In this video you're going to learn
how to let go of self-limiting beliefs, how to stop getting stuck hating yourself and
find a healthy sense of self. Have you ever seen a cattle guard? Where I live, out in the west,
there are open-range cattle. That means that they are fenced into huge areas, and the road crosses
through their range .So when a road crosses a fence line, there are a couple of options to
let the cars through but keep the cattle in. The first option is a gate. This keeps the fence
continuous, but the driver has to stop their car, get out, open the gate, get back into their car,
drive through the gate, stop their car, get out of the car, close the gate, and get back to driving.
Now this is kind of a pain for drivers, but it can be a bigger pain for ranchers because some
drivers get lazy - they don't close the gate and the cattle get out, they get lost, they get hit by
cars, etc. So option number two is a cattle guard. These are deep concrete pits built into the fence
line, and they're crossed by these heavy steel beams that are about four inches wide and four
inches apart. A car can easily drive over these at low speed, so there's no need to open or close a
gate. And for cattle, they can't walk across them; they'd break their legs. So they just avoid them
and stay in their area. But the problem with cattle guards is they're expensive. So sometimes
out on these desert roads and ranches, they'll simply paint a cattle guard on a solid piece
of asphalt. The cows, who don't have incredible vision and they've already been conditioned by
real cattle guards, are scared of it, so they won't walk across it. They believe that they can't
walk across it or they'll break their leg and die. These cows have set limits on themselves by
labeling these parallel lines as dangerous, even when they're just painted and they pose
no physical threat. But that limitation is all in their mind. The labels you give yourself,
whether you call yourself broken, stupid, bad, or even if you give yourself positive labels
these - are just like painted-on cattle guards: they are self-imposed limits. And today I'm
going to teach you one way to let go of them. One of the most crucial skills
that one can develop is the ability to separate themselves from their actions,
thoughts, and emotions. One of the most common traits of people who have mental illness
is that they see themselves falsely. So they often believe thoughts like "I am such a
failure" or "I'm a bad person" or I'm so weak." Or occasionally people think everyone else is
an idiot: "I'm the only one who knows how to do things right." So for some reason, thinking
like this comes naturally. Parents slip into it by saying, you know, "Have you been a bad boy?"
instead of saying "Did you do something bad?" Some people try to counteract this way of thinking
with all-out acceptance of every behavior, trying to convince people that no matter what they
do they're fine; they shouldn't feel guilty. Now I haven't ever actually seen that work. The sense
of guilt remains and the unhealthy behaviors still lead to negative results. There's this weird idea
out there that to be happy we need to find out who we are or be true to yourself. I think it's been
the theme of like every Disney movie for the last 10 years. And a lot of people get confused by this
this feeling or the sense of of predestination that deep inside of them they're gonna find out
that they're either a bad person or a good person, that when they find out what's inside of them then
they'll have to be that person. And this idea is often connected with thoughts like "I'm just an
angry person" or "I'm just rebellious; that's who I am." Now when we think of ourselves this way,
we tend to limit our free will and our ability to create the life we find worthwhile. The reality
is that we have many deep and conflicting natures. We have drives toward love and service and drives
towards selfishness, drives toward peacemaking and drives toward anger. We have seeds of all types of
inclinations inside of us. The question is which ones will we water? I can choose to invest in
the angry, self-protective instincts that I have, or I can choose to invest in the loving
and peacemaking instincts that I have. ACT is all about creating flexibility. One of the
ways we do this is through exercises that help you let go of rigid labels and self-limiting
beliefs and instead create a sense of choice about who you are. In Acceptance and Commitment
therapy, there are three senses of self: the conceptualized self, the self as experiencer,
and the self as observer. The conceptualized self is the one you're probably most familiar
with. This is where all your labels come from: I'm cute, I'm ugly, I'm smart, I'm female, I'm
depressed, I'm anxious, I'm kind, etc., etc. Now it's really normal to categorize yourself,
but this labeling is also the most likely way to trap yourself. These labels provide you with
the reasons for why you do the things you do, which can be comforting but also suffocating.
And the labels we give ourselves lead to more of the same. So have you ever noticed how
if someone believes themselves to be the victim, they somehow keep ending up in their mind or
in reality in more situations where they're victimized? Or if someone believes that they are
capable and successful, they seem to keep having one success after another? They minimize their
failures, and they just look for the next success. So if we aren't aware of these labels, they
can be quite self-limiting. So for example, when many people over-identify with a diagnosis
like depression or anxiety, they create a story for themselves that this is who they are and
that there's little they can do about it, leading to more of the same. It's that
when we cling too tightly to our stories, they limit our ability to see other aspects of
the truth too. So for example, with depression or anxiety there is a biological aspect to
them, but that's not the only side of them. Most of us have immense potential for growth,
learning, and for change. Neuroplasticity gives us room to change our brain. No one knows what our
full potential is. But when we cling too closely to any label, that can limit us. So I tend to
be very cautious about what stories about myself I believe. So I try to stick to the self as
experiencer as often as I can. So this is like saying "I am experiencing anxiety, but that's not
who I am" or "I am experiencing sadness" or "I'm struggling right now with depression" and "What
else can I learn? What else am I experiencing?" Right. Self as experiencer says "I'm the person
who's having these experiences, but I don't have to decide that they're my identity. My experience
is separate from my identity. I'm the place where these thoughts and feelings are happening, but
I am not my thoughts or feelings; I'm just the one experiencing them." So when it comes to the
labels and the stories we tell about ourselves, we need to explore them to see which ones are
helpful and which ones are self-limiting beliefs. Let me give you an example: for some people,
giving themselves the label "I am depressed," it may be helpful for a while, helping them
not beat themselves up for feeling the way they do or helping them be more compassionate
towards themselves or towards others and letting go of judgment. But as they keep working and
learning and growing, they may come to a time when the next step for growth requires them to
let go of that label and choose a different one, like "I experience sadness or I struggle
with energy, but this is not who I am." And this new concept of self frees them to learn new
skills. Self as observer is one step further back: it's noticing yourself as the one who's having
experiences. So here's an activity straight out of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. The
screen is going to go dark, and I'm going to give you some instructions for a short mindfulness
exercise. Go ahead and set your phone down or set your computer or screen to the side. Now, I
want you to look at the wall for about 10 seconds. Just look at the wall. Notice that you are not
the wall; you are the one looking at the wall. If you have thoughts pop up, like "What's the
point?" or "This is stupid," just thank your mind for those thoughts and bring your attention back
to the wall. Notice that you're looking at it. Now do this with another object. Look at some other
object in the room, and look at it for 10 seconds. Now, can you notice that you're the one who's
looking? There's a part of you observing yourself look at the object. If you didn't get a sense for
it yet, pause this video and try this exercise with five to ten objects. Just look at an object
and then notice that you're the one looking at it. This ability to notice what you're experiencing,
this is called self as observer. Self as experience and self as observer allow us to step
back from our labels and our self-limiting stories and choose what we value the most and how to act
on it. So basically you ask yourself "Is this label helpful to me?" Now, there are some areas
that I do choose to call my identity, but I'm very selective, and I step back into self as observer
to try and get the big picture to see my options before I decide on any labels that I give myself.
So the two that I generally stick with are: I am a daughter of God, and I can learn and grow. These
two give me a lot of space to grow and a solid foundation to determine my actions. Now, there
are some really common ways of labeling yourself that are like those painted-on cattle guards. They
feel like reality, but they aren't. They're just words or self-limiting beliefs that you have.
One of the most common self-limiting beliefs that I see among my clients is "I'm just a bad
person." This belief can be completely disabling. It's a thought. Is it a helpful one? Does it help
you be better? If I think I'm a bad mom, does that help me be a better one? Usually not. If you tell
yourself that you're a bad person because of the things that you've done, that means that you're
inherently good because you want to be good. Start listening to that voice and acting on it. Find a
different set of words that are more helpful. Like "I made a bad choice as a mom" or "I need to learn
more skills to be a better mom. Lots of parents struggle with parenting. Keep trying to improve
and be kind to yourself, Emma." Here's another label that's not helpful: "I am a broken person."
It sounds like "I'm defective, I'm broken, I'm a failure at relationships" or "I'm broken
because of the trauma I experienced." Believing this label can lead to depression. It excuses not
trying and giving up. You may think these things, but the self as experiencer will just notice that
these are thoughts you're experiencing - it's just a bunch of words passing through your head. You
can ask yourself "Is it helpful to think this way?" or "Do I want to act on these words?" or
"Do I want to act on a different set of words? What words will be most helpful to me?" So what
I believe the more truthful and helpful antidote is to replace the self-label with a behavior
label. So instead of saying "I'm such an idiot" say "I messed that up." Try to be as specific
as possible and avoid all-or-nothing thinking, exaggerations, filtering, or other
distortions. Here's another thing: even so-called positive labels can be quite harmful.
How we define ourselves creates our power to act. Most of the labels that we give ourselves take
away either our power to act or our power to grow. So even a positive self-concept like "I'm
smart" can be limiting if we rely on that for our self-confidence. So for example, in order to
preserve that way of thinking, we might avoid situations where we don't feel competent - the
same situation that helps us grow in knowledge. So for example, one time I was at this cool
survival/primitive skills retreat, and someone was teaching the skill of flint knapping, and I
actually really wanted to learn this. But because I knew nothing about it and I considered myself a
smart person, I felt too weird and uncomfortable going in there and being like "Hey, I don't
know anything about this. Can you show me?" And instead I just avoided that whole situation. So
that label of like "Oh, I'm a smart person" got in my way. Another label uh that sounds positive but
really can be harmful is "I'm better than," right? This leads to comparison - putting others down
or competing with them to feel a sense of worth. And this leads to contention and isolation instead
of love and connection. Thinking that you're better than other people might sound like everyone
else is the problem. My spouse is the problem. My child is the problem. Or you might think something
like "I'm the hard worker. I'm the right one. I'm the good employee." And thinking this way
can really set you up to have a lot of problems. So while these sound like positive self-labels,
they're still self-limiting beliefs. Saying "I'm a kind person" can lead to not setting boundaries.
If you think "I always have to be nice and make everyone feel good all the time," then you
might not say no when you really need to, and instead say, you know, "I value assertiveness
and kindness" or whatever it is, right? Just the whole idea behind this is do your beliefs
limit you or do they give you flexibility to make choice? So instead of searching to find out
who you are, focus on ways of seeing yourself that allow us to be agents who can act. And we can
do this by separating ourselves from our actions and focusing our actions on our valued direction
instead of on traits. So it's better to say "I choose to be kind" instead of saying "I'm a
kind person," which can lead to rigidity and not setting boundaries or even using that statement
as a way to justify bad behavior, right? So like if you're rude or mean to someone but then you
tell yourself "Well, but I am a nice person," that's a way to justify bad behavior. So I want
to ask you to think about what kind of labels have you given yourself? Are they self-limiting? Which
of them get in the way of emotional health or behavioral change or relationships? How do we do
it? How do we let go of our labels? Start off by noticing how you label yourself. Write them down,
and then try to step back from them. Practice watching your thoughts with the leaves on a stream
activity or other cognitive diffusion activities, and then just explore these labels. Check them
for rigidity, falsehoods, or exaggeration, and then ask yourself which one of these
are helpful? And which ones of these beliefs get in the way of growth or change? Also, make
sure and highlight the labels that just serve as excuses for you. For example, "Oh, I'm just bad at
math," right? And consider replacing some of these labels with a growth mindset - like "I haven't
figured this out yet." It may be helpful to get the perspective of a safe friend or therapist
so that you can see your labels more clearly. And for me personally, prayer can be helpful
when I'm trying to understand my sense of self. When we get in contact with a higher power and
ask the question, you know, "How do you see me?" or "Who am I in the big picture from a spiritual
perspective?" we can often get a more truthful view of ourselves and also let go of false sources
of self-worth. These are going to always let you down. These are things like perfectionism,
appearance, approval, and comparison. I'm going to encourage you to spend less time
obsessing about your identity and your ego and more energy focusing on your values. When you
confront a trait that you don't like in yourself, ask yourself "What value does this represent?"
and focus your energy on living that value instead of beating yourself up. So for example, if
you get so busy and wrapped up and thinking about yourself as a hard worker, you're not focusing on
the work. If you're spending your time bemoaning that you're a mean person, you won't have time to
be kind to others. So focus on your work. Focus on being kind. And don't get stuck putting a ton
of energy into choosing whether you're a good person or a bad person, right? Trying to shift
how you feel about yourself. Now, this is a complicated topic - if if not cognitively, it can
be really difficult in practice to let go of our self-labels. The words we use can really impact
how we build our sense of identity, but when you learn to notice those labels, when you create a
little space between yourself and your thoughts, you can free yourself to choose which of these
ways of seeing yourself is helpful - and that can free you to live a life that you value. It's all
about the direction you're going in. It's about the process of living a good life instead of the
labels you give yourself along the way. By lining our actions up with our values, we can create a
fulfilling life, we can feel good about ourselves and have a life full of purpose, meaning, and joy.
This video is one skill from my 30-skill course: How to Process Your Emotions, where I teach
30 of the most essential skills for resolving depression, anxiety, and improving mental
health. Emotion processing is an essential skill for working through intense emotions, but
most people have never been taught how to do it. I'm putting every single main video lesson
on YouTube for the world to access for free. You watching these videos, sharing them,
contributing to my Patreon and my sponsors make this possible. If you would like to
access the entire course in one place ad free with its workbook, exercises, downloads, extra
videos, live Q&A's, additional short readings and links to extended resources, the link to
buy the course is in the description below.
