...ALL THE WAY FROM
HOME, GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HOST, THE ONE, THE ONLY MR. HARRY
STYLES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> Harry: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. >> STYLES: GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE SHOW. WELCOME TO THE SHOW. NO, YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE
YOU, I AM NOT JAMES CORDEN, I AM, IN FACT, HARRY STYLES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY I'M HOSTING TONIGHT, AND, YES,
YOU'RE RIGHT, DONALD TRUMP FINALLY GOT TIRED OF ALL OF
JAMES' JOKES AND DEPORTED HIM BACK TO ENGLAND. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M KIDDING. I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS. THIS IS EXCITING. LITERALLY, JUST A HALF AN HOUR
AGO, JAMES AND HIS WIFE JULES HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN FACT, I WAS JUST AT THE HOSPITAL BEFORE I CAME TO FILL
IN, AND SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE JAMES. ( LAUGHTER )
MOSTLY BECAUSE JAMES ALREADY LOOKS LIKE A GIANT BABY. ( LAUGHTER )
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I REALIZE THIS IS JAMES' SHOW,
AND THIS IS A ONE-TIME DEAL. ONE TIME THING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ONE TIME. UNLESS, UH -- UNLESS CBS LIKES
WHAT THEY SEE. ( CHEERING )
BUT I AM HERE TO FILL IN FOR JAMES, SO WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, THE ONLY THING THAT YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS ARE TALKING ABOUT IS THE ALABAMA SENATE RACE, AND TODAY
WAS THE BIG ELECTION BETWEEN DOUG JONES AND CONTROVERSIAL
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE ROY MOORE. ROY MOORE WENT TO THE POLLS THIS
MORNING TO VOTE FOR HIMSELF, AND HE TOOK A
VERY UNUSUAL MODE OF TRANSPORTATION. THIS IS REAL. TAKE A LOOK. >> ROY MOORE ROAD ON HORSE BACK
WITH HIS WIFE KAYLA MOORE, WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY THE
CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Harry: OKAY. I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT MY
HOOFED ANIMALS, BUT I'M PRETTY THAT'S AN ASS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I MADE THAT ONE UP MYSELF. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MOVING ON, YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE WANTS TO
SEND ASTRONAUTS BACK TO THE MOON FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 45 YEARS. AND THEN THE PRESIDENT WAS
STARTLED WHEN MELANIA YELLED, "I'LL GO!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE SAN OUTRAGEOUS STORY WE
WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS MORNING IN THE BREAK ROOM OVER A CUP OF
JOE. IN THE PAST THREE MONTHS,
AIRLINES EARNED A RECORD $1.2 BILLION JUST IN BAGGAGE
FEES! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, I SHOULD SAY, THEY ONLY RECEIVED HALF OF THE MONEY. THE AIRLINES LOST THE OTHER
HALF. THEY THINK IT MIGHT BE IN
CLEVELAND OR OMAHA, THEY'RE NOT QUITE SURE YET. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'LL GET BACK TO YOU IN THE
NEXT FEW WEEKS. IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW
TONIGHT! I'M GOING TO BE HERE HOSTING THE
ENTIRE SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. ONCE AGAIN, CONGRATULATIONS TO
JAMES AND JULES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS ONE THING. OVER THE PAST 24 HOURS, A LOT OF
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THAT KISS JAMES AND I SHARED
DURING LAST NIGHT'S "CHRISTMAS CARPOOL KARAOKE." SO I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO FORMALLY ANNOUNCE... JAMES AND I WILL ALSO BE HAVING
A BABY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU! REGGIE, ARE YOU READY? HE'S REGGIE WATTS, I'M HARRY
STYLES, AND THIS, THIS IS THE "LATE LATE SHOW." ROLL THE TITLES. I HAVE TO BE VERY HONEST. IT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW I SAW MY
DAY PANNING OUT. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS AT HOME LITERALLY TWO HOURS AGO, IN THIS SUIT,
OBVIOUSLY. ( LAUGHTER )
I GOT THE CALL THAT JULES WAS GOING INTO LABOR. SO JAMES NATURALLY CALLED THE
FUNNIEST GUY HE KNEW -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) -- AND HE WASN'T AROUND, SO I'M
FILLING IN. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY EXCITED TO BE HERE BECAUSE, TODAY, WE
ARE DOING A BREATHTAKING PIECE OF ORIGINAL COMEDY. ( LAUGHTER )
ITS TIME FOR "DOGS IN SUNGLASSES." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: OKAY. I'D LIKE TO TAKE A SECOND TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THIS GUY TAKES THE OFFICE SECRET SANTA EXCHANGE SO SERIOUSLY,
HE'S KILLED SIX PEOPLE TO PROTECT HIS IDENTITY. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS GUY LOVES THE HOLIDAYS, EXCEPT FOR CHRISTMAS MORNING
WHEN, EVERY YEAR, NO MISTAKE, THE KIDS MISTAKE HIM FOR A TOY
AND TRY TO SHOVE AA BATTERIES UP HIS (BLEEP). ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME TAKE A SECOND TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS GUY ISN'T DOING THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS. THIS GUY'S DOING THE 12 STEPS OF
CHRISTMAS. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS IN A HURRY? YOU GOING ANYWHERE? YOU HAVE A SECOND TO STAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF SECONDS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
THIS GUY. THIS GUY HAS TO LIVE WITH THE
FACT THAT LAST YEAR DURING A BLACK FRIDAY DOOR-BUSTER SALE HE
TRAMPLED A BEST BUY CASHIER TO DEATH. ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT THIS GUY. THIS GUY'S DREAMING OF A WHITE
CHRISTMAS, NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES SNOW BUT BECAUSE HE'S SUPER
RACIST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T WRITE THEM. I'M JUST FILLING IN. ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME TAKE A SECOND AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THIS GUY WAS PLAYING SANTA AT THE MALL FOR THREE DAYS BEFORE
THEY REALIZED THEY DIDN'T HERE ANYBODY TO PLAY SANTA. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS GUY IS GOING TO TRY HIS BEST NOT TO THINK OF SUSAN AND
THE KIDS THIS CHRISTMAS. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
GOOD FOR TIME. I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS GUY. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THIS GUY TOOK THIS PHOTO IN JUNE. AND THIS GUY LEFT A LITTLE
SOMETHING UNDER THE TREE FOR HIS WIFE. DIVORCE PAPERS. OH AND (BLEEP). ( APPLAUSE )
STILL WITH ME? I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS
GUY. YOU ONLY LIGHT THE MENORAH FOR
EIGHT DAYS, THIS GUY GETS LIT FOR TEN. ( APPLAUSE )
THERE IS ANOTHER THING ABOUT THIS GUY. THIS GUY DOESN'T CARE WHAT MEL
GIBSON SAID, HE'S STILL GOING TO SEE "DADDY'S HOME TWO." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STYLES: THAT WAS "DOGS I N SUNGLASSES." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOEL
EDGERTON, JANE KRAKOWSKI, AND OWEN WILSON!
