Facing The Empathy Deficit | Ari Saperstein | TEDxClaremontColleges

hi I have a quiz for you all tell me what emotion and my feeling in this photo happy sure sure what about this one all right this one it's okay okay that one's kind of hard to tell I guess inebriated isn't an emotion but anyways look two out of three you passed Congrats I have to say though I'm kind of surprised you all did so well because to understand and recognize emotions that's a key part of empathy most of the people here today are college students and college students are 40% less empathetic than students were 30 years ago that statistic it comes from the University of Michigan where they've been doing a study they've given thousands of students a one-page questionnaire asking them basically just one question in a lot of different ways do you think you're empathetic so apparently you were half as empathetic as the generation before us and we seem to know it but I don't know if we care a lot of researchers are positing that the reason for this empathy deficit is because empathy is a skill you have to learn and you learn it by interacting with people face-to-face but when 8 to 18 year olds in this country are spending on average 11 and 1/2 hours a day using technology and 3 hours a day using social media we actually have fewer and fewer opportunities to hone that skill to learn empathy so the irony here is that these devices which are ostensibly about connection creating social networks might be the source of this growing disconnection it also helps to explain why we know that we're less empathetic and don't seem to care because we love our devices were the generation that spent more time holding a phone in our hand than another person's hand in our hand the vast majority of us are addicted to technology when are you ever without your phone we check our phones on average about a hundred and ten times a day it's so easy and so mindless I find myself all the time unlocking my phone without thinking about it it's all muscle memory typing scrolling swiping we're half as empathetic as the generation before us but our thumbs are twice as strong we know definitively it's through vulnerable experiences that we learn empathy but here on these formats we're not really being vulnerable or not showing all sides of ourselves you don't see photos of me on Facebook sitting at home alone at 3:00 in the morning eating goldfish crackers watching Comedy Central that's a big part of who I am in my life you just see photos of me having cool adventures living it up you see one side of me not all of me I would say that my biggest insecurity is a fear of being unwanted that people around me are just perpetually thinking what is this weird and annoying redheaded kid doing here so with that in mind let's take a look at my facebook profile cuz on it is a photo of me with a friend in a group costume and a photo that's me in the center of a group hug without even realizing it I photoshopped in my life so that the message that comes across to anyone who sees it isn't what I'd really like to say isn't the truth which is hey sometimes I'm lonely and insecure and could use more love in my life rather what's being said to anyone who sees this is don't you for a second doubt that I have all the love and friends that I need what's the last photo you posted to Facebook or snapchat adore sent to Instagram what were you hoping people would think about you based on that photo what side of yourself were you trying to show empathy m-meaning inner into path II from pathos meaning feelings empathy to go out of ourselves and into someone's shoes into someone's feelings not only are we all getting worse at going out of ourselves we're also getting worse at letting others in myself being a prime example because when you aren't showing all of yourself when you're not being vulnerable we can't really empathize with one another so what happens what happens when you can avoid vulnerability avoid accountability avoid awkwardness here's one example when I was 12 years old I had this conversation with a friend over a I am chat hey Ari hey Josh what's up I got a message from Mike Oh what did it say die you whoa he said that to you no no he told me to tell you what are you serious yes he told me to relay it I'm getting a little inclined to agree with him you're acting a little and gay why would you say that to me I thought you were my friends okay got to go bye G to G by avoid awkwardness avoid accountability avoid vulnerability done when we're young we don't always use good judgment we all know this firsthand but we don't use good judgment because we've yet to form good judgment right here is your prefrontal cortex it's where we house problem solving decision making and impulse control and it's not fully developed until you're in your 20s so imagine being 12 years old lacking those skills you have perpetually using these devices that ask you to respond immediately make decisions immediately click like tweet post tag you're not asked to stop and think critically to work and grow this what might happen that conversation which happens all the time a lot of you have faced Joshes in your life no doubt as I was preparing to do this talk a friend asked me could I empathize with Josh thought about it for a minute and said no I don't think I've ever consciously hurt someone tried to hurt someone in that way my friend said okay but do you know it's like to avoid awkwardness avoid accountability of weight vulnerability and immediately I thought of a story a story that refused to go away story that takes place at almost the exact same time as that conversation 2005 12 years old if Frances it takes place offline in this classroom I was in seventh grade new at this school and my friend's dad came to pick him up early friend Dylan his dad comes to the door of the classroom and is like Dylan at his desk Dylan's dad so I'm watching this play out and I think this is adorable here's a father and son that are so close that they can communicate non-verbally to each other even if they're upset I start smiling I start laughing and a kid next to me turns to me and just goes Ari I can't believe you'd laugh at someone whose death I was so mortified I had no idea his dad was death I had no idea that they were signing to each other I was so angry at myself for making a mistake like that I was new I wanted to be liked alongside that anger was a sense of shame because in my mind I thought I did something that looked bad and equated that to I am a bad person obviously in hindsight now it's such a forgivable innocent mistake but then I felt that vulnerability and I felt so exposed I didn't want to confront it I don't know I didn't know then if Dylan had seen me laughing if he thought anything but I was too embarrassed to angry too ashamed to say anything anger and shame our neighbors they like to walk down the street holding hands together but they're distinct anger why don't you want me in your group shame why would you want me in your group I had judged Josh for not facing me yet I never faced Dylan I thought in my head I can't forgive myself why would he so a few weeks ago I called up Dylan hadn't talked him since middle school I said hey do you remember this happening do you feel any things you feel anything then he says no I don't remember there's no reason to feel so upset about it you don't need to beat yourself up about it don't be so hard on yourself and I realize that over those ten years I I was so worried about Dylan judging me those other kids judging me the only person who judged me was me and I didn't realize that until I finally went out of myself and let someone else in but I get what it is like to run away from vulnerability in fact I'm here talking about facing this empathy deficit I couldn't even face someone in real life after I talked to Dylan I saw this quote if you were to look into your enemy's heart what would you find that's different from your own I saw it I took a deep breath and I just thought let's find out so two weeks ago I contacted Josh Josh the kid that sent me the message saying die you and I found him online messaged him saying I was doing this talk attached an early draft of it and I get an email back from him saying that that message that conversation was the most shameful thing he'd ever done a shame he felt his entire life since and was especially on his mind last year when he came out as gay I was surprised by that revelation certainly but it wasn't the most surprising thing about his message I was more shocked by the fact that he felt shame why you may be wondering we'll remember that photo I said what am I feeling in it everybody said sad what if I told you just hypothetically I was feeling shame in that photo how could you tell little while ago I was talking to one of the world experts on empathy and animals and I asked him do animals feel shame he told me maybe it's it's unclear but if they do they certainly can't recognize it and want to know there cuz shame it has to be self-reported in order to be distinguished from guilt anger sadness what will you so when I was 12 I told my parents about that conversation and there was a mediation between me and Josh I remember him saying anything I do remember him standing there arms crossed head down what I thought was anger angry to be there now in hindsight shame to ashamed so look at me much like you at this photo I could not distinguish the he felt shame until he self-reported it there was a part of what Josh said that stuck with me I couldn't quite figure it out he said on one hand he was happy to be facing as actions now glad that we had reconnected on the other hand he didn't want to be punished for his actions anymore I said with that and I was frustrated because I thought I can't believe he thinks I'm trying to punish him I don't want revenge I don't want retribution I want to move on to be adults and as I looked over the the message he sent me and how he said the words regret and shame in it something just clicked I just realized he's not talking about me punishing him only person who's been punishing Josh it's Josh there I was in a position that never in a million years that I imagined I'd be where I was empathizing with Josh avoiding vulnerability trying to forgive yourself I get that and that shared experience that empathy meant that we could finally knock down the wall that still seemed to divide us sometimes it seems like with emotions you have to be a genius you have to know what to do all the time truth is I don't understand what drove him to write those words and press send I don't know if he does either but when it comes to empathy you have to play the hand you've been dealt you can't Bluff your way through it to say I don't know are very scary words but sometimes all you can say all I could say was I don't know what to do but I'm willing to sit with you the potential awkwardness be open to vulnerability and help you feel a little less alone you don't need to have all the answers you don't need to be this you just need to be this if you were to look into your enemy's heart what would you find that's different from your own first let me say that enemy and bully are words that solely exist in black and white solely exist inside those quotation marks let this be a lesson but there's always gray there was a study that followed people for over 40 years and found that the best indicator for lifelong happiness and a lot of ways you'd think it to measure it longer marriages better health lower rates of depression job security there was one factor more predictive than anything else it was this your emotional well-being as a child emotional well-being measured not as a did you avoid trauma did you avoid negative experiences but when they happened because inevitably they do to all of us why is there someone there that said to you I might not know what to do but I'm willing to sit with you through the potential awkwardness if you opened a vulnerability and help you feel a little less alone to be empathetic as may be the most important skill we will learn in our lives what would you find that's different from your own heart I at least have found nothing different I saw Josh last week for the first time since we were kids we just hung out he was really cool we connected through the same technology that helped to tear us apart we connected and then we connected this is not an anti-technology talk it's a mindful technology talk when we use our devices mindlessly we burn bridges and don't see our friends for 10 years and when we use it mindfully we mend those bridges and come back together and I'm happy to say that my friend Josh is here today in the audience do we care that we're 40% less empathetic than the generation before us because if we do we have to start facing the empathy deficit by facing each other if you're going to use your devices use them mindfully otherwise give your thumbs the rest thanks

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 39,448

Rating: 4.8735776 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Big problems, Bullying, Communication, Compassion, Connection, Cyber, Digital, Emotions, Empathy, Ethics, Friendship, Future, Ideas, Impact, Internet, Media, Passion, Personal growth, Purpose, Self improvement, Smartphone, Social Media, Society, Students, Technology, Youth

Id: 5BMc531Zfkw

Length: 16min 27sec (987 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 28 2015