Do you feel like when you
and Beena got married – - Yeah
- were people immediately like, “When are you guys having a kid?” Yes. People just, sort of, want
to rush your life along. Where you’re like,
“I’m still living and adjusting.” - Yeah.
- It’s hard. I think people feel like we all, sort of, want
the same things, right? Right. And then, like, as you
get older you’re like, “No, we all want life à la carte.” But didn’t you get to the point
where, like, as like comedians; performers – like,
we’re kind of pirates? - Yes.
- So whenever someone would come in and be like,
“These are the rules!” I’m like, “There’s no rules.
I’ve been at sea for a long time.” Yeah! - Right?
- I love that! - There’s just no rules!
- That’s great. - There’s no rules. We’re pirates.
- I love that. Yes! Oh my god. Did you
just come up with that? No, I’ve said that for a long time. That’s what I’m saying! “Now that you’re a father, what is your favorite baby gadget?” Okay. So... my favorite baby item is the– They have this thing called the– um, it’s called the
“Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit.” So, it’s like– It’s like this, like, sumo wrestling
suit you put the baby in, and it’s like a weighted blanket. So you put the– you open it up, you put the baby in it, and then they’re just completely… It’s like a straight jacket
meets, like, a sumo suit. But they’re just, like,
they’re weighted down, so they can’t move. But it’s awesome, like, they love it. Like the baby just, like,
falls asleep immediately. I don’t know if it’s being crushed, or… But, but I kinda do, like– I’m kind of envious
of it. I’m like, this is… I wish there was an
adult version of that. Do you know what I mean?
Like, you just get into this thing and then you just zip
it up and you fall asle– There’s an adult Baby Merlin? The weighted blankets? Should I get them? Do you have one? Your uncle has one? But I just– I’m really
envious of it, because, like, she has so much
structure to her life. Do you know what
I mean? Like, it’s a– She takes a bath before bed, then we read books to her, then she puts on this like... weighted sumo suit and she falls right to sleep. And, like, adulthood –
we don’t have any of those structure things, right? It’s like we all go to work,
and then you’re, like, “I’m gonna listen to
a murder podcast!” And then you go to bed. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, I just wish, I just wish, like, I– I had, you know–
I could take a bath, and then someone will be like, “Hey, Jim will read to you. How many books do
you want to read?” And then, someone zips me up in, like, a sumo suit, and I lay down and they just have a, like, a white noise machine. None of us sleep that way! No one here sleeps that way. I wish I had that much
structure in my life. “How many books do you want?” “I want...three.” Okay. “If you’re down by two with
ten seconds on the shot clock, who would you have
take the last shot: Kobe Bryant or LeBron James?” Kobe. Alright. I mean, he’s just more clutch. Uhhh… “If you had to have a co-host, who would it be and why?” Ummm… how about Phoebe Robinson? Phoebe Robinson! Hey! Hi! - Look at this.
- Oh my god! Look at this picture! Oh my god, this is so cute. Hi guys! You guys know Phoebe Robinson? Co-host; creator of 2 Dope Queens, So Many White Guys. She’s currently on tour. This is probably one of the
best tour names ever, her tour is called
Sorry, Harriet Tubman. And, um, this is just a fun fact
that I like: she grew up in Ohio. Yeah! Yeah, that’s about the right
sort of reaction for Ohio. You guys are like,
“Okay, we’ll take it.” Michelle Obama. You’re
BFFs with Michelle Obama. Me and Mich, I gotta tell ya. So, it is a true friendship. We have shared grilled
cheese sandwiches together. Yeah, like, and also, I am– so here’s the thing, I am lactose-intolerant, - Okay.
- Um, and so, like, me eating dairy is truly just like a fireworks
display ready to happen. But, when she was like, “Do you wanna have grilled cheese?” I’m like, I couldn’t say no. So I just ate it and just
held my fart the whole time. I was like, Wooow. You can’t fart in front of her! Yeah, you can’t say no! You can’t fart in front
of Michelle. That is– She– how many cities did
you guys do together? - We did five shows together.
- That’s crazy. It was cool. It was… We did two in the states,
and then three internash. And it was like, so–
that’s “international.” - Everyone’s like, “What?”
- But it was– It was so cool. It was so cool. I will say the, the funnest part was we did
do tequila shots together. With Michelle Obama? Yeah, that was pretty cool. After what? Like, after the show? It was after the show in... Stockholm. And we were just, like –
we were hanging out. So, we finished the show;
it was a great show. - Great show.
- Great show. - The crowd’s like–
- Everyone’s like– Applause break. Shots, shots, shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots, shots. And then– And then she was like, “So
what are you doing after this?” And I was, like, trying to play it cool so I was like, “I don’t know.
Like, what are you doing?” Like, trying to act like, “I’m biz,” like, I’m, like, not busy. - And so...
- Uh-huh. She was like, “Do you wanna hang out in the hotel after the show?” And I was just like,
“Yeah, that sounds cool.” Like, I’m totally, like, being so chill. And she was like, “Okay,
great. I’ll see you there.” And then I like ran into
the green room with, like, everyone, like, hair and makeup,
and we were, like, screaming. Just like, “We’re gonna
hang out with Michelle!” So that was, like, the most fun. ‘Cause she’s everything. And I have her number. Like, it is– Whaaat? It is so real, you guys. And I have it saved
under, like, a code name, so it’s, like, really, yeah,
you can’t get to it. You have no idea. - Ok, what was the one question
- Yeah. you wanted to ask her
that you held back on? I think the one question
that I wanted to ask her – we just never got around to it. So, I went to Zambia
for the first time, um– Actually, my first
time in Africa ever. And... Yes. One person. Yes. And she wrote about how
when she went to Africa for the first time, she, like, thought she
was gonna feel, like, this overwhelming, sort of, connectedness, but when
she was there, she was like, you know, like, “I’m, like, not African,” so it’s like– Like, you feel the blackness,
but you also, like, don’t. - Got it.
- So I really want to talk to her about that, but it’s just like– Did you feel that when
you went to Africa? I did, like, it was awesome,
but it was definitely like, “Oh, I’m African-American.” Like, you just, I don’t
know how to describe it. But you’re just like... You know, you go to Zambia, and they all– Like, they are the majority race there. - Yeah. Right.
- And, like, that’s not my life here. Could people– could people
tell that you’re from America? - Yes.
- Immediately?! Not immediately. But, I
think you could just, like– I think, you know– I had to, sort of,
work on myself because if you grow up in, like,
predominantly white, sort of, spaces– Right. You, like, sort of, have to, like, undo some of the
insecurities you might feel. But I feel like if you’re
growing up in Zambia around people
who look like you, and you are
considered the standard, there’s an inherent
sense of self-confidence that you just have. That I had to, like, work
on now that I got at 34, but I’m sure that they
were just, like, raised with it. Like you saw how
confident they were? Yeah. And just like–
They don't like– You know... like, sometimes I’ll like go
to a thing and I’ll be like, “What do white people think
if I, like, eat this thing?” Like they’re not thinking
about that at all. They’re just, like, eating, and living, and enjoying their lives
and, like, it’s a cool sort of mentality to have. - So that was awesome.
- That’s awesome. Yeah. Alright. Dream interview. Who would you love to interview that you don’t feel is
getting the recognition they deserve right now? ‘Cause you’ve got two podcasts. Ok. Who I feel doesn’t get
the recognition they deserve? Oh, that’s a great question. ‘Cause you’ve interviewed everybody. Yeah. That you’ve wanted
to, too, which is crazy. There’s one person I
haven’t interviewed yet, that I’ve wanted to, and I’ve tried and it has not worked out. It’s RuPaul.
Umm, Ru has twenty million jobs. Have you ever done
the slide in the DMs now that you’re
Blue Check verified? I... I will say this– Come on! No, I will say this– I’ve done it. I have done it. I’ve done it a couple times. Like, I remember I did it when, um, Big Little Lies first came out, and I just slid into
Reese Witherspoon’s DMs and I was like, “You’re so excellent on this show!” And then I, like,
didn’t hear from her, and then I later found out she, like, listens to So Many
White Guys podcast, which is, like, cool. But then I’ve also, like, you know– Do you guys watch
This Is Us with, like, the... Milo Ventimiglia, like, the - super hot guy on the show?
- Okay. That’s Gilmore Girls’
boyfriend right? Yes. And so when I– So I don’t even know– so Beena’s really into
Gilmore Girls, Milo– My-lo or Me-lo? - I call him My-lo.
- Milo. - Yeah.
- So Milo’s one of her – is one of her boyfriends. Yes. That’s what I know him as. Yes. So when everyone’s
going crazy, I’m just like, “Gilmore Girls’ boyfriend?” No, you gotta watch This Is Us. Like, it is, like, wow. And so when I was single, I was like, “I’m just
gonna shoot my shot.” And so, I watch an
episode of, like, This Is Us, I just, like, DM’ed him. Uh-huh. And I... Like, I think we were following
each other on Twitter, so I was like, “This is,
like, my chance.” - Right.
- And so then I was just like– - Uh-huh.
- I was like, “I’m gonna send you
a bill for all the Kleenex you made
me use from crying.” Listen! That is fucking cute, you guys. Woah, woah, woah. Did someone say “ew”? That is cute as hell. That’s cute. Thank you. Yeah, I thought that was great. Yeah. That’s very cute. And so he, like, wrote back,
he was like, “Ha ha.” And then… He wrote back? He wrote back! He wrote back. And then I was just like–
Damn. And I was like, “This is your chance,
you just gotta go for it.” And I was like, “You know, actually, I think I’m gonna be, like, in LA
in the next couple weeks if you wanna go, like, grab a drink.” never heard from him again. Ohhhh. It’s okay. I don’t need you, Milo. I’m in a relationship now. I’m good. But you got the response! I got the response. - And so, that felt good.
- Which is critical. Which is like– I also don't like– I know, I DM’ed Mark Ruffalo. I have yet to hear back. - Oh my god!
- Yeah! That’s a good one. I think he’s a great Hulk. I also, like, - I love his Twitter feed.
- Yes. Yessss. He has– Mark! Which camera
should I look to? Mark. To any of them. Mark, you are not busy now. Do it! Get back to me! - Yeah!
- Mark, get back to me. That’s so cold. Get back to me. Mark, get… And I didn’t know I was– I told you this backstage. Yes. I’ve known you for almost a decade. I know... And I have been
mispronouncing your name. But that’s on me. No, ‘cause I’d be like, “What’s up, Has-aan Min-aaj?” And that’s not your name! I know, but– You know what it is? It was just me taking the time to be like, “Alright. I should navigate this public image on my own terms.” ‘Cause I did a couple shows
and my mom was in the audience. And I’m like, “I’m Has-aan Min-aaj!” And then my mom was like, “What?” You know? And I’m just like– You know what I mean? I was like, you know,
like, the half-stepping. You know. I was just like– But I love Hasan. Yeah. - That’s better.
- Yeah. That’s how you say it? “Hasan?” It’s Hasan. But yeah. Yeah. Hasan. Yeah, that’s better. No, no, no. But what it is– I gotta re-train my tongue ‘cause this is the
new normal for me. It is. It is the new normal. But the thing that is also
super heartbreaking for me– I have a lot of Asian friends. Yeah.
Like from all of Asia, Southeast Asia– they’ll be like, “I have a Chinese name and I have an American name.” “I have a Korean name and
I have an American name.” And just–
I just got really– Like, I got on some, like,
Malcolm X shit, where I’m like, “Fuck that. Your name is your name.”
Right? That’s so true. Right? You know what I mean? That’s true. That’s true. Nobody’s like, “My name is Ryan, my
Indian name is Rabinder.” Like, they never– they’re never like… Or, but like, by
sheer population density, it should be, like, we
all have a Chinese name. It should be the opposite. Yeah. Right? It should be like, “Hey...I’m Jessica but my
Chinese name is Xiao Wen.” Like, it’s like, “Oh, okay. What’s up?” And then, by virtue of– - ah, alright. Whatever.
- Yeah. That’s– that was my thing. But um. This is from the audience. Okay. I love it. This is from Sydney. Is Sydney here? - Hi Syd!
- Okay. Sydney! Alright. This is actually a
really good question. “What’s your advice for
someone in their mid-twenties feeling a bit lost in their lives?” Oooh, Syd, that’s a great quest’– Um, I’m gonna– - Alright, can I just say– wait.
- I wanted that reaction! Wait, wait– 30 seconds. Fifteen second time-out. Phoebe Robinson is
the queen of slang. Like– You have your own language. Yeah, it’s ignorant. Um, but I have it. I fully embrace it’s so ridiculous. Okay so...mid-twents,
I will say, are very... It’s tricky because you’re sort of, like– Early twenties you’re like, “Oh whatever, like,
I just graduated college,” or, “I’m just, like, I got
done with my gap year. I’m, like, loving life.” And then you hit, like, 25/26 and you’re like, “Oh, life is, like, not a game.” You know what I mean? So there’s that shift where
you feel where you’re like– You feel like, “Maybe I should have
everything figured out…” “Maybe I’m not doing
the right career thing...” “Maybe I’m dating the wrong person…” And this is what I will say, like: I hit my thirties and
you’re kind of, like, “LOL, no one knows
what they’re doing.” Like… No one knows– Like, you’re just figuring it out
as you go whether it’s, like, you’re figuring it out
how to be a parent, or you’re figuring out
how to be an office manager, or you’re figuring
out how to be married. It’s like, all these things – you’re never gonna
have it fully figured out and life is truly just
the process of doing it. There is no like, “Okay. I’m 50. I’ve mastered
life and now I can chill.” Like, there’s always
gonna be something. So, I think A) if you can, like, let
yourself off the hook, that’s huge. ‘Cause I love to beat
myself up and be like, “You’re not doing this
right or this right.” And then I think the biggest thing I – I really learned is the word “should” is not a great, like, word to have
in your vocabulary. Where you’re like, “I should have this
much money at this age.” “I should have this
sort of job at this age.” “I should, you know, be a parent,”
if you don’t want to be a parent. I think the word
“should” sort of, like, puts these, sort of,
societal pressures on you and you're, sort of, thinking, “This is how I should live,” as to how you want to live. And I think those are two
very different things. And so you gotta figure out, like, - what you want...
- Damn. ...and then go after that! - Yeah.
- You’ve been sitting on that. No, I’ve just been– Did you just riff that? Yeah, of course I did! I riffed it all the way! - That was great.
- But I really did– - That was really good.
- Sort of, like, I think that, like– I’ve really been thinking
about it a lot because my boyfriend and I decided,
like, we don’t want to have kids.
Mm-hmm. And, I’m going to turn 35 this year. Yes, thank you! Is that same person who
woo-ed for Africa? I love you. But, you know, I’ll tell people,
“Oh, I don’t want to have kids.” They’re like, “Oh, you
should just freeze your eggs just in case you change your mind.” And it’s like, I just said I don’t want to have kids. Right. That’s the whole conversation. Not like, “Oh, well, you should... you’re gonna want to
feel like a mom later.” It’s like, I don’t. I’ve fully thought about
it a long time to be, like– Right. “I don’t want to be a mom.” Uh-huh. And so, society is sort of, like, “Everybody wants to be a parent.” And not everyone does. Or, like, you parent in different ways. Like, maybe my podcasts are
my children – just kidding. I hate when people– I hate when people are like,
“My plants are my kids.” I’m like, “They’re not.” But, like, you parent or
you can teach or mentor in other ways than,
like, having something come from you and share your DNA. - You know?
- Totally. That’s beautiful. Thanks. Why is everyone up in
your business, though? - Because–
- Why are people do– ah, that’s whack. It’s, like, one of those things– I think that’s super whack! Do you feel like when you
and Beena got married – - Yeah
- were people immediately like, “When are you guys having a kid?” Yes. People just, sort of, want
to rush your life along. Where you’re like,
“I’m still living and adjusting.” - Yeah.
- It’s hard. I think people feel like we all, sort of, want
the same things, right? Right. And then, like, as you
get older you’re like, “No, we all want life à la carte.” But didn’t you get to the point
where, like, as like comedians; performers – like,
we’re kind of pirates? - Yes.
- So whenever someone would come in and be like,
“These are the rules!” I’m like, “There’s no rules.
I’ve been at sea for a long time.” Yeah! - Right?
- I love that! - There’s just no rules!
- That’s great. - There’s no rules. We’re pirates.
- I love that. Yes! Oh my god. Did you
just come up with that? No, I’ve said that for a long time. That’s what I’m saying! I’m not just like– That’s why I’m envious. You know how we all have those
friends that are just funny? Yes. Yeah. That are just, like, funny
off the top of the– - Am I me?
- You know what I’m talking about. You’re like that. But I’m also– I feel like… I’m a low-budget Oprah. I always say I’m, like, the
Nordstrom Rack version of Oprah. So I feel like I’m just, like, - always thinking about–
- That’s– - you know.
- but that’s dope, though. Yeah, I’ll take it. Yeah, super accessible.
Yeah. “Why are so many white
guys running for president?” I know. I’m feeling that way too and I’m like, “Enough! We- we’re done with it.” What do you mean, “We’re done with it”? I just– I just don’t want to
see another white guy, like, dryly announce, like, “I am… I’m throwing
my hat into the ring…” You’re like…. I’m like, “Get your fuckin’
hat and get outta here.” I don’t… - Yeah.
- Alright. No new friends. Yeah. Alright. Alright, this is from Ayesha Kahn. Yeah? Five minutes? - You being for real?
- Ooooh! Eddie, we’re just– We’re just getting started! You know how many
touchdown dances she’s done? We’ve done, like– She’s done, like, her three… Um, “If you could be president
for a day, what would you do?” President for a day. Okay, president for a day. Can you do some triflin’ things in addition to, like,
actual good things? Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.
- So… You can do something– - Here, this is the game.
- Okay. You can something fucking
awful and then pardon yourself. Okay. So just do it! I’m gonna say: This is not awful, but this is controversial. So I think I’m gonna change the national anth’, um, to a U2 song. Okay. So, no one’s on board
with that, but I’m gonna do it. And then, I think the good thing that
I would do would be, like… There’s so many things. Oh, my god. There’s, like, women’s rights. There’s, like, reproductive rights. There’s, like, immigrant– everything is a shitshow right now. Okay. Okay, can I combine
it with this next one? Yes. In honor of the live-action
remake of Aladdin, - Okay.
- You get the magic lamp. You get three wishes. Okay. So, now you can put it into that. Okay. Three wishes. - First–
- And you know the rules: You can’t wish for more wishes. Okay. That was very smart of you. Okay. No, it’s from the movie. I didn’t– I didn’t– I’m telling you! I have to, like, prepare
stuff in advance. Go ahead. Okay, I think the first
one would be, um, eradicate all student
debt because I think– Yeah. Um, because we’re raising a
nation of people to be in debt and be fearful of not being able
to live the lives they want to live. And also, like, education
should not make you poor. You should get richer mentally
and financially from education. So, I think that’s trash. Um, I think reproductive rights. I, I think white dudes, for sure,
cannot fucking say anything. Okay. And then, I’m also gonna say: Some white women,
I’ve been watching you, and you also part of the problem, so you’s damn well can’t say anything. Um– Okay. So they’re part of– That’s part of Wish Two, right? Yeah, that’s part of Wish Two. That’s part of Wish Two. And then Wish Three would be... Oh, my god, I just think– Make this one fun. Make
this one, like, really fun. Oh, make it fun. Okay. You know how, like, in middle school there’d be, like, a person
running for class president? They’re like, “Pizza
every third Wednesday!” - Do that.
- Okay. This is a fun wish. Oh, a fun wish. Oh, my god. No more Spanx. - If you got a belly,
- No more Spanx? just let the belly out. Free the Belly. Okay. People wanna– We wanna free the nipple; I wanna free– This is– I’ve earned this belly
through carbs and not working out but watching The Rock work out on Instagram. So, I feel like I’ve earned this belly. Why do we– Why do we love that? I love– Why do I love following
The Rock on Instagram? He’s so– His diets are truly nuts when he’s like, “This is my cheat day,” so he has like 100 cookies. Yeah. And you’re like– But he’s– But, he’ll do it in front of a laptop– Yes! And so– So, I’m like, “Why is he in prison?” I know. He’s The Rock! He’s, like, a kajillionaire
and he’ll be like, “Today’s my day!” Yeah. And then he’ll eat 100
cookies in front of a laptop. I know. Like he’s a sophomore in college. “My roommate’s not home, so I’m gonna watch
Netflix and eat cookies!” I’m like, “You’re The Rock.” He lives in Florida. His house must be fucking huge. - He lives in Florida?
- Yeah, he lives in Florida. - I didn’t know that!
- He’s gonna be our president. - I don’t know…
- He’s going to be our president! - I don’t think he should do it.
- He’s jacked. - No.
- He’s biracial. He’s For The Troops. - He’s everything America is.
- Okay. - He’s gonna be our president.
- Okay. That’s true. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t know if that’s good or bad but he’s gonna be our president. “If you could do an
episode of Patriot Act, what topic would you pick?” Oooh… Like, The Phoebe Rob– I get sick. This is The Phoebe Robinson– And I get to be here– I get to be like,
“Guys! Listen here! We’re– Just– Guys! Guys! Guys!” Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah... I got– I got– That was a pretty good impression. - I know it.
- “Guys!” “Look at my kicks, guys!” Oh, my god. Oh, god. - Alright, go ahead.
- The Phoebe Robinson episode– Yeah, please. Oooh… I think I would want to do an episode entirely about black women’s hair. Like, I think that– - Like, we need–
- That’s dope. - We need to dive deep.
- Uh huh. We need to, like– And it would just be, like,
a roundtable with, like, me, like, Angela Bassett,
and just, like, a bunch of - bomb-ass black women.
- Damn. That’s cool. And we’re breaking
it the fuck down. And it’s just, like, everyone’s, like, hair journey because I think
we all, like, need to hear that. Because it’s a thing, like, we– Are there any black women here? Yeah. [Laughs] You know when you’ve watched, like, a Youtube tutorial
video and you’re like, “Oh, I can’t recreate that at all.” Like, you think you can
do it ‘cause they, like put on some Erykah Badu
and they’re just like, “Mmm hmm hmm,
your curls are poppin’.” That’s, like, not it. So I really want to just, like, have this moment where we
can truthfully talk about: This is black women’s hair.
This is how you get it amazing. So, I think that would be my dream. That’d be an amazing episode. Yeah. That’d be fun. Phoebe Robinson, everybody! Let her hear it! You're the best.
Thank you so much. That was so great. Thank you.
