Father Mike Schmitz: "Why Can't We Be Friends?" | SLS18

okay we're just okay we're just gonna that clocks going we got to start um I want to thank you guys and I have you know I get get stopped in the hallway and I feel like a tool I'm like you know I got to go to the bathroom you guys stop stop talking to me and or like I'm going to pray and I if you started to stop me and I'm like if only if you walk with me I'm like what the heck I'm at the president like it is an episode of The West Wing where it's like no come with me now you know I'm like what the heck I am you guys thank you the reality is being a disciple of Jesus is not about a stage following Christ is not made on a stage it doesn't give someone a platform we off to ask ourselves this question what I rather be a follower of Christ or be known as a follower of Christ what do either be a Christian or be known as the Christian where I rather be a faithful Catholic or just be known as the one who's the faithful Catholic this is true when it comes to following Christ it also is true when it comes to being a friend we're talking about friendship tonight when I rather be a good friend or what I want to be known as the one who's the good friend because that stuff doesn't happen in public it happens in private it happens in those moments when no one sees you know Sarah mentioning friendship is so good it was so good one of the things that reminded me of was Ecclesiastes 4 chapter 10 here's what it says it says two are better than one if one Falls the other will lift up his friend but woe to the one who has no friends for a fee should fall he has no one to lift him up if you're gonna ask me 10 years ago follow Mike who's your best friend I honestly I would probably say well I I don't I don't know I had friends in high school I liked him a lot had a lot of fun good good people I don't talk anymore I had great friends in college I was roommates with the same guy all through college great guy super awesome don't talk to him anymore and good buddies in in seminary really good men that I don't talk to anymore and there's people that I work with on mission and I love it and it's good and they're great people and we have fun and we work hard and and but if he's my best friend I don't know if I had if you asked me ten years ago who's your best friend I don't I'd have to say I don't think I have one I don't think I've ever had one ever because all those kind of friendships are good but they're all kind of based around like you know we work together so it's useful brakes Bay it's based around like we have fun together so it's a it's what they call Pleasant friendship we spaced on the fact that we live in the same city or go to the same school in the same major and so it's it's convenient it's a geographic friendship and it's good those things are good but those are the kinds of friendships you settle for they're not the kind you strive for so what kind of friendship could we strive for you know in the Old Testament kind of the basically the the image of friendship in the Old Testament is between two men Jonathan and David I think sometimes we approached honest and David and we think like oh I know why there are friends I mean like Jonathan's like okay I guess like you work for my dad so like let's be buddies like if David's like well I married your sister I guess we're brothers-in-law we can get along or like we have the same whatever the kind of thing is McGruff roughly the same age because a lot of times that's how our friendships are they're incidental they're not intentional too often our friendships are incidental they're not intentional and we might think that the friendship between David and Jonathan is the same thing same as our friendships but their friendship was radically different it wasn't incidental it was absolutely on purpose but if I've never experienced that myself man it's tough to understand isn't it and then along comes focus and they say that to be a part of focus you know they they say friendships is one of the most important and most powerful like means of evangelizing the friendships is one of the most empowered and important means of evangelizing and we think we hear that and we're like oh yeah so I guess it's not manipulating people through a relationship I could become friends with you so I can you give me part of my Bible study it feels forced right if you'll speak sometimes and sometimes we can get into this this mindset that says that when I look at people I see a project not a person I know that so many of you that's your experience and be the building my Bible study it's it's like focus wants me to look at them like a project not a person that's not true because discipleship must be rooted in friendship but it can't be the kind of pleasant friendship it can't be the kind of friendships of convenience it can't even be useful friendship it has to be this thing called virtuous friendship or else it's not gonna work it has to be virtuous friendship or it's not gonna work a different kind of friendship friendship that is not incidental but is intentional what I mean by that is it's on purpose you've actually made the decision this is the person that I'm gonna run with this is the person I'm gonna fight with this the person I'm gonna fight for its intentional not incidental and it's not just on a purpose it's for a purpose it's because you recognize something in that person you say yes if you had that experience we look at someone else and you're like yes that's it that's the that's what I that's the race I want to run that's the fight that I want to be a part of that's the kind of person that I want to become and you see something in them that you've always longed for did you always want it to be this is the heart this is the beginning really of a virtuous friendship of an intentional friendship and you even have this in between our buddies Jonathan David again it's not incidental it's absolutely intentional because I'm gonna read you two scriptures from first Samuel the first words from chapter 17 and it's very common you might have already known this this is chapter 17 where David faces down Goliath I love this because it's just it shows the heart of the man David so we know the story there's just man Goliath he's a experienced soldier he's challenging the forces of Israel to a battle system one-on-one let's do this thing mean on the valley of ella and whoever wins that army wins and no one no one was coming forward in David Young shepherd boy says this David spoke to Saul let your majesty not new let not lose courage I'm at your service I'll go fight this Philistine but Saul answered David you cannot go up there and fight with a Philistine you're only a youth he's been a warrior since his youth this is when David tells Solomon I love this your servant used to attend his father's sheep and whenever a lion or a bear came to carry off a sheep from the flock I would go after it and I would attack it and I rescue its prey from its mouth I just think like wait let's just pause for a little like be a moment of David like he just yeah well you're playing Nintendo here's David and a lion or a bear comes along and he's like oh no there's a lion a bear a tiger oh my he goes and chases it down seized it by the jaw strike it and kill it your servant has killed both a lion and a bear and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them why because he has insulted the armies of the Living God he goes on to say the Lord who delivered me from the claws of the lion and the bear who will also keep me safe from the clutches of this Philistine now why is that important one of the reasons is important why is this important it comes to friendship is because when Jonathan sees this he sees himself this is chapter 17 of First Samuel if you rewind three chapters to chapter 14 of 1st Samuel you have another story maybe it's a story you've never heard before it's about Jonathan Jonathan is the son of Saul he's the son of the king he's the heir and it says this that the Philistines attacked Israel and they surrounded it so what does Jonathan do well I'm the Prince you know I'm just gonna hang back with my dad I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna stay away from the fight because I'm a really important person I don't know guys I don't know if you know this Jonathan chapter 14 son of Saul said to his armor-bearer he come let's go over to the Philistine outpost on the other side but he did not inform his father some of you do that as well Jonathan then said to his armor-bearer come let us go over to the outpost to the uncircumcised perhaps the Lord will help us because it is no more listen to this it is no more difficult for the Lord to grant victory through few than is through many his armor-bearer replied whatever you're inclined to do I'll match your resolve and Jonathan continued this is where you can hear David's voice in Jonathan's mouth this is three chapters before he even meets him he says we shall go over to those men and we should show ourselves to them if they say stay where you are until we can come to you we'll stop where we are we won't go up to them but if they say come to us we shall go up because the Lord has delivered them into our grasp that will be our sign imagine here's Jonathan by himself with the armor bearer like he's got he's got one of two swords in all of Israel all the other people fighting they've just taken their their uh priming implements and sharpened them Jonathan has one of two swords and he says the armor bearer the guy carrying his shield hey let's go beat up those twenty Philistines but here's the sign if they tell us to not come up and beat them up we won't but if they say come up let's see what you got we'll kick their behinds so accordingly the two of them appeared at the outpost of the Philistines and said the Philistines sake look it's from Hebrews coming out of the holes where they've been hiding and so the men of the outpost said to Jonathan and armor bearer come up here and we will teach you a lesson bum bum bah so Jonathan said his armor bearer come after me for the Lord has delivered into our grasp the enemies of Israel Jonathan clambered up with his armor-bearer behind him and as the Philistines turned to flee him what two guys with one sword here's the army of the Philistines turning to flee him he cut them down and his armor bearer followed him and finished them off and this first exploit Jonathan and his armor-bearer slew about twenty men and half of furlong and then panic spreads the whole army in the countryside and all the soldiers including the outpost and the raiding parties were terror stricken and the earth also shook so the panic was beyond human endurance it's when Jonathan sees this guy his age David say listen I'll fight the I'll fight the giant because the Lord's gonna fight with me Jonathan looks at David and says yes yes that that that this is this is virtuous friendship this is like I see something in you that I also have in me have you ever met anyone like that we see something in them that you want in yourself they see something in you they want in themselves because here's a deal in order to have virtuous friendship you need to be someone pursuing virtue someone not pursuing virtue is incapable of virtuous friendship someone not pursuing virtue he's incapable a virtuous friendship to see something in someone else to say I'm going for that and they see the new and yes let's go but here's the problem here the problem is this view sorry that was too fast guys the problem is you honestly I'm so sorry to say this the problem is y'all are at the Student Leadership Summit you're invited to a Leadership Summit because someone sees something in you that says no you have it that you're gifted that you're talented and there's at least two things that can get in the way of people who are talented that keeps them from virtuous friendship and this is going to be maybe one of your problems is because you're so talented that you have too many opportunities you have you're so talented you're so gifted you go back to your campuses and you might be like yeah we're gonna go win the world for Jesus is gonna be awesome and this one says who you want to do this other thing cuz we see gifting you're like oh yeah you start a bunch of things we don't finish him because you're really talented everyone wants a slice and everyone wants a piece and you suffer from FOMO got to get that stuff under control man and what happens at the beginning of the semester like I can do it I can do it all and halfway through you're like why am I so exhausted focus get off my back stop asking me if I've met with my disciple stop asking me if I'm meeting my Valvo study I am exhausted right now but not because the task was too big for you because you're so gifted but you haven't made the decision of where you're going to invest that gift well they want me to be friends with everybody no they don't they want you to be friends with one person maybe two that's it because you can't you can't be friends with many people max is too most I did not have a best friend for 33 years of my life but when Jonathan meets David here's what happens this is in chapter 18 by the time David had finished speaking with Saul Jonathan had become as fond as David up David as if his life depended on him he loved him as he loved himself in Saul laid claim to David that day and did not allow him to return to the house that day Jonathan made a commitment Jonathan I commit I made a vow to David saying no you're the one you're the one which with whom I will fight you're the one for whom I will fight you're the one with whom I will run you're gonna you're the one and he made a commitment because the reality is friendships can't grow unless you commit and yet I can't commit to more than one or more than two because friendship requires time as opposed to how often we do this we have with that one-on-one discipleship right and we're thinking the whole time like I can't wait to wrap this up so we can get back to my real friends I'll coffee with you right now but like yeah we day he's not gonna go over cuz I I promised I'd meet my real friends later on as opposed to this virtuous not incidental but intentional friendship with that commitment with that commitment comes risk with that kind of commitment comes a real risk because the first thing eighths in your way talented person is you have many opportunities but the second thing that gets in your way is a talented person as a gift person is gifted people and talented people are used to being admired gifted people are used to being admired not known not loved but admired remember this when I was in high school um there being a senior and this so lame but apparently I cry easily and I was in my bedroom and sitting on this little bench in my broom and that was just I was crying and my mom was like what's wrong I was like mom I don't need friends are you talking about you have all these people she listed off all the people I hang out with like yeah but no she's and not to whatever I was like I was the homecoming king I was a senior how it had been most valuable in a couple different sports junior and senior year and she was like we have all these successes all these things I like mom I don't have any friends big like me but no one knows me I can admire me but no one knows me I'm guessing at some point you gifted people might have felt the same way but also there's a there's a challenge because I don't know if I want them to know me I don't know if I want them to see that I'm not perfect I don't know if I want them to see that I have wounds and so what happens is i compartmentalize instead of letting the people I'm in relationship with with a real virtuous intentional friendship instead i compartmentalize and say no you get to see this part of my life but I can't let you see the other things you get to see me when I'm doing the Christian thing what I'm doing the disciple er thing but you don't get to know me on a Friday night you don't get to see what I do when it's time to pray and I just want to hit the snooze button again you don't get to know me so i compartmentalize because what I what we experience as gifted and talented people are called into leadership is this thing called the imposter syndrome I don't have ever heard of the imposter syndrome it was coin is a term coined by two psychologists back in the 1970s what they found was when people would get promoted and people get invited into leadership when people were given more responsibility had this fear inside of them in the fear was how long will it take until people realize that I'm not who they think I am how long will it take till people realize I don't know what I'm doing how long will it take them though people realize that I'm just I'm an impostor that I'm not perfect that this is actually even true for priests my brothers you got this how long until they know that I have no idea because of that we hide because that we hide it and in hiding our weaknesses all we do all we do in hiding our weaknesses and make it harder for ourselves you know what one of the things that troubles me and disturbs me more than almost any story in Scripture in the New Testament is here's Jesus who has these twelve friends and he spent three years day and night almost 24 hours a day with these twelve friends and at the Last Supper this is John's Gospel chapter thirteen in verse 21 it says this it says when Jesus had said this he was deeply disturbed and he testified amen amen I say to you one of you will betray me and that's bad but it gets worse the next line says the disciples looked at one another at a loss as to whom he meant it that crazy like we would look at it's like no it's Judas dude it's Judas we know this but the other eleven they have no idea they have no idea that it's Judas who is B he's already betrayed he betrayed Jesus the beginning of chapter 13 this is chapter 20 verse 21 so much so that that Peter motions to Jonah says like ask Jesus who it is they have no clue now think about this think of how compartmentalized Judas must have made his life now on the opposite side think of how the story could be different for our our man Judas our brother Judas dudes baptized man our brother Judas how different his story could be if he just let himself be seen if he just let himself be known if he just was transparent you know it's one thing to be transparent because we need to be if we're gonna if we're gonna do this virtuous friendship thing we're gonna walk with each other we have to be transparent but I had one of our students pointed this out to me when I was sharing with her like this this idea this truth if she said you know father there's a difference between being transparent and being vulnerable so being transparent like being in a fishbowl you let people see you you let people see what you're doing and that's good that's a guys thing it's a healthy thing to do when the right people she said but being vulnerable is like letting people get in your fishbowl ping'an being transparent is letting them see you but being vulnerable is letting them affect you it's letting them help you it's letting them challenge you and and and it's letting them hurt you we had a student years back awesome girl named Xan and had the significant conversion and she was living with these five other girls in this house and they were all like great friends super good friends all sorority girls and just awesome good people but Ann had this conversion where she was like I'm gonna pursue Jesus with everything I have and the moment she decided to pursue Jesus those five friends didn't just ignore her they actually attacked her her five breast best friends in college she'd say you guys I'll go out with you I just want to drink well then we don't want you around us well I'll go out and have a drink but I'm not gonna get drunk then we don't want you around us you rejected her day after day she would tell me that every night she would fall asleep crying into her pillow like literally crying into her pillow because her best friends had rejected her because she belonged to Jesus but Ann just kept praying kept praying and offering up that that wound because she let herself be vulnerable let her soul be seen let herself be known and actually let herself be rejected as months passed and offered that up like Lord let this heartbreak of mine affect and help my friends I loved him the next semester one of her roommates boyfriend broke up with her and she was heartbroken at the house and who was there the one who wasn't allowed to go out with anyone the next roommate had another tragedy heartbroken at the house and who was there and and one after one the others just turned to an because they knew her she had let them see her heart she had let them affect her heart she wasn't just transparent she was vulnerable all five of them joined her Bible study three of them became Catholic one of them became a missionary because this is what it is not have just have incidental friendships but to have intentional friendships that is what it is not just have convenient friendships or or or Pleasant friendships but to have a virtuous friendship I found out what that was about ten years ago I met my friends names Nick I've talked about Nick before Nick was not Catholic and he and his wife had come to mass once and they're like hey we want to learn more about the church and so okay let's set up some meetings we can meet every every you know Thursday night at 10:30 at night down at Perkins and every meeting was a meeting because I'm here to help you but they never said things changed when Nick said hey will you come with my wife and I to a bonfire we're having with a bunch of our friends from our other church like oh I guess I should that would be what Jesus would do so so I begged my little sister and her boyfriend of the time to come with me please I don't know this couple of meeting with just come with me go to the bonfire and of course I'm talking to one of the you know non-catholic Christians and just well here's the faith here's what we believe is Catholics and like it's a really good conversation I hear my little sister explaining the faith here my sister's now husband explaining the faith then across the fire I hear this guy Nick he's explaining the faith in defending the Catholic faith to his friends and I'm like wait a second wait wait a second at you too and then he got higher disease minister and our diocese in my city and it was one of those things where we kept like fighting side by side we kept racing side by side and we'll used to be like me leading him and him like learning from me all of a sudden became like no we're brothers now we're fellows now we're fellow soldiers now were people who can side by side race together Jonathan and David and I commit myself to you I came at myself to fight with you I can met myself to run with you I commit myself to be gong to Jesus with you you know what involves making the decision but it is not exhausting it's on purpose and it's not accidental and it's powerful but it's not impossible you're made to belong to Jesus and that belonging to him doesn't belong on a stage it's made in the secret you're made to have virtuous friendship and that friendship doesn't happen under a spotlight happens in secret it's hidden it's a lot like love when you shine a light on it it kind of goes away but if you live it it's unstoppable who are you running with who are you racing with who are you fighting with and the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit amen thank you guys good night [Applause]

Channel: FOCUS Catholic

Views: 173,055

Rating: 4.910543 out of 5

Keywords: SLS18, FOCUS, FOCUS Catholic, College Student, Catholic Conference, Catholic Faith, Catholic, Spiritual Multiplication, Catholic Talks, FOCUS Conference, Eucharist, Catholic College Students, Living the Faith, SEEK, SEEK by FOCUS, Father Mike Schmitz, Fr Mike talks, Fr Mike homily, Ascension, Homily

Id: epwHr-w-3a8

Length: 25min 47sec (1547 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 31 2018