EP 3: Karate! - Freelancers

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- [Presenter] The best treatment (gasping) can only be found here at JP's Pharmacy. (gasping) We stock the latest in medical and non-medical. (gasping) - Is it just me or does it sound like someone is dying in the background? - That might have been me. What happened was, I worry that my breath is gonna be picked up on the microphones, and so I try to hold it, but some of the takes are really, really long and so I end up gasping. - This take was 15 seconds. - That is a decent amount of time, Ms. Judgey! - Oh really? - Yes, it is. - Guys, we met the coolest client! - Danny Devito? - What? - Is that a no? - I'm sorry, you think that Danny Devito is the coolest client we could have? What would we even do for him? Make an ad for short pants? - They're just called shorts. - I don't have to defend myself on this. That man is a legend! Have you seen Twins? - Have you seen Batman Returns? - Have you seen Field of Dreams? - I don't think he's in that one. - Mmm, and you passed the test. - I'm not even saying I don't like Danny Devito. I'm just saying that of the three billion people on Earth. - Seven. - Seven billion people on Earth, seven billion people? Seven billion people on Earth, you think Danny Devito is number one? - Where do I rank on this list? - So you think you're cooler than Danny Devito? - Sure. - Danny Devito, while only a mere four feet 11 inches tall, is twice the man you are! - You know his height! How long have you been obsessed with this man? - Uh, as long as I've had two eyes and a heart! - Was there ever a time where she didn't have those things? (gasping) - We're not on speaking terms, you and I. Not until you atone for this! - Okay, how would I do that? By telling you that his voice portrayal of The Lorax makes him a modern James Dean? - One more word, Owen Darby, and I will end you! - Good, 'cause I don't want to live in a world where Danny Devito is the coolest man alive! - You already do. (stomping) - So, who was the client? - It was this guy with one arm who runs a taco truck. (clattering) - That's who you think is cooler than Danny Devito? - He makes tacos with one hand. (slapping) - I did that with one hand. Guess you must think I'm pretty fly now. (gasping) (beeping) - Sweet glory! (upbeat music) (hip hop music) - Hey guys, how'd it go at the dojo? - It was awesome! - So good! - That is great! It's about time we had an ad we could be proud of. - Oh yeah yeah, the ad will be great or whatever, but afterwards we got to do a free lesson. We learned the ways of the ancients, Zona! - Sensei taught us how to focus and center our chi's, and now we are machines of death. - Mmhmm. (kiai) Oh, see, I almost died. - Oh man! Why are you guys telling me this? You know I have serious FOMO! Are you talking it up so I'll be jealous? - These hands. (peaceful flute music) These hands! I never knew they could create such beautiful things or destroy them! - [Boys] Hiya! - We call ourselves the Karate Cobras. (fake snake hissing) - Guys, guess what? I got a new vehicle! - Yes! Now we can finally transport sound equipment! Praise! - Unnh! - I feel deceived. (tapping) I won her in a back alley game of crazy eights, and I'll tell you, that game lived up to its name. Isn't she beautiful? - I suppose. After today's enlightenment though, I'm not really interested in material things. - Like fabrics? - They did an ad for the dojo today and now they think they're Bruce Norris. - Bruce Norris? - Please, I know I made a mistake, but I can't take the ridicule right now. (muffled laughing) - Very well. We will forebear. Let's go, Cobras. - If you're feeling stressed, perhaps a scooter ride. - No. - They'll come around, Scoots MaGoots. They'll come around. (tapping) (futuristic music) - Owen, can you take a look at this edit for the wedding venue, eh? The deadline is tomorrow and, - Young Zona, the universe has no deadlines. When you become one with everything, you'll understand that the past and future are merely illusions. All things are in the present. - So this is what it feels like to want to kill someone. - Control your emotions, young Padawan, Or your emotions, (yelling) (peaceful flute music) - will control you. I feel so cool right now, I can't even describe. Savor this moment, Owen Darby. She can never know you were reaching for this slinky. ♪ You're the best around ♪ ♪ Nothin's ever want to birthday clown ♪ (heavy rock music) (humming) - Scoots! Who did this to you? Tell mama! Oh, she's cold. Forgot my keys, and my wallet. These are not my pants. Did any of you see who knocked over my scooter? - Did you just forget to put the kickstand down? I assume it has a kickstand since it's basically a bicycle for adult children. - You just lost scooter privileges. - Like I care. Dang it. - Just let me, by Zeus! It's tipped again! Heads will roll for this! Faces will be eaten! - Calm down, Devin. It was probably just a raccoon. They're always rummaging through that alleyway. - What! They know that's my rummage territory! I gotta find their leader. Make an example. Do these pants belong to any of you? Where'd they come from? Ghost pants. (door closing) - 'Cause you can't see them. - Ohh. There it is. - Took me a minute. (funky music) - I'm gettin' itchy. It's been too long since I punched a man. - Me too. I need an outlet to release my new powers. - We should go for a walk. - Yes, please leave. - A walk? Owen, I need to use my new skills, man! - A walk in the bad part of town. - Aren't we in the bad part of town? - Mmmhmm, lucky for us. - Unlucky for our enemies. - And your friends who you have left out! - Ryan? - You guys seriously want to walk around the streets, at night, on the off chance that we'll run into some criminals and have to use our ninja skills to exact vigilante justice on them like Batman, ok I am in. - Seriously? You guys gonna wear ninja masks too? - We should wear ninja masks! - Yes, please! - I was mocking you! - Let's roll, Cobras. (fake snake hissing) Zona? We'll see you later. (edgy music) - No! Who in the world could be that fast? (suspicious music) Ninjas. - [Micah] Guys, we've been prowling for an hour, and haven't even seen one felony! Primetime television has really screwed up my expectations. - [Owen] You're right. I don't know what I was hoping for. (gasping) (ominous music) This is what I was hoping for. - [Micah] Primetime television perfectly understands the world we live in. (ominous music) - [Ryan] Ooh, I hope they're a bad guy. Do you think that they are? I mean, the fog and everything is very ominous, but I would hate to assume. (garbage can crashing) (screaming) (door opening) (groaning) Help us! - What happened? - We were attacked by a crazy person! - He was too much for us. He was a shark, and we were the fish that clearly don't know karate. - Guys, the craziest thing just happened, what happened? - The Cobras were attacked by a mongoose tonight. - You saw a mongoose? Where? Was it eyeing my rummage territory? - We got beaten up, Devin, by some Davy Crockett-looking homeless dude! - Was he wearing this? - Yes. - It was you? (heavy metal music) (hissing) (screaming) (thudding) (taser buzzing) - [Owen] Aaaah! How am I still conscious? (film beeping) - Why did you attack us?! - I lost full control of my body, Devin! Full control! That alleyway is a health hazard now! - I didn't know it was you guys! Although there was a point where I thought I recognized Owen's crying. (screaming) - Full control! - I thought you guys were the ones tipping over my scooter! - No, twas I. (gasping) - I forgot you were here! - How could you have tipped over the scooter? You were inside with all of us. - I hired Mr. Gandolfini to do it. - Man, he touched my scooter? Now I gotta bleach the whole thing. - I knew that if Devin's beloved new scooter were in danger, she'd go to great lengths to protect it, and so she did. All I had to do was point her toward some likely culprits. - The masks! - You guys gonna wear ninja masks too? - We should wear ninja masks! - And so the trap is set. For you, Danny. ♪ She will beat you down ♪ ♪ If Devito Loca ♪ I thought that if I planted the idea inside your foolish heads, you'd take the bait! Once Devin saw a group of ninjas roaming around her scooter, it was a fait accompli. It was a done deal. - [All] Ahhhh. - Zona, that is not cool! My gorgeous lips got busted up and Owen can barely walk and Ryan has a dent in his head. - What? - Three dents actually, but it was two before tonight. Both were from the same golf ball. - Wow, I had no idea Devin could be that brutal. - You didn't think I would savagely injure a group of random strangers? You think so little of me. - What have I done? I manipulated you, I exacted revenge on you. Owen, I completely emasculated you. - Well, I wouldn't say completely. - [Zona] Completely emasculated you. - We don't have to repeat it. - Just none left. - [Owen] I have some left. - I'm so sorry everyone. - [Owen] We forgive you, Zona. - We do? - Even though her actions were cruel and manipulative and strangely attractive to me, we are the ones who drove her to these actions through our own cruelty. Forgive and forgiven? - Forgive and forgiven. - Plus, I got to go full John Cena, and you know I like to go full John Cena. - You have my respect, Devin. You would have made Bruce Norris proud. (laughing) Oh I've been waiting all day to bring that one back! Okay, let's get me to Urgent Care. Urgently. - [All] Okay, got him. - [Owen] Urgently! - [Devin] Here we go, here we go! - [Owen] Coordinate! (crashing) (laughing) (crashing) (laughing) (crashing) - [Director] Left side. (crashing) - Shh. (fake motorcycle revving) (door opening)
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Channel: JK! Studios
Views: 935,705
Rating: 4.9614916 out of 5
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Id: 5LPIfoDjazU
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 13min 47sec (827 seconds)
Published: Thu Apr 11 2019
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