Chris Rock's Everybody Hates Chris / LOL! Network

[Music] becoming manager of the football team had its Pur I wasn't exactly part of the cool crowd but I did get to be around [Music] me hey yo Chris this milk smells funny taste this and tell me if it's spoil yeah it's spoil yeah I thought so anyway like I was saying Tac is going to be the next Bruce Lee Tac you mean Tac from The Last Dragon that time no tyac from CNN yeah that's right I love that movie after The Last Dragon Karate became more popular in the ghetto than poverty everybody was doing it boys were doing karate girls were doing it even old people were doing it he's not doing karate he's just crazy hey we're going to see a midnight show on Time Square come if you want no I can't midnight yeah what's the matter past your bedtime yes nah I just I just had this party I was supposed to go to but you know I guess I can skip that all right cool we'll see you there not at midnight you won't [Music] a make it po [Music] now wow I can't believe you're going to see The Last Dragon with Dickerson in his crew you're so in there no Greg I'm not my parents AR going to let me see a midnight movie and why just say yes cuz I don't to look like some punk who can't get out the house past 9: but since you are what are you going to tell him after you don't show up that I got sent to jail for killing my nerdy white friend while I was planning a good excuse my dad was planning my mom's anniversary what's up everybody he young where's Manny he's opening another Shop in Detroit when did you start come here when we were kids everybody in our house had a job Ryan was the barber so Julius where you taking Rochelle for her anniversary tonight we're going to see show dogs on Broadway dogs what's that about it's only the most extravagant Musical Ever to come to the United States from a foreign Shore it's a high volage spectacle a song and dance oo is that all no girl we're going to have dinner at domain and mayor and we're spending a night at the Time Square Regency Hotel oh a hotel not a motel oh no I don't do outside hallways oh that sounds good I was married once but anniversary he took me to a ncks game I broke up with him at half time and ended up going home with Bernard King between his hair and my Armando M bag I don't think I'm going to be able to stand myself while my mom was gearing up to go out I was bailing out to stay in hey Dickerson I can't make it to that movie tonight it's my cousin's birthday and she's really counting on me to be at the party all right man but you missing out next time yeah maybe and maybe I'll never get invited out again all right well I hope you feel better get some rest who's that Gloria she got a fever she won't be able to watch the kids tonight what oh baby I can't believe this that was $150 worth of Show tickets uh-oh she's about to do a dramatic head turn told you show tickets what about our anniversary well that's what I meant we won't be able to used $150 worth of Show tickets to celebrate our anniversary Sydney porier had nothing on my father's acting abilities and the award for best husband acting like he was sad about not going out on his anniversary when he was actually upset about losing his money goes to Julius julus ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music] what's wrong I thought you guys were going out the sit cancelled and my anniversary is ruing other than that everything is fine if this was a cartoon you'd see a light bulb appear above my head I can watch you and Tanya and you and Dad can still go out Chris this is not for a few hours it'll be all night Ma I can handle it well what if JW gets a fever I'll call the doctor what if T set something on fire I'll call the fire department what if somebody tries to break head I'll call the police what if you get attacked by ghosts I'll call Ghostbusters Ma I can do it mean I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us and the award for best kid pretending like he gives a damn about his mother's anniversary when he really wants to get out of the house so he can sneak out and do something he doesn't have any business doing goes to [Music] Chris Chris ladies and Gent [Music] [Applause] thank you Chris I'm going go get ready that left only one thing for me to do hey Dickerson yeah good news the party got cancelled I'll see you guys at the movies it's Chris the football team manager from tatalia yeah yeah cool why my parents got ready for their big big night out I got ready for my big sneak out hey Drew Tanya Chris is in charge I want y'all to be on your best behavior if Chris accidentally catches on fire jumps out of window to Fan out the flames and falls to his death is he still in charge no then Drew is in charge boy what are you doing I'm going to get on this incredible by using my psychic powers to bend the spoon not with my good silver you not go mind bend the spork or something Chris you know what you do yeah I got everything covered I got all the emergency numbers Fire Police SWAT FBI C A IRS NAACP and the NBA in case Chris Mullen breaks in bye all right we'll be back in the morning while my parents were at the play I was getting ready to make a play that's not incredible that's just [Music] stupid she sleeps like like an angel but acts like the devil I love you baby this is going to be the best anniversary ever I [Music] know hey um no no I hey he he was he was he's okay so while my father had stopped the show before it started I was starting to think Dickerson was a no-show [Music] Chris Chris [Music] the idol sister is the devil's [Music] workshop even though nobody showed I figured since I was out I may as well go in forget this that's what happen when you talk over the trail of the Three Men and a Baby the next day I pulled a Robert Blake and tried to forget all about the shooting make sure it's tight honey isn't this how died no deie died from secondary parenting KN due to a RT fle from being punched in the stomach hey kids mom dad bab so Chris how did it go great fine never been better smooth as silk with a bullet hole in it so how's the play well we never saw it because we got kicked out because your dad knocked out one of the actors he knocked out one of the dogs well he snuck up on me you were in a theater not an alley hey look at this a guy got shot last night right down the street from where you guys saw the play oh too bad we didn't go see a movie maybe your dad could have knocked out the shooter did they catch the guy who did it nope how do you get shot in a movie theater and not have any Witnesses because nobody wants to be a snitch that's why what do you mean in early days in the black communities people enjoyed telling on each other you couldn't do anything without getting caught who did this he did thousands of criminals were sent to jail by law- abiding citizens thanks no problem it wasn't until those people got out of jail and start killing the people that sent them there that snitching got a bad rep who did this I don't know wasn't me when dinner was finished Tanya was just getting started I Know What You Did words no man ever wants to hear a woman say what what did I do you know you snuck out of the house last night prove it busted okay how much do you want $50 $50 that's my whole week's pay is either that or mom's going to smack the sneak out of you [Music] fine how long was that 2 minutes and 15 seconds damn I was getting found out at home and finding out things at school hey Chris what happened at the movies Friday night we couldn't make it but I heard somebody got shot somebody got shot yeah oh well I wouldn't know cuz I didn't go hold up you stood us up but you just said that you didn't go it don't matter if we invite you someplace we expect you to show up that's just rude man sorry too bad we didn't go we seen that shooting we be collecting that reward money right now reward money yeah the cops are offering $1,000 to anybody who can identify the shooter $1,000 what are you a parrot a parrot yeah every time I say something you say it I say it anyway I'll catch you later catch you later don't stand us up again in the meantime the silent treatment was ringing in my father's [Music] ears come on honey it's been 3 days how long you going to keep giving me the silence treatment you ruined my anniversary I'll say about a year he'd like to go for two why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain I spent money on dinner tickets a hotel and what do I get $250 worth of angry stare nowadays that stare cost over a thousand okay Mr hert feelings exactly what is it that you want me to do happy anniversary jet Beauties again have fun baby I'll see you [Music] tomorrow now you just had to push it didn't you my mother didn't even want my father's dreams to run off with a white woman back at school I was wondering how to collect ,000 without collecting a bullet in my back you can't do it man you have any idea what they do to snitches in the joint you yeah I do my aunt Patricia told me your aunt Patricia was in jail yeah but that was when she was still my Uncle Pat trust me dude you do not want to snitch I don't know man I got to do something it's $1,000 with my name on it whatever you do don't include me and if anybody asks this conversation never happened to get that cold Hard Cash I needed someone to take the heat so all I got to do is go into the police station give a description of the guy they give me $11,000 and I can keep half right no thanks I ain't trying to be no snitch oh no see you're not snitching I'm snitching you're just collecting a snitch money okay I'll do it but don't tell nobody you think I am a snitch [Music] yes you got the money they said I get it as soon as they arrest the guy so you told them about the red shirt and two- tone shoes and the stingy brm hat y it was either a black guy or Justin timet then I picked him out of the lineup you did what I picked him out of the lineup you never saw him what you picked the wrong guy hey it happens to me all the time hold it right there you're under arrest what falsifying police report obstruction of justice back then police still cared about arresting the right [Music] person at the barber shop rumors about the Rome was spreading faster than Britney be for the paparazzi can I believe Jerome snitched ain't nothing they hate more in jail than a snitch there's a few things they hate more but let's say snitch is in the top five man I know a dude that committed suicide didn't leave a note cuz he didn't want to be a snitch is it really that bad in there nah prison is fun you guys don't think they kill him do you don't look at me I don't don't nothing back home my father the hopes some special treatment within the silent treatment juice what the heck are you doing here in the dark I'm giving you your anniversary back Julius this is amazing you did all of this for me and there's more I got you two tickets to show dogs tonight I have to work but you can take Vanessa well what about the kids Chris stayed with him the other night he can take care of him again a baby this is the best makeup anniversary ever translation you blew it once don't let it happen again my father was out of the dogghouse but Jerome was still stuck in the big house hello little dude from across the street Jerome yo you got to get me out of here man people think I'm a snitch and how am I supposed to do that I ain't no snitch so even if I did know I wouldn't tell you all I know is I'm in here because of you so either we both going to be out or we both going to be in you decide I had to sneak out of the house but there's always one little thing stood in my way Tanya what I have to go out and I want you to tell how much $10 plus you do laundry on my next turn deal down at the police station I needed to get Jerome out without getting myself thrown in what can I do for you son I got a question how can I get someone out of jail who shouldn't be in jail two ways you got to post bail or they got to be innocent well what if they're in jail for giving information that was wrong well then bring us to person with the information that's right you mean the snitch I like to call them the laws Little Helpers is there something you want to tell me I had run out of options the only way to get Jerome out of that dirty jail was to come clean okay Meanwhile my mother celebrated her anniversary the way my father dreamed it with Vanessa about to start it and that's why black people hate Broadway what y'all looking at after trying not to snitch on someone else I had to finally snitch on myself man little dude I'm I glad to see you you're lucky your story checked out son your friend could have got hurt in there you guys would protecting them right no and don't try running games on us again we do this stuff for a living am I going to jail you seemed like a decent kid and there was no real harm done besides that guy that got shot so we're going to forget this happened now you you seem like a criminal that's because he is we're going to let you go too he'll be back you're lucky we got bigger fish to fry right now don't you Knuckleheads let me catch you doing anything like this again yes sir little dude you snitched yeah thanks that day I learned people don't like it when a snitch puts them in jail but they sure don't mind it when a snitch gets them [Music] out that week my mother got another surprise hello ma'am yes can I help you you must be Chris's mom uh may I come in sure as I'm sure you're aware last Friday at the midnight movies Kristen was a witness to a shooting he was yes and the valuable information he gave us led us to the arrest of the perpetrator oh wait hold on last Friday at midnight yes you didn't know no well anyway I'm just here to personally deliver this reward of $1,000 and to thank him is he around he's around but I'm not sure how much longer officer thank you so much for coming by I'll be sure that he gets this of course thank you for your time mhm if you don't mind me asking what in the world is he doing well he's trying to get on that's incredible son I hate to be the one to tell you this but that's incredible has been off the air for 2 years now they're called reruns the only thing that hurt more than Drew's feet was my saw behind after my mom gave me a whooping but the next day I was just glad everything was behind me yo little dude from across the street I heard they caught the shoo and you got paid I did my part so where's my $500 my mom took it you can ask up for it nah nah man my deal was with you well I don't have it well then looks like you're just going to have to give me a dollar a day for the next [Music] 500 days I was going to say 50 well that's what you get for snitching now let me hold a dollar everybody [Music] hat after I became the manager of talia's football team I only had time to work at on the weekends working two days a week seemed like it was going to be a breeze and then doc got a girlfriend hey Chris I want you to meet my new Leading Lady look ahead look ahead Stacy all right hi she be taking over with me here on the weekends docs told me so much about you he didn't tell me a thing about you when do you mean taking over well you know I could use a little time off so I'll be minding the store we'll get along great and you'll be working for a much better looking boss cool and remember whatever she says goes yeah no problem are these cans always so dusty problem Stacy may have been a dream come true for Doc but she turned out to be my worst nightmare there all on Chris you did it all wrong I want everything on the top to go on the bottom and everything on the bottom to go on the top why because she's crazy because I don't work for you you work for me I told you she's crazy and when you're finished with that have some erands for you to run when she said I worked for her she meant it I had to go for groceries get a dry cleaner and mine her cold and when you're done go get me a new bird Believe It or Not Doc's girlfriend was only the second worst boss I've had Mr Fong was the worst and I could only imagine how hard it would be working for him again hey quit imagining what it would be like to work for me and get back to work Lio Richie I was happy doc had a girlfriend too bad I have to kill [Music] her a make your PO now [Music] since my father knew everything there was to know about having jobs I decided to ask him what to do about Stacy hey Dad you ever had a boss you didn't like I never had one I did like why you having trouble with Doc no I love doc this his girlfriend whoo whoa something stop right there that STS woman whether you like it or not she's here to stay you think so the Beatles didn't break up Johnny Yoko if it comes down to you and her you going to be out of a job cuz if you have a problem with her you going to have a problem with Doc but I've been on the job with Doc for years she's been on a job for a month let's just say you two do very different jobs let's just say what he does to her now she's doing to me you getting paid to do whatever keeps that woman happy like is broing why do I have to do that that's why they call it a job Chris apparently you got it mixed up with a vacation there's nothing I can do well don't you think that's taking it a little far if it is then it must not be that bad uh while I wanted less attention from my boss okay Tanya wanted more attention from boys hey Tanya do boys always pay attention to you like that sometimes do you think I'm pretty no it's not that Tanya boys aren't paying attention to me just because I'm pretty it's because now I'm wearing a bra a bra yep that's why boys like you hi Tasha how you doing hi Robert what are you doing here since having Stacy kidnapped was out of my price range I decided to make my case with Doc what are you doing here Chris you don't work till tomorrow I came talk to you about Stacy I love Stacy she came by today and brought me a pie man she was 13 probably have to take her from you doc you'd have to get past R Kelly first Stacy that is one f and woman I think she's a real keeper but what is it you want to ask me can you lend me money for a kidnapping nothing I just wonder how you guys met well well that's a funny story but not so funny that we're going to watch him while he tells It Anyway while doc was talking Stacy up over at nessa's it was about to go down hi may I help you I hope so I need a touchup I need a little trim I need some low lights and I need to get out of here inside of 2 hours you need an appointment I'm sorry we're all booked up no you're not there's an empty chair right there that client is running a little late she'll be here any minute well I'm here and she's not excuse me what do you think you're doing well I don't understand why I have to wait to be served while you hold a spot for somebody that obviously doesn't respect your business enough to show up here on time or is that why the place is empty now wait a minute Miss Thing I have two questions for you who are you and who asked you I'm Stacy devau it's French you want to hear some more French I know you you the one been messing with Doc I am not messing with Doc we're a couple and that's a little bit different than a mess not too much excuse me your excuse okay I'm going to have to ask you to leave I'm sorry we can't help you yes you are sorry and you don't need to help me you need to help yourself I know you are but what am I I asked Greg what to do about Stacy and he gave me the advice he always gave regarding women I don't know what to tell you dude thanks Stacy really that bad last weekend she made me give her grandmother a bath Chris I hear you sneaking out don't you leave me in this tub again why don't you just quit you can find another job not like this one I mean I make decent money it's close to my house and I can make my own hours it's see dock so I start dealing crack well how come she's not with Doc anyways I mean where is he he plays chess in the park on weekends just get her to go with him thanks Captain Obvious I'm not supposed to do that I don't know citizen Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution the rest is up to you kind of like Google while doc tried to protect his King I tried to get rid of his Queen where's your old lady I left her at the store you know need need to bring sand to the beach who are you calling sand I had to get Stacy with Doc and once I went to the park I found out what I had to do I had to get doc to take sand to the beach check check mate here's your dress they said they give you this C just for another dry cleaner you might want to try it's in Canada go get me some egg fu young at woo ooh I need some stamps too and then run by my apartment and see if the mail came in I don't want my check to get stolen before I went on my next run I decided to give her the runaround so um what exactly does Doc do on the weekends he's playing chess at the park at the park with the sugar daddies who oh the sugar daddies you know that's what the ladies call them what ladies the ones at the park I can't get a girl to talk to me at school but these old men have them fighting over them if I don't have a Woman by the time I'm I'm 60 I'll kill myself I'm picking up chess and going to the park I should have known better should have known better what known better than to listen to a sneaky 15-year-old it is the same thing over and over again and Stacy is tired of it Stacy is not a fool when Stacey smells smoke Stacy doesn't stand around and wait for the fire Stacy is leaving refer to yourself in the third person it's not just for athletes anymore what do you want me to tell doc tell doc he can kiss you're black don't tell doc anything it's not your job first time she ever said that I was like Cupid's little brother damn I'm good after I dropped the bomb on Stacy unfortunately Stacy Dropped a Bomb on Doc hey Doc what you doing here where's Stacy she's gone I found this letter she said it's over call me every name in the book you can never find that book at the library I don't understand did something happened yesterday no unless you think me sabotaging your relationship is strange I just can't figure it out [Music] you okay I'm not feeling very well I'm going to go in the back and lie down get the bottle of whiskey for me at least he didn't ask me for a box of tissues and get me that box of [Music] tissues doc hadn't needed whiskey and tissue since Macy oaca left James Brown's band at Tanya School her first day of wearing a bra also involved a box of tissue because as it turns out they were useful for the end of relationships and for the beginning hi tell hey Tanya inside of 2 minutes Tanya discovered bras not only got you attention they got you favors can I buy you lunch can I do your homework they got your gifts voila you bought me a car if you don't like it I can get you another one but I need a day and they also got you questions tyan that's a nice necklace where'd you get it oh this boy gave it to me well give it back you're too young to be getting gifts from boys jeez don't get carried away it's just a plastic necklace next would be a plastic bracelet then a plastic ring I want this to stop at the neck he said that till she turned 35 hey Drew how's doc I didn't see him today he closed the store he's all depressed because his girlfriend left him what well you asked me Doc just dodged a bullet she was nothing but a gold digger anyway what's a gold digger it's a woman who's with an older man for his money isn't that an old Digger just because doc has a little money doesn't make her a gold digger besides what's wrong with Doc having a younger woman is that what you going to say to me when I turn 60 you just going to leave me and run off with a 35 year old cashier she should be about 12 right about now why don't you run out and buy her a plastic necklace of the million things my father could have said at that moment he chose the smartest one nothing did doc say when he was going to reopen he said he might never reopen I got rid of Stacy my job and docks will the live way to go [Music] dummy Tanya Tanya are you up there [Music] Tanya what are you doing I was looking for you oh it's time for you to go to school [Music] okay while doc was feeding the bums Los and Stacy was eating him [Music] up you spoken to Stacy no no she won't see me you said that you were thinking about closing up the store I'm going pack up my things and move to Florida buy a boat be sad there you're leaving I know I know how much you like that job Chris I'm sorry this had to happen especially since it was my own fault [Music] [Music] when my mother found the bra in my father's sock drawer she stared at it like the woman was still in it over at Stacy's I didn't know what was worth having to confess what I had done or feeling like I was in a Bronx Zoo so what you want to talk to me about you got to give doc another chance Chris Doc is a liar and I know that you want to take up for him but he doesn't deserve another chance he is like all the other men I've ever dated he lied they lied because they're Liars story of the Bush Administration Doc's not like that he is Chris don't grow up to be like that no matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings you have to tell her the truth she may hate you she may burn down your house or pour bleach on your clothes or attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make she may scratch her car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long distance or she could put milk and detergent in your gas tank or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear she may glue your private part to your leg she may send an assassination threat to the president with your return address Stacy doc didn't do anything it was me now L Chris don't you see how he's using a child to make excuses for him he's not the truth is Stacy I don't like you and I don't like how hard you're making me work I was trying to get rid of you trying to break you and dock up what why wouldn't you like me you're making me clean your house you missed a spot see Chris everybody likes me no nobody likes you except for Doc and Drew and Drew doesn't count he just likes pie how's that for honest now she's going to burn your house down you going burn my house down no glue my eyelid shut Chris no just a little surprised a lot surprised well doc really misses you he didn't do anything to deserve this and neither did you so just wanted to say I'm sorry Chris I am very disappointed in you and as soon as you finish washing the dishes I want you out of my house where you going I'm going to get my man andless Apocalypto throws a spear in you while one innocent man was off the hook another was on death bro and didn't even know it I love this [Music] song Dinner smells delicious what is it two breasts since when have you been interested in guns since I found this bra in your stop draw if my father had been paying attention he would have noticed a few things I don't know anything about that bro I've never seen that BR in my life so what was it doing in your sock drawer I have no idea did a pair of your socks have a date last night and get lucky or maybe a pair of your socks thought it was a bra trapped inside socks body or maybe you had a friend over and she put him there even if I had a friend shut up and I was crazy enough to bring her over shut up do you think I'd be crazy enough to put a bra in my sock drawer when I know you do the laundry what you shut up so you thought about this I told your ass to shut up no then if you didn't put it there who did I don't know [Music] okay I'm going to ask this question once but before I ask it I want y'all to understand what the stakes are because if y'all say that you've never seen that bra before I'm going to kill your father yeah and then I'm going to go to jail and then you guys are going to be split up and sent to live in foster care sounds like a BET movie of the week so does everybody understand okay okay the question is did anybody sitting at this table put that bra in your father's sock drawer no wasn't me we have a winner okay boys you can go to bed now gladly Julius you can leave too lucky okay Tanya talk to me well I saw these boys paying attention to girls who wear bras so I stole tasers because I wanted some of that attention too baby Tanya that's not the kind of attention that you want you want boys to look at what's in your heart not what's in your bra in my sister's case they were both empty Tanya you're moving too fast I mean you're not ready for this what did you do stick tissue in it yeah okay well Tanya you having a bra is like you buying a a saddle before you get the horse you know boys will pay attention to you but they're not really looking at you they're admiring your saddle and and and when you do get the horse then everything is different because then you need the [Music] saddle wait are we talking about bras or Saddles Saddles it wasn't pretty but doc had gotten his Knights back with his Queen you know your K's in check he most certainly is Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weakend which is all I ever wanted docet said he was getting another cashier whoever it was they would have to be better than stac hey Lono Richie you're late get busy scrub [Music] floor when I became football team manager I learned the first rule of sports when they're not playing athletes expect other people to do things for them they expected you to do easy things hey Chris hit that pwder for [Music] me thanks man I got any water on my face they expected you to do hard thing hey Chris put this back in the weight room for me they expected you to do ridiculous things hey Chris could you eat this for me I don't like it but mostly they expected you to do things they couldn't do hey Chris I need to talk to you man what's up what's up is coach Thurman's going to fail me fail you you're like the best guy on the team all you have to do is show up in it's automatic gay why would he fail you something about me never showing up to class look he's tripping I don't know why we need to learn about history anyway what difference does it make who won World War I it's over the Japanese won and now we have wers thank God Italy won World War I and and we got pizza so what you going to do about it it's not what I'mma to do about it it's what you're going to do about it I need you to do my history assignments for me man this is a lot of work come on man I thought we were cool what am I going to get out of it I'll owe you one you will yeah even though doing Dickinson's work was like taking an extra class I knew him owing me one would be worth it all right I'll do it [Music] oh make your poy now [Music] when Dickinson said my man it was like making me vice president it was the next best thing to be in him what's this it's your homework I Summarize chapter 3 it starts with the magnet Carta and how it affected the Surfs in rural England my man that's it that's what I had expected a little more I thought by being cool with Dickerson a whole new world would open up in school that'll be a dollar wa w his lunch is free that's my man after class hey give me a number that's my [Music] man even in the streets what do we have here hey hey don't arrest him that's my man oh my sorry there you go no problem yo you just going to knock my man's stuff out of his hand and not pick it up sorry Caruso knows how to say sorry anyway what' you want nothing my man back at home I wasn't the only one who needed a new man on the job oh excuse me Mr Jun was exactly the man I was looking for is everything all right actually I got a bit of a situation you wouldn't know anyone looking for a job would you me me I want a job me I wanted I me what kind of job I mean I might be interested if my father had been a rapper his name would have been Snoop jobby job don't you already have two jobs you want another one that's like asking Amy wein housee if she wants another drink what's the job well my assistant died today oh no what happened well he went to a dollar theater to watch the movie Airplane when ironically a chemical toilet fell out of an airplane crashed through the roof and crushed them tragic tragic anyway I need a replacement what would I have to do well you don't pickups deliveries that's what I already do well all right then you hired uh here you go now the van's out front well what's this oh the address to the theater I need you to pick up my dead assistant Ro jc5 and I believe it's entitled to a refund so you keep that as a signing bonus with a new job and a signing bonus my father thought he had been hit by a chemical toilet and gone to heaven meanwhile doing Dickerson's work was killing me yo Chris you didn't finish that homework oh yeah this is my homework I did yours last night it's a complete time line of the significant events that led up to World War I my man hey give me a sandwich turkey with uh cheese and Mayo on it they don't have that today they got it across the street cool my man hey Walter hey Carol you hungry my man was just about to get me a sandwich I'll take one make that too cool my man C just then am I crazy oh when Dickerson said my man was he talking to you yeah he was talking to me that's awesome feel like his number two guy now it's like Chico in the man My Man Godfrey our man Flynn I can't even imagine the perk's got to be great well so far the only perk is kuso saw me earlier and then punched me in the face what's up Parish hey bird so what's up with you and Dickerson you guys hanging out that's your man you're cool basically yeah huh what about you you cool with Dickerson too no just him cool Greg did a nice job of waiting 10 seconds before crying after a full day of hanging with Dickerson I was hung up at home too boy put that away you got that much work you have to do it during dinner I have a lot this week I was up late last night I'm just trying to get it done hey baby what's up Chris [Music] true baby girl hey it smells good Rochelle did you do something new with your hair I combed it it looks great doesn't your mother's hair look [Music] great well I think it looks great can I get finger waves in my hair you got finger wave money I can give her finger waves all you need need is a perm kit holding gel some gloves in your fingers I don't think so baby I'll give you $10 if you need it you've been drinking no I just feel good today daddy you said you just pay for finger waves did you get knocked over your head and forget you were broke no the aliens kidnap you and replace you with a rich guy no can I get new earrings sure what's going on with you what are you talking about you singing and dancing and willing to pay for finger waves and earrings are you leaving this for a white woman no it's just being at this new job I'm with dead people everywhere I go it just makes me feel like I need to appreciate life a little more oh this is good what is this baby vegetables you kids try this Chris pass me the big piece of carrot I don't know how you can stand being around all those dead people I love it it makes you realize the life is short anything can happen at any time a toilet could fall out of the sky and Crush you a bus door can clamp on your neck and choke you a poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and and bite you you could fall off a bridge and drown and you can trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated you could be smoking a cigarette and blow up while siphoning 65 with a gas and you could eat some bad cold slw and get diarrhea and die dehydration you can step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a down wire you could blow your nose and start a cat with rabies who okay okay we get it we can die at anytime and you're happy can I go I got to get to school hold on since I'm happy I want you all to be happy I bought you all some presents you did what Drew I got your a k go hat a cool wait wait wait that thing is expensive Tanya I got your Danny Glover witness action playet you bought your daughter a gun it's just like the one he wounded Harrison for with thanks Daddy they R of The Color Purple playet Chris I got you the heavy duty garbage bag with the quick tie so they won't break when you carry a heavy load huh 13 galon I was wondering how you going to top the Danny Glover thing Julius we have bills to pay and you're giving out gifts what about the present to the gas company the electric company the water company this is $47.98 that you just spent on the kids should my garbage bags really count in that total not just for the kids this is for you a that's all M for money I love mman it's all leather oh baby this is beautiful I thought you were mad because he was spending money girl shut up and go play with your gun oh I got to put this in plastic I wasn't happy about what I was getting at home and I was even less happy about what was happening at school what I knew this was going to happen did you he what she said who what we have a test tomorrow she went over all the stuff today in class we did dude you're burning the candle at both ends there's no way you can do another guy's work and still have time for your own stuff it's like cheating on a girlfriend if you've never had a girlfriend I'm fine dude you're not fine unless you want to fail your classes you better tell Dickerson you're not doing any more of his work just calm down I I can have the looks yeah what if you finish your nap I miss being able to nap in the middle of the [Music] day so far all I had gotten from doing Dickerson's work was Drool on my shirt I didn't know if things would get any better so I decided to get out before things got worse Dion I need to talk to you yo I need to talk to you Thurman pulled out the big guns he said I need to turn in an essay on the AA for world world one and if I don't pull Alisa B yo I won't play in the next game an essay yeah you know like 20 25 Pages you can do that right yeah that's what I wanted to talk to you about Json listen look hi Walter hey Chris hey Carol uh she's Carol I'm Carol with an E A lot of people make that mistake oh you didn't tell me you had a sister I don't you're not twins no why you're joking now why would they joke about that they look exactly alike hm you think so man you need glasses we were wondering if you could do us a favor of course he can do you a favor look this is my man Chris you wouldn't leave my girls hanging would you n great here what's this just a math it's easy then why don't you do it hey well look we get ready to go eat lunch my man you want to come finally yeah psych man you ain't got time to eat cuz you got to work but that was funny we'll catch you later all right yeah my man at school things were getting ugly but to my father life was beautiful I don't know what's got into you but I hope it don't get out you know James life is short I mean one day you could pick your toenail and end up with a bad viral infection and have to get your foot amputated we got it look before you get to the next scenario can I get that cash oh let's see $175 right yeah $175 what you going to do with all that I'm starting an answering service all I have to do is buy a couple of phones get some extra phone lines then I can make money just by taking other people's phone calls so it's like a human answer machine exactly you know Julius I've been kind of depressed since my father left us I get $20 sure you go my man back at school I went from running around for Dickerson to running around for everybody hey Chris hey Dickerson said you could do my algebra homework hey Chris Dickerson said you'd wash my Cofe me are you Christopher yeah Dickerson said you can get the devil out of this little girl while I had it hard my father became a soft touch hey I need $10 for gas regular or premium premium there you go my man I need to get my hair dryer fixed just buy yourself a new one ooh [Music] I need some ammo for my bazooka anti-tank or anti Personnel anti- tank of course there you go thank you can you let me hold some barel money get yourself a lawyer too come on boy I don't do nothing you're throwing money away no I'm not baby I'm spreading happiness that's the only real thing you can do at life who knows how much time we have left I do we've got 18 years left to pay off this house three kids left to put through school 14 days left to pay off last month's gas bill and you got one more bounce before I shoved that ball down your throat that's my point Rochelle I could be dead before my threes Julius you have got to quit this job I don't want to quit this job I want to be happy you want to be happy okay one question do you want to be happy or do you want to be married why can't you have both just kidding my dad wasn't the only one who had to pay the piper I got an A what'd you get wow an F think that stands for fantastic you could have just said I hate to say I Told You So Told You So if smacking Greg is wrong I don't want to be right after getting an F no matter what Dickerson said I knew it was time time to be my own man my man hey look I need you to do me one of those summaries again for my English class dickon I can't do this anymore I'm sorry what are you talking about I've been spending so much time on your work I don't have time to do my work what are you trying to say I'm saying I've been spending so much time on your work I'm time to do my work but I thought you was my man I was hey Dickerson he's not your man anymore N I guess not I can't believe you came down here after our conversation Melle I know you're concerned right now but if you knew how I felt you'd want me to keep feeling this way oh hey Miss roelle here's the address Mr Julius oh by the way is it possible to borrow $40 sure I'll pay you back next week don't worry about it my man bye baby bye baby have a good day good man you got to fire him and you have to fire him today why about I want to do that I've never seen a man be so happy with his work he is throwing money away like there's no tomorrow well there might not be a tomorrow well if there is you ain't going to have no place to live what you talking about let me remind you you're a tenant in our house if we lose our home you lose your fire thank you if you're keeping score that's Happy zero my mother one helping out Dickerson was a bad idea and when I stopped it got even worse you wanted to see me oh yes yeah I have here Mr Dickerson's essay in which he received the greater B but I'm not so sure he actually wrote this paper why not Walter who is in World War I um Earth and Jupiter now you see why I'm not so sure maybe he forgot forgot really forgot why forgot who was in World War I or forgot to not sign your name on his paper H or not to do the whole thing in your handwriting the two of you huh you insult my intelligence maybe if I was blind you could turn this paper in and say that he wrote it but I'm not blind don't do I look blind H do I have black sunglasses at a piano actually he [Music] did you you're suspended from tomorrow's game coach I'm not suiting up oh sure you could suit up but do it at home and after your suit up I want you to write me an essay on the events leading up to World War II and you no detention oh no detention is way too easy you turned your back on easy when you did his paper cool breeze so Lincoln goes through all his trouble to issue the Emancipation Proclamation frees your people from slavery and what do you do you run around doing other people's work for them you killing me at to I'm sorry no I'm sorry but I'm going to help you out maybe Lincoln couldn't get here but I can what are you going to do wouldn't you like to know oh how was your day with the dead people I got fired today fired yes fired fired are you kidding you've never been fired a day in your life fired yes fired fired that is ridiculous why would he do such a thing he said he wanted a fulltime person he said crack was making his business boom fired oh baby and you were so happy it's true seeing those bodies every day was an epiphany for me well that Epiphany cost $867 42 what that's when my father realized epiphanies are expensive man epiphanies are expensive then he had another Epiphany I'm never going to get that money back yes you will I will I took all that stuff back and here no baby you can keep that okay hey D do you think Drew can borrow one of your hats hats Drew get in here what the hell happened to your head before I gave tiny a finger wave I decided I tried on myself but I think I left the perm in too long that's $10 worth of perm do I really have to do this listen Chris you want to work for people you want to do what he does you do everything he does I want you to get out in that field and [Music] broken up by number 72 where' you go wasn't done toing yet I was saying was I want you to get out of my field and I want you to give everything you got [Music]

Channel: LOL Network

Views: 126,861

Keywords: kevin hart, hartbeat productions, funny, comedy, comedian, plastic cup boyz, actor, stand up, lol, laugh out loud, LOL Network, laugh out loud network, african american, Hartbeat

Id: 4KooJ9aP4XQ

Length: 61min 9sec (3669 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 24 2024