Fran Lebowitz | Club Random with Bill Maher

love random I got I got you la I don't know I think Saturday and the manager of the hotel you know Greece media comes to the room with me and the Bellman has my luggage the bellman's standing there and the manager asked me a question and I turned to the Bellman and I said it's Saturday right I like to see him thinking what a [ __ ] country why am I carrying the bags of someone who doesn't even know what day it is you know what do you mean he's you're saying he thought he shouldn't be working on the weekend no or that you were saying the bags if someone doesn't know what day it is you're so privileged that you don't know stupid I can see him thinking what kind of [ __ ] doesn't know what day it is why isn't she carrying my bags I actually don't know what day it is you always know what day it is on the road no I never do like I mean rarely do I really do and I'm a creature of you know pattern and habit and I like the fact that on Monday I do this and on Tuesday I do this thing and Wednesday you know that's my life but when I'm off yeah I can lose track of the day and I think that's glorious you know well so I carry my schedule and see is this today someone said you're doing this I said no that is on Sunday they go it's Sunday but Hotel living I mean you don't mind Hotel living do you you do I do I mean I'm at the Beverly Hills Hotel it's one of my favorite hotels right so I prefer really great hotels but truthfully I'd rather be home well I really rather be home and it's not that my home is more luxurious than the Beverly Hills Hotel it is not no of course not but also at home I don't wait for the coffee right and it's not twenty dollars for a cup of coffee what for a cup of coffee in a hotel easily excuse me that it's thirty dollars thirty dollars for the coffee in the Beverly Hills in the morning thirty dollars I mean with the tip and no just just for the coffee come on 30 bucks I pay it every morning I mean I sign the thing for a pot it's about equipment it's not a giant pot of coffee right but it's coffee for 30 yeah no I know it's thirty dollars but um seventy dollars the next day I thought that's stupid I'll get scrambled eggs 45 right but you do know that people nowadays actually largely would love to be in a hotel because mostly where they go when they travel is Airbnb yeah well that you know what they travel for something called pleasure I travel for work by the way I know but do you want to go on vacations like do me a vacation I'm home but to be in an Airbnb which is very popular and I heard I know people who prefer to a hotel to me it's just the most disgusting thing I agree totally disgusting to be living in somebody else's house and somehow possibly seeing a pube on the soap I would just jump out the window no it's that and also usually they're on vacation doing that and I always think you know you're in the airport well you're on the airport because you go buy a private plane but if you go by commercial plane you're in the airport and you're you see these people they have three little kids screaming five thousand pieces of luggage and I always think what's in that luggage how many baseball caps do you need right like how many pairs of flip-flops like you know you're dressed like a five-year-old boy and I think yeah how bad is your regular life this is more fun oh I know yeah I mean well just the idea of going on a vacation with a family yeah or just say they have a family well just the Family itself yes I mean I'm trying not to be too snobby about that I I don't yeah I know but honestly you know it's personal preference you can't deny that we are just very different human beings that's how we come out we have different chips in our brain for whatever reason and for some people the great joy in life is family it's not where the path we have chosen but it's no less valid do you think it's less valid I don't care what other people do I don't like I am not that interested in other people you know only if their kids are screaming right I'm at the airport otherwise I don't care I don't care at all what they do it's like I know you were very interested in this I wasn't but when there was this big fight to make a marijuana legal people got to ask me about it I said I don't care do whatever you want right you know it doesn't matter to me but you know I don't care do whatever you want just be the noise is whatever don't be noisy otherwise I don't care well and the problem with children is that well they're feral yeah they're they're past noisy they were always noisy you know if you go to a pool a public pool you will always hear Kid just they're just screaming I don't know what they're screaming about but when they're outside especially in near water they're just screaming now if you're if you're safely distant it can be kind of I guess if you're a family lover kind of a a soothing din but if you're near it it's like I mean it's like root canal and Somalia it's just got to be the worst but also because they're allowed to scream so we were never allowed to scream it it isn't that you know we just weren't allowed oh come on you think when we were kids pools were not full of screaming kids I think they were pools maybe you know but in general we weren't allowed to you no no outside in the backyard yes but we weren't allowed to you we don't want to yell in the house we're gonna let you know in a restaurant weren't allowed to yell in public we wouldn't have thought of yelling because we were scared of the parents we were scared of the parents also another big difference is that uh between kids nowadays I know is that we um we had to be invited into an adult conversation whereas kids we never were um once in a while you would be pressed into service to testify for something that only someone of your age or generation could kind of like the way the Nazis used little kids in the camps to like do certain work with the bullets it's it's I think it's in in Schindler's List you know their little fingers you know we were we were it was like that we were only usable for something very specific that adults couldn't do you know like hey Billy get in here and tell us what you know what do you whenever the thing was about what's going on in school or something or Sports maybe question that only I would know about the New York Yankees um but we were not we just did not assume that we could join the adult conversation whereas now anytime I've been in the last I don't know 20 years really more probably more with you know my contemporaries and they have kids the kids absolutely feel free to join in the adult conversation or even criticize I've been criticized by 15 year olds um five-year-olds yeah and that's a big difference I get an argument with the three-year-old child she said to me you shouldn't smoke it's very bad for you oh my God I said oh you're a little girl you shouldn't tell adults what to do wow she said I'm not a little girl I'm a woman three is here not a woman you're a little girl okay but you have to that that's that story Takes the Cake I gotta say because I mean you know where that a child is not born thinking that no their motherism of course I mean just you know I talk about it all the time on my show the craziness is going on in the schools and I get a lot of [ __ ] from liberals and Democrats who unless now that they see that I'm not lying about it but three years ago they were like oh what are you uh turning into a conservative what do you mean the schools because you know schools are the province of the Democrats that's their that's their they own education as a issue right um no but the teachers union is like 99 Democrat and the reason for this you know they were probably so mad about it the reason for this is that Democrats became teachers they did and they became teachers because they were interested in education and the Republicans wanted to make money you can't make money teaching school it's impossible and that's where they well are you talking about Charter Schools no I'm talking about private schools colleges yeah well call it who do you think controls colleges Republicans Or democrats well it depends because it's not for Republicans no in state universities it is that's what DeSantis is doing now all these rules they they're not for private schools they can't do that they're for State All State schools in Florida but State schools okay well there's State schools which I still think are probably mostly run by democrats and certainly all the elite colleges this is where the insanity comes from by the way there is a a line that goes from a three-year-old saying to you I'm a woman right to Harvard if you don't know if you don't know that those there are jobs on the other hand how often have you heard that DeSantis went to Harvard like a million times they hate these schools it's like they hate the New York Times and they're always saying and he wrote A New York Times bestseller and I think what do you care you hate the New York Times oh that's right he did go to Harvard didn't he oh how do I know that because he's constantly says it you know and I think well that must be some different kind of welfare organization they had for like and we need to have some stupid people no I don't think I've ever heard DeSantis speak because I'm surprised you have he's constantly on the news giving speeches you can avoid it if you want apparently I have no because I read the new I I gave up on cable news here let me be let me be Carrie Grant thank you to your uh Grace Kelly um thank you you're welcome a pleasure to light a cigarette for a woman thank you I remember one night another woman I'm a girl I remember when that used to be such a Suave thing to do when I was a gay blade in the 80s like in bars you know picking up on women you know lighting their cigarette was like something we saw Humphrey Bogart do and it looked cool and you know if you were quick with a quick with a joke or to light up your smoke as Billy Joel put it I mean that was kind of a a cool thing no but I don't think I've ever seen DeSantis and I hear all the time from other people and I'm I don't doubted that he is has no personality it's a terrible that he's very dull and boring which I first of all in a politician I find that fantastic I don't want personality well you know he yes but what he says he's not boring he himself sometimes just totally without Charisma well he's right down looking he's very waxing looking you know it his hair is he I mean he's just a very like waxing looking figure right you know right back to Trump well I mean that's what would be running against I mean compared to Trump he doesn't have a giant ass he has hair you know he's got uh I mean compared to Trump he has policies which Trump doesn't have and the policies are really horrible well he does a lot of performative art yes some of it is is a reaction to policies that were insane to begin with like the don't say gay bill first of all it doesn't say that and it doesn't say don't say gay um parents were not look he does a lot of stupid things I agree he campaigned for election deniers that's a big red flag with me but parents were not unreasonably concerned that schools had become a place where kids were being exposed to ideas about gender and race that were completely inappropriate for someone three years old you're making my case for me they may have been however I don't think I think he does these things to distract from his real policies which are let's stop Social Security cut Medicare you know those are the real things look and especially in Florida 90 of the people already on Social Security right you're saying he's for maybe maybe the party is he is too I mean he is too I mean I'm less worried about him than other people are because because he has these very you know very clear policies and they're not the policies of most people I'm not talking about you know don't say gay or whatever you know he's virulently anti-abortion I don't know what more they could do you know and there's not enough guns you know there's too much abortion there's too much uh he's not really for birth control um you know these things are not popular even among Republicans right you know no he does again I don't know whether he's playing the part of the Republican [ __ ] which you have to to get the base he's never going to get from space no one is Trump has that base I you know he's not really that base As Long As Trump is alive this is just a dream of people that Trump's gonna die this has to do with the fact that he's fat and everyone I know says he's going to die he's Big Macs and I always say you know people we know think the worst thing you can do is eat a hamburger but I don't do this for you he has never smoked a cigarette in his life right he's never had any drug he's never had a sip of alcohol you know the Big Macs apparently not that dangerous he looks horrible you're you're not taking into account so many variables you don't know what his his genetics are probably just luckily very good that's right but Big Macs are horrible for you and I'm sure they are but he's still alive everyone else okay but that's one person that's anecdotal that's the person we're talking about I know but it's not a scientific study no no I'm not saying Max I'm saying they're not going to kill him the people talk about it in the hopeful he's gonna die he's a big Max okay he's already lived past what you would think you would die from Big Mouth I'm just saying medical science is nowhere near the point we will someday probably be there where they can actually tell you you know what uh if you put food and I'm talking about bad food next to cigarettes and drugs and alcohol let's say those four categories uh I can actually tell you which is the worst and I I would not bet ten dollars on which one it'll be and it could be the food because the food is what everybody does and what most people it's what you run your body on of course we know alcohol cigarettes drugs depending on the drug but food is the one that slips by because people just in their mind they don't think of it as poison but most of what they eat is poison it's true and the kind of people that we know don't eat this stuff you know on the other hand do some of them die anyway so what do you mean the kind of people you know I don't know people eat this stuff okay well you know and what do they bring in you're at I see you every year I have for many years at the uh Vanity Fair Oscar party not lately you haven't no I really do you not go oh okay Bad Blood no I stopped working by an affair right so I know like five years ago so I don't have to go anymore oh you went on because you had to I thought yeah I used to complain to it and he used to say to me I asked you to do one thing right all year and you know what he was right so I did it but you know I don't have to go anymore you liked it sometimes I liked it you know after a certain number of years you like parties you like I like parties yeah you're yes I do if you didn't you probably would sit home and do what you should do is right because you're a great writer but let's not go you know I just realized is this on already of course I really did not realize it everybody says that I love that yeah well the cameras are built into the walls I did it purposely like this so that we could just feel like we are as we are and we are as we are as you were as we have always been but the uh the Oscar party what do they bring in at like midnight you don't remember yeah there's In and Out Burgers which I've never had one what I never had one okay and also some kind of donuts that especially People Like Us yes and all you look around the room and every a-lister in Hollywood is stuffing their face yes but you also have to get out not a single one of them has eaten the thing for three months no one has had a thing to eat not a lettuce leaf for three months you're right I always am amazed that you know it's the night when of course the tens come out people who are 10 in their normal life and somehow on that night they've managed to find a way to turn it up to 11. like Margot Robbie's always a 10 but I promise you next month she'll be in 11. they whether it's colonics or [ __ ] skin abrasion or they oil themselves they tan themselves they plump themselves whatever it is tens are now eleven sixes or seven sevens or eight but also Margaret Robbie really is quite young so you know I mean you know some of them that Oscar weekend lots of times at the 5 000 parties that preceded the Oscar party right I would be sitting there I would say to someone oh there's so much she looks fantastic and someone go friend that's her daughter yeah no I know a funny one year during the Masters I was in Australia and it was very delightful Margot Robbie Havert was um a nominated for an Academy Award that year was about five years ago and so someone when I came back to someone said was it the Usher's big deal in Australia I said only Margot Robbie they never mentioned it except like he would turn on the news and they would show you this is where she went to Junior High School this was her bicycle this was they were only interested in her But but so many of our actors were Australian she's hardly the only only one no have you ever been there no too far exactly so I had to go there yes really and for months before I went I was incredibly worried because the flight is like you know the first flight now first you fly to LA and then you fly to I was going to Melbourne first it's like officially that flight is 19 hours oh and it was 25 by the time we landed um and my concern was the last time I didn't smoke for 25 hours I was 11. so I was like incredibly worried about this and I kept asking people about it did you ever do this do you smoke how could you possibly do this what did you do um I was really really worried about it and it was even worse than I thought and I really felt that my greatest accomplishment life is I didn't get arrested on the flight that I didn't kill anyone I was so tense it was horrible and I thought I was sitting quietly just reading my book and just pretending that I wasn't not smoking and during the course of this flight three different strangers came up to me and said you really ought to have a drink that's how apparently I was radiating this tension it was horrible or maybe they just wanted to meet you they wanted me they didn't need me because I was so tense but did you I I didn't joke I didn't get Russian did you ever think when you got off the plane hey you know I made it 25 hours maybe I I did not think that you did not I absolutely it's not an inspiration when I finally got out of the airport like my nine hours later after you landed I the the the driver met me I kept looking for light are we ever getting out of here and he took my backs and I lit a cigarette and he turned around he said you can't smoke here I said call the cops the no smoking's over he said you can't smoke here you have to smoke there I said fine when I finish this I'm gonna go over there and smoke there no I never give it a single thought oh I remember how pissed off you were at the Met game when it was really far I mean it was we were outside it's a ballpark and they made they made you walk all around thousands of miles away like South to the other side of the stadium yes thousands of miles away right as people are eating hot dogs and the Jets are flying overhead right and people are drinking beer you know by the gallon right you know well one hand beer one hand ice cream I think like it's an absolute regime I mean you can't smoke in any well I I didn't I've only been I think to two different ballparks you can't smoke in any of them no you can't I mean you should smoke in movie theaters you should be able to smoke complaints of course they used to give you the cigarettes in first class they would give you these little promotional packs have you tried these cigarettes I used to purposely seek the back of the plane not just because the smoking was there because I thought the chicks who smoke on a plane the ones I want to pick up but I remember when there were no smoking sections on planes you could just smoke wherever you were sitters and then when there was a smoking section you could be in the row right next to it right which was hysterical right yeah I mean right next to it or right across one and I was once on a plane or getting I was on the ground in New York going to La and a guy got on the plane and he didn't fit into the first class seat which then used to be very big they're not that big now um hidden fit in the first class seat so they moved him to Across the aisle from me where there was and they had to come on the plane and take whatever dividers are out and then give them this big seat belt and he sat down we took we took off and the no smoking sign went off and I lit a cigarette I was in the smoking row and he said you can't smoke here I said this is smoking wrong but there was a rule if they had to put a no smoking person in the smoking role it became no smoking so the flight attendant he qualified in over and he said I'm entitled to my no smoking sheet I said yes your no smoking seat not your no smoking seats I'm not entitled to two seats if you don't pay for two seats oh man and the guy was going really yelling at the flight attendant and she was practically crying she said what can I do I said obviously if the man is a health not he weighs 800 pounds and he's worried about this little stream of cigarette smoke that's next to him well you you've just described a battle between the smokers and the fatties and in today's world and there's at least in this country one is a completely protected species how dare you make fun of I wasn't making fun of it no I'm just well I mean I was making fun of him I was just simply no I understand that you can't even point out yes this is the what you're doing there getting a cigarette out that is the ultimate Evil but anything else but you know and there's also I don't want to get on my high horse about that there's also the idea that marijuana smoke is okay but marijuana smoke is okay it's better than okay fantastic I'm saying it's smoke so if you correct no I'm not a second answer I agree it's smoke also what comes off a barbecue is smoke you're right you know it's smoke yes so I mean but we don't do it all day some of us do not I you're right it's become a place where the streets weak of wheat there's no neighborhood you can be in I have a friend who lives on the second floor um she has to keep her windows closed because there's so much marijuana smoke on the indoor apartment it's it's not even I don't think it's even legal yet Newark yes it is oh it is absolutely and you can sell it I think well she's not calling the police she's just like she lives on the Upper East Side look I look my mother smoked almost to the end and in her when her Widow years when she wasn't that happy anyway she didn't like being a widow um but she's still a smoker and it was that error when people really started to turn against cigarettes and they decided that this is the one evil and society that we could extirpate and you know people go out on the sidewalk and and so all her life she'd lived smoked and said okay we get it we don't you know people sure don't want to be around a second don't be such [ __ ] about it I used to be very protective of her in those years I always wanted to say to people she was in World War II shut the [ __ ] up you know what and the depression and yeah but I mean like smoke is not the worst thing she's seen or you but I was once um way before covid before restaurants in the street but just when there were some restaurants had seats outside in the warm weather so I yeah at a certain point you could smoke on those seats and then you couldn't and I was outside the restaurant outside the seats standing smoking cigarette there's like a little like a railing and right at the edge is a young Italian couple a man and a woman uh having dinner the man lights a cigarette the waiter comes over and goes you can't smoke here he goes I'm outside he said you can't smoke here so the guy looks at me I said I can't smoke here it's a law he said it's stupid I said it's stupid but you can't smoke here he said you're smoking I said but I'm here So you you're sitting down I'm standing up I'm actually having dinner inside so I'm standing here so he comes around and while he comes around he picks up his wine glass and he takes a sip he's talking to his girlfriend the waiter comes over and he goes you can't drink here the rules here you can't smoke here and you you can't smoke there you can't drink here I said I realize we're talking about four inches and I realize it's all outside and the no sane person cares but they're afraid of getting a fine so maybe this maybe this makes people understand why some of us who called out a lot of the uh nonsense with how we handled covid were so skeptical because we've done stupid Health theater for a long time it's not new we've handled almost every Health crisis badly not all of them um and you know I found it just arrogant to have such a bad record in the past with health matters and just tell me just do what we say when have we ever been wrong and then it's like oh okay uh we're washing the mail and they told us you know like we're any kind of mask they're all good just some bandana put a diaper on your head doesn't matter everything's fine and I remember um don't touch your face was about a big hit song for about a year don't touch your face I'm not upon which covet rules you were opposed to they all turned out to be stupid not all which ones it was not on the mail no oh no that item they just found they just did a study the masks unless they were n95 and maybe not even them useless um you know I I stopped wearing a mask and you don't have to wear it anymore but but that's just but I the vaccines good I'm glad there were vaccines yes I'm glad there were vaccines I don't don't plea you know what it's if that's your choice great uh there are some vaccines I would love to have and might need and would fight you for but if I don't but I should be able to make my own medical decisions you are not a nurse okay you're not in the hospital you know I think it depends who you are you know uh right well you're saying they would have to get the best yes well I mean okay but here's something stupid we did that other countries didn't do countries I think you would respect by the way countries you're going to I'm going to do your plugs what a great segue but like Europe much more recognized natural immunity if you're a nurse and you had it naturally at the beginning which a lot of nurses did then it was stupid and pointless and probably uh unhelpful to make them take the vaccine after they already have the natural immunity we didn't used to do that with other stuff but anyway Europe I want to Fran first of all I got to tell you I'm so happy for you that you are finally getting the props you deserve as far as like a touring act you know like you're a hot commodity all around the country and in Europe oh this is mine okay like I'm looking at your [ __ ] schedule you're everywhere you're like [ __ ] poison in the 80s the band nothing I know what you meant Wayne New Jersey she's February 22nd and then March 3rd in Pittsburgh and Marietta Ohio March 5th March 6 Columbus Ohio Montez Boca Raton Florida and the ninth we're in Boston and you know Red Bank New Jersey on the 30th this is like I don't tour like this I mean that we don't have to [ __ ] kill me you don't have to well it's great and then and then [ __ ] Europe you're going to Europe I did last year too I did uh I don't remember you must be an even more popular in Europe what happened Netflix Netflix oh that's special yeah of course no it's I mean I understand and your boy of course I Z on HBO yeah but that didn't have this effect you know I mean uh I've always done this I've done some 27 I always did the United States and Canada right but after Netflix right which is unbeknownst to me since I've never seen it in 192 countries right yes much more of a foreign certainly there must be people all around the world sophisticated people and let's face it lots of places are a lot more sophisticated in America we're a young country we're a teenage country you can't hate us completely for that although I'm always trying to stop myself but um they must see you and think oh there's a sophisticated American we found one well I was in the UK last year I did a number of days Sarah and it was right after the Supreme Court over from Roe v Wade and night after night I take questions from the audience the first thing would be why'd you ever turn Roe v Wade I kept saying I did not turn around here I am not on the Supreme Court you cannot blame me you never blame him and then luckily for me Boris Johnson how it had that divorce Johnson Scandal happened while I was there and so someone would go rovey wait I go Boris Johnson and that was like what's which Scandal he had something he had to resign he would he was oh yeah what did he do he went to a party that uh well he had done many things um but there was a scandal in his administration um and he defended the person who perpetrated Scandal and and it was like absolutely like lies I mean it wasn't like it was an iffy situation so what what European capitals when you're on the continent can we look forward to seeing last year I did Paris Athens Athens Copenhagen twice and I'm going again to Hope Copenhagen and I I said to my agent I I was already twice in Copenhagen it's Copenhagen into the rightful city is the size of this room I said haven't I run that place dry yet really yeah so I'm going to get into Copenhagen Oslo um see those I understand because when I toured Europe once and and yeah you can for an American comedian you got to go to the cities where they speak perfect English but I wouldn't try Paris there's no shitty where people don't speak better English than native or an American even in Paris yes wow I mean it not everybody speaks English you know um and in those cities uh that were in non-ening speaking countries um the person who interviews me on the stage stays on the stage because here they leave um in case someone thinks they don't they don't speak English but they do because I like all Americans in monolingual except unlike most Americans I speak English so but that right mostly people wouldn't come to see me if they didn't speak English so of course they wouldn't but I'm just saying to play Paris and places like Athens places that are not on that typical circuit where they speak like almost better you know that you barely an accent Germany the Nordic countries of course England but um the hardest people for me to understand in the UK yeah like I I remember right Edinburgh I like I was mystified I kept saying and I don't want to insult people so I keep saying I can't hear you and I'm thinking she's deaf but I really couldn't understand you know I thought how did you retain this extremely strong Regional action that no one can understand you know like when I was in London I said it's very hard for me to understand the people in Edinburgh no one can understand them now I can't stand those British movies where it's just what you're talking about like what the [ __ ] are you saying I you know what are you talking about you know like three smoking guns right there's some there's I can't remember but there's like the British gangster movies and they're and they're they're Cockney accent is so thick I guess because they're gangsters but that's disappeared mostly I mean no it's just annoying I mean I find the British accent it can be lovely in lilting and it can be [ __ ] grating and annoying this is true of everything Bill surely you've noticed that this is not confined to the British accent no but I feel like that's the Paramount example anyway I will be at the uh oh I'm changing hotels this is uh very I'm very very clemmed I was at the Mirage for like seven years it was fantastic they were great and they have a they're owned by the MGM Grand folks and now they're removing the operation over there uh the M the David Copperfield theater but uh folks let me make it clear I will not be doing magic magic with words of course uh February 17th and 18th the Hard Rock Live in Wheatland California I think that's Sacramento it is February 25th the showroom in Bally's Lake Tahoe March 11th the Golden Gate Theater in San Francisco I've been there in a while I can't wait for that one March 12th um yeah isn't it great that I first of all I would never predicted 10 years ago if you said to me podcasting would be a thing it's basically AM radio which was like the the like most um least hip thing it was AM radio but this is basically that it's people talk I would never have guessed it became so big but the fact that you know I can sit here and smoke you can smoke we can just do things without all the pertinances that I grew up with when you did The Tonight Show you know you're wearing a suit and a tie and the Batman you're sweating like a pig behind the curtain and it's all very stylized and ritualized and you know compartmentalized and we just it's one good I mean yes the country is falling apart but one good thing is as they take down the barriers of formality it is a pleasure just to do like here I'm doing these dates and I don't have to like pretend and we'll be back in a minute after a word from Del Monte it's just it's I've always wanted to get whatever we're doing as close to real life as possible and TV was always a bit of a barrier it still is a bit of a barrier yeah it's much different than it was though I mean except for your show I mean which I'm not sure this is still true uh but when I started doing television in the late 70s in The Green Room there was always a bar and everybody would be drinking um and then that completely stopped and I remember once I was in New York doing I think the Conan O'Brien show and the kids like in charge of me uh Alan King was doing the show Alan King and the kid didn't know who Alan King was but he came in and he said um there's this guy here Alan King do you know who he is I said yes he's a comedian he said he asked for Scotch I said yes he said we don't have alcohol oh my God so I said you don't he said no do you have any I said I don't drink I didn't ask for it I don't care he said well what should I do I should get him a scotch he said I don't know where to get it this is a Rockefeller Center I said go outside there's probably a liquor store within six you know feet of the place again with Scotch he said do you think he should drink before he goes to television I said are you his mother um but your show you still have the bar right I hope so I'm gonna check on I'm glad you reminded me but again not to beat a dead horse with the conversation we were having but when when people act like this don't you blame a little more the type of person that you would call left-leaning that would raise a kid who is like this undisciplined and this entitled it's it's a disease on both sides but I'm just saying when I picture the family that this little [ __ ] comes who doesn't know who Alan okay I'll forgive him for that I'm from Alan King although kids have a terrible attitude about the past which is if I wasn't alive for it it doesn't matter no I don't know about it like lots of times I'll say I'll say something and they'll look at me blankly and I'll say uh I'll say in fact I don't know his name but many years ago like I don't know when it was like eight years ago maybe oh let's see thank you I was at a dinner in San Francisco and I was sitting across from the guy who started Uber I think yeah Travis kalanick yes they made a show about it this was not a match made in heaven um and I can see why I'm talking to him and I was really astounded by him I have to say like the like how could you not know anything about anything right um and so at a certain point some people I'm not the kind of person who like you know mixes around at a party I sit down that's where I am so people started walking around and people would come over and talk to me and um uh he would be sitting there and and now I can't think of his name what was the name of the uh the Gennaro character and Taxi Driver Travis pickle so I kept saying do you know Travis Bickel and he was in finally he said to me why do you keep calling me Travis Bickle my name is travix whatever it is yeah so I said I said didn't you ever see taxi driver so he said that's your movie right I said yeah that's a movie he said no I never saw it I said you never saw it's a great movie you should see it he said well when was it made I said I don't know in the early 70s he said I wasn't even born then that's right I said guess what that's right that's important during the Civil War but I heard of it right and also that was perfect his name was Travis yeah I've heard that same thing from kids about something like a movie which is okay history I understand you didn't want to go to class but a movie it's not an indictment first of all just you don't have to be so defensive I wasn't born yeah that's why they put them on cellulose so we get all and I love watching well actually lately I've been watching some movies I won't name them because I don't want to insult anybody like but from the 80s 90s and some of them really do not hold up that we just love everybody in America I want I wish I could mention but that would insult the director but like movies that we just the whole country thought this is the [ __ ] and then you watch it again and you're like wow things were just different this this art form is not as advanced and you could get away with contrivances that you just the audience would not put up with today that's true but I mean that's true of everything I mean yeah you know like I looked a lot better in the 80s too you know a lot you know like a lot better than I'm sure the movie looks from uh from the 80s it's not just movies that don't hold up very few things hold up yeah but you and I we kind of like have just like we kind of Larry David there's a few of us who like yes of course we get older but we kind of never looked really young so we we kind of just have a brand well I always say you know I'm old at heart you know you know and I've always been old at heart and when my first book came out I was 27 and lots of the reviews said I don't understand what do we have here a young curmudgeon and I thought yes but I'm just practicing for when I'm old right but but to look at you I like it's just like it's sort of like a I don't know I don't see any difference you because you kind of like always like had that certain look and you you can't see any more bill that is the the this is the Brilliance of nature just when we start to look a certain way we can't see anymore uh you know and it's like I said to someone recently someone my age I was at a party or something everyone keeps telling everyone how great they look and I finally said you know when we really did look great we never told each other right now we just mean you're alive you don't look horrible right you're you know sometimes I'll think what the hell happened to him because a friend of mine you think only you get old you know now if you don't see someone for six months forget it you know they're in some other planet of disintegration that you missed the decline and you know but I mean living in New York oh first of all you're thinking about the smoking on the sidewalk it's not even the smoking just eating on the street is so gross well this is our present mayor who is horrible um is horrible he's our Eric Adams horrible I didn't vote for him I I voted for the Socialist kind of date I'm obviously I'm not a socialist I don't remember her name I wouldn't recognize her in a crowd of one but I do not I did not want to be one billions responsible for Eric Adams not a billionth responsible what is so hard about Erica Adams um he is a crook a crook well let's put it this way you may or may not notice you don't live in New York I don't but seven times a day he changes his clothes he wears why does it make him a crook um he has his clothes made uh the mayor doesn't make enough money to buy those clothes I'd like to know where he's been a public service his whole life okay he's been opposed for his whole life that's he shouldn't be able to buy those clothes I find that to be Preposterous first of all public servants sometimes make a very nice salary uh not if you live in New York he doesn't I mean now he lives in Gracie Mansion but he doesn't well he's in Brooklyn Brooklyn's pretty expensive okay but if you live there which he doesn't I'm not I wouldn't be surprised and he was something of a celebrity in town I mean to run for mayor he had to he was the Borough president or something he's about President okay but you hear he won the same reason Trump won here's what happens when you you know the parties control the primaries and stuff the party should not allow there to be 20 candidates in the primary because if there's 20 candidates the loudmouth always wins that's how Trump won there were 20 candidates in that yes trumpy he's very trouble let's get back to he's a criminal because he's got seven nice suits hundred suits he sees Denzel in Training Day and he's gonna stick up Scott Glenn and take the money under the floorboards that's where the money came from I don't know where the money came from they might have given the clothes where you're not allowed to do you cannot take these things if you're the mayor of all the problems in the world this is what obsesses you you don't think that this because I mentioned something doesn't mean obsessed by it okay he's giving you an example I thought you would understand the clothes are an example of of the money I I don't like it all right I don't like it you can't just say that yes I did say that okay I didn't vote for him I don't like him and the restaurants in the streets um which were supposed to come down when you didn't have to eat in the street um he announced they're permanent my thinking is permanent you know it's not permanent you nothing's permanent um so the restaurants are on the street I object to this now when you had to eat outside fine this uh this is a takeover uh of private ownership of public property that aren't on the streets they put the restaurants in the streets they're restaurants that have a hundred seats outside you know without paying for the space which in New York that's what you're paying for all the time but also he keeps announcing like we didn't know there is an unusually high rap problem in New York yeah I mean there's always rats but now they're a guy who volunteered to be as rats are yeah if there's someone who's now no yes he volunteered to be a volunteer but he didn't get the gig the gig is was given to this woman whose last name is Tish she's married I guess to one of the teachers or a big real estate family in New York yeah yeah sure so they have uh and there's like we don't know why there's all these rats and I thought really I mean my belief is that the Russian New York are calling rats all over the country saying you can't believe what's going on here they bring you the food they tell you the specials I mean there's restaurants in the street that's why there's rust but see that's I you know that's why I never really warmed up to New York I mean I I have a certain love for it because it's where I grew up near and then lived twice and many friends and the sensibility of New York the New York media Market the sports teams the TV stations the newspaper that was in our house all that stuff but actually living there I thought sucked I mean just the living in a building um maybe insects in it you know no maybe [Applause] laughs well here's the thing you don't have to live in New York you can live where you want you know I like to live in New York I love New York I know you know and uh I a couple times I've rented houses in the country because of construction in my apartment or whatever and I was always terrified I was completely terrified living in the country and people would say that you live in this lovely you know I once rented a little cottage on a farm outside of Princeton New Jersey I was in a total panics the whole time every night and people say why I would say here's the really bad thing about living on a farm they're no door men you know one thing I like it's doorman you know I don't like a doorman see I don't want anyone she don't want them to know about you I understand that well right I don't want everything there's no question they do right and also I don't want to be obligated to say hello to somebody all day I just don't want to I don't want to like I make little Chit Chat and like see people in the elevator also you're in a building I man how nice the apartment is I'm aware that right on the other side of this wall there are other people they're like two feet away I like that oh I like that because I'm afraid well then you don't live there no I know that's why like when I think of eating on the sidewalk even though it's done in other cities I think of it as a New York thing because I think it's gross it's sweaty you know that picture of the hot day I've done it in New York it's like you know you're pouring sweat and the it stinks are in the air because it's summer and everything's outside and garbage in cars exhaust going by and you're never eating I never ate outside until covet you know I would always say like but before covet you people only outside in the warm weather you know I never I decided would see why would I want to use side New York's disgusting I never did you know during covet I did because you couldn't eat inside you know and so I would I had outside during covet literally in snowstorms I would like look in my closet before I went there thinking what's the best coat to eat dinner in and it turns out there's not a good code to Erin but I was very happy not to be in my apartment eating because there is no worse food in New York than the food in my apartment so I was very happy to do that but I don't like to eat outside I don't care if other people want to were you eating out when before cover did you eat out every night I would say I would say it out like maybe four or five nights a week so that's yeah yeah that's uh and always in nice restaurants I'm sure well to me any restaurant is nicer than my apartment right um yeah pretty nice yeah but I mean you always had a very Vivid social life the best kind of people always wanted you there I mean that's why like when I saw you or would see you at the Vanity Fair party or something I would be like oh what a great gig the person who you know the cool people want around them you know maybe to like just they would like rub off like I think I think a lot of celebrities want to have you rub off on them a little bit like they don't really appreciate I don't think as much as I would like to think I do but they just know they don't know why you're great they just know you're the cool people say someone told them someone told them and of course Daisy loves you it's just some there's something going on there and I gotta get a little near it you know Marty uh would is you know a lot of people were famous say they hate being recognized but it's not true but Marty really hates being recognized and really that is why Marty lives in a house in New York you know instead of an apartment because he doesn't want to be in the elevated with people he doesn't want to talk to the door man so he lives in a house and he avoids that you know how do you live in a house in New York there's houses in New York oh you found houses townhouses yeah like yeah stay close to a zillion dollars yeah well did you well there's no doorman I mean that their HBO had a show about a year ago but like the Gilded Age or something it was about 19th century New York and boy could you have a ball or spread back then I mean you could have like the whole block I mean well I mean the Morgan library was a house right stuff like that the frick was a house right yes um uh was it my house um but it was a house uh so there are I doubt their house is that big anymore in New York um but during the period of the Russians being allowed to be in New York um they bought like they would buy two or three houses and put them together you know Russian yeah the Russian sillionaires billionaires oh and they are not allowed anymore no what how can you borrow a certain you can't bar well they call the oligarchs you know they were the criminals right if they're specifically guilty of a crime there's not a clean penny in Russia oh I know okay and every penny comes from food so no uh I'm I'm prejudiced against Russians and I don't care who knows it um I don't it's not Prejudice no it's exactly it's it's and the people are good people but communism made them cynical that that the legacy of Communism has not really been written uh fully until somebody gets on to that some the type of person who writes books which is certainly not me the psychological damage of living under a system where you know you can't get ahead you know the old joke they pretend to pay us we pretend to work that Legacy is what makes Russians so well they're you know you wouldn't want to [ __ ] with the Russian mob or you just there's a viciousness there and a a CR and a um ruthlessness that I think comes from having that kind of cynicism beaten into you start before that Russia yes it did Russia has had yes the worst form of every kind of government they had the worst monarchy zarus Russia made the court of the 16th look like a Rotary meeting okay they had the worst monarchy they had the worst communism they had the worst capitalism and that is because Russia is too big it is too big the only way to govern a place that big is with brutality you know and so and all they try to do is make it bigger and bigger the whole history of Russia is trying to make it bigger and so I see to people look if you have two children you could be a nice parent if you have 12 children you have to be brutal there's no way to deal with 12 children and that's what Russia does and and that's why the Russians are that way and it started way before communism that's true I mean that's and that's a very interesting theory about and you're right that's they do always it's too big get big and get bigger Soviet Union was just the a super-sized version of Russia yeah I was actually I happened to be in Stockholm the day that uh Russia invaded Ukraine and the people in Stockholm were hysterical and they kept saying to me Russia's right here do you know where it is I said I know where it is it's right here yes aren't you worried I said you mean for my personal safety yes no why he's not going to invade Sweden that's why I'm not worried he's going to invade Sweden um but they were really concerned um I now perhaps the concern is gone I don't think he's going to invade Sweden but I didn't think he was going to invade Ukraine I did you did yes from the good no not from not before anyone knew but I mean I wasn't shocked I mean I hate to say this um but and I wouldn't say I don't it's not Obama's fault but Obama did not respond when he invented when he went to Crimea you can't do that you have to respond you have to respond in some way am I saying we should have sent troops but you can't just say oh well I take your point and I kind of agree but I don't know what you I'm sure there were sanctions and short of you know nothing almost nothing you know and and you know one thing about obviously about that yeah one thing to me about you know you may not know this is but Bill Clinton was the first President we ever had that didn't serve in the military yeah I remember and yeah thank you yeah welcome and I think it caused uh them the now it's like no one notices but uh Clinton was the first one and I think it may not remember this but uh there was a bombing uh of the of an American naval ship yeah before 911 right you can't a bombing of an American naval ship is like a bombing of the United States you can't not respond you have to respond in some way I'm glad to hear you sound so hawkish it's in hawkish it's sensible and I always thought Clinton didn't respond Clinton was afraid to use the military because he because he thought he'd be criticized because he didn't serve in the military you know the problem is that it's very easy to say we have to do something and then as soon as you take troops off the table okay everything else is yeah it can be effective but it's not really I mean you know Genghis Khan wouldn't have been like yeah sanctions first you know you know the thing people say well what should you do do you have a solution I would say I'm not the president if you weren't for the presidency this has to be a thing you think about this has to be a thing that you believe you would have some way of dealing with that's part of the job you know the president isn't just they get that works well playing but so what would a what should Obama you say you don't want Obama to have sent troops to Crimea then what I'm not a dump truck but I could have an opinion on the highway Bill you're gonna have opinion but it's meaningless you know people put too much people put now too much faith in opinions okay there is certainly something he could have done he really there was no response I mean there was no apparentness and you talk like there's this it's a mysterious subject the things we could do to respond I said him but it's not a mystery what these things are you can send troops you could bomb from the sky without sending troops that's what we did in Kosovo right but look how long Serbia yes but look how long it took you to that it was way too late no I'm saying but that is an option I'm just saying the things it's not like we're going to invent a new thing that we could do yes but Casa was a very different thing economic sanctions bombing from the sky troops that's pretty much it yes but these these things are not all the same Cosmo is not the same as well I'm just saying those are the options so Obama in 2014 when Putin invaded Crimea could have a sent troops no we agree not that b bomb them I don't think we want that or see economic sanctions which I think he did no he didn't none no it was just the ones enjoy your day real economic sanctions until at Ukraine are you Shirley I'm I'm positive no bro I mean first of all before that New York was packed with this filthy Russian money all right not now everywhere is that you know you know what they call because no not they call them because they were taking the stuff they were in other words the United States government you know was taking the steps in taking this apartment taking these boats these planes they're well now basically in Saudi Arabia that's where they went right you know or the other Gulf States they're more than welcome there London grad yeah London is really in London in that section with them yes it's like well the second biggest property owner in London next to the royal family is Saudi Arabia right that's their problem they have enough problems if you ask me but that's one of their problems you know they allowed it but of course I've met individual Russian people who were lovely but they weren't Russian oligarchs all right oh no my grandfather was Russian he was a lovely Manhattan none of them were putting a short order cook none of them were wearing a tracksuit yeah no that's true that's how I judge is that wrong no completely correct right because they're white people so we can make jokes uh I hadn't thought of it that way but yeah um so um oh God what was I gonna ask you oh we were talking about the movies you don't go to the Vanity Fair party anymore this this is like now award season this is when I feel like I used to bump shoulders with you yes I used to see it many Gatherings right and you you know for many years way before uh I kept saying they shouldn't have the Academy Awards anymore it's too old-fashioned and I just think I'm old it seems old-fashioned to me how efficient could it be you know and then right last year when uh Will Smith hit Chris Rock right I thought here's your chance right you know what we're done thank you very much good night no there's a billion people who watch it haven't you heard no they're not well every year fewer people watching right but every year they say how can we get more people to watch it I know but now maybe people watch it this year to see if anyone hits anyone but other than that but that's not how Bean counters think they don't think like oh gosh so many fewer people are watching it and maybe we're too woke and they're thinking it still is a bigger audience than we get for almost anything else all year so we could probably sell some [ __ ] Jurgens lotion right I I I don't really know how many people watch the Academy Awards but I know but they do where they can measure it do we have Nielsen but every year they say this is the number of people that watch it unwatchable it's far fewer than the layer before it's fantastic if you're born if they want people to watch it they should put in the Super Bowl because I just read that 208 million people watched Super Bowl last year there are only 300 300 million people in the country so that's obviously the thing everyone watches except me I I don't think it was that high 200 million 208 million it said in the times the other day 280 million people watched Super Bowl last year and just in America yes all the people only watch American football in America you know they don't have in other places Canada they do they're interesting and their football teams play in London now yeah but it's still not a big it's not as big no it's not even close no is soccer is much bigger there no but I thought like why don't they put the Academy Awards in the Super Bowl when Everyone's Watching like in the middle of the house like after they have the singer or whatever then they can have this Academy Awards and then it could be over well so have you seen any of the movies that are like up for the big none of them you didn't see banshees no no I can't pronounce it [Laughter] and when I saw you know I saw the guy win some other award I can't think what it was and I could hardly understand him oh some Irish actor oh I like them both Colin Farrell I like them but Brendan Gleason yeah they're both great actors yeah I mean I had mixed feelings you know what I watched the other night and uh I watched It's a three-hour movie so I I watched the first half like Thursday night and I was like oh I can't stay up the whole thing I got the show tomorrow and so and I and I split up movies anyway but I thought the first half of Babylon was fantastic and I told everybody and then I got home anyway second half and it's it's I still liked it and I thought he kind of stuck The Landing um but I like almost all movies I it's just so would have been well serviced by cutting out a half hour and this is true of everything in life everything but specially in art and especially in movies but the way I feel is like if something seems I don't care how long it is if as soon as it seems along to me I'm done if that could be 10 minutes in so you you don't do streaming at all no you need a Wi-Fi connection why don't you get that because then you have to put another phone line in and you have to be there I I don't care you don't have to I don't care it's not that I'm against it you know all this I just don't care I don't care okay I'm just gonna if I'm home I read I don't care if there's something I really want to say everyone I know has it I can go see it there oh my God I just I just don't care enough about it right I mean I I don't understand why it bothers other people so much that I don't have it I don't it doesn't bother me but but I I think because we love you and we want you to see the well to to think that there's something if there if this if we know something that we think could make you happy we want you to be happy with it but like you're right there's it's not completely necessary streaming and I must say I proposed of the conversation we're just having the problem I have with streaming is that they make everything into a series and I'm always watching this [ __ ] going you know this would be good if you just smerged it down into one decent two-hour movie instead of 14 hours which I don't have and you're not worth you're not worth 14 hours you're worth two well they call it streaming but they used to call it show Peppers so it's the thing that's continuing like that I never watch you know because I just don't care even if I might watch the first few and then I just like I'm sorry I'm done but you are the definition of the cliche voracious reader I mean people like never like I'm not going to run out of books I feel like if we put a penny in a jar for every time someone in America read during the day and another penny in another jar every time you were reading in the day yes well if you actually got paid for reading books I would be fine I know but you don't get paid for reading books right and then your eyes don't get tired I I actually did horrible uh problems with my eyesight um and I just had like these operations not cosmetic um right and it took um no no no and it took um I don't know months to get the right eyeglasses for reading and it was like I finally got them and now I'm happy again oh good with the eyeglasses for real and what would you do if you couldn't see well enough to read would you do go Braille you know that is the one thing that I think I could not bear I would find it embarrassing right you know I mean uh not not to um bring to a sad subject but suicide is something the only time I've ever thought of it is if a doctor once said I might be losing my sight he was wrong but like that I thought like I can't do that I can't do it you know not that I'm you know a brave person otherwise right you know but I absolutely can't do it uh and I I couldn't do it so that would be really for me unbearable totally unbearable but one thing I do I don't want to strike an optimistic note I mean when people kill themselves and you ask why they say they were depressed I realized I've never been depressed I mean you know I've been sad obviously you know I've been gloomy um but I've never thought about killing myself right you know except when the eye doctor said you might be losing yourself I did but I realized when I look back I if I got laid once it was when I was 19 like around that time like right after high school I had I had one girlfriend in high school she dumped my ass I was like moping for a whole year and I was you know I was just not good with girls you know and I was very horny but not nearly a cathode in the [ __ ] beaker so I was just and I was at Cornell there was no girls I couldn't get them so I was like suicidal and I read all these books about suicide and all the quotes and like I treated it like it was some sort of philosophical question let's see should I kill myself next week it certainly is something that has occurred to a lot of great minds and I have read their thoughts on it and uh I'm weighing it and it was just like if one girl had showed me a little of attention it all would have gone out the way this is why 19 year olds shouldn't really be allowed to vote exactly I I was reading a letter that I wrote a friend I took on my Hawaii trip this year and he was a friend from college and for some reason I wound up with a letter that I had written him he must have given it to me years later because it was so funny and I read this letter I hadn't seen it in years and that exact thought crossed my mind 20 year olds cannot be allowed to vote I mean this if you saw this letter it is just so laugh out loud funny and they should be allowed to sign contracts and they shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions you know because I cannot think of a single decision I would have come to at the age of 19. that I'd want to be bound to now and that but this is really something that I must say applies not exclusively but overwhelmingly to American kids I think other children in other countries mature a lot faster are kids college is what high school used to be and not even that and they're still you know uh very dependent on their parents in many ways if not financially just psychologically you know a lot of my mom's my best friend gonna well that I mean that's a real change that happened you know in our young lifetime you know and I think it was because I know you're younger than I am but I can't remember how much younger you are it doesn't matter well it matters from the point of this conversation but to anybody 25 like if we're both over 40 we're in the same category the fact that you know like my five years difference between is meaningless to anyone like like someone said to me something about their son what's he doing what he doesn't know I said how old is he he said he's only 27 I said let me explain something to you by the time my father was 27 yeah he had fought and won World War II right he had gotten married started a business right and had a child he did not think he was a kid and he wasn't a kid and he had no doubts what gender he was yeah well that's a separate issue I mean my father would would not have them now you know but my father was the kind of a man who like would look at the scants like at a man who was like maybe wearing like a pink shirt so that's like I know exactly what you're talking about or my father would look when we were children like me and my sister when we were kids if we saw a man and a woman in a car and the woman was driving it was like Jarred our world because my father would never let my mother drive if he was in the car really never that's interesting because my grandmother who was way ahead of her time she was a single mother in the 20s my mother didn't know a father as soon as she was born he was gone and that was not the common thing and she told me my grandmother told me when she drove in the 20s the other men on the street would yell at her from the other cars yeah I'm sure that's true yeah and one of them could have been my father he he didn't care if women drove but why were they driving if a man was in the car oh I see like that's where it Advanced into the yeah because my mother took care of us but you're not talking I'm talking about the 20s what decade are we talking about where this was the 50s okay see there is progress who says America doesn't and America does progress by the way you know I know it doesn't look like it it's so easy to be the people who hate everything that happened before more than the next guy but the truth is that America looks very different than it ever did well there's a lot of things that are better now yeah you know I mean it you wouldn't know this but um it is a billion times better to be a girl now than when I was a girl right there you go that's the kind of thing I'm talking about there's no comparison right I mean there's not and it's not good it's not perfect but it's a billion times better no keep talking about it I mean there's just there's no there's no comparison you know I mean when I was right when I was a girl um if you asked to do something um and your parents said no and you say why the answer very frequently was because you're a girl yes and and the response was oh right I mean my response wasn't like to start you know right a feminist movement my response was oh right okay no and that was common that you know I just object to this thing Stephen Pinker I stole this from I installed I give him credit but I did a thing about it he called this uh Progressive phobia that there is something on the left that does not want to admit progress because somehow it equates with but we should be doing more yes of course we should always be doing more could we just be adults and just just just imagine that as we begin the conversation we've already agreed on that as we have we should always be doing more we are not perfect and we are not just enough it's there's a lot of more work to do a lot more and there's this other side of the story which should be celebrated I mean progressives it's right in your name that's what you should be celebrating progress I know we don't agree on this and I also didn't mention you just said you but I agree on that oh but this which I'm about to say I know last night I did a speaking date here in LA and I take questions feelings for one hour first question shouted at me why did Bill Maher say this and this and this which I didn't see you say because I didn't see the show um and he's becoming a conservative and why why is that happening I said first of all I'm not in charge of Omar okay like he does not consult me and what his opinions are but he supposedly I said instead of all as far as I know Bill Maher is not Democrat he's a Libertarian is that not true I don't subscribe to any of those names I've never formally said I was a Democrat except maybe once when Trump was in office and I was like okay we can't [ __ ] around anymore whoever the Democrat is and look I voted mostly for the Democrat um I would say more than libertarian The Joe Rogan I heard him talk about it and uh very appreciative he was saying you know old school liberal is really the right term but that's where I am I always say it is I'm a very conventional very different thing than woke and if you want to be ignorant and think being old school liberal is the equivalent of conservative you're naive about politics and you're just you're you're tribal which is our big problem no I'm not a conservative I'm always going to call it as I see it always have and it always and it always has been somewhat from both sides but yes the left is nuttier now than they used to be by a good measure and there's no right is much worse they are too I agree no not much worse and I and I used to be I know much worse and I don't fail to make that point so anyways that's the one who said no I know why did Bill Marshall and I'm so sorry that you have to answer for me it's so ridiculous it just happened that night sometimes in the street people's not mean why did Bill Maher says I don't know why don't you ask him why he said this if you can I would say to those people if you don't have an open mind don't watch the show because that's who I do it for really I could take it I have lost some audience and they're tribal people and it's fine you know it's like good riddance I'm not interested in people like that I'm interested in people especially the ones who are like you know what I am mostly in the liberal bubble it probably would be good to hear another point of view and again I do most of my material against the right but it doesn't matter they are in the tribal bubble of where I only want to hear what I already think I know and I don't want to have my side challenged because the other side is so bad the other side is so bad I still want to hear the whole truth I don't bad because it's not the truth if it was the truth I would oh you know but you know I said to someone recently I didn't used to hate Republicans I just disagreed with them there's a difference you know but the people who are Republicans now I mean professional Republicans they're nothing like Republicans used to be of course they're not and they're basically and neither are they woke and anything like Democrats but here's the thing and this woke stuff I mean like the reason that it bothers people so much I think is because there's a lot of silly stuff attached to it I agree some of it is just silly and silly stuff is actually effects it's not silly the center of it is real this no no I wouldn't call it the center the past of it when the when the word was first out there it meant alert to Injustice yes great no one can argue with that certainly not me certainly it's been a theme of mine since I was on television beginning in the 90s so okay it morphed into something that was an eye roll yes but not all of it not all of it I bet you know to me I don't really care about it a lot of it is silly I don't pay attention to silly okay but you know but it's something that's affecting lives it's silly that they're teaching children it'll be it'd be fine if it was silly and it was a cartoon in a magazine or something but it's not it's on a very granular level why why do you think parents uh are like why do you think just DeSantis got 60 of the vote in Florida he's in Florida what is not the world let me say something it's a it's not the world but you know what it is it is an absolutely great uh epitome of America because it's a little of everything it's ethnic it's Jews it's rednecks it's the Panhandle it's it's you you got it all in Florida it's the Confederacy it's not the Confederate okay it wasn't the Confederate South Beach is the Confederacy no South Beach okay is okay so that's where most of the votes are um not his votes yes they're the redneck Riviera is is not only the Confederacy it's the seat of the Confederates it is nothing more kid rocket I don't care what Kid Rock thinks he's a musician he's a great musician by the way he may be but I mean I I don't care one way or the other what he thinks you know he's not the governor no he doesn't make Applause you know uh he does visit the White House when Trump people are people including you just a few minutes ago um say things like New York is a bubble it's a bubble you have no idea what's going on York City you live in a bubble no you didn't I didn't oh I didn't no you didn't there are other people um the people who say New York is a bubble um you don't understand I always say almost 9 million people live in New York City every possible kind of person on the planet Earth lives in New York City there's no I take the subway and sometimes I look around the subway car and with a gun to my head I could not identify the race of most of the people in the subway car everyone's so mixed up everyone from everywhere isn't that great it's great but the the here to me is a solution which I the problem with what do you want to call the left or whatever is this idea that people have to love each other you know and truthfully most people like to be with people that are like them that's what average means okay so I don't care be with people that are like you I mean I'm not like that because I'm not average but you say you can be in a separate car in New York and I can look across and I can see sitting there is a young girl with a headscarf standing next to her is what normal Jews by which I mean atheists call the crazy Jews so standing next to her is a crazy Jew meaning like a Hassan you know if you they're like three inches apart if I could say to each of these people do you like this person tell the truth they would say no I hate this person however they ignore each other right they get off the train there's no Bloodshed you know that is the most you can hope for and that's what you mostly have in New York couldn't agree more and that is New York and that is America again progressophobia let's not have it I mean yes that's not true most of America P people you know don't care if the person like certainly more than Karachi you know I think it's a sad thing that we have to compare ourselves to Karachi well that's that's kind of insulting the Karachi but uh no it's like but it's like when that thing happened in Brazil and they said it's just like Brazil's okay January 6th all we have to compare ourselves to is other countries and other places in the world and compared to not just Karachi but almost all other places that doesn't happen where the three people are on the subway and it isn't a [ __ ] riot or or it just wouldn't happen and certainly you couldn't be an atheist in many countries that would be blasphemy and there's many places in this country where you can't be an atheist oh stop and where that many places Christopher Hitchens used to say his favorite place is to go tour was the South well this is when he was Mr atheist because the the atheists would come out of the woodwork you really think that you can't be an atheist in Alabama well you know I would always be happy when Christopher Richards was not in New York um so he could say these deliberately provocative things which he may or may not have believed um in order to attract attention to himself uh okay now Eric Adams I let past but you are I know men love Christopher Hitchens I I'm aware of that you know I love them as a male thing it's a totally Tarzan we love it because once a friend of Hitchin said to me um you know I understand we don't like pigeons and I said uh name one woman who's a friend of Christopher Chance and he said he has I said I'm not saying name one woman that sleptical instruments I know he's supposed to be very attractive to women I'm not talking about that a friend named one woman friend no one could name one more friend I find that very surprising Christopher Hitchens who's attracted to women yes to some women no I'm sure I okay so maybe this is a male thing it's like The Godfather do you like The Godfather you make a movie yeah yes okay because it's a movie but if you ask me if I would like to live next door to an actual Godfather no no one would like that no I would not I'm just saying men like genuine like The Godfather and women generally do not is that true yeah absolutely I mean Everyone likes The Godfather I thought so too but no you a lot of women you're just like uh you know you never saw the guy nah it just you know it's violent and I don't know I don't know it's just a male thing like but like you're saying yeah but Christopher Hitchens I did not know now I certainly have heard him uh castigated as a sexist yes right and you would that's part of what bothers you about him I wouldn't say part you know I mean I mean what one of the things that that makes you is extremely old-fashioned you know right no him one okay one of the things that makes one a man who's described by other men as sexist um one of the things that makes a man that is to be very old-fashioned very conventional very old-fashioned and that's what he seemed like to me you know and also very British like a particular British way of being have you read them yeah luckily not recently you have to admit he had a way with words he was he was very articulate you know I mean extremely articulate right right and this is true of almost all English people and so I don't get that much credit right you know because I always say well it's their language they invented it yes they're much better with it but not at that level well no but there are more uh English writers at that level than American Writers um and that can't be just talent that is that is their language like if we have a scale of let's say you and Chris frictions and and then Tick Tock yes all right yes I give you that but I mean people saying we're talking about a human population now that reading as you know that's gone it's just I don't agree with you that is because except for a very small percentage if you write a novel and it sells 50 000 copies that's a big hit 50 000 in a country of 300 million no that's completely true I mean if it's a good novel I wouldn't sell fifty thousand it was a very very few yeah and what and the ones that do are by Robert Ludlum yes no I agree with you okay you know uh but that is in a way almost always been the case bill it's it you know popular when people Everyone read novels there was no other form of entertainment in other words right once I came yeah people read novels yes okay and once movies came fewer people read novels and then television fewer people read novels you know um and that's always been true and novels that generally there have been some great novels that sell a lot but generally enough to sell huge amounts are not very good they're just very entertaining have you ever seen tick tock most people have shown it to me yeah isn't it amazing you know I don't care about this I don't I know but like the fact that people are just all day doing this and and like I've looked at it and like I can watch uh cute funny dogs and cats like for I mean if you really just put me in a room I would I could drool my life away like looking at this [ __ ] it is it is amusing but I purposely just the way I would put down a giant piece of cake I just put it aside and I'm like okay I could and yet this apparently seems to be a level of discipline that eludes and I'm trying to Big myself up on this I'm just saying I don't think I'm doing anything that outrageously great but other peoples can't seem to pull this off and they are just mesmerized by not just that app but all I mean I get your thing about the phone although you know also you could have a phone and just not use this [ __ ] part and just used it as a to talk but I don't want to talk Oh you mean a landline yes you know I mean a phone that works first of all you know on my phone my landline no one's ever saying I can't hear you wait a minute I'm losing you I have a phone in my apartment it's sufficient for me people people I know uh you know are always like mad at me I can't reach you and I always say it doesn't matter I can't help you in other words I know if you reach an emergency I'm not a doctor there's nothing I can do if you need help don't call me because I don't have these skills right like I cannot I cannot save you no matter what is wrong with you call someone who knows how to save you right that is not me I don't need to be reached things like Tick Tock and stuff like that you're talking about kids mostly who do this all the time right no it's not just Kids Tick Tock is taking over and you know it's a Chinese company right I know it's a change I mean it would be the equivalent of in 1968 Chairman Mao running CBS no seriously well I don't have it because I don't have the thing I know they've banned it in certain places they like shut it off apparently in government phones now you can't get it it's uh you know I mean I I well I mean if there's nothing we can do about this you know I think you know there's certain things that maybe can be fixed but that's not going to be one kids you said it before they know nothing about anything they don't they and again not to indict the education system but I mean what else conclusion can you draw they just let kids out of school without knowing anything there is nothing that you can um I've seen these videos like where they're they're men on the street kind and they're saying to people at the mall or whether they're 19 year olds you know when did America start I don't know take a guess um 1901 you know like well I know you should do that remember uh jaywalking right yes same bit how many people on the Supreme Court four how many planets are and I uh but I always you know I I before I had the opportunity to ask him I thought they deliberately picked out the people who didn't know this and he he showed me that was not the case I would look all videos are edited right so they talk to 50 people of course they're going to use the 20 funniest ones Jay was that thing was more uh I think indicative because I don't think those people were pre-screened that way it's like oh when I get the four idiots in the audience right that's what he said he said that they just said right they actually didn't I believe him that they didn't but that's a fault of the school system there's no question that's of the school system how could it I mean that is that is Criminal so that is because at a certain point you know the education system is maybe connected to the fact that we were saying earlier perhaps we were actually filming I was unaware when we started so I don't maybe this is already on this um when I was a child which was before you wore one um no one ever asked a child a question because what would a child know you know morning tonight all you got was instructions in my house and almost all house it was non-stop instructions and with in my house a lot of it was grammar my mother was constantly correcting my grammar non-stop to the point at which I do this in my head my mother is dead I am old I'm much older than my mother was when I when she was telling me this stuff it's non-stop in my head to the point where this actually happened to me I was walking across Washington Square Park not in the park but across yeah on the street um and it was like three o'clock in the morning and coming toward me was a very tough looking guy like a guy who had um a tattoo of barbed wire around his neck yeah kind of person that you don't want to get into an argument with this guy so and you take that as a sign that's a sign of someone I'm not going to get an argument with it so he's walking toward me and I'm working towards we're walking toward each other and they were renovating Washington Square Park which is like every five years they take more trees out of it um and there were a lot of mice which I am terrified of any rodent I'd rather have a wolf in my apartment than a mouse so a mouse ran across my foot and I screamed as if like a bear was coming toward me like in a comic yes like that and this guy like laughed and he said oh what happened did one of those little mouses run across your foot and I said mice [Laughter] and he turned around and looked at me he had no and he said what and I said the plural of mouse is mice not mouses and luckily the guy clearly thought this woman is nuts and kept walking so I thought like I am a person who contradicts and corrects the grammar of a clearly dangerous 20 year old Thug um because it's in my head so this is what my childhood was like I would say to my mother can I please have an apple she would say may I please have an apple I would say may I please have pineapple she would say no now that's an entirely different person that grows up from that you know right so but so they stopped teaching the grammar is a very very boring thing to learn is it you the only way to learn grammar is by memorizing millions of rules is you can't make it entertaining or fun or interesting you can't make it be about you it's just about these rules which are actually totally arbitrary so they stop teaching it you know and that is why people make these mistakes but the provenance of this problem is pair parenting because as we were alluding to before and yes we've been on since the second you sat down um the in our day the big difference in schooling was the parents and the teachers like on the same team an iron Triangle yes or biangle whatever you got trouble when I got trouble in school you then got in trouble at home exactly now you get in trouble School the parents do the school exactly yes because because it was not the then it was the children against the adults you know not my child you know and me again I'm just saying to the average voter whether it's in Florida or whatever City you're talking about in America the average guy you were saying before who doesn't whatever you were saying that guy who doesn't follow politics closely he's going to go that kind of [ __ ] yeah I think DeSantis will stand up to that [ __ ] I mean to grammar to to parents uh not being uh on the side of the teachers well there there's also this idea which I believe you seem to share in some way that the teachers union is some malevolent Force it's not a malevolent verse but it has created a lot of malevolence because it's produced a lot of children who don't know anything again I'm trying to trace this back to what we are agreeing on kids don't know anything where did that start whose fault is that mainly obviously there's a lot of blame to go around but not insisting that kids know anything when they got out of school I got it Paris like a certain parents say that they want to be friends with their children so yes my mother used to say to me all the time without the slightest bit of irony I'm not sure a friend I'm your mother like I could mistake for someone who liked me that seems like more of a thing that that the people are going to think is in the blue bin is true it is not truly true no these parents who are hysterical that their children might learn about Evolution you know um they are wrong yeah that's true too okay they're wrong but they're just definitely they're certainly seen maybe they're not but they're certainly seen as the side of the country that's more into traditional values and discipline and a lot of it is religious in nature some of it is a lot of it is okay and I really object to that you know a lot you know homeschooling which should not be allowed homeschooling a lot of it is so half the schooling if you want to call it that is about religion but they have they've studied this and a lot of times the kids who are homeschooled actually wind up knowing more than the kids who went to regular high school because those kids didn't learn anything that's possible but people some people are homeschooled from the very beginning no I know and obviously the mostly The Homeschool are being inculcated with religious stuff but they're going to get that at home anyway you know you know which schools actually do the best these days Catholic schools and trust me as an old Catholic who [ __ ] hated catechism more than anything else in my life ever at least Catholic schools still like teach kids the basics so a lot of people who are not Catholics want their kids to go to Catholic school and they just tell them you know when they start in on the Jesus [ __ ] just doing that but then they're going to teach you grammar well you know what math you know I have a list it's very short um of people that I know who went to Catholic school now I mean people my age so people my age who went to Catholic School really learned grammar because if you were my age the nuns were allowed to hit you then and being hit is the way you learn grammar apparently I was hit by none it's so boring grammar and so it doesn't make any sense you can't like logically figure it out so I you know this one guy who went to Catholic School from kindergarten right through college like he's a grammar expert he knows every possible thing um and that's the only way you learn a grammar so you have to compel people to learn it you know and so since we don't compel people to do things anymore in that way you know so you know so one thing to say we should compel people to learn grammar which I believe we should and it's another thing to say we should compel people to believe things that are patently not true which is many things from the right Bill patently untrue I couldn't agree more and I'm I never shy away from making that point I'm just putting the salt and the pepper together to make a balanced meal and by the way I read Strunk and white every year and it's very helpful and then not to be too privileged I read Strunk and black no but you know I went to Cornell and that's where that was written you know that I know that he what was it strong was the professor and EB white was the student right and when you were Cornell it was all boys in the right it was close to all boys it certainly was in my circle and not by choice I was what they would call today an in-cell are you familiar with the incels I know what they are I hope I'm not familiar with I know who they are they used to be just unlucky and now they're they shoot people well it stands for involuntarily celibate I the just the idea that they would [ __ ] name themselves and like start a movement when I was one because I certainly was one the last thing I ever wanted was to like be part of a group of other losers but you also didn't think it entitled you to go into a Walmart and shoot people yeah okay so most of them are not doing that I but most of them are not doing that but most of them they do do that are those people and and that is uh they don't like look down on them so many of them don't look down on the people who shoot there was a guy in Santa Barbara there was a I remember this you drove down the street shooting at people correct in a Mercedes right he was a nice looking guy he was just at that age and I remember that age um where you can't get laid because you're bad at that as you are at everything at 19 because you're just at the very infancy of your adulthood so just like in your real infancy you're smaller than everybody at least in stature and life uh you're powerless you're no less you're just a [ __ ] idiot about everything and you're going to be bad at everything and I was bad at that and these these guys were are bad at that and but the difference is this guy nice looking guy in her Mercedes just took it upon himself to take this out on the people who really deserve the uh whooping for this and and shoot some women who I guess turned him down at a party or something I think they were random I mean they and I don't I remember this was several years ago I remember like 10 years ago yeah he just he went to school there yeah right and again a very privilegedy area Santa Barbara extremely I went I did a speaking date there several years ago and I had never been there before it was in Montecito and or Monica have what you said and someone in the audience said what do you think of Montecito and I said it makes Beverly Hills look like Detroit is that true it is true it's like you cannot believe first of all the just the lavishness of the natural environment you know it's it's so psychotically beautiful that you can't believe this is like a real place really I gotta get up there it's really beautiful it's really is that why Prince Harry moved there is that why he moved there I'm guessing no I think he moved there because she told him to um I doubt he had heard of it what is your opinion on Prince Harry well here's my opinion well first of all here's my first here's my first like observation like I say to people can you imagine a family where William's the smart one okay so that's the family that says oh Prince Harry Prince William Prince Harry's not an idiot either but and and look he served in Afghanistan um he says he killed 25 Afghanistan afghanis the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch I saw that but um no but I like the whining I really annoys me I'm sorry this is a spoiled brappy I believe I watched the interview he did with Anderson on 60 Minutes and you know I like Anderson he's actually really good journalist a lot of people dismiss him because he does that silly stuff with Andy Khan but he is a real journalist and I've developed this habit since Trump of actually yelling at my television set I know it's idiotic but it just sure and so he asked him I mean I understand that's Prince Harry um well then why don't you after he was like you know whining about how horrible the royal family was his life was impossible my brother hit me my father was mean to me I thought like he actually he was like in the Syrian refugee camp right yeah um and then uh Anderson said well then why don't you give up your title and Prince Harry said in a very princely manner what good would that do Anderson and I I was like yeah Anderson should have said well because you're not here because your name is Harry right your hair because your name is Prince and if you're complaining constantly about too much media attention the place you do would not be 60 minutes I couldn't agree with that more all of that uh and he could have also said John Lennon returned his middle metal of the British Empire you can renounce these things yes you can um but then you can't get a 16 minutes no because a lot of people named Harry and they're not that's the only thing that gives him Saving Grace with me because I do think he's a whiner and and a horrible hypocrite and just go away but anybody who was a prince who still went to war I mean I I thought it was a silly War to be in but I'm sure there were she said you like being at work I I said I like that no he did oh he did yeah he did yes he said it was the only time he felt he had a purpose right and that people treated him like everyone else um although I do seem to remember I could be wrong that at a certain point they pulled him out of wherever he was um and they let him get his 25 kills yep I don't know if that's a lot or a little you know isn't that kind of a backhanded slap to the to the wife if you say this the only time I felt like I was worth a damn I thought the wife was the person who like upped him up so he felt like he was could leave the royal family and be his own man and no I don't know them I do not know them even though someone a woman who works in my building um there are many people we originally started on that Netflix and which is all over the world and someone Works in my building was leaving and I was talking to her and she said um tonight is um uh Meghan Markle and Prince Harry um on TV on Netflix I said oh she said you're going to watch it right I said no she said no she said I said you can watch it yes she said I said you like them oh I love them oh I should oh should you like them I said no yeah she said but you know them I said no yes you know them I said of course I don't where how would I know them she said from Netflix so I said the cafeteria right I said Netflix is not a place it's not like she had in her mind I said Chris it's a place it's like a bar we all go there oh eight billion people on Netflix and every night when you go to a different bar we go to Netflix and we hang out and that's where I see Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ah I always love it when Russell Crowe has a movie on Netflix because then we can have a drink together at the cafeteria who is this woman I mean she works in the building some people she did she believed that this is a place in where I would know Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from people the problem that won't go away yes all right well I'm gonna release you back into the wild thank you very much it's a delightful place any place it's delightful when I get to sit down and talk to you remember San Francisco uh we'll always have San Francisco it was um Silicon Valley son what was it Silicon Valley Silicon Valley yeah it was three night what year was that 2017 or something anyway I don't remember I don't remember but it was like three nights at the same time three nights yeah it was fun it was fun it's always fun to be with you um what are you doing now I'm having dinner with some Millennials you'll love it oh I'm having dinner with someone you always do this I've told you a million times I've lived after interview you have to tell me before dinner time [Music] laughs I can't spring you want you're one of a kind

Channel: Club Random Podcast

Views: 515,070

Keywords: club random podcast, club random, podcast, bill maher, bill, maher, club random with bill maher, real time, real time with bill maher, Fran Lebowitz, fran lebowitz interview, fran lebowitz on fallon, fran lebowitz hbo, fran lebowitz vanity fair, fran lebowitz on, vanity fair fran lebowitz, fran lebowitz talks, fran lebowitz show, who's afraid of fran lebowitz, fran lebowitz funny, new york, new york city, nbc tv, snl, Fran Lebowitz Martin Scorcese

Id: Ki7DtIRMRB0

Length: 101min 52sec (6112 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 12 2023

Reddit Comments

[u/No_Mortgage6795]

Bill is allowed his COVID views but it bugs me that he treats all mitigation measures as yes or no, when really it should be a little bit of EVERYTHING from diet to sleep to exercise to vaccines/medicine to masks to hygiene to social distance and so on. There’s no reason to take anything off the table, nor any reason to simply choose one option and discard the others. It’s not that masks don’t work, it’s that different masks have different effectiveness over different periods of time. It’s not that social distancing is always needed but it’s useful where/when appropriate. There’s no need to be strident or over opinionated about this.

[u/Windcriesmerry]

The landline portion from Ms. Lebowitz was funny. Don't call me I am not a Dr.

[u/SlanderCandor]

Dude loves bringing up her legendary writers block, he mentions it in passing as if it’s a cultural event that everyone in the audience is read in on

[u/FamilyGuyFan-729]

Love Fran, one of Bill’s best regulars

[u/MtottheC]

She is the REAL girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party, what a crusty snob

[u/PetSoundsofLiberty]

Fran Lebowitz is a gift.

[u/Bruce_Hale]

Liked this episode but Bill whining about a production assistant not having alcohol for guests backstage is so dumb. He acted like it was a moral failing of epic proportions.

[u/Anotherbadsalmon]

Bill and Fran look like twins. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George was dating a woman who looked a lot like Jerry, (Season 9 episode 13 episode #169 overall the cartoon).

[u/hour_of_the_rat]

Lots of presidents have not served in the military, the first being John Adams.

Clinton was the first since Truman to not have been in the services.

I am halfway through, and enjoying both Bill and Fran. She has been funny, and the talk about Russia was interesting. Loved the variety of topics!

I never get the hate in this sub, but you are all entitled to your opinions.