Everything Wrong With Beauty and the Beast (2017)

this movie exists ah just what we need a gritty neorealistic reboot of the Disney logo once upon a time in the hidden heart of France narration also France has a hidden heart though country is not even the size of Texas and Texas this heart is where the stars at night are big and bright definitely ain't hidden oh that's right kids there's some extra singing in this book so that we can pad the run time and sell more tracks on iTunes between this and the Hunger Games I'm starting to worry about Stanley Tucci becoming typecast as that dude that where's the of weeks or that dude who will do anything for a paycheck hell has a door right behind the throne in the throne room and why isn't it locked also we know that there's a big-ass front door on this castle but The Enchantress takes the side door to properly buzz kill the entire shindig repulsed by her Haggard appearance the Prince turned the woman away yeah he's a [ __ ] but he's also firmly pretty pissed this old lady crashed his party demanded a room and waved a flower in his face when he dismissed her again the old woman's outward appearance melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress entrapment also it's already maddening that I'm watching the exact same [ __ ] story as the animated movie that came out 26 years ago it's exactly like the shop for shot remake of psycho in 1998 only if a movie that featured Vince Vaughn jerking off it made over a billion dollars and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there The Enchantress gave the prince two [ __ ] chances in five minutes do not be an [ __ ] and because he [ __ ] every [ __ ] in the vicinity was screwed The Enchantress had erased all memory of them from the minds of the people they loved that's an excellent attempt achill as a plot hole opened by the animated movie but it leaves me with a whole new set of questions did The Enchantress also erase all physical evidence of their existence including portraits letters or things they made and I'm sure some mothers and fathers worked in the castle that their spouses suddenly think storks brought them their children or they were miraculously conceived if not he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time or at least until the next reboot sequel which should be coming out in roughly 14 months like the one before harmonious Hermione everyone in this town opens up their window and doors at the exact same time even though there are occupations like bakers and policemen like that which should be working at a much earlier hour Oh JA background public intoxication incarceration is background how do you know something again well I believe I have do I really need to point out that everyone in this movie that set deep in France has English accents except for Lefou and Lumiere I guess so the director said here let's have you eat an apple in the scene they'll make you look like even more of an S hey that's an actual ass eating an apple holy is this movie trolling us this lyric made sense when adults were singing it in the original movie but having a bunch of kids smart shame bail makes me think Bill Condon promised all his nieces and nephews they could totally be in his movie I can't tell who's a bigger dick in the situation the girls for singing about how weird Bell is right in front of her or Bell for almost stepping all over their clean clothes Jesus movie I know you probably had a large floral budget but this is all the flowers look at Halle through to two wise we interrupt this musical number to bring you some good old-fashioned Disney sanctions talking but ever since the war I felt like I've been missing something you know what the first movie was missing more unnecessary Gaston backstory [Music] even for this movie simple [Music] King Millennials never easy but we try Jesus Christ Maurice even gets a [ __ ] song in this version what's next an aria from that chick that's it Bonjour a few minutes ago Maurice not only sketches his daughter obsessively he also has a miniature model of himself painting the painting that's hanging right beside him I think I prefer the crazy inventor that adorably everything up Maurice from the last movie was Thea this Dan this movie about a girl that's captured by a magical beast takes forever to actually beast so what can I bring you from the market they'll spent all morning at the market at which every conceivable item was available edible or otherwise but Maurice is hitting up yet another one in order to finally kick this plot in the ass teaching another girl to read isn't one enough that's booked sister we have to tell you something King what the punishment for teaching a young girl to read is to empty out all of Belle's laundry on the street these tales folk have gone from singing about how curious Bell is to outright public humiliation well I wanted was to teach a child to read beauty and the dangerous minds and the beasts the only children is to concern yourself whether your own boobie can't decide if it wants to pad its runtime with a ton of extra songs or a pad it's run time with a ton of village centric tomfoolery but by god it will pad its runtime yes Boldin by the success of another enema in a recent musical Emma Watson is perfectly fine with being just okay at singing no if that's the village way back there Bell just covered at least a mile on foot within two measures of the song if the opening credits are any indication Belle should have an excellent view of the magical kingdom from up here I don't Maurice goes to the same market every year you Oscar that every year every year bring it but the star not only gets lost he seems completely unconcerned about it phillipe ex machina also come the gone these walls were standing there ready for a tasty Dave to fall off the cliff but there's a much bigger and meteor target that's apparently standing right in front of them since this movie suffers from the exact issue about the castle being in plain sight I'll just repeat the same sin I gave the last movie the Beast has only been secretly feasting for 10 years but Maurice is somehow unaware of this very nearby castle also it's super weird that the villagers wouldn't be at all disturbed but the prints of the very nearby castle hasn't been seen or heard from in years and even if this princess officially reclusive you think that someone would know one of the 300 live-in servants and wonder where they are right right also in the last movie this event occurs almost eight minutes earlier so you see what I mean with the whole pad the runtime thingy okay I know I'm being hard on this movie mostly because it sucks and was completely unnecessary but I will give it credit for looking freaking beautiful the set design and the castle is unbelievable oh thank you I know Maurice is supposed to be kind of an idiot and movie does half the movie but why the hell would Maurice think this meal is for him good night Rose Marie stops to get Bella souvenir from his horrific ordeal at the castle so they can both look at it and cry together in terror this works like what if she is the one the one who break this bad lumière has all three of his candles lit when it's broad daylight but was flameless last night when Maurice came by maurices cough could have come from anywhere in the castle but bill goes directly to the tower where he's held this is the best father-daughter echolocation trick since taken to no go before she finds you Maurice plays the burndown game so that we can get a properly dramatic introduction to the beast punish me not him no he means forever apparently that's what happens around when you pick a flower damn all of a sudden it's apparent that Maurice would be excellent at cinema since yeah I won't let you do this yeah I'll totally be fine just got a terrible disease that will disappear the minute I leave this castle everything I have is because of you Belle rubs it in maurices face that he single-handedly made her into a moody wanderlust hang social pariah hello Beauty and the Beast franchise continues its curious tradition of giving the voice of Lumiere to anyone but a French dude is plan of yours he's dangerous ignoring the fact that Belle is well within earshot what about Lumiere's plan seems dangerous trying to set the beast up with the one woman that's come by to the castle right before the last petal of the flower drops sure he may be pissed at the beginning what else is Lumiere supposed to [ __ ] do wait for the next one to come by we thought this opera singer turned wardrobe thing wasn't weird enough so it gave her narcolepsy are all these flying fabrics also sentient if so why do they have less individuality than the [ __ ] dog footrest what are the rules [Applause] choose the route of the scene and in this instance it is not a good thing I eat five dozen eggs so I'm roughly the size of our ball this song is a great example of why this [ __ ] movie is so stupid the use of animation to make these preposterous claims as a million times more fun than watching Josh GAD and his invisible wires she's nice she's locked in a dungeon who's gotta even in desperate situations Maurice simply cannot stop playing a pronoun game what indication is the movie given us that Maurice is crazy he's a widower that makes pretty amazing tchotchkes and cares for his daughter even though the movie is over two hours it ain't got time to explain that she's the daughter of a common thief I didn't think it was possible but they actually made the Beast less likeable in the beginning of the first movie also I'm gonna go ahead and give the Beast CG a perspective sin for how cheesy and dated it's gonna look in ten years also why did they have to CG the Beast there are a million ways to dress Dan Stevens up to look realistic via costumes and practical effects but this will [ __ ] it was mostly done on Windows 98 paint program and when she opens the dog give out a dashing debonair smile come come show me the smile show me the girl mirror ISM also thank God the Beast looked at on Belle when she wasn't continuing to try and climb out the window which for some reason she stopped doing I grew three more feathers and I just plucked yesterday I know darling I'm getting more metallic every day for the castle staff but this was the worst the Enchantress could do I mean I guess I understand changing the Prince into a beast for being a dick but why did she turn the staff into furniture and appliances even if you were trying to punish them for some bizarre reason why aren't they also animals Nanny McPhee isn't Jessica Fletcher at this scene oh yes be our guest but uh salvus to the test hearing an inferior version of a classic Disney song you've heard a million times it's like listening to Justin Bieber try and sing like Kurt Cobain don't believe me ask the dishes so are all the dishes also servants in the house and if so would be difficult to ask them anything because they're almost just normal dishes the only discernible difference these dishes have two standard dishes is that they can fly in coordination to a musical number and if these dishes actually have human souls trapped inside of them then what happens when the spell is broken is the entire cast will suddenly devoid a flatware and fine china man damn it if only Bell spoke French also who wrote this menu is there a character here that would be able to not only will depend but perfectly print Lumiere's cloth napkin is a PSA on how not to do fire safety ah those good old days when we were you spoon hey Cogswell they'll smile is saying I appreciate the effort of the musical number but I haven't eaten in days and would prefer to just have a nice hot meal in peace and this ornate fanfare is keeping me from it Lily strangely doubles down on the psychedelic teapot scene that was so out of place in the animated version Budi cruelly Lumiere offers a tiny amount of food to the woman he's been openly tempting for the entire length of a Disney World ad holy beast feels the need to candle got some candles this movie trying to tell me by showing me this is this a bed now has he been eating a deer right here and leaving the antlers this is a failed arts and crafts project which is shockingly easy to do Elle is easily disarmed by CGI fakery seriously I guess these wolves aren't as bad as the Scorpion King or anything but it's clear the movie blew its effects budget on that be our guest showpiece pious beat so good at fighting other beasts when the Enchantress enchanted him it was really all just about appearances right so it's not like he should have Wolverine like abilities against these wolves shot looks less like beasts about to faint and more like there's a glitch in the computer yes beasts just save Belle's life and yes we got to get this creepy love story started but for reals why the hell would she not run here he's literally said one nice thing to her during her imprisonment and that was under duress from his servants let's say beasts did just get up walk over and hop on top of Phillipe how is Philippe able to walk after his experience with the wolves plus carrying a 400-pound beast on his back it was downed by lightning at the time but now it's resumed in an upright position I guess the forest also has something to gain from the curse being broken since it's currently [ __ ] with Maurice and making him look insane to Gaston and all the other townspeople that way definitely that way done playing this game gulps Gaston wrote all this way with Maurice but gets fed up right before the entrance of the magical forest loosened a bit in the West Wing well you should learn to control your temper Belle sick burn is much more painful with the beast and the wolf bites when the master lost his mother and his cruel father twisted him out to be just like him we did nothing and that is why we were all including my young son just asking to be cursed forever also does anyone expose out of earshot in this movie this number is for all the people that were clamoring for a lost childhood song to be added to the original soundtrack what happens when the last petal falls the master remains a beast forever and we become antiques what kind of bold enchanting is this bull after the flower petals fall the Beast keeps beasting for all time but the staff died god damn that's a stiff price to pay for not intervening in a kid's abusive upbringing movie forgot about the last time a petal fell when there was a minor earthquake in the castle that the staff all recognized drink thank you thank you I got that makes a rare appearance here too ex machina Marisa situation they remind us that she's a character that will likely do the same to the whole movie by the end of it are you making jokes now so his Belle just put away all thoughts of escape even though she was easily able to do it before even if she wants to help and get the staff back to normal if she's still digging around in the librarian starting up beast eale romance instead of doing anything that would be helpful but he was mean he was coarse unrefined but that was way back yesterday so I'm sure he's worked all he's yeah who knows with this pace bill may be pregnant by then a little gift from The Enchantress book truly allows you to escape The Enchantress stop by after cursing the [ __ ] out of these folks and dropped off a gift who's the cruelest trick of all you know except for cursing to how hundreds of innocent people magical book that allows you to go directly to certain places is totally different than a boot or Triwizard cup or a statue head or anything else that rhymes with short Pete this is the Paris of my childhood movie throws yet another unnecessary song at us that you probably won't remember within five seconds of watching this movie happen to your mother it was the one story Paul could never bring himself to tell I need better than to ask what you don't know what happened to your mother because your dad appeared too choked up about it to tell the story and for that reason you never work a fella to ask or demand to hear it works for the screenplay but it makes no [ __ ] sense you must leave now Disney says your kids childhoods we're gonna go all plague on their asses I'm sorry I ever called your father see so violence then they'll can go back to Marines to not be a prisoner for the rest of eternity guess so did you try to kill Maurice last night everyone was calling more he's crazy but now he comes in and impugns the most famous person in the town and everyone believes him even a little cheese the one main character is the one cliche instead of a date beast and Belle agreed to get dressed up and have a good old-fashioned staring contest the animated version has much more amazing camerawork and movie magic than this retread but this does have 97 percent more move bustin why can't the coat rack talk someone staff members were turned into mute versions and some work so does that mean The Enchantress went through them one by one no go well time is almost paused I was the one who had it all beast spends what he thinks are his final moments ratcheting up yet another forgettable addition to the soundtrack damn they still have Maurice at the bar he was accosted by gasps Tom's goons way back before the Beast even took a bath then he and Belle got all dressed up danced the discount Peabo Bryson had their talk mirrored broke up and beast had time to sing an unnecessary song from the brief close-up look of Maurice in the mirror that showed him struggling Belle was not only able to glean his exact location but timed her entrance to perfectly intercept the asylum wagon the monster has her under her spell if I didn't know better I'd say she even cared for him this is a ridiculous assumption to make on gaston's part I know he's a sandy puddle but he's still trying to get with Belle right so why throw her into the bus in front of the whole town everyone's all bloodlust and all but no one has a clue about where the castle is even if the mirror shows the castle itself it doesn't show the route also is it Maurice vindicated now no one's saying he's is under the beasts spell so why does he have to stay locked up in the cart there's one thing this town does exceptionally well it's mobilized an angry mob they got ready for this beast hunt like a NASCAR pit crew as the movie progresses the time to get between the village and the castle is shrinking took more than half a day for Maurice to get out there in the first place but by this point the villagers can make it back to that in less than a song on foot I know what happened to mammal even though the castle is under attack we've still got time for some backstory booked about Belle's mom sorry friend his hero time instead of continuing to attack Gaston the castle staff lets him whittle equip all over the floor yeah it's shocking how Pirates of the Caribbean this thing ends up feeling the castle begins crumbling like the boss level of some Super Mario game for no other reason besides adding suspense movie was definitely going for the record of most edits within a rooftop jumping sequence but unfortunately still came up short too Captain America Civil War are covered East gets a little presumptuous about how this nights gonna end it was a lot to serve with you the honor was mine main characters are fully objectified in the order of their caste billing because we need to see the first of many curtain calls in this movie I love you luckily Belle waited until the Agatha chant hrus was within earshot to express her love for the Beast I mean if you're a magical entity who's cursed set the plot in motion then showed up right at the last minute to right all the wrongs in dramatic fashion that's the ultimate x mark right and often obi-wan share a brief moment before heading off to fight Voldemort so there now don't ever be a dick again or I'll curse the entire country [ __ ] oh yeah okay and the prince looks like he's totally ready to chill down at the beach and knock back some sick cold ones bro how would you feel about growing a beard oh you movie it takes almost four minutes for a movie to complete the task of sucking its own [Music] he taxed the village to fill his castle with the most beautiful people do two wives he's a peeping tom she's the only girl just be that sense of humor I don't know warrant I'm gates bad before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed or worse expelled give our dashing debonair smile come come show me the smile [Music] you [Music] you are the ones most gorgeous thing I've ever seen who are you who are you look at me

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,065,160

Keywords: everything wrong with, beauty and the beast, live-action, emma watson, live action, cinemasins, movie, review, eww, cinema sins, beauty & the beast, wave jockey job, mistakes

Id: ZIBPunnSimc

Length: 19min 23sec (1163 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 13 2017