Everything Wrong With John Carter In 15 Minutes Or Less

[Music] get it since the movie takes place on Mars they tinted the usual Disney logo red well two can play it that game Mars narration also you turn your Disney logo Mars red then the first spoken word of the movie is Mars so tell me again why you felt the need to remove of Mars from the original title mcnalty is an investigating Walter White for drugs in this movie How can you tell those ships aren't visible until the camera pans over blue strings of power I know when I get an amazing gift that I don't understand from three floating wise men my first instinct is to try and blast them with it ah 1881 a year where only the black umbrella was in fashion guy following John Carter somehow misses the one woman in New York City wearing something bright today and therefore misses John Carter that's 50 c unless you want special delivery special delivery it is hey what if he wanted change name of sender Carter John Carter old timey James Bond also roll credits also Tim rigin's something something football dream booat Rebel in this scene are we to believe that this guy walked past Carter a minute ago lost him in the sea of black umbrellas and yet guessed correctly that he'd go to this Telegraph Place telegram that can be read in 1 second is held up for 5 seconds by a guy on a train who obviously already read the very simple message maybe he thought John Carter included a cipher the income to benefit my beloved nephew Edgar Rice Burrows Edgar Rice burrow wrote himself into his own story and the words of nickless cage in adaptation that's kind of weird isn't it this wild tale begins 13 years ago we are watching a movie about a guy reading a story about a guy telling a story you are a difficult man to find Captain John Carter obviously not they went right into the bar and found him and he's at that bar so much he ran up a tab over $100 so no he's not hard to find I'm going to go ahead and send this movie right now for putting Brian Cranston in it for like 10 minutes can we give this guy a whole movie for once I have paid in full character wears both woman and man's wedding oh P plan I going to tell you again what was the plan if this guy wasn't brain dead he stole your horse Okay so wait didn't he have like this much of a head start and he took the Colonel's horse right so is the Colonel's Horse Way Way slower than the other horses and if these horses are faster than his horse why aren't they catching up to him now I thought you didn't care I don't I thought you didn't care I don't cliche series of plot conveniences leads John Carter to the cave he's always been looking for and finds it just at a time when one of these hologram dudes shows up Mars is convenient and that it has an atmosphere with air to breathe and it's not ridiculously cold and less gravity so that John Carter can become Superman did the hatching begin because he started looking at them or is it just super for coincidental timing thankfully this amulet that is clearly the conduit to travel between Earth and Mars is picked up by someone Central to the story within minutes of it being lost in complete Wilderness this guy just tried to kill Carter but because Carter jumped really high immediately flips his goals upside down and fights for Carter's life point is this guy really likes jumping don't ever show him Space Jam dark unfortunately for this story written way back in 1917 the Star Wars prequels happen and now everything I see reminds me of those damn Star Wars prequels you good L us martians are dicks to their un born children and I'm okay with that and I am not okay with that b a world on the brink this chick isn't something on my something in the scene hot damn a best troops and fleetest ships are proven less than useless yeah but he's only got the ability to shoot one thing in a concentrated beam are you sure you're not trying to attack this guy one ship at a time because it seems like a coordinated attack could take this [ __ ] down it will work nerve center of the ninth Ray is inconveniently located at a distance from the weapon itself giving Shady [ __ ] walking behind a crowd of people the ability to secretly destroy it he will spare helium if you accept his hand in marriage Royal daughter is betrothed to someone she doesn't love or want to marry cliche he is a monster you must refuse him he's already on his way here I really can't decide on whether I should send the Father for giving away his daughter before Consulting her or the daughter for thinking she had a choice in the matter this is a great time to transform back into my evil self for no reason adoption race the gig Virginia suck he just [ __ ] jumped a second ago trying to get his portkey back all these people have already seen him jump super far CGI Martian h and hilariously blocks John Carter's privates as he's thrown into the goo balll didn't a bunch of wouldbe parents claim these kids during the child wrangling Rodeo a minute ago how did they decide whose baby is who's what oh good they solved that language barrier problem with some sort of Gerber's horn liquid wow he spotted that instantly apparently John Carter has the ability to kill a green Martian with one hit but can't fight off all these guys like cockroaches with the same superhuman strength what have you done how do you know from here that has anything to do with her Hester printin damn don't these guys ever use keys there is no room for another Mark s your next defense would be your last this Society judges worthiness based on how much surface area skin you have on your back a really fat guy could get away with twice as many crimes seriously Keys accidentally well-timed dramatic attack coincides with John Carter's big prisoner prove yourself seen that don't look like a fair fight seriously am I missing something it's a beam of light that he shoots in One Direction and multiple ships should be able to surround and fire upon his ship no problem she survives all this okay so now Gambit and Wolverine's girlfriend from X-Men Origin Wolverine are in the same shot reminding us of X-Men Origins Wolverine Carter loses his sword but thankfully it literally lands in the hands of the princess who is already obviously his true love no take him aive we've been told that this blue yarn thing has more power than just for killing so why can't he use it to subdue or capture a prisoner you can still bleed like darks X makina and I cannot guarantee the safety of your red girl okay first of all that red girl [ __ ] is racist second of all how is she his red girl and how does this th know that doar so jacked man the CGI got super excited in this shot jump for me 23% of this movie is people commanding John Carter to jump said Planet I did say planet now let us wait until nightfalls to discuss this further son then rasu despite calling the planets all different names the people of Mars still call the Sun Sun rasu Mercury then Co this is either a sin for astronomy lessons or for Mars to English lessons I honestly don't care in Earth us John Carter can jump hundreds of feet in the air he's observed an entirely different species and yet he still thinks he's on Earth and that brought me here she instantly knows he means The Medallion as opposed to the TH or the weapon in his hand or any of the other objects that would have seemed logical to a Mars girl tattletale in the time of oceans they walked Among Us this thar helpfully follows them and has the very expositional information they seek there's some kind of writing up there so I'm not going to ask permission to pick you up and jump straight up there with no warning what if I didn't trust you then we'd be even when did this mistrust begin anyway weren't they having a grand old time fighting off sedans a minute ago discount Prince of Persia a thar has no parent but the horde so why was there a mad scramble to chase down and own babies earlier you must hurry I mean to release you well you are just a fountain of Good Fortune aren't you keep moving we'll get there yep that's how trips work I do not think she leads us to the is you've been riding around for days how do you not know that already I cannot marry him even on Mars they play the pronoun game also wait she was screaming about how going to helium would show Carter how worthy their cause against zodanga was but helium AKA her King dad already sold out and agreed to give her to sanga's jedak but she thinks going back to helium is the strategy for getting out of marrying him he offered a truth to my father in exchange for my hand your father tardos Moos saman tardos Moos doar soat tars tarus I'd hate to attend a college graduation on Mars she is a princess Princess of Mars for all credits only the book fans will get that joke if you had the means to save others would you not take any action possible to make it so like marrying the enemy so a truce can spare the lives of all your people pador they have reached the is already damn didn't they go in the wrong direction for days before turning around it took them longer than I thought why are you even here why haven't you already gotten your army to go stop them if you knew they were headed that way you haven't been doing jack [ __ ] since we last saw you that's the second time that's happened it's like jump rape okay so he brought the Army here but why did he magically show up to the canyon first then go find the Army then bring them back why didn't he just appear near the Army and then go to the is Flashback during an action sequence I was too late once I won't be again what the hell does this even mean I understand you weren't there to save your wife and daughter from a fire but how can you predict your future punctuality for house fires or any other calamities guy who couldn't handle a few of those Starks a minute ago is suddenly a oneman army when the movie needs it all you need to know about this fire is that somehow his wife and daughter died but not how the fire started or why he was so damn late to save them guy who said he'd never be late again is too late to jump out of this pile of bodies he came to me alone without an escort I could have had him imprisoned I could have had him killed but I decided to go with plan Z and just trust the guy who's been killing everyone all this time with our two cities United anything is possible somehow this works despite the fact that Deja could easily buy more time to set up her own ninth Ray and not have to marry this dickwad if she just ended him right now all you have to do is marry me this is like the most literal game of Mary kill ever these bad guy guards fall for this terrifically stupid thing you can get us over there she said I could make that dude did we not see you just jumping from airplane to airplane with no issues earlier this seems like a challenge all of the sudden it's traditional zangan worn by the groom's mother I'm told what I mean why are you wearing it then well they built everything a jumping [ __ ] needs to avoid being seen in this room didn't they earlier Mark Strong stopped Saban from shooting Jon because he wanted him alive but here it looks like he's perfectly capable of controlling someone with with this blue web sh and they could have avoided about an hour of this movie and I do not exist indeed I work very hard at it except for right now when I'm telling a total stranger from another planet all about it also why did he bother turning into an old lady what's the point of that she's a remarkable creature and she came very close indeed you mean the ninth Ray it's of no consequence now why is he giving all this crucial information to the audience I mean to John Carter me the two moons meet and vows are exchanged she and anyone else with knowledge of the ninth Ray will be eliminated oh good just enough time to foil the plan we've been playing this game since before the birth of this planet literal Deo X Maka where has woa been this whole time and are we supposed to believe he's so fast he can surprise attack a god woa even somehow knew to bite down on The Medallion to free Jon even though it's never shown the power to be able to hold someone prisoner before Gods after it why don't you go ahead and stop him don't you have the power movie that either does or does not wish to trade on Star Wars imagery devolves into nothing but Star Wars imagery regardless of its wishes oh come on how did Solen not to be standing here right now I told you wow would follow you anywhere except in key scenes where he might have been even more valuable but hoay for the hero dog up now we go seconds after placing Carter in the Cell It's up now we go time why did you even bring him to the cell are there just not latches on these chains or do they have to cut through them every time the chain budget in the th Clan must be insane director had a conflict with a set designer about enough Spike surrounding the arena we are uniting because we call our freaks we are strong because we despise weakness said the guy missing a face horn who despite that freakish weakness somehow became leader no let us watch you don't you hate it when you're throwing someone into an arena and you throw yourself too God I hate that even if he stabbed the white ape how do they not all die from being underneath the white ape when it falls dead single person's chance somehow inspires crowd to join in cliche anticlimactic battle is anticlimactic how does tars know what the salute sign is why is he just returning a gesture he can't possibly understand what if that means I your daughter or I'm covered in nasty ass Blue Blood you saw how the chick shook his hand earlier right movie wants to have its planetary cultural misunderstanding C and eat it too Jesus this has been the longest day ever giving the movie the benefit of the doubt and I don't John maybe wakes up the next day after he slaughtered all these worthless guys but then there's the escape the jumping the meeting with the princess getting controlled by Mark Strong watching some of the the wedding ceremony John asking questions that don't get answered another Escape getting captured again and we assume taken a long way back to where the thks live thrown into a dungeon fighting the white Apes killing tal and then back on the road to stop the wedding graduate style lots of whatevers hit an unguarded thing and the tharks are home free they're at the wedding in helium how could Carter have predicted that head slapping [ __ ] this culture's weddings have the bride and groom carry a literal chain on route to the marriage ceremony no no raise the alarm it's one of us yeah but aren't you given some sort of instructions about possible aircraft flying through darn the wedding and are you the only two people concerned with this thing Sam decides to swing his sword at the water thing rather than Deja even though he has a clear and easy stabbing Lan what is this [ __ ] waiting for you just get behind me sir remember when you were begging his ass to fight for your side in the war because he was such an awesome Warrior kind of doesn't jive with this cute scene here whatever I gave up so long ago I still think we're in America healing his fate is sealed Earth man just kill him already thank the goddess that's over with funny but since we've been told over and over again that thks don't fly the fact that they were able to fly perfectly into this Cathedral is some [ __ ] JN uses this advantage to stab Sab in the knee rather than loing his full head off Shang immediately kills Sab with the blue Matrix but somehow has to go through a long slow War deal with jaon so that Deja can save the day is there an advantage to turning into Deja here I mean two hot chicks is better than one I suppose but you know I mean strategically here's another villain talking instead of killing jedak I see you have changed your metal wait metal or metal or metal metal John proposes marriage after only kn knowing this woman for 2 days also whoo taking off your dead wife's wedding ring to give it to the Mars girl you love now that is a romantic party Foul and then they got married immediately thank goodness Earth people in mars-based heliumites have private parts that allow for romantic sexual marriage Yep this can't possibly come in handy ever again John Carter of Mars sounds much better then why did you name the movie Just John Carter like a fool I thrown away my Medallion narration and even worse not even the same dude that narrated in the opening of this film fourth my body dies on Earth then my copy dies on Mars yeah but what's happening with your copy on Mars do they see your lifeless body at the castle and put you in storage or something bad guys continue to attack in a way that is slow and makes no sense toxin derived from the puffer fish simulates death vague drug that simulates death cliche wow they changed the title that late that they didn't even have time to remove this whoever in the marketing department decided at the last minute to whitewash Mars from the movie's title that guy is an idiot you will jump [Music] Virginia New World a new Fantastic point of view come on L very good push push sh the only good human is a dead human but one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice with his companions lla the mar and Princess Ariel in the AR sir perhaps together the mackar chant of strength lck to L Rock T lck lck to L Ro L Ro L Ro help me Obi-Wan Kenobi you're my only [Music] hope the pen is blue the pen is blue the godamn B is [Music] blue say it now CL ver

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: eww, john carter, review, john carter review, princess of mars, cinema sins, john carter of mars, wave jockey job, mars, everything wrong with, cinemasins, everything wrong with john carter

Id: 4K2yDm-yvcQ

Length: 16min 8sec (968 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 27 2015