Escaping Social Awkwardness with BPD: Discover the Untold Strategies

so let's talk about feeling socially awkward and a lot of folks that are along that BPD Spectrum have had this experience sometimes they could be walking in public and you hear someone laughing and you immediately assume that it's about you perhaps you know you're smart but you don't truly believe in your gut that you're smart so you feel as though everyone thinks you're stupid or thinks that you're not smart or you're not elegant or Savvy or perhaps it's that family in the head that I talk about in my other videos it's that internal speak that tells you that you don't fit in that tells you that you're an outcast that tells you that you're this square peg trying to get into this round hole and that you'll be all alone forever because you're so socially awkward you're so weird you're so bizarre all these negative things and you start to say them to yourself but what I want you to realize and recognize eyes is that you're not alone in this that many individuals feel this way and those with BPD may be in an even greater likelihood of feeling like a misfit or an outcast and a lot of this can come from your Social Circle because we populate our Social Circle with people that kind of reinforce our beliefs about ourselves and they reinforce sometimes it's willingly sometimes it's not sometimes it's conscious sometimes it's unconscious but they reinforce a lot of our negative and maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns and when we talk about BPD something that is so complex real complex disorder what happens is is that we do populate our Social Circle our interpersonal circle with individuals that maybe they're just like ah you know what that's just Susan Ah that's just Dave you know whatever it is and we're not pushed back on to do things differently to do things in a healthy way and this is where therapy can be really helpful and you can learn and grow and do all those things but what I want to do in this video we're going to talk about being or feeling socially awkward and BPD so we're going to check it out we're going to get into it the what why and how and I'm going to tell you how to challenge it so what I want you to do like share and subscribe and hit that little bell l so you got the pinky out you hit that little bell if you want and comment as well that's really important for me I'd love to see the comments I love to try to I try to respond to as many as I can so let's get into it now first and foremost what is social awkwardness if we don't Define it if we don't know what it is how do we know if we have it how do we know we're doing it well we don't so we're going to first discuss those signs and symptoms of social awkwardness first feeling stage fright when you have to talk to others and this is not being on stage right it's that sense of great fear and trepidation that I'm gonna sound stupid I'm going to say something stupid and oh my God it's going to sound you know ridiculous and all this other stuff so I mean just just yesterday I was talking to my students and we're breaking down PTSD and complex PTSD and two of my students know a lot about PTSD and we were really kind of hitting on some finer points and I think that you know even though I have more years or experience than they do they have great insight and they brought up something and it really kind of challenged my view of those two disorders PTSD and complex PTSD and I take ownership of that because I think we all learn together and I found myself today kind of thinking boy you know maybe they think I'm an idiot you know but even and that happens to me we all have imposter syndrome we all have things that kind of pop up right but then I'm like you know what probably not if they want to think that that's okay I'm gonna allow them to think that I mean I'm not gonna go back and try to repair it or anything like that they want to think that they can I know I'm not an idiot uh I think I'm pretty sharp guy but when we talk about stage fright and we talk about having those concerns I don't want to be reticent and not talk about My Views even if they're different or even if I learn something from my students which I should we all can learn from each other I learn a lot from my clients absolutely so we don't want to get in our head and feel this intense sense of trepidation when to talk around others so instead we do is we just we stay quiet and we pull back number two physical symptoms such as like muscle aches like you're so tense oh my right and you're so tense and you're so worried about how you're perceived and are you going to do the right thing and who knows what the right thing is and you're just so focused on and fixated and you feel so tight in your and your jaws really cleansed and you're not sure what you're going to do so that and that can be a sign or symptom of social awkwardness that you're in those social situations and you feel this intense amount of stress and anxiety and fear number three cold sweats and you feel flushed and this is something that a lot of my clients actually experience and they do equate it to social awkwardness is that they feel when they're going to meet somebody new they don't want to say something stupid they don't want to seem weird or strange or broken or whatever it may be so they start to sweat a little bit because they're so nervous and then their face gets really red and when their face gets really like oh my God everybody notices everybody notices and there's something wrong with me and everybody is like oh my God you know Susan or Dave you know that oh man they're really anxious what's wrong with them you know but interestingly most people don't and everybody gets flushed everybody gets nervous it happens right but it's hard because that family in the head and that social awkwardness in BPD becomes so intense and get so intense number four is that fast heartbeat is that it's going real fast and you're nervous and these are all those signs and symptoms oh my God you know am I being socially awkward in my word all of these things right you're starting to notice a trend we're gonna keep going with that Trend and I'll tell you what that trend is at the end it's that fast heartbeat right is it oh my God oh my God and then let's go to number five hyperventilation is it as hard to breathe you're like oh my God this is really it's all of this intense social anxiety all of this intense fear like number six having social anxiety it's having these social anxiety symptoms big component of feeling as though you're socially awkward let's keep going because we're moving and grooming now how about number seven number seven is finding social situations difficult to navigate and this can be maybe that you just don't pick up on social situations well sometimes people don't that it's hard to identify particular behaviors or it's hard to think of something clever if you're the person in the group that's supposed to be funny and you feel like everything you say has to be funny let me tell you I think I'm pretty funny but everything I say isn't isn't always funny I can assure you that and uh I have some close friends and um she often tells me that I'm not that funny now of course she means it as a joke and stuff like that but that's funny that she says that I'm not funny because I know she thinks I'm funny because I'm funny anyway so it's that social anxiety component and it understanding getting lost in those social situations and that they can be difficult to navigate because we're so stuck in our head and that family in the head is turned up all the way and it's so loud and so intense number eight failure to meet other social expectations and social norms interestingly about this is that these are often ill-defined metrics meaning that you don't know what's the social expectations are and you're making an assumption about the social norms so how would you know how you're supposed to behave right I mean I've never been to a cotillion I don't know I assume that you would be real chill and be nice I don't know when I'm in those situations what I do I'm just nice to everybody and I like to smile a lot if you ever see me on the street you'll notice I'm smiling I smile at everybody I don't know just a smiley guy right but when you're in the what are the social expectations I don't know what a cotillion are you supposed to smile I don't know what's the social Norm I don't know you can try to figure it out you can learn about it but if I'm thrown into a cotillion and I don't know what to do I think I'm just gonna have to be myself and I think smiling is a nice thing to do and say hi to everybody that's kind of the nice thing to do but what I could do is the other side of that is blame myself shame myself about it and say see well you weren't supposed to smile as much you weren't supposed to say hi to this person you weren't supposed to say that you're not supposed to agree with your students all this other stuff which is just come on I mean that's just unreasonable it's not fair you're not being fair to yourself and you have to do that as well number nine it's feelings of loneliness or being singled out and that sense of social awkwardness it gets Amplified and reinforced because you feel very lonely and disconnected from others so because of that you attribute it oh I must be socially awkward I must be weird I don't fit in I'm broken I'm a misfit all those things we talked about just a moment ago in this video and remember that those things that family in the headed intensifies it like number 10 and it's being less intuitive around social graces and that can be knowing when to use manners when not to is when maybe you'll you'll say like an off-putting joke and it doesn't go over really well and then you go internal then you're talking about blame Brokenness Misfit all those other things see I'm socially awkward I don't understand the situation I don't understand the world that I operate in and what happens is the more anxious you get the more critical you are and the more socially awkward you'll tend to feel number 11 crossing boundaries and unknowingly violating personal space now this can be very very cultural so having worked in different parts of the world giving lectures different parts of the world talking with people in different parts of the world is that personal space is very different than it is where I was brought up right so I was brought up in New York so we're all kind of you know squishy you're getting around and you know so my personal space I like personal space but you know I can tolerate it you know if someone's really close but in some cultures people get very close in some cultures they don't smile always when you say something funny or you know that they're fake laughing you ever get the fake laugh you know what I mean and it can feel like you're crossing boundaries can feel like you're violating personal space we have to look at from a cultural perspective you also have to do what feels right for you and if you're not sure try to ask that person what they're comfortable with and how close is too close I think that when we don't ask we don't get information we start making assumptions and that's when family in the head takes over that's when it really starts to manipulate us and add more problems and more anxiety and more fear and that is absolutely what we don't want to do now recognize that these symptoms they're definitely confusing absolutely but when we add in BPD or other comorbid conditions like anxiety PTSD and depression these symptoms they get Amplified they become more intense also don't forget about the negative self-talk that usually comes with BPD it's that family in the head it makes you feel small that makes you feel broken that intensifies that social awkwardness and those acidic put Downs that you say to yourself like no wonder you feel awkward no one likes you and everyone can see that you're different and weird it's those kind acidic self-statements that wears away your confidence it wears away your ability to push back on that negative self-talk and that's exactly what we don't want to do we want to empower you to push back and grow beyond your BPD that's what this channel is about that's what my books and stuff are about and that's why you're still watching me now these are painful things absolutely and they usually fall into those BPD beliefs behaviors and patterns that perpetuate your BPD and feelings of social awkwardness remember and I alluded to this earlier that we also build up our life to reinforce our beliefs our behaviors and our patterns whether they're disorder based like BPD or they could be healthy based so what we want to do an Adaptive base what we want to do is we want to embrace those things we want to embrace the ability to grow Beyond it and you might be saying well if I have these things why do I have social awkwardness why do I have this where's this coming from what's it all about well let's talk about it so feeling socially awkward can come from a lack of confidence and this can be directly related to your BPD and those self-statements now many individuals have developed BPD to grow up in invalidating environments when you have like emotional reactions right when you were a kid and you had emotional reactions and they were met with an out of proportion response or even no response unless it was extreme on your part and it was in these environments that didn't allow for you to develop social competence so you started to question yourself and your worth and this started to manifest as you feeling socially awkward and those invalidating environments can be really painful they can really add to the confusion and the development of BPD traits symptoms and behaviors absolutely so recognize it's that social confidence and how do we build confidence well we're going to talk about that in just a second now many people have written me because in my community on the YouTube channel so I asked folks what makes them feel socially awkward and interestingly they told me a lot of things and I'm not going to read any of it I'm just going to kind of tell you just to paraphrase an overview of it so a lot of times individuals in these situations will feel like that everyone is against them it's the sense of paranoia now remember BPD for individuals that have BPD not R BPD right because we're not a disorder we have a disorder remember that but that when you have BPD and that stress starts to rise it is common for paranoia to kick in this sense of fear and what that can be attached to is then the sense of social awkwardness that that family in the head starts to tell you well um everybody sees how weird you are or anything that you say then you got to rehearse it and when you rehearse it you're like oh I shouldn't have said that oh man I probably shouldn't have said that they're gonna think I'm stupid they're thinking I'm not smart everybody's out to get me they're going to take advantage of me now all of that all of that intensive anxiety and fear and regret and all those things start to build inside and it can become intense also just as I mentioned is that social competence those invalidating environments that's not always just your home environment it could also be that your peers like other kids maybe you were the weird kid or people called you weird or you were picked on or you were bullied or things like that and you still carry those things with you and if you don't process them out they stay with you they become tattooed on you but just like tattoos you can get them removed and yeah sometimes it's kind of painful but you can get it removed and that's what therapy is all about that's the process of therapy is revisiting these things unpacking it and doing it differently today and not being stuck in yesterday now another component can be in relationships social awkwardness in relationships and it could be that you're looking at others it could be you know men women you know whoever it is and you see other people connecting to them and you're like I just don't have that ability I don't have that game I'm not that slick or I'm not able to you know form those relationships in that way or even interact quite harmoniously or in an easy and smooth way because you feel so awkward and you're so caught up in your head and that judgment that it makes you feel kind of fumbly and feeling fumbly only adds and reinforces that view and it empowers your BPD it empowers your belief of social awkwardness about yourself well what can you do about social awkwardness all right so first I want you to identify core content and what's dry driving your feelings of being socially awkward is it because you feel or you're afraid that you feel inadequate is it the sense of self-doubt is the sense of Shame what's at the core of it the surface content is the social awkwardness it's all of that anxiety and all of that fear that's involved in it but what's driving it because we got to get to the court we don't get to the core we're not going to be able to deal with it and change it for long term and that's what we want to do you want to identify those standards criteria that we talked about that you feel make you feel socially awkward what are those things that stand out you could write them down you could type them in your phone what are the things that you believe cause you to feel and act in a socially awkward way build insight into it you gotta understand it and find the source of the social shame a lot of times there's components of social shame and you want to reflect on your past and you want to know or revisit if you were bullied right were you belittled by a teacher or even your parents or identify that source of shame that can help you understand why you feel socially awkward in various settings next examine perfectionism a lot of times we have this belief that life is like a movie or a TV show it is not that oh you're going to meet somebody and then there's going to be a little bit of turmoil a little misunderstanding and everything's going to click and there's gonna be happily ever after that is a perfectionistic view that you're gonna have this then this and then this then happily ever after it's very common for folks to believe that and have that conception but that is a degree of perfectionism and also understand that you don't need to be perfect you just need to be yourself we have to accept ourselves for where we are and what our skill set is not everybody is socially Savvy I'm not always socially Savvy sometimes I'm sure I might be a little obnoxious people in my life have called me obnoxious a time or two it happens that's okay right because you brush it off you learn from it and it helps to be a little more socially Savvy in other situations because we live through experience so you want to align your actions with your true self and what that can do is that can make you feel more approachable and easier to be around because you're more relaxed you don't have this perfectionistic standard that when we meet we're going to have this experience and then everything's just going to work out because it just doesn't work that way so we have to be open and aware of that I also want you to push back and stop labeling yourself as socially awkward the more you tell yourself something the more likely you are to live it and act on it instead I want you to use the power of your thoughts to be the person you want to be however if you really think you're awkward or weird think about embracing it maybe you like Comics or maybe you like this that or the other thing that maybe you know the general populace doesn't I don't know but Embrace that make that about who you are and what you like there's nothing wrong with that it doesn't make you socially awkward it makes you interested in a particular thing and that's okay if it's not hurting anybody else that's okay also you want to learn to read body language as best you can this can be really tricky but you want to learn to recognize particular gestures facial expressions or non-verbal cues right so that you can relate to someone's sentiment and respond more efficiently or accurately and accordingly now if you're not sure how to do this there's a lot of mental health providers can help teach you about social skills training that can be a huge benefit that can make you build that sense of of social confidence we want to do that for you as well also if you're going to meet some folks and engage with folks have some engaging questions ready and I have a friend and she does it she is a fantastic conversationalist but when she meets a group or she knows she's gonna meet somebody new it's like okay I gotta think of three good questions that I can ask them about themselves and it's it's really I mean she does another goodness of her heart she's not being manipulative she's not trying to trick anybody she's trying to learn about them and what happens is that people connect to her because she has a genuine drive to connect to others it's wonderful and it's a good way to take the focus off of yourself and when you formulate these open-ended questions it elicits someone else to engage with you and carry on a conversation in an easier way and that's absolutely what you want an example could be who's your hero your favorite superhero if you could live anywhere where would it be what is your biggest fear favorite cookie place to eat whatever it is ask a lot of those questions and I know that folks with BPD hate small talk a lot of times like oh I hate that feels so fake why does it have to be fake to know that what someone's favorite cookie is or to know where they like to eat or know their favorite food or to know their favorite movie or favorite that's just learning about somebody and that's part of the process of building social confidence knowing that I can engage with you know that I can interact with you in a way that we can click and connect and accept that it's okay to feel embarrassed sometimes because it's going to happen dealing with embarrassment is part of The Human Experience that's totally normal and learning to cope with it can give you strength and drive to address what you can to address the factors and issues as best you can remember it's okay everybody gets embarrassed everybody says something you know they're like should I have said that you know if there's no malicious intent then it's a genuine mistake if it's a mistake at all you just said it your way maybe it worked out maybe it didn't and lastly talking to a mental health provider can be really helpful because talking to a therapist is another way to learn skills that may help you deal with underlying issues those invalidating environments the history of being bullied and perhaps all of those origination experiences that call caused you or drove your building of these maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns that help to form BPD traits or BPD the full disorder I hope you found this helpful please like share and subscribe comment too hit that Bell if you want and I'll see you next time thanks bye bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 11,039

Keywords: bpd and socially awkward, borderline personality disorder, bpd, mental health, psychology, depression, anxiety, dr fox bpd, npd, personality, personality disorder, narcissism, youtube shorts, dbt, mentalhealth, bipolar, bpd symptoms, shorts, social awkwardness, autism, social outcast, socially awkward, social anxiety, awkward, aspergers social awkwardness, social awkwardness help, how to stop being awkward, being socially awkward, social anxiety disorder, feel less awkward

Id: fWmlYsKvIC8

Length: 23min 22sec (1402 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 09 2023