(graphics whooshing)
(intense rock music) (graphics whack) - We got shirts, put them on your torso! Link's in the description, bye! (no audio) (sword clinks) ♪ Into the silent dark and forgotten ♪ ♪ Caves of Dar-Kunor ♪ ♪ Now they swore to band together ♪ ♪ Our sacred journey ♪ ♪ Called by fate, ♪ ♪ time to be great ♪ ♪ Unholy Warcry ♪ (no audio) (birds chirping) (warm pastoral music)
- Bloody coughing disease! Who wants to cough delicious blood? - [Person] I always thought
my coughs were boring, give me the plague! I want the plague!
(warm pastoral music) - Hi, welcome
(upbeat string music) to our Adventurer's Guild, are you making a delivery? Well,
(dramatic thump) deliveries go in the back! Also, if you can't take a stab wound, go back home to mommy! - I can't wait
(upbeat string music) to stab a dragon! They're gonna call me
Dragon Stabber! (snickering) (Armor Midriff Guy screams) - That sounds way cooler than my name, which is Hat Guy with a Stick. Let's be best friends,
(upbeat string music) yay, yeah! - Ah, it's like a breath of fresh air, seeing so many new recruits. - I can't believe it's already been a year since you were a newbie yourself! You've come a long way, priesty girl! (upbeat string music) - I must have looked just like
all these fresh faced rookies when I first walked in. I'm just glad that despite the Demon Lord's defeat Last year, a fund to hire new adventurers
was made by Noble Fencer. - Who?
(upbeat string music) - You know, the Fencer? The screaming girl who came with us to the dwarven fortress
filled with goblins? We defeated a goblin paladin,
(heavenly harp music flourish) and got her Mithril, I mean, aluminum sword back? It was a whole thing! - Mm.
(glass shattering) Nope, not ringing any bells. - The one who sends you all the letters? (tense string music) And doesn't send me any letters? - Oh, that's who that is! I completely forgot! How drunk did I get
(tense droning music) after that adventure? - Very.
(upbeat orchestral music) You wailed like a banshee
about wanting to be pen pals. - You know, that explains how
she knows so much about me. I just thought I had
a very polite stalker. - Let's kill an owlbear
and steal its baby, yay! (Stock Adventurer Guy crashes) (upbeat orchestral music) - Well, it was nice knowing those guys before they became Bear Pellets. Some people just don't learn. - You guys talking about elves over here? I'm always down for an
elf shit-talking session. One, they're dumb,
(upbeat orchestral music) two, they're thin, three, they're dumb. I said it before, but I meaned it twice. - (laughs) As if! Elves are better than
dwarves in every way! For instance, our ears
(upbeat orchestral music) are far more sensitive,
(ears pipping) and incredible than dwarf ears! - And yet ya still don't listen. - Hello fellow adventurers!
(tense orchestral music) I have returned from my big
green brumation adventure to eat all your cheese. Brumation is Lizard sleepy
time, in case you didn't know. I didn't know,
(dramatic thump) I thought I'd died. - I can't say it's nice to see you, so I won't say anything at all. - Hooray, where's my favorite
(triumphant heroic music) stinky armor man that we love so much? Where is he? I need him. (intense rock music)
(footfall clanks) (patrons gasp)
(whip cracks) (footsteps tapping)
(armor clinking) - Who's that stinky man? - Take a big whiff, guys,
(intense rock music) that's a smell of a real adventurer. (patron sniffs) (patron groans) Oh God!
(flames roar) - [Goblin Slayer] All right, goblin slaying madmen and madwomen! Winter is coming.
(spirited folk music) - It's over.
- Winter is over! And spring is rearing
its pollen-covered head! - [Allergic Adventurer] Augh,
ah, my allergies, my sinuses! - [Goblin Slayer] And
you know what that means? Goblin slaying season is here! (spirited folk music) So many slayable goblins,
they're out there, I can practically taste them! (Goblin Slayer slurping and groaning) (spirited folk music) Yeah, all right, let's grab
your stuff, let's get going! Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go now! (dramatic thump)
(armor clicks) - Okay, where's the quest say to go? - Right, quests, I remembered. Be right back for unrelated reasons. (armor clinking)
(footsteps thumping) (upbeat triumphant music)
- Well, if it isn't my worst
enemy, greatest rival, and best man at my wedding, Goblin Slayer. What are ya doing here, you old so-and-so? - Who are you?
(armor clinks) - Have you forgotten all
(upbeat triumphant music) the time we shared
together in the dungeon? It was cold, so we held each
other tenderly for warmth? You were there, I was there,
(gesture rustles) We were there,
(upbeat triumphant music) anything?
(gesture rustles) - [Goblin Slayer] I think
you might be confusing me with some other Goblin Slayer! - As if, there's only one Goblin Slayer. - Goddamn right!
(armor clinking) There can only be one Goblin Slayer! (Goblin Slayer cackling)
(warm pastoral music) - What a calm and collected adventurer. - I hear he takes all
the goblin slaying quests before anyone else can, what a cool guy. - I thought no one really takes
those quests to begin with. Does that still make him cool? (warm pastoral music) - Very cool and very collected, but most of all, very calm. (Goblin Slayer screaming)
(footsteps tapping) - Guild Girl.
(tense eerie music) - Yeah, yeah, take a
number, and get in line, maybe I'll get to you this year, and- - Guild Girl!
(Goblin Slayer crunching) - Oh gods.
- Guild Girl, Guild Girl!
(Goblin Slayer rumbling) - Yeah? - Hi, also, where are
the filthy goblins at? - Uh.
(suspenseful music sting) Yeah, okay.
(book rustles) You never ask me anything interesting, like when we're going
(warm orchestral music) on an actual date ever
since they canceled fall. - Yeah, crazy how a whole
(pages rustling) season can just disappear like
that in a blink of an eye. Anyway,
(armor clinks) just let me know
(warm orchestral music) when your next day off is. (Guild Girl groans and laughs) - Whoa, that's crazy,
he made Guild Girl cry! - She's normally
(warm orchestral music) the one that makes me cry! (paper rustles)
- Here, pick your favorite, and we'll start with that one! We're gonna do all of these.
(pages rustling) - I don't mind doing one or two of these, but it seems like
(warm orchestral music) you're implying that we're about to do 15 quests in a single day. - You trying to break
a record, or something? - [Goblin Slayer] (laughs)
Good eye, star pupil! Now,
(armor clinks) let's get cracking! (door clunking) (dramatic clunk)
(Elf groans) - My bones are cracking!
(moody flute music) - Eh, great job out there, Elf, here's a congratulatory back smack, ruh!
(Dwarf smacks) (Elf groans)
(tense humming music) - I'll take care of Priestess Goblin Slayer,
(moody flute music) she's on the verge of death,
(armor clinks) and I need her to grow a bit more, so her bones will be useful to me. - [Goblin Slayer] Yeah, you can take her, I trust you completely.
(moody flute music) Besides, we got a big day coming up. We only did 14 goblin slaying quests, so we gotta start all over tomorrow! (Elf groans)
(text clanks) (tense humming music) (door clicks and clunks)
(armor clinks) - [Goblin Girl] Hey Guild
Girl, you still around? I used my last magic squirrel on a quest, and I need a new one! Huh?
(armor clinks) (soft lullaby music)
(Wizard Boy snoring) (Wizard Boy snorting and murmuring) I know that sound anywhere.
(intense rock music) It's either one and a half
goblins in a trench coat trying to infiltrate the guild, or a scrawny iwzard with sleep apnea. I choose the former.
(armor clinks) Get ready, you tiny
(sword clinks) fucking one and a half goblins! (intense rock music) (Wizard Boy snoring)
It's goblin slaying time! (footsteps thumping) - Mm, I'm the fucking wizard king. (soft lullaby music)
(Goblin Slayer cackling) Huh?
(intense rock music) - [Goblin Slayer] Table,
you take the front, I'll take the back! (Wizard Boy shrieks)
(dramatic thump) Huh? Hmm. You're way too shrieky to be a goblin. (sighs) Whatever. Yeah, carry on with your homelessness. (sword clinking) - Huh, huh?
(playful string music) Goblin Slayer, I'm not
sleeping here at the guild to save money on rent. You use the free showers in the back! I mean,
(plate clinks) forget this ever happened. - Bribe accepted!
(armor clinks) (Goblin slurps and sputters)
(playful string music) Oh, oh! Ugh, mm! (Goblin Slayer slurps and groans) Yeah, this tea could
use more opaque water. - Pay for it
(tense droning music) with your own money then, asshole. Anyway,
(playful string music) how'd your missions go? - [Goblin Slayer] There were
goblins, now there aren't. - I'm going to regret asking, but could you go into more detail? - Sure!
(armor clinks) So, me and the gang are
out killing goblins- - Uh-huh?
- You know, doing our old same shit,
(cheerful playful music) and out of nowhere-
- Yeah? - [Goblin Slayer] You know, this big fucking goblin comes in-
- Okay. - [Goblin Slayer] And you know, you know how much I love big goblins. - Yeah, uh-huh?
- And I'm like, they go, buh-boom, and then they're-
- Okay. - [Goblin Slayer] Ugh, and
they're like Humpty Dumpty on the ground.
- Really? - And I'm like- (cackles)
- Hmm. (cheerful playful music) - Die, and they're like,
(Guild Girl mmhmms) oh no, is this the end?
- Yeah, oh yeah, sure, that happened.
- The magical squirrel! - (mmhmms) Yeah, okay.
- Then the magical squirrel teleports in the air,
(Guild Girl mmhmms) and then we're like, yeah,
we're throwing our parachute! - Down, I-
- Then everyone was screaming, and then-
- Slow it, slow it down. - [Goblin Slayer] I
summoned a wind spirit- - I, what--
- I summoned a wind spirit- - Dude, you're setting
off my carpal tunnel! (cheerful playful music) - [Goblin Slayer] That was the greatest fucking day of my life! And now I'm here telling you about it. (dramatic thump)
Hey, hey! That's proprietary
(whip cracks) information you're mooching off, kiddo! You gotta pay your Goblin
Slayer dojo entry fee if you want these nuggets! Also, I'll need to subject you
to a litany of goblin tests. - Wait a minute,
(bag rustles) A guy in stinky armor
(tense eerie music) obsessed with killing goblins? Goblin Slayer dojo? Eh, it's probably nothing. - [Goblin Slayer] My name's Goblin Slayer, by the way, nice to meet you. Did I mention I'm Goblin Slayer? (armor clinking) - Goblin Slayer?
(tense eerie music) (Wizard Boy coughs and sputters) Goblin Slayer!
(whip cracks) At long last! I knew you'd follow me here! - [Goblin Slayer] I don't
remember you at all, buddy. Why does this keep happening to me? - We met earlier today! (light whooshes) - I'm excited about
(upbeat cheerful music) my promotion evaluation tomorrow, oop!
(Wizard Boy crashes) - [Wizard Boy] Watch where
you're going, you old hag! - I'm 17! - [Goblin Slayer] 17, what the fuck? - If you wanna be mad
(upbeat cheerful music) at someone for being
old, be mad at the elf. She's practically geriatric! - Man, why? - Whatever!
(upbeat cheerful music) I don't have time for any of you fossils!
(dramatic thumps) - Yes, my ancestors are all fossils, yes. - I'm on my way to the Adventurer's Guild where I'm gonna become the Wizard King! - That's not a thing.
(upbeat cheerful music) - I'm gonna make it a thing! Smell ya later, nerds!
(upbeat adventurous music) (Wizard Boy cackling) - (sighs) And you all
wonder why I day drink. - You day drink because
you're an alcoholic, this is just
(upbeat adventurous music) one of many excuses. - Oh wow, you solved
my alcohol puzzle, Elf. (cork pops)
(Dwarf burbling) - That boy reminds me
(tense suspenseful music) of someone, but who? (light whooshes) - [Goblin Slayer] You made
all that up to prank me, it never happened!
(light playful music) - You were there! What do you mean it didn't happen? - No one talked about
goblins, killing goblins, or goblin-related paraphernalia,
so I kinda checked out. Assuming any of that did happen, which I still don't really believe. (light playful music) Anyway. Guild Girl!
(armor clinking) Pay me. (footsteps thumping)
- Mm, check, that, fuck! (tense orchestral music) My fucking knees! (Guild Girl crashing)
Here you go! 400 fucking gold. - 400?
(tense orchestral music) That's not impressive. Hmph! - Goddamn Fencing padding
(cheerful pastoral music) out the reward for goblin slaying
(muscles rumble) with that Fencer Special. - [Goblin Slayer] I'd do this job even without the Fencer Special. I'd do it even
(armor clinks) even if I had to pay you! - Okay, pay me.
(cheerful pastoral music) - Oh, Guild Girl,
(sack rumbles) you're so funny! Time to add this to the pile!
(armor clinking) - The only pile I have is my
disheveled single-sized bed that's as broken as my spirit! Anyway, (laughs) can't wait for that date! (Goblin Slayer cackling) - Homeless child!
(whip cracks) (Goblin Slayer whooshes)
(armor clinking) Where are you staying? - Here? - The guest room is mine,
(tense droning music) and if you try to take it
from me, I'll eat your carcass like a crazed rat. (Goblin Slayer cackles)
(cheerful pastoral music) - Oh, Guild Girl,
(armor clinks) you say the most hilarious,
threatening things! - I'm not joking. - Well, I can't cast Rope Trick yet, so- (Goblin Slayer cackling)
(cheerful pastoral music) - Fine, you're coming with me! (armor clinking) - Eugh, okay, where do you live? Where are we going?
(door clunking) Thank you for everything, Guild Nanny, unless you'll let me stay. (Guild Girl hissing)
(shocking music sting) (Wizard Boy shrieks)
(footsteps tapping) (door clunks) (gentle guitar music)
(crickets chirping) Where exactly are you
taking me, you cretin? Some hovel, or cave, or something? Am I going to discover
(footfalls crunch and thump) the origin for your wretched stench? - [Goblin Slayer] As good
as all those places are, I've got something even better. Someone else's house!
(gentle guitar music) Ta-da!
(crickets chirping) - A log cabin? I think I've read about this. It might be some sort of fah-arm. Is this where those Raul stakes come from? - All right,
(gentle guitar music) all we have to do is stealthily sneak in the back!
(footsteps crunching) We can't have her find out.
(crickets chirping) - What? - Uh, eh? (whip cracks)
Huh! Cow perimeter breached!
(tense militaristic music) (footsteps tapping)
Who goes there? (gasps) He's back!
(crickets chirping) Welcome home!
(cow moos) (cleavage boings)
(epic adventurous music) How was your most recent adventure? Did you get hurt? How many goblins did you kill? Do you want any stew? Is this your friend? - [Goblin Slayer] Good, no, 75, yes, and acquaintance at best!
(crickets chirping) Found him in the gutter.
(epic adventurous music) - What sort of udder beast is this? - You do smell guttery,
(dramatic clank) are you a homeless child?
(suspicious guitar music) - (laughs) What was that speed? Did you cast Dimension Door?
(crickets chirping) - Nah, it's cow speed,
I call it moo-vement. - That doesn't make any sense. (suspicious guitar music) - So, why'd you bring him over? - I, um, oh,
(crickets chirping) this is too close to a sleepover. She'll get too excited if she knows! Oh well, what's a convenient lie? To spend the night!
(suspicious guitar music) Dammit, that's the truth, gah! - (gasps) A sleepover!
(cheerful banjo music) (gasps) I only have one small pillow, and a teeny tiny blanket, (whip cracks)
but we could still make a sick pillow fort! - Bah, what are you?
(Wizard Boy rustles) (cheerful banjo music)
(crickets chirping) - I'm super down for the
world's greatest sleepover, but you'll have to convince him. - [Goblin Slayer] Oh, that'll be easy, he's super easygoing, and personable! - Him?
(crickets chirping) Who exactly are we talking about? - You're bringing varmints into my house? No varmints!
(tense droning music) That is the one rule, monkey kid! - You're a varmint,
(hands thunk) you scruffy, excrement-covered
crust farmer! You're unfit to kiss the ground I walk on, you pitiful ogre-brained oaf!
(tense droning music) (eyes whir and crunch)
- Sit down, varmint.
(dramatic thump) - Yes, sir.
(Wizard Boy rustles) - I know your type,
(warm chill music) bright-eyed and bushy tailed, eager to slap on a cow mask, and loudly bellow out a victory moo. But you're still green. You have no idea what
you still have to lose. (warm chill music) - I was with you until the cow mask thing. What kinda whackjob does that? - The cow mask thing was
at the very beginning! - Ugh, fine!
(whip cracks) I'll pay you for him to stay!
(goofy playful music) You want some money, eh? Jingle jangle? - No amount of money would make me let that cow disrespecting varmint into my home.
(goofy playful music) - [Goblin Slayer] All right,
ah, that's all I had, you win. I don't feel like arguing. Goodbye forever, homeless stranger boy. You'll be missed and then forgotten. - But uncle, the pillow fart!
(hand claps) Without it, he could die!
(goofy playful music) - Good. - I don't know, this
bench is already warm. - You can leave my house, or you can leave this earthly realm,
(goofy playful music) then leave my house.
(whip cracks) Up to you. - Uh. - Could he stay in the
barn with Goblin Slayer? - No, the barn is where we keep the filth. He's beneath that.
(goofy playful music) Goblin Slayer, put your trash under the rock.
(dramatic thump) - [Goblin Slayer] Ooh, cushy digs! Sounds nice and very fair!
(armor clinks) - Wait, what are you doing?
(tense perilous music) Don't come near me! Don't touch me! (objects shattering)
(Wizard Boy shrieks) (upbeat cheerful music)
(people chattering) - (groans) I'm dying. - [Goblin Slayer] Hey, good job surviving the other side of that rock! It's where I keep all my ants! - Is that why I'm so itchy?
(upbeat cheerful music) - [Goblin Slayer] Nah, it's probably just some poisonous plate
you rubbed up against, or some kinda rock sickness,
(armor clinks) and/or madness!
(footsteps thumping) Rock madness. But you'll be fine!
(armor clinks) (upbeat cheerful music)
Anyway, go kill rats before you try goblins, 'cause you know, you're
kinda pathetic and weak. You're really not ready
for that sorta challenge! Never talk to me again.
(armor clinks) Bye! - Ugh.
(upbeat cheerful music) - And now I'm over here!
(armor clinking) Don't worry who I was talking to, that, that was just no one, that was, you know what, I was talking to, no one. - Goblin Slayer,
(tense light music) it's terrible! - [Goblin Slayer] I know your pain. At least one goblin is
out there somewhere, breathing right now. Ugh, disgusting!
(tense light music) - There's other problems than
goblin existence, Orcbulge! The guild rejected Priestess's
promotion to Steel rank. - Oh, you guys care about that? I never even applied for the promotions. (tense light music) They just kept coming against my will. One time, Guild Girl got so mad at me that she just glued
(armor clinks) the medal into my torso. It's now, it's, my skin
has, like, absorbed it. It's inside of my body.
(tense light music) - The guild thinks I got
carried through our missions by you guys because you're Silver rank. - Well, that's not right at all. Honestly, you did more out
there than me last year! No one told the guild I said that, they might bust me down to Ruby, and I need that Silver rank salary. I fucking hate Ruby.
(tense droning music) - Is there anything we can do? - Ha, I cast that Cow Girl
(tense orchestral music) swill out of my system,
(footsteps tapping) and I feel better now! And that counts as a spell. Anyway, back to mocking you! Ha, the guild is right,
(tense orchestral music) you're totally a burden, you burden! - Hey, I'm not a burden,
(footsteps tap) you, mean, butt! Gimme five minutes, I'll come
up with something better. - Ugh. - All you do is beg
(tense orchestral music) your widdle god for handouts,
and sit in the back! Of course, you're getting
carried, all priests are! And everyone in this
guild would agree with me! Right, guys? (tense orchestral music) - Why, I never. - That's not very cool at all. I'll collect this in the book
of insults I've received, hmph!
- My second cousin's thrice removed roommate is a cleric. I hope he never hears about this. (tense orchestral music) Hold on,
(whip cracks) I'm a cleric, fuck this guy! - I don't need a god to
whoop your ass crazy style! I'll rip your ass cheeks
out through your nose, you scrawny wizard fuck!
(Rookie Warrior grunting) Then who will you pray to, a fucking book? (tense adventurous music) (Rookie Cleric roars)
- Oh my God, you're so strong! - Well, now I wish I said more. Anyone insult his stupid glasses yet? - Ah, they went for the glasses! (sniffles) No, it's genetic!
(tense adventurous music) - Your genes suck, boom!
(upbeat dance music) Grandpa's back in the game. - You might wanna watch out
(light peaceful music) saying things like that. Others in the guild
might not appreciate it. - They already berated me! - No, that was gentle ribbing. (light peaceful music) If they were serious, your
soul will be cleft in twain. Wait, I'm a priest! Gimme your soul!
(tense dramatic music) Your bones are weak!
(dramatic thunk) - That's enough! I'm an adventurer too,
(whip cracks) and I demand
(wind whooshing) to be taken seriously! - [Rookie Cleric] Fuck off! - Hey, Goblin Slayer,
(footsteps tapping) you know this kid?
(light string music) - [Goblin Slayer] Nope,
never seen him in my life. - I was just wondering,
because if Priestess could teach this
(dramatic thunk) little piece of shit to
be a real adventurer, the guild would have to
acknowledge her promotion. - But, oh, sorry.
(light string music) Yeah, I kinda blacked out until you said that little bit about taking the book nerd out to kill goblins. - I said no such thing.
(footstep taps) - [Goblin Slayer] That
sounds like a great plan! Priestess!
(whip cracks) Train my close, personal, strange protege boy!
(light string music) Wizard Boy, welcome to
the team, Temp-slayer! - What, what? - You'll address me as the Wizard King, you ungrateful swine!
(light string music) - God, I'm sick of this kid. I cast Smite Nerd!
(magic humming) (magic booms)
(Wizard Boy shrieks) - [Goblin Slayer] Okay,
train what's left of him. (no audio) Hey there,
(intense rock music) goblin slaying cadets! Good old Goblin Slayer here! If you liked all my goblin
slaying shenanigans, then please, head over to our
Patreon to support the show! Each dollar you gives
(intense rock music) slays one goblin! So, go for the high score, and keep helping this show on the road! We couldn't do without you. Okay, bye! (intense rock music)
