Football at Its Dumbest - Tosh.0

[Applause] oh i hope sandra bullock doesn't give him [Music] [Applause] back [Music] the following is a presentation of hb .0 [Music] [Applause] [Music] sports [Music] fall has begun and the tosh.0 team returns to the office rejuvenated after the off-season tuck in your shirt but not everyone on staff has maintained peak physical condition head rider nick mallis has come to camp 20 pounds overweight tosh knows he must handle the situation delicately you are fat as [ __ ] tosh wastes no time putting his staff through its paces except for me i'm sure you were all a little rusty so let's get to work after four seasons and countless internet videos the team struggles to find the right clips we're never going to use that on the show that's not for us no idiot no come on up your game no nobody cares about produce you know what send me that link improvement is needed and tasha's impossibly high standards cause some to crack under the pressure that's garbage keep going dig dig right right right give me something come on come on dig deep there you go right right why are you guys coming forward don't you have a jog in place come on knees up with tape day approaching tosh attempts to motivate his team with some inspiring words this poor effort from every one of you excluding me if we do that next week sons of anarchy is going to destroy us in the 18 to 24 mail demo is that what you want is that what you want then play like it matters hit the showers after a tense morning tosh brightens the mood with some light-hearted hazing of the rookie riders but things get serious when it's time to make the first cut of camp come on in have a seat and you know what this is right we're letting you go okay this isn't the end for you i gotta call my grandma call your grandma weirdo hold on the problem is you're writing cursive i don't like to read cursive no one likes to read cursive i'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your marker it's been a pleasure working for you okay you gotta go where was this with team morale at an all-time low and tension mounting tosh hits the studio early for the final preseason episode and three two one welcome back to tosh.0 perfect second string don't be too funny veteran backup host dom herrera can't wait for his last shot at green screen glory comedy central doesn't feel that i appeal to the younger demographic tell that to the 18 year old twins i fingered last night for daniel tosh each new day means a chance to improve despite the fame women money cars men world tours cartoon shows goldman sachs accounts and designer dogs tosh is still the last one out of the door each night it's the only way he knows [Applause] win since 2014. [Applause] could be worse she could have been at baylor that's ashley and if we go to the replay we will see that she did not have it this is what happens when you're on the sideline at the auburn lsu game and you think you can shag kickoffs from a lou grozo award finalist we interrupt our normal hysterical show with a tosh.o exclusive i have just received an illegal copy of new england patriots owner robert kraft's sex tape oh yeah airing it will hopefully get me blackballed from show business i've been told by my legal dream team it's better to ask for forgiveness and permission so here it is for your emmy consideration the robert kraft sex tape espn with the express written consent of the nfl presents the 30 for 30 documentary ejacuate stunning charge the billionaire owner of the new england patriots robert kraft caught up in a sex sting in south florida soliciting prostitution robert craft paid a prostitute human trafficking paying for and receiving sex he was twice videotaped a billionaire flew from boston to jupiter florida getting jerked off by some 40-something woman in a strip mall hours before the afc championship game i can't even imagine the sick [ __ ] he was doing before the divisional roundhouse orchards is uh pretty filthy but it's the second nicest jack shack in jupiter probably wouldn't go there if it weren't so close to my favorite liquor store what this level down to is human sex trafficking the new england patriots support human sex trafficking it is what it is i've had it up to here spygate deflategate aaron hernandez russell wilson throwing the super bowl and now bob crafts rub and tug boston doesn't want the patriots anymore i hope he sells the team to okc he wore six rings and said things like i'm the patriots owner robert kraft which made it real easy to identify him because i'm a dolphins fan people are going to call me a hater you're right i hate human sex trafficking i also hate the people of new england but not as much as i hate human sex trafficking before the massage he insisted that masseuse kiss his championship rings bam bam bam balls on that [ __ ] that's alright mr craft wasn't able to achieve an erection until the sex worker put on a tom brady jersey as i stated in my report it wasn't a firm erection it was more like a raw chicken tender gummy worms i am a seasoned ticket holder so in a way i feel like i have been paying for these hand jobs you don't want to go in the room after robert craft no it smells like something died in his balls human sex trafficking i thank god we didn't get audio it bothered me a lot more a long time ago now after 17 years of it i have healthy boundaries the last 20 years have been forever tainted might as well give back the rings at least we got our chatter and the socks down at the harbour with the wicked matt damon sam adams two when you come to florida look at our alligators enjoy our space program but don't jizz on victims of human sex trafficking i lost my family i tell you who really got jerked off that day every young football fan i mean the roundabout way bob kraft jerked off children that's his legacy next week on 30 for 30 what if i told you mark wahlberg spent 45 days in prison for robbing and blinding a vietnamese man derek jeter presents mark wahlberg did a hate crime did i mention human sex trafficking when the real tape inevitably comes out i vow to air it every single week until i'm cancelled [Applause] oh i hope sandra bullock doesn't give him back now you know why they call him special teams no he doesn't play for the raiders he plays for the las vegas cobras a semi-pro football team where you get none of the fame and fortune but all of the higher risk for parkinson's if your job requires you to wear a helmet nobody should expect you to be mentally sharp he tackled his own teammate big deal it's not like he shot himself or a dog or been a strip club bouncer or smoke the sticky icky icky oh ricky or is ray jay's weiner cousin you have to be willing to forgive i don't care if they read at a fifth grade level if you can read a defense and not blow my three-game parlay you're okay in my book it's a violent game with serious consequences playing football qualifies you for only three things later in life coaching football analyzing football or successfully murdering your ex-wife and her boyfriend corey was just a kid chasing his dreams in front of an announced crowd of 79 at a vegas middle school so we brought him to la to give him another chance to smear the in this week's web redemption hey how you doing what's up is out here my game jersey oh really yeah game jersey when you got abs like this you don't hide them oh i'm sorry sorry i won't say nothing i don't know how to do that very well first of all did you win that game yeah we won that game we won by like three touchdowns tell me what you do for a living i'm a lab technician i work inside of a hospital that is not the answer i thought i was going to get i know anybody would you want me to say i was a cake decorator no i just when i saw you tackle your own teammate i was like i didn't think oh that's a lab technician yeah what position do you play defense attack on the linebacker are you always on special teams too no i just happened to win out on that one day are you serious yes i've never ever done it before that okay that's like one way to make sure you don't play anymore yeah exactly are you colorblind i am not colorblind i got that question a lot too what were the type of comments people posted online what the hell was you thinking were you on drugs um who was you trying to impress like your your your instant reaction to my i'm pretty honest my instant reaction i seen a guy with a ball he was running towards me and i tackled it it was an accident it was a clear accident do you have any other good plays that came um actually no that was my best place that was my best play a lot of girls wouldn't sit like this they would be self-conscious of that not me we want to give you a chance to redeem yourself we're just going to run you through a few combine drills make sure you're ready give you another chance to block all right what's your 40 time four i think it four five four six i think i can beat that how much do you bench um 3.85 no i know i can beat that corey welcome to the taj mahal i just feel fast right now probably because i'm wearing all black all right cory let's check your vertical huh did not want it to be that high oh my goodness you know what else is good laying stereotypes to rest as many as you can get good thing i'm here to spot i know i get it you're stronger than i am [Music] [Applause] ah really one line six edf cz2 oh man come on i got a parachute on my back life is a parachute all right corey it's time for you to block for me i'm going to return a punt against the reigning woman's professional football team the california quake oh it is going to be hard to play without an erection hey i'm not good at getting you jazzed up so i thought it'd be great to bring in all pro super bowl champion mr bill romanowski to help you okay bill hey hey how you doing we're here for one reason you know what that is all right that's to knock the crap out of somebody yes sir you hear me yes sir are you ready to knock out somebody yes sir are you really right yeah i'm ready let's go game time what time is it the world wants to know are you ready to give another shot yes let's go oh my gosh oh i caught it don't tackle me this does not look good let's go this way let's go let's go this way [Music] ah [Applause] wow good job and no i did not let romanowski hit me stunt man by stunt man i mean later [Applause] bill [Applause] trying to get our two boys ready to carry them to golf tournament for pratt's right twelve cats live across the road our doors open screens broke we need to get a new screen door but the screen's broke so you come in through the screen but you can't get back out of it i turn and look there's a little kitty cat in our in our kitchen so i said what are you doing in here little kitty cat by that time the cat turns tries to get back out that screen won't go that way cat starts going yeah all crazy and i told our players we need more dogs bows bargaining in the back i have to go shut bow up mel's like what's going on it says the captain house cat in the house i said yeah there's a cat in the house so i told our players i tried to let it out the front door yeah cat's still going crazy in there and i told our players you need to be more like a dog we don't need a bunch of cats in here yeah looking in the mirror do i look good i got my extra bands on i got my other shoes up be a dog we don't need no meows we don't need no cats we need more dogs i'm sure i don't have to tell you but that's coach dave bennett of the coastal carolina chanticleers with inspiring words like this you know where this press conference will end up now told our players you need to be more like a dog hey coach i think you need to be a little more specific there's tons of dogs with a varying degree of aggression be a dome now pitbulls coach pitbulls are good that's a fierce animal problem is they're inbred now a lot of them are predisposed to hip dysplasia that's not going to be good for your offensive line you should have said be like a monkey you want to be like a monkey because monkeys are a lot stronger than humans everyone knows that cat house cat in the house i said yet as a cat in the house coach wha what's so bad about being a cat anyhow i mean if it's a house cat show but what if it's a cheetah or a lion actually a lion isn't the best uh example it's the smaller cats that do the killing like cheetahs things like that and the lions just come in they scare the cheetah away and then they eat i see well they're very selfish animals well the point is coach that any of these things would slaughter a dog yeah you're being a [ __ ] lunatic yeah let's plug the beer so we can end this commercial ah there it is awful beer in a [ __ ] hand what are you doing in here little kitty cat hey here's an idea why not try making it taste less like instead of inventing a super wide double vortex vent so you can pour it down your gullet even faster be a can't hear the dog bullet train coming that's what you get for being a cat up there you need to be a dog [Music] it's not funny she's gonna be out four to six weeks with a broken spirit [Applause] [Music] oh get up that's called tebowing and there's one more reason to hate tim tebow before and after every game he takes and ian reflects with god but if tebow's really a good christian he'd honor the sabbath and keep it holy by not working every sunday i get that tebow's a leader on the field but you know who'd be even better in the huddle a professional quarterback he's not a passer who's a threat to run he's a tight end who lines up in the wildcat he seemed good in college because he was shot putting six yard dump screens to a safety valve oh he won the heisman great so did charlie ward and he sat on the knicks bench for eight years he's the only athlete who brags about being a virgin at least tony romabang's dudes knock it off of the bible versus an abstinence talk i have it on good authority that your v card got swiped plenty down in gainesville denver is better off without him but try telling that to a stadium full of chanting hill people everyone is tebowing these days but i don't think they understand what it really means when you drop down and pray like him it should be after you've done something awful because that's what tim tebow represents being awful [Music] [Applause] nice throw tiba [Applause] okay if it's fat drunk and slow it must be die chicago did he get the first down no go for it the bears could use that pole at safety you can't expect people who put an entire pickle spear on their hot dogs to be athletic it was either run face first into a pole or talk to a girl with a midwestern accent i say you made the right call if you want a really easy win raise a packers fan on your mark get set two dogs heavy crowds chili uh onions put some cheese on it put another dog on top of that dog maybe put some peppers some jalapeno peppers all right that looks like a is that a dijon you lost here's a question packers fans if your hats are made of cheddar how come they have the holes of swiss you think people who got that fat off cheese would know the difference not getting greyhounds it's time to get serious there is no body bladder and there is no other high school six-man football team that is hungrier than these guys well hey zoos rodriguez [Applause] is we are by far the absolute number one best in the world if he looks familiar it's because he used to star in that show rugrats that's chad and he makes motivational videos to fire up his beloved high school football team the knock city greyhounds which appears to be in a high radiation area of texas high school football is a religion in texas because anything is better than watching tony romo [ __ ] the bed season after season if a high school football game is the most interesting thing to do on a friday night you should burn your town to the ground [Applause] i just want everybody to know that i'm opposed to an unauthorized biography for anybody you know one of these days when i'm finished coaching in alabama i'll write an authorized book because you know there's really only one expert on my life and guess who that is me what could a man with a horrible temper and zero sense of humor have to hide well if he doesn't want me to read it i know what i'll be doing in my spare time all right kids today we're going to read the biography of nick saban which starts off with a quote from nick saban himself football is not hamlet it's not tragedy it should be fun tell it to your face sabin who was then the head coach of the dolphins had publicly denied any interest in the alabama job over and over and over well guess i can close the book there's no way he's going to alabama a man is only as good as his word saban knew how it would look if he left the dolphins after just two seasons he would be called a liar a failure and a quitter say it with me kids a liar a failure but the decision wasn't his alone uh yes it was nobody gives a [ __ ] what your wife thinks wayne is paying you millions of dollars you don't even give a [ __ ] about your wife you know why she wanted out she felt ugly in miami and if you want to feel smart sexy and special you surround yourself with thousands of toothless townies in tuscaloosa she also believed that a college town was a much healthier place to raise their two children didn't his daughter kristen almost murder someone with her bare hands yes yes she did saban says in the nfl you were penalized for success what success exactly the nfl barely penalizes wife beaters i'm pretty sure they'd be okay with back-to-back playoff appearances sabin had a choice between drew brees and dante culpepper he's gonna try to say oh the medical people advise me he wants to take no responsibility for picking dante culpepper over drew brees drew brees won a super bowl cul pepper knowing his career was being ruined shouted at saban you better get your short [ __ ] away from me you lying [ __ ] let's be honest he killed cole pepper's career cole pepper was the co-mvp of the league the other co-mvp was steve mcnair who was killed by his mistress who worked at dave and busters well i i believe that's true saban is five feet eight inches tall so is he a lady saban's go-to gesture when he was really angry was to reach his hand back to grab his own butt cheek was he checking his own oil sabin still eats two little debbie oatmeal cream pies every morning as he drinks coffee here you go there's favorites you know what's in these things high fructose corn syrup this is poor people food so how does the story end he had an [ __ ] father now football's too fast he's a piece of the end you

Channel: Tosh.0

Views: 1,232,255

Keywords: Tosh, daniel tosh, tosh.0, tosh.o, full episode, cewebrity profile, cewebrity, web redemption, football season, football, training camp, Tosh premiere, hard knocks training camp, tosh hard knocks, football fail, ejacugate, 30 for 30 parody, 30 for 30, Robert kraft, Tebowing, Tim Tebow, Tebow, Nick Saban, Saban, Saban biography, best of the web, worst of the web, comedy central, comedy, comedian, funny video, funny, tosh full episode, watch, free, online

Id: 0QcA1LubTes

Length: 26min 54sec (1614 seconds)

Published: Sat May 08 2021