Partner with CPTSD? These Tips Can Help Have a Great Relationship

people who had a traumatic childhood can be very difficult to be in a relationship or marriage with I get a lot of letters from hurt scared people who are going through a lot of pain because their partner has cptsd and is not yet able to calm their symptoms now do I think people with cptsd are always worth being with no not always but great relationships are possible when you both understand what cptsd is and you're both working on strategies to Halt the hurtful and chaotic dynamics that can very easily pull couples into a dark vortex with the knowledge and Goodwill healing can be totally positive for both people and can I just say this to the people who do choose to love people with cptsd I love you for this I'm grateful to those of you who care enough to ask how to be a good partner to those of us who are affected by hard stuff in childhood a loving and stable relationship goes a long way to help heal human beings who are hurt and feeling alone so thank you for that all right I first just want to acknowledge that the symptoms of childhood PTSD are on a Continuum they come and go they might be little things and they could be very serious things and before I get into the nuts and bolts of how to be with someone who's having these symptoms I just want to say under no circumstances should you put up with abuse and I'll get into that a little more at the end but yes people who had a hard childhood are totally worthy and lovable and can be worth a bit of trouble sometimes and yes we can be complicated and confusing and needy and exasperated sometimes but also wise and capable and warm so here are some tips to help you understand your loved one and offer support while also taking care of yourself because there is no good relationship where people don't take care of themselves so first of all it may be helpful to know that a lot of what your partner is dealing with is called dysregulation this is a real and measurable nervous system phenomena that can cause a person to feel you know spaced out discombobulated emotionally overreactive you've probably seen that and struggling to think straight and you're like uh-huh dysregulation happens to everybody to some degree sometimes and we all naturally recover from it eventually and this is this recovered state is called re-regulation or self-regulation now self-regulation is often used in the context of emotional dysregulation which is one piece of the pie emotional but nervous system dysregulation is not just emotions it's the endocrine system it's the immune system it's blood flow it's the vital signs there's a lot of things that are really not under a person's control directly but they can be calmed using techniques so the recovered State it's called re-regulation and the thing about for people who have PTSD from childhood it getting disregulated can happen a lot more frequently it can be a lot harder to climb back out of and so a person who had trauma compared to somebody who doesn't the traumatized person is probably spending more time dysregulated and having a harder time climbing back out of it and it's during those disregulated times that the problems can really get in now it's important to remember the tendency to get dysregulated is not your partner's fault and it isn't your fault even if your partner thinks it's your fault when they're upset now everybody does that sometimes right we blame other people but the symptoms you're seeing are just what PTSD looks like when it's not very well under control and technically how you deal with your partner's dysregulation could influence how quickly they can get re-regulated if you just start yelling or threatening to leave you're not likely to calm things down so unless you mean it unless that's really what you want I'd recommend don't make threats don't do things that increase the drama it just doesn't help you don't have to be a doormat either so it's important for you to remember even if your partner can't see it in the moment that it's not your fault that their feelings got this intense and you're not responsible for making it better right now it's not your fault and it's not your job it's the person who has PTSD it's our job we've got to learn to re-regulate we have to nobody can regulate our PTSD brains for us we're the ones who've got to take steps to change it and we're the ones who have the option of self-control we also have the option to leave if somebody is just so you know destructive to us that we cannot self-regulate that's where people get into like a no contact relationship with an ex or perhaps a family member so as hard as it may be to draw upon when you're feeling the urge to lash out or run away from loved ones the inner resources are there to calm your symptoms it's not the fault of the person with cptsd but we are the ones who can make the change change in here okay that said here's what you can do you can support your partner as they try to heal as they learn to re-regulate you can ask or suggest that they try to heal you can suggest they read a certain book or try a certain technique but you cannot make it happen not on your timeline not against their will and you can't do it for them if only you could right I get a lot of uh males and comments from people who are like how do I make someone heal and you can't but you can offer support and you can suggest things lightly but you must remember what is needed is understanding encouragement and then being willing to step back and detach a little to allow people to make their own decisions and find their own answers it's genuinely the truth that no one person really knows what another person needs and uh I I sit here and I teach about this stuff every day of my life but I never presume to know what another person needs and so when you do that to a partner you know what happens they don't like it they will pull away they will shut down it could delay things for them now you might notice that when your partner is dysregulated they can go from happy and Goofy to overwhelmed and enraged and then to emotional flatness like nothing ever happened all without you ever realizing what set this off and sometimes they'll be disregulated without any outward sign they seem fine they say they're fine but then you notice they're not hearing a word you say or they're tripping over things or forgetting to show up for appointments with some people this brain fog aspect of dysregulation can be really pervasive and it'll be tempting for you to think they're acting this way intentionally to show you that you're not important to them or they don't respect you or you might try to force them to go see an ADHD specialist and take medication but hold on because while all of this could be the case it's most likely just a sign that they're dysregulated and believe me I'm telling people like your partner that dysregulation is not an excuse to be rude or inconsiderate healing while you're in a couple means two people meeting halfway and your partner may need to make the effort to show you that they care and you need to keep in mind that a brain thing might be temporarily blocking the signs of caring that you need to see like the emotion is there but you can't see it on the face so that's one thing but maybe the hardest thing about a person with childhood PTSD is that they can be unreasonable they get upset and you get blamed for things that you have nothing to do with and I'll tell you a secret if you keep presenting yourself as someone who has power to fix the PTSD who has the answers you will soon be having fights about why you haven't fixed it yet and I'm gonna bet you've had that argument before maybe many times where your partner believes that you have the key because you sort of presented yourself that way for them feeling better if only you would turn the key but you won't because you're so mean right that's a way of thinking that I call Outsourcing responsibility for healing and I tell people with childhood PTSD to step out of that thinking and own the process you know I know like we're all at the effect of other people other people affect us very much of course but we must own the process of our healing and changing how we behave and I'm telling you as their partner let them own it it's totally okay and appropriate to offer Comfort to a person who's in a PTSD response and consistent love and stability are good things and definitely influence healing but sometimes what love looks like if you support a person and give them space to just you know day by day notice how their how their PTSD symptoms affect them and let them recalibrate their response that's what healing can look like maybe they're already in my courses for doing this and that's how you heard about me you can support your partner while they do the work and still hold a boundary against yucky Behavior or abusive behavior that happens when they're dysregulated so the way to do that is when you notice the symptoms coming on in your partner and they're starting to behave in ways that are making you feel scared or upset you can take a step back your feelings matter they matter a lot you are half of this but your partner who's having cptsd symptoms right now this is not a good time to try to talk things out with them or get what you need you'll get much better results if you wait and if they're pressing you to talk about their feelings and we do that sometimes then say things are feeling a little intense right now and I want to talk to you but I want to wait until things are calmer now notice you're not abandoning them that's a trigger you don't want to set off unintentionally you're not shutting them down you're making a plan to communicate in a better way and if your partner doesn't want to let you do that you get to do it anyway now remember they're not they're not themselves right now so it's for you to do the wise thing for yourself and remember they will eventually feel calmer and you can talk then so what's helped me in my marriage since I'm the one who gets disregulated is that I try to take responsibility to notice when I'm dysregulated not say much until I can get get myself re-regulated and this is sometimes easier said than done and the urge to you know process the feeling sometimes is overpowering that my process I mean like talk talk you know and you said this and you said that in another and even when I mask it as I statements you know I felt I felt horrible because you were just such a dick you know it doesn't disregulated talk it's like drunk talk think of it that way you know the I I even tell people when you're dysregulated do not drive a car pull over if you can't remember you know if you're having like blank outs about how you got across the bridge stop stop and re-regulate and that's what I teach I teach tools to re-regulate quickly and then also long-term strategies to stay regulated more of the time but you don't try to have a big major conversation about what's happening or to try to break down some horrible argument that you had while a person is dysregulated if you really want to have communication maintaining regulation is everything it's everything and so the person with cptsd that's the first order of business is to learn how to do that how to go slowly enough and gently enough that they can kind of stay lucid and in their body enough to talk about how they're feeling and not have this big like emotional flashback come and take over believing you know you're just the worst thing and you you've probably been in that position you know where they're just like blowing flame at you and it's destructive for people with cptsd to get into that blame place because so long as we are blaming other people for how we feel we can't recover it's it you know you're just trying to like get it's like help me fix me fix me while other people cannot it explains so much once you understand that it's like oh they can't you know there's things that other people can do to support you but until a person with cptsd realizes what an inside job this is to self-regulate there's going to be so much conflict with Partners so much conflict so that little codependent Dynamic of like I'm gonna help you honey I'm going to help you it can be too much but support is real there is a way to support and it's just like to to do your part to keep it from going down that road of yelling fixing uh blaming all right so you're using restraint on that side the person with cptsd is is working on restraint as well and using tools because ultimately none of us has a license to take out our frustrations on other people and not even because some of us had bad things happen when we were small that affected us neurologically it's not a license it may be an explanation but it's not an excuse so here's a summary of things that you can do when your partner is experiencing symptoms first you can notice the dysregulation sometimes even if you don't say anything just noting it to yourself oh gosh they're just regulated again and this can help you stay neutral and even supportive without getting sucked into the drama second you can try to reduce overwhelm for your partner by slowing down keeping your voice gentle and not asking a lot of questions or making demands and again you don't have to mention that you're doing this you can just do it and see if it helps the third thing you can do is mention what you're noticing and ask what they need you can say hey I noticed this is making you a bit overwhelmed is there anything you need to make this easier or you could say would it help if I gave you a hug right now because squeezing hugs can be really helpful but you want to make sure it's wanted and expected for a lot of people uh you know a hug especially out of the blue it can just it can set off more just you know it just triggers something and so you don't want to set off more dysregulation because it can feel constricting it can feel threatening it can feel controlling but at the right time a squeezing hug can be so comforting to the nervous system so timing uh then if things start getting tense it can be it can it can help if you get a little space or a tiny bit of separation and the trick is to do this without setting off an abandonment trigger so let's say you're on the phone and you can hear your partner getting wound up it's about to turn into an argument you can say I need five minutes apart and make a concrete plan for when you're going to call them back and that just five minute break can allow both of you to discharge the dysregulation and the anger that was bubbling up if your partner uses my daily practice techniques of writing and meditating yes you can very politely very politely gently suggest not demand that they might want to do that or you can do it you can do the daily practice it's for everyone and you can invite them to do it with you but since any kind of comment about dysregulation can well you know nobody wants to be told what to do but when you're in a when a person is in a state of dysregulation getting called out on it is it can feel like criticism sometimes the kindest thing is to tell a white lie and pretend that you have to go to the bathroom just to get a few minutes apart whatever you do don't resort to giving the silent treatment or storming out or threatening the relationship even if you know that you're actually going to leave which you probably aren't but even if you are if that's what you know announcing it to a dysregulated person is only going to lead to a blow up so my advice is stay polite stay kind stay out of the drama let the storm pass your partner might complain and try to get the conversation started again but believe me they will thank you later when their brain and emotions are re-regulated that you stayed calm and sturdy and didn't let things turn into a big fight well people don't always thank you later but they would if they could see the big picture of the fight that was just averted everyone is exhausted after a fight and arguing can cost a person with childhood PTSD days of dysregulation where they're only quasi-functioning it can cause people to you know forego great opportunities it can cause them to abandon things that are totally worthwhile so calm is good steadiness is good now I mentioned at the beginning that there is no scenario where you are obliged to put up with abuse neither at the doormat level or all-out abuse not emotional not physical so I don't care if you're a man or a woman I don't care who started the argument you don't deserve abuse and if it happens the right thing to do is to remove yourself with kids if there are kids and get to safety anything that needs to be worked out can be worked out when things are calmer and that would be the time to pursue professional help for both of you for yourself but for you if your partner can't or won't control abusive Behavior then it's very sad but it's not best for you or your kids to be trapped like that okay all that said if you are blessed enough to have a safe loving and supportive relationship that is just one of the most wonderful healing things that could happen for anyone and it's a great gift for a person who had trauma as a kid not everybody is called to that kind of relationship and some people are not healed enough yet to pull it off right now but a good relationship is worth really putting your heart into it's a good reason to work hard on yourself as a person if you're a single person with cptsd who Longs for a relationship keep working on your symptoms you you can become ready for a closer more safe and stable relationship that's fulfilling for you if you're with the person with cptsd there is hope so long as someone will cooperate with you to start calming the symptoms so again my love and appreciation to all of the partners out there who have given that to us and who make the world a loving place for us because of it [Music] thank you

Channel: Crappy Childhood Fairy

Views: 25,335

Keywords:

Id: dIWVRnB9O4c

Length: 18min 27sec (1107 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 26 2023