Frank Skinner: Stand Up! Live from Birmingham's National Indoor Arena

[Music] oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thanks very much [Applause] [Music] how are you doing i don't know if you remember me i used to run a club in king's e i do what i noticed they've got um walking around the city center now i've noticed now these are all over britain they've got them them pelican crossings right that's what they call that they're me you looked at me with terrible doubt when i said that is that pelican crossings yeah what's your name lee are you always a doubtful sort of a person no okay i'll tell you what lee i'm of an age now where i say stuff and then i think have i made that up that gets really bad when you get older i've talked to a mate on the phone he said i'm going to switzerland for a long weekend right he said you know anything about it i said i've heard i've heard zurich's quite nice right and he went and i thought zurich have i made that all and there was enough doubt in my mind for me to google it and then i told her mate and i said to this mate yeah i said i ended up having to google zurich and he and he went and i thought google that that's right how do you check google anyway lee tears it's pelican crossing isn't it that's right thank you very much for your support the kind i'm on about is the ones where you know you press a button you get a green man but it only gets you halfway across and you have to press and get another green man to do the second half you know the ones i mean why not just have a green man that comes on for twice as long and walk straight across right then you wouldn't need that unit in the middle that'd save a lot of money for that for the council right and this has been plaguing me throughout the tour and then about three weeks ago i did a gig right and i was talking to a bloke in the audience and i said um what do you do for a living he said i work for the roads department i said you are just a bloke i'm looking for i said why do they have them pelican crossings when you press get agreement and you have to press and get a second group and this is what he said right and he didn't say it as a joke he said it with an heir of some authority he said to me i always said that's in case people change their minds so some people apparently right they get to the central reservation then they look at the other side of the road and go actually and now i see it close up luckily i have a get out clause unbelievable kind of suits me now the double green man i'll tell you why i don't like to walk very quickly right and i'll tell you for a while because um now this was only pointed out to me about 18 months ago by a female friend of mine but apparently when i walk over a certain speed i develop what you might call a camp hand now i don't know how long this has been going on i'm going to try and do a demonstration obviously it won't be completely natural because i'm i'm i'm thinking about it now but um when i get my speed up watch out for the hand right okay here it's like false start here we go it's gone it's gone now i know that looks phony but apparently i did that instinctively now obviously i think about it all the time but it's given me a very sort of a cam walk right now i had a thanks i had a mate i had a mate from edge bastion who was probably the campus bloke i've ever met in my life right 10 times camper than me and me and him did a a charity walk together right 13 miles for the terrence higgins trust now just before we started the race just for a laugh i tied his shoelaces together right do you know he never noticed 13 miles there was people on the pavement saying careful mate you said what what's the problem i was walking behind don't tell him it was a strange day out in many ways yeah on that subject actually i did some uh i did some filming like for a television program oh did ya yes and we had to spend the night in a dormitory right that's right isn't it lee what is it with you you've gotta see what it's like don't get me wrong you seem like a very nice fellow but you've got that have you ever spoken to a dog yes you know you know when you talk to a dog and they go like they know something's going on but they haven't quite got it you you've got that slight tilt on your headlight just enough to unnerve me i'm right on it with dormitory i am right good so we we we've done the filming and we spent there were six beds in the dormitory and six of us there was me the cameraman and like um four people from the television company right one of whom was a homosexual now don't get me wrong i didn't have any problem with that at all because i thought you know there's five of us if he starts we can restrain it had never occurred to me before but i had never before heard a gay man right have you lea no that's the first thing i said you didn't look puzzled by it [Applause] it turns out there is such a thing as camp snoring right i had no idea that existed honestly so we were there were six of us in the in the beds and we were lying uh talking and stuff he was in the next bed to me then we put the lights off to get to sleep so i'm lying there for about 15 minutes and then i uh [Music] well i didn't sleep i've got to be honest with you i mean you know full respect to him but i i i just couldn't unclench anyway that's why i don't walk fast i think that's the point i was uh originally when i was a kid i i ran everywhere right um i mean i really do the little kids still do that do they still run everywhere or they do good um i i thought the glue sniffing might have slowed them down a bit now i don't think i walked till i was about 14 i ran everywhere and i don't mean like a gentle jog i ran flat out right i'd say to me mark i'm just going to go up the shop to get a b now all right when i stopped i used to go i still do that actually i do not outdoors but i was in my flat and i was leaving one of the rooms to uh i don't know whatever but i thought oh i've forgotten something i went i went back in i was on my own as well not that it would be massively impressive yeah i brought a woman back you know i thought i'd i'll do the breaking thing they love that can i get you a campari oh dear but that was all my mates we all ran everywhere flatter any conversation with a mate when i was a kid lasted about half a second right you see him in the street saying you're all right and this was like this was the 60s and the 70s when i was a kid which is a good time to be a kid you know there's none of these pedophile stories in the paper and stuff like that when that was around they just couldn't catch us there were days you know with the child obesity there's easy pickings to be at now it's like shooting fish in a battle get a pedophile come out the house and say hi fatter suck this oh all right have you got any nutella some people in the front row look genuinely let down i'm sorry i'm so sorry you looked a bit horrified what's your name gene was it too much too soon you look quite a moral person gene is that is that fair pardon quite a moral person i've got a bloody microphone you think that would do it of course if you turn out to be deaf now i'm gonna i'm gonna feel terrible but i'll sign the rest of the show and i'm sorry i can't return any of your drawings so um what do you what what do you do for a living jean if you don't mind me asking i'm a nurse you're a nurse well that's fantastic in the old days they used to get applause but not anymore now [Applause] there's been too many sort of doctor death type nurses also everyone around here now is thinking mrsa if we put all the lights off do you think you'd glow so what that's a very moral profession can i um can i make you my sort of moral guide for tonight you don't have to do anything just give me you know the occasional thumbs up i don't mean the sort of occasional thoughts of your work obviously you won't need gloves i mean metaphorical is that all right if there's a joke i'm worried about something it's okay thanks that'll be good let me start with this one i've often wondered gene right if when when a new pedophile comes to town right bear with me right does he seek out one of the older more experienced local pedophiles you know and say where's the best places around here to uh to pick up kids you know and and does the old pedophile say well swings and rhinobats really [Applause] it's a good sign i've got to tell you i um it's a bit of a test case that that i did that joke at the montreal festival in canada a few months back and i said uh swings and roundabouts and the audience went i don't mean one or two i mean everybody now it's very difficult to silence an entire crowd right i mean any joke can offend any person i had a friend and her mom and dad was killed in a car crash swerving to avoid a chicken that was crossing the road i mean you can imagine what her life was like i remember her storming out of the basil brush show i don't think there was any malice in the fox's remark anyway i walked off stage at montreal and there was a canadian guy in the dressing room would organize the whole event and i said oh dear i said they didn't like the swings and roundabouts yeah he said uh i didn't get it i said well you know that saying swings around about it's like six or one after the other you know you know that saying anyway he said we don't have that saying in canada and i thought well what did they think i meant then did they honestly think that in the middle of a comedy show i had stopped to tell an anecdote in which a young pedophile says to an old pedophile where's the best places to pick up kids and the old pedophile just tells him swings and roundabouts is a startle that's most helpful anyway let's move on gene before we move on though pete townsend right now pete townsend as you may know is the lead guitarist with the who now i don't know if you read about this but he was charged with looking up child pornography on the internet he said i wasn't doing it for those horrible reasons i was researching my autobiography which is one of the few books you think you might not need to research having been there for all of it right bob i like pete townsend i like the who he said i cannot accept that he's one of those terrible people i'm sure it was a mistake and that he's innocent this is what i think happened i think pete was on stage one night with the who and he thought to himself you know when i get back to my hotel i think i'll write a little bit of my autobiography in fact tonight i think i might write some stuff about pedophilia and then he thought pedophilia have i made that up so i don't um i don't ron now i tell you why i don't run much because i'm of an age now where falling over is a much bigger deal than it used to be i mean there's people now probably in the front row at least who fall over probably three or four times a week on the alco pops but i was talking to someone a couple of months but i was standing on on steps just like half a dozen steps and i was chatting away and i stepped back thinking there was another step there and there wasn't and i toppled and over i went right the hand kicked in but it couldn't save me and i mentioned it it was wasn't very spectacular but i mentioned it to a couple of people in passing you know just to make conversation that week i got five phone calls from friends right all along the lines of uh i uh i heard you fell over are you all right and instead of making light of it i heard myself saying well i was a bit shaken up pathetic in case you're wondering i was 50 in january right and uh no no why would you applaud that still alive who'd have thought that i left that gap for people to say no that simply cannot be true but didn't happen so yeah so is this is there any 50 year old men in tonight where are you mate there's one in an albion shirt there the troubles are piling up aren't they what what's your name mate tony when was your 50 15 february okay so um did you go through a bit of a mid-life crisis obviously that's a little bit optimistic did you get through it two-thirds of the way through life crisis you didn't no no i did what i did my i think most blokes you know they start listening to dance music by a sports car it's all a bit tragic my thing was i i had a gold tooth fitted right and thanks it's not the price is right i'm not selling it and i thought it would make me look a bit more street you know so about four days after i had it fitted i was in this bar uh quite a trendy bar in the west end of london i was meeting someone it's early evening and i was just sitting at the bar talking to the bar mate it was very attractive sort of mid-20s i i could see she had no idea who i was but i could tell she'd clock the tooth right and i thought well she's probably thinking you know he's a bit of a hip-hop dude and then after about three minutes she said to me do you work on the waltzes don't you dare applaud that [Applause] that's what happens when you start to get older it doesn't happen to be just little things little incidents and you think oh i'm getting old right i had my hair cut right i went to this airdress i've never been there before i didn't know the bloke he cut my air looked all right he said to me uh do you want me to do your ears as well what do you say to that yeah can you leave them quite long on the lows and i'll have a number one crop around the actual hole please and let's see what 50 is like a big milestone you really overreact when you get to 50 you start acting like you're 80. so i've started thinking like an old person i did the sound check here tonight you know before obviously before you arrive and i have to come upstairs just like a few stairs at the back of the stage there and i was thinking best be a bit careful i don't have what my friends now refer to as one of my falls i was thinking tony i might get one of them them buzzers you can get you know in case in case you fall and you're not found obviously i'd be a bit pissed off if i fell tonight and was not found people leaving saying it was alright i didn't like the ending much did you was it some sort of tommy cooper hamash ah there goes my 25 minutes of princess diana material and the other thing is when i got to 50 i thought i better start looking after myself now so i thought shall i join a gym and then i thought no no i'll get some multivitamins so i went to the supermarket and there's loads right but i saw some and they're called 50 plus right and i thought i'm having you right but this is weird right the thing was that when i saw them i was still a week short of my 50th birthday and i thought um best levy i suppose i don't know why like i thought the assistant might ask to see my birth certificate anyway somebody bought me some for my birthday is that what they call a comedy present i believe and i've been taking them since january that 50 plus multivits and i hope they're doing me good but there is one side effect which i hadn't anticipated right now any bloke in the audience or any woman who lives with a bloke will know that in the household where a man lives the toilet seat is often left up right and often on the front of the rim of the toilet there's a bit of a bit of a jackson pollock you know what i'm saying googling lee it's a bit of a squiggle of urine right it's true though isn't it gene am i right you're a nurse you know about these things yeah why don't they just take a single sheet when it when it's when it's wet and just blot it away but they don't they leave it until it takes on a sort of a lemon curd consistency as if they're going to come back and apply glitter so anyway i live alone so i always have to squiggle on the front of the rim of the toilet you know apart from thursday's when the cleaner comes and she just peels it off like a price label oh it's still there on the toilet but honestly since i've been on the 50-plus multi-bits it's there but it glows in the dark it glows in the dark it's done something to my urine and made it luminous i don't know why honestly if i wake up in the middle of the night it's like there's a little runway between my bed and the ensuite formed by dozens of slightly dribbly return journeys and the rock you know the toilet rod that fits around the front of the on man you should see my toilet rock it's like flying over vegas and like all blokes i get the stainage i mean every bloke gets the stain you can't actually you can't help that you know really you can shake it until it bleeds it's like there's some sort of secondary tolerance that comes i don't know i understand the mechanics but you can't avoid it so i've got the patch now it's completely fluorescent right if if i went jogging at night wearing just my pants right i reckon in a rear-view mirror i could be mistaken for an approaching motorcycle i said earlier that i i ran everywhere as a kid right that wasn't strictly true i i spent quite a lot of time as a kid doing this for miles right and um i was playing cowboys in case you people look genuinely what what's he doing right i played and who played cowboys here as children nobody in the west midlands yeah there was a woman over there who played cowboys fantastic that's bro but you didn't play kelp i bet you did dressage man we loved it we loved the cowboys and i loved it so much when i got to about 35 i'd stopped by then i uh i thought i'm going to learn to ride a proper horse so i booked i booked a lesson at this riding school and i turned up oh god i'm knackered from doing the horse riding i turned up there and the bloke he wasn't very friendly and i think he thought oh you know city boy he's you know he shouldn't be doing this he said to me uh he said there's the horse put that saddle on it i'll be back in 10 minutes first lesson right so he went off and i thought i'm going to show him right so i picked the saddle up the horse looked edgy but it's all right i put the satellite now under the the saddle thing there's there's a strap called the girth right and that holds the whole thing in place you have to get it very tight right and i pulled it and i got it tight but not quite tight enough i was i was a hole short you know which can ruin any good night out but anyway i thought when he comes back i'm going to be on the horse i'll show him so i put me foot in the stirrup right yes you know don't you i didn't and i started forgetting and i went and the saddle went upside down and gave the horse a sort of a giant chinese burn i heard the tearing of hair it was horrible and he turned the horse on he turned to me like this i'm standing here right he's standing here he bit he hit me he bit me right there right where the bicep should be and when i say he bit me you're probably thinking i can imagine what happened that he went he didn't he bit me but he bit me really slowly right it was weird and imagine that's me i'm the horse right so i i've just received the giant chinese burn right so as i say he turns like this and then he went i had ages to get out the way i just stood there it was like i felt i owed him you know and the thing is with a horse as well is their eyes are quite a long way from their teeth so even while he was biting me he was still bloody staring you know why i'm doing this the other thing i decided i had to change when i got to 50 was my um my lifestyle on the sexual front right because i'll be honest with you when i used to tour in the old days i used to put myself about to be you know what i mean i used to have a lot of one night stands and stuff like that i'm not proud of it well i'm a little bit proud of it but i wouldn't be telling you but i no but i thought for a 50 year old man i'm right gene it's not very dignified is it no no yeah you're right what does that mean i should be beheaded for it that's a little hard now so i've stopped doing the one night stands i just think it's wrong for a 50 year old man also i also found with the one night stands and there'll be people here who do one night stands i'm not condemning you but don't you find this the very the very second this is what i find the very second i completed the act i wanted them to go i i'd sort of be going get out you can't treat people like that it's not right i mean maybe women are the same when they come i have no idea i'm usually on the boss by then now it's a lie i don't get the boss no no but it's even spoiled the sexual bit because even when i was having sex i'd be thinking oh we're gonna have that awkward conversation after about her leaving you know and i used to be all subtle i used to say stuff like i must say the local cab firms here are very good right and um i was with uh one woman right and um we'd had the sexuals right and and she said to me she said uh look she said i can't stay out all night i've got two black labs i said i never noticed i said was it frostbite now don't worry if you didn't get that joke right because she didn't either which i have to say really annoyed me because i was quite pleased with myself i thought that was pretty sharp i was still postcoital you know slightly lightheaded i felt i've done well and i said to her i said i said you must admit that was pretty quick she said it was hardly my fault i said i meant the joke and that's an interesting point because people think that one night stands are very unemotional but you can still get your feelings hurt right i really there was one i i this really upset me now i met i met this woman right and she's very nice and we went back to my hotel room now that afternoon i'd been pottering around the town as you do when you're on tour i'd been into the record shop and i'd bought a four cd box set called a history of black music right so we got to the um the hotel room she was getting undressed yes and i thought i'll put a bit of music on you know make it a bit cool and slinky and black music it'll be like you know barry white marvin gaye something cool so i took the cellophane off put it in the hotel cd player and then i moved towards the target right and i was i was fully sheathed in case you're worried in fact i had been all afternoon i took enough twice to have a piss anyway i joined her in bed and i how can i put it i mounted right and i wasn't fully sunk but i was probing when the music kicked in now the thing is with black music it goes back a lot longer than you might think right so i was just starting to find my rhythm when i heard that [Music] probably the least sexy piece of music ever written right and you would be amazed how much it spoiled the act for me i all i could hear was the music it really and i tried to make the most of it there was one point i remember when i was and even in the midst of sex i said to this woman i said i said i'm sorry about this i said i don't even like jazz she said it's ragtime i said you should have said that before we started [Applause] what kind of people would clap that anyway we completed the act well i did and we was lying back now after sex i always like to um apologize when i'm with a new person i it's never very good because i get nervous and i know i'm not you know i'm not on my top form and i said to her i said i said i know that wasn't i said i enjoyed it but i know it wasn't great and this was what she said she said oh don't worry she said my boyfriend already breaking one of the golden rules of a one-night stand she said my boyfriend has got a very big no the word no but the word she used was a word i personally don't like i swear but there are some words you know i just met me squirm a bit it was one of those she said my boyfriend has got a very big prick and then as if it needed some clarification she said a massive pre-casting all right i could smell it [Applause] she said and sometimes it can be quite uncomfortable she said so that was a bit of a relief i didn't even feel i could ever go back at it because somehow she'd managed to frame it as a sort of a compliment the new lightweight tampon you won't even know it's there [Applause] i think one of the the strange probably the three strangest one night stands i ever had i think one of them was certainly i met i met a woman in in in birmingham actually and we went back to a flat in in rotten park right i know um well i know that was a very unusual for me because i never used to go back to their place i would invite them to my flat or my hotel room but i i almost never went back to theirs because you know i i didn't want to get murdered but needs must so she was very insistent that we went back to earth so we went back to a flat now gene i'm going to have to give some details here because the geography of this story is quite important but i'll keep it as respectable as i can she took all her clothes off and knelt she knelt on the bed right facing away from me right and i stood behind right remember she's yeah and uh i stood behind and we had we had the sex from beyond straight sex but from behind right but the doggy style they call it don't they yeah when i say the doggy style i don't mean she was going [Applause] see that thing i didn't pick up on it so we started having um the sex from behind and i was having a i was having a nice time and uh you know there's young blokes over here watching every move trying to pick up a few tips note the subtle change of angle i find you have to get in all them nooks and crannies it's not unlike hoovering in that respect i certainly intended emptying me back no no that was that was cheap so anyway i was having a nice time it was all going lovely and then i saw something moving out the corner of my eye no no but this was quite shocking right because what what happened a child had come into the bedroom and i mean like a two-year-old girl was standing watching us right now this woman you remember this one i've almost forgotten to myself now this woman now she uh she told me that she had a daughter right but i didn't think she'd be back at the flat i certainly didn't think she'd be wandering around in the bedroom so i panicked a bit right and i didn't want to say anything to the mother in case she suggested stopping i'm going to tell you that have you ever ever been having sex and you have to stop suddenly in the middle of it do you know what i mean like you just thought that the doorbell goes or the the saucepan's balling over or something you know or you just run out of money but you have to stop suddenly it's happened to everybody i think it's probably happened to me about five times in my life and every time i've stopped suddenly during sex i have never been able to resist the temptation to go now i'd read somewhere right that if a child walks in on adults having sex they can mistake it for an act of violence and and be quite frightened so i didn't want that to happen so i i became very worried about the child i didn't want her to be scared right i mean not worried enough to stop but still this was what i thought i've got to make sure she's okay this is what i did right and bear in mind i was thinking on my feet okay so i um i started going uh and then i started pulling faces right away like the mother must have heard the giggling must have assumed it was me mr thought i was there anyway thank god the child got bored after a bit and left the room before i actually ejaculated i wouldn't like to look round and she was going [Applause] i have to say to you now this it's a walk down memory lane for me that because um that mime that i'm doing there you know it's actually it dates the whole experience for me because i uh this happened a few years ago this this thing and now if i have sex in there with the woman kneeling on the bed i've i've changed my technique somewhat but i've had to and i'll tell you for it's a weird thing if i have um i'd love to know if anyone else but but you won't tell me in the last three or four years i've found if i have sex with the woman kneeling on the bed and me standing behind i have to hold on very tightly right otherwise they seem to draw away from me have you felt it's a bit like you know when you're in a conga and it gets a bit stretched it's odd and um no it's it's hard so i started i'm having the sexuals it's going lovely and then i look down and i think i'm sure i couldn't see this much condom when i started [Music] [Applause] with her vagina blowing raspberries like a rude schoolboy from the back window of a departing boss now i have a theory i don't know but this is my theory i think it's something to do with the female mathematician right you know the female mathematician now three or four years ago the female amazing was a taboo subject never mentioned but now women are much more out what they have to and i be right that when when i suggest having sex from behind right and i always suggest it i i don't just creep up on people they might have hot tea but whenever i suggest it there's always a look i find now in the woman's eye as if she's thinking oh that's a very good position for me to supplement his activities with a bit of diy and men pretend that they like that or that turns me on baby but in fact it does quite hurt our feelings right if you if sometimes you'll be having so you think oh man she's loving this and then you realize that you're claiming it but in fact it's an own goal and the male ego is so delicate right i've been there i've realized it's going on and i thought well you know maybe she's just scratching but is that good news something was nagging at me i don't remember what it was there but something was on my mind and i was having sex from behind but i was still deep in thought and sometimes when you're deep in thought you need both hands to think right and i was having sex like this i looked down i realized for the previous three minutes i had been what i can only describe as air she was 18 inches away i drew about like sliding a bowling ball like a rack keep talking frank for god's sake gina can't even look at you and the other thing i've found with with the sex from now i think i think most men will have expert i'm not even sure that when we know this is going on over their shoulders but often you start having the sex from beyond and you think well i've still got my shirt on right now it turns the male shirt is just the right length to collect slither you know during sex from beyond there's a cocktail of male and female juices knocking around and i find they tend to cling to the hem gene can you just put your fingers in your ears for two minutes i was um i've lost my nerve now i was having uh the angles right yeah i was having the angers with a shirt on right honestly through this and the it got trapped honestly you know when paper gets stuck in a printer it was like that obviously a light didn't come on but we had to stop and i i had to wrench it and the thing was i didn't have another shirt with me i had to go out that night in and i've got a few stairs i can tell you i told one bloke i'd tie-dyed it in vista for a second but clothes can get snagged up though that's why i never have sex from behind with a tie on because you could choke if that gets caught six good throws your face down in the bomb crack where no one can hear your scream end up coming on your own face now what i need is a sort of 32-inch bicycle clip to keep everything out of arm's way but you can't just walk into a shop and buy one of them they have to be bespoke so like most men i've come up with a series of methods from having sex from behind with a shirt on i think the most common most of you will recognize is the roll up so you started having sex and you think i've still got my shirt on album the thing is sex from behind obviously is quite a physical activity so after the beat you're fine you think oh no this is coming walk on here it's too much to think about at one time so what for many years i use that method now i won't demonstrate this because you don't want to see my torso it's it's not attractive but i would undo the shirt on botany and hold the two sides back with my elbows right the thing is it very much shortens the arms for holding on so you're having sex like this it's something i've been a tyrannosaurus rex i think that's why they died out the females just slid out around and also when you're holding the shirt back with your elbows when you do finally calm right it all goes a bit mick jagger so you're sort of going i was talking to a mate of mine about this anyway and he said to me said i don't know what your problem is he said when you realize you've still got your shirt on just you know on botany take it off cast it to one side and carry on a man nod in there a bit of wisdom wasn't it wise words the thing is you see i wear some quite expensive shirts and really they need to be hanged and i find that women notice if you start edging them towards the wardrobe i wanted and i got right up to the wardrobe i got the door open i took out a wire coat anger the woman looked round and said it's all right i've got the morning after pill [Applause] anyway i had what i can only describe as a life-changing experience right i went to visit a friend and colleague of mine david the deal [Applause] i'll tell him i mentioned your name five and a half thousand people and four of them went way i'll phone him tonight so i turned up at his house right and uh he comes he said uh you're a bit earlier than i thought which is the kind of warm greeting i've come to expect from him but we went in the house he he got kind of you know he got uh jeans t-shirt trainers and on it on his on his t-shirt there was a a sort of a there was a wet patch about here and um i said what is that what's that on your t-shirt and he went oh he said look he said to be honest he said you caught me mid-masturbation you mean post and he said oh no he said it's not that and this is honestly what he said right he said no no he said he said when i do it he said i'll do this i thought that's a good idea isn't it so now when i have sex from behind with the shirt on all i do is i hold the shirt in my teeth and it works a treat the only side effect i've found is that my dirty talk now sounds like it's coming from a ventriloquist dummy so i'm sort of going you got it it disturbs people more i went to uh i went to a party in um in the city of london which is it's all offices so at night it's deserted right but there's still double yellow lines everywhere so you can't park so i i sort of got to the party but i had to park about a mile away right and then i couldn't remember how to get back to the party so i'd been using a sat nav in the car you know sat nav and how tragic is this i took the sat nav out of the car and walked with the satnav to the party and it was one of those tomtom ones you know they've reached birmingham haven't they yeah and when you when you're driving with one of those you've got you've got like the computer map and you've got like your car is represented by an arrow and you still get the little arrow when you're walking which is actually quite exciting you can see yourself moving down the road i took a couple of turns just to make it move right oh and this is the best bit i got to bear in mind there was nobody around i got to the main road right and what i did i was still watching my little arrow on the screen i ran into the main road just about like a foot and then out again and then into the main road again and i managed to recreate the opening titles to dad's army you can honestly honestly i have tried it really really works right and the brilliant thing about the dad's army song is you can sing it all the way through while you're doing it because you don't need to you can sing it without knowing any words it's very weird song in that respect you can kind of go everybody oh doubt me i had a bit of a thing with that song guys you know when you just accept something you just you just accept you've accepted it for years and then one day you think hold on a minute not sure about this i did that with that so i also did it with the elephant man incidentally i saw the elephant man recently on late night telly right the film obviously not not him chat show that'd be brilliant vlogging his new dvd he's bloopers dvd he's hilarious [Music] and i watched the i hadn't seen the elephant man film since it came out you know probably whatever it was early 90s or something and i was about an hour into the film when i thought to myself you know the elephant man doesn't actually look like an elephant the elephant man doesn't right if anything he sort of looks like fresh ginger because he was in a freak show you know you couldn't put up posters that said featuring the ginger man well people would have said well okay they're not the best looking people in the world but i'm paying to see one it's how it works but i i had the same thing with the dad's army song i must have heard it a thousand times never questioned it and then i was listening to it one sunday afternoon it was on recently and it come on who do you think you're kidding mr hitler if you think and i thought it's actually quite a weird subject for a sing-along comedy song isn't it hitler right so i googled it and it turns out that during world war ii even though hitler was bombing the out of us at the time lots of british comedians people like george formby and stuff brought out jolly sing-along songs about the nazis right and the british public loved them right and i thought it's a shame we've lost that i kind of like that attitude to warfare but if a modern british comedian brought out a jolly sing-along song about say the iraq war he'd be slaughtered wouldn't he if he was watching the lottery show one saturday and they said and now with his new single ladies and gentlemen frank skinner and i came on the band strike up and i'm going my mate ali was a dentist now he's a muslim fundamentalist [Applause] watch out mr traffic wardens [Music] [Applause] in birmingham i'm gonna write one especially for you get me a little ukulele george formby song about the war against terror it would work with me i don't usually think i'm not a cat i am a very caring very caring person i did i did the comic relief right and you know when comedians they commit relief they always say oh it's very emotional right and it is quite emotional but i am i was involved in a minor incident right we were in west africa and we had to get to this villa what happened is three years earlier um comet relief had built a water pump for this village and we had to go and have a look at the water pump right i don't know why but we did right make sure they haven't sold it as scrap maybe not anyway everybody else went i wasn't going to stay in the five-star hotel on my own so we we got to this village right and this was lovely actually the village people had lined up right out the village [Applause] if they were lined up i might have been tempted who knows i was only holding this no the people of the village lined up and formed a sort of an avenue into the village sort of applauding us it was lovely you know and i think the idea was that we should walk down and shake hands but i thought i don't want to be you know too grand keep it light i thought so i thought i'll run down like a footballer running down a tunnel you know and as i say i don't run very often and when i do often things go awry so as i i was sort of trondling down like this and just as you went into the village there was a wooden overhang right which i didn't see i leave my head honestly you know when it nearly knocks you out it was honestly like that it nearly knocked me out real bang and the african people pissed themselves i had enough of mine to smash that pump to smithereens obviously looking back it was a lovely warm human moment but i just hit my head really i couldn't really appreciate it and you know also when you i think this is true of most people if you if you do it you're red hard you swear i mean people just do right and uh it was so i sort of went oh off what about the world you know the african people all went oh they thought i was having a go and i went no no no and then i laughed and then they left again it was all fine anyway the director comes up to me after and he said oh he said he said i love that bit where you eat your head and they all laugh he said we'll put that in the comet relief show on the night and i said well i wish i hadn't sworn you know and he said i don't wanna say we'll cut that bit out in the edit but i did worry right because i know things can go wrong in edits you know even our own dear queen was misrepresented and i thought what if they cut that bit out and then accidentally throw the other bit away and just keep that bit and then i'm watching comment relief on the night with a few family and friends telling them what an emotional life-changing experience jonathan ross comes on and says in two minutes time we'll be meeting wiki gervais but first of all this short film and then it's just me going up [Music] who's going to give on the strength of that and i'd really i'd really tried as well because i won't name names but some of the celebrities they just kind of turn up i'd done my research i've been on the internet i'd read but we're not books magazines there was one there's one thing that confused me there was an advert for a charity right and it said just 40 pounds will buy this african village a tractor i thought that's bloody jeep isn't it as soon as i get off the plane i'm off to the nearest massey ferguson dealership how much for the snow plow five pounds i'll give you three okay and also in my teens i was very impressed by that oxfam slogan do you remember this it went uh if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day if you give him a fishing rod you feed him for a lifetime i had that in my mind however i was sent to bikina faso in west africa which is basically in the sahara desert right so i looked a bit of a fall when i said hey look what i've bought yeah the same sweet guy said the nearest water is 300 miles away i said just jump on the snowplow i'll drop anyway look it's tuesday night it's birmingham i feel i should talk about oral sex i don't actually give the orals anymore i know before you condem i mean the occasional peck on the majora but i i rarely visit the inner folds and i'll tell you what i'm not squeamish some men are quite squeamish about it in fact i really didn't marry claire it's good there's a thing called um some men have a thing called clitoral phobia right which in case you're wondering it's not an irrational fear of the lancashire town of clitherow they're actually scared some men it's amazing they're scared of the female um i don't like the word the clyde taurus they're scared of the clitoris that that's not my problem in fact i'd say nowadays that's one of the few things in a hood that i'm not scared of [Music] no matter how sweet nature and lovely a woman is when you start giving them the orals they go through a bit of a character change right they get quite bossy and actually aggressive you know you are right and some of them will bark out instructions it's it's what i call the play your cards right approach they're going higher lower stick [Applause] i don't mind that right i object to having my ears held i would never do that i don't think it's safe for a start off some women i can see blokes no yes oh honestly i have given some women the oils it's like they've been pleasured by a small steering i wheel remember more than one brazilian grand prix and this is like this is not new for me the second time i gave the orals right that the second time i was a teenager inexperienced you know i had no technique to speak of but i was giving it my best shot you know i was with a woman only three years older than me right and i was but beaver in a way and suddenly she yanked my head upwards right and i had a pain go all down this side and i'll remember what she said if i lived to be a hundred right she went she went oi what you don't want when you're trying to be sensual but it got worse she she said oy she said stick to the shallow end i added that bit no i'll they'll give me i'll talk when i'm receiving the orals but i would never dream of giving instructions i don't think any man would dare to right i'd talk basically just just to get their minds off it more than anything else i'm always worried it might suddenly dawn on them you know what they're doing gross i have to say i wouldn't blame any woman for doing that i bet you now there is not a bloke in here tonight who has not at some point when receiving the orals right it was not looked down and gone would you suit me [Applause] how many how many women recognize this right women especially with slightly longer hair you know you know when a man lies on the bed like aching for the orals right and you very kindly oblige and you lean over him right and after a bit he does that thing when he draws back the hair like a i'm curtain some women think you know well how lovely in the midst of this animalistic actor you still intend to gaze upon the face of the woman he loves the bloke is almost always thinking well scenes believing she is actually sucking michael i am so insecure by nature that whenever i draw about the hair curtain right i always half expect to see the woman there with a cantaloupe with a hole in it no i said get out you betrayed me leave the cantaloupe i don't need to think now that i'm lady i'm really not laddish about it right i actually think of myself as a very sensitive lover right no i do i do what i i i don't like you know sometimes the man stands and the woman kneels i always have a problem with the kneeling thing right i don't i don't know where to put my hands for a start off right as i've been quite so bad since i took up the banjo i see what you think i'm interested what women think about this i i've always thought it's a nice thing to sort of gently stroke the hair is that nice yeah it's quite it's quite a sweet thing to do isn't it i think you can learn from that lee yeah never pat though okay yeah i find they don't like that and also i think that they think you might be used to getting it from the dog likewise when you do finally come never give them a biscuit now it's true i think for men and women i think this is this is the truth of it that sometimes you get that just go on forever you know those ones the woman is there and her lips are stinging and swollen and he's thinking who can i think about now well i was in one of those right i'd started off very very focused stroke in the air tenderly after about 10 minutes my mind had wandered right when i eventually snapped out of it i looked down i'd absent-mindedly put a couple of plats in looking around for elastics and some blokes bear in mind they're already getting the orals right what they'll do they'll reach down and and and fondle the breasts right they're already getting the orals greedy [Music] who says we can't multitask that now i'm sure women have worked out that there's a thing about a bloke and breasts right once you let them know that they can they will right doesn't matter when a bloke can come in from work looking very distressed right genuinely upset and his wife or girlfriend or say if you had a bad day at the office and you'll say oh man it's not working out for me there i had a big argument with steve in sales and it might be time for a bit of a career change because this i'm starting to get depressed about what are you doing some blokes they can be having sex from behind even right sex from behind and that's not enough for them they have to think well i can reach i never do that right first of all it gets me right in the small of the back but also i did it once and i i reached forward to to fondle and the woman i think thought i'd lean forward to whisper right and she looked you know she looked that i felt obliged to come up with something i said so um how's it going at your end is there anyone in tonight who's kind of in a new relationship you know less than a year just sort of got together where are you oh someone there what's your name jackie lucky are you named after a family pet lucky as in l-u-c-k-y i'll show it for luke vinda right i'm i can still do jokes about it i'm all easy with it now it's fine so he said is that your boyfriend next to you there okay what's your name amajit right when did you when did you to get together you just got married how long you been together you met last week oh come on obviously i'm dead after how long have you been together year and a half now how did you me it was arranged brilliant right when you first got together how did i know that it's mystical when you first got together did you used to text each other a lot yeah because i read the thing in the paper that said the biggest change in in new relationships in the 21st century is the text message right that that's how you communicate did you find it sort of a good way of communicating emotions or was your parents did they do it better no i people don't believe this but i talk i've got like you know young relatives in that and they i said when i first started having a relationships right there was no texting they don't believe you no texting no mobile phones you know in in in albry there was no phones you know when you're in a new relationship and you get the text message and you get all excited you think this could be from them this could be from them i was like that when i saw a pidgin i think texting does make new relationships a bit more stressful and i didn't need anything that made new relationships more stressful because i have to confess you know this is a serious confession when i first start going out with someone i become a complete knock case right now some of you may be able to identify with this i don't know but i get madly jealous madly insecure madly obsessed right lucky you said you leaned across to is he the same now it's honestly i i become a different person and you know it's not nice and i just want to try and give you an insight tonight into that person that i've become and it isn't pleasant right so this is what i'm like i've met the woman say six days earlier right all i'm thinking about is her that's all i think about and i'm living to get the text message and i get a text message and it says something like your granddad's been taken into hospital i think i think our it's not from her and then i finally get a text message from her and it might just say something like i hope you're having a lovely day and i think oh man she hopes i'm having a lovely day that's fantastic even i've only known her six days i have an image of her in a hospital bed covered in sweat having just given birth to our first child and i'm saying to her you did it darling she said hello we did it frank and i'm thinking about that image and i'm reading the text and i think about the image and i read the text probably 70 or 80 times right and then eventually i think hold on a minute where's the kiss scrolling down as if the kiss might somehow be trapped at the bottom of the phone but there is no kiss right so i sent a text message back and it says something like yes i'm having a lovely day in fact i'm just on my way out now kiss you just got my way out but i need to get a point of milk but i want to leave it a bit vague because i want it to go round and round her head right and she'll be thinking we might go to some trendy pop there'll be young women there one thing will lead to another and she'll spend the night with any luck at least at least in tears and hopefully actually with anxiety right [Music] brave enough to actually phone on my phone and i get the answer phone and i think oh that's it her phone's off she's obviously someone else comes in and it says something like uh sorry i can't take your call right now if they know you can't take my copy and take someone else's stiff yeah i hope he's dripping with aids i actually left that last bit honorary and the next time i see her she says that was a weird message you left on my answer phone and i said yeah i wasn't taught you as an accident i talked to a mate of mine i was anticipating the arrival of a hearing aid salesman and i said i hope he brings lots of stock for you to choose from in fact i hope he's dripping with aids she gets a text message and she reads it and she doesn't let you read it as well and they did that kind of snicker and they go and you know two things one it's filth and two they love it right since she got a text message i leaned right back to reading over her shoulder it said thank you for my birthday present exclamation mark steve and i thought yeah we all know what the birthday present the exclamation mark clearly meant to represent a vagina and anus jealousy is a bad thing people say to me jealousy it's like cancer isn't it in a way it's worse than cancer because at least with cancer you do get some sympathy whereas if i go out with a mate and i say to him i've been seeing this woman for about a week and i think she might be seeing someone else so when she went to the toilet of the night i went through a handbag and started reading a diary i know he'll just look at me right three days later he's not gonna phone up and say i was telling the gang about your jealousy and we've had a whip brand we're gonna send you to disneyland when kylie minnow was diagnosed with cancer she got half a million get well cards six months later her boyfriend olivier martinez was seen snogging penelope cruz poor kylie was crippled with jealousy how many cards did you get then one from me saying you're on your own baldi and she'll say i was chatting to this guy at work i don't hear the rest of the sentence she was chatting to a guy at work she was chatting to a guy at work i have an image of the guy at work right he looks like johnny depp he's in a white shirt and a tie he's leaning forward supporting himself with his left hand on the toilet system with his right hand he's wanking like a gibbon behind him thrilled that i'm honored to be tonguing out his arse i'm supposed to just accept that and then that night to compel my humiliation she comes around my house and kisses myself i too must die so in order to even things off i have to start seeing prostitutes and i'm in the backseat of my car with a 16 year old ugandan sex slave sucking my guilt trunk maggot of a penis and i'm thinking to myself talking to some guy at work two could play at this game the only text you can send me early on in a relationship has to say i absolutely totally love you with no doubt whatsoever kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss when i get that text i will run around my flat punch in the air and whoop it with absolute delight for about three minutes and then i start thinking actually this is too much too soon [Applause] do you think this bit would work better if i accompanied with the theme music from simon bates is our tune no you're probably right so um the point i'm trying to make is that when i'm in a new relationship i've become a bit of a knock case and um obviously i've exaggerated it a little bit for effect i definitely don't start seeing prostitutes for revenge that would be a terrible thing to do i feel i know you well enough now to say that i've been with two prostitutes in my life one when i was 17 didn't know any better and one when i was drinking a lot and you know my life was out of control she actually was ugandan but she definitely wasn't a 16 year old sex life she was about 45 and actually quite aggressive you should hear the language when i said this should cover it and gave her the fishing rod [Applause] the next night she's on a tractor thank you very much [Applause] [Applause] do [Music] [Applause] what happened to that nasty man so pally with the taliban oh oh oh oh osama bin laden i believe you promised to buy this he had one big hit then he went away like a terrorism acre he occasionally sends out a videotape to say he's doing great and he's full of hate [Music] well if he's doing so great then please tell me why a video tape not a dvd [Applause] you might think that he's wicked and he prayed but think of him stuck in that cave he takes girls back there now and then but the clerics just throw stones at all them banned by the taliban so he always misses the ice cream back home taliban tv ain't got a lot of laughs in their biggest show is called strictly no dancing no one comes to his parties anymore it's like being michael barrymore thank you very much good night [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] thank you very much i don't normally do this bit but you know it's birmingham leave them on a song that's what you're supposed to do but ah it [Applause] oh dear so what else oh yeah one thing i didn't tell you um is that um the thing about being 50 is you know the things that it's changed one of the things it's changed is i don't do the um pornography anymore now it's true because at 50 now i know it's it's a shock it was something i hope would be a comfort in my old age i find now um i just feel bad about it if i'm looking at the internet you know there's women on there in their early 20s and stuff it just feels right you know i feel bad about it i can't look myself in the mirror you know and if i do i lose my erection immediately but then i had a brilliant idea i switched to granny don't porn until you've seen it yourself it's at us there's something wonderful about it right stretch marks facial hair hip operation scar just above the stocking top suddenly i felt respectable it's a secret world but there's something lovelier about it than you might think right you get you might get a a woman there in the late 70s lying on a sofa wearing just stockings and suspenders right and i see that and i think oh marvellous an old age pensioner can afford to have the heating on that high and honestly they seem such lovely women right and they all seem like they're having a fabulous time i wouldn't be surprised to find out you know when when they've had a bit of a rinse after there's a cup of tea and a biscuit waiting in there they have a nice day out right and they seem lovely and for example if i was in a club right in birmingham tonight and i saw a female porn star who was like in her early 20s i would never dream of going up to her and saying something like you know i've got a dvd with you on because i imagine she'd be a bit unfriendly you know and a bit snooty whereas if it was one of the women from granny porn and i said i've got a dvd with you on she'd probably offer to knit me a cover for it honestly try it i think i think you might like it and uh no really there are all sorts of advantages you'd never think of for example in ordinary pornography it's very difficult to get a close-up shot that includes the vagina and nipples i don't want to stereotype these women because some of them have got lovely pointy breasts no really not not unlike samosas there's a sort of an indian food theme that runs through granny porn because a lot of the women have got quite pale wrinkled dry skin with areas of brown mottling and apparently this is how we get the fries nan bread no i didn't know that either wikipedia right it's a marvelous thing so what i'd like to do before before we go is i just going to give you a few examples of i mean i don't have clips i'm just going to tell you about them things that i've seen in granny porn and i think you'll know why i love it so right um i saw one now and it was a it was a woman i bet she was 80 right and and you know when women get the shaky head the old women you know well she had the shaky head and it was a it was a scene right they put them with old men they put them with quite young good-looking men so you get the contrast and this guy was there and i could see he was he was struggling with the moving target he couldn't quite coordinate you know it was if you ever watched anybody with a hangover thread a needle you know the kind of thing but when it switched to the hand job she just held on tight and nature took its course it was fantastic another one now this was one of the old girls she went on top right which doesn't happen very often i didn't i couldn't really enjoy it because i was i feel she might topple but it was a lovely bit because like i say they're old women and even in pornography they're still quite cute and lovable right and when she got on top right and when she was getting ready it was like watching somebody get into a very hot bath [Music] i saw one woman right again about 70 and she was having sex with this young guy and with each thrust right she was going oh damn and then she went oh smash him there's now this is quite rare in in granny porn that there was an anal sex scene right it's a risk a [Applause] but there was a brilliant honestly this was such a heartwarming moment even in that context right because at the point of entrance just as the boat entered the woman went whoops bob and if i understand if this is that oh this is the last one but it's it's the best thing i ever saw in granny port if there was a if there was a desert island granny porn program this would be the one i'd choose as my as my special moment right it was um it was a a woman who was i'd say she was late seventies right and she was with this guy very very good looking latino kind of young man very chisel physique and it was another scene right and she was one of the nice things about the old women is that i think older people they don't take sex as seriously as as the young do and they like they have a bit of fun you know and i love them for that right and this the young guy was very somber and serious and she was doing the and she was looking up quite a lot you know and um i personally don't like that when i'm when i'm receiving i don't i don't like it when that makes me very self-conscious and uh no i don't like it's a bit that's why i never get oral sex from a horse there you know or amy whiners for the same reason [Applause] remember [Applause] no i i don't like being looked up at when i'm receiving i feel that i have to look like i'm having a brilliant time for morale do you know what i mean occasionally i'll go anyway this old woman was was looking up at this guy and uh doing the and then out of nowhere i thought this was honestly i laughed about this for about a month right i'd just be sitting on my own occasionally ago and she was giving him the and then brilliantly she suddenly went dude and the great thing was i actually recognized the tune it was american patrol by the glenn miller orchestra the image of her as a young woman jitterbogging with a handsome gi but this um this handsome young latino guy didn't even smile didn't was really miserable about it probably worried about how he's going to get the smell of mint boggs off his helmet you've been great tonight thank you very much cheers [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Comoedia Is Latin For Comedy

Views: 160,388

Keywords: frank skinner, frank skinner stand up, stand up comedy, frank skinner full, frank skinner live, stand up comedy full, frank skinner Stand-Up! Live from Birmingham's National Indoor Arena, Live from Birmingham's National Indoor Arena, Birmingham's National Indoor Arena, frank skinner birmingham, National Indoor Arena

Id: 7oGsg1HPWCs

Length: 89min 36sec (5376 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 06 2021