FBI Negotiator's 6 Secrets For WINNING ANY EXCHANGE In Life (Art Of NEGOTIATION)| Chris Voss

and correction is an addiction might as well be one of the seven deadly sins so you don't have to be aggressive to get what you want to get what you were the last impression is a lasting impression no matter what everything in life is a negotiation and in this video Homer FBI negotiator Chris Voss breaks down the secrets to getting anything you want in business and life my job to get on the phone was to be the approval bull thanks guy the nicer you are the more moveable you could be mmm you know you know and forgive me for picking on mr. Donald Trump right now but you know the style of being you could be very aggressive without or very certain without being aggressive and in his stylist you wants to yell at people you didn't want to intimidate his way in you don't have to give up that bunch of certian you just you don't want to be that mean you don't want to be that hard on for example what do you mean like how well you know there's there's a way in LA yes um this great guy here at Tyler's name was Tom Girardi voted top trial attorney in California several years in a row by the Bar Association he gets a voter top trial attorney so many times that when they put it on a front page they say again Wow so he comes in and he's a guest of my class at USC and he stepped and I know he's a top trial attorney but I don't know his style I figure he's gonna be an attack dog cuz I spent so much time in New York you know I'm used to attack dog attorneys and Tom walks into the class and he says you know the key to negotiations being nice and gentle then what Tom does by being nice is get you to drop your guard that tom is in a movable unrelenting opponent and that's why he's so successful and he's ridiculously nice about it like he smiles and he chats with people and he always talks about how will collaborate with each other in the future he you get into an argument with him and immediately he'll Bend it where he's talking with you about how you're not gonna be successful together ten years from now mm-hmm or in the future which is the same thing a hostage negotiator does like if you're barricading the bank I'm gonna say my first goal is to get you out of there alive well I picked a point of future that we can collaborate on Tom Girardi does this instinctively and he's just super nice about it I mean like you either you've got to cooperate with him cuz you like him so much he's never gonna let up on you or more than likely you're gonna say something accidentally and and he gets people saying stuff accidentally and he and then he could and then he doesn't jump on you if you say something accidentally he lets you say so many things accidentally what do you mean I think I don't leave it well like you know he loves to get people uncovering emails if they never should have written mmm-hmm like if you if you said Tom an email st. Tom let's go have lunch together he will not email you back saying okay because he doesn't put anything in emails because that's a downfall of almost every single lawsuit somebody who's done something wrong is gonna put it in an email Wow and Tom knows if he's nice to the other side long enough he's gonna figure out where those emails are so and that's what people do all the time you know lawsuits are uncovered people get into trouble with what they put in emails when Wow when they when they say hey they said an email to somebody else is saying you know we you know we shouldn't be doing this and a person sends that email back say like yeah it's okay no way to find out oh my gosh and today's day and age people put stuff in emails it's a tablet nose he's just relentlessly nice lent las' and the most charming guy you ever met in your life Wow so you don't have to be aggressive secret to gaining the upper hand the negotiation is given the other side the illusion of control now I'm coming at you as a very control oriented the ghost right as soon as you don't struggle with me over control you actually begin to gain an advantage because then you feel like you're in control right you don't have to try to gain it anymore right right I'm more than likely gonna start dropping like if I have a control freak guy if I want to talk all the time of a control freak guy control freak negotiators didn't want to talk all the time they feel out of control when they're not talking so you want to get them to the point where they don't talk but they don't talk because they relaxed not because they try to seize control right so you did you did a real nice job with that now they the only thing another thing that we teach is see you're not gonna give me a car right and you're trying to make it sound like you were going to yeah now I teach how to say no and then you want to feel other ways of saying because the real answer to that just like at the very beginning of my book he's supposed to look look at what say how am I supposed to do that mmm so pause it back to a question right uh uh how question an open-ended question well not just open it how okay how is a key to life yes is nothing without how see you know fight and and you could also started talking about how without talking about yes mmm so just say what I could see how would I do that what I say I'd love to get you what you need how would I do that just know what I do how would I do so give them the control to fear at the solution right right right how am I supposed to get you the car in that time frame because that's what you're trying to express there actually is a time problem here right in 60 seconds how am I supposed to get you a car right right that that's different then we can get a car we just need 60 more seconds all right we need more time yeah right because now I think now I think you duck at me okay but if you instead you say like how like you know you of course the cars are out here right away but first of all I got I got to tell everybody what we're gonna do I don't need anybody to get surprised let's talk through the details of how this is gonna get done in the meantime what got you here the first place mmm-hmm you know how do you find yourself in this kind of a situation how do I make sure I get you out of there alive the succession of how questions how am I supposed to promise to get you a car if I don't know that she's gonna come out alive you take what you want and make it the path to what I want hmm you know how am I supposed to get you in here if it doesn't benefit me also right so as soon as in any negotiation what I want is now a means of getting what you want then that changes the dynamic right away so how do you deal in a negotiation with the kind of person who has to win and ask to get everything they want they're very controlling alpha right and it's their way or no way we're getting everything they want is actually third over there less first of all being in control is number one on the list and that's emotionally satisfying the second thing is the Alpha type which is we refer to that as the assertive the one thing that's more important to them than actually getting what they want is being respected and making sure that you know everything about what they're coming from so and it's a classic guy who's working for his boss and said you don't want my boss didn't do what I wanted him to do but he heard me out or she heard me out I can live with the direction we're going as long as I know that my boss knows my opinion and so that the assertive type of negotiator it's really more important to them that they felt felt that they conducted themselves respected respectively that you respected them in that you knew what they were coming from and once they know those things they'll actually soften up on what they want if they feel disrespected the probably more frustrating than angry and right demanding right right right right so you guys was a very demanding what they're really saying to you sub subtle is I want you to know how important this is to me right and what you do how important I am so how do you meet that person just come to them with respect or with Mario you could say look you you're you're impressive you're phenomenal you've thought it's all-out this is very yeah I mean clearly you know we're coming from you know what you want I'm lucky to be talking to you at all all right I mean if we're I to sit down with with Donald Trump I would in fact be lucky to be in the same room with him that'd be the first thing I'd say to him I'd say truck is he an American icon all right you know you you're the symbol of American business certainly in New York City yeah you know stroking her ego it's not a bad thing one of the and you know it's a version of empathy because that's how they see themselves and you know the the emotional recognition like emotional currency is not going to solve every deal I just don't want to try to solve any deal with money what I could have solved it with emotional currency I'm saving my money with emotional empathy currency intelligence my mud is too important to me to waste it when I could buy something with satisfaction hey it's Luis here and I would love to connect it directly with you text me the word YouTube to my number six one four three five zero three nine six zero to receive weekly inspirational messages from doing a lot of coaching in the real estate industry with a gentleman named Steve Steve Shaw performance coach cool guy played in Super Bowl one of the people that have completely adopted our approach in real estate and this is just human dynamic so this is not limited to real estate since she changed her approach about ten months ago she's gone out on 80% fewer appointments mm-hmm real estate of woman's yes yeah gone out 80% less have cut the same number the deals that she did the year before while 80% less work same number of deals and her deals are much more profitable how is that the pre questionnaire is it there's a little bit of an illumination how do you eliminate upfront whether or not somebody is either accidentally on purpose never going to do business with you and not burn the bridge how do you figure that out the you know the simplest ways if you were buying myself if you were looking for a negotiation training yeah the first conversation I'd say Lois you know Harvard's out there warden is out there Terrace is out there I got a lot of great competitors me I mean these people that are really good why me hmm why would you ever I was a hostage oh sure yeah why would you ever come to a hostage negotiator learn how to negotiate now you're gonna do one of two things cuz why triggers defensiveness and every human being on a planet fight I said Lois why you wear those shoes right your first thought is like what's wrong my shoes yeah and you might say cuz cuz I like them cuz it comfortable right its defensive yeah that's what do you say that cuz my mom I asked her why all the time and cash you're crazy she says to me haha she says to me six months ago I stopped answering why questions I go why so why is why globally the word wine always creates defense in this on anybody we're asking now you may not always be accusing them when you use the word but if I've done something wrong you're gonna say why did you do that yes that's everybody's first response when they think somebody's some and so we hit it enough we're always defensive so but if I say why would you do business with me if you're gonna do it you're gonna defend it you can say well how's the CEO shitty you say you reverse psychology bit of our psychology so either you're gonna give me the reasons right away because I've just hit an emotional button on you I've actually hit two huh I've created defense in this and also it gives you you think I need to be corrected and correction is an addiction it might as well be one of the seven deadly sins I can trick you I can get you to tell me so much more if I if you're correcting me I get you to say things to me to you then you would never say to me otherwise the interesting I really I don't think I've ever thought of this so it's why we do what we do so I think I actually started doing this unintentionally but I know I wasn't saying why necessarily but I remember I was trying to I had this high ticket mastermind call the greatest mastermind for the last three years we actually just put it on pause for this year cuz I'm putting my effort and energy into other things but I noticed the time it took from year one I was doing all these phone calls to sell people to get into the mastermind right it was a thirty five thousand our price point and it worked fine because people weren't applied they were you know they showed interest and it worked your one your two I remember I said I'm gonna do no phone calls I'm gonna save my time cuz I was spending an hour on the phone telling people but just making sure they're qualified but there's a lot of time yes you're - I said I'm only doing emails and I'm gonna essentially get them to it'll roll themselves and if for me and I started asking certain questions I don't think I was saying why me when he can go to this mastermind and this coach and this I wasn't saying that but I was more asking them to enroll themselves in it for me say you know what's the purpose in you joining in the last year I did something similar it was just like I had someone else on the phone say why do you want to be a part of this with Louis specifically not not saying there's all these other options but just going why didn't any part of this and then he would listen to them say why they wanted to be a part of it but I don't think I have the perfect system the way you talk about it but I think that's and I never had to jump on a phone call and I'm gonna do an email and people just enrolled in a higher price point every year which was powerful yeah I like this approach to sing you know there's all these other options out there why do you want to get like me I mean we never badmouth our competition right right I say the great why me now the other responses can be now here's what you're really looking for these are the people that you're not gonna do business with if somebody looks back you say well that's up to you I like that yeah yeah you convinced me yeah well and a point of fact that's a defensive reaction on the airport vision Drive decision if they if you sit somebody sits down with you and they don't have a vision of doing business with you in their head already you can't put it there mm-hmm really you can't inception them no oh well no you can I need to diagnose whether or not there's anything in there yeah well if it is also I mean the return on my time like I get people to want to do business with me right now yeah because you your most valuable commodities your time you were just talking about time mm-hmm what do you and I have that's exactly this what's our commodity that's an equal to Warren Buffett's it can't get it back Warren Buffett's got 24 hours we got 24 hours you can't get it back so I could chase a deal for a long time or I can take the deals the people that are ready to do business with me now and there are enough people ready to do business with me now now that the chase is probably a fool's errand right now coming to that is really hard very few people can do it early in a business career because they're so desperate for opportunity to think it makes no sense to not chase every opportunity and everybody that we've taught this to who's been in business for any length of time you can just see the light go on like man I've been hustling for years those people yeah and yeah they said I didn't need to hustle as people right now well the only thing you needed is to develop a gut instinct for the people that aren't worth the hospital you know I guarantee you anybody attends your mastermind no matter what you charge for it it's gonna be cheap money for them right but if my mindset isn't there to start with if I show up I'm not gonna pay attention my mind is gonna be another place I'll be wasting my time right so you want to sell those people anyways you want to get the people that already have a vision of working with you it sounds like right or yeah a vision working with you where they realize the visions align mm-hmm and and now now this is a great collaboration right but if the the visions or the values the court if the core values don't align well I mean what if there's someone who's just starting out in a business they maybe don't have the reputation they don't have the credibility yet they don't have the audience sighs where people aren't coming to them seeking them out yet they're trying to make a name for himself the new real estate agent who's never done a deal the new videographer who's trying to get their first client like how do you get them to say well why do you want to work with me if I've never had the experience it was then that could really answer that question gotcha so but you there's there's a little there's another way to do it I'm an attorney I hired recently had a very specific issue wrote a white paper on that topic and put it out so I already knew knew what he was talking about he put that up he demonstrated an expertise in the area he took the time to do the research he took the time to review the issues he took the time to write this white paper and he put it out there it was an issue that we were struggling with internally I had an intern at the time he says that I finest attorney wrote this white paper like powerful Bank we went in right away and I and I knew that that he had it so if you're just starting out put an article on LinkedIn demonstrating what you know at that point incredibility yeah you know people people want it well yeah people want to know if you understand and so you can be brand new in an industry and develop an understanding of some aspect of that an industry in short order LinkedIn is one of those great it's a marketing tool it's a marketing platform put a piece out on LinkedIn yeah pretty-pretty a chance it's gonna create some more back and forth there's gonna be a bunch of people that are gonna be critical of you nine out of ten of them I'm gonna know what they're talking about but a couple of people who are on your side will add some comments that'll help you find what you know and now you've just demonstrated you're bringing value to the table we're going to be walking around what are the characteristics that make a great negotiator in your field and also how do those translate into the business in relationship world just in general outside of well let the other side go first you know most people have are so so they're burning with their argument here's why you should make this deal and they've got that memorized and and that they're not gonna listen to a word you say till they get it out so trying to talk to them is really like trying to talk to a paranoid schizophrenic alright because they're rehearsing their speech in their hand and their logic and so they just you just can't get through to him mmm so you let him go you let him go first and another guy Ned Colletti former GM of the Dodgers friend of mine here at a phenomenal negotiation he's like sure that in my class at USC also you know and that always likes to let the other side go first you know he did the Barry Bonds deal he's done a ton of deals across the board and that says well you know in a two-hour phone call there's gonna be 90 second set of solid gold where my the person I'm talking to based on changes that they made in their tone of voice and the adjectives that they used he's got an instinct for it he couldn't he couldn't identify you sorry say there's 90 seconds to saw it gold and I'd say what is that all right and we talked it through this is well yeah it's gonna be a change in a tone of voice it's gonna be a different kind of adjectives so Ned want you to go first cuz he wants to know what it's gonna take to make the deal what they want right yeah well these matters I'm for or how they characterize what they have and what they're not saying too may be exactly right what someone has failed to say he's offered a lot more important than what they have set which is why give it a little thought in advance alright what they're gonna what are they gonna say if they if they've got this so I I actually like to look for more of what they haven't said what's glaringly missing and that's gonna take I'm gonna need you to walk through it a couple of times before that jumps out of me mm-hmm okay okay who are the most difficult people to work with then would you say it's the Alpha people or you say it's the uncertain people or what type of people are hard to work negotiation with you know you're talking about a little bit of a tight match that hasn't has a tendency it's a little bit based on how bad I want to make the deal like I don't like liars mm-hmm or I don't like the most difficult people to work with in the long run or people who haven't thought anything through which is as bad as a liar only their heart's not in the wrong place they don't know what they want right civically or they don't know how they're gonna make they don't know how they're gonna get this done which is again we go over and over again I go over and over again yes there's nothing without how like in the person who thinks like the yes is gonna make a deal well yes it's not gonna make a deal because you gotta have how mmm how we gonna put this together and someone who doesn't think things through a lot of times they're actually kind of dysfunctional on their own side so they'll make promises they can't keep and they have no idea they can't keep those promises right and so when they take your deal you think you've done a deal with them they take it back to that company they're coming I was like now we're not doing this it's a stupid idea we can't do this sure and that happens a lot I think in a private sector I've heard from a number of companies that fully fifty percent of the deals that they make that don't go through he killed internally because somebody cut a deal for them and they took it back to the company the company says no that that violates our terms and conditions right we can't deliver on that basis so you're dealing with someone who just has no doesn't have clue as to what's going on on their side a lot of people like that when you're making a business deal what do you recommend as the amount of time to consider the deal before saying yes let's do it like here's the deal points here's what you want here's what I want okay should we sign it right away should we give it 24 hours should we take it to our team should it be a week you know what's not kind of a standard you think and unless you've got something in line ahead of time the company name was a Black Swan group because we believe there's black swans in every negotiation which is something you didn't know that as soon as you found out it's gonna change all the prey the deal gotcha so you sit out down at the table to find out the unknowns huh and you it's impossible to research all the unknowns plus a lot of the unknowns I'll find a lot faster if I just ask you right and I could research for two weeks something that I may be able to get you to tell me about in ten minutes for example what do you mean something you'd want to ask um I'm do I'm speaking to a lot for a longtime client and they have another cup firm that I've been affiliated with coming up doing a different block what I found out they were doing that block I couldn't subtly reach back through my network to find out what the competing slash partnership firm of mine is what they're charging or I can just flat-out I said well I need to get the information a lot of information you got to get by not asking you got to trigger it you know the phrase ask good questions it's really get good information and a lot of times you won't tell me stuff if I ask but if I act like I already know or if I there are other ways hostage negotiators trigger information without asking questions and hostage negotiators get that information to make you feel good about giving it at the same time so give me an example either in a hostage or business deal what that kind of trigger could be well it's gonna be it's gonna be so sort of a statement like I say look I'm sure my competing companies charge you twice as much as I am oh and then they'll tell you the answer that water correct me oh actually now it's the same or actually you're getting a better deal never underestimate the size desire to correct you Wow because it makes people feel powerful and smart you know you're gonna want to feel smarter than me one of my clients is negotiating a deal for a commercial office building in South Carolina and it's uh it's almost a hundred percent occupancy it's at a mixed-use historic area so it means that the building can't be knocked down and nobody can build it because it's an historic area mm-hmm and so the building's basically impossible to replace in its owner percent occupancy makes no sense to sell the building so they're genuinely thinking why is a seller selling first of all you can't ask why because why makes people defensive if I look at you want to say why did you wear a black shirt yeah it's the thought it's gonna be like do I got to defend the blacks why I'm yeah so you need to find out why we can't ask white because it makes people to us what would you ask there well then again you don't want to ask at all because you're smarter you change you're white why is the what's and it's more likely the respondents saying you know what's making the seller wanna sell so you know what is causing them to do then not why are they selling but instead what my student did was he said well seems to me the sellers selling a cash cow because of a disbelief in the market fundamentals in the future of the building now let me correct you and this is why I'm doing exactly huh and the other side would like not only yeah they get they got a couple buildings that are underwater now I don't I can't imagine a real estate agent answer that question ever I mean this is this is highly confidential all right the prior to hear from you know my cell is desperate for money is is what they what the answer was but because it was a correction and people love to correct they'll correct you without thinking it through it's an involuntary response the desire to sound smarter right you would be right and correct you which is a burning desire and most people because it makes me feel smart more powerful mm-hmm and I'll seize every opportunity to feel smart or more power for you at the table Josh it's like a chess it's emotional check emotional chess I love this how do you take criticism not well I've never really been good at it until I want to say I've mastered it I think I've gotten better over the last six years I started to really like say okay let me not react to this criticism like they probably have some good intention they're trying to tell me and maybe there's some truth there so let me start to listen to the feedback or the criticism and say okay how can I be better is there any truth in there that really resonates or they come from a place of anger or their own thing criticism is mostly fear driven I don't worsen criticizing right yeah yeah and and a you criticize that an important of fact you've been hurt you've been disappointed you've been frustrated you know there's a lot of things so you know never take advice from anybody you wouldn't trade places with criticism is a form of advice but you're afraid to tell people how to do stuff so you just criticize what they do mm-hmm some people and then they get it becomes an addiction for some people criticism is not a great behavior I know you've heard the phrase nobody's doing better than you will ever criticize you right they'll mentor you right so first of all how do I take criticism it I gotta take a step back and understand if somebody's coming at me with just a criticism even if they ask permission to criticize they got some they get struggles that are worse than mine again if they ask you to give you criticism I'm I be you know they're an open wound at that point yeah yeah so I'm not gonna I'm gonna say yeah sure go ahead right I'm gonna they've already told me they're probably coming from a difficult place gotcha gotcha so what I'm gonna try to do is just kind of take it easy on them and understand where they're coming from a blog I'm a big fan of Eric Barker righteous great blog barking up the wrong that's great Eric told me one time for every every hater there's gonna be ten people that are on your side so when a critic comes up three I see that as there are ten people you're indicating to me that I'm successful with nine other people and I'm not gonna get down on this person because it's very easy to get down on them because unfortunately they're coming from a negative place yeah that's good enough what's a role-playing exercise that anyone could do with a friend that would make them a better negotiator sliding get whoever you're talking to to say the magic two words that's right which means you gotta summarize where they're coming from if you hmm in any given interaction you got a point you wanna make yeah before you make it your trigger you're not allowed to make your point so give me the example and you want the other person your well pointing wait to say that's right okay so you were telling me about critics yeah you're a high profile guy you're about helping other people which means you get criticized a lot that's right and when you get criticized I mean I you know I wouldn't say you're empathic I love your I would say you're probably more compassionate those are two different things hmm empathy is you have to have empathy to be compassionate but empathy is not compassion compassion is the next step empathy is a compassionate thing to do genuinely understanding somebody but there's a real fine line there that distinct things and I think you have a tremendous amount of compassion for people so you know that when someone criticizes you they're attacking but you also know that they've been hurt and they're struggling so you want to know how to respond to them and have them better as a result of the interaction instead of coming back and making it feel worse and you struggle with that because you're under attack mm-hmm and you try not to try not to fire back at yeah see when I have a conversation with someone if you could summarize their point of view first summarize the other person's wound when you summarize the other put what the other person struggling with in any type of dealmaker in any type of the business deal relationship buying coffee upgrading whatever it is right gotcha yeah then after that you can make your point make a point or make your proposal or yeah or whatever so if you're trying to get copyrighted if you're trying to get upgrade on the airport you know on a plane or hotel okay or trying to supersize me for free right you're trying to get some type of upgrade for free right we'll just do the same thing would you say I know you're going through it seems like it's been a long day for you well you can look at them till with a nice it's gonna be a long day so right off the base a long day right and then as as soon as you get ready to make your ask what's there in this instinctive response that needs your creation what's that gonna be what I make it ask once you've made your ass uh-huh what's there put of somebody's trying to get something for free yeah what's a typical needs your creation now this person is just trying to get something for free for me right so and everyone does this or there you go everyone's doing this yeah so you woke up and you're like hey look man I know I'm gonna seem like just another jerk who's trying to get something for free somebody who treats you like you were their servant somebody who doesn't care about you could care less whether you live I only care that your law your live long enough to make my coffee because that's what the other guys thinking how do you articulate what they're thinking especially the negative stuff about you when you say that they're gonna be like [Music] but what you did was you just woke them up mm-hmm you know you you won't you snap them out of the negative loop that's in their head because the last guy come in said yeah and I want it now I hate waiting line stuff do you do this all the time all day long are you constantly in a game of negotiation with people it's it's that you know that I brush my teeth today just because I brush them yesterday you know I I debt I genuinely I got to keep my skills up yeah because it's either stay even decline or get better I want to keep my skills up the mercenary in me does it because I got to keep my skills up the missionarying me does it because I actually care about people yeah I just assumed that you had a good day yeah you know that you didn't that my interaction with you didn't leave you worse that my interaction with you left you better everybody we encounter should be left better by the interaction how important is the intention before you walk up to the coffee shop before you go to the hotel before you get on the phone with the the other business owner to make a deal before you have a conversation with your partner about wait going to dinner do you set an intention first like walking into the hotel you like this is what I'm gonna say this is the result that I wanted to get out of this this is the the way I want to leave people feeling the attention the intention is you know I I wanna I want you to have fun with the interaction the other person yeah I wouldn't have fun if I if I if I'm playful if I'm intending for you to have fun you know I'm in a department store yeah I'm joking around with a gibe United Canada and I go I got to tell you what you know what how about if you you mean the employee this right can you play this count I'll say it like that give me an employee discount Guyana store says if I give you the employee discount I'm gonna have to pay for it myself yeah and I go oh pay ya back that's it just like that he went they started walking around asking people how he continued get in and give me the same discount without having to pay it himself he walked around the store for 10 minutes really I and I saw I saw him walk up to manager he's one of someone else's and on his way back another employee walked up to him on the side whispered in his ear anyway okay and he walked up and I get 30% off Wow but you didn't pay him back it was just like a playful I just you know yeah I just I just was being playful about it just being silly about it and what's the best way to get an upgrade at a hotel for you alright so a slightly different take on approach yes my son does this all the time my son Brandon runs my business he's our best negotiator he prides himself when we all come into a hotel he's got to be in a better room than me and I'm the boss that's hilarious and as far as I'm concerned I'm paying the bills yeah of course he got an upgraded in a hotel one one time that I couldn't even get on the floor I mean a special key yeah good good you mean the other guys were gonna hey we'll come up to your room because none I got I guess I got to come get you no I said no we'll just come knock on your door let's know you can't even get on a floor long you paid less for his room than I paid for mine well I'm the boss they walk up to somebody and say I'm getting ready to make your day your day the most difficult day you ever worked here and he says just somebody works behind the counter or hotel I mean God knows what they've seen you know have you got a head in the bag do you wanna are you gonna have ritual sacrifice in a room right you know what have you done you've done cuz in a hotel they've seen every every kind of sort of crazy thing you could imagine and they just go oh god what is it he goes I'm just gonna be another self-centered person looking for a free upgrade they're like oh my god that's it that's it oh yeah and they're there immediately through the roof then I start checking in and this is it yeah you know uh yeah I tell you what let me let me give you this room it's on its own exclusive floors in a Presidential Suite president ain't comin so I'm gonna give you the president I know the president ain't coming tonight we're holding a suite for him just in case you could have it he's not gonna be here Wow I remember for my interview the last time I think if my memory is right you would say one of the strategies is leading with like being challenging in a certain way or I'm gonna be like I'm gonna be demanding a lot isn't that something that you talk to a little bit yes you know that way right yeah I'm gonna if if I know you're gonna react negatively yeah to my ask I will give you a preview that makes it worse look worse than whatever it's gonna be yeah so what do you call that that for lack of a better term it's emotional anguish emotional anchoring emotional anchoring you know we don't do price angry you know but we'll do emotional angry if if you're not gonna like what I have to say I'm gonna say look you know like this right and then I'm gonna shut up because your mail is gonna kick into gear and you're gonna think that I'm gonna insult you your parent they just your family you genealogies everything cuz the amygdalas gonna go into overdrive so whatever I ask for after that it's gonna be relief and I'm doing that also because I need to keep an eye on how you feel when we're done mm not as much how you feel at the start but how do you feel when we're done so you want so I'm gonna be it's okay if they start off in a lower energetic or negative attitude as long as when you finish they feel like okay it got better over time yeah you feel good at the end the last impression is a lasting impression interesting and that's unavoidable yeah it's it's what we refer to as a law of gravity it doesn't you know we have gravity we can't explain why gravity works but you're still not gonna step off the balcony because gravity is it right the last impression is a lasting impression no matter what thing so I need to more than anything else make sure that the last impression is positive or at least feels collaborative or your business partner with someone or you've been in and out a long negotiation for six months or so either one I've been a business partner working together for a year or two or you've been trying to find a deal with someone else for a year or two right and I'll take it too long both options have taken too long that haven't you haven't been getting the results you want and you feel like you've been taking advantage of a little bit let's just say that how do you and it's going you started off good and it's going the opposite way right it's getting worse and worse how do you finalize it so that it goes back to a high or a higher mark leaving you feeling better and leaving the other person feeling better okay or you get out of it yeah where you just get out of it but you just say okay I'm gone bye I don't want to talk to you how do you not burn a bridge if you're in that situation I probably say some of the effective look you're not gonna like this to start with the emotional anchoring right interesting this isn't for me and I'm sorry but I'm afraid I can't do it anymore now my problem here has been that I like you mm-hmm I've always liked you and the stuff that we've done together successfully he's been phenomenal and I would like nothing better than at some point of time the future for us to be able to get back to that mmm but for right now in order to preserve the memories of the positive things we've done I'm gonna be I'm out now well how do I remember that so every time what situation I can say that same thing what's a little bit of a sequence and the sequence is we need to stop what we're doing right now but if we're gonna stop what we're doing right now what everybody thinks of is where's this going in the future so I get I got to create a point in time for the future that we're both happy with so there's still a bridge there you know there's still there's still an out tax all the future yeah maybe it's a year maybe maybe that's never gonna happen but you keep it open I'm open to it I want I'm finishing positively but I am finishing yeah because you the last words that I the last two sentences maybe even just a last sentence I've got a ring in your ears over and over and over because that's what your brain is always gonna go back to the last impression how did I make you feel at the end I make you I make make you feel valued and you're gonna appreciate the fact that I walked away without calling your name mmm but I walked away right that's hard to do yeah it well it's hard get you get you practicing yoga practice yeah you know you just you work on a few times most of the time what people have at the end is is a the battle for the last word is when the last word is a cheap shot all right that's when people's for you to hang out right and I'm gonna call you back to say screw you right back and then I'm gonna hang up yeah you know there's a battle of the last words of profit or last words of cheap shot but when the last word is a positive thing it's not a problem it's always ending a positive positive words right even if you feel taken advantage of even if they hurt you even if they screwed you over or whatever you should always try to hand in a positive way yeah without question because if you're talking to them then your goal was to resolve things and to have a great relationship now you might say that at the very beginning of the interaction but it's more important to say it at the end mmm-hmm you know my goal was always to have a great relationship with you and if we can get out of this dynamic that would be my goal again but right now I'm out but understand that at any point in time we can go back to working collaboratively I'd love to do it well that's good yeah so usually what it is is take take what you said at the beginning and at least say it again at the end that's good what is something that you did is a hostage negotiator with terrorists around the world that you use today in just common interactions is there something that you did at the height of like this intense conversation that you knew you do on a daily basis pretty much everything I'm talking about yeah you know I'm gonna I'm gonna make a verbal observation on how the processing things you know it seems like it seems like it sounds like it feels like things yeah yeah that's the bread butter of great hostage negotiation really yeah it's having them be seen or heard yeah cuz I understood you know people are taking actions to make a point what happens if you could make the point without taking the action they're taking action is to make a point right and you're saying you don't need to take that action cuz I hear you yeah let me see what happens if I can if I can if you and it makes no sense at all but I'm going to take probably 90% of a terrorist agenda away just by making them feel heard making a him or her feel her ah then then I'll deal with whatever I have to afterwards but let's say I could only take away 10% of their agenda by making feel yeah what what if I could only take away 1% of their actions by making them feel hurt that's worth the investment to me it's worth it let me see what's left over after they feel hurt less less fingers their cutting off less people they're blowing up whatever right yeah Wesson yeah what is uh what's the best approach say I'm looking to buy a company I'm looking to acquire something I really like this software this tool this agency I want to buy what's the best approach without seemingly or thinking like oh if I come to them like I'm to needy I really want them that I'm giving them all the power okay what's the best approach if someone that wants to buy something yeah completely counterintuitive what are all their arguments for making you pay the high price state them first because what that actually does is it leaves them with nothing to say so eight mile oh very nice exactly right hey Milo yeah we used to least use it that day clip from eight mile all the time so good articulate everything they got to say so for instance if I'm an agency you want to buy me right my community what would you say if I'm like my business is growing we've got endless attention we're helping clients with big results we're we're growing as fast as possible and you're like wow this company is really growing we got to get him now before they're too big what would you call me up on the phone do you write me an email Bennett hey hey I wanna meet for coffee what's the best approach not person email following videoconferencing you could have it anyway alright I'd say look I probably say right off the bat like like I'm completely blown away with what you're doing you guys are phenomenal you're on the upswing you guys are killing it I'm gonna seem like a cheapskate I'm gonna seem like I'm trying to get something for nothing so emotional anchoring yeah is it a ridiculous idea for us to talk about it you show me your company well getting something for nothing is that he said - yeah Wow okay because I'd start off with appreciation yeah I've lowered your expectations of me and see the last thing that I did also was I did what we refer to as a know oriented question but instead of saying would you like to buy would you like me to would you like to talk to me about selling your company I'd say is it a ridiculous idea for that's to talk about you selling me your company well if I say yeah it's kind of ridiculous and we're done I never had a shot to begin with uh see this is about keeping me out of deals that either I'm never gonna make or I don't wanna leave so it's a view six months your life potentially in a two minute phone call right but if they say yeah we're growing super fast it'd be it'd be it'd be hard for me to really want to sell right now but you know you made me a great offer me I'd be open yeah I'd say sounds to me like there's just no way that I'm able to ever make it does I need a great offer yeah if you say something like that to me what you're actually doing is trying to get a really high bit out of me to soothe your ego mm-hm you want to go back to the boys and say you know what we're worth 150 million dollars and I turned it down mmm because in five years were gonna be worth 450 million Wow so that kind of look that kind of a question is you want to bid for me to make you feel good hmm you're not seriously gonna buy it by laying it out like that you're you're not seriously gonna entertain selling what if you as a business owner were like we really we really need something like this we need an agency like this to help us grow what if you're in a position like we got to find an agent like this it's not this agency someone close to it in order to help us grow would you say okay let me go to the other options internally to yourself or would you keep that one open so you can potentially come back in six months if something happens or well then then my the last thing I'm probably gonna say is how do I help you grow faster than you've got the means to get there on your own hmm you know my guess is based on your rate of improvement what would you say is a high high multiple of how much you guys are gonna grow mmm how you get there we have to start talking about because now and this is this is a typical dilemma for a lot of companies that are buying other companies because the company wants to sell today is more worried about today's price as opposed to the amount of money that they could be worth in the future and they're leaving this future money on the table yeah like let's say your company's worth nine million dollars but you had a buddy sell his company for 12 so you're not taking less than 12 for your company now it's worth 9 I can only buy it for 8 yeah but I can take you to 200 in 3 years so you got to show them the future potential as opposed to now the contrast the the fear of loss is our ultimate decision-making tool people most of the time will sacrifice the future because of the present but what you need to do is not sacrifice the future over the present so I'll say to you so 2 million dollars today is worth more to you than 130 million dollars in 3 years wow that's good and then you go like wait a minute no it doesn't make any sense it seemed very frailer for people right because people who almost always framed on the wrong thing yeah almost always framed on today as opposed to work who we beat my favorite way to say no which I got you know the how question before uh-huh the favorite way to say no was how am I supposed to do that just real calm deference there's great power deference you know that's and that's what I did in kidnappings bank robberies everything how am I supposed to do and what if they say I don't care figure it out or she's dead well then you know that you've pushed them as far as you can and that means you got to pivot to something else now that and and that's actually where you want to get to because the strategy of negotiation is find out you want to max every time if you can and the only way to max that is to find out that I've hit you to the full limit without making you angry enough that you slam your hands down and walk away because even your reaction when someone or you shoot someone you reaction to this now it was like look you got to do it or things are gonna go back and it was one of my one of my students here in town was negotiating for for a luxury client to rent a house in Hollywood Hills and you know 20 grand a month was a rental mmm and they were trying to get the rental or they were trying to at least try to get it and so the person said of 20 grand a month right and and and it's for very well his clients extremely wealthy so that you know and you negotiated wealthy market the other side always think she got all the money in a woman and so he just said you know how am I supposed to do that and he said okay well and they shifted the terms and it cut the price and he moved a bunch of other terms around then they negotiated for a while longer and then he said again on the price this is how my client how's my client supposed to pay that and the really says if you climb one side she's kind of pac-man you got a deal when the other side says if you want it you have to do it mmm-hmm which will come app usually after the second third time that you said how am I supposed to do that knock it down a little more on a car real estate deal whatever it is now now you've maxed that time now you move on to something else so you make the deal but you needed to know that you pushed it as far as you could have mm-hmm without them storming out without them saying Chris Foss is not any fun to deal with I would never do business with him again they how am I supposed to do that in a deferential way they still feel in control not you're not saying screw that's too much like what are you out of your mind you're right and if you don't make the deal at that point that what they say after the fact they say you know I didn't make a deal but I deal with them again mm-hmm you know they're all right they're all right to uh to deal with did they get the lease there how much again again how much you know they they knocked it down to less than 20 either they got some softness on some other terms yeah and then they cut the deal for that there you go I wish I was paying 20 grand a month for a lot of money for a house 20 grand a month Wow it's a rich rich student yeah often a lot of lucrative deals yeah yeah so you're saying what is the importance of empathy in a negotiation when I'm hearing you say it's is extremely important and that's why you feel like a woman would be a better negotiator in general because they add more empathy in general or well it's the shortest most people have confused sympathy with empathy okay what's the difference empathy is I can see you're upset it's just identifying how you feel sympathy is like wow I feel bad for you Oh feeling sorry or bad for someone is simple sympathy it's it is in fact envy it doesn't help anybody like I don't care if you feel bad for me right I could care less so sympathy is not a good thing sympathy is a weakness as a negotiator negotiation empathy is a good thing empathy and tactical empathy okay we've really taken a pass just empathy in general mm-hmm like we've been doing this long enough that I know what I'm looking for before we sit down I know that I need to find out the stuff that our negative emotions for you because I need to get them out of the way of the deal and I need to find out the stuff that a positive emotions for you because I want to reinforce that to make the deal and I know that the negatives are gonna have be a bigger deal to you than a positive so so if can you give me example this in a business deal what that wouldn't well if I don't if I don't like doing business with Donald Trump at all and if he get if he's annoyed me to the point where I get enough satisfaction keeping money out of his hands I won't make that deal hmm or if I'm at a business deal where the other side and I've thought about this like you annoy me so much that I don't want you to get any that I'll take less money to keep you out right how do would you eliminate something like that that negative in the deal so that you could well then then say like if I think that you're negative towards to being able to say look I'm sure it seems like I'm greedy here if I say to you like I'm sure I'm gonna seem very greedy here that sets me up to ask for a lot of money because there's actually um science that backs us up now identifying a negative diminishes at every time so if I'm gonna make a get big grab for the money you're gonna think I'm greedy and I need to get that out of the way because if I'm too greedy you're gonna you're gonna get some satisfaction by keeping me from the money even if you don't get any right and so I'm gonna say look I'm gonna seem real greedy here I'm gonna seem like I'm very self-centered and then I'm greedy and then I'm not looking out for you at all and then I'll just let it sit and you'll take a lot more from me a lot a lot you you'll allow me to take more if I've said that at everybody up front really because I've diminished that your thought is like I mean how I could never seem too greedy when I make that grab you're gonna say well he was honest with me told me you wanted a lot of money he didn't try to say hey look let's do win-win deal not give me all the money right because if I say I want to do win-win deal with you I'm like hey I'll be nice to you look out for you and then try to take 90 and give me 10 it's like no it's not a good deal yeah but when you say it upfront then you're more likely to get the deal yeah and get more or whatever you want right I'm gonna seem very honest to you but you're gonna like that I was honest with you and you gonna say after the fact like look he was on I always knew where he was coming from I didn't like the deal but I did it anyways or whatever yeah ha okay but yeah that's crazy it's that's just this stuff that we found out the works regularly we had talk about another one we talk about the book there was a multi-million dollar deal going down Washington DC the subcontractor was very unhappy with the general contractor and female negotiator and they were getting ready to lose everything and they sat down and they said you know I'm sure we seem like the big guy that doesn't care about you I'm sure we seem like the big general contractors trying to take complete advantage of the sub and not appreciate how hard you working for this and not care about your future at all and she turned that deal around when she was done she took an additional million of profit on herself and her company and the other side liked them more so not only did they increase the profit but they had a better relationship this is why being honest upfront or empathetic or I can see how you might feel that we're gonna do this a tactical approach while there are negatives here we're gonna address the negatives up Friday we're gonna make them go away address of up front most people don't want to do it I already did that do you know when I did that to you when I've already done it everyone we talked about doing the one-on-one role play yeah I said it was gonna be harm that's true you set it up fine yeah and I always I always do that every single time the same way because if you do the role play with me no matter how it goes I you know you're gonna feel like you were beaten beaten up right but least you told me I was gonna be right and you can't come out as I said shocking horrible you know you can't ever say well he's saying banged me you know he caught me off guard right and then then what I always do then I defuse a negative and then I pitch the positive and most people pitch the positive and hopefully negative will go away they sandwich the negative positive negative positive save I don't like saying which at all start with the negative thought with the negative and I said and you will learn more than anyone else so how do you do that in our business deal where you start with okay I'm sure you think we're horrible we're trying to get more than we should or will you don't walk it to the table you could make a really educated guess on what the other side is gonna think of you if you're a big business dealing with a small business if you're David and Goliath you know that before you get to the table right flip side around if you new to the industry and you try to work your way into the industry how do you look to somebody who's been in the industry you look like an intruder mm-hmm you know I'm sure I look like an intruder I'm sure I look wet behind the ears I'm sure I look like I don't have any experience in this area because if I'm new to the industry and I'm talking to somebody's been in the industry for a while what I want is money you've got I want a piece of your pie it's a nice big pie here and I want to take a big bite I'm right if I'm new to the industry and so on and and you it doesn't take a genius to talk it through go like yeah somebody who's new the industry is trying to handle the wind I got no respect for people who've already been there and I'll say that you know I'm sure I'm sure look like an intruder here so how do you how do you frame the positive afterwards then you go look like an intruder but and then I'll say and there's money to be made here that wasn't there otherwise because if I'm new to the industry especially if I'm bringing a deal in I'm bringing you found money mmm the worst thing I could do is say hey look I got some fine money for you let me bring this to you sure you're gonna be like you ain't bringing me nothing I'm fine I can pay my bills before you walked in the door I want you to pay my bills so but I want to make that point so else I got somewhere I'm going I'm gonna say you know I'm sure I'm look like an intruder and I'm not appreciative of what beyond two years you've been here for a thousand years I you know I don't know anything mmm it's always lead with the negative or the elephant identify the elephant that's exactly right it's negative but the the the elephant in the room identified an elephant always gets smaller every time you call the elephant a room out again and there's a subtle difference to never deny it like five reefs and I'm sure I seem like it a true dur which is good and if I say to you I don't want you to think I'm an intruder that's a denial that's gonna say I am an intruder yeah and your mind yeah I'm coming into this new I'm coming to this yeah denial magnifies negatives the subtle difference between denial and observation mmm and if I say look man I don't know what you think I'm gonna true dur here I don't know what you're thinking what behind the years and I don't know what I'm doing immediately you're thinking that I denied it hmm and that's why that subtle difference is night and day in negotiations that subtle difference makes all of it I had I'm doing when I'm working on my book deal I don't know my agent will listen to this or not but I oh really my agent one time because I'm a bad client if somebody's negotiating on my behalf because it's so important to him I'm gonna jump in with no warning of course I listen to you this is where I was supposed to be done yeah yeah yeah I can't I only sit back for so long and so I'm getting ready I'm jumping in the middle of this price negotiation with a potential writer the part with the writer okay you know before I came across tall tall as a superstar yes he's the best business book writer on a plane he's right and and so before I came across tall working with us trying to get some going with another guy and I jumped in in the middle of it with no warning without telling my agent so I did it in an email and then I constructed an email to my agent at the same time now if somebody's supposed to be keeping her mouth shut or negotiation the name you might call them might be a loose cannon okay somebody who pipes up when they're supposed to shut up sure and they don't check with anybody else loose cannon so I said I craft an email to my agent at the same time and I first I wrote a role in the first time I'll admit I said I don't want you to think I'm a loose cannon and then I went back and edited it and I said I'm sure I seem like a you know he couldn't deny it right you weren't denying it you were but this is predictable negative she seemed like an oops I said I'm sure I seemed like a loose cannon sent him the email as soon as he read it he sent me back I know I don't I always respect a bold move Wow so I'd I'd call the negative out it doesn't take a genius to figure it out and just call it out identify the elephant in the room don't deny it if I just say no I'd marry no elephant a room rabbi yes there is sure and and he is responded immediately we part of negotiating with the publisher as well if you let him do the job now he you know you need an ancient force really understand terms and conditions yeah and any a great source of Intel and so with the deal came through plus I'm gonna try to get every last dollar and I don't try to get every last percentage you wanted to be a win-win well I want I want you to work it to do business with me in the future if I cut you throat you're not gonna want to continue to do business or if they don't make out what they thought they wanted to and then right yeah right so yeah in fact even though I don't use the words win-win yeah why not because of just because I first of all it's it's shorthand for whip win hmm or so only only only two people really actually will throw that out of a negotiation someone who needs to be a stronger negotiator or it's a thousand it's almost a thousand percent now you know if somebody says when went to me early on I know they're communicating to me they're gonna try to make this deal without giving me any money really I just don't think that way when I say it though but maybe that's well let's be and you're naturally collaborative guy yes and you got a lot of you got a lot of non tangible as to throw on the table to make it a great deal right and a lot of people that have a thought up those non tangible to non-monetary stuff to make it a great deal right they just know that they got no money right and if you approach the table and you got no money how you gonna make that deal a lot of people think well I got a let's make it win-win alright and I'm so wonderful to deal with right right you'll just be famous if you deal with gotcha gotcha okay so what do you say instead of that I want to make this good for you and good for me well also I start I start throwing up stuff that really that's really good for me that's not not gonna cost you a dime and what a brainstorm with you like crazy as much as I can and then I'll get you brainstorming and I was I'm in a discussion today to possibly go to a conference in Chicago and I already know in advance they got like nothing for fees right yeah so and so and we start brainstorming and the young lady I'm gonna phone with she says well is there anybody that might come to the conference that you would want to meet and I and my thought was I don't know who's at the conference but I you know I think a really a profession that wants to get better at negotiation is not afraid to admit it our baseball scouts a little foam or I'm gonna play with a baseball scout just yesterday and he say like look is a scout I'm outside of prospects on these million-dollar deals we could have a several hundred thousand dollar swing and a given deal I'm not a negotiator I was scout so it occurs to me these Scouts are out there trying to find talent and then they have never had time to become better than ago she aims and said my father finding out the hard way you can learn my stuff really fast I gave his guy copy of my book I said you don't want read the first 10 pages if you can't use it then you know you don't ever have to talk to me again mm-hmm the first 10 pages you learn some stuff you can use right away so I'm gonna fun with this girl for this conference today and I go like all right look I think I could I could really help out professional baseball organizations to their Scouts maybe not they're GM's who do a hundred million dollar deals but put me in a room with the guys that are doing a million dollar team and I said so if you know anybody for the Cubs on the White Sox just give me an introduction and we'll talk about it that'd be worth me going to his conference for nothing if I get if I get a good introduction to something to leave me to business yeah and she's like ah she's on you know I'll check into that cuz she's right there they're running a big conference and and it's it's very much good for Chicago and it's good for business people and most professional sports franchises come to know that what's good for the community is good for them so that it becomes in effect when with Rises don't use those times [Music] how do you become the smartest person in the room you know look for emotions first emotions yeah you know what if I figure out what's driving you like if I can tell what you're passionate about and you're passionate about getting better and you're passionate about helping other people mm-hmm and your passion about healthy competition mm-hmm and you are fueled by a great feeling of achievement of competition at the same time and you're more likely to do stuff and engage in activities that fuel both of those things at the same time right and the openly competitive people or either openly competitive because competition makes it feel good or it's a defensive thing mm-hmm and you need to know the difference between somebody who attacks you because they're being defensive and afraid they're gonna get hurt they're very fear driven yes and a person that's attacking you because it is very competitive and a very competitive type just likes competition makes a great ally whereas a person who's attacking you out of fear they're not good long-term allies cuz they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna feel at some point in time they got to screw you before you screw them Wow it's so understanding that distinctions are those drivers those two people look almost exactly the same okay I dated I had a phenomenal social relationship with a woman who was in real estate here in town three or four years ago and she was she was very she was fear of loss overwhelmingly fear of loss driven in relationships and business and everything right she was always she was always just horrified that she was getting cheated and and she didn't have great she didn't have great business partnerships she was very successful but not a lot of great partners mmm and that's a it's a slight change you know there's a two-millimeter change there between the competitive because I like competition or the aggressive assaultive because I'm afraid of getting cheated and I neither let those different because gonna tell me what kind of a party you're gonna be how do you know the differences just by being aware listening and yeah you know you the emotional intelligence comes to you really fast what you start looking for it right that's why that some people are really good at cold reads mmm one of the classes I'm teaching at Georgetown right now there's a really brilliant young lady who's Afghani and she loves a cold read you know starting to make educated guesses about somebody real Mike yes and she's talking to a cab driver the other day and the cab driver turns around and looks at it says did my wife send you ha ha ha because she guessed she gets a guy's daughter's name she guess a lot of things that were accurate about his daughter and his wife just based on a quick interaction Wow for her it was a game which is another thing if it becomes fun for you you pick it up faster right so you could get really good at this as soon as you start trying to look and it's amazing it'll also go away quickly too got to watch a muscle yeah yeah atrophy exactly right you got it you got a train on it well what's a word you'd never say in a negotiation well the worst thing to say business deals are personal relationships here and the pitfall was coming on whose mouth that's coming out of like do you ever say no or do you ever say you know I might need to say no I'll probably I like to let know out a little at a time which is actually how we're supposed to do that is the first way that I say no that's no without saying no right that's that's saying no to what's on the table but not no to you let's figure if we can work this out there may come a point in time when I when I say no said and done but I'm gonna need to explore every option there I mean I don't saying here and yes is a bad thing to hear so don't say yes yeah yes it enough selves I would much rather say you know okay I'll do it I'd love I love to say you went because when you win you're gonna perform mmm yes there's nothing without how I need you to perform at a top level you perform at a higher level when you feel like you win if i if i here if you look at me we make it daily say okay well that's a resign - okay and we're gonna run into trouble when we go to implement cuz the minute anything bad could happen by you by your inaction you know there's a phrase never be mean to someone who could hurt you by doing nothing hmm which nearly everybody can't hurt you by doing nothing right um so saying okay I'll do it right or yes you went are you in right right so yeah I want you to feel like you want you win so got the better end of the deal yeah cuz are you are you gonna hold to the deal if you got the best end of the deal of course I love you bracket but awesome yeah I got the better end huh right so you win okay I'll do it you win because you both um together if I said that's good cuz you want if you say it it's bad to me because you feel beat mm-hmm I don't want you to I don't want you to feel beaten right which is what a real big problems with negotiation because since I've been getting helping people get better at it like I get more stories of guys says let me tell you about this deal I had them over a barrel there was nowhere for them to go you know for all intents purposes I took them hostage well I guarantee you that the person they beat was as passive aggressive as possible on the implementation of that deal but if you let out its money on the table didn't feel good about right right it's always make the other person feel like they got the better end of the deal right right they won and yeah they would and it was their idea it was their idea I like your idea I'll do it something like that yeah okay yeah that that's really good and so that's why the one usually the one-word answers of yes and no those are also frequently misunderstood you know the three kinds of yeses there's commitment confirmation counterfeit and most people are used to getting lured into a trap with yes you know would you like to make more money is it a true this is the offseason you know whatever setup yes sir it okay yeah you know what's leading someplace yes what am i what my students is on a honeymoon and he's want to get a an upgrade on his bungalow and it's the offseason in this in this resort now what they typically do is they cut prices on on their basic rooms Hahnemann Suites but not the honeymoon lines and he but he knows they're all vacant now what he does wanna cut price on a regular room he wants a honeymoon suite and he starts out the conversation was like you know isn't it true this is the offseason the general manager knows is a trap there it's more than say the guy starts going sideways on him immediately all right he didn't say yes right he didn't want to say yes cuz he knows that yes his commitment and yes is probably a trap and he knows I don't know where you're going with this but you're going someplace that's what he said yeah what happened well then and so then my student realized that you know he fell into this just yes trap thing mmm so he had to kind of get it kind of get back out of it and they started talking instead of trying to get yeses and noes I don't we started describing the situation it started showing up a little bit yeah well I'm sure you know a lot of guys don't like me coming we want a room we don't want to pay anything for it you get so many tourists that are in here in the offseason and they're cheap that's why they're here in the offseason anyway cuz I cheap to start with an didn't want to pay anything for for anything anyway now the managers appreciate where guys come from he is leading with the negative right he ends up getting the upgrade really yeah free cuz he built a relationship and yeah the guy the guy the guy's got an empty room yeah they would mean somebody could hurt you by doing nothing not giving you the the empty room is doing nothing mmm-hmm you know you want this guy to give you a favor and he doesn't own the hotel and those rooms are normally vacant anyway so his owner whoever owns the hotel they're not mad at him because those rooms are empty they expected it to be empty yeah so he's got options you know ultimately you want to make the pitch like you know you give me that upgrade I'm gonna be a fan for life I'm gonna tell her somehow I tell all my friends about this something I've done for like the last ten years a friend of mine told me this line that he's like you know if you ever won an upgrade if you ever won like something better in the deal and use this line and I swear I've been using it maybe it's been wrong but I love your opinion I say what's the chance you can help me with this all right so that's it that's a what question to start what's the chance two things about that that I like first of all to what question yeah and secondly what's the chance you can upgrade me you're elevating the person when you ask it for out so you're giving them power right right the opportunity to have power right yeah so there's and and I don't know that I'd change that sense at all I might say in advance like look this is really gonna seem greedy of me mm you know because you can't you can't leave me with the negative ad lead with a negative if you try to call out a negative that's not there you won't plant it if you try to deny a negative that's not there you plant that baby and that's why you have to know the difference between a denial in a straight observation and those that's a subtle difference because you're good you're probably gonna want to say before you ask the guy for a discount you're probably gonna say this guy's gonna think I'm cheap and I'm greedy I don't want him to think that mm-hmm so if you mentioned at all you get instinct to say look like I don't want to I want you I don't want you think I'm cheap and greedy that's a denial that plans it so I bet you might think that I'm being a little gray shirt I'm sure my cross I'm being greedy but what's the chance you can help you can upgrade me yeah yeah you can support me and getting up and so if you're asking for an upgrade is you event that guy's gonna know that's not greedy you wanna you wanna thinking oh you want I'm saying them hmm knows a great answer because when somebody says no they'd just protected and defended themselves like it's ridiculous you'll be stunned that what people are willing to say no to have you just absolutely stunned I'm coaching a guy who's working on a new position with the city of Beverly Hills and they they're constructing since it's a new position he sees his job descript and he wants to take but it's problem the way they put it together yeah and he says how do I negotiate with these guys because this job district description is not gonna make it work and I said look at look look at him across the table and say do you want me to fail and their answers no but I said well look at how this is set up but you know I'd love to have this job but he instead of saying he wants to sit down with him and say hey look this is never gonna work the way you guys designed this right you can't say that that can't say that they're coming from defense mode or something right right right now there he goes it away well you say because when you say you do you want me to fail I mean it that's that's they're not to help you yeah they say no they protect themselves you then coming to the other guys rescue and when you you punch it a lot of really powerful emotional triggers are would you say to somebody you want me to fail hmm and and one way or the other I mean we try to sit down and think of the most ridiculous question that they would never say yes to like if at the end of the negotiation if I kick if my one of my last things I was gonna say is like if you can't budge at all I'll st. all right well look seems like you're powerless here Oh nobody wants to say yes oh wow he's like there's nothing you could do it seems like completely powerless here and they'll put you on hold they'll find a way to help seems like you're powerless you can't help me it sounds like you're powerless here right no we everyone say yesterday Wow that is powerful yeah do you use that a lot when you're at the individual yell or anything or something indeed of any deal if we haven't come to an agreement that that I'm happy with that'll be the last thing I'll say it seems like there's nothing I could say and it seems like you're powerless it seems like nothing that you could say to them to get what you need right or for them to move on deal points and it seems like you're powerless right they're powerless right that's powerful so yeah we allowed of people have cut deals by they thought it was completely in the tank they're actually just trying to end positively it's really it's critical to end positively mm-hmm so give me one little extra thing then if you know they want to end positively not like yeah I'm powerless here so let's do the deal yeah okay I'll throw in this or I'll give you this yeah like I make it I make it a regular part like my credit cards almost all them got fees mm-hmm and I called every year ask him to waive the fee yeah and and they almost always do they tell the guy says well we waived the fee on you the last five years a row it sounds like you're powerless here yeah I won't say yeah I'll say that I'll say it sounds like you're absolutely powerless here sounds like you're nothing doesn't you could do and they'll put me on hold yes let me see what I could do Michael wants to be powerless oh wow that's great thank you so much for watching this video if you enjoyed this make sure to click the like button subscribe and turn on the notification bell and if you want more greatness in your life then you gotta check out this video right here anxiety is not expressed anxiety becomes suppressed we suppress it and the suppression then turns to depression

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 529,325

Rating: 4.8864241 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Voss, Chris Voss interview, art of negotiation, chirs voss masterclass, never split the difference, lewis howes, lewis howes interview, school of greatness, inspiration, motivation, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, motivational video, inspirational video, how to influence people, how to negotiate in business, how to negotiate, how to deal with criticism, success habits, how to become successful, success, success principles, wealth

Id: _UaH98O7ku8

Length: 84min 2sec (5042 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 17 2020