IT'S WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN NASHVILLE. ORISKANY LIKES TO CALL IT KNOW, OFFICER, THOSE ARE NOT MY DRUGS DAY. SHE IS JUST HOLDING THEM FOR A FRIEND. A FRIEND NAMED KEITH RICHARDS. WHAT A GREAT SHOW, JOINING US, CANDACE OWENS. CANDACE HAS MORE HATERS ON THE LEFT THAN PERSONAL HYGIENE. THAT SAYS SOMETHING. IF SHE WERE ANY SMARTER AND BEAUTIFUL, SHE WOULD BE ME. OH, LOOK WHO HAS JOINED US, THE CHARMING PETE HEGSETH. YOU NO, HE SMILES AND NOW THE WHOLE FRONT ROW IS PREGNANT. THIS GUY HAS MORE THAN THE CARDS FOR KIDS COMMERCIAL. GIVES THE LADIES MORE HOT FLASHES AND MENOPAUSE. LIKE A HERSHEY BAR LEFT IN THE HOT CAR, WHEN PETE IS ON TV, THE WOMEN JUST UP THERE AND MELT. NOT JUST THE WOMEN. OF COURSE WE HAVE KAT. THERE SHE IS. SINCE SHE HAS BEEN IN NASHVILLE, SHE HAS REALLY EMBRACED THE COWBOY LIFESTYLE. I GIVE HER POINTS FOR TRYING. WE HAD TO PUT DOWN THE HORSE." THIS TIRES. AND OF COURSE THERE IS TYRUS. I'LL JUST MOVE ON. WE'VE GOT TO THANK THE AMAZING AUDIENCE HERE TONIGHT. WE LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU CHOSE US OVER ALL THE OTHER STUFF, LIKE THE CRAP CURRENTLY ON LATE-NIGHT TV AND I CAN'T SAY I BLAME YOU. HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT IS ON COLBERT? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S A BUNCH OF NEEDLES AND ONE ANNOYING PRICK. TOO EASY. THAT'S TOO EASY. ALL RIGHT. THAT CLIP WAS FROM JUNE BUT IT'S LIKE FINDING 20 BOOKS UNDER SEAT CUSHION. IT MAY BE OLD BUT IT'S NEW TO US. WHO KNEW ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE JAB WAS IMMEDIATE CANCER OF THE FUNNY BONE? THAT WAS SO BAD IT GAVE COURTNEY LOVE A FEAR OF NEEDLES. THE AUDIENCE PROBABLY WISHED THOSE NEEDLES WERE FILLED WITH CYANIDE. IT'S NOT AN ARGUMENT AGAINST VACCINE. IT'S AN ARGUMENT FOR LETHAL INJECTION. I FEAR YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DRINK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA TO RECOVER FROM THIS. OR AS KAT CALLS IT, A JUICE CLEANSE. >> Kat: I'M A NICE PERSON. >> Greg: YOU ARE. SPEAKING OF VOMITING, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING MAKING US SICK. "THE NEW YORK TIMES" PUBLISHED A REDESIGN OF THE AMERICAN FLAG BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE CURRENT ONE REEKS OF WHITE PRIVILEGE. LOOK AT THIS ONE. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SALUTE IT OR CALIBRATE THE COLOR OF MY NEW FLAT SCREEN. IF YOUR CHILD SHOWED YOU THAT, YOU KICK THE BRAT OUT OF ARTS AND CRAFTS. IF IT REPEATS KID HE WOULD LEAD BY THE ROADSIDE ON FAMILY VACATION. HE'S GOT PLENTY OF SPARES. WHAT IS HE CARED. LOOK AT THIS ONE. IT IS CALLED LIFT EVERY VOICE AND SING. I CALL IT OPEN EVERY MOUTH AND PUKE. DO THESE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT A FLAG IS QUESTION MARKET IS SUPPOSED TO INSPIRE PATRIOTISM, NOT AN ANEURYSM. THEN THERE IS THIS ONE. THIS ONE IS GIVING ME A MIGRAINE JUST LOOKING AT IT. MY EYES KNOW HOW MY EARS FEEL WHEN AOC SPEAKS. IF YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A HANGOVER, AT LEAST LET ME EARN IT BY DRINKING. THAT'S NOT A FLAG. IT'S THE WALLPAPER IN A $5 A NIGHT MOTEL IN NEW JERSEY. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. THAT WAS QUITE A WEEKEND, PETE. THE PATTERN FOR A CLOWN'S PAJAMAS. SPEAKING OF CLOUDS AND PAJAMAS, HOW IS JOE DOING? ACCORDING TO AN "ABC NEWS" POLL, PUBLIC APPROVAL OF HOW HE'S HANDLING KEY ISSUES IS ERODING FASTER THAN HUNTER'S SEPTUM. I CARE ABOUT HIS HEALTH. BY THE WAY, WHEN THIS POLL SAYS KEY ISSUES, THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES JOE TO FIND HIS KEYS EVERY MORNING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO POLLING, HE IS MORE UNDERWATER THAN A TED KENNEDY DATE. OH, YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT? DON'T KILL ANYBODY THEN. OH, WE'LL FIND IT SOMEONE WHO LEFT OH GIRL DIED. MY APOLOGIES. WE OFFENDED SOMEONE WHO LET A GIRL DIE. THE NUMBERS ARE LIKE JOE'S TEETH IN A GLASS NEXT TO HIS BED, FLOATING AT THE BOTTOM AND HE MAKES IT WORSE BY MAKING CRAP UP THAT'S HYSTERICAL. COLBERT SHOULD HIRE HIM AS A WRITER. THE $3.5 TRILLION SPENDING BILL ACTUALLY COST US NOTHING. YEAH, TELL US, JOE. >> EVERY TIME I HEAR, THIS IS GOING TO COST ABC OR DO YOU, THE TRUTH IS, BASED ON THE COMMITMENT I MADE, IT'S GOING TO COST NOTHING BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO RAISE THE REVENUE. >> Greg: SURE YOU ARE, GRAMPS, AND I'M GOING TO START FOR THE CELTICS NEXT YEAR. NOT THIS YEAR. >> SOME HAVE EXPRESSED PUBLICLY THAT THEY'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH 3.5, EVEN THOUGH ZERO COSTS $0. >> Greg: SOME HAVE DISAGREED PUBLICLY WITH YOU AND WHY? BECAUSE WE AREN'T STUPID AND WE AREN'T SUCKERS. WHAT TOTAL STREET: THIS IS. IT'S TOTALLY FREE BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THE MONEY AFTERWARDS BY TAXING THE HELL OUT OF YOU BUT BY THE TIME WE STEAL THAT MONEY WILL HAVE ANOTHER TRILLION DOLLAR BILL WHICH AGAIN WILL PAY FOR LATER BY TAXING THE HELL OUT OF YOU. IT NEVER ENDS. LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT. IN JOE'S CASE, LATHER, RINSE, FALL BETWEEN THE SINK AND TOILET. IT'S NOT A BUDGET. IT'S A PYRAMID SCHEME. ONE STEP FROM SELLING HOUSEHOLD CLEANING SUPPLIES FROM YOUR TRUNK. SO WE ELECTED BIDEN AND INSTEAD WE GOT BERNIE MADE OFF AND APPARENTLY THE SPENDING BILL INCLUDES FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. WHICH GIVEN THE STATE OF OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM SHOULD BE CONSIDERED CRUEL AND INHUMAN PUNISHMENT. BY THE TIME THEY GRADUATE THEY WON'T BE QUALIFIED FOR ANYTHING THAT THEY WILL HAVE LEARNED 15 NEW PRONOUNS FOR A BEARDED LADY. WHAT DOES JOE HAVE TO SAY FOR HIMSELF? >> EVERYBODY'S ASKING ME, JOE, WHAT IS THIS GOING TO COST ME? WHAT AM I GOING TO OH? STAYED WITH UNCLE JOE AND YOU WILL OWE NOTHING. >> Greg: DID HE SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID? >> STICK WITH UNCLE JOE AND YOU WILL OWN NOTHING. >> YOU WILL OWE NOTHING. >> Greg: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT HE SAID. LUCKILY FOR THIS WHITE HOUSE, THEY CAN TRUST THE MEDIA TO BACK UP THE B.S. THIS IS AN ACTUAL HEADLINE FROM "THE WASHINGTON POST." STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE. BIDEN AND HARRIS HAVE GOTTEN THINGS DONE. YEAH, YEAH, STOP FOCUSING ON THE BAD STUFF. THAT'S LIKE TELLING A DEATH ROW INMATE THAT HIS LAST MEAL IS GLUTEN-FREE. BUT HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD CONSIDER ALL THE GOOD THINGS THE WHITE HOUSE HAS DONE. LET'S GO THROUGH THE LIST. ♪ ♪ [LAUGHTER] >> Greg: IT'S SO JUVENILE. BY THE WAY, DOING NOTHING ISN'T A BAD THING. LOOK HOW FAR IT HAS GOTTEN KAT. THE THING IS, WE ARE IN A DESTRUCTION LOOP. GOVERNMENT CREATES A PROBLEM AND THEN DEMANDS MONEY TO PAY FOR IT. IT'S LIKE THE GUY THAT BREAKS 50 STOREFRONT WINDOWS AND THEN OPENS A GLASS COMPANY THE NEXT DAY. THAT'S OUR GOVERNMENT WHICH IS WHY I PREFER A GOVERNMENT THAT SITS ON ITS HANDS BECAUSE THEN IT'S HANDS AREN'T GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET OR GRABBING YOUR ASS. LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS. LIKE SLEEPING ON A WATER BED, SHE'S ALWAYS MAKING WAVES. CONSERVATIVE COMMENTATOR AND HOST OF "CANDACE" ON THE DAILY WIRE, CANDACE OWENS. BACK HOME IN MINNESOTA, THEY CALL HIM THE ORIGINAL "HOT DISH." AND HE'S TWO KIDS AWAY FROM A STARTING A LINE-UP. "FOX AND FRIENDS WEEKEND" CO-HOST PETE HEGSETH. THE ONLY THING NEAT ABOUT HER IS HOW SHE DRINKS HER WHISKEY. FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF. AND WHEN HE RIDES THE MECHANICAL BULL, THE BULL HAS TO SIGN A WAIVER. MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK AND THE NWA'S WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION, TYRUS. LET'S GET TO THE SHOW. PETE, HERO TO HERO. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. >> THANK YOU FOR YOURS. >> Greg: YOU HAVE A LOT OF AMERICAN FLAG TATTOOS. ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO REDESIGN YOUR TATTOOS IF THEY CHANGE THE FLAG? >> IT'S AN INTERESTING THOUGHT. A SIMPLE EXERCISE. LOOKING UP THE COLOR BARS THAT YOU PUT UP ON THE SCREEN. I THINK ALL THOSE THINGS. YOU HAVE DANCING NEEDLE MEN. YOU HAVE COLOR BARS, AND WHAT WAS THE LAST EXAMPLE? 3.5 EQUALS ZERO. THEY ARE SO CRINGEWORTHY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO LAUGH BUT THE PEOPLE SAYING THEM ARE ACTUALLY SERIOUS. HER >> Pete: EXACTLY. IT'S LIKE COWS FARTING ARE GOING TO END LIKE THE PLANET, NOT THE ISLAMISTS ARE THE MARXISTS. ANY OTHER EXAMPLES. THE LEFT IS SO DAMN SERIOUS BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A JOKE. THAT'S WHY IT'S SO CRINGE EAT FOR EVERYONE. IT'S LIKE AOC IS A SERIOUS THINKER. >> Greg: WHY DO COWS FART SO MUCH? BECAUSE THEY ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT. THEY MAKE IT. IT'S RIGHT THERE. IF YOU CAN REACH IT. SOMETHING I LEARNED IN GRADE SCHOOL. CANDACE, WE CELEBRATED THREE CRINGEWORTHY TOPICS. THE FLAG REDESIGN, COLD BEERS MUSICAL THEATER, JOE BIDEN NOT DOING MATH. PICK ONE. >> Candace: IT'S COLD AIR. -- IT'S COLBERT. HE MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS. I NEVER FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN HE'S DOING THAT. THERE'S SOMETHING, HE COULD WIND UP AS A DATELINE EPISODE. COLBERT, I SAY THAT, DON'T DO ANYTHING ME, I'VE NEVER BAD -- NEVER HAVE ANYTHING BAD TO SAY. SO CRINGEWORTHY. YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO TRY THAT HARD TO BE FUNNY. HE TRIES SO HARD AND HE MISSES THE MARK EVERY TIME. >> Greg: I DON'T TRY HARD. THAT'S WHY I MISSED THE MARK BUT THE THING IS, WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, WHAT'S WEIRD IS A BACKGROUND IN MUSICAL THEATER. THINK ABOUT EVERYBODY YOU KNOW THAT WAS SOMEHOW INVOLVED IN MUSICAL THEATER. WHERE ARE THEY NOW, KAT? THEY ARE PROBABLY LIVING IN YOUR APARTMENT. >> Kat: I HAD TO BE THE NARRATOR BECAUSE I CAN'T SING. >> Greg: I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOU SAYING. YOUR DREAM IS TO BE A DATELINE EPISODE. FORENSIC FILES. >> Kat: I DON'T WANT TO BE MURDERED. I AIM A LITTLE HIGHER THAN THAT, GREG. THE FLAG THING. I'M CONFUSED HONESTLY. I READ THIS ARTICLE, ONE OF THE FLAKES THAT HAD SOMETHING TO REPRESENT RACISM. I WAS CONFUSED BECAUSE FLANKS AS I UNDERSTAND THEM ARE THINGS THE WAY AROUND TO BE LIKE YAY THIS O ISN'T IT MORE OFFENSIVE IF THE . WE DON'T PUT BAD THINGS ON FLANKS. WE DON'T HAVE A FLAG THAT SAYS MODERATE TO SEVERE PLAQUE PSORIASIS. >> Greg: WHAT IS IT? IT'S LIKE PICASSO VOMITED. >> Kat: HE PROBABLY DID SOMETIMES. >> Greg: TYRUS, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS? >> Tyrus: FIRST OF ALL BULLS DON'T RIDE BULLS. >> Greg: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANS. >> Tyrus: THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE AND BEING COLOR-BLIND, I WAS SAD ABOUT IT BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO BE COLOR-BLIND AFTER WHAT I SOB THERE. GRAY AND GREEN. IMAGINE IF I COULD SEE COLOR, I WOULD BE THROWING UP. YOU GUYS ARE ALL WRONG. THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. IT WILL COST YOU NOTHING BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING. THEY ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO TAX CHILD SUPPORT. AS IF WE DON'T GET ENOUGH, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO TAX US ON THAT? YOU GIVE YOUR KIDS MONEY TO GO TO THE STORE. YOU LITERALLY WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING. THEY ARE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. THEY ARE JUST NOT TELLING YOU THE REAL TRUTH. BUT THAT'S HOW IT WORKS IN PROGRESS OF LAND WHERE EVERYTHING IS FUZZY AND WARM AND NOTHING COSTS ANYTHING BECAUSE WE ARE ALL IN A NICE PLACE TOGETHER. YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR BILLS AND WE ARE ALL LIVING IN MODULAR HOMES TOGETHER SO WE'LL ALL CLAIM TO BE RICH WHEN WE ARE NOT KILLING EACH OTHER BECAUSE THERE'S NO POLICE AROUND TO KEEP US FROM TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. BUT IT'S PHENOMENAL. >> Greg: WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. BY THE WAY, I READ THE ENTIRE SPENDING BILL. YEAH, NO. I READ A TWEET ABOUT IT. DEVOTING $3 BILLION TO TREAT EQUITY. TREE EQUITY. THERE'S AN INEQUALITY OF TREES IN THE COUNTRY SO WE HAVE TO BRING UP THE QUALITY OF TREES, $3 BILLION. FOLIAGE
