Get to Know Nate Bargatze in Seven Jokes

i'm from tennessee though originally and i still have a little bit of an accent because like people hear it and they always come up they're always like oh what's up where's your accent from i'm like tennessee like oh that's cool i have a cousin that lives in florida all right i don't even are we just naming states is that what's going on [Music] went to school in tennessee which is fun i went i went to a community college for an entire year and i do not have one credit it didn't like none of it counted the reason is because i had to take remedial classes so which remedial basically means they're like look we have no idea how your high school that you leave and we are shocked and we're actually going to look into it but but until the end here's your classes you're going to take here's what i took i took math like like i don't like the book said math like that's what how crazy is that they stopped calling it math after like sixth grade i i had to take reading i took reading i drove to that class i drove to a reading class i'm not even an immigrant i am from here i should have knocked that out years ago and with reading i think they were just impressed when you made it to the class look who made it today buddy you're like funny guys i'm like i'm pretty dumb i'm like you know i tell people i'm dumb i'm like i am dumb and but no one goes like okay they're just always like i bet you're not dumb and you're like well i'm trying to help you out here uh we're about to have a conversation so i'm just trying to give you a heads up here's a story i can prove it if i need to like i prove it like everybody's like no we yeah you know uh we don't need proof here's my proof is when i was 15 my first job was uh in nashville was at opryland theme park we used to have an amusement park and i was working and i'm eating lunch and this couple sits down and we start talking and stuff i was like i'm nate and the guy's like i'm john this is my wife jane and their their last name was doe so it was john and jane doe and i was just like that's the craziest thing like what are the odds of that you know like that's so crazy couldn't believe it cut two earlier this year i'm 35 i'm driving and i'm thinking about john and jane doe and you know i was like i bet they were lying to me about that that's how long it took 20 years for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn't remember saying i don't think they would remember it they'd like maybe we did that well it worked it worked so good i tried to i tried to google them because i was like maybe they'd stop maybe they're not lying you know i'll find them and go talk to them uh but i'm sad to report they were murdered yeah yeah yeah it's not good it's like i think of it like uh like time traveling like if i could go back in time like i go back time tonight and go back to like the 20s knowing everything i know right now i don't think i would make a difference i don't think you guys would even hear about it i don't think you would i just don't because i don't have anything to get you know like i would go back and i would see like some guy on an old phone and i'd be like hey eventually they have phones you like carry in your pocket and they're like yes like how do they do it i'm like i mean i don't know how they do it um i think it's a satellite i think a satellite they're like what's the side of like i should have even said that uh it's like metal metal's got to go pretty high in the air i don't know if you guys are doing i don't even know if i could prove i'm from the future i don't even think i could i think i would just get stuck because they would want something like who's the next president oh boy abraham lincoln you guys are going to love him he's really good they just think i'm from the past that's what they were like they would just look they don't have to get a regular job i'll just have to like wait tables or something in the 20s i would go back in time and do worse than i'm doing right now i don't know how many y'all believe in uh evolution or not i don't know if that's y'all's thing uh i do not i'm from the south and uh i'm going to heaven so i don't have time to believe in that voodoo evolution don't push your stuff on me they say we have a 98 percent of the same dna as a monkey 98 percent that is a lot you're telling like two percent like that's how close i am to eating my own crap like a monkey is two percent if that is true though let me tell you that is my favorite two percent in my entire body i didn't even know i but i'm a big fan of that two percent if ever had dna surgery i'd like please don't touch my non-monkey dna i i really can't afford to go back i wanted to play college basketball and that that didn't work out it didn't work out because i got cut every year for my high school basketball team so i had to play for my church because yeah the church cannot cut you they have to let you play which is nice that's a good you know they would i guess they could cut you out you'd be pretty bad like look we think you're good but jesus does not think you're that good yeah he is our captain so and church ball was a lot different too because we played it was a half court no three-point line we played on carpet that's your first sign it's not going to count and they didn't give us a basketball we didn't have a ball like we would just stand out there and play on honesty so you'd be like i just made it was like oh that's a good shot you're really good i stole it i forgive you for stealing it it was moral points it counts later no one likes walmart but they're always open that's why they're great there was a fire at a walmart and they did not shut down they remained open deer in the fire like some people didn't even know there was a fire other people thought they were just selling fire like that's that's not that crazy of a thing i'm a walmart guy i think i'm in the middle you know i'm not kmart i'm not target you know i don't i'm not old money i don't think i'm better than everybody i'm just right in the middle ever go to kmart like kmart doesn't look open when you go in there you just walk in you're like you guys about to close are you getting looted or something like no we're open are you are you going to cut the lights on on that side of the store maybe get some stuff you know kmart looks like where you go buy stuff if you're about to open a new kmart if you if you needed shelves for your kmart you'd go in there and be like this is this is good i think we're going to do it right here i've been married four years now and uh it is it's getting pretty serious to tell you the truth a lot a lot more serious than i thought i always have like i got other buddies that are getting married now so they always like want to come talk to me so i always tell them they're like what's it like here's what it is i'm just told everybody marriage is like you ever go to a concert and you see a mosh pit and you're like you know what i'm gonna go get in that mosh pit but then once you get in it you're like i do not want to be in the smosh pit at all i am gonna leave and go get some beer then the mosh pit's like didn't you drink last night all right mosh pit once you get off my back and let me live my life why [Applause] my wife's good that she's put up she's put up through a ton with me like i remember three months into our our marriage one night i came home and i was like really drunk i was hammered and i know she loves that so i spoil her a little bit i'm like a pretty decent guy so we go to bed and uh all right i'll be honest with you i peed the bed yeah shouldn't have that's pretty good though i kind of like blamed it on her like i i remember i just woke up and i go hey uh what's wet all right did you pour a perfect circle of water underneath me a flawless circle she she was like no you peed the bed what is wrong with you did i marry you or did i have you i have no idea at this point my job is like you know like you got to protect i guess the house i guess i don't know if someone comes in we have i don't have a gun to protect us i have a i have a pocket knife that's what i have next to the bed like that could do nothing i could hope to aggravate him at best you know i got to cut him he just ripped my shirt and he would kill both of us that's best case scenario for the party i don't know how to use this knife in the middle of the day much less i'm gonna wake up out of a dead sleep and have some kind of knife skill i've never had before so what we do is we sleep strategically in our bed to like prepare for an attack you know like i'm here like she's here she's like closest to the door but it's you know she doesn't even know there's a strategy so it just so the plan is is like the guy's going to come in right and she's going to lunge at him she'll lunge she'll probably be like oh i feel like i got pushed and i'll be well you don't know what lunging means she'll lunge she'll put up a good fight all right at least a good enough fight that i can be practicing with my knife on my side just a little you know ready for him you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,207,018

Keywords: Nate Bargatze, Nate Bargatze comedian, Nate Bargatze stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, best of, best of Nate Bargatze, college, community college, remedial, dumb, proof, time travel, monkey, dna, k mart, marriage, married, mosh pit, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: 37H2OkU2XVE

Length: 11min 31sec (691 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 06 2022