♪ >> Greg: YES, IT'S FRIDAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, HUH? I REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. BUT I'M NOT. I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL IT'S OVER. LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS. THIS EARLY BIRD SURE IS SPECIAL, FOX AND FRIENDS FIRST COHOST CARLEY SHIMKUS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE'S THE ONLY GUY ON THE SHOW TONIGHT NAMED HOTEP, YOUTUBE HOST HOTEP JESUS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]. >> Greg: HE LOOKS LIKE THE GUY WHO CAME TO CUT DOWN YOUR TREES. COMEDIAN JIM FLORENTINE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ >> Greg: AND, FINALLY, SHE'S THE FIRST AUTHOR TO WEIGH LESS THAN HER BOOK, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: ALL RIGHT. YEAH, LIVELY BUNCH TONIGHT. OKAY, BEFORE WE GET TO SOME NEW STORIES IT'S FRIDAY. SO LET'S DO THIS. ♪ >> GREG' LEFTOVERS. >> Greg: YEAH, IT'S LEFTOVERS WHERE I READ THE JOKES WE DIDN'T USE THIS WEEK AND AS ALWAYS IT'S MY FIRST TIME READING THESE, SO IF THEY SUCK WE'LL JUST CHEMICALLY CASTRATE JOE MACKEY. NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BUT, ANYWAY... A MANSION DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE THE WHITE HOUSE JUST WENT UP FOR SALE IN CALIFORNIA. IT'S SUCH AN ACCURATE REPLICA, HUNTER BIDEN KEEPS TRYING TO SNEAK COCAINE INTO IT. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: THAT'S GOOD. THE FDA CLAIMS THERE HAVE BEEN DOZENS OF REPORTS THAT ONE OF OZEMPIC'S BIGGEST SIDE EFFECTS IS SUICIDE. THE CLAIM IS BEING BACKED HEAVILY BY PHARMACIES AS FIRST-TIME USERS NEVER COME BACK FOR A REFILL. SUICIDE IS NOT FUNNY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK >> FOLLOWING HIS DIVORCE KEVIN COSTNER REPORTEDLY WANTS TO GET REVENGE ON HIS WIFE BY MAKING HIS WIFE A LIVING HELL AND BY DOING THAT HE PLANS TO MAKE HER WATCH ALL FIVE SEASONS OF YELLOWSTONE. NOT THAT GOOD. A TRANSGENDER WOMAN RECENTLY WON THE MEHMET OZ NETTEDER LANDS PAGEANT. SHE CREDITS THE JUDGES FOR NOT EXAMINING HER NETTER REGIONS. MEANWHILE, OTHER CONTESTANTS WERE SURPRISED AT THE RESULTS BUT DID SAY THE COMPETITION WAS A LITTLE STIFF. ACCORDING TO A RECENT ARTICLE, SINGLE WOMEN WHO BOOZE IT UP AT SUNDAY BRUNCH ARE LESS LIKELY TO MEET SINGLE MEN ALTHOUGH THEY ARE 100% MORE LIKELY TO MEET GAY MEN. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT OVER HALF OF AMERICA'S BEACHES HAVE DANGEROUS FECAL CONTAMINATION. TO LESSEN THE RISK OF E.COLI PEOPLE ARE ADVISEED TO AVOID SWIMMING WITH AMBER HEARD. LAST FRIDAY, THE DUTCH, THE DUTCH GOVERNMENT COLLAPSED. THIS AFTER THEY COULDN'T AGREE ON SPLITTING A CHECK FOR LUNCH. I KNOW, IT'S STUPID, BUT -- SHOULD I EXPLAIN IT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE UNDER 40 WHAT DUTCH USED TO MEAN. YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, KAT. [LAUGHTER]. >> Greg: A NEW JERSEY COUPLE STOLE $91,000 FROM A YOUTH SOCCER CLUB TO PAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD. YEAH, LIKE 91 GRAND WOULD COVER IT. [LAUGHTER] >> Greg: AFTER AN E LEARNING I CAN REACTION TO SMOKING WHILE ON ANTI BIOTICS AN OHIO MAN'S TONGUE TURNED GREEN AND HAIRY. DOCTORS SAY THEY HAVEN'T SEEN A TONGUE THIS GREEN SINCE MS PIGGY AND KERMIT WENT TO THIRD BASE. YEAH. WHERE DO YOU THINK HER HAND IS RIGHT NOW? FINALLY, THE TSA IS SPENDING MORE THAN A BILLION DOLLARS ON ADVANCED 3-D SCANNERS THAT CAN DETECT HARMFUL OBJECTS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ME, IT'S HOW THEY FOUND MY LOST STRETCH ARMSTRONG. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: MAYBE I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AFTER ALL. JUST OLD STRETCH ARMSTRONG. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO SOME NEWS. THE WHITE HOUSE GETS DRAGGED FOR NOT FINDING OUT WHO LEFT THAT BAG. CRITICISMS GET LOUDER ABOUT THE MYSTERIOUS PA RUBEIAN MARCHING POWERED. CASE CLOSED INTO THE WHITE HOUSE COCAINE MYSTERY AFTER THE SECRET SERVICE SAYS THEY FOUND NO EVIDENCE POINTING TO A SUSPECT. HUNTER WAS SO EXCITED WIND THE NEWS HE DID 14 LINES OF COKE. BUT, YEAH, GET THIS, NO SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE, NO DNA, NO FINGERPRINTS, NO NOTHING. NOT EVEN A LAPTOP COMPUTER DOCUMENTING THE CRIME WITH TEXTS, E-MAILS AND VIDEO. BUT IF THEY FOUND THAT THEY WOULD JUST CALL THAT RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION. SO APPARENTLY SECURITY IS SO LAX IN THE WEST WING THEY EVEN LET IN KAMALA HARRIS. BUT IT'S GOOD TO KNOW IF YOU'RE PLANNING ANYTHING THEY MAY AS WELL PUT UP A BILLBOARD SAYING WITH US IN CHARGE IT'S REALLY EASY TO ASSASSINATE PEOPLE. NATURALLY EX FEDERAL AGENTS ARE SKEPTICAL AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY THEY'RE EX FEDERAL AGENTS. ONE TELLING THE POST, QUOTE, THIS IS A COVERUP. IT IS A RESTRICTED AREA AND THEY HAVE A LOGBOOK. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE COLUMBUS BOW TO FIGURE OUT WHO WAS THERE. IT'S TRUE BUT IF YOU WERE COLUMBO THAT WOULD BE WEIRD BECAUSE YOU'RE A TV CHARACTER. IT WOULD BE WEIRD ACTUALLY. ANOTHER ONE SAID THEY IDENTIFIED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE TO BUILDING ON JANUARY 6TH BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHO LEFT SOMETHING IN AN EIGHT BY TEN ROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE? YEAH, TO BE FAIR, THOUGH, SOME OF THE PEOPLE THERE AT JANUARY 6TH WERE EASY TO SPOT. ONE VETERAN INVESTIGATOR ASKED, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF IT HAD BEEN A BAG OF ANTHRAX? THAT WAS AN EASY ANSWER. HUNTER WOULD HAVE SNORTED THAT, TOO. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: JIM, JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU A SYNOPSIS OF YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE A VETERAN COMIC, YOU'RE WHITE, A HABITUAL DRUG USER KNOWN TO DO TERRIBLE THINGS IN HOTEL ROOMS. IF THIS WAS YOUR COKE YOU WOULD ALREADY BE AT REICHER'S WOULDN'T YOU? >> ANYBODY THAT DOES COKE WOULDN'T LEAVE A BAG BEHIND. THAT'S SMART. >> Greg: IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE MILITARY, NEVER LEAVE A BAG BEHIND. >> Jim: YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SO, YOU KNOW, LOOK, WHERE ALL THE NEWS OF HUNTER, YOU KNOW, ALL THE STUFF IN THE NEWS ABOUT HIM IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD FOR HIM. THAT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, GOING TO OJ SIMPSON'S HOUSE NOW AND FINDING A BLOODY KNIFE. THERE'S GOING TO BE SUS SOMME SUSPICIONS. THE WHITE HOUSE LOOKS STUPID BECAUSE THEY'RE SAYING WE DON'T KNOW. JUST PUT OUT A STATEMENT SAYING LISTEN, WE TESTED THE STUFF AND IT'S JOE'S METAMUCIL. PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT, OKAY HE'S OLD HE TAKES IT. >> GREG: THEY SHOULD HAVE A BACK UP STORY. IF YOU WENT TO OJ'S AND FOUND A BLOODY KNIFE I WOULD GO TO THE TRENCH AND PULL OUT THIS AMAZING STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE. AND YOU GO OH, I'M SO SORRY I THOUGHT IT WAS BLOOD. THEN YOU STAB THEM. >> JUST GET EVERYTHING THAT WAS THERE THAT DAY GET THEM IN THE ROOM AND SAY ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS TO PARTY. AND SOMEONE'S GOING TO GO, ME, JUMP. SOMEONE'S GOING TO FLINCH. . (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Greg: CARLEY, YOU PROBABLY COVERED THIS IN THE MORNING BEFORE ANY OF US ARE UP. >> Carley: YEAH. >> Greg: WHEN YOU'RE DOING THIS STORY, IN YOUR HEAD THERE'S THE SCRIPT GOING THIS IS MEANINGLESS. >> Carley: OKAY, YOU KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP LAST WEEK WHEN THE SECRET SERVICE CAME OUT AND SAID THEY WERE GOING TO WRAP UP THE INVESTIGATION WHETHER THEY FOUND THE PERSON OR NOT. LIKE WHEN DOES A LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY JUST SAY THAT THEY'RE GOING TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND STOP CARING. THAT WAS WEIRD. AND THEN THE OTHER THING THAT WAS WEIRD ABOUT THIS IS THAT THE COCAINE WAS FOUND -- IT KEPT ON JUMPING AROUND AS TO WHERE IT WAS FOUND. SO FIRST IT WAS THE LIBRARY AND THEN IT WAS THE WEST WING AND THEN IT ENDS UP BEING THE SITUATION ROOM WHERE THERE ARE NO CAMERAS. INTERESTING. AND THEN THERE'S THE REACTION TO THE WHOLE THING AND KARINE JEAN-PIERRE SAYING, HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK THAT IT'S THE FIRST SON'S COCAINE. LIKE, HE'S THE ONE THAT WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BEING A CRACK COCAINE ADDICT AND WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK IT? I DIDN'T WRITE THE BOOK HE DID. >> Greg: THAT'S SO TRUE. IT HOPPED FROM ROOM TO ROOM WHAT IF IT WAS MEXICAN JUMPING COKE. >> Carley: THE NEW KIND. >> Greg: REMEMBER JUMPING UP MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THOSE? DID YOU EVER SNORT ONE OF THOSE. YOU KNOW, HOTEP I CAN FINALLY SAY I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BLACK. HERE YOU HAVE A WHITE MAN WHO, YOU KNOW, GETS AWAY WITH A CRIME THAT I WOULD BE ARRESTED FOR. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE DEALT WITH YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. >> Hotep Jesus: MY ENTIRE LIFE. LIKE YOU RUN DOWN THE LIST OF JOBS OR CAREERS I POSSIBLY COULD HAVE HAD AND I'M PROBABLY THE GUY THAT WOULD HAVE SOLD THE COKE TO HUNTER, RIGHT? I WAS A RAPPER IN A FORMER LIFE, BUT ONE CAREER PATH I NEVER EXPECTED WAS BEING A SECRET SERVICE INVESTIGATOR. I THINK I'M QUALIFIED FOR THIS POSITION BECAUSE I JUST HAVE AN IDEA I KNOW WHOSE COKE THIS IS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] >> Greg: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? PERHAPS WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHO IT IS, RIGHT? LIKE WE DON'T KNOW WHO KILLED EPSTEIN. WE DON'T KNOW WHO KILLED JFK. SECRET. >> Hotep Jesus: I KNOW WHO DID IT. I KNOW WHOSE COKE IT IS, I KNOW WHOSE BLOW IT IS, I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY DON'T KNOW. >> Greg: YEAH. >> Hotep Jesus: THIS IS YOUR JOB. >> Greg: YEAH >> WE ALL KNOW WHOSE IT IS. >> Greg: JUST PROOF THAT, KAT, YOU AND I MADE A MISTAKE, YOU BEING A LIBERTARIAN AND ME BEING A REPUBLICAN FOR SO LONG, SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN DEMOCRATS. WE COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING >> Kat: WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I'VE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES. >> Greg: THAT'S TRUE >> Kat: BUT I THINK THAT IF THERE'S A BAG OF COCAINE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO DO KNOW WHOSE IT IS BECAUSE COCAINE IS NOT REALLY A DRUG THAT MAKES YOU NOT TALK. >> Greg: YEAH >> Kat: THIS PERSON DOES SO MUCH BLOW THAT THEY'RE BRINGING IT TO WORK? THIS PERSON DOES A LOT OF BLOW. THEY'RE NOT LIKE, THEY'RE NOT NOT TELLING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE. >> Greg: YEAH >> Kat: THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP BECAUSE THEY'RE DOING COCAINE. >> Greg: IN FACT THAT'S A GREAT STRATEGY FOR THE SECRET SERVICE BRING EVERYBODY IN AND JUST GIVE THEM COKE AND THEN YOU INTERROGATE THEM. WHAT DO YOU THINK? GIVE THEM COKE. >> Carley: GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. >> Greg: IT IS A TRUTH SENIOR UM, AN EXAGGERATION OF A TRUTH SERUM. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ANSWER ME? >> Kat: SHOULD COPS GIVE PEOPLE COKE AND INTERROGATE THEM? >> Greg: YES, SERIOUS QUESTION >> Kat: I GUESS IF THEY ASK FOR IT. YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM BUT WOULD YOU LIKE COKE LIKE DO YOU WANT A SIG. WOULD YOU LIKE A BURGER AND A COKE. SOMETIMES I WATCH AND SAY IT'S NOT THAT BAD GETTING ARRESTED BECAUSE PEOPLE GO GET YOU FOOD. >> Hotep Jesus: THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME FOOD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]. >> Greg:. >> Greg: SEE WHAT I MEAN? NOW I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. ALL RIGHT, U
