went and he got he had to go and vote for the sake how annoying is that there's an alternative view though isn't there the international trade secretary anne-marie trevelyan yeah yes expressed what alternative view about second jobs she rather unfortunately said that mps having second jobs added a richness to parliament which is is one of the few true things said this week see i think they should all be made to have second jobs but they can't earn more than 10 pounds an hour oh yeah beautiful yeah listen to trouble is can you i mean chris grayling's one of these mps who takes quite a lot of money from a ports company if he turned up as your care assistant i mean you'd long for the sweet release of debt i mean for balance i feel i should point out kia stammer has also made money working as a barrister is he relevant enough for that to matter oh and boris johnson has faced anger from mps on all sides how has he responded to that by refusing to apologize and not admitting that he'd done anything wrong and staying away yes yeah he said he had to visit a hospital maternity ward probably when boris johnson was ready to robustly defend the country what did he say about britain it wasn't corrupt he did he stated britain is not a corrupt country yes and this is classic the prime minister he thinks if he says it it's true whereas we all think the opposite i think the fact that he says it reminds me charlie brooker once said imagine if you moved into a new home and some people knocked on the door and said hello we're your non-dogging neighbors how did the environment minister george useless eustace uh describe how did he describe the commons debacle over the owen patterson business was it storming a teacup it's just a storm in the teacup he said on times radio the prime minister is very loyal and doesn't like being bounced into doing the wrong thing no he does the wrong thing voluntarily what did mr johnson not rule out in terms of owen patterson's future membership of the house of lords which would be suitable punishment for lobbying i know incredibly i mean it's still on the cards i'd personally think it won't happen because you need about three million quid to get into the house of lords now and i just don't think patterson's got the money ian that's very unfair some of those tory treasurers simply happened the money just fell out of their pockets into the conservative funds as they were doing the great philanthropy that meant they landed in the lords yes but it is funny that just being treasurer of of the conservative party and giving three million quid got all of them a peerage i mean you would think they bought it i mean obviously i didn't think that because you know i want to stay out of jail i don't terribly it was found that a series of treasurers had donated three million pounds and got peerages but the house of lords is a marvelous institution and it's not knocking because there's some wonderful people in there who knows about lord wolfson of trediga i mean he made a wonderful contribution to cultural life i watched a very strange speech he gave in which he fantasized about what would happen where a normal gentleman on the beach taking an erotic photograph of his wife and someone happened to be breastfeeding in the back and he caught her nipple in his photograph would it then be committing a crime and you thought you've given this a lot of thought let's just delve into that a little bit more deeply so some people said if a woman's breastfeeding a child you shouldn't take a picture um without her wanting it well lord wolfson couldn't stand for that because what if what if a man was taking a photo of his own wife on the beach for his own gratification and might unintentionally include a shot of a woman he didn't know with her breast out suckling i mean it's true i mean during the summer you can barely get into the sea for women breastfeeding their kids you just think don't you you could have just given it to one person to proofread before i don't know mate i feel i'd maybe take the bit out about getting off on your wife that's what i thought was romantic the idea of taking you thought that was romantic yeah i went taking a picture of his wife for his own gratification it was it was this suckling that i i stopped thinking about that lord just just lean up against the pier a little bit more darling i want to get the donkey derby in the background [Laughter] why thanks to another lord do we not know as much as we might know about the awarding of hundreds of millions of pounds of covert testing contracts it's lord bethel he deleted some whatsapp messages from his phone to free up space sure previously he was a junior health minister he hadn't been able to show the messages because his phone was lost uh and it was also broken and defective um and then he said he'd given that phone to a member of his family and bought a different oh my god it's a nice present isn't it for a member of the family it's a defective broken old phone which is also lost and they've got to find it for themselves four excuses about not producing the whatsapp messages i mean do we think he had something to hide well the other option is that his phone is full of something else that he just doesn't want people to see hundreds of photos of suckling for his own gratification how was nadine doris embarrassed this week she woke up she's introducing a bill to reduce online media abuse yes she said you know you've got to stop this sort of online abuse of people it's actually terrible and then someone found an old tweet where she'd um directly message james o'brien on lbc and called him a [ __ ] that's not an old family name he's not one of the one of the [ __ ] of hampshire and i think people drew the conclusion that perhaps the minister for culture i know it makes me laugh thinking of it um shouldn't be directly abusing a journalist on a radio program for disagreeing with her it's so stupid as well to dm somebody like when i get trolled on twitter it's somebody who doesn't have their picture on on their twitter and their their handle is something completely like non-descript or giving any clues to who they are but when you've got a dm from nadine doris they're smiling away verified tick you can't really go oh it wasn't me it must have been a fake account well someone sent me an unbelievably rude pigeon did he sit on your windowsill sticking two feathers up i just ignored him i just said you're blocked and i pulled this up a lot of uk uh politicians are getting flack at the moment but let's spare a thought for the dutch politician janis boy can you guess what happened to him yes i should think people are making fun of his name being janus probably saying what does the j stand for what i'm [Laughter] jaina's boy at the dutch mp had an unfortunate problem with one of his election posters it was some of the letters were bleached out so we can just have a look in the old days that used to be a card in a news agent's window this is the revelation that an increasing number of conservative mps have more than one job in 2015 geoffrey cox claimed expenses for a 49 p bottle of milk 2 pounds worth of tea bags and 4.99 for weedkiller he was making a nice cup of tea for nick clegg at the time also this week dutch politician janis boy has found that his election pictures have been defaced either that or marvel have almost run out of superheroes are you gonna ask about the pissed mps going to gibraltar yeah that was a good story three mps two smp one labor all got so leathered in either the ba lounger on the plane that the labour one had to be taken off in a wheelchair uh the scottish ones carried on through uh paul and maisie yes the big environmental story of the week excellent oh uh right well what do we think that is it's harrowing that's what it is it is that was last week wasn't it halloween [Laughter] well judging by the two small potatoes they've been giving us as a clue because somebody in the program thinks we're probably a bit thick and work it out is that a massive potato yes did you not hear about the massive potatoes no i didn't know he's been named doug doug um dog the massive potato yes he was because he was dug up by colin and donna craig brown weighing a healthy 7.8 kilograms here's colin describing the amazing moment i got the fork and jabbed into it and hoiked it out of the ground and holy snap and turtle teeth what's going on here what is it i said to don i said that it's a potato and she went no i said yeah it what do is think doug's owners have done with him subsequently doug's only oh well his parents he's parents they've dressed him in a hat no and they take him for walks no that's not taking him for walks that's taken a trolley for a walk that's got a potato on it who is this bad news for do you think the second biggest potato in the world there you go oh no [Applause] oh yes it was a title held proudly in britain peter glazebrook the second biggest potato in the world is called peter glazebrook peter glazebrook is the proud grower oh okay the second biggest potato five kilograms yeah but he can be comforted in the knowledge that he still holds what he still holds a potato oh he's got the world's record for the world's largest cauliflower let's have a look at it there you go oh my gosh well i'm not sure that's a cauliflower i think that's him doing a can can dance so that was a lovely story and now let's talk about the end of the world what's the other environmental thing that's going on well obviously the big conference in glasgow uh china and america have agreed to cut some emissions and someone who didn't do that is joe biden he farted in front of camilla i love this story so much which only seems to be the best thing that's ever happened to her she seems delighted by it i mean a source told the daily whale it was long and loud and impossible to ignore camilla hasn't stopped talking about it [Applause] [ __ ] miller i'm not surprised she's not stopped talking about imagine how boring some of her days are and then she goes and meets joe biden and you just sort of see him lean to the side thinking it's going to be quiet and it's just i thought it was the queen's birthday it's only like a 21-gun salute what did barack obama say about scotland he was like one of those rock stars that kind of go hello wembley and they're in you know glasgow he said he loved being in the emerald isle oh not just that he said since we're in the emerald isle here let me quote the bard william shakespeare again just hand your speech to someone else before you go out there and what has liz trust been doing to show how energy efficient she is she's having pictures of herself taken somewhere yes here she is in thailand oh my god what wasn't she photographed doing she wasn't photographed when she met richard ratcliffe the husband of nazanin zagari ratcliffe he's on hunger strike she didn't want there to be a picture of her telling a desperate starving heartbroken man that she's failed yet again to do anything why would she duck that photo i mean they're there saying oh we can persuade china and russia to cut emissions we can manage outside europe you can't get a housewife on a plane back to her family after six years and you can't even get off your motorbike and explain why not what does anyone know has john press got to be doing to uh battle climate change he's turned from two jags into no jags he doesn't drive any jags anymore which i think is an incredible target because he's done that within 40 years he also said that he's been doing his bit of the planet by eating at a chip shop which according to mail online uses energy-efficient fryers yeah those monkfish this is the news that the world's largest potato has been discovered in new zealand we've come a long way since then since dark has started to go mouldy and smelly he's been placed in a freezer until he's ready to be turned into vodka which coincidentally are exactly the same instructions i've left in my funeral plan also this week the g20 continued in glasgow u.s congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez sampled iron brew for the first time stating i love it it's got pizzazz if your possesses that color i'd see a doctor and so to round two the one-armed bandit of news yes fingers on buzzers teams judging by the last real turning and revealing meghan markle it's a story about her there's a country a court case going on at the moment her in the daily mail are doing battling court and she just remembered the other day that she had asked brief some of her advisers to help somebody to write a biography i think it was and she'd forgotten to say that and then she remembered it and she had to apologize misleading the call yeah well it was one adviser wasn't it jason knauf her press guy jason canalf jason canalf jason canalf how do you know how to pronounce it where do you stand on dennis the menace and ganasha you're sympathetic to megan briefing somebody here i am a little bit it's tricky because they step back from the sort of public eye but then if you know that somebody's writing um untruths about you surely you should be able to kind of go i'll just set that right but also like i'm not anything to do with it i'm you know i'm not contributing the sort of subject it's not about truth or not truth this particular case this is about the privacy of of her letter so it's not whether it's true no this isn't for the biography well this what also came out was the fact that she had said that she they had not cooperated at all with this biography finding freedom but mysteriously enough it was the one bit of incredibly intimate detail about them they hadn't complained about or threatened to sue over and it slightly gave away the game that they were okay with it people really want to believe that this biography just came from nowhere these two people just had all this information they wrote it up just like diana's book where there was a biography of her by andrew morton and everyone said god how on earth did andrew morton know all this stuff because diana gave him all the information this is how the royal family operate and then this week prince harry comes out and says it's appalling i mean people are dishonest they tell lies your wife's just apologized to the appeal court for misleading the court you cannot have it both ways do you think she wrote that letter than intending it to be leaked he had a conversation with the aide about how it would read if it was leaked and whether she should put the word daddy into it and whether it would pull the heart strings when it would leak i must say i think that's not quite fair she's thinking right well on the one hand i want to write to my father on the other hand he is almost certainly going to sell it to someone should i get a bit of help making sure that if it is leaked it comes out right she should have put a few obvious crazy lies in there like the duke of edinburgh did cut the brake cables in the car i do not think i know who did 9 11. yeah but the thing is with meghan markle they wouldn't go oh that's clearly a light they'd go meghan markle did 9 11. that's what they'd go with you you just can't have it both ways harry's saying it's appalling that the lies that have been told um and he's done a deal with netflix has he seen the crown unbelievable i mean he should he should i thought you meant then has he seen the crown like i think he knows what happens in the end yeah but you know his mother's best friend has just resigned from the crown saying they're telling a load of lies this is rubbish this program harry no i'll have 100 million thank you we are allowed to think they're a bit bogus he don't write the crown hurry he's not involved in the crowd no but he's taken 100 million from netflix who produced the crown this is what they call conflict of interest we can't lambast our own mps and say harry oh no no not him he's got a beard to be fair in other news who was said to have committed treason this week not prince andrew again hey no it's an artist 24 6 who who posted online a portrait done of her majesty did you see the portrait oh my she looks like a chihuahua the painting on the left there it looks a bit like alan johnson in drag he did print sandra as well you want to see yeah [Applause] oh he's like a thumb strangely true to life sticking with things that are offensive to the eye has anyone heard of steve goldman of huddersfield he's put something on display it's his collection yes of dreadful album covers oh brilliant steve has a collection of over 200 appalling record sleeves which are going to be exhibited in a huddersfield shopping center do you want to see something yes please yeah he's got uh jim post's magnificent i love my life [Applause] i thought it was a shrew that had attacked him the tantalizing oil and vinegar and the piece of resistance jean-pierre jumez's nimble fingers [Laughter] this is the latest in illegal row over whether or not meghan markle briefed the authors of the biography finding freedom finding freedom recounts the story of megan choosing her wedding tiara she tried on five tiaras and the queen said they all suited her adding could she just [ __ ] choose one because westfield was about to close meghan markle has been accused of using her royal title to lobby american politicians phoning them up and saying hello this is the duchess of sussex if i heard that i'd assume it was the pub saying i'd left without paying again time now for the messy words round and we start with dog's favorite tv shows include what and what naked attraction and squid game i just feel like there's the dog puns like game of bones that's good have i got shoes for you [ __ ] of the day much of the day too strictly come dogging there's no puns involved dog's favorite tv shows include the mandalorian and mr bean oh oh really though it was a genuine study to determine dog's favorite tv shows dogs generally prefer dramas to comedy sitcoms led to an increased rate of stress one episode of mrs brown's boys had them begging to be taken to the vet and put down next uk facing major what shortage this winter is it integrity uk facing major fake tan shortage this winter supply problems with a key chemical used in fake tan could lead to a shortage in the coming months according to suppliers the suppliers of fake tan could run out in december which means newcastle will be having a white christmas and finally richard desmond angry at being labeled what on wikipedia it's ex paul baron yes but the missing word is pornographer pornographer pornographer being called a pornographer isn't the most embarrassing thing in the article in 2010 you bought channel 5. it's good now though channel 5 it's good i see your caravan show was on channel 5 wasn't it yes it was but it was about motorhomes but thank you yeah we put the name motorhome in the title and we drove around in a motorhome for six programs but i can see why you thought it was a caravan a caravan that doesn't have an engine you tow the caravan has to be there the motorhome is a combined motor in a home and they can't think of what to call it so they decided on motorhome so the final scores are ian and helen have three points paul and maisie have six [Applause] but before we go there's just time for the caption competition man struggles to remember where he left large yellow farm vehicle is he just going i followed through fetch the pooper scooper and i leave you with news that one man realizes it may not have been the right moment to try and offload a couple of spare season tickets for yorkshire county cricket club after realizing he's allowed to have more than one job one man receives his 98th rejection email of the day and in london greg wallace quickly realizes he may have been a bit harsh while judging a local police cookery competition good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] heckle the night away stand up at its finest watch the latest episode of live at the apollo the new series now on iplayer so rod stewart and lady gaga are what friday nights are made for on bbc one with graham norton of course after the news at 10 35. [Music] [Applause]

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Length: 29min 3sec (1743 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 12 2021