- [Mark] All right, Gilbert. Gilbert, where are you from? - [Gilbert] I'm from Boyle
Heights, East L.A. area. - [Mark] East L.A. And
tell me about your family, you had both your parents? - [Gilbert] I got my mom and
dad still in the picture. Although they've never
been really supportive of my, uh, how can I say it? My life, the way I live. Due the fact of drugs and gangs,
and sleeping in the street. Um, they're there but it's like
they're not there, you know? - [Mark] What-- - Emotionally unsupportive.
They're just there. - [Mark] What age were you
when you joined a gang? - Uh, I was fifteen years
old when I joined a gang, my first gang. The reason I joined was to feel like I belonged to something. You know, my parents
where never really there, they always worked. I would go to school, come
back home, they weren't there. No love, no affection, no nothing. They bought me toys, but,
you know, to this day, even my dad told me one time, you always had what you wanted
while you were growing up, all you needed was love. My dad was an abusive father,
he used to beat up my mom. I started seeing him beat up
my mom when I was 5 years old. In front of me. She was always bruised up and everything. To this day, my mom is in denial. You know, she says that,
"Oh, it never happened, it never happened." But I seen it all. You know, my dad was a crack head. He lost two properties. You know, while I was growing
up, we owned two houses and he ended up losing them because the people that moved in, they were paying him with crack. So, you know, eventually
he lost those houses. But, to this day, I love my dad, you know. He's my hero, he used to be my hero. I looked up to him because he was the type of motherfucker
that could go to work, he'd go to work, and he always used to carry a gun. He used to like drinking by himself. So, when I was growing up, I would see him bumping music with the trunk open. Spanish music. He had his cowboy hat on, and
he always carried his pistol. You know, so I would
look outside the window, and I would like, admire that, you know, 'cause that's like a
tough badass, you know. But, little by little,
I just, it started-- As I got older, it just
started fading away, you know. 'Cause now I'm more mature, thinking oh well, you
used to beat up my mom. You used to beat me up for nothing, you used to get cracked out, and just whoop me for nothing, for free. You know, I would get my
ass whoopings for free. So, that was the kind of
environment I got brought up in, you know? I ran away. I ran away when
I was thirteen years old. It was my first time I ran away, I got introduced into
my gang in junior high, so I started chilling with the guys. You know, one thing led to
another, and next thing you know, I'm part of my hood. You
know, I got love for my hood, 'cause it'll always be there regardless. You know, I might disappear
for a minute or what not but if I need somebody
to-- push comes to shove, if I really need my homies
to go kill somebody, they're gonna be right
there and go do it with me. You know, pretty much. I got introduced to Skid Row in 1996, when it was really Tent City. I developed a crack habit.
I used to smoke crack. I used to go to work, and I used to spend my
whole paycheck on crack. I used to go get The Terminal, down the street, for two days, and by Sunday morning checkout
time, I was that broke. And I would go back to work with nothing. Hungry as a motherfucker. No lunch money, no nothing. So after that, I started
living out here in the streets. I used to stay right here on
Town, between 5th and 6th. I used to sell dope. I used to sell crystal meth and heroin. And for a good minute, I
was doing it real good. I was cashing in over $1000 every day. But I learned the hard way. The first time I sold
crack on the wrong block, the Blacks approached
me and they were like, "Hey, where's my money at?" And I was like, "What money?" "You just sold on my block." He took flight at me, and
I just started fighting with like four motherfucking
Blacks right there. I could only do so much,
so I started running away. They chased me, the pistol fell off. Luckily, the Lord works
in mysterious ways. The police happened to
just hit the corner, they flashed at everybody running. And they said-- they
pulled everybody over, the Black's head was bleeding. And they were like, you know,
what the fuck's going on? I was like man, fuck that
shit, they tried to jump me, I don't give a fuck, you know? Anyways, they made me go this way, and they still held them guys back. But, I didn't learn, I didn't go nowhere, I was still here, you know? Like I sad, I was cashing
in over $1000 every day, you know, and I would take
care of the whole block. I would feed everybody,
every fucking body, you know what I'm saying. Uh, but down here, aint no righteousness,
no loyalty, no nothing. Because I used to take care
of these motherfuckers, my own people, I used to
feed them, feed anybody. They came out with short money,
I would still bless them. Hey I need a wake-up, I'll bless them. You know, I looked out for everybody. People that got out of
jail, what's up homie, what's your purpose right here? You're just standing
around in my block, g. "Oh, well, I don't got nothing to do, I aint got nowhere to
go." Well check this out. I'll give 'em a tent, I'll
give 'em an 8 ball of dope, you know what I'm saying,
and I'd just put them on. Hey, you owe me this, and
just do what you gotta do. And eventually I started
building my own circle, my own people, my own crowd, et cetera. You know, I had every fucking thing, from women, to electronics,
bikes, furniture, I had my shit hooked up. Really hooked up. Um, you know, but it
came to the point where like I said, there's no loyalty down
here, no righteousness. One of my one crew members
ended up dropping a dime on me. You know, as soon as I went to go re-up, I'll be back, hold this shit down, you already got what you
got, make your money, I'll be back, let me go re-up. When I go around to go re-up, I came back, alright, everybody, get the fuck out. Let me go stash my shit. And when I stash my shit, next thing you know you
just hear the engines, (makes zooming noise). The narcs swooping up. "Where's the dope at,
where's the dope at?" I'm like, I don't know what
you guys talking about. And then it came out on the radio, like 10-4 we just confirmed
that he went to go re-up. You know, re-up is a certain
word that we use out here. It's a slang, you know? Yeah, so, one of these motherfuckers ended up snitching on me
when I took care of them, and I would do anything
for these people, you know, or at least for my crowd. Or whoever shows me loyalty, you know. I've seen females getting raped out here, and you can't really do shit about it because it doesn't pertain to you. I've met people that been on the hit-list, from the Mexican mafia, you
know what I'm saying, all that. And I can't say shit because
it doesn't pertain to me, it's none of my business, and if I get involved then the
same thing will happen to me. I've been and seen tents
where the homeless are fixing up hot shots, for the individual that's on that list. You know, and I'm just like fuck, fuck. I start feeling some type
of way and everything, but like I said, it's better
you than me, straight up. Out here, if you don't know
how to survive, out here, this shit will eat you alive. So, you know, I've seen that. And to this day, I don't
really talk about it. Who can I talk about it with,
you know what I'm saying? Fortunately, I came across this, and here I am now telling you my story. For those that wanna, how can I say it, grab it or use it for
whatever it benefits you, for any type of experience
or what not, by all means. But if not, then hey, suit
yourself, pretty much, and learn the hard way like I did. - [Mark] Do you have kids of your own? - I have six kids. - [Mark] Six kids. - I have six kids. My
oldest kid is 21 years old. To this day he's reaching out for me, but I have nothing to offer him, so I feel, I feel worthless in that
aspect where I can't do nothing for him. - [Mark] Were you ever in his life? - I was in his life for his
first three years, that's it. But my baby-mama did me
dirty, she traumatized me, where I see all females the same. You know, I can't be nice to them, I can't, how you say,
wine them and dine them, because I start doing
that, they'll fuck me over. And go with the next man, or the motherfucker with the biggest sack. I got my daughter, her 15
years old, her quinceanera, is this year. I don't know what exact date, but I haven't been in her life for like, the past seven years, due to a fact that I've been
in and out of prison and jail. I caught my five year term right here, selling crack to an undercover cop. This individual looked worst of the worst. He had a dirty-ass neck,
fucking foul clothes. He had dust-bunnies in his hair. You never would've expected. He asked me for a $20
rock, I served it to him, next thing you know you
see the narcs swooping up. I ran inside the liquor
store right here on Crocker, in front of the post office, there used to be a
liquor store right there. I ran inside right there
and I threw all the rocks. All the crack heads that were in there, it was like a fucking party.
They were like "Oh shit," started grabbing everything, right? So I'm like, fuck it. So anyways, the police went
in there, they dragged me out, and I'm like what are
you guys talking about, I don't know what the fuck
you guys are talking about. Next thing you know, you see
that guy, the undercover cop with the dust-bunnies
and dirty neck coming. He got a fucking big-ass
round badge, a square badge. I was like fuck. Ever since then, I learned
kinda who to sell dope to who not to sell dope to. I had people going up to
my spot with like $200, trying to buy some heroin. And I wouldn't serve them for
the same reason, you know? - [Gilbert] So, I guess, like I say, you gotta learn the hard way,
and I learned the hard way. I got into a lot of fights
with the Blacks out here. I got stabbed three times
out here in the street. I got shot at, I shot motherfuckers. I kinda earned my respect
and hold my ground out here, but it's not really rocket science 'cause we're outnumbered
by a motherfucker. It's like 100 Blacks to one
Mexican out here, you know. So, if you survive out
here, know what I mean. You gotta learn how to survive. Other than that, you
know, I had good jobs. I used to do demolition, getting $42 an hour, prevailing wage. I used to work for UPS. To this day, I still
have my UPS I.D. badge, it's just something
mental for me, you know. But, I don't know, I guess
drug addiction can really get ahold of you if you can't control it. And there's been points in my life where I can't control it because
I leave everything behind. From my kids to my baby's
mama, to my good working jobs. And its not worth it, I
know it's not worth it. But, I don't know, ignorance
and being stubborn. 'Cause I know what to do, I know what's right and what's wrong, and I still choose to do
the wrong things, you know, knowing that I'm hurting everybody in my life. From my baby mama, to my kids, to my parents, my brothers. But we all make wrong choices. We're all fucking adults,
we're all grown man, and we all know what the fuck we're doing or what we get ourselves into. So sometimes when I
start feeling this way, or crying or what not, it's like stop feeling
self-pity for yourself. You know what the fuck you're doing, and you know what you do to
get under this shit-hole. But, knowing all that, you're still gonna be in a shit-hole. I don't know why, I don't understand why. It just is what it is sometimes, you know. - [Mark] You feel like you belong here? - No. I don't belong here. Before, my self-esteem was very high, it was very high. And I know what I'm self worth. Due to, I went to P.C.C. college, I graduated with a
pre-apprenticeship certificate. I done little things that
know I could be successful. I lived a successful life before. I was making $1700 from Monday to Friday, working 7 1/2 hours demolition. Making that kind of money. And for me to lose it
all, because of dope, or just being irresponsible. It's kinda like it eats you up inside. A lot of people don't know
what people go through, emotionally and personally. Their issues and what not. You know, that's what it is. I'm the black sheep of the family, so I get out of jail or
whatever the case my be, I ain't landed a job, and right away my parents are on my ass. "Oh, you gotta pay
rent. You gotta do this, you gotta pay bills," et cetera. While my brothers been working and they've been stable, have steady jobs. Worked at Farmer John's, UPS
drivers, making fucking bank. Making decent money, and
they live with my parents and they never had to pay rent. Not one time. Or contribute whatsoever. But, when I get there, it's like, you need to pay rent. And I'm like man I aint
got no fucking job, I just got out of jail. And my family, they show
a lot of preference. A lot of preference. That's probably why I
choose to do what I do. My parents are the type
that if they're mad at me, they won't say hi to my kids. One bit. So that kinda makes me
feel some type of way, like very, very personal, you know. Like I don't give a fuck about me, but why you gonna neglect
your grandchildren, because of me? You know, a grandparent will love their grandkids
regardless, right? Yeah, but I try to tough it
out, I try to suck it up, I try to be fucking Mr.
Macho and Mr. Tough Guy and all that shit, you know. But, deep down inside its like, fuck. Like your people only know what the fuck a motherfucker goes through, you know? But if you show these kind
of emotions out there, then you're a straight
bitch, or you're weak, or motherfuckers will fucking
prey on you, you know? Man, fuck that shit. I don't look like I'm a
weak motherfucker, you know? I'm all tatted up and all that shit, I've been to prison. I stabbed motherfuckers in jail, I've been in a shoe program, I've done all that shit, you know. I've been to three yard,
and everything, you know. And I paroled in 2009, I
discharged my number in 2010, and I never been to prison ever since, but I've been and out of
county jail all these years. And every time I go to
jail , I get a little spot, and play and position. And I run dorms, I run shit, or whatever because I know certain individuals. But if motherfuckers really know, like, how much of a pussy a motherfucker is, because-- I like to love you know? Sobriety is good. Being normal is good. That's just fun, you know. While you're out here,
just wasting your life, this shit eats you up alive. And it damages everybody
around you, you know. Not even you, just the
people that do care about you or love you. They're the ones that go
through it, you feel me? - [Mark] And your kids
take the hit hardest. - Yeah, you know. I have an autistic kid. He's autistic. He's eight years old, and I know that what he's
missing, he's missing me. But I let little arguments or stupid shit take over me, and let it run away. I try to find an escape, you know, like, I gotta go
relapse because of this. And once I relapse, I don't
give a fuck about nothing. I don't give a fuck about shit, you know. I do what I gotta do, and that's it. And then I'm out here running
around, like just waiting to get killed or something, and I really don't give a fuck about shit. My emotions die. I could care less if my mom was dying on her hospital bed, and if I'm under the
influence? I'm not gonna care. And I know that's wrong, that's all bad. On Christmas, I seen my 21 year old son, two years ago I seen him. This is the first time
I've seen him in 10 years. Well I ended up doing
an issue before that, and I went to see him, and when I got there my dad
was like hey, your son's here so act right. I was like I told him to
come down here, you know, to meet his family. 'Cause he doesn't have a family, his mama's a fucking drug addict as well. She used to kick him when he
would be coloring his books, she would go in the house and
just kick him outta nowhere, you know? He was telling me all these things. So when I went to my
mom's house, he shows up, we started socializing, et cetera. And he's like, hey dad,
you know, when I got here, my brothers, my aunt, you know, they showed emotion. They started crying, their
eyes got watery, et cetera. And he was like how come
you didn't get emotional when you saw me, and what not? And I told him straight up, you know, look, you're 21 years old, I think all the lies are out already. But, the reason I don't
show emotion is because I'm under the influence. And that was fucked up, I felt
that was fucked up for him. I didn't even take a
picture with him or nothing. The night came to an end,
my brother took him home, and he was like alright,
so I'll see you later? And I was like yeah, yeah, whatever. Because my mind was somewhere
else, and that's that. Man I've been clean going,
like, a little bit over 2 weeks. But it goes to a point where I
can't even be clean for like, not even 30 minutes. But, you know, right now,
I want to stay clean. I'm going to be sober,
like, trying to be sober to my full capacity, you know? Other than that, well, that's the story of my life. (laughs) - [Mark] Great job, and
thank you very much. That was great, great little talk.
