Somebody once told me all Shrek games are baloney
A thought that really made me quite sad. The film was kind of fun
back in two-thousand-and-one And there’s no way all the
games could be that bad. Well, Philip started playing
and he couldn’t stop playing. He wrote a whole script and now he wants paying.
Didn’t make sense why they made this junk, His brain’s confused by how much they stunk. So much to play, so much to hate,
Why’d we think a ranked list could be great. Why’d we decide to rank the games
From the worst ones to the good… ones. RIGHT. Usual ranked rules apply, light an earwax
candle and get some snacking bugs at the ready, because it’s time.
Let’s rank ‘em. I’m Ben and I’m Peter from TripleJump,
and here’s Every Shrek Game Ranked from Worst to Best.
Ben – 36-27 Peter – 26-17
Ben – 16-10 Peter – 9-2
#36: Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown (2001) Game Boy Color
It’s unlikely that Fairy Tale Freakdown was the first Shrek game
to enter development – that was almost certainly the Xbox launch game titled, simply, Shrek –
but Fairy Tale Freakdown beat it to market, making it the first officially released Shrek
game and a chilling glimpse at things to come. For starters, the title contains the word
“freakdown.” Use “freakdown” in a sentence. Go ahead. YouTube provides a comments section
for this precise reason, so get to work. And secondly, it’s a one-on-one fighting
game without a two-player mode. In 2001, there was no excuse for that…unless it were an
act of mercy on the part of developer Prolific, so that fewer people would end up playing it.
If you’ve never heard of Prolific, that’s not surprising; they made basically nothing. If
you’re going to name your company Prolific, do try to make more than basically nothing.
The game doesn’t look great, but it’s the Game Boy Color, so, fair enough. But it controls
horrendously, with movement being both stiff and unresponsive. You start the game with six
characters and can unlock three more if you hate yourself enough to finish the game. Being as you
can’t use any of the characters you’ve unlocked in combat against other actual human beings,
their presence on the roster will only serve as a sad reminder that you had nothing better
to do with your time than 100% Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown. Alone. While everybody else in the
world was having fun. Hope you enjoyed it, though! #35: Shrek Bingo (2006)
DVD DVD games are necessarily limited in their
interactivity, with just about all of them boiling down to glorified menus. Bingo itself is limited
in its interactivity, as the main skills involved are “sitting” and “not dying.” Combine the two
in a DVD bingo game and you end up with something so limited in its interaction that it threatens
to permanently dismantle the very concept of interactivity. Now put Shrek in it!
Shrek Bingo is basically a recording of a Mike Myers impersonator saying letters followed
by numbers. It’s like a novelty GPS, but without any potential use whatsoever. In fairness, you
can swap him out for impersonations of three other characters…who also say letters followed by
numbers. The game is both embarrassingly slight and massively overcomplicated, with the How to
Play tutorial requiring around two and a half minutes of explanation. For bingo! A
game so simple, you don’t even play it! You might think that there’s value in having
what is basically an automated bingo caller. During a child’s birthday party, for
instance, you can sit 30 kids in front of the TV and just have them mark cards while
a Shrek-alike speaks numbers into the void. That could have been a nice, passive activity…
except that, according to the Amazon reviews, parents who actually tried this ended up
having to keep pausing and restarting the DVD, because Shrek barrels through the numbers too
quickly for kids to keep up. You had one job, Shrek Bingo. Well, now you have
a new one: rotting in a landfill. #34: Shrek 2: Ogre Bowler (2004)
PC In 2004, WildTangent released a game called Polar
Bowler. You’d pull back a gigantic rubber band and fling a polar bear in an inner tube at some
pins, just like in real bowling. It was the sort of thing you’d boot up for a quick game,
lose interest in well before that game ended, and move on with your life, as God intended.
Why am I talking about Polar Bowler? Well, because the same year, the same company released the same
game as Shrek 2: Ogre Bowler. Granted, they did a bit more than that; they colored the polar bear
green! Am I being too harsh? If so, it’s only because they didn’t even put enough thought into
the reskin to call it “Bowled Ogre.” Unforgivable. Surely they added more than
some Shrek models, though, right? Well, according to the game’s official
download page – yes, you can still purchase the game almost 20 years later – Ogre Bowler allows
you to “relive one of the most captivating and heart tugging movies made to date.” That’s high
praise for Shrek 2, but I’m not sure why they think the film is about a bowling tournament.
Much ink was spilled at the time over WildTangent using its games and other releases to spread
unwelcome, insecure code that gathered and leaked personal information. Ogre Bowler was less a quick
cash-in than it was an attempt to get careless children to install “slyware” onto the family PC.
Maybe don’t visit that download page after all. #33: Shrek SuperSlam (2005)
Game Boy Advance The other versions of Shrek SuperSlam took heavy
inspiration from Super Smash Bros., but they also added the ability to move around in three
dimensions, giving the games some personality of their own. The Game Boy Advance version,
however, limits the action to two dimensions, which technically brings it closer in line with
Super Smash Bros. It also, however, introduces a unique feature of its own: it’s really terrible.
In Super Smash Bros., with very few exceptions, you can see what all characters are doing at all
times. That helps to maintain the sense of chaos, and also provides you with all of the
information you need to decide what to do and when. In this version of Shrek SuperSlam,
you can’t even see all of the stage hazards, let alone what other fighters are up to. Getting
familiar with the levels boils down to repeatedly taking damage from things you couldn’t see until
you manage to remember where everything is. The fighting is rudimentary. Some items
pop up now and then, but the fights rarely amount to anything greater than four people
huddled together and punching each other. A Shrek fighter has fun potential, but
this version of the game does nothing with that potential other than squander it.
Of course, many of its problems come down to the innate limitations of the hardware, which is
completely fair. Then again, we have to wonder why they bothered trying to get a version of
the game running on it in the first place. #32: Shrek: Ogres & Dronkeys (2008)
DS One might expect that if anyone could have
given us a great Shrek game, it would have been WayForward. Not only are they known for their
own excellent IPs, such as Shantae and the Mighty games, but they’ve carved out a niche
as a reliable developer of licensed titles. DuckTales Remastered, Batman: The Brave
and the Bold, The Mummy Demastered…the company knows how to handle a license while still
making a game worth playing on its own merits. But, for some reason, they gave us Shrek: Ogres
& Dronkeys, in which you babysit the children of Shrek and Donkey. Why do you babysit them? Does it
matter? We weren’t even sure if we should mock the game by calling it Ninshrekdogs or Shreking Mama,
so just go with whichever wordplay you enjoy more. You don’t so much raise the children as you do
keep them occupied, which usually boils down to lobbing objects in the hopes that they
will take some kind of interest in them. Sometimes you’ll get to play minigames,
which take advantage of the touchscreen in the sense that they don’t work very well
due to the touchscreen. Every so often, the children soil themselves and you have to
change their nappies, just in case you ever played other Shrek games and wondered, “Why can’t
I dispose of his children’s fecal discharge?” It's an unexpectedly glitchy game as well,
with the children failing to react, actions failing to trigger, and minigames not working as
promised. You know, and I really hate to say this, but I’m starting to think that the developer’s
heart just wasn’t in Shrek: Ogres & Dronkeys. #31: Shrek: Swamp Fun with Phonics (2002)
PC Now I’m not one to judge people by how they
look, but as Shrek is an ogre and not a person, I am going to state very firmly that I don’t want
anyone who looks like this to teach me phonics. I admit that I might be fighting a losing
battle. According to the back of the box, “Kids love Shrek, and it’s easy to see why.
He’s big, he’s green, and he loves to read.” Yes, always reading. That’s clearly
Shrek’s appeal. And if you misheard that as “sex appeal,” that’s on you.
And, yes, I know he reads at the beginning of the film. Lots of characters read in films.
That doesn’t mean that “loves to read” becomes a defining character trait. And do you really
want to throw down? Fine, okay, he reads in the Christmas film, but it’s a “For Idiots”
book. And when I see people with one of those, I usually conclude that they don’t love to read.
What was I saying? Oh, right. Shrek: Swamp Fun with Phonics. You’re really going
to make me talk about this, aren’t you? It’s an edutainment game. Something Shrek of all
characters should probably be nowhere near. It’s a platformer, mainly. You maneuver Shrek
around as he tries his damnedest to keep his face hidden from the camera. I can’t blame him either.
You’ll need to grab certain letters, identify words that start with certain letters, work out
where certain letters fall in the alphabet…you know, just like school, except that there’s
no chance of accidentally learning anything. #30: Shrek: Swamp Fun with Early Math (2002)
PC The edutainment games start coming
and they just don’t stop coming… There are probably a few subjects at which
Shrek excels and might be able to teach. Like…which mushrooms are safe to eat? Yeah, I
don’t know; even that, I’d probably be better off flipping a coin. Regardless of which
topics Shrek might theoretically understand, “early math” doesn’t seem like it’s one of them, as colors and shapes are two things he seems to
believe fall under the umbrella of “mathematics.” And, yes, geometry would fit, but this isn’t
geometry. This is “here’s a room full of squares; find the circles.” And I refuse to accept
colors being a branch of mathematics, unless you accept that my favorite color is 11.
The eagle-eyed among you will no doubt have noticed that this is basically the same
as Swamp Fun with Phonics. In fact, most of you who are only listening to this video
and haven’t even looked at it will probably have noticed. It’s basically the same assets with
very, very small tweaks to the objectives. Swamp Fun with Early Math has a slightly broader
selection of material, even if much of that material has nothing to do with what the game
is ostensibly teaching you. If you disagree and think Swamp Fun with Phonics should be ranked
higher, then fine. I agree, on the condition that I never have to think about either of
these games again for the rest of my life. #29: Shrek: Dragon’s Tale (2006)
V.Smile The VTechV.Smile needs no introduction. I’m
joking, of course; we covered it in our list of Every Console Ranked from Worst to Best and
I’ve already forgotten about it. It was one of VTech’s many education-focused consoles, with
this one looking especially like a Fisher-Price Panini Press. The library had a massive number of
licensed titles, which no doubt pleased everybody; parents could be satisfied that Batman
was teaching little Johnny and Susie about basic sentence structure, as opposed to
beating The Joker to a pulp with his own leg. And kids could be satisfied that they got to
watch Shrek waddle around between lessons. And waddle he does! Slowly, with about two frames
of animation, making him look like an abandoned flipbook. You’ll waddle all around the world,
looking for other characters who ask you basic exam questions or send you on fetch quests…which
involve answering additional basic exam questions. The educational value is a bit dubious. The game
isn’t really “teaching” anything so much as it is requiring children to demonstrate that they
already understand the material. On the bright side, the game looks terrible…but not as terrible
as it could look. And it has voice acting as well, even though the actors clearly recorded
individual words and phrases that the game pieces together into complete sentences, making
it sound like the characters are still learning English themselves. Wait, was I supposed
to be listing positives? Who even knows. The game also lifted compositions from
Legend of Zelda games, believe it or not. They seem to have been rerecorded, but
they’re the same songs. I’ll tell you one thing Shrek has taught me: There’s no justice. #28: Shrek the Third: Arthur’s
School Day Adventure (2007) V.Smile
It’s another edutainment game, this time involving Shrek and his chums
heading to Worcestershire Academy to track down Artie. According to the product description,
you will learn “classifications, patterns, logic, spatial sense, basic math
and more.” All of which is to say, it’s up to you to locate somebody on campus, and
you’ll accomplish that by completing basic quizzes and playing minigames. Are you not edutained?!
It’s also the only Shrek game – or edutainment game– to open with Shrek skateboarding down
a long, empty road while you wonder what, exactly, brought you to the point at which you’re
watching this unfold on a tiny screen before you. Other activities involve walking…I’m not sure
why I made it sound like I was going to list other verbs, because that’s really the extent
of the activities in the game. Skateboarding and walking. There is a sort of weird RPG
system that also mainly involves walking, but you’re differently walking so I think you’ll
agree that they deserve full marks for variety. If you’re interested in tracking down a copy of
this game, do be aware that, in addition to the standard V.Smile, Shrek the Third: Arthur's School
Day Adventure is also compatible with the V.Smile Pocket, V.Smile PC Pal, V.Smile Cyber Pocket,
and V.Motion consoles. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT compatible with the V.Smile Baby. Trust me. I
learned that the hard way, and it ruined my entire Christmas holiday. I was inconsolable. There’s
a word for Shrek to spell on his skateboard. #27: Shrek Forever After (2010)
V.Smile Is this, ultimately, just what life is? Some brief
wink of consciousness? And even that brief wink can be divided smaller and smaller. The first few
years are a bust. The last few years often are, as well. You spend some seemingly endless
stretch of time wishing you were older and then you spend the rest of your time wishing you
were younger. Nothing ever feels right. Everything is either too far away or long gone. Life is a
continuous alternation between waiting for the future and longing for the past, and then, at some
point, it stops. You’re remembered, for a time, by family. By friends. But they pass as well. You
live on first as a memory, and then as a name in documents nobody will ever think to read.
Names beyond number are lost to history. Kings and conquerors who seemed guaranteed to
endure might now merit a mention in a footnote in a textbook, somewhere. What impact can we
possibly have? Perhaps we make others happy. Perhaps we don’t. Does it matter, in the end? Do
corpses smile? Or does every story, ultimately, end the same way? Heroes and villains. Haves and
have-nots. Friends and foes. All return to the Earth. All are swallowed again by the world they
never had a hope of understanding to begin with. We get a few decades each, if we’re lucky. Just
enough time to become aware of all the things we will never understand. Just enough time to
wish we had a little more time. But for what? So we can play another Shrek edutainment game? Why
not? It may not matter but, in the end, what does? #26: Shrek n’ Roll (2007)
Xbox 360 God, the Xbox Live Arcade was great, wasn’t it?
Braid, Limbo, Super Meat Boy, Castle Crashers, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, Pac-Man
Championship Edition…I could talk all day about the great stuff on XBLA and never have
to acknowledge the existence of Shrek n’ Roll, which sat on the service like a man eating raw
fish on the bus when you’re too polite to move. The game is…well, you’ve seen minigame
collections, right? This is that, but without the collection. It’s just one
minigame, and it’s not a particularly good one. You control two characters, one with each
thumbstick. In that way, it’s like Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons, but here you can
only wish that one of them would die. You gradually raise or lower either end of a
plank, I think, so that you can feed pumpkins to Shrek’s kids. Do Shrek’s kids eat pumpkins?
I don’t remember, I don’t know, and I don’t care. And how many kids did Shrek have? Going by
this game, I’m going to say, hundreds of millions. You roll pumpkins into the mouths of hideous
children until the game has determined that it’s time to roll different pumpkins into the mouths
of different hideous children. The ogre babies pop into and out of existence through what seem to be
time holes, or perhaps portals to the multiverse. After a little while, Shrek dances. I haven’t
had to make a single joke in this entry because, really, where does one go from here?
There is multiplayer support, but you can simulate the outcome by
not making any friends to begin with. #25: Puss in Boots (2011)
DS Is it too much of a stretch to include
Puss in Boots games on this list? Well, I suppose it’s too much of a stretch to
include this Puss in Boots game on this list, but we stand behind our decision to include
the two games based on the Shrek spinoff film. This one is…probably some kind of silly adventure,
but you’ll usually be watching the bottom screen, so it doesn’t matter. You’ll complete levels by
doing what most low-effort DS games had you do: tapping, dragging, and flicking the touchscreen.
Much of Puss in Boots is presented like a rhythm game, but you’ll also come across stylus-heavy
sequences that have nothing to do with rhythm and everything to do with disguising the
fact that there’s very little game here. Critics complained of unclear
objectives and mechanics, as well as shallow gameplay. We have to agree; it’s more fun
to navigate through a PowerPoint presentation. It doesn’t qualify for our
list as it’s a mobile game, but we might as well mention Fruit Ninja:
Puss in Boots, as it was actually fun. That’s probably due more to the “Fruit Ninja” half
of the equation than the “Puss in Boots” half, but it apparently added some new modes that
took specific advantage of the character. I say “apparently” because the game is no
longer available for download and obviously can’t be purchased physically. Like so many
mobile games, it came and went and is never coming back. If you ever wondered why we include
mobile games so infrequently on these lists, that’s why. The industry treats their
own games as disposable. Why wouldn’t we? #24: Shrek: Treasure Hunt (2002)
PlayStation Shrek: Treasure Hunt is structured like a party
game, with characters collecting various items and playing minigames along the way. But as with
Fairy Tale Freakdown, the developers neglected to include any kind of multiplayer. That’s even
less excusable on the PlayStation, which had another controller port right there. The idea is
that Princess Fiona is coming over for a picnic, but all of the food had been spread around the
swamp. And if that ever happens to you, purchase new food rather than attempt to retrieve it.
Seeing who could gather more food in each area would probably be a good way to compete against
another player. After you collect enough of it, you get to play a minigame, and that would also
be a good way to compete against another player. I now remind you that you are forever alone
in Shrek: Treasure Hunt and you’ll begin to understand just how pointless the game feels.
Actually, “Treasure Hunt” is a bit of a misnomer as well, since you’re seeking
out picnic goods rather than treasure. And it certainly does look like Shrek was
planning on eating an awful lot of cheese. Not that I’m judging the guy, but moderation, man.
The game looks like it was built by a shivering child learning papercraft. Of course, it’s not
entirely fair to pick on an early PlayStation game for looking primitive. So allow me to
emphasize that the PS1 came out in 1994, and Shrek: Treasure Hunt came out in 2002. Pick
on it. Mistreat it until there is nothing left. #23: Shrek Smash n’ Crash Racing (2006)
Game Boy Advance The main versions of Shrek Smash n’ Crash Racing
have a more-familiar behind-the-kart perspective, but this one goes with a top-down
view. That makes complete sense, as the traditional perspective simply wouldn’t work
on hardware as limited as the Game Boy Advance. Except when Mario Kart was able to do it
five years earlier. And when Shrek himself was able to do it four years earlier. Whoops!
In fairness, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a top-down perspective. Early racing
games such as Micro Machines and R.C. Pro-Am made good use of it, but here, there’s not
enough room on the screen to see what’s coming, what is on the screen isn’t clear enough
to parse, and the turn indicators show up far too late to be of much use.
What’s more, there’s no multiplayer, which is something else that Shrek: Swamp Kart
Speedway managed to have four years prior. For many of these games, the developers counted on
the simple appeal of seeing Shrek in a video game. That’s not a trick you should rely on working 36
times, but that’s the way this particular cookie has crumbled and we all have to live with it.
Also, since we’re on the subject of a hand-held Shrek kart racer, Shrek Kart
is another hand-held Shrek kart racer. And I have been dancing continuously since
I learned that it was a mobile phone game and I therefore didn’t have to play it for this
list. It’s the little things in life, sometimes. #22: Shrek Forever After (2010)
DS, PlayStation 3, Wii, Xbox 360, PC Remember Shrek Forever After? That’s okay; I’ve
seen it, and I don’t, either. But historical records suggest that it does exist, and that it
featured Rumpelstiltskin doing the thing for which he was most famous: allowing an ogre to relive his
youth for a day. Right? I suppose I don’t remember Rumpelstiltskin very well, either. Anyway, it
was the fourth movie in a trilogy so I think we all know exactly how much it needed to exist.
Still, we’re here to talk about the game. It takes a few cues from Shrek 2 in the sense
that you switch between characters to overcome various obstacles, but it wisely doesn’t bother
with AI companions. It also doesn’t bother with doing anything interesting, as you’ll Shrek Smash
n’ Crash your way through drab environment after drab environment, likely becoming bored early
and never being given a reason to stick with it. The game controls just fine – probably even a
bit better than Shrek 2 did – but the visuals are far less colorful and the entire experience
feels like you’re going through the motions. The DS version is…not quite the same game, but
it’s an admirable attempt to convey the overall experience on a handheld. And by that I mean,
you still walk around hitting things and wishing you had died in your sleep. We’re including it
here because it’s neither significantly worse nor better than the main game, and if I had
to talk about it for a full entry on its own, I would disappear into a cloud of pure boredom. #21: Shrek: The Electronic
Storybook Collection (2001) PC
There’s precious little information about Shrek: The Electronic Storybook Collection floating
about. Nobody seems to have reviewed it on any of the major gaming sites, nor have they reviewed it
on Amazon. Three people assigned it star ratings, but did not put any of their thoughts
into actual words. Perhaps they had no thoughts. Perhaps Shrek: The Electronic
Storybook Collection left them speechless. Perhaps there was just…nothing to say? Which
is preposterous because I’m talking right now. The main attraction is a storybook
retelling of the first Shrek film, with sound effects ripped right from the
movie. It’s a bit like one of those books you had as a kid, where you’d push the picture
of the frog and it would oink at you. Actually, I think my book might have been defective.
Other features included “Shrek: Tell Your Own Tale,” which is a choose-your-own-adventure
story in which you…well, you can probably work out what a choose-your-own-adventure story is
just from the name. It came in two versions: One that ran right off the disc, and another
that would arrive in installments in your email. I’m sure the servers have long
since been put out of their misery, but we can only imagine that getting
regular life-update emails from Shrek was the nearest thing most of humanity
would ever experience to Hell on Earth. You could even print out 60
Shrek-related images to colour in. Very handy if you had a surplus of green crayons.
Less handy if you had literally any others. #20: Shrek Game Land Activity Center (2001)
PC It must be quite easy to develop something like
Shrek Game Land Activity Center, a title in which all of the words sit next to each other but
refuse to form a larger thought. The package consists of seven different games, none of
which really have anything to do with Shrek. The game does attempt to provide narrative
justification, weirdly enough. When you begin the Word Find game, you’re told that Lord Farquaad
has outlawed certain words, and it’s your job to find them. One would think that if these words
were outlawed you probably shouldn’t be finding them and presenting them to his highness,
but the fact that they tried to apply a backstory to a word search is almost admirable.
Most of these are games you might find on a child’s placemat in a restaurant. There’s a maze.
There’s a crossword puzzle without any clues, which calls its legitimacy as a “puzzle” into
question. But there are a few games that are a bit more involved, such as a picture puzzle, matching
the melody, and smashing the bugs. Actually, you could probably play the latter on a placemat,
too, depending upon the quality of the restaurant. There’s no real fun to be had here. This would
keep children occupied for around seven minutes maximum, which gives them one minute to boot up
each game, recognize it as something they hate, and promise God above never to boot it up again.
Even fans of the movies will be underserved, as they’d get more Shrek content from Google images.
Do keep Safe Search on, however. I implore you. #19: Shrek 2 Activity Center:
Twisted Fairy Tale Fun (2004) PC
Or, as I like to call it, Shrek: 2 Activity, 2 Centered. “Twisted Fairy Tale
Fun” does accurately describe much of the appeal of the Shrek films, but it’s something
that is shockingly often absent from the games. We get some fairy-tale set dressing, but they
lack the “twist” that makes things feel clever. The games here are better than those in the
previous Activity Center, but they lack any kind of inventiveness. In one, the Three Little Pigs
catch baking ingredients in a bowl. What’s the twist there? In one, you have to eat the same food
that King Harold eats. What’s the twist there? In one, you have to click on things that are the
same color as Shrek. What’s the twist there? In one you’re just putting things into a blender
so Fiona can make smoothies. Are these “twisted fairy tales”? Or are they just… sort of bland?
One game involves clicking on Puss in Boots when he pops up from behind things and…that’s it.
Not only is there no twist, but they didn’t even have the good sense to turn the cursor
into crosshairs or something. It instead ends up feeling like a “find the object” game in
which there’s only one object on the screen. These games so frustratingly miss the mark;
there is endless room for creativity when putting age-old fairy tales through the wringer.
All that these developers can think to do, though, is plop Shrek into an existing framework
and collect a check. Twisted Fairy Tale Fun isn’t the worst game on this list, but it might be
the one that most clearly illustrates the problem. #18: Shrek 2 (2004)
PC The console version of Shrek 2 was ported to PCs,
but developer KnowWonder took one look at that pile of crap and thought, “We can also produce
crap.” Hence the confusingly named “Shrek 2” for PC, which isn’t the PC port of Shrek 2. So
what is it? It’s just a 3D platformer, really. The other Shrek 2 was a sort of overhead
brawler, but this has a much simpler, much more straightforward approach. Which is good!
Everything other than the approach is less good. 3D platformers live and die on their ability
to… like… allow you to platform in 3D. Is that obvious? I feel like that should be obvious,
but nobody bothered to tell KnowWonder. It has slippery physics, laggy controls, and
a camera that seems to trick you into thinking that objects are both closer and farther away
than they should be.It’s a platformer that is raw hell out of the gate and only gets worse
from there. I admit, I know that PC games can be a bit of a crapshoot. It’s possible that my
system and my settings made Shrek 2 behave in ways that it shouldn’t have. But reviewers at the
time felt no kinder towards it than I feel today, and even if it did function flawlessly, it’s
still a rather barebones mascot platformer with little to recommend it.
There are a few switch puzzles and combat sequences to break up the gameplay,
if doing one thing that doesn’t work between two other things that don’t work
qualifies as breaking up the gameplay. #17: Shrek: Swamp Kart Speedway (2002)
Game Boy Advance Right. It’s a kart racer, starring Shrek,
on the Game Boy Advance. How good do YOU think it is? Let’s say one thing right up front:
This is pretty clearly a ripoff of Mario Kart: Super Circuit, right? I mean, it certainly has
the same “looks impressive and terrible at the same time” vibe about it. But Mario
Kart: Super Circuit came out in 2001, just one year earlier. Shrek: Swamp Kart
Speedway therefore had a pretty quick turnaround, so either the developers worked very
efficiently to rip that game off, or they never saw their families. Considering the
ultimate quality of Shrek: Swamp Kart Speedway, I sure hope it was the former.
We’ll give it a bit of credit. A racer with a 3D perspective on such limited hardware deserves
at least some praise. They even added multiplayer, which is something most Shrek games that
needed it were bizarrely reluctant to include. Plus, there are a fair number of tracks
and racers. All of that sounds good, right? Then you actually play the game, and realize
that it controls like a bathtub full of mud. The tracks range from uneventful to overloaded
with difficult-to-see hazards and impossibly sharp turns. Your kart behaves erratically,
sometimes being lurched ahead without a clear reason and other times coming to a dead
halt just from brushing against a wall. And the soundtrack is sometimes indistinguishable
from one of those novelty records of dogs barking Christmas carols. Playing Shrek: Swamp Kart
Speedway is less like trying to navigate a racetrack and more like trying to force your
own head to explode through sheer force of will. #16: Shrek SuperSlam (2005)
DS If the nicest thing anyone can say about the DS
version of Shrek SuperSlam is that it’s better than the GBA version of Shrek SuperSlam,
then that’s really disappointing. Still, it is worth saying that it’s better than
the GBA version, because that game was the closest thing to your Game Boy Advance being
able to fart. This one, at least, is capable of providing some actual fun to actual human
beings, and that is sadly noteworthy in itself. This version retains the three-dimensional arenas
of the console version, though they clearly aren’t as impressive. Neither, of course, are the
character models, but that’s all to be expected. What’s less expected is how well the
basic experience translates to a handheld. You can still have up to four players,
though there’s no Download Play option, meaning you’ll need either four copies of
the game or make do with CPU opponents. Many reviewers took issue with
the game’s use of the touchscreen, which is where you select items. Taking your
attention away from the main screen in order to equip a weapon is inconvenient, but it
also adds a nice layer of strategizing; you can look away during the fracas if you’re
particularly daring, but otherwise you’ll want to put some distance between yourself and your
opponents beforehand. That’s not a bad thing. What is a bad thing is the fact that the camera
control is handled through the touchscreen as well, and when you’re stuck behind a wall
or unable to see what’s going on, shifting your attention to a different screen to resolve
the problem feels like adding insult to injury. #15: Shrek the Third (2007)
Game Boy Advance The GBA version of Shrek the Third is about
what we’d hope for from any lazy licensed tie-in game. In other words, this is the
baseline expectation of competence that any gamer should expect from what they
buy. That makes the fact that it’s this far up the list an absolute embarrassment. It
follows the plot of the film, which is about Shrek walking from left to right and punching
birds out of the sky. It’s precisely the sort of 2D platformer in which any character
could star with only minor alterations, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is that this
somehow qualifies as a standout Shrek game. It looks good enough for a GBA game. It would be
nice if things were a little clearer – it’s nearly impossible to discern what you’re looking at if
you have an early version of the handheld without the backlit screen – but that’s less of a concern
nowadays, when you can play it on your DS. Or, even better, not play it at all! The soundtrack
is also pretty darned good, being about the only element of the game that exceeds expectations.
It iterates on the ideas introduced by the Shrek 2 GBA game, with many levels involving
you switching between characters and solving puzzles with their special abilities. Overall,
though, Shrek the Third is at its best when it’s just Shrek bare-knuckle-boxing his way through
things. And even then, its best is not that great. #14: Shrek the Third: The Search for Arthur (2007)
V.Flash Who could have guessed that the best Shrek
edutainment game would have been the least educational one? Oh, everybody? Wow. Yeah,
I suppose that is quite obvious, now that I think about it. Here, the educational content is
squirreled away in a “Knowledge World” area, as though the developers didn’t want it to distract
from the fact that they made an actual game this time. And that really is for the best.
The main games are meant to teach children about basic counting, pattern
recognition, and logical puzzle solving, but those are things that just about any game
can teach, edutainment or otherwise. As such, The Search for Arthur just gets to focus
on being a collection of decent minigames. That’s…fine. And fine in this case represents a
significant step forwards. The games themselves work well enough, but I’d never, under any
circumstances, recommend seeking this out. Not even in an emergency. You’ll move boxes around,
ride a horse, catch falling fruit…you know, standard “we didn’t know what to make but we
had to make something” stuff. There’s also a 3D platforming area which isn’t half bad. Actually,
I just checked my maths. Turns out, it is exactly half bad. Still, progress is progress. There’s
even a stealth sequence involving Fiona which is…again, only exactly half bad.
I will say that the game looks great for the V.Flash. It could even pass for an
early PS2 game, if you ever had a compelling reason to try to convince anyone that Shrek the
Third: The Search for Arthur were a PS2 game. #13: Shrek Super Party (2002)
GameCube, PlayStation 2, Xbox The plot of Shrek Super Party is that horrific
sentient bobble-head dolls of the Shrek cast are competing to find out which horrific sentient
bobble-head doll can win the largest amount of terrible minigames. Actually, that’s not
entirely true; the winner is determined based on a sort of matching puzzle between
rounds, in which the players swap bugs with each other to decide who ends up with the most
drops of bug juice, which sounds ridiculous but…nevermind. There’s no way I can convince
any of you that it’s not ridiculous. However, it does add some room for strategizing, which is
missing from many party games. The downside is that you’d be spending your time honing strategies
for bug-matching sequences in Shrek Super Party. But what of the minigames? Well, I don’t even
need to tell you about them. Close your eyes for about five seconds and think of the
lowest-effort minigames you’d cram into something called “Shrek Super Party.” Now open
your eyes and, SURPRISE, here they all are! Critics took issue with a confusing movement
system, instructions that don’t make anything clear, and the fact that Shrek Super Party
was a massive pile of steaming plops. Scuttlebutt suggests that developer Mass
Media reused aspects of Shrek Super Party for Muppets Party Cruise, which they released
the following year. Is this true? I don’t know, because we haven’t yet ranked all of the Muppets
games. Nor have we ranked all of the games that take place on party cruises. And please,
don’t ask us to do either of those things. #12: Shrek the Third (2007)
PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, Wii, Xbox 360, PC
Shrek the Third – or, erm…Shrek the Threeth – is a 3D brawler that is
much better than it has any right to be. It’s repetitive and linear to a fault, with very
little variation or reason to explore, but it honestly doesn’t look bad and it plays just fine.
It also tries to keep things interesting. It has six different characters, each with their own
attacks and special moves. There are even secrets and Easter eggs to find if you’re truly dedicated
to exploring every inch of Shrek the Third. That’s all good, but the core experience rarely deviates
from fighting a horde of baddies, shuffling onward, and fighting the next horde of baddies.
We’ve played far worse games – even just today! – but Shrek the Third feels so limited
and hollow. The character variety is nice, but none of them are around long enough to really
shine. The combat is serviceable, but it feels shallow and sluggish. The game seems to have
a fair number of enemy types, but you’ll very quickly encounter them often enough that you get
sick of them, and – tragically – even more sick of pummeling them within an inch of their lives.
There’s a perfectly fine licensed game here, but it seems like the developers didn’t try to
provide any more than the bare minimum. Improving anything would have made all the difference.
Instead, we’re left with something as forgettable and inessential as the film itself. Come to
think of it, that makes it a great adaptation! #11: Shrek’s Carnival Craze Party Games (2008)
DS, PlayStation 2, Wii, PC I’ll give you one guess as to what you
think Shrek’s Carnival Craze Party Games is. Did you guess “a party game”? If so, you’re
correct. Did you guess “an assortment of carnival games”? If so, you are also correct. Did you guess
“a Shrektroidvania”? Well, in that case, you are not correct, but mad props to the pun, my dude.
Shrek’s Carnival Craze Party Games contains about 30 multiplayer games, split across several
worlds. There’s a loose narrative – the loosest possible narrative– in which Shrek goes to the
carnival and…I suppose that’s it, really. Shrek goes to the carnival. And then he either does or
does not play some carnival games, depending on the character you choose. On the bright side, you
can play with up to three friends, which provides some amusement. That amusement extends
to “realizing you and three friends are playing Shrek’s Carnival Craze Party Games,”
but it’s something. For all the single players, all the single players, all the single players,
all the single players …right, that’s enough. For all the single players, there’s very little
to enjoy here, but that’s to be expected. The games are simple score attacks, timing
challenges, or races. Basically, the sort of thing you’d get from the laziest edition of
Mario Party, if Mario were green and flatulent. I can’t say I’m a big fan, but if you like
it…then you should have tossed a ring on it. Oh, that’s right. Bringing that joke back around for
a grand slam. You’re welcome. You’re all welcome. #10: Shrek 2 (2004)
Game Boy Advance A peek behind the curtain, dear viewer: We hadn’t
played most of these games before. In fact, if we had any idea we’d have to rank so many
edutainment games, we wouldn’t have committed to this in the first place. And so when we
were researching games, this one stood out, because several outlets – including Wikipedia
– compared it to Donkey Kong Country. That sounds like a winner. Maybe he’d
collect onions instead of bananas, if they wanted to get really creative. But
whoever made those comparisons must not have played Donkey Kong Country. This is far
closer to something like The Lost Vikings, as you manage a handful of characters with different
abilities to help you navigate puzzle-like stages. Shrek is powerful and can lift heavy items,
but he’s slow. Donkey can kick down walls, but is weaker. Gingy is the weakest, but has
the highest jump and a projectile. Puss in Boots can scale walls. Human Shrek gets a sword and
probably a significant reduction in foot odor. It’s a perfectly good concept, but the amount of
trial and error required to work out exactly where each character needs to be – and when, and what
they need to do – gets boring fast. It’s probably best in small doses, but then I’d be recommending
that you keep coming back to Shrek 2, and I don’t think I can do that in good conscience. It’s far
from a total misfire, but after a few levels, you’re bound to feel like the developers are
wasting your time. And you’re probably right. #9: Shrek 2: Beg for Mercy! (2004)
Game Boy Advance You know, I’d probably be pretty grateful
to stop talking about that previous game if I didn’t have to start talking about it
again for this entry. Shrek 2: Beg for Mercy! reuses many of the assets from that game with the
twist that it focuses entirely on Puss in Boots. The problem with the previous game is not that
it was bad, but rather that it was tedious. Restricting players to Puss in Boots for
most of this game allows them to get more familiar with him and to focus on smaller,
clearer objectives that don’t involve moving characters around like chess pieces. If
what you enjoyed about the previous game was its focus on multi-character puzzles,
then you’ll certainly rank this one lower. You’ll also rank this one lower if you’re judging
it by its cutscenes, which I’m about 90% sure were actually made with Microsoft Paint. It looks
to me like they should be trying to get their money back from whoever they hired through Fiverr.
…and you’ll rank this one lower if you’re going by soundtrack alone, as the previous game had some
decent chiptune jams while this one has…well, I suppose it’s technically music, but it’s
nothing you should knowingly put in your ears. You know what? If you want to rank it lower
for these reasons or any other reasons, go for it. You won’t even need to explain
yourself. I’m not going to argue with you. I just like the funny cat, okay? #8: Shrek Smash n’ Crash Racing (2006)
DS, GameCube, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable Shrek Smash n’ Crash Racing is another kart
racer – all cartoon characters are obligated to star in at least three of them– and it’s…a
competent one. It isn’t good, but when the words “Shrek” “kart” and “racer” are arranged in
that sequence, expectations aren’t sky high. A number of reviewers criticized it for control
issues, but others had no problem steering Shrek and co. around at all, so it’s possible that
the learning curve was just slightly too steep for what people expect from the genre. A fair
criticism, but not necessarily an indictment. The game opens with a snail being turned
against its will into a monstrous basilisk, after which Shrek mounts it and everyone starts
racing in circles. The tracks are varied and they look nice, but there are only 12 of them, each of
which gets a “mirror mode” variation. They have alternate paths and shortcuts to find, which makes
things more interesting as you’re learning them, but once you do, there’s never a
reason to not take the shortcut again, meaning that you’ll still be
taking one path through each area every time. The lack of a minimap also makes
things more difficult than they should be. The DS version does have a minimap on the bottom
screen, and that version is close enough to the main game that we’re including it here. It
simplifies the tracks, horribilizes the music, and also makes all of the racers look
like origami, but it’s the same game. So if you ever wanted to take this on
the go…well, I can’t legally stop you. #7: Shrek 2 (2004)
GameCube, PlayStation 2, Xbox, PC Released for the PC as Shrek 2: Team Action,
presumably to distinguish it from the differently terrible PC game called Shrek 2, this game finds
Shrek shambling around empty environments with three companions who follow closely enough
behind him that they’re in danger of being mistaken for warts on his beautiful green cheeks.
You’re always stuck with a team, though at least in multiplayer you’ll have someone to absorb your
verbal abuse. In single player, you’ll just have to hurl it at your cold, unfeeling television
screen, so you can’t even reduce it to tears. So what is it? Well, if you play with the AI,
it’s an extended, frustrating exercise in trying to get your companions unstuck from the scenery.
If you play with friends, it’s also that, only now they’re annoying you on purpose. It’s ostensibly
about Shrek and Fiona taking a trip together, but really it’s a bunch of beat-‘em-up maps
broken up by escort missions or minigames. The multiplayer is nice to have, but the cluster of
characters that you have to steer through the game gets irritating quickly. They do each have
special abilities, but none of them are things that Shrek couldn’t have unlocked himself.
A simplified and refined version of this could be fun and offer decent variety, but
instead it’s overstuffed and undercooked, as though it were more important to tout a
litany of features on the back of the box than it was to provide even one thing within
the game that was satisfying to experience. #6: Shrek (2001)
Xbox Shrek serving as an Xbox launch title
probably seemed like a match made in Heaven. Shrek was green, the Xbox had some green
on it…okay, maybe the similarities ended there, but in North America at least,
this was one of 22 launch titles. This. What you’re looking at was one of
the launch titles for the first console from a new manufacturer. It’s a miracle
that Microsoft is still around today. Typically, a launch game serves as a showcase
for a console’s features or processing power. Shrek seemed to serve as a showcase
for the Xbox’s ability to run games that nobody bothered to finish making. Loose
controls, poor collision, and level design that might have been passable in an early beta
mar what could have been a decent 3D platformer. And Shrek had a chance to become a decent
3D platformer with Shrek: Extra Large, a 2002 GameCube port that aimed to refine
the gameplay. It had every opportunity to shed its embarrassing 49% on Metacritic. Did
it work? Well…it did indeed score differently. Developer DICE – wait…DICE? Good lord…
– developer DICE was at least clever enough to steal from the best: The entire
game is structured like Super Mario 64, with Shrek traveling to various worlds to
select and complete objectives from a list. The difference is that whereas Nintendo
slaved over the development of Super Mario 64 to ensure that everything, right down to the
mere act of moving Mario around, was satisfying, DICE confirmed that “Shrek” was
written on the box and called it a day. And speaking of that box, it looks like
somebody whipped it up as a joke. It really is difficult at times to tell genuine Shrek
content from low-effort Shrek memes. Maybe this is the game that kicked off that trend. I
only wish that it instead kicked me to death. #5: Shrek: Hassle at the Castle (2002)
Game Boy Advance Is this the laziest game title possible? A noun
that rhymes with a setting? That takes no effort at all. And even then it only works if you’re
from the north. If Ben said it, it’d be Shrek: Hassle at the Castle. Anyway, here are some more.
Shrek: Romp in the Swamp. Shrek: Fun-geon in the Dungeon. Shrek: Weirdness at…Inverness? Okay, I
admit, it’s harder than it seems. My apologies. Wikipedia describes it as the only Shrek game
“that follows the plot of the first movie.” Which is true, as long as you disregard the other
games we’ve already talked about that have done exactly that. Also, following the plot of the film
was clearly not high on the developer’s list of intentions; it’s a brawler in which Shrek walks
forwards, snapping the spines of every person he meets. You know, like in the movie! The game
does pay some small degree of lip service to the film by retelling many of its plot beats in
simple, static images. The rest of the time, you, Donkey, and Fiona just walk around,
injure people until they beg for their lives, and refuse to heed their pleas.
It’s competent, if massively unengaging. Most of the levels seem to have been designed by
someone whose greatest skill was drawing a single horizontal line, which means that boredom sets in
quickly. But if you really are just looking for a game in which you can hit people with Shrek’s
fists, well…this one does actually work. It’s never fun. It’s often annoying. Players have
been known to fall into comas while playing it. But it does work. And when it comes to Shrek
games, that’s a glowing recommendation. #4: Shrek: Reekin’ Havoc (2003)
Game Boy Advance Oh, my mistake, this is…Hassle at the Castle
again. Right? Did the editor use the wrong footage or is this basically the same game released a
second time? Actually, I’ll drop the joke; because I record my voiceover before Alex edits the video,
I have no way of knowing what’s on the screen right now. For all I know, it’s a caption making
some hilarious joke at the expense of my integrity as a human being. So I’ll just state clearly that
Reekin’ Havoc is, indeed, very similar to the previous game, but it introduces more variety
and requires some actual exploration. Yes, most areas are still horizontal lines, but now
you have to explore those lines. Huge difference. The plot picks up where Hassle at
the Castle left off, which I suppose technically makes Reekin’ Havoc a sequel to
the film as well. By some accounts, though, it’s an adaptation of the 2003 ride Shrek 4-D: The
Ghost of Lord Farquaad. I have no idea if that’s true. I’ll play Shrek games for you, but I draw
the line at visiting Shrek theme park attractions. Also, I might as well talk about this here:
You’d think that with a character who was entirely computer generated, Shrek would look good
in video games. Usually, though, he rarely comes across as anything more than a hideous green
blob. I mean, an even-more-hideous green blob. This pair of games at least attempted
something new with the character designs, and they do look a little better. That doesn’t say
much, though, being as the games look a lot better when they’re sitting harmlessly in a
box on a shelf, far from your home. #3: Shrek the Third (2007)
DS Against all odds, the DS version of
Shrek the Third is the best one. It manages to work better than both most
Shrek games and most licensed DS games by crafting an experience that is specific
to the hardware and which benefits from it, rather than one which is held back
by it or reliant upon its gimmickry. From the opening sequence, which requires players
to hold the system like an actual storybook, it’s clear that somebody involved with development
actually cared about what they were doing. This extends to level design, where the
dual-screen layout is used to provide some welcome verticality, and to gameplay, where
the touchscreen is used for swapping characters and other actions. It’s a distressingly rare
experience to play a slew of Shrek games and come to the conclusion that anyone involved
knew what they were doing when they made it. As in some of the GBA games, players will
encounter puzzles that require the cooperation of multiple characters to solve. Here, however,
they feel more natural and don’t grind the experience to a halt. They’re just one part of
what is, overall, a fun and charming adventure, full of excellent music, great visuals,
and a decent amount of replay value with its hidden collectibles. Is it worth seeking out
if you’re not already interested in Shrek games? Absolutely not. But if you are? It’s worth picking
up. You can have fun with some games on this list, for sure, but this is one of the few
that feels like it’s having fun, too. #2: Puss in Boots (2011)
PlayStation 3, Wii, Xbox 360 We can all agree that while the Shrek sequels
are…well, sequels to Shrek…one fairly consistent highlight is Puss in Boots, played adorably by
Antonio Banderas. Therefore, we maybe shouldn’t be surprised that an entire game focused on the
character would work so well. Even so, we are surprised, because you’ve seen the absolute Shrek
dreck we’ve had to wade through for this list. What’s more, versions of this game were made
with motion controls in mind and, miraculously, they worked. Admittedly, I haven’t played
this on the Kinect and I think you would sooner find me dead in the cold ground, but the
critics who had played it using that notoriously awful peripheral actually had good things to say.
It helps that Puss in Boots is an extremely basic game, meaning that the Kinect can get away with
a lack of immediate responsiveness, and players can focus on the simple gameplay instead. The
adventure cycles between stealth sequences, swashbuckling, and…erm…dance battles.
Or should I say…cat-tles? I shouldn’t, because “cattle” is a different word entirely.
The game, like the film on which it’s based, follows the loveable swordsman through
his pre-Shrek adventures. Coincidentally, I also mentally divide my life between
pre-Shrek adventures and post-Shrek adventures. Reviewers praised it for its creativity and
family-friendly approach to the material, and aside from its short length, they
didn’t really have much to complain about. So, yeah, a motion-controlled video game based on
a Shrek spinoff was actually good? You’ve gotta be kitten me. [booing] Oh, come on. That pun wasn't
great...but you don't have tabby rude about it. #1: Shrek SuperSlam (2005)
GameCube, PlayStation 2, Xbox, PC At the end of this list of cheap, pandering
Shrek games, isn’t it nice to finally talk about one that’s truly great? I wouldn’t know,
because I’m stuck talking about Shrek SuperSlam. What makes it stand out, unfortunately, is that
it’s “indeed good for what it is,” as opposed to a tangle of limp ideas or missed potential.
Reviewers at the time compared it to classics such as Super Smash Bros. and Power Stone…and it pales
in comparison to those, obviously. It’s not wrong to acknowledge the obvious templates that inspired
Shrek SuperSlam, but taken on its own merits, it’s a perfectly competent fighter of its
own. It isn’t surprising at all that it’s the one Shrek game that has garnered any kind
of following that isn’t also firmly ironic. There are even Shrek SuperSlam tournaments
which, yes, almost certainly started as a joke, but they continued right through 2021 and are
as likely as ever to keep going from there. It even continues to get fan-made mods and
texture upgrades, which reflects a level of ongoing engagement that other Shrek games
simply don’t have. And, y’know, that’s good. The fact is that there’s actual quality in Shrek
SuperSlam, keeping it from falling into a realm composed exclusively of memes and derision.
Yes, Shrek and pals beating each other up is an inherently silly concept, but there is actual fun
to be had here, with great presentation, a good soundtrack, and the kind of mindless entertainment
that makes for a fine party game. It’s still not especially good, but it’s admirably far from bad.
So, yes, that’s where we end the conversation on Shrek. When the best game on this list was
already – and not unjustly – featured on a show called Worst Games Ever, you know this was an
experience that we’re happy has come to an end. Then again, based on what we’ve seen
here today, we’ve got at least another 33 appearances of Shrek games on Worst Games
Ever to come. I suppose it’s not ogre yet.
