Enneagram Instinctual Subtypes TV show with Katherine and David

what personality type are you what motivates your behavior discover the answers to these fascinating questions on types your personality revealed hosted by personality experts Catherine and David father welcome to types your personality revealed my name is David like co-host Katharine and I are experts and personality typing this is our fourth show and our ongoing series in which we're exploring personality types and what motivates each of us to do what we do in our last show we took a fascinating look at try type a revolutionary advancement in the field of immigrant personality typing we learned that based on decades of research we each actually have three intagram types not just one further that the ego uses these three intagram type strategies in a preferred order in this show we're going to explore a different personality typing system altogether that is both simpler and more powerful than the India Graham this system reveals your core survival strategy and is known as the instincts or the instinctual subtypes when used in combination with your Enneagram type your core survival strategy can be explained by one of three instinctual drives as a matter of survival these all-pervasive instinctual drives determine nearly everything we think feel and do from what we want in relationships to how we want to spend our time how we keep ourselves safe and even how we dress and act as consumers if you have the self-preserving instinct you focus mainly on your own physical survival if you have the social instinct you equate survival with a sense of belonging if you're a sexual instinct you see intimate bonds and one-to-one relationships is your key to survival these three instinctual types can be used alone or used in conjunction with the nine india graham types creating an effect 27 unique personality type combinations we are each unconsciously motivated by the same three survival strategies throughout every minute of everyday understanding your primary instinct and the instincts of those in your life can dramatically improve your relationships at home and at work it can also improve your psychological health and for many it reveals what is in the way of accelerating personal and spiritual growth in this show we will spend the first half giving you an introduction to the instincts and then do an interview with a panel of three exemplars with one of each instinct you may want to determine your own instinctual type before you watch the rest of the show to do that you can take our instincts test online at India gram net next Catherine is going to share with you more about the instincts and what our research has revealed all three instinctual types have extraordinary gifts and all three instinctual types can be difficult and problematic the instincts arise in the belly in reaction to a perceived threat to survival whether real or imagined when this happens our personality goes on red alert and deploys the dominant instinct to protect us over time through trial and error we develop strong convictions about what we should or shouldn't do to be safe these convictions can keep us from seeing other possible solutions we need to use all three instincts but we tend to overuse one in particular the key is to recognize which instinct is running and in charge for example we all need to focus on resources to make sure we have what we need when we need it this is the strategy of the self preserving type we also need to track who is doing what with whom to know who might help us in an emergency this is the strategy of the social type in addition we need to develop and maintain close intimate bonds with a select few to make sure there is a special someone that will protect us when all else fails this is the strategy of the sexual or one-to-one type very early in the research it became clear that there was a stacking order of the instincts a particular way in which we use them I found three patterns one pattern is to have a single instinct that is dominant this makes it easy to identify which type is charge the second pattern is to have two instincts that are very close to one another this makes it a little more difficult to identify which type is in charge because they act in tandem with one another the third pattern occurs when the instincts are like stair steps when this happens the three instincts cascade into one another regardless of the pattern one instinct is always dominant and in charge with this knowledge we can learn to recognize the root cause of our negative emotions and begin to interrupt habitual behaviors that cause distress more importantly when we understand the needs and concerns of the dominant instinctual drive we can begin to develop and sustain more meaningful and lasting relationships so as we begin to explore the instincts a very simple and powerful way to understand how they work is to look to the animal kingdom with animals there's really only three different survival strategies that they use and we see that in humans we actually use these same strategies ourselves so in the animal kingdom an animal can survive on its own and take care of itself this can be for example a snake that finds its own food and mostly lives alone in humans this Drive we call the self preserving instinct the other way that we see animals survive is in a herd or in a flock of birds or in a school of fish here the animal survives by tracking and knowing what the other animals of the same kind is itself are doing and in humans we call this the social instinct the third way that we see animals surviving in the wild is through mating finding a pair and we see this particularly with animals like foxes or penguins where they will actually mate and stay together for a long period of time both procreating and protecting themselves so when we take that same drive and we look at it in humans we call it self preserving what is the search for security and wellbeing for someone else who might be a social instinct their main drive and motivation is to search for others groups and community and then the last is what we call sexual or one-to-one which happens to be the type that Kathryn and I are and this is the search for a mate and intimacy in pair bonding another way to think about this is that there's a part of us that's our hindbrain that has to make sure that we are biologically alive by the end of the day that's all that its job is there to do it's not about trying to give us a personality or something of more sophisticated than that all it's doing is trying to make sure that we literally survive to dinner time this is the way we like to think about your instinct that part of ourselves as you can see in the example we think it was like a stick-figure warrior because it hasn't yet developed out a big personality but its job is protection and there's again three ways to do this if your self-preservation the basic unconscious of the dictate is I am my body and I must take care of myself to survive if you're a social this part of you is basically looking at all of us and the identification is I am my group and I must join with others to survive and the third which we call sexual or one-to-one is it's all about you and me and this again happens to be our our particular type and is a couple this influences everything that we do we do a lot of work with couples and that instinct is really important in understanding their dynamic and so for the sexual instinct the unconscious identification is I am my relationship and I must have a mate or a best friend to survive is there anything you'd like - yeah with the self-preservation instinct it's really about my body you know what does my physical body need in this moment am I tired am i hungry am i sleepy whatever is essential to feeling comfortable and with the social it's like what are they doing and why are they doing what they do and who's friendly who is it and with the one-to-one it's like are we in sync or we matched or we a pair are we going to be able to take care of each other will you watch my back I'll watch yours if you watch mine and we'll be unit so before we begin to go deeper into understanding each of these people will often say how do I know which instinct I am and I kind of have a little joke but it's actually very true which is where I'll say what makes you behave badly and invariably if your ego is triggered which means you're in a bad mood you're upset you're having trouble in a relationship some way your instinct has been threatened because its job is to make sure that you survive and as we now know with evolutionary psychology we did not evolve from humans that overestimated their ability to survive we evolved from those that underestimated it so your instinct is designed to sound an alarm bell if the tiniest thing gets threatened in its area that it considers that you need by your security right and that is incredibly important to begin to understand this which is why when you learn it you can begin to deal with that alarm bell and make different choices so next we're going to take a look at some examples of the self-preservation instinct I would add to what you said David that again it's real or imagined so if I just think in my mind that we're out of sync then it's stressful to my personality whether it's real or not exactly and that's critical and that's a good way to start to begin to look at the three instincts and with the self press it's about food shelter clothing time energy money all the things that take care of us so now let's take a look at a video montage of some people that identify with the self-preservation instinct how did you know that your instinctual subtype was self-preservation um I find that I need a lot of quiet time and I'm always saying there's never enough time energy or money to to do all the things that I want to do you know my day to day life really revolves around sort of basic necessities I would say food and shelter and you know just sort of down-to-earth type of things like what do we really need I never had enough we burn wood at our house for heat every time I take wood away I think I won't have enough whether it was the bank account or running the house or providing for the future that became dominant so what we see here with all three examples is they're talking about the needs of the body so this survival strategy basically is if my body is okay I'm okay and so they keep talking about things like basic necessities time quiet time all right having quiet time so Katherine can you explain this collage and how this helps us understand self-preservation even more yes self presence about food shelter clothing time energy money you can see the word traditions and economic anxiety now we're all worried about that right now but overall the self press person wants things that taste good cost less quality things that endure things that are practical functional especially the way they dress they'll be a little more conservative than the other two instincts and a little quieter in their presentation and style yeah I was just in Portland last week and it was amazing to me because compared to here the way everyone dressed was all self preservation it was all about wearing clothes for rain or comfort or durability whereas if I go down to Los Angeles it looks Hollywood you know then we get the sexual subtype about the flash our instinct really it comes out in all kinds of different ways and if we look at the research the basic desire is is for security its security for the body and that trumps the relationship and then the fear is of not surviving can you explain that a little bit well what I'd add is the relationship could be a resource it could help with survival so the self precedes everything equally you need all things to be comfortable and the fear of not surviving is that I could be annihilated what could go wrong things if I if I eat this food and I don't feel well then I can't do well on the show and it the the mind will track everything that's potentially a threat to the body and to a sense of well-being so this is a type where if they're unconscious tells them that there's any potential problem physically what happens for them they start to get anxious or what hey Fred this is the type that's most inclined to fret to be ill ADIZ to push to have the security of resources that make them feel safer now this type sounds kind of selfish to me but my understanding is that's not true they're all three selfish right it's what are we going to be selfish about what are we going to really pay attention to and this type pays attention to time energy and money and they're also the type that's most inclined to be nurturing of others so you'll always have the dichotomy of both I'm going to be so focused as self pres but I mean have resources and I may share them with you so my experience of myself Bret's friends is that if I tell them I can't get together for maybe I have a cold or I don't feel well they're very very understanding Mary they may even help me figure out how to get well quicker whereas my social instinct or sexual instinct friends they don't quite have as much empathy around that so that's another thing I find too is we have a lot of empathy around our particular instinct and now we'd like to take a look at some video examples of social instinct how did you know that your instinctual subtype was social my primary is social I want Group acceptance I'm very comfortable in groups I protect the herd you might say being in a group as a social instinct is very important and feeling like I am supported in the group and feeling that I have some sort of ranking in the group is really important to me mostly for the fact that I have a really strong desire to not so much belong either but have an identity amongst a group although I did not fraternize much with people in the class I knew almost everything about them and I knew all their names I mean I would and if you showed me a picture of a class I would be able to identify everybody in the class even now so here what we're seeing that's such a great example yeah that last example is just fantastic where he knew the names of everyone in the class and with the social instinct if you think about it if you're part of the class the class is like you're hurt and you have to know where they are that's part of your survival strategy and and tracking all those details and needing that identity in that group or class or the family of man so to speak exactly I actually even use the word identity that you want to have an identity in the group and Tom is talking about lying to protect the group it's all the focuses on the group that focus isn't on the body anymore it's on to survive I've gotta know what's going on with the group and a key piece here is that a social instinct doesn't mean that you're a party person no it doesn't mean you're an extrovert you can be anti-social you can be anti-social exactly so we see a lot of people that are social instinct and they maybe identify with a group that as a whole as sort of an antisocial group um so can you give us some good examples here on the on the collage well the the Center image says people and if we think about the Oscars that's a great example of the social instinct it's measuring people who's the most beautiful who did the best job who worked on what project so all the images somehow or another have groups now this research was done in 1995 so the political climate at the time was different than it is now but we could say basically the same thing there are different tribes different groups of people and there are images about aspiration about being together about etiquette and what you should or shouldn't do when you're with others so it's about belonging it's about connecting social instincts our focused on what other people are doing with other people absolutely and wanting to know where they stand within a group and what their prestige is this seems to be the main focus and the fear of the research is it's a fear of not belonging or of low-ranking being outcast of being excluded sometimes social subtypes won't even venture forward because the fear of being excluded is so great and maybe they wouldn't have been excluded but there's an awareness of it a tracking of what people are doing and whether they'll include you or not I think that we're tracking it's really critical is that for each of us whichever our instinct it is we're tracking that area of life and we kind of see things through that lens all the time and without learning these instincts it can be very hard to honor or understand that someone else has a different instinct and what they're valuing and tracking and what their motivation is is really different so is there another example from the collage that you particularly like well yes there's in the grouping I'd also want to say that they've determined that gossip is an important part of survival and the reason for that is when people talk to one another and track others they know what's going on where the water is good or bad or safe or run unsafe right I mean you think about through human evolution we always survived and I think they've seen mostly like groups of 200 so you'd have to have really good social instincts yes to understand what what they what you need to do to belong and survive so next what we'd like to do is let's take a look at the sexual or the one-to-one instinct how do you know you're instinctually subtype or how did you recognize it when you first learned it I would think that I've always been in a tight bonded relationship that was a really easy one because I'm very intense and very passionate this is I always want to connect I really want to be close the focus has been really on the closeness and the intimacy and the affection and the conversations and the time together and I just feel lost without wonder one time I think that tells me a lot about it I very much wanted when I went to visit him that it was just us the hung out I've always longed for the special relationship just always always been so it seems even in these examples you hear words like wanting to be bonded in the relationship this is also the intense version of the time yeah the most intense time what what is did you notice in the exemplars well that they all focused on the relationship and focused on the special someone and addressing the need for a mate and to be bonded this is the type that wants an affinity to be in sync with the other there's a tremendous need to survive in terms of what the connection is as opposed to what the group's doing there's more twinkle and shine this instinct wants to be attractive because they have a fear of being undesirable so it's not about being excluded it's about the significant person in their life not finding them attractive enough to want to protect them take care of them to be drawn to them so that they have sense of power and influence so what would you say the main fear of this particular instinct and desirability it's in a way it's unattractive but no one wants to be unattractive it's more undesirable whether it's the way we dress or our personality we're going to do something to create a way in which others that are really important to us not everybody just a select few that will find us really desirable and is this the type it's more likely to accentuate their gender in terms of their presentation yes this is like the peacock the masculine and feminine roles in nature of exaggerating what will draw others to us so for example we're going to care more about our appearance than the self praise or the social so just want to match their their group their tribe we're going to want to stand out in a singular way so the self prize dress is for the body the social is dressing to match their group and the sexual is dressing to attract an inmate or to sort of maximize their attractiveness and individuality the personal charms so to speak so on this collage you see there are a lot of things having to do with the heart now all types can be hard 'full but it's the sexual one one type that's focused on the intensity of the relationship dynamics of the closeness so all the pictures are about being close and these were sent in by participants that knew that they were the sexual one in one type so all our romance in an extreme way is more indicative of the sexual instinct it seems important to note too that this is not just about actual sex but this is know wanting deep intimacy yes and above the different instincts this is the type that actually wants to have heart connection with romantic connection the most they want them together right they want it together at the same time so when I look at the collage but we see a lot of intense eye energy I notice that with sexual instincts that they're very comfortable making a lot of intense eye contact when you and I are both sexual instinct you know it's all about going deeper better where yeah why don't we for understanding and whereas with the social they're more doing the interview overview and checking everybody else out and the self press uh you know conversation could be nice but they don't want to get right in here like this and really see or at least not for long a lot of people will complain about the sexual instinct because there'll be too much eye contact too much of a need to pair up and be just a unit as opposed to matching the group or tending to whatever's needed for the body right okay well next what we're going to do is we're going to take a very short break and then we're going to come back with a live panel that we're going to interview with an exemplars from each of the instincts and I suggest that if you can you might want to pause the show go to Enneagram dotnet take our instincts test if you don't know your instinct come back and watch the panel welcome back and now we have a panel of three different instincts and we're going to get a live example of what it's like to have each of these instincts dominant in your life so I'd like to start with asking the panel to introduce themselves and to tell us their name their instinct and their tri type hi I'm Joanne I'm a self pres one with 2 5 as my tri type hi I'm Peggy and identify with the social instinct and my tri type is 2 6 1 and my name is Spence Spencer on a sexual 8 with a 6-4 tri type that's always so intriguing because it sounds complex but basically what's helpful for us is to understand what your dominant instinct is and how you discovered it because it takes a while so join how did you knew that you were a self pres it's a it's about managing resources is my priority so time energy money you know making sure I get to sleep on time making sure you know I know where things are you know so a sense of security a sense of safety a sense of you know being oriented in in time and space but it's always managing that juggling of you know getting enough sleep you know making sure I have time to get where I need to go safely things like that so and comfort is that important to comfort is it it changes and it varies but yes there is a level of comfort required and in a sense of consistency in in in comfort of course you've been unbelievably generous sharing your time actually all three of you by being in our earlier shootings and you're in the montage today and that required a lot of energy and time on your part correct it is a challenge to to engage that always requires much more energy than then probably for for some of the other types where it's a more natural thing but yes you very generously brought the food which is very nurturing and very much appreciated and that's at the high side of this South browser we really really appreciate it and Peggy as a social instinct how did you decide between self prez social and sexual 101 what was the determining factor for you looking over the arc of my life being the quintessential hostess was always something that I really enjoyed uh sort of the high side of the social instinct it was always very important to me to feel like I fit into the group and I could give back to the group in some sort of way and I did this by entertaining in my home and I really enjoyed having my home look beautiful and having people over and enjoy that that gave me a lot of pleasure you really have facilitated many many events for us which were very grateful and it seems so taxing to me as a one-to-one but how does he give you energy I just like being able to use my creative talents in that way I get a lot of energy being around people and connecting with them I do like to connect with the people that come to my home and it just makes me feel good to be able to give those resources in that way it's very different isn't it yeah thank you and Spencer how did you know that you were a sexual one-to-one instinct um it's kind of actually pretty easy I grew up with it you know being your son and all yeah but the the key the key thing was I actually had this best friend that was a social subtype and uh I always consider myself social until there was many times where I'd be going over to his house and he lived in a neighborhood where a ton of the friends we hung out with at school lived two blocks away and it would drive me crazy when I go over to visit him and all his friends would come over and all of a sudden start realizing that my one-to-one time was being taken away from me and even though I very much enjoyed all those other people and liked hanging out with them it wasn't about you know okay I'll hang out with Chris on Tuesday I'll hang out with you know Jason on Wednesday you know I would rather compartmentalize and have individual bonding Tai's yeah that's a great example because you didn't get your energy from the group even though you enjoyed it you wanted the energy of you and your best friend right I remember it well I remember you getting in trouble actually once and the principal saying oh no no Spencer explained that it was all about the difference between the two instincts I'll never forget that and he goes what was he talking about well let me tell you but that's Sookie and yet I'm imagining that you're here and willing to give this time based on the bond that you and I share and you and David share as opposed to wanting to be here yes I would definitely say that this choice of activity would not be at the top of my list however helping someone who I really really care about who it kind of supersedes everything else and it's just like okay I'll be there for them it's that you know relationship and I know they do the same for me so yeah that's a great example it David is there anything you want me out or do you want me to go on well I had a question when we teach the instincts we people often say well wow I see that I do some self press stuff and sometimes I act like a social times I act like a sexual how do I know which one it is and I'll often say well track what makes you behave badly and really what I mean by that is that when we become anxious or stressed or maybe we get defensive so I'm curious for each of you I'm a sexual I know what certainly know what it is for myself but what happened what is it that happens in your life that will trigger your instinct that will then make you behave badly now that could be something very simple like just being a grumpy mood or feeling anxious or upset so I'm curious for each of you based on your instinct what it is that if something happens that instinct gets triggered for you or that survival issue gets triggered for you for me it's it's time being late you know not having enough time just always feeling like I'm watching the clock and and having to budget and meter time because time for me is energy so you know so running late will really stress me out or other people being late will really stress me out so because it because it's its cost of time what about issues around health or money is that those are often self esteems do I you know they do they do affect me you know obviously when anybody is ill they go to their self pres but for me time is probably the way it translates for me is probably the most critical issue I will sacrifice money for time because for me time equals energy you can always make more money you cannot make more time and so that's my currency yeah it's a great point because each self pres will be focused on something else for oneself present might be money another it'll be time another it'll be energy and another might be the resources of food or the home enjoying just real simply how do you know when you're sort of uh survival alarm bell has gone off what what usually I'll have a tantrum okay or some kind of emotional meltdown or get cranky or just you know in some way just you know not be my normal self in a sense of anxiety will rise usually what happens you know I'm sitting there any morning my foots tapping and I'm getting a little huffy and getting a little cranky and it's like you know and then I have to have the conversation of okay calm down the world is not coming to an end you know and and just sort of try to get back to normal yeah exactly I like what you just said to have the conversation because I think once we know what our drive is then if we do get anxious we kind of know how to self-soothe better yeah and those around us can know how to help soothe us better so it allows us to get out of that sort of automatic reaction a lot quicker so Peggy what about you how do you know when your social instinct is getting triggered or what what might trigger it for you something that happened recently this is a somewhat of a superficial kind of example but I was invited to a party and my host and I went and I didn't realize it was a themed party and so people were dressed a certain way and I did not have dress the right attire for this Mad Men themed party and I felt like I would rather have ants crawling up my nose then go to this party and be there knowing that you know everyone was kind of checking each other out or at least I was and I didn't have the themed but themed dress on so that was um you know it was really interesting to me that I still react oh yeah well it's destabilizing for sure yeah I had a friend that went to an event with me where people most people were white I didn't worry about it because I'm the one to one yeah well when she saw that most people were in white it was really upsetting to her even though she knew that it was just social instincts so yes it's a great example it is because the sense here is that for the social if I don't match my group it's it's danger this is like a fight-or-flight response and it's not necessarily for most of us it's not rational on the high side is we often develop a tremendous talent around it which we'll look into a little bit in a minute so Spencer what about for you like what triggers your instinct or when you know that that sexual instinct Drive has gotten triggered or it's not being met how do you experience that or you have an example of what would do that for you yeah I'd probably say it comes up most with like girlfriends I've had a not all my girlfriends have been one-to-one like I am so they don't always necessarily handle an emotional situation the same way if they were to pull away for example and I lose that connect then I a different me comes out and I do anything I can to get that back even if what they're doing is hey I just need space it's totally rational it's totally like it's taking me a really long time to understand that that's kind of what I'm going through and it's like okay okay everyone's different separate but it's still really hard because I know everything's okay when it's all in sync again that's how I know all right that's a great example for the sexual instinct because the sexual instinct their survival feels like it's dependent on being in sync and that's the perfect word and as a sexual subtype couple and business partners that's the issue for us all the time are we in sync you know are we doing things the way we each want to do it and if we're not then both of our you know our issues start to come up so that's a really good really good question so Katherine do you want to begin to explore this yeah I wanted to quickly ask you how has it helped you knowing that you had the dominant instinct that you did anything in particular come to mind that you might want to share or help your relationships yeah personally or how does it helped in your relationships to know your instinct well for me you know it things like especially traveling with other people there's always the sense of having a need to do things in a certain timeline you know need to travel so long rest so long stopped for food or whatever so I I had to make the conscious decision to say okay I have to let that go I have to suspend my need for a particular comfort or a particular timeline to to be able to actually travel with others or or to do things with other people you know it's sort of like okay now operate in a more group dynamic and so it you become aware and hopefully adapt that's hard for all of us but I do get what you're saying and I think maybe it's really easier for a social subtype to focus on trying to adapt accordingly I used to use an example when we taught that when my sister and I were little kids we lived next to a very very steep hill and we would get on a piece of cardboard we'd climb to the top and we'd slide all the way at the bottom and once you got on that cardboard you started sliding there was no way to stop you're either going to fall off and roll to the bottom of the hill or stay on the on the cardboard but it's like your instinct once it's triggered it's really really hard to reel it back in like what Spencer was sharing nice to run its course I think I runs its course because the nervous system the brain is saying alert alert alert so that's why this becomes a sort of lifelong meditative practice and for a lot of people it's a like spiritual practice in the sense that it being present and not always sort of buying into the alert that the instinct is telling you often really helps people so thank you what about for you what how has it helped you in your relationships or with yourself to know your instinct um well one of the ways I'm learning to to actually show up more authentically in a group is to you know notice when those triggers are coming up of thinking maybe I'm not enough or somehow I'm not measuring up because I find that I shut down and not only do people not really get to know who I am but I also don't take the time to really understand who they are because I've judged myself and others in a way that sort of shut down the intimacy and also and in other relationships learning to have balance and knowing that in my family life that I spend time and sort of my social esoteric pursuits but then I also have time for my relationship with my husband and also for being connected to my kids and their social activities in a way that I wouldn't necessarily choose but but I do it because it's part of all of who I am yeah that's a great way to say it balance now you're not going to stop being socializing you can just be healthier expression of it are recognized yeah and is balancing all three instincts as well but in my social instinct balancing my social pursuits in that way thank you so Spencer how has it helped during your relationships or just in your own personal growth to know your instinct I mean I guess it's more personal awareness more than anything I don't want to repeat the example I used before but that's really a part of the most crucial area but it doesn't have to be you know internships it could be you know platonic as well just understanding that how many things aren't personal so so many things come across as personal because everything that I do is for personal reasons I do it because I'm trying to show hey I want you to know that I'm there for you that you know we that were reluctant and if someone doesn't do the same I took me a long time but it really helps with understand that you know not everyone's trying to send the same message it could just be anything you know yeah it's really so true so very very true yeah so Spencer you have a interesting career where you actually are helping people every single day a lot of whom are ill and I'm wondering if your instinct shows up in that in terms of the way that you want to connect with them oh yeah oh yeah I see that I mean I remember their kids names they they would go on a trip and they'd come back and I remember because I like making that personal bond with them and it's important to me that they know that I've made that ball of them it's not just you know selfish where I need the body also need them to know like hey I'm calling you by your first name I remember you like you are an important person and so it definitely definitely comes up because I can't do it any other way like I can't just be like okay you know next person huh you know like DMV stylize can't do it it's really seeing somebody as an individual and as a unique individual minded to make that personal connection yes that's very very much then and he's one-to-one social right social second so that's what happened when the two are in tandem that they're both critical but the personal bond is leading mm-hmm yeah whereas I have self presence I'm really mean to people so when you when you think about which two types are the most dominant they do create something very particular especially with the try type and instinct so Joanne in your case the five in your try type would make you even more reserved that's a good distinction and Peggy you have the six and yours which is going to make you come out and want to engage with others more and Spencer having the four six and eight are the three most declarative types you know they have to call off what's going on as it's David with that try type whereas I have the seven in mine I'm going to smooth things out so it's wonderful to look at them together but the driving force is like what triggers the whole system what triggers the any grandpa it's the instinct so what would be the talent that you see that you have from your instinct that maybe a son that's easy for you to do that you've noticed that it isn't so easy for other people to do there might be a different instinct I I think it's just a matter of being cautious and trying to make sure that not only am i safe or that you know needs are met in some way that you know that something is fixed or repaired you know I mean I saw water on the floor and I made sure they knew in the store there was water in the floor and it wasn't a lot but you know somebody could have fallen so it's something like it is that's one in south Fred's got one in self presence great other it's a great example and for me I think it would be in gathering people together and for not necessarily for a cause but sometimes for a cause and giving a contribution in that way also in making people feel welcome and at home and having a sense of social graciousness in that way extraordinarily gracious um thank you that's much what I can think of it is a gift an attribute yes yeah yeah it's been - what about for you and you've just shared some of this already but as a sexual instinct what talent do you see that that shows for you I guess not not to say that others don't you know exhibit this or exhibit it well but it's kind of it comes from like a selfish place I would think but empathy because I so very much need that connection to be good it's very very easy for me to know so someone's off very very easy for me to know especially if it's someone important to me best friend girlfriend whatever and so therefore I'm very very good at listening very very good being supportive because I need them to feel okay like I need that so selfish or not it makes me they really good at it so you're really good at seeing whether you've got that in sync connection right yeah it's just I can feel it honey I think it'd be another run that Jackie feeling it's an energy yeah it definitely is so we've got about 10 more minutes so lots more good stuff to explore Catherine do you have a question that you'd like to ask yes when when you think about your experience as a child sometimes it's easier to see was there anything that any of you noticed when you were a child that Spencer gave a great example with his friend when he didn't really understand what it was until I taught him but he was already exhibiting that so for example my elder son he couldn't miss daycare because he had to go say hi to the kids before he wanted to spend time with me I remember thinking hey but I have a day off whereas Spencer being this sexual one-to-one it was forget the kids you know the bond with mom or mommy in that case was much more significant so parenting ah being parented so is there anything more that you'd want to add about what your experience was like as a child and noticing maybe this similarity difference for the parent or sibling well when I was a child I'm the oldest of four and so you know when my parents would go shopping it was like the ducklings I know we were all lined up but I was always in the back hurting my younger sisters so you know as the one you know and the self pres I was the one that is making sure nobody got lost and this is when I was a small child so there was that high level of responsibility that the one has but also the the instinct to make sure that every everybody is safe and we you know that they don't hide and remember my sister ran and hid under some coats once and I just absolutely panicked because I couldn't find her and you know this was when I was probably you know I might have been ten years old so you know you are what you are from that rises up doesn't it you know so you know and that was always the way I well I was the responsible conscientious itself as I wouldn't come in yeah and and so that was the yeah monitoring it making sure all the little ducklings were lined up and safe I love that word choice monitoring because that is what the self press does it monitors the environment and the potential for danger like I would have just said I'll find a better hiding place it wouldn't even have occurred to me that a sibling needed to be in though instead it would have been oh well I can hide better than that it wasn't something my parents told me to do it was just this was just something that it was always that way thank you um I was the sixth child in a family of seven and my social group that's a social group and I remember feeling responsible for really taking care of the emotional feelings in the group and I wrote in a journal when stead it's been a good day when when everyone's happy and I do think that I felt personally responsible for the happiness of my family members and and it was a good day I felt like I'd done a good job if I managed to keep everyone happy by being a good girl or being whatever it was that they needed and not and not feeling like I needed to have any needs or desires or Express the emotions that I was really feeling so that's how that played out in my family when I was younger and then as I was in high school and a little older I I was a very social cheerleading dancing class officer bringing people together that was really important to me well just those those roles what we didn't say about this the social instinct is they identify with the role right or the identity whatever it is they need to do to be a part of and each one of those is a role right right and even in high school it was still very important that I was everybody's friend and that you know I kept the guy I moved in a lot of different social circles I was able to do that and keeping people happy and relationships go see the social to is the people networker yes more than any other type they know everyone everywhere at least a little bit and making them happy is really critical yeah so when you combine those elements it's pretty dynamic but then that's also a lot of pressure absolutely because you have to also track the happiness of a lot of people right and forego what's really going on yeah myself and the high side of the social instinct is that you know how to sacrifice your personal for the sake of the whole yes absolutely the low side is you're always tracking where you fit in right and have the fear of being excluded yes yeah that's a great example the minute you have four people you're in group dynamics that's a great example I hope this answers the question correctly but I have this memory of when I was a kid and I think it's like fourth grade I didn't mean it and everyone had to come up with a poster and in the center had to be like so animal that they were identified with or something along those lines and I found mine really really quickly and started noticing a bunch a bunch of kids having issues with that and so I kind of turn to the kid next to me and all of a sudden of nowhere I don't know what even inspired me to do this but I started asking them but your questions about themselves and started making that one-to-one relationship and found out okay oh well I also watch Discovery Channel a lot loved animals so combine that Shark Week right exactly oh yeah Shark Week but yeah and so I would I make a personal bond and then I would from that but like oh well this sound be good bah bah no the kids overheard me and this all of a sudden to each kid which I loved I was getting to know bunch of kids I didn't know yet and so yeah I remember I remember that because it made it really really helpful um and that's the different member using that when I was a kid and as I got older it you know getting into high school there's lot more drama um everything was always wrong long phone calls yeah stuff that doesn't matter now of course but when you're kid it's everything and see how once again that shine through me listening and being supported all that and that is an important quality to the one:1 instinct is to have that intimacy the confidences the relationship that is deeper not how are you doing who would you do it with what was fun but more okay how is this about you on a deeper level right and actually many therapists are one-to-one instincts because it's a natural place to do that and those that are not one-to-one first often have it in the second position because it facilitates that so I would anything you want to well I have one more question as I think we're a little bit of time left Kathryn did a study on the instincts and intimacy that was actually validated by the University of California Davis and the amazing thing was is it it showed it was statistically validated that each instinct actually has a certain way that they like to experience intimacy now in terms of what would make them feel loved or validated and that this was really important in their relationships that they're made or their significant others understood for example on their birthday what it is that they would like the most or what would what would be the best for them so if you think about it for a minute what in terms of intimacy in the sense of your best friends or and looks like we're getting low on time so quickly what is it that someone can show you that they love you in the sense through your instinct in one word care just you know doing something that would show care I'd like to feel supported in my social pursuits I'd say affection you know feeling actually loved and you know feeling that affection you know on deeper level yeah what one of the things that I remember that was so amazing with that study was that it was so clickable to couples because for example if the wife was a social instinct what she wanted on her birthday wasn't the romantic dinner with her husband it was to have all of her friends come up sad celebration and whereas if you have if the wife had been sexual instinct what she would want would be maybe you know some acknowledgment of the depth of love from the the husband so it's very specific in terms of how we want that done whereas my sister for examples of self prize and if her husband gets her a really spiffy new vacuum for her birthday she's really happy right whereas I think you know Catherine would probably that wouldn't work for her very well as a sexual so it would be first on might be first on your list but even what we want in terms of our relationships and that's why when we do a lot of coaching and work with couples or you know work teams that the instinct is really more influential and more powerful than anything else so what we'd like to do now is I want to thank all of you thank you so much really appreciate your time and your wonderful answers and I'm sure it'll be very educational for people and so for those of you who have been watching the show if you'd like to get more information you can visit us online our website is India Graham dotnet we have several to any Graham test there there's a distinction of subtype test there if you like twitter our twitter handle is Enneagram you can find us on facebook too and we'll see you next time thanks for joining us you I

Channel: David Fauvre

Views: 29,109

Rating: 4.8562093 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, instincts, enneagram instinctual subtypes, instinctual subtypes, David Fauvre, Katherine Fauvre

Id: YWwaQC35UAE

Length: 55min 26sec (3326 seconds)

Published: Thu May 24 2012