Escaping Porn Addiction | Eli Nash | TEDxFortWayne

sharing our hardships moves us through shame and into healing both for our cell and others about a year ago I'm sitting in my conference room with a couple of my employees and one of them asks me Ellie what's your goal do my goal for this meeting I asked this is no I'm talking about your 10-year goal I looked him straight in the eye and I said my number-one goal is to never watch porn again both of them were shocked I'm sure it wasn't the response they were expecting the first one kind of mumbled something like it's porn really that bad when I turned to look at the other the other guy his face went from shock to judgement then to disgust almost if to say what's wrong with you what sort of pervert are you how much porn must you have watched for your number one goal to be to never watch porn again why is there so much shame around porn addiction I mean anyone who understands addiction understands that shame and addiction are inseparable but if we were to stack the different addictions and rate the one that has the motion certainly we put sex addiction and included in that porn addiction at the top all of us certainly me I've been at dinner and a friend would say I'm not drinking anymore others would say I don't gamble anymore but I haven't met one person who publicly acknowledged that acknowledges effect that they're sober from porn and/or sex addiction so now you guys have met someone fortunately you know the thing about shame is that shame is much bigger than addiction according to some psychologists shame is a single biggest cause of most of our psychological problems so it's certainly an issue that's worth addressing and if there's an idea that can make a dent in the amount of shame we feel certainly it's an idea worth spreading fortunately there are many subjects that were once steeped in shame and stigma and today are much less so domestic violence even HIV child sex abuse and many others and what I've seen and I think you'll see if you look at it is for a conversation to change it needs people to share their stories so we're able to humanize people who once had this issue take Ryan White's many of you may know Ryan White was a 14 year old kid living in Kokomo Indiana who got HIV from a blood transfusion he completely shattered the stigma of what we thought someone who had HIV was 14 year old kid who got it from a blood transfusion that's not what we thought the bill that Congress passed that funds the help awareness around AIDS is actually called the Ryan White Care Act it's those personal stories that really allow us to change conversations and change stigma my own life several weeks ago you know I grew up Jewish and Orthodox and I know many rabbis until a few weeks ago I didn't know of one who publicly aknowledge acknowledged being sexually abused as a child and several weeks ago there was an article in a newspaper in Utah where a rabbi publicly acknowledged being abused over a 10-year period by his nanny he credited his own willingness to step forward to hearing a leer Iseman the Olympic gymnast who testified against her abuser in court to him doing the same several weeks later the second rabbi I know stepped forward the rabbi in Utah was invited to speak on a podcast and his host a rabbi in Brooklyn became the second rabbi I know publicly acknowledged being sexually abused sharing stories changes the conversation porn kicked my ass but before I tell you how I met porn let me bring you back to who I was I was I grew up one of nine children in a small community in Brooklyn New York from a very young age I felt a lot of fear I felt on edge something was going to go wrong always the one place I didn't feel this way in the home of my grandmother as soon as I stepped through the threshold of her apartment it just seemed like the noise stopped I wasn't worried about something else happening I was just present and I looked forward to those times we went to her home unfortunately over the years she grew ill and our visits to her home became less and less frequent as did my feeling of safety the very next time I remember feeling safe again was when an older boy in the community five or six years older than I was took a little a lot of interest in me he took me to baseball games took me to synagogue he taught me to play computer games and one day he brought me into his bedroom locked the door and used my eight-year-old body to bring himself to orgasm and in that day again my safety was shattered the next time I remember feeling that feeling that familiar or not so familiar feeling of safety that feeling that I was once again in my grandma's home so sitting on my couch and I heard a clink in the mailbox stuff were delivered I ran over and I saw a catalogue with a picture of a nice-looking woman on it so I flipped through it and I made my way to the lingerie section and as soon as I saw those pictures I just felt this piece come over me I was present I was completely there and through this magic mailbox came all sorts of things it became somewhat of a somewhat of an obsession of mine to check the mail one day Victoria shared her secret with me right through that mailbox and then the highlight of my year became some of you may know this the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition so much peace so much safety but despite the fact that I felt good when I was engaged in viewing these catalogs I felt really bad afterwards I felt like I was doing something wrong and I wanted to stop and I promised myself that every year for my birthday every year for my birthday I promised myself I'm done I'm done watching porn and every year on my birthday I broke my promise to myself and it's not because I wasn't committed I really really wanted to as a matter of fact when I was 22 years old I woke up one morning with an eye and irritated I was bothering me pretty badly so I made an appointment at the eye doctor and I went to Mount Sinai Medical Center on Miami Beach when I sat down in the chair and the doctor rolled over his stool and looked at my eyes through his machine a look of concern came over his face he said Ellie you have a corneal ulcer I've looked at your chart you're allergic to some antibiotics ulcers are notoriously resistant to antibiotics that's not a good thing they can cause blindness what I'm going to need from you is to come to my office every single day for the next 14 days so we can monitor how your eye how the ulcer is reacting to the antibiotics his treatment working I left his office and sheer terror I was convinced I was losing my eyesight and I was further convinced that the reason I was losing my eyesight was because I was misusing my eyes I was watching way too much porn in that moment I made a deal and I made a commitment with the universe with God with karma with whoever had this power that if somehow someway this ulcer would clear up I would never watch porn again the second day I returned to the doctor no improvement when I left his office my commitment was that much stronger that much more firm I was never going to watch porn again if this ulcer would clear up the third day I came back to the doctor he looked at me and he said I got good news he thought he was sharing one piece of good news with me but who's really sharing two he shared with me that the ulcer was responding to the antibiotics and I'd be okay although he did want to see me didn't want to continue to see me but the second piece of good news was that I was done with porn I had a deal it was over I was never watching porn again I left his office ecstatic I've never felt so good my friends I did not last one week away from porn because it's not about commitment it's not about willpower it's not even about consequences I was in a place where I was too uncomfortable to even ask anyone for help to even talk to anyone about this you know if someone called me today and said hey Ellie I just went to an eye doctor and I think I'm losing my sight because I watched too much porn one of the things I would do is laugh and tell him that you're not going blind because of porn if that was the case you'd have a lot of blind people I mean the statistics are pretty staggering there's a website fight the new drug org an organization which combats pornography and every year they published the Year in Review of porn so what a 20-18 look like 2018 Year in Review so a hundred million people logged on every single day to see the nearly 5 million videos that were uploaded in 2018 5 million videos that's one video every 60 seconds or so which would mean that if I was to start watching the first one today I would never have to watch the same one twice for a hundred and fifteen years and that's just one website so a lot of people are watching porn but I wasn't comfortable talking to anyone so much so that eventually when I got into therapy and I spoke to my therapist about everything my childhood sexual abuse my relationships or lack thereof my goals my wishes my desires my work I didn't talk I need to tell him anything about porn I didn't tell him anything about me trying and for for so many years with it was too much shame five or six years into therapy I began dating a girl who would one day become my wife when I met her she remind me of my grandmother and there's just a similar feeling of safety of peace and for the first couple months I was with her not only did I not watch porn I didn't even think about it it just it felt like the obsession just evaporated it was gone about three or four months into our relationship we got into a disagreement I felt uncomfortable and I did what I've been doing for years when I felt discomfort I watched a little bit of porn but I felt different this time I felt so much more shame and I knew that there were a lot more at stake before it was just about me and I had reason to stop and I tried to stop but this was going to jeopardize a relationship and as and I certainly didn't tell her about it and as that secret kind of grew between us and pushed us further away I saw what I was risking and I walked back into my therapists office and I told him the truth I'd been hiding a secret keeping a secret from him so watching a lot of porn I really wanted to stop to my surprise my therapist suggested I meet with someone of all people another porn addict I thought I'd get some advice from him some suggestions but no he said the first thing I want you to do is meet this guy so I went to lunch I didn't think I want to be clear I did not think I was a porn addict at that time I wasn't even sure that I thought porn could be an addiction I've since learned better on both fronts but I went to lunch with this gentleman when I sat down with him I was surprised to find someone who was not only very articulate and very easy to relate to he's also very accomplished very professional successfully he ran a company with a couple hundred people and as we spoke he shared his story with me and I found myself sharing more details than I've ever shared with anyone in my life and in the process I felt the shame shifting and if we understand the science of shame we understand why that was happening in that conversation dr. Bernie Brown the famous researcher shame researcher explains shame as a fear the fear of not being worthy of connection so when I'm sitting at lunch with someone and of all people I'm connecting over porn addiction the thing that has brought me the most shameless a McClay for healing he introduced me to a support group of many others who were also struggling with this addiction and I was surprised that the people I met in their successful doctors attorneys people who had their lives together outside of this one area not all of them but a lot of them and I learned a lot about why I was using porn and I began asking my questions like my questions more like why was I using porn right what are the reasons I'm going there verse like why can't I get rid of porn right the focus didn't come on poor the focus moved from porn to my own stuff and a lot of ways I felt grateful for my addiction I began to love it except I hated one thing I hated that it was a porn addiction like why couldn't I get another addiction why of all things was it this and I kind of wondered you know what are ways we can change us I have a mentor and a teacher who says that if we see a problem but we don't see the solution we're the problem but if we see a problem and we see the solution you got yourself a calling so I knew the solution the solution was for everyone in the support group just to share their stories publicly and if they did that everyone would know what a porn addict is and we'd be fine but they didn't so I said you know what I'll start doing it and I began sharing in small ways sometimes one-on-one and like I did in the conference room with a couple employees that day someone better and someone worse but I was enjoying what I was doing and I said you know one day I'm going to do this in a more significant way about six months ago the opportunity presented itself our company every year has a evening of storytelling seven or eight employees get up share their stories share their message and it really creates a strong family environment a family culture creates trust in there and six months ago I raised my hand and said I would like to share my story I would like to share so the facilitator asked me what's your message what's your topic said my message is the importance of asking for help when we're in trouble and my topic is porn addiction you should have seen his face do you think you're gonna talk about porn addiction from that stage I said yeah absolutely that's my story it's a Tele you're the CEO of this company people look up to you people respect you you are not talking about porn addiction we went back and forth and eventually the evening came and I did not talk about porn addiction the next morning and over the next few days I just felt if he may be a little shameful and I told myself that I'm going to share this from a much bigger stage I'm gonna share it from the biggest stage I know I'm gonna share it from the TEDx stage not only for the audience there or the audience here but also that that my story is on the Internet that internet that magic mailbox which kicked my ass for so many years instead of being a vehicle of shame like it was for me when I'll be a vehicle of healing for myself and others because it truly is that when we share our hardships it moves us through shame and into healing both for ourselves and others not long ago I received a text message it read since our conversation I've been clean for three months I haven't watched any porn I don't remember the last time I was clean for a week I thanked him for sharing this with me because it feels really good when my story is not only accepted by someone but they find it useful it helps them he followed that up with another text message and he said I'll never forget who got me started and I pinch myself when I hear these things because who got him started was someone who for so many years was so ashamed of this part of himself so ashamed of the porn addiction but one day I got so desperate that I asked for help and I was introduced to a community of people who shared their stories so freely and willingly with me and in the process taught me such an important message probably the most important message of all my story is not only something not to be ashamed of it might just be something to be proud of so I ask you here consider doing the same talk about porn addiction consider consider doing the same there is no one here who has not experienced shame there's no one who has not overcome struggle and there's no one who does not have a powerful story to share because I can tell you this from my own experience there's no better feeling than turning top then turning shame upside down smashing it upside the head and using it as a way to help others my name is Ellie Nash I'm a porn addict and I want to thank you because there's no better way I've found than this sharing my story in front of an accepting room accepting audience to hit or to give me the best chance of achieving my number one goal to never watch porn again thank you so much you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 1,896,720

Rating: 4.9130669 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Motivation, Self, Self improvement, Self-help, Struggle

Id: dbYWKVAeu6Y

Length: 19min 2sec (1142 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 24 2019