Emotional Fluency: The Language Black Boys aren't Taught | Nate Evans Jr. | TEDxWhiting

[Music] it was 2004 and two very significant events had taken place first kanye west had just released his debut album the college dropout second i was graduating from the eighth grade and heading into high school i was so influenced by kanye at the time that i even wore a pink polo shirt to my graduation it's a little cringe when i look back on it now but i thought i was killing the game then after the graduation ceremony my dad pulled me to the side and he said he had to share something with me now in my young 8th grade mind i'm thinking okay he got me a surprise maybe it's some new sneakers or maybe it's the the new nba live that features vince carter on the cover now what he had for me it was a surprise but it wasn't the surprise i was expecting he pulled me to the side and he said this he said here's what's going to happen over the next few years while you matriculate through high school some of your friends are going to drop out some of the girls are going to get pregnant some of your friends are going to prison and some of your friends are going to die and i remember thinking like man you just killed my celebration like that was super extreme but what he was attempting to do was prepare me for what would inevitably happen and looking back i don't fault him for this like i understand because here's the reality he too was never exposed to safe spaces and he never learned the language of emotional fluency and i'm a firm believer that you cannot teach what you do not know so quick question how many of you are familiar with this image right here a few so what this is this is actually a screenshot from a viral video that was a few years ago the boy in the blue shirt was then six-year-old noah the boy in the white shirt is his younger brother four-year-old cory so let me explain what's happening right here corey is on the verge of an emotional explosion literally reason being his nintendo switch had just ran out of batteries major crisis right noah realized what cory was going through and he stepped into that space as his older brother to create a space for corey to feel his emotions see what noah understood was that if he could create a space where cory would feel those emotions he could then walk him through an exercise to help him change his state and he did just that so within a matter of minutes cory was back smiling and having a good time and what could have been a moment for an emotional explosion actually turned into a practical lesson on safe space creation as well as emotional fluency and guess where noah learned this from his mother ashley west who regularly practiced mindfulness and meditation meditation practices with her boys so before we move forward i don't want to assume that you already know this so let's briefly define what a safe space is as well as emotional fluency a safe space is a place or an environment where a person or collective of people can feel confident that they won't be exposed to emotional or physical harm emotional fluency is being able to sense translate and express those emotions in a healthy and productive manner it was now 2008 i managed to make it through those last four years of high school after experiencing everything that my dad shared with me prior my focus was basketball as well as clubs and they served as scapegoats from any emotional traumas or pitfalls that i would fall into shortly after that with graduation again after experiencing everything that my dad said i still became a first generation high school graduate i was prom king i was an all-star athlete and i also earned a full-ride athletic scholarship to play basketball in memphis tennessee if only accomplishments could heal open wounds the summer after my graduation i actually stayed with my pop-up for the summer because he planned to drive me from new jersey all the way down to memphis tennessee and his infamous astro van as an athlete and a freshman incoming freshman i wanted to make sure that i made the starting lineup so i would train intensely i'm talking two a days sometimes even three days because i really wanted to break that starting lineup and one day after i was training i came home again to my pop-ups house and i noticed that he was sitting on the couch hole in his stomach and what looked like agonizing pain so i walked in i asked my brother i said um how long has he been sitting like this he said you know a few hours i'm like man that's strange because i'm used to my pop-up always doing something like when the casino actually made him retire he would always be home fixing something cutting the grass making something sometimes he would even break stuff so he can fix it again he was that kind of handy guy i viewed him as a superman-like figure so to see him in his position in this type of pain i panicked first thing i did was shot him to the emergency room i started to call family let him know where we were and as my family started to come into the emergency room the doctor came in from the back and he said is this the evans family yeah this is us he said i have some challenging news to share with you robert has intestinal gangrene now i'm 18 years old i have no idea what that means so in my brain i'm thinking okay you're gonna give him some antibiotics okay he'll be home on what day i wasn't thinking the worst he continued to talk and he said the gangrene is progressive and there's nothing we can do to stop it or slow it down you may want to say your goodbyes and in a moment in a moment i watched superman literally disappear in the kryptonite bed right before my eyes with my brother and my father and this would be my emotional breaking point because we all have one especially our black boys and for me shortly after his passing i would go into a deep depression and i would start suffering from severe anxiety now i actually still went down to school in memphis tennessee but i dropped out after the first semester i will end up going to four other colleges after that while battling with suicidal ideations and the unwarranted pressures that black men face in america that causes us to become modest to our masculinity now while my pop-up's passing was ultimately that that tipping point that breaking point for me it wasn't what pushed me up the the proverbial ladder of emotional destruction i was a ticking time bomb like most of our black boys are today and if it wasn't his passing that pushed me over the edge it would have been a next traumatic event literally it had been an extramatic event it's interesting because when you shake a soda can you can't really tell if it has been shaken until you open the top and it explodes everywhere in the same way you can never really tell if the black boy has been shaken emotionally abused or traumatized until some type of event happens and then his top is open and he too explodes everywhere see without the language of emotional fluency and safe spaces to cultivate that in black boys and men are merely just big toddlers see toddlers lack the comprehension to express how they feel and what they need they literally just cry or scream some of them might even say mama or dada repeatedly and it's up to us as the parents to understand that need and address that need but here's the thing for black boys and men those cries are rarely ever tears instead they come off as a embrace of behaviors acts of violence drug abuse and in worst cases suicide in the american journal of ortho psychiatry an article titled boys don't cry addressing the unmet needs of african-american boys is state that african-american communities are lacking safe spaces for black boys to express their emotions and they're also lacking mentor groups as well just imagine imagine right you're a young black boy you're being exposed to violence you're being exposed to racism as well as white supremacy and then you're also seeing black males be murdered on a loop that plays on every social media platform that you log on to see safe spaces and their language of emotion and fluency is a necessity a necessity for us to survive so nate how did you become emotionally fluent well i'm glad you asked because i know you want to know right while in the posture of running from my own emotional trauma i found myself in my bedroom in the dark contemplating and wondering if this would be the day that i would end it all these were my thoughts right i was three colleges down i just had lost a close friend of suicide and another one in prison i was flat broke and me and my family were on the verge of being evicted from our home now looking back i realized that i didn't necessarily want to die i just wanted to kill the pain and my best friend he noticed that something was off with me he noticed it he sensed it right that's what best friends are for and saying i'm good wasn't good enough for him to leave me alone so and the act of love and compassion he said look you need to get out of the house i'ma take you to the gym with me he took me to the gym and when we got to the gym he introduced me to two other black men and they invited me into their brotherhood so we started training and working out five to six days a week but before we would work out we would sit in that locker room for about 30 to 45 minutes and just talk and fellowship and what i was exposed to in that locker room it changed my life forever i was exposed to men not even just men i was exposed to black men being vulnerable and transparent sharing what they were going through and how they were getting through it and i don't know if they intentionally did this at all but those men they created a safe space for me to feel seen and heard without the fear of judgment tony robbins actually has a quote on that and he says that the quickest way to learn a new language is to immerse yourself in the environment where that language is primary so now as an entrepreneur as a mentor part of my work is going into schools and different underserved communities and teaching students and staff members the importance of safe space creation as well as emotional fluency because what i believe is this for black boys if we can get them early and help them to change their internal world their external world will be shaped by them instead of their external world shaping them in 2020 i published a book titled i love you letters of love from black men to black boys with love being the blueprint to create a safe space for someone that you so this way you can actually teach them the language of emotional fluency and allow them to feel and embrace their emotions right and now when i say love i'm not talking about the watered down version of love that y'all know from your soap operas and sitcoms and things like that with the conditions attached to it none of that i'm talking about an unconditional love agape if you will right that consists of four action steps we're gonna break these down real quick four action steps listen open heart validate encourage listen with the intention to understand and not respond open your heart up to embrace and feel the emotions of our boys validate that their feelings are in fact real and respect them as valid and encourage them with how you show up every single day with energy and how you interact with them you have the power and the ability to discourage them or encourage them now i noticed for me by applying these four steps over a sustained period of time i realized that i was able to create a safe space for black boys in a matter of minutes a matter of minutes and again you have the power to do that as well in the book post-traumatic slave syndrome dr joy de gru she paints the picture of trauma being passed down from generation to generation now if that is true if trauma can be passed down from generation to generation then imagine this that means that healing and love can also be passed down from generation to generation but it starts now with us everyone here everyone viewing it starts with us to provide our boys with the tools that they need not to just survive like we're past survival but we're talking about thriving now so i want to ask you a quick question before i go really quick question and i want you to sit with this question i want you to ask yourself have i turned off my empathy button is the language of emotional fluency something that's only for me my family and my culture now if you answer yes to any of these questions non-verbally i would not ask you to raise your hand or say anything but what i will ask you to do is turn your empathy button back on and lend a helping hand in this emotional war zone that black boys are unarmed to fight in to every black man and black boy under the sound of my voice that will see this for years to come if you've ever felt unseen unheard unloved misunderstood disrespected left out just know i see you i hear you i love you and i'm fighting for you thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 50,810

Keywords: Communication, English, Hope, Life, Marginalized, Masculinity, Mental health, Personal growth, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:42504]

Id: PNMBRcoBb-Q

Length: 15min 51sec (951 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 27 2022