WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IN HERE, OUT THERE. IS
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> HUMANS HAVE SPENT MILLENNIA
ASKING GOD, "WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?"
AND I'VE SPENT THE LAST FIVE YEARS ASKING, "WHY DON'T BAD
THINGS HAPPEN TO FORMER WHITE HOUSE STRATEGIST AND MAN LICKING
HIS LIPS, STARING AT A WOUNDED PIGEON, STEVE BANNON?"
WELL, IT IS POSSIBLE, IT IS POSSIBLE, THAT MY PRAYERS ARE
ABOUT TO BE ANSWERED. BECAUSE BANNON IS ONE OF THE TOP
WITNESSES THAT HOUSE INVESTIGATORS WANT TO TALK TO
ABOUT WHO PLANNED THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION. THEY SUBPOENAED HIM, BUT HE
REFUSED TO COOPERATE, SO LAST NIGHT, THE COMMITTEE BROUGHT THE
GAVEL DOWN, AND VOTED UNANIMOUSLY TO RECOMMEND
CHARGING BANNON WITH CRIMINA <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
CRIMINAL CONTEMPT. HELL, YEAH! CRIMINAL CONTEMPT MAKES SENSE,
TO ME BECAUSE I FEEL A LOT OF CONTEMPT FOR THAT CRIMINAL. NOW, THIS IS A BIG MOMENT. WHILE 650 MEMBERS OF THE JANUARY
6 MOB HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR STORMING THE CAPITOL, THIS IS
THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN ANY ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ONE OF THE
BIG FISH. OR IN BANNON'S CASE, ONE OF
THOSE WEIRD GELATINOUS FISH THAT LIVE IN ETERNAL DARKNESS WITH
SPIKEY TEETH AND A LANTERN BLOB APRERD GROWING OUT OF HIS FACE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
AND IT IS GOING TO FEEL GREAT TO SEE THESE CONSEQUENCES WHEN THEY
HAPPEN. IF THEY HAPPEN. AT A DATE TO BE NAMED LATER,
BECAUSE, FIRST, THE CONTEMPT QUESTION WILL GO TO A VOTE IN
THE FULL DEMOCRATIC-CONTROLLED HOUSE. THE CONTEMPT REPORT WILL THEN BE
CERTIFIED BY SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI TO THE U.S. ATTORNEY FOR
THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AT WHICH POINT THE DECISION WILL BE
IN THE HANDS OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, WHO WILL EVALUATE
THE MATTER BASED ON THE FACTS AND THE LAW, AND THEN DECIDE
WHETHER TO BRING THE CASE TO A GRAND JURY, WHO WOULD HAVE TO
DECIDE WHETHER TO INDICT BANNON, AT WHICH POINT THE CASE WOULD GO
TO FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT IN D.C. FOR TRIAL... <i> ( TAKES DEEP BREATH )</i>
WHERE BANNON WOULD BE ABLE TO DEFEND HIMSELF. AFTER WHICH, HE MIGHT BE
CONVICTED AND FACE A FINE OF $100 TO $100,000 AND A JAIL
SENTENCE OF ONE MONTH TO ONE YEAR. BUT THAT PROCESS, EVEN IF BANNON
WAS SUCCESSFULLY PROSECUTED AND JAILED, STILL WOULDN'T FORCE HIM
TO DISCLOSE THE INFORMATION. IN OTHER WORDS: JUSTICE! IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
SCENE FROM "TAKEN": >> IF YOU LET MY DAUGHTER GO
NOW, THAT'LL BE THE END OF IT. I WILL NOT LOOK FOR YOU. I WILL NOT PURSUE YOU. BUT IF YOU DON'T, I WILL LOOK
FOR YOU, I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL SERVE YOU A SUBPOENA. THEN, IF YOU DON'T COMPLY TO
THAT, THE COMMITTEE WILL VOTE TO HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF
CONGRESS. >> THEN YOU KILL ME? >> NO, ONCE THAT VOTE PASSES,
THE HOUSE HAS TO ALSO VOTE TO HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT. THEN ONCE THAT PASSES, WE REFER
THE CASE TO THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. THEN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WILL
EVALUATE THE MATTER, AND THEY MAY OR MAY NOT BRING THE CASE TO
A GRAND JURY. >> AND THEN THEY KILL ME? >> NO! THEN, IF YOU GET CONVICTED, YOU
CAN GET A FINE, OR MAYBE A FEW MONTHS IN PRISON. >> THAT'S IT? >> YES. >> OKAY, I'M GONNA GO DO MORE
CRIMES THEN. BYEEE! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
GLD MOVIE. QUALITY MOVIE. HE'S SO GOOD. HE'S SO GOOD. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BRING THE
HAMMER DOWN, BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF UPCOMING ELECTIONS. AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY
DIDN'T END IN A RIOT. FOR INSTANCE-STANCE, THERE'S THE
TIGHT RACE FOR GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA BETWEEN DEMOCRAT TERRY
McAULIFFE AND REPUBLICAN GLENN YOUNGKIN-- A.K.A., THE TWO
MOST BORING UNCLES AT THE FAMILY REUNION. BOTH SIDES ARE BRINGING IN THE
BIG GUNS-- AND SOME LOOSE CANNONS, LIKE FORMER NEW YORK
MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE ABOUT TO FIGHT STEVE BANNON
FOR THAT WOUNDED PIGEON. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THIS JUST LAST NIGHT? LAST NIGHT, RUDY WEIGHED IN WITH
AN ATTACK ON TERRY McAULIFFE. JUST TO PREPARE YOU, RUDY
BIZARRELY REFERENCES A LONG-DEBUNKED EARLY 90s SCANDAL
ABOUT THE CLINTONS SUPPOSEDLY RENTING OUT THE LINCOLN BEDROOM. AND THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD PART:
>> VIRGINIA, VOTE AGAINST THE MAN WHO DISHONORED OUR PAST BY
SELLING MY BEDROOM HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF TIMES TO SCOUNDRELS
IN A PAY-FOR-PLAY SCHEME! IN MY TIME, WE HAD A NAME FOR
MEN WHO SOLD BEDROOMS FOR ONE NIGHT. IN YOUR TIME, THE NAME IS TERRY
McAULIFFE! END THE CLINTON SLEAZE ONCE AND
FOR ALL! >> Stephen: THAT IS UNDOUBTEDLY
THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THERE'S-- IT'S UP THERE. IT'S-- IT'S HIGH UP THERE. MAYBE NOT-- IT'S ONE OF THE
WORST. >> Jon: HONEST ABE
>> Stephen: A LOT TO UNPACK HERE. WORKING FROM THE TOP DOWN:
THAT'S NOT A LINCOLN HAT. THAT'S A MAD HATTER HAT. THOUGH, COMPARED TO RUDY, HE WAS
A PRETTY REASONABLE HATTER. AND I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN PLACE
THAT ACCENT. IT'S EITHER BRITISH, SOUTHERN,
OR CABERNET. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND, JIM, PLAY THAT ONE PART AGAIN. >> IN MY TIME, WE HAD A NAME
FOR MEN WHO SOLD BEDROOMS FOR ONE NIGHT. >> Stephen: INNKEEPERS? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
A BETTER QUESTION MIGHT BE: WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO RENTS A
ROOM FOR ONE HOUR TO "ADJUST THEIR MICROPHONE?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SPEAKING-- ♪ ♪ ♪
SPEAKING OF NAUGHTY BITS: SOCIAL MEDIA'S ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SORT OUT WHAT'S ART AND WHAT'S DIRTY. AND NO CASE ILLUSTRATES THE
STRUGGLE BETTER THAN WHEN A WOMAN RECENTLY POSTED A PHOTO
OF THE VENUS OF WILLENDORF, A 30,000-YEAR-OLD STATUE OF A
FERTILITY FIGURE. BUT FACEBOOK RULED THE PICTURE
WAS PORNOGRAPHIC AND REMOVED IT. OH, NO! NOW WHERE WILL PEOPLE FIND NAKED
PICTURES ON THE INTERNET? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, KEEN-EYED VIEWERS MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT CBS IS ACTUALLY
MAKING US CENSOR HER, SHALL WE SAY, WILLENDORF. AND YOU MIGHT BE SAYING,
"SERIOUSLY? SHE'S 30,000 YEARS OLD." YES, SO ARE CBS VIEWERS. FACEBOOK APOLOGIZED, BUT
VIENNA'S NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM, WHERE THE STATUE RESIDES, WASN'T
HAPPY ABOUT THE CENSORSHIP, SO NOW VIENNA'S TOURISM BOARD IS
TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH-- SHOWCASING THE MUSEUM'S ART ON
ONLYFANS. GREAT-- SO NOW WHEN YOU'RE
LOOKING AT ART, YOU GOTTA PAY TO UNLOCK CONTENT. "SEND ANOTHER $20, AND WE'LL
TOUCH MORE THAN FINGERS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> APPARENTLY-- APPARENTLY--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> APPARENTLY, NOW THAT IT'S OVER
ON ONLYFANS, SUBSCRIBERS TO THE VIENNA TOURISM BOARD'S PAGE CAN
CHECK OUT EXPLICIT WORKS. WHICH IS GREAT FOR ART, BUT
REALLY BAD FOR HORNY DUDES WHO ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE ON A
PICASSO: "WOW, LOOK AT HER... I'M GONNA SAY BOOBS? THAT THE CLUSTER OF TRIANGLES,
RIGHT? THERE'S SEVEN OF THEM? MAYBE IT'S THE--- NAH, FORGET
IT. I'M GONNA GO LOOK AT SOME
GEORGIA O'KEEFE'S." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ BUT ART ISN'T THE ONLY THING
FACEBOOK IS RUINING. THEY'RE STILL FACING ACCUSATIONS
OF ENDANGERING TEENS, SPREADING MISINFORMATION, AND DESTROYING
DEMOCRACY. SO THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT
THING: REBRANDING THE COMPANY WITH A NEW NAME. BUT THAT NEW NAME IS A CLOSELY
GUARDED SECRET THAT'S NOT KNOWN WIDELY, EVEN AMONG FACEBOOK
SENIOR LEADERSHIP. WELL, THAT'S SURPRISING:
FACEBOOK HAS LEADERSHIP? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> IN CASE THEY HAVEN'T-- IN CASE--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> SURE, WHY NOT
JUST IN CASE THEY HAVEN'T SETTLED ON IT YET, WE HERE AT
"THE LATE SHOW" CAME UP WITH A FEW APPROPRIATE NAMES, LIKE
PINSURRECTIONIST. DIKTOK. AUNT BRENDA'S THREE-PARAGRAPH
RANT-A-TORIUM. <i> ( RUSSIAN ACCENT )</i>
BEST FUN TIMES AMERICA WEBSITE. AND THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL
TEAM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS THE STAR OF HBO'S
"INSECURE," ISSA RAE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, DID YOU READ
YOUR BOOK CLUB BOOK? THE ANSWER IS NO. STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
