GET READY WITH ME + OPENING UP (VULNERABLE)

hey guys I hate the way I say hey guys I always say the exact same in my intro hey guys No mmm what's up long time no see okay so clearly you I am NOT gonna give you a good intro so let's just get into the video I typically jump on camera at the end of my makeup process and have a full face and tell you guys what's happening not today that's just not my vibe I just honestly you guys have been in such a place and um you know like when you go through so much like just hard just hardships in life just real life you go through so much like boom boom boom boom boom like when it rains it pours sometimes you get to this place where you're almost like slap-happy about it you're like oh come on like more bad can actually happen right and like you almost start to like use comedy as a relief that's where I'm at right now so um I wanted to get on camera do my makeup and talk about just everything's been going on in my life because let's get real I have not connected with you guys and so long like as an actual like friendship connection so I want to talk about where I've been at mentally physically emotionally I want to address so many things I've been seeing online just everything I want to talk about the year of 2019 and why I was just like disappeared and guys let's talk about everything today and get back on track I feel like I'm in a place where I'm finally ready and I will tell you guys why I'm gonna be doing my makeup while I talk to you guys so if I am NOT like telling you every single product that I'm using I apologize but I do have a lot of things I want to discuss sorry I'm like already getting nervous because I definitely heavy things in this video that isn't gonna be really easy but it's been a long time coming and it's time to finally open up and have a discussion so make up shall we okay so the first like frantically rubbing the primer my fingers like talk about okay I need to calm down because you guys are gonna feel my energy and I know so many people watch my videos while they fall asleep I don't know why but people tweet me that all the time and you're gonna feel my energy I'm gonna make you so I'd away so let me the last video that you guys saw was pre filmed which it was not intended to be pre filmed but I filmed it at the very end of December and my intentions were to get it up for you just like three days later but I ended up getting so sick that I cut in it and will end up getting to that subject in a minute but in the meantime I just want to talk to you guys about everything because I have not literally sat down and filmed in this room in over four months and even crazier I have not worn makeup since New Year's Eve and it is January 31st I have not worn makeup in 31 days that's the first time I've been able to say that I've got a whole month without makeup probably since I was like 14 maybe or even younger like I always wear makeup so it feels so weird to me to even be doing this right now and I don't know how well I'm gonna do I'm probably like a really basic look especially since I'm talking to you guys because I think I forgot how to do it like already this doesn't look normal this is not how I normally do it but we're just okay just love me I'll get back to her I promise so I know a lot of you guys are so sick of me talking about how I was in LA in my last video there were so many comments and people laughing be like take a shot every time that she says la every time she talks about living in LA but you know I live in LA for three months that was my life so I'm gonna talk about it you know but as you guys know most of you know who those don't I'm gonna make it quick my air conditioning leaked whatever I had to move out of my house for three months I decided to go to LA because I had so much business stuff going on that I needed to take care of me Jordan and my three dogs we moved out there for three months and I was so excited to go out there I couldn't wait and like this is gonna be like the best three months a fresh start I'm gonna get to get so much work done go to so many meetings like be so productive because typically all my meetings are done through video conferences and I'm always just like looking everything through a webcam you know with people out in LA like my manufacturers my labs all that jazz I'm always like just on the phone constantly or FaceTime whatever it may be so it felt really good to go out there and actually be able to like face-to-face stuff and I was so excited and ends up it was probably the most depressed I have been and God knows how long and I don't use the word depression lately and I actually upset when people go oh I'm so depressed I'm like no you're on your period and you're craving nachos that's not a depression like depression is a really real thing and it takes people's lives and I don't talk about it lightly and I was genuinely so depressed out there I was so anxious it was so dark it was so hard for me to do anything it was just terrible when I got on the plane to come home I was I I can't even tell you the excitement that I had I cried so hard I cried so hard when I walk into my front door I'm so happy to be here I have such an appreciation for my home I don't want to like this people off because I know that thousands of people who watch my videos are gonna be from LA and from California but I just could not believe how fake people are out there like just the fakeness that I just witness with my own two eyes just put me into such a bad headspace and I'm just like oh my gosh like I didn't want to leave the house I didn't want to do anything I don't want to go anywhere because I'm just like there these people are so two-faced and I'm just not I'm not about that like honestly you guys I know that I like come across very vain and I am like I do my makeup and I'm like I look good let me post selfies let me do all these snapchats and Instagram stories of me just looking fabulous and feeling myself you know absolutely woman power I'm all about it fill yourself up and down but that's not me like when the cameras are off I'm such a family person I'm such an honest person I'm a good friend I'm loyal I know the things about myself that I love and adore like I know my good my bad qualities me my bad qualities we're close but being out there I was just like shook by how everything is business to everybody and I was just like oh my gosh like it was just aggressive so anyways I was in a really bad place for a lot of reasons but I'm home now and it feels incredible to be back and when I got back there were more issues with the house a whole nother wall had to come down because the water was leaking in a different area so the whole stairwell had to come down so we had so much construction and it was craziness and then of course the holidays boom hit me in the face we got home like December 12th and then Christmas was right around the corner New Year's I had a big New Year's party with a bunch of me and Jordans friends which was awesome sorry I have to like learn how to talk and do my makeup at the same time so this video was kind of jumpy I apologize cuz I get so distracted and I just stopped doing my makeup because I'm so into what I'm trying to say you guys so on New Year's Eve my really good friends Mike and PK who a lot of you guys know of them because they're always on like my Instagram and my stories and also they have their own channel and their own instagrams and they're amazing but long story short they came into town for my New Year's Eve party and piqué got sick that day right before getting on the plane and ended up being so sick when he got to my house that he collapsed and like fully passed out it was so scary thank God I had someone here who was a paramedic and they were able to like look at him like look at his gums his eyes are like he is severely dehydrated he needs to get to a hospital right now like he needs an IV bag with fluids like he is not in a good place right so he ended up having an ear infection and influenza and so I kind of just like nursed him for like three days he couldn't fly back home for like three or four days because of how sick he was obviously so I kind of just like nursed him for a couple of days meet him Mike and Jordan and then when he left I got it so he left I was like whoa 2020 [ __ ] like here I come I'm so excited like I can't wait to live my best life you know no I got you guys I know that people call me dramatic because I am naturally I'm such a drama queen see I know my flaws but also I thought it but I swear to you this is the sickest I have been in my entire life I was sick for eight teen days 18 days of literally on the couch talk about triggering to your depression not leaving the house for that long bad I got sick with influenza B if you want to be specific it was everything it was a high fever it was the aches it was a chills it was throwing up it was diarrhea I mean it was literally everything it was so bad it was so awful but on top of it I get a sinus infection so if a sinus infection I have the flu then I get my period and I'm like oh my god blessings this is great timing thanks Ben as those things are starting to wrap up I start throwing up blood I'm like okay great so Jordan one day was mill the afternoon I was just like feeling miserable and I'm like I'm gonna throw up at this point I had thrown up every single day for a while and I run in the bathroom and I puke and it's just straight-up blood and Jordans like okay like he's so calm he's like we're gonna go to a doctor okay so he takes me in the hospital I got admitted to the hospital I was in the hospital two times this month and turns out that I have a really bad infection not anymore because I took my antibiotics but I had a really bad infection that was spreading and I did not know about it the doctors like this infection has been there for a while I was throwing up blood I was peeing blood it was so awful and on top of it the craziest thing about it you guys is I got this like side effect of like delirium it's called and I was so confused that there were moments where I didn't even know my dog's names like I didn't know anything and they said it's because my infection was so bad it was so freakin scary so the reason I'm telling you guys all of this in such detail is because well I just like catch you up on my life and what's been going on but also I somewhat you guys know where I've been because typically even if I'm not filming a YouTube video I'm still on Instagram stories like I'm still on Twitter I'm still doing something because I like to interact with you guys like I literally just disappear like I dropped off the planet for like two weeks straight because when you're that sick you don't care about anything and I'm telling you this month has given me such an appreciation for my health because I feel like I'll find myself being so stressed or like upset about like little things in my life and they seem like such a big deal but then when you're so miserably sick you're like why am i stressing about little things like I have my health like health is just so important and now that I'm feeling better I'm just so grateful like so grateful to finally become like myself again I know that so many of you feel the same way as me in this sense January literally was the longest month to ever exist I feel like there was like 90 days in the month of January I kept looking my calendar I'm like we're still here like it's shocking and I tweeted about it today and this is actually something that I really want to talk about on a serious note sorry you guys I am NOT talking about anything that I'm putting on my face but I have done the hourglass vanish stick foundation along with the Born This Way my Too Faced I use the morphe concealer on my under eye on my face I set my under eyes and now I'm gonna go in and set my face with a combination of shot at Tilbury and my mood light sorry some of you guys might be here for the makeup and I'm just like so I tweeted just a couple of hours ago saying January has been the worst year ever and obviously it's a joke because January is a month not a year but I tweeted say it's been the worst year ever it's like it feels like it has been so stinking long and you guys I cannot believe how many people tweeted me correcting me calling me dumb calling me names saying I'm uneducated junebug about a year I just think you're laughing you sweets I'm like you guys it's a joke and that's something that I want to talk about like I know little old me I'm not gonna be able like make an actual change on social media like it's a very very very very big pond out there but I cannot believe at this point in this day and age how you cannot say anything without people coming at you and attacking you and I just have to say right now I see the tweets in the comments all the time for people being like you even like YouTube anymore you didn't film anymore just admit it you don't wanna be a youtuber just admit it you're only here because you want to make money like I see those tweets and if we're being totally transparent and honest with one another yeah filming gives me major anxiety now because I know that every single thing I do people are literally gonna go in with a fine-tooth comb and a microscope and pick apart everything and that should not just me that's everybody but I feel like I get it pretty pretty bad I can't tell you how many times I sit down to film and press record and just cry turn the camera off and leave the room and I'm like I'll do this tomorrow I'll do this later because I just get triggered by it because I've gone through so many things and I have made so many mistakes and that's another thing as I feel like I can't ever talk about things openly because people are gonna make you're playing the victim you're being a victim Jacqueline victim he'll like this is a prime example that I want to give to you guys about what I'm saying like I can't say anything and I feel like afraid to talk and I feel afraid to go on camera and like say anything or speak my mind because when Demi Lovato performed at the Grammys it just week I got several tweets and a handful of dams from people saying that they thought that we looked alike during her performance and I responded to someone on Twitter who said that and I said I'll take that as a compliment and I put heart emojis right for 24 hours girls were coming at me saying things like well why wouldn't you take it as a compliment what do you mean I'm just saying I take it as a compliment like I didn't respond to one girl cuz like huh and girls were saying how oh well yeah she wouldn't take cheap she's saying that because Demi Lovato has gained weight and Jacqueline always talks about how fat shaming is so wrong but then when it comes to her she's got an attitude and I'm like what like what is going on like literally I said I will take that as a compliment Demi Lovato is freaking gorgeous like I'd even think about her weight it's like at the point where I feel like I could look at a girl and say oh my gosh you look so beautiful and someone would be like well why wouldn't she look beautiful are you note effeminate are you shaming her I'm like like that it's literally that aggressive it's that aggressive it's never like that in person though ever I've never had an experience with anybody in my life that's been that sensitive in person but online it is and it makes it very difficult but yeah I get so irritated by it I'm like seriously like take a chill pill and then I have to respond and I'm just like oh I need to get better at that I really do but it's hard because like my group of friends and my family members we are the least sensitive people you'll ever meet not when it comes to like emotions you know like if something sad happens I have a very sensitive group around me we're all cancers so we'll cry at the drop of a dime but when it comes to like poking fun at each other and just like talking like in a playful way like there's no sensitivity allowed and like my group of people like we're just light-hearted and easy we know that everyone has a good heart and good intentions and maybe that's what it is many people just don't think that you know I have a good heart or other influences I have a good heart I don't know but it's just kidding it it's aggressive all I have to say is those of you out there who have good thoughts who see a picture or watch a YouTube video and you think something positive comment comment on anyone's video or picture or tweet that you like any positivity that you can bring to the world is so necessary because this is not about me or my community I mean it is but it's about everything every community every industry it's like just if you have anything nice to say say it because the people who have nasty things to say they are proud to give their opinion so we should be too when I'm scrolling even if it's someone who I know is never gonna see my comment in a million years you know someone who has 20 40 50 100 million followers if I see something that I like I comment on it because it's like I just want to add to that positivity you know I want them to have one extra comment of kindness because I know that everybody gets hate so it's like why not add some happiness in there so I just encourage you guys as my followers as my hill stirs my jack pack just to do that like in 2020 when you have a nice thought comment it and say it if you're saying a Starbucks and you like someone's shirt or they have beautiful cheekbones or whatever it is say it I compliment people all the time in public sometimes I feel like it makes them uncomfortable but I don't care and it makes me feel good it lightens up their day so I spent encourage my followers to start doing that in 2020 because I think that it could be very impactful if you just compliment someone like a random stranger in public tweet me and tell me and I will favorite your tweet I will heart your tweet I will support you in that because I think that's freaking awesome so many people are so nasty let's be kind I'm into it I feel like this video is literally all over the place and people are either gonna love it or hate it but I need to start somewhere I've been gone for so long like just absent-minded and actually gone from social media I'm just sick and depressed that I just needed to do just why doesn't my nose contour look like that on camera absolutely not but yeah I just needed to like do like a startup video where I can just feel like myself again because I feel like after everything that's gone on and when I say everything is going on I'm talking about so much stuff that you guys have absolutely no idea about but just behind the scenes stuff in my personal life that I would love to talk to you guys about but it's like T like if I told you some things I've been going on you'd be like oh and there'd be drama videos everywhere and I'm just not about that but there's just been so much going on and I just need to like sit down and do my makeup for the first time in a month and just restart and talk to you and one-on-one and just get back and things on another note I tried a new tanner sunless tanner it's on my body right now by bondi sands and it is ba ma like oh I'm gonna keep using it and let you guys know if it continues to be BOM and like how it fades and all that if it dries you out coz I am picky about my self tanners I'm gonna go in and bake with the Beauty bakery it transits a powder trying to like kind of keep you guys up to date and when I'm actually doing with my makeup I want to talk to you guys about something that is gonna be extremely hard for me to talk about and last night I actually tried it film this video and I put it off and put it off and put it off all day just getting all lightheaded I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can talk about this oh god I love in my throat and I've been contemplating when to tell you guys this how to tell you guys this how to talk about it and I decided that I wanted to address it in a light-hearted way you know sitting here doing my makeup and not make it like too serious and too deep because then it'll be really hard for me but I want to talk about last year and I want to talk about my weight I know that my weight has been a topic of discussion for a few months now and I have put on quite a few pounds since my lipsticks launched if we're gonna be totally honest that's when it started I have put on God close to 30 pounds this year and like the past eight months and there is a reason for it and I want to talk about it because I can't post a picture or a video or an Instagram story without people talking about how fat I am and especially my face like I just get so much hate for my face like your face is so fat what's wrong with you and so many people accuse me of getting fillers and Botox you know calm down to fillers and Botox and I've never addressed this in a serious way I've made little tweets and cause before like it's not fillers it's like calm down but I've never actually talked about what's really going on first of all you guys if you are not educated in fillers and Botox Botox only lasts for a couple of months months and fillers which are you can get different kinds of fillers but Juvederm voluma they last maybe up to a year it depends how active you are if how fast metabolism is if you work out a lot but it lasts like a year maybe a year in a few months and they completely dissolve so if you get fillers you have to keep doing it that's why you'll see like my lips will fluctuate in size because you got to go get them done again because they go down at this current time I have fillers in my nose and I have fillers in my lips I have not gotten my lips done it since December of 2019 though but I can still tell but it has not fully worn off yet and the longer you do filler for like the longer at last if that makes sense nobody in their right mind nobody she's gonna get filler here and here and here those are not ideal places to get filler to whiten and puff that's just not how it works I have not had filler anywhere in my face anywhere in over two and a half years yeah but honestly I don't owe that to anybody but myself and if I want to fill my face every single week for the rest of my life that's my prerogative but I want to talk to you guys about what's actually going on because okay I'm gonna stop doing it for a second and just say what I want to say so I can get it out and then do my brows and then come back with a clear mind because I feel like I swear traffic camera run away right now um as you guys know last year when I launched my brand it was a total flop in a total failure and I had a moment where it broke my heart and I cried about it later I went to Colleen's birthday party Colleen Miranda sings went to her birthday party had such a fun time and then at the end of the night we all sat around in her family room and play this game hot seat and everyone has to sit in a chair in the front of the room and then the group can ask them three questions whatever questions it is it doesn't matter you can ask them how much money did you make last year you can ask them are you a virgin did you brush your teeth today doesn't matter three questions and Colleen asked me the first question she says did you really not know that your lipsticks had fuzzies on them and that to me was such a moment I was like oh my god like even my fellow peers like people I look up to like really genuinely are questioning my integrity right now and I like kept it together and I explained how absolutely not why would I ever put out a product like that and destroy my name and I know that people think oh she did it for money they're old and expired to do it for money you guys I'm just gonna be honest with you like on a business end of things I not make a penny not one cent on that watch I lost a ton of money I did not make one dime on that launch I felt like an idiot I handled the whole thing so poorly and then I was disappointed myself in the way I handled it because I was in a state of panic and shock and I was trying like boss up and like fix to figure it out but I was in such a state of panic that I was it was just such a messy year you guys and at the end of the day to cope with my anxiety and my depression I turned to alcohol and started drinking to fix what I was feeling mentally but I've never been a heavy drinker I've always just like drink with my friends for fun socially you know that's it and I honestly don't even like being drunk that's not what it's about but this year I discovered oh when you have a couple of drinks your brain just kind of relaxes and my brain just goes crazy my anxiety gets so bad you guys that I uncle told me throw up last year I would say there was a couple months period where I was priced wearing out five days a week just uncontrollably I would wake up in the morning and I would just be so anxious and so miserable that I would run to the bathroom sometimes I would even make it to the toilet or the sink because of my anxiety I would just I would cry so hard and get myself so worked up that I would cute and it was awful it was just dark and I turned to alcohol and so when I would start to get anxiety I just immediately I'm like all right uh I need a shot I need a drink I need a cocktail like I need something like I just numb it like instead of using xanax or valium or an ativan or whatever prescription drug I have been using alcohol to self-medicate and that is why my face has been so swole and that's why you saw it throughout the year get bigger and bigger and bigger that's why it is where it is now on days where I would be so full of anxiety and I would drink more than other days I would wake up in the morning and my face would be so swollen I think he's still puffy and I would just cry because I'm like oh my god like I'm finally dating weight and family anyway in my body I'm fine with it I don't care but what the weight represents is what makes me so upset so when people tell me you're fat your face is swollen you need to stop getting fillers it's like it it triggers me in a way cuz I'm like oh my god like I wouldn't look like this if I didn't make such poor decisions I wouldn't look like this if I didn't hurt myself by self-medicating with yeah I I went to a doctor and talked to him about what's been going on and he was explaining to me you know how alcohol affects the body and my body does not deal well with it and that is all of this so at this current point in my life I have just started going to therapy again I'm actually going to therapy two to three days a week I know it's a lot but it's not just talk therapy I'm doing different different types of therapy because this month going into the hospital and being so sick was my wake-up call where I was like I don't ever wanna feel like this again I need to get healthier I need to get to a better place I need to eat better I need to change my life I need to change my world I have found this amazing doctor oh my gosh she's incredible and between her and my therapist they're working together and we're gonna get me on the right track and back into the right place you know and work on my anxiety and my depression on a deep level without medication I am NOT against medication for those things I just personally don't want to do it I don't to put in my body no prescription drugs no alcohol I just want to learn how to ground myself in a natural way so that's my journey right now I'm doing better but I'm not out of it I'm struggling right now I'm having a really hard time because it is real every day I open up my eyes and I'm like I step in bed oh my god it's gonna be a good day please let it be a good day because there's some days where I won't even get out of bed all day long I won't put on a bra I won't get dressed like I just won't get out of bed and I'm so over it I'm so sick of it I'm so done with it I'm over these demons but over last year I'm moving on and so I have been contemplating talking to you guys about this for so long but I just haven't been ready but after this month I was just like alright I'm a place where I can finally come forward and talk about what's been going on why I look this way why I've been so absent and you know when I do drink I don't want to be on social media you know it's like I don't want it so half let me sip out of my mouth it's stupid or like post something that like why did I post that like you know like I don't want to do that so I have been so absent because of that but that's gonna change so give me a little time just to fix myself I have a full-on mapped out plan with my therapist and my doctor and how things are gonna change and my family is really excited and yeah I see 2020 being the here ever and incredible thing for me to look back on right now I tell you guys that so for those of you who are struggling with anything if you are on antidepressants and want to get off of them you know I have had three people in my life who struggle with that you know if you rely on prescription drugs you know xanax for your anxiety or whatever it may be or if you're drinking to fill something or suppress something just know that literally you are not alone millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people go through the exact same thing and it does not make you an addict it does not make you a it doesn't make you a failure it just makes you human it makes you real you fell into a hole and you can crawl out of it because I'm gonna crawl it I'm gonna show you I'm gonna call of it and yeah it's gonna be great okay so I'm gonna do my brows okay I am back composed and my brows on so I'm gonna go in and do just a oh my god do just a little shadow maybe he'll do a wing or a smoked out liner I'm not in the mood to do something like crazy today like no smoky eye or anything like that may be able to kind of a bold lip but I'm not sure today was definitely more about talking to you guys more than anything else we pounce around so another thing I want to talk about I am just full of subjects today this is a conversation that I do not want to have and it has been extremely stressful but I just want to be totally open with you guys and be honest because I see on social media a lot especially the past year a lot people saying oh you only come to YouTube when you want to sell something you know you're only present on social media when you want to sell something all you care about is the money like you just want to sell something right I mean those of you who know me know that's not true especially after everything that I've got done telling you you know why and so absent as of recently it not here to sell something but I love to create product and I sell product and especially now that I have my own cosmetic brand I'm gonna be putting out product obviously you know and I'm not gonna do YouTube forever I don't know when my career is gonna end but especially after this video I am definitely feeling much more excited in like heart to lighthearted it to film because it has been really rough the past several months because I just feel ashamed of myself in so many different ways but I completely understand why so many of you guys do I completely understand why you feel like I only come on camera because I want to sell something because I come out with products and I'm so excited about them and I just want to apologize if I ever come across in that way because that breaks my heart because at the end of the day I have dreamt of creating product since I ever dreamt of creating a YouTube channel product is my number one passion makeup is my number one passion and I started YouTube because of that very thing and YouTube has made me able to create products and it's because of YouTube that I am where I'm at and I am so eternally grateful and I am so sorry if I ever seem like I am not grateful or if I take this career that I have and you guys for granted because that could not be further from the truth I am so appreciative of you guys I love you and appreciates your support more than anything like I say all the time when you guys come up to me in public I get so excited so much I get to meet someone who actually likes my pictures and comments my videos like I know you guys see like you know me so well but I don't know you so well so when I get to meet you it's the best feeling ever but I do have a product coming soon very soon and I don't want to say I'm upset about it cuz that's not the right word but I'm extremely disappointed in the timing and disappointed for my lack of presence on social media this month obviously I was unable to be on social media with what was going on in my life and how sick I was but it literally has been ripping me apart ripping me apart the past couple of weeks I'm like oh my god I'm gonna drop a product in February and they're just gonna think oh yeah that's all reason she's back is because you've got something to sell us and it's like long story short I'm coming out with a collaboration a collaboration that I have worked so hard on and I am so excited to launch because you guys are going to your panties it is so incredible like I don't think anyone is even ready for how amazing it this product is that I'm gonna be launching in a couple of weeks but the tiny is such garbage I have been in contact with the company for the past like 10 days back and forth literally demanding it that we push it back a couple of months because I'm like I have not been on social media I'm gonna look like I'm just here to make a sale and I'm only come to YouTube because of that and like people are gonna understand what's been going on like this whole thing like everything I've been talking about to you guys this whole video they cannot do it like the CEO tried so hard I mean so hard and they cannot do it they cannot push my launch we are launching in a couple of weeks and I just hope that you guys really do hear what I'm saying and feel my heart and know I understand where you're coming from when you say these things when I see these tweets I understand I really hope that when you guys see the product that I'm gonna reveal next week I really hope that you guys are so excited and you still support me but yeah so hope I just wanted to come like I started be honest and come clean about that because I see it and I understand why and honestly guys I don't want to be launching a product right now either but I have worked so hard on it and I know it like everyone always makes fun of how long I work on things for cuz I'm like I have work in this very exactly 18 months and four days and 13 hours like literally I have been working on this since the end of 2018 so I'm gonna embrace it I am so excited for it the campaign is so beautiful the product is incredible and I know you guys are gonna love it so please just like please have my back please support me in this I am sorry I've been absent I'm sorry for everything that I just everything I'm just 2019 stuff that I'm sorry to myself honestly okay I just put a little shadow as liner right here on my upper lid and then it's gonna pop a little highlight on my brow bone I'm just a little bit you know very cache on a different note can we talk about Demi Lovato's new song because holy wow like when I saw her perform at the Grammys I was it was like an instant instant love for me like sometimes you have to listen to a song a few times like fall in love with it that actually happens to me a lot but that song I was bawling my eyes out probably one minute into her performance and then I think I knew every single word by that night and I was belting it in the shower like at the top of my lungs I am obsessed I think it is such an incredible song and she's so she's so honest and so real and I love okay lashes are on this one was being a little [ __ ] to be quite honest so kind of is poking it in a corn my eye but who cares no doubt it's gonna put a little shine on my lower lash line just a little bit I want to be soft or what I'm soft look today what I always find so interesting is when I go a long time without wearing makeup I feel like I don't need as much like typically this eye look I would be like oh my god like I need more like I would want to put like thicker liner here I would want to do like my bottom way more blown out like crazy or highlight but like just seeing myself like this I'm like oh my gosh I look great because I have seen myself just bare faced pale just like dark circles for so long that I'm like oh I don't need all that all right let me highlight that inner corner that's a step that I I cannot ever not highlight my inner corner like I feel like if I look at myself in the mirror with makeup on and don't see a highlight in my inner corner I'm like oh I just need it it's one of my favorite steps in my makeup routine okay I have not put mascara on and so long my bottom eyelashes are losing their minds right now so this is totally random from anything that I've been talking about this entire video but like I said earlier when you see something you like you should compliment it call it out make someone feel good about themselves you know well right before I started filming I talked on the phone i facetimed actually with jeffrey star he FaceTime me and we just talked for like 15-20 minutes and I have to say he has just been so real and so encouraging and I have to call it out because if you guys only knew half of the stuff and the things that happen and just the fakery behind the scenes and everything not just YouTube and with you know beauty influencers or anything like that and no I'm not calling anybody out directly I'm just saying in general like it's really hard to find real people who genuinely just like we'll have a conversation and more than anything encourage you and you know I talked on the phone and he was just so kind to me and so encouraging and just like just wants to see me succeed and it just it felt so good to see someone who has so much and is such a powerhouse and CEO and just huge in this community talk to me after everything I've been through and just be kind to me you know like he's just always been kind to me and he's had my back through this you know he's just been so great so I just wanna take a time take a moment to say that I really appreciate him just for being so real and so honest because in the middle of all last year a lot of people don't want to talk to me I'm just still going with my blush and I need to not oh I think what's in it when it socked me because it's like you get scared you could never say like oh god I don't want to get pulled into that I don't wanna lose follower there are little subscribers but Jeffrey is just not about that Jeffrey doesn't give a like he's just have my back and I appreciate it let's spray this [ __ ] I'm gonna do highlight laughs I'm gonna put on a lip first this is Kylie cosmetics liquid lipstick in the shade [Music] put a liquid lipstick on in so long I feel like I'm gonna do such a crappy job but hopefully this five hours late tail holy cow that took longer than I am proud to admit but this is my first time wearing this color and it's so beautiful the viewfinder is making it look really pink so I don't know if it looks really pink on camera but it actually is like a more like kind of berry burgundy ish it's gorgeous though I like I am very surprised by how much I love this I'm ashamed I don't even have my brush isn't here to highlight with I was gonna use mood light today I just want like something subtle and soft just that inner glow so I'm just gonna stick with this I never get sick of these highlights God all right you guys so that is a wrap on this video I know that it wasn't really like about makeup I was just doing my makeup while talking to you guys but I feel like more than anything this is gonna be a video that people who don't know me may not care about but my writer dies my Hill stairs the ones who've been here with me for a long time this video is for you guys catching you up on my life and everything it's been going on I am so terrified right now I feel like if someone is strangling me like oh cuz this is just like very hard to talk about I love you guys so much thank you for watching this video and if you have anything nice to say please say it I love you guys so much thank you for watching and I will see my next one bye guys

Channel: Jaclyn Hill

Views: 3,269,256

Rating: 4.7281528 out of 5

Keywords: jaclynhill1, jaclyn hill, makeup tutorial, smokey eye tutorial, contour face, morning routine, how-to, everyday makeup, cat eye makeup, cat makeup, drugstore makeup

Id: E8vt2HZFd9g

Length: 37min 22sec (2242 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 03 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/HotAssMess]

Don’t make fun of her looks or mental health. Follow rule one, please.

[u/PM_ME_GOAT_VIDS]

I watched most of it at 2x speed. This is what I can recall:

• She was depressed while in LA

  • She is now going to therapy 2-3x/week

• She has not filmed in a while because she had the flu and an infection at the same time

  • At one point she was vomiting and peeing blood

• Her face has changed/weight gain due to her turning to alcohol in the months since her lipsticks launched to numb her anxiety

  • At a party, she played Hot Seat and Colleen Ballinger asked if she really didn't know about the fuzzies on her lipsticks
    • This concerned her that even her close friends were questioning her honesty

• She is launching a new product in the next couple weeks. Reveal will be some time next week

  • She tried to push the launch a couple months because she is aware of how this looks (her pattern of uploading videos only when she has a new product launching soon)
  • Launch is a collab that she reports to have been working on for a very long time

[u/[deleted]]

The product she is releasing is a collab with Morphe.

Ulta leaked it on their website awhile ago.

[u/suburban___beverage]

thanks in advance if someone posts a summary

[u/KungPaoPENGUIN_]

Still watching but it seems to have started with her going through a bout of depression, hating being in LA, more issues with her house in Tampa, and apparently having a legitimately really bad infection to the point of vomiting blood and delirium.

Edit: Jfc, the end. BGCr was right.

TLDR: Legitimate health problems both physical and mental (don’t want to downplay that)... and she’s also revealing a product next week 🤦🏻‍♀️

Edit 2: I really do feel bad for her. I suffer through depression and anxiety... near crippling to where I almost lost my job, and I’m lucky they gave me a last chance to prove myself. Now that I have, I’m offered a work from home position. I lucked out better than most people in my position do.

I really think she needs to either admit that she’s not feeling up to YouTube as a job at times (a la Sam), or stop apologizing and own it. She went through a really tough time and is still going through it. So I feel for her, but I think a dose of “idgaf” is needed for her. I think she’s probably a sweet/genuine person, but my only gripe is that these videos have become repetitive with each launch of whatever she’s promoting to the point where it’s reasonable to believe she’s.... not genuine? I don’t know.

[u/TrashBagSkank]

A little rant I didn’t intend to make: I didn’t like how she talked so negatively about prescription medication for mental health conditions when there’s already a huge stigma around it. People who make it seem like this awful thing make people who need it feel ashamed of it. I went off my meds for a year because so many people have this mentality where I live and online and it was the most miserable time of my life. I really thought I was losing it. Some people benefit from prescription meds and there’s nothing wrong with that. If any other part of your body gets sick, you take medicine, so why is it so bad to do when your brain’s sick? Idk this topic just bothers me a lot.

Edit: y’all I didn’t say meds work for everyone because they don’t. Some people do have bad experiences with them. I wasn’t saying that everyone with mental illness should be medicated, I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with it if you are.

[u/chellekathryn]

She should 100% step away from YouTube for a while at least.

[u/svenskiovich]

She literally said "please have my back" when asking for support for this product. I'm sorry but that's so, so manipulative. Her subscribers are not morally obligated to buy her products just because they might like her as a person or content creator. Imagine a salesperson at Rooms to Go being like "please have my back and buy this couch."

[u/Tattooedladysam]

For some reason seeing her in this video legitimately made me want to cry. Clearly the last year has taken its toll and I know the comments here are going to be negative for the most part and I’ll probably get downvoted but...fuck man has the internet gotten their piece of her yet? She looks like a completely different person...I feel like it won’t stop until she has a full mental breakdown. I’ve said my piece and I know I’m gonna be in the minority here but i feel bad for her. She has all the money in the world but that just goes to show, money can’t fix everything.