( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN OLD FRIEND. HE STARS IN THE NEW APPLE TV+
SERIES, "THE MORNING SHOW." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW" STEVE CARELL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen:. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> Stephen: NICE, EH? WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER A LONG
TIME. >> I'VE KNOWN YOU LONGER THAN
I'VE KNOWN MY WIFE. >> Stephen: I'VE KNOWN YOU
LONGER THAN I'VE KNOWN MY WIFE. YEAH. WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER. >> I THINK SO. >> Stephen: THEY DON'T DESERVE
US! WE'RE FAMOUS! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I LOVE SEEING YOU, BUT IT IS A LITTLE SURREAL TO HAVE YOU OUT
ON THE SHOW, FOR "LATE SHOW" STEPHEN COLBERT TO INTERVIEW
MOVIE STAR STEVE CARELL BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST THE GUY DOWN IN THE
NEXT CUBBY CITY TO ME WHO IS PUTTING STUFF ON THE FLOOR
BECAUSE THERE ARE RATS DOWN THERE. >> DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE FOUND
THE RAT? >> Stephen: YES, I WAS THERE! YOU REMEMBER WHEN RUBANO FREAKED
OUT AND STARTED BEATING IT TO DEATH WITH A FENCE POST? >> YEAH, I HAD TO WALK OUT OF
THE ROOM AT THAT POINT. >> Stephen: I COULDN'T LOOK
AWAY. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS THE NEW GUY. I GUESS THIS IS WHAT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO DO, I GUESS THIS HAPPENS EVERY NIGHT AT SECOND
CITY. >> KILL THE RAT! KILL THE RAT! >> Stephen: MM-HMM. I FOUND A NEW STEVE CARELL I
DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE, AND I HOPE YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE. THIS IS YOU -- WHAT IS GOING ON
WITH THAT MUSTACHE RIGHT THERE? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU LIVED IN WITNESS PROTECTION FOR MANY YEARS UNDER THE NAME
RAMON GARCIA, I UNDERSTAND. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? >> MY NICKNAME WAS APPARENTLY
PEPE, FOR SOME REASON. >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU
HAVE THE STASH, STEVE? >> ON AND OFF ABOUT 30 YEARS. >> Stephen: I NEVER KNEW YOU
WITH A MUSTACHE. >> I GREW A MUSTACHE TO PLAY
LA CROSSE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT MADE ME LOOK FOR INTIMIDATING. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT THIS! >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU? YOU LOOK LIKE A KNIGHT'S PAGE
FROM 1312. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU
HERE? >> SEVENTEEN. >> Stephen: 17. YEAH. I STARTED GROWING A BEARD WHEN I
WAS, LIKE, 14. IT WAS SUPER EASY. >> Stephen: I KNOW. YOU NEED TO SHAVE HALFWAY
THROUGH THIS SER VIEW. >> I KNOW. I DO. >> Stephen: A NUMBER OF GUESTS
HAVE COME ON HERE, AND I'M SURE PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO YOU OVER THE
YEARS, THE ONE THING THAT THEY KNOW THE BOTH OF US DID TOGETHER
WAS WAITERS WHO WERE NAUSEATED BY FOOD. >> MM-HMM. >> Stephen: WHICH WAS THE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW IF THEY ACTUALLY
SAW IT OR THEY JUST LOVED THE IDEA. >> WELL, ANYTIME YOU SAY
SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND HAVE A LITTLE PAUSE, PEOPLE ARE GOING
TO APPLAUD. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT DO GO ON? WE BOTH HAD SCENE IDEAS FOR THE
DANA CARVEY SHOW. I HAD ONE CALLED WAITERS ARE
NAUSEATED BY FOOD AND YOU HAD ONE --
>> I AUDITIONED A PIECE A PODIATRIST NAUSEATED BY FEET. >> Stephen: WITH NO KNOWLEDGE
THE OTHER PERSON HAD THE BIT THEY KIDS. >> MM-HMM. >> Stephen: I WAS A WAITER AND
USED TO READ THE SPECIALS LIST WHEN I WAS HUNG OVER THE NIGHT
BEFORE AND PRETEND TO BE NAUSEATED FOR MY OTHER WAITERS. WE DID THIS ON AIR AND GOT BOTH
OF US HIRED AT "THE DAILY SHOW." >> THAT WAS THE THING THEY
LOVED. >> Stephen: WHEN THEY FOUND
OUT I WAS IN WAITERS NAUSEATED BY FOOD THEY HIRED ME ON THE
SPOT AND SAID WE'VE GOT TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE SIX MONTHS LATER. >> I TOLD THEM THEY SHOULD HIRE
YOU ON THE TAIL "LATE SHOW." >> Step." I OWE MY CAREER TO YOU BECAUSE
YOU WERE INSTRUMENTAL IN GET MEG THE JOB. >> Stephen: WHEN DOES DADDY
GET HIS BEAK WET? DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY RINGS ON. DO YOU ENJOY THE FAKE VOMIT. >> OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: REALLY? FOR SURE. ( GAGGING )
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST GOING TO WATCH YOU A
LITTLE BIT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GUEST. I WAS JUST STARTING TO TASTE
IT A LITTLE BIT. IF YOU CAN TASTE IT A LITTLE,
YOUR EYES CAN WATER A LITTLE BIT. OH, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS STORY. I HAD A FRIEND NAMED BREWSTER. WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE WERE
PLAYING BASKETBALL. IT WAS THE TIPOFF AND HE WAS
GOING TO THROW THE BALL UP AND SOMEBODY SAID, THROW THE BALL
UP! THROW IT UP! THROW IT UP! AND BREWSTER JUST WENT BLAAAAH
INTO HIS HANDS! IT WAS THE EQUIVALENT OF A MIC
DROP. OH, NO, DRY HEAVE? THIS GUY JUST WENT BLAAAAH! >> Stephen: HOW OLD? ABOUT TEN YEARS OLD. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WHO COULD
VOMIT ON CUE. FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: WHAT BECAME OF
THIS GENTLEMAN. >> A HYDROGEOLOGIST. >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU,
BREWSTER. KIDS, THAT'S A MESSAGE OF HOPE
RIGHT NOW. >> FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF NOT
BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOUR LUNCH DOWN, DO YOU REMEMBER -- BECAUSE
WE HAVE A CLIP HERE. >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
BRING UP A MOVIE THAT I DID OR SOMETHING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOUR LUNCH
DOWN -- I JUST PICKED THAT. >> I TEED IT UP FOR YOU, YOU HAD
TO. >> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE WERE AT "THE DAILY SHOW" AND WE DID EVEN STEPHEN STUFF,
YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF SPRING BREAK AND BINGE DRINKING. >> I WOULD BE THE GUINEA PIG. >> Stephen: NO, ORIGINALLY YOU
SAID WHAT IF THE BOTH OF US WENT OUT AND GOT SO DRUNK, AND THEN
WE DID THE WHOLE FIELD PIECE ABOUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE
BLIND DRUNK. >> YEAH, IT WAS A FIELD PIECE. THE IDEA OF IT WAS TO SHOW THE
EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL ON THE HUMAN SYSTEM, A LOT OF LOCAL PEOPLE DO
IT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, AND AS, YOU KNOW, CAUTIONARY TALE, THIS
IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME SO YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS. >> Stephen: DOING SHOTS AND
STUFF LIKE THAT. >> RIGHT, SO WE WENT TO A
CONTROLLED EXPERIMENT. >> Stephen: AND I SAID, I
THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WHAT IF, THOUGH, ONLY YOU GET
BLIND DRUNK AND I JUST WATCH YOU DO IT. >> YOU JUST ADMINISTER --
>> Stephen: I ADMINISTER THE ALCOHOL, TAKE THE NOTES AND I
BASICALLY QUESTION YOU. I'M THE CONTROL, OKAY. >> RIGHT SO I STARTED WITH, I
THINK, A GLASS OF ROSEÉ, AND I MOVED TO A SHOT OF JAGERMEISTER,
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA, AND THIS WAS ALL ON CAMERA. >> Stephen: WITH TIME LAPSE. WITH A TIME LAPSE. AND YOU WERE TAKING NOTES. >> Stephen: AND YOU WERE
INSISTING -- AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU INSISTED THAT I PUNCH YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YES. I TOOK OFF MY SHIRT AND I SAID
PUNCH ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN IN THE CHEST. >> Stephen: YOU EVENTUALLY
TOOK OFF YOUR SHIRT. WE HAVE A CLIP OF YOU SAYING
PUNCH ME. KNOWING THE SHIRT COMES OFF
EVENTUALLY BUT THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT. >> DID I OPEN THE SHIRT? >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T OPEN
THE SHIRT FOR THIS PART. THIS IS ALL REAL. STEVE IS COMMITTED AND YOU WERE
AS HAMMERED AS I'VE EVER SEEN ANYONE. >> THE DRUNKEST I'VE EVER BEEN
IN MY LIFE. >> STEVE, OKAY! GIVE ME THE TEST, PUNCH ME! >> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO. PUNCH ME IN THE CHEST. OH! OH, JEEZ! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THE NEXT DAY I WOKE UP AND I THOUGHT, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY --
DID I FALL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS OR SOMETHING? AND MY WIFE WAS SO MAD AT YOU. >> Stephen: SHE WAS MAD AT ME. FIRST OF ALL, I TOOK YOU HOME. AND SHE KNEW THIS WAS YOUR
PITCH. I TOOK YOU HOME AND YOU WERE
LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR OVER MY SHOULDERS TRYING TO GET YOU TO
THE FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE. SHE'S, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO
HIM? I SAID I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I AGREED AND THIS WAS HIS IDEA. >> SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
STOP MY HEART WITH THE PUNCH TO MY CHEST. >> Stephen: I SAID, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY ARMS? HE COULD HAVE SHATTERED MY
WRIST. >> THE OTHER ELEMENT WAS THE
RIDE HOME. IT WAS EVIE'S CAR. >> Stephen: IT WAS MY WIFE'S
STATION WAGON. SHE SAID, FINE, JUST DON'T THROW
UP IN THE CAR. >> AND I REMEMBER YOU SAYING,
THERE'S A BAG IN THE FRONT SEAT. YOU WERE SO KIND TO DRIVE ME
HOME. IT WAS ALL PLANNED AHEAD. YOU SAID, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T
TRY TO VOMIT OUT THE WINDOW, AND I MIDDLE EAST TRIED TO VOMIT OUT
THE WINDOW. >> Stephen: AND IT JUST WENT
IN THE DOOR. >> THE WINDOW WAS UP, IT WASN'T
DOWN. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH! >> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I SAID
DON'T TRY TO VOMIT OUT THE WINDOW, BECAUSE IT WAS WINTER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> AND YOU TRIED TO GET THAT OUT OF THE MECHANISM IN THE DOOR
FOR -- >> Stephen: BEFORE EVIE COULD
FIND OUT. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: I DID NOT SUCCEED. NO. SO WE HAD TWO VERY DISAPPOINTED
SPOUSES. >> Stephen: YES. LUCKILY, YOUR WIFE HAS A SENSE
OF HUMOR EVENTUALLY ABOUT THIS. SHE'S ACTUALLY MAYBE FUNNIER
THAN YOU. >> FOR SURE. >> Stephen: YEAH. DO YOU GUYS LAUGH A LOT? >> HM-UM. >> Stephen: NO. JUST STARE
SILENTLY. >> THE SECRET TO A HAPPY
MARRIAGE IS STAYING IN SEPARATE ROOMSO MOST OF THE TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
NO, WE DO THIS ONE THING TO BE SOMEBODY ASKED ME, DOES YOUR
WIFE MAKE YOU LAUGH? THIS IS A LITTLE HARD TO
EXPLAIN, BUT I WILL SAY HER NAME, AND SHE WILL SHOOT ME A
LOOK BUT NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME, SO, SAY STEVE. >> Stephen: STEVE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> NOW I'LL DO IT TO YOU. >> Stephen: OKAY. READY? >> Stephen: OKAY. TEPHEN! ( LAUGHTER )
AND, SO, WE CAN SIT FOR HALF AN HOUR, HONEY! AND SOMETIMES THERE'S, LIKE, ONE
OR TWO DIFFERENT POINTS BEFORE YOU SETTLE ON THAT. >> Stephen: SURE. PLEASE DON'T GO ANY. >> WHERE WE HAVE TO TAKE A
BREAK. BACK WITH MORE MR. STEVE CARELL
RIGHT THERE.
