“Was it a tough decision to go back
to the original pronunciation of Hasan? I wrote my college essay on my name,
so I thought it was super interesting.” Oh wow, that’s heavy. This is from, this you, Prav? (No, it’s me.) You wrote your whole college essay– my lookalike? Yeah, but what’s– Is your name Prav? That’s it? (It’s Pravish, but I go by Prav, yeah.) Yeah. (I never know what to do about that–) So, what do you do? (The American pronunciation
or like, the Indian one.) So what do you do,
you hit it with the full– (I say– I say, “Prav,” yeah.) (It’s kinda like, Americanized.) For me it was like this– like, I remember when I first started comedy. At the first open mics, there was this host–
you’d write your name down and he’s like, “Look man nobody’s gonna be able to
pronounce this, you gotta change your name.” And I legit thought it was like a real thing. He’s like, “Come on man, you think there’s
a guy named Jamie Foxx, he changed his name.” And he did. So for like, two months,
I would go to open mics and I was Sean. And I’m like, “Dude, what am I doing?” Legit I was like, “I’m Sean, right?” Yeah. Like, “Hey what’s up guys, I’m Sean,” right? And then I remember,
I kept trying to negotiate, right? So I was like,
Hasan, people can pronounce Hasan. And um, I don’t know, it just got weirder and weirder. You know, I met so many people, um,
a lot of people even in the Southeast Asian community you’ll have people who are like, “This is
my Chinese name, this is my American name.” But I’m like dude,
“Fuck that. Your name’s your name.” And then there’s people like
in my community like, there’s Bobby Jindal. I’m like, “Bro, your name’s not Bobby.” Your name’s Pyush, right? But he went from Pyush and he just took a
hard right and he’s like, “Ahh, can’t do that– Bobby.” It was like, we had like,
an uncle in our community, his name was Iqbal. But then one time he picked up
his cellphone and he’s like, “Hello this is Alex.” And I’m like, “Who the fuck is Alex?” And um, but I would always have
that like open mic host in my head, like, “Oh, you gotta do it to make it,”
and all that stuff. And I remember being at Ellen, and my parents
drove down from Sacramento to be there. Like, Mom and Dad are sitting there–
I’ve been doing comedy fifteen years. And Ellen’s just like, “Hey Hasan!” And I looked in the audience, and my mom’s,
like, kinda sitting right where you guys are. She kinda cringed. You know, she left the VA,
checked out of work, “Hey, I’m sick.” Drives down to see her son on
Ellen and she’s like, “Hasan Minhaj.” And my mom who gave
me that name is just like, “Eugh.” And I’m like, dude what am I doing? Like, I have a show with my fuckin’ name
on it and I’m still being like, “It’s with Sean!” You know? And so I was like, “Alright, Ellen,
just let’s do this right now.” ’Cause we can pronounce Timothée Chalamet,
so we’re gonna do this right now. And so, you know, I just had her do it. And uh, I didn’t know it would be
this like, viral moment or whatever. But I remember my dad when we
drove home, he was super pissed at me. He’s like, “Hasan, you wasted your chance.
You had seven minutes with her, for four minutes you’re
correcting her. Why are you doing this?” And I think that’s like the big difference between
our generation and our parents’ generation. They’re always trying to survive. (Mhm.) And I mean survival is the thing
so just go by whatever she calls you. And that’s cool, I think when Dad, you know,
when he came in ’82 he survived for us. But I’m trying to live. I mean I’m trying to like, “Yo,
Muhammad Ali, say my name. Like, say it.” So, I’m gonna go on Ellen, the most American
show ever, and make you hit all the syllables. I mean that’s like… “What is one government secret you would want
to F.O.I.A. – Freedom of Information Act?” Damn. Who submitted this? There’s no name
on this, which is, like, super weird. There’s no name, seriously. It’s just like– It’s just like– UFOs? (It’s not me, but... I’d do that.) You, you don’t– (No, do an episode on it!) Do an episode on UFOs? You want me to full on go Alex Jones? (Yeah– it’s not a joke, man.) You believe in it? Look at the details? You’re like, “Check all the websites.” “UFOsarereal.com, check that one out.” No, no, no, but for real– The military. Yes. No, I'm not gonna turn
on you, I believe it. Yeah, for sure. (The New York Times did it, man.) The New York Times did a thing on– did a thing on UFOs? Is that true? No, don’t pull out your phone,
you're not supposed to do that. Recently? (Like last week, six months ago, all the time.) All the time?! That is not all the time.
No way, it’s not all the time. (Check it out, check it out.) (I'm dead serious.) Is that real? Hang on, hang on. Because the way
you’re saying it is super real. (There was a recent article.) Say what? In The New York Times? (Yup.) And what was the take? Like what was the... (I only read the title.) Oh, my god. What did it say? Does anyone know? (The Coast Guard...) (They are claiming that people
who are stationed,) (obviously at sea,
that they see UFOs passing,) (and so they have documentation of it.) (But it’s kind of like when people
have documentation of Nessie.) (Is it real? Who knows.) What do you think? Yeah. Why are you saying it like, you’re like,
“Why would anyone ever–?” (I mean, that. But also, like,) (you're in the Coast Guard, right?
You're like, stuck at sea.) Oh, you think they’re just making it up? (Yeah, right? ’Cause you can get the–) No, I think it's real,
I think it's real. I'm with him. I think it's real.
Why wouldn't they– My thing is though,
I don't think they’ve come here yet, but there’s definitely aliens. They’re here? Come on, dude. Where are they?
What do you think, like, where are they? (Here. Next to me.) (It’s not a joke, man.) What do you think–
Is he– How are you guys related? Son? (My mom.) What do you think when
he starts doing this in public? Like, come on. (He has a lot of...) (He’s done a lot of research, so...) (There’s proof, dude.) Alright, so what’s the move, dude?
Like, so, they’re here, and then what? (Yo, we don’t care.) (We live, we die in a
hundred years, no big deal.) (They’re here for the
long term. Human species.) Wait, what? (We’re short-term beings!) Dude, I think you’ve been smoking
janjaweed. What is going on, dude? They’re just– they’re just waiting
for us to die is what you’re saying? (No, no, no–) What a long play. - Huh? - The aliens? Next question. Alright. “What would be the way you would
dictionary-depict an Indian fuckboy?” This is from Preeti. Um, I don’t know, it’d be like– it’d be like, uh, someone you know,
who’s, like, with like a lined up beard, and, they’re, like, really into sneakers, and... and into black culture, and, uh, I dunno, they think liking Jay-Z
gives them a personality. Oh wait. “Favorite cartoon growing up?” I mean, there are some classics. I would say Animaniacs, uh, Darkwing Duck, uh, DuckTales. Uh... (Can you sing the theme song to DuckTales?) Yeah. Dude, if you’re really goth... dude, you gotta prove it. Prove it with the Goth Test. Andrew, when is World Goth Day? I do not know the answer. May 22! Andrew, how many tattoos
of The Cure do you have? Zero. But I– but I do have pictures of myself
with a very Robert Smith-esque haircut. Okay. Andrew, who’s the biggest poser: your mom, the jocks, your teachers, or D, all of the above? Wow. I hate to throw my mom under the bus,
but I’m going to say D, all of the above. It’s your mom... because she brought you into this world. Wow, that’s very goth. Andrew, bangs should cover: bangs... one eye, both eyes, and at least three piercings, all of the above? Definitely all of the above. That’s right. You’ve got to cover
everything to be truly goth. Last question. Name three brands of eyeliner. Uh, um... Maybelline... Nice. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Maybelline Super Eyeliner. Nooo! Maybe I was just a
Maybelline guy, you don’t know. Alright, I support that. Alright, that’s the Goth Test. “What would be your first question
after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for a hundred years?” What if I just got up and I was like,
“Can I get a ride home?” I’m just like,
“Dude, that nap was crazy!” “Can you take me
back to my apartment?” The scientist is like, “Alright.” This is the question. “What’s the one thing you
would do if you woke up white?” That’s a good question. That’s the question. That’s a good question. That is the question. Yo, listen. Remember that song?
Remember that song? “24 Hours to Live.”
With The Lox? With DMX and The Lox? “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” “You’ve got 24 hours to live...
but you’re white.” Like, what happens in that scenario? My first– what I would love to do– I’d walk up to a cop,
and poke him right in the badge and be like, “My taxes pay your salary, buster.” Yeah! Yeah! How ’bout that. Listen, Bronx born and bred, I was like yo, I’d just move to Jersey.
I would talk wild spicy to police. There’s like on Route 80–
there’s a highway. And there’s an express
lane and there’s a local lane, and then there’s like a gap in between
where you’re not supposed to cross over if there’s traffic. I’d be like, “Fuck this shit.”
I would cross over. If the state trooper
stops me, I’d be like, “What the fuck you gonna do?” You can’t do that right now. “You can’t do it to me. I’m Joe Prosciutto. Alright?” Yeah. Yeah. “Take it easy, pal. My name rings bells in Oradell.” You know what I’d do. What would you do? I would run in the airport. Ohhhhh. I’ve never been able to run in the airport. Yo, I feel you bro. Facts, facts, facts! I’ve never been able to run. ’Cause I’ll be with, like, my wife, and we’ll just be power walking and I can’t run. Me neither, though! I’ve always wanted to run in the airport. Airports make me so nervous. After 9/11, I can't either, dog When they come at me I gotta be like, “Aye papi, no! I’m Dominican.
Yo speak Spanish!” Alright, Viti Patel. “You said that it’s taken you two
years to conceive and create Patriot Act, But was there ever a
moment or a political event that made you feel as if
Patriot Act needed to be done? Issues that everyone was skimming… or needed to be addressed.” Oh, wow, this is like...
This is actually a very serious question. Damn, Viti. You know, we have to
do a comedy show after this? Alright, so, the Patriot Act title... So, I remember I was
at The Daily Show, right? And the 2016 election happened,
and we had to cover the conventions, right? So, we had to–
The RNC was in Cleveland, and the DNC was in Philadelphia. And I remember the RNC was
terrifying. It was at Quicken Loans Arena. It was like being in a haunted
house but all the lights were on. Like, it was 17,000 people,
just like, “Lock her up!” It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. It was... It was like
racist Comic-Con. It was nuts. And then the following week,
we went to Philadelphia, and that was the
Democratic National Convention. And I remember–
Do you guys remember this? When Hillary Clinton came out,
she had the white Puff Daddy suit? Remember? And everyone’s
like, “She's gonna break the glass ceiling.” Everyone was like, “Yes, do it.” Bill Clinton opened for her, remember? So, Bill Clinton opens
for her, everybody comes... This is the day of the conventions,
everybody comes down, and it’s a big thing. I remember, like, all The Daily Show staff. It was the thing to see.
We thought she was going to win, right? So, Clinton goes up
there, and he’s doing his, like... He’s doing his go-to things,
right, where he’s just like, “I remember meeting Hillary at Yale,” and just not being aware of
all the “Me Too” shit. And... He was like,
“I used to hang outside of dorms. That’s normal, right?" Just unaware, but he’s
like, “But I'm charming.” And... He’s doing this thing, right,
and then he goes to his go-to moves, right? A lot of politicians
do this, where he’s just, like, “Hey, I'm going to talk to
all the different minority voters. This is the one
time of year I talk to them.” He— Right? He’s just like,
“African-American people, you matter.” And everyone, they’re like, “Yeah, we do.” And he’s our choice, right? And then he’s
like, “Mexicans, los...” [mumbling Spanish] You know what I mean? He’s like, “I’m good, right?” And everyone’s like,
“Alright, yeah, sure.” And then I remember he’s like,
“Muslims, yeah, you guys are here. Muslim-Americans, hey, stay here. Stay here. Help us find
the terrorists. Help us win.” And everyone around me, like, at all the... They started full-on applause break. They were like, “Yeah!” “I’m With Her” shirts. “Yes!” “Help us win!” And I remember standing
there and being, like, “Bill, I hate to tell you this, I don't know any terrorists.” I’m not Terrorist the Bounty Hunter. Like, I’m not just like, “Bill Clinton,” and, like, I come out,
like Blade. You know what I mean? “I’m here to catch
Al-Qaeda,” you know... He— he thought our only value
was to help find terrorists, right? And, so, it was one of those things
where I thought about it for a long time, and I was like, “Oh, I could write
an angry internet post about this.” Or, you know, and I
learned this from my dad– I’m more in... you know, in
the business of playing offense. And I was like, “Look, I’m not
going to get my humanity from Bill fucking Clinton.” He’s— he’s just not going to
get it. I’m an alien as far as... He doesn’t get... He will never understand
where I’m coming from, my POV, the things my community
have had to go through. We have to claim that
shit on our terms. So, I just started working
on the show, Patriot Act. And I was just like,
“I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna show my perspective
of what it’s like to be an American.” And... that was my move. Here we are. “If you were running for president,
what would your political slogan be?” I don’t know. Do you have a fav– This is from Romia. What do you–
what’s your favorite? (My favorite what?) Political slogan. (I don’t have one.) There was never a candidate that you really–
that you’re like, “That's a good one.” They’re all kinda bad, aren’t they? They’re too, like, generic. (They’re not catchy.) I mean they’re catchy, they’re just like, (No one cares.) platitudes, right? Like, uh, what was Obama’s in ’08?
“Yes we can?” Was it “Yes we can” or “Hope?” (Both.) It was both. What was the official– We don’t even– I don’t even know. Clinton 2016 was “Stronger together.” Which you’re like, “Alright.” “Sure.” I think the saddest one was Jeb. Remember Jeb in 2016? It was just “Jeb!”
exclamation point. They were like, “Give it the– give it the–”
He was like, “Give it energy... Jeb!” That’s how you know he like– he was just like,
“Come on, like really? Give it two exclamations.” They’re like,
“We'll just give it one.” It really should’ve been like, “Jeb?” Question like, “Jeb?” Or like, “Jeb...?” dot dot dot question mark. I think what you have to have in a slogan
is something that’s like, specific that everyone can agree on that you can always bring
back into like, any debate. ’Cause I’m gonna be out of
my league on a lot of issues. So like, my campaign
slogan would be like, “Hasan Minhaj 2020: Stop telling me to wear sunscreen." You know what I mean, and like everyone’s
like, “Yeah fuck that! Yeah, I hate that!” So we’ll be talking about like,
energy or climate and I’ll be like, “I don’t know what any of that stuff was, but we need to stop telling
each other to wear sunscreen.” It’s like, “Hasan Minhaj 2024: Paper straws are fucking gross.” Right, and everyone’s like, “Yes!” You see, like, your visceral reaction,
you were like, “Ah, gross!” “Hasan Minhaj 2028: No black balls in biryani.” And everyone’s like, “Let’s go!” Bipartisan support! “If you could ask one question
and be guaranteed complete honesty, what and who would you ask?” I would ask you... How do you feel about white sneakers? No I’m just... Okay, I would– Eddie, can you
step into the light please? (What?) Eddie, can you
step into the light? Into the light, into the light. Get in the light. Jib, grab Eddie. I would ask Eddie,
our wonderful stage manager... would you be my– I’m getting nervous, bro. Would you be my
friend outside of work? (A hundred percent.) No you– for real?! (Two hundred percent!) Two hundred percent? (Two hundred percent.) You know we’ve done
22 episodes together, Eddie. (A hundred percent.) A hundred percent? (A hundred-million percent.) Sometimes... a host and a stage manager are
not friends outside of work... and you really hate
to see that sort of thing... but the good news is: this is not one of those times. Because Hasan and Eddie, well... they’re friends. Eddie and Hasan and Hasan and Eddie Eddie and Hasan and Hasan and Eddie Eddie and Hasan and Hasan and Eddie Eddie and Hasan They're friends “If you could instantly become an
expert in something, what would it be?” (Hair product.) Excuse me? (Hair product.) (Hair product.) Hair product. If I could be an expert in that? (Because you mention it so much.) Yeah. Did my dad send you here to roast me? Come on, man. Like, how is this a thing? Like… I just get it every week. People are showing up and like,
70 percent of these Q&As are just like, “Hey man, it’s all cool what you’re
doing, you need to be better.” The Q&A should just be called
“Do Better with Hasan Minhaj.” You know what I was gonna say, Uncle? Are you, are you a dad? You’re a dad, right? Okay. Do you have a special talent? (Photography.) Choreography? (Photography.) I thought you said pornography.
I’m gonna be 100 percent honest with you. I’m gonna be 100 percent honest with you. I didn’t wanna say that.
I didn’t wanna be disrespectful. I thought I heard
you say pornography. But I like, I gotta respect you cause you’re
a parent and you’re an uncle, I gotta res— Photography? (Yeah.) Didn’t it...? Okay, good. You’re like, “I’m here with
my daughter. Pornography.” I was gonna say marine biologist. Because I– whatever’s happening
in the ocean is crazy. You ever watched those
like, crazy documentaries? (Not much.) Okay. Crowd work is really hard with Indian
dads ’cause like, “Hey, you into anything?” “No.” “Do you like me?” “No.” “What do you think I should do right now?” “End the show.” No, like the– whatever’s happening
in the ocean terrifies me. You ever seen those weird
blobfishes and there’s like, teeth? (Yes.) And you’re like,
where...what’s happening? Both of these things—
we’re existing on land and you’re just existing down there
in this weird waterous dungeon. Neither of us know about each other, so. I just wanna know what’s happening there. Okay. Do you have any special talents? Yeah. (Me?) Yeah. (Uh, no.) What if you said pornography? That’d be really funny. Alright. “What ’90s trend Alright, “What ’90s trend do you wish would come back in style?” This is from Maria. Is Maria here? Alright, which– what’s your
’90s trend? That you wish– (Um, if I had to pick one,) it’d probably be the,
like, glittery hair gel.) Glittery hair gel? (Yeah, but like, but like,) (I’d, like, wanna rock it at work.) You know what trend I would do? Do you remember JNCO jeans? I would do JNCOs. How funny– how hilarious
would it be if I came out, and I came– it’s like
[hums Patriot Act theme] and I just had some big ass... And then like, I take
off like a flying squirrel. Just like– I float in. “Tonight!” I asked my parents for
them and they were like, “We are not getting you these pants.” Fuck. What would people on the
internet say if I legit, like, next week came out with JNCOs? What do you think? You think– they would clown me, right? Alright, we're gonna
do this actually, Dan. Zach, you’re here. Okay, so that’s Zach from Digital, you guys. Alright, Zach. How do– what, what
background do I need to stand– I’m gonna stand and
then just Photoshop me in. Where do I need to stand, on this side? (It’s all the same. It’s all kinda...) Or this one? This weird ass... (Wherever– wherever’s clean.) This land mass over here. (The best we can do.) Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Here, I– I got you. Here, we’ll do right here. Does that work? (Am I just putting jeans on you?) Yeah, just JNCOs. I don’t know why in like– I’m just manspreading
while I’m standing. Alright, fine, fine. Fine, fine. Does that work? (That’s great, yeah.) Okay. Eddie, did you have JNCOs? Back in the day? Aw, dude you’re working. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,
I’m sorry, I’m bothering you. (No, I did.) You did? What?! Dude, I’ve lost all
respect for you, bro. (I think it was like ’93.) You’ve given me, like,
major financial advice. You’ve given me,
like, family advice. You wore JNCOs? Dude, I was doing this as a– ugh. Eddie, man. Oh shit. “Fuck, marry, kill? Jon Stewart, Colbert, John Oliver.” Okay, “What’s your worst,
weirdest encounter in the subway? If not, NYC?” I think everyone has
a crazy subway story. (Not one.) Just one? (Not one!) (More than one!) I mean, multiple, right? My... This was the one where I was,
like, “Alright, I gotta get out of this city.” So... We live in Hell’s Kitchen, right? And... one night, I’m
walking home. And we live... We used to live across
this very popular wine bar. And I was walking, it’s,
like, 2 o’clock in the morning, I’m walking back home.
I look across the street. And there was just this
beautiful woman in a flowing dress... just puking in the bushes. You know, just like the
yin and yang of New York, just beauty and horror all
at once. It’s the Big Apple! Only people in New
York get that, by the way. Everyone else is, like,
“Why would she be in a gown... puking?” Everyone else is, like,
“Yeah, it’s Tuesday.” And I was new to the city, so I look
and I’m, like, “What the— what’s going on?” And people were just walking by. It was just, like, white headphones,
like, “Hey, man, not my problem.” I’m, like, “Alright, man, like... Just... Cinderella is having
an exorcism over here. Someone help her, please.” They're, like, “Man, I can’t, I’m
listening to a podcast about podcasts. I have no time. Man, this podcast about podcasts is
the best podcast about podcasts.” So I was like, “Okay! I will help her.” And I remember– I see her, she just full on–everyone’s in the splash zone–
in front of this tree, so I run across the street. A car, I was, like, “Stop!” I'm like, “Excuse me, ma’am. Madam. Do you need a hand?”
She looks up and she was like... “Are you my Uber driver?” That was... And I’m just, like, “Why don’t
I listen to more podcasts?” Alright, “What is your
favorite pizza topping?” Oooh, this is from Deki. Is Deki here? (Here.) What’s yours? (Um, mushroom...) Really? Mushroom and artichoke? Gross! Artichoke? Artichoke’s nasty. Artichoke and pineapple, my fifth rule
as king– no artichoke, no pineapple on pizza. You like– you like article? I mean, article– You like artichoke? (Yeah, yeah.) I just feel like it has a weird texture. No? (I don’t– I don’t approve of
pineapple, though.) (Yeah.) Yeah. (Not on pizzas, not on fried rice.) No pineapple on fried rice either? Damn. Out with pineapple, period. (Five minutes, Hasan. Five.) Eddie. This is a serious conversation about pizza. I would say Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut. Do you guys remember that? There was a Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut. Yeah. (Are you serious?) I’m dead serious. I’m saying this as a dude who
once did Pizza Hut commercials. (It’s back.) It’s back–Cheez-It pizza’s back?! (It’s back!) Have you had it? (Yeah.) Is it good? (Yeah.) (It tastes like a Cheez-It.) Really?! (Yes! You can order it right now.) Are you being paid by Pizza Hut? (No.) The way you said it you were like, “It’s back! You can order it right now.” Wait, do that again. Hang on, hang on, stop laughing,
everybody stop laughing. Alright, here we go. I’ll go, “I dunno man, I think I
would want to try the Cheez-It pizza.” And go– (It’s back!) Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Hang on, hang on,
hang on, alright, hang on! Hang on. Hang on. Here we go. Three, two, one. I dunno, I would try
the Cheez-It pizza. (It’s back, you can order it again.) No, do it with the excitement you had! Do it with the excitement you had! Can I do it the way you did it? The first time you did it you go— you went
like, “It’s back, you can order it right now!” Then I’ll go, “Right now?” And go, “Right now!” Here we go. Here we go, here we go. I don’t know, for me, in terms of like,
pizza toppings, I’d try the, um, have you ever heard of the
Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut? (It’s back!) Pick it up as soon as I say it. Alright. I don’t know, in terms of like, pizza toppings,
I’d try the, um, have you heard of the Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut? (It’s back! You can get it now!) What? (You can get it now.) Are you serious? (Yes.) Right now? (Yes.) (You can order right now.) (Are you covering my therapy bill
for tomorrow now?) I’m gonna cover it. I’m gonna cover it.
