We live in a society. That much is true in the SCP Foundation’s
native universe, or any others. But whenever you live in a society, there
is always the threat that someone with malicious intent will come and tear your carefully-constructed
society down. People like, say, the Joker, the iconic, terrifying,
and darkly hilarious Clown Prince of Crime from the world of DC Comics. The Joker has been causing chaos in the worlds
of comics, cartoons, movies, TV Shows, and video games for almost a century, from Romero
to Nicholson to Hamill to Ledger to Phoenix, and when he’s not duking it out with the
Dark Knight, he’s doing everything he can to prove that the world is only one bad day
away from total pandemonium. And to that end, he regularly allies with
anomalous entities, people, and groups. That’s more than enough to put him in the
sights of the SCP Foundation. So today, we’re using the trusty Anom-O-Tron
6000 - our state-of-the-art simulation computer, made through proprietary anomalous means - to
see how exactly a tussle with the Joker might go. And if there’s one thing we know about this
grease-painted gangster, it’s that regardless of where he pops up, he always needs a mentally
ill dude with an incredibly tragic backstory and a bunch of special skills and gadgets
to take him down. Enter the SCP Foundation’s very own Dr.
Jack Bright. It’s an unstoppable chaotic force Vs an
immovable chaotic object. But who will win? Let’s crank up the machine and find out! It was pandemonium over at Site-19. Bodies littered the ground, the walls were
perforated with bullet holes. Several anomalies had been stolen, and another
several had escaped. It was one of those worst-case scenario type
situations. And naturally, this meant a guaranteed stressful
morning for the unimitable Site Director, Dr. Bright, who already had enough on his
plate trying to organize the annual SCP Foundation Christmas party. He entered the main hall, where a heated confrontation
between Foundation Agents and a group of heavily-armed interlopers had taken place. Jack was flanked on both sides by several
Mobile Task Force operatives who’d been dispatched to help fight off these foes, but
by the time they’d arrived, the intruders had already disappeared. Dr. Bright shook his head and tutted, surveying
the room. There were at least twenty or thirty bodies,
considerable property damage, and even green graffiti spraypainted onto the walls, depicting
mostly crude symbols like evil smiley faces, Anarchy A’s, the Stussy S, and some words
we need to blur out, because SCP Explained is a family show. In some regards, it had all the hallmarks
of a typical Chaos Insurgency raid: A group of heavily-armed operatives steaming in, guns
blazing, indulging in a little smash and grab, and leaving a trail of Foundation operative
blood on the way out. But there were certain details here that gave
Dr. Bright pause, before resetting the typical “X Days Since Chaos Insurgency Attack”
on the break room whiteboard. Dr. Bright waded forward into the carnage,
stepping delicately around multiple bodies on the ground. There were many of those strange little wind-up
chattering teeth, producing tinny laughter from their tiny voice boxes. There was a funny smell lingering in the air,
almost like circus peanuts and cotton candy. But the weirdest of all was what had happened
to the bodies of the Foundation operatives themselves: All had pale faces, wide, staring
eyes, and bright red grins. Why had so many of them died bearing such
grotesque smiles? Was this some new anomalous entity or weapon
that Bright had never even heard of? When the Chaos Insurgency discovered an anomaly
before the Foundation, it never boded well for anyone. That’s when Dr. Bright heard something from
one of the bodies on the ground: A deep, hacking cough. Bright immediately ran over to the body in
question: It was a junior researcher who’d had the presence of mind to put on a gas mask
and play possum as soon as the attack began, leaving him the only survivor and eyewitness
to the account, as the interlopers had been smart enough to kill all the cameras before
the attack began. “Phew, thank 343 somebody survived this
catastrophe,” Dr. Bright said, wiping some sweat from his brow. “What the heck happened here, kid?” The junior researcher slid off his gas mask,
revealing his trembling, tear-streaked face. It took him a moment of steadying himself
to speak. “I’ve never seen anything like this. It was a Chaos Insurgency raid, I recognized
all the uniforms from those seminars we needed to take in orientation. But... but there was this one guy with them. I’ve never seen anything like it.” “What kind of guy are we talking about here?” Bright asked. “He... He had a white face, like a clown, with these
big, red lips and green hair. And he wore a purple suit. And that laugh. God, I’m never gonna forget that laugh... When he came in, he released some kind of
toxin. I saw everyone who got enveloped by the cloud
start laughing like him - Not happy laughing, laughing like it hurt, but they couldn’t
stop. I was able to put on my gas mask just in time,
but then the Chaos Insurgency guys with him opened fire. It was ten minutes of hell. And then... They were all just gone.” And with that, the junior researcher passed
out from the stress of recalling his traumatic incident. Bright ordered some of his subordinates to
cart the kid off to the medical ward while they straightened the rest of this madness
out. So the Chaos Insurgency had found themselves
a new star operative - or some new maniac is out there calling the shots now. Either way, bad news bears. Dr. Bright narrowed his eyes pensively and
said, “I think a man who calls himself The Joker was behind this attack.” “What makes you think this, Doctor?” asked
Sergeant Richards, an MTF Officer. “The graffiti is definitely a pretty strong
clue,” Bright replied. On the wall to the left of Bright and Richards
were the words, “I WAS BEHIND THIS - SIGNED, THE JOKER. P.S. HA HA HA!” etched out in that same garish, green spray
paint. As with any attack on the SCP Foundation’s
primary base, Dr. Bright needed to perform a debrief with O5-1, the leader of the O5
Council, and discuss the plans for how they want to deal with this new “Joker” fellow
that seems to be buddy-buddy with the Chaos Insurgency now. Dr. Bright sat at the end of a frankly unnecessarily
long meeting table, with a live video feed to O5-1’s undisclosed secure location on
the other end. But things were about to get a whole lot worse. Because as Dr. Bright explained the situation
to O5-1, the last thing he expected in response was for the man to say, “Oh god, him again?” As it turned out, in the anxiety-inducing
spiel that Dr. Bright would receive from O5-1, this Joker had really been making a name for
himself in the SCP Foundation’s bad books. He’d done several jobs with the Chaos Insurgency,
but that was apparently only the start of his work with the Foundation’s various most
maligned Groups of Interest. Foundation informants have reported that the
Joker - The moniker they’d need to stick with, since seemingly nobody knows the guy’s
true name - had sold several of the high-value anomalies he’d collected with the Chaos
Insurgency to the heartless moneymen at Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd., and he’d been using
the resulting capital to fund himself an increasingly large and dangerous criminal empire. But it didn’t stop there. Given the Joker’s silly yet deadly clown
theme, he’d been using his ill-gotten gains to purchase whimsical weaponry from the Wondertainment
Corporation. And to give him plenty of anomalous manpower,
he’d been headhunting the various super-powered freaks working at Herman Fuller’s Circus
of the Disquieting, whom he lured over with both higher pay, and comprehensive company
dental insurance to make sure those big, evil smiles were full of pearly whites. Nobody knew what his end goal was, but it
was clear that the Joker was now an established power player among the deluge of dangerous
Groups of Interest out there, at the expense of many, many Foundation lives. “So... What are we gonna do about him?” Dr. Bright asked. “Send over the boys from Red Right Hand
to give him the JFK special?” “Don’t you think we’ve already tried
that approach, Jack? Please, don’t insult my intelligence with
such an obvious suggestion,” O5-1 replied. “We’ve sent numerous hit squads to take
him out, but he always seems to be one step ahead. The last one got a tip-off that he’d be
hiding in a penthouse apartment in Gotham City - some absolute toilet bowl of a town. But when the team arrived, all they saw was
a comically large gift-wrapped present with a note saying, ‘For the SCP Foundation. Lots of love, Mister J.’” “Well, that’s not so bad,” Dr. Bright
started to say, before O5-1 cut him off with: “Turned out the present was filled with
highly-pressurized napalm. Next time we saw that team, well, let’s
just say that the Joker saved us the standard cremation costs for employee fatalities.” “Oh,” Dr. Bright replied. “Yeah, that’s pretty bad, actually.” O5-1 told him that the solution was exceedingly
simple. To defeat a dangerous prankster, you need
to send a dangerous prankster after them. Dr. Bright would be the perfect candidate
to track down and take down the Joker in the name of the SCP Foundation, but of course,
Jack had one advantage that the Joker didn’t: Jack was pretty much impossible to kill. However, it wouldn’t stop this demented
clown from hurting him really, really bad. It was clear that the Joker somehow had a
mole inside the Foundation, which is why, for maximum security, O5-1 decided to keep
this little mission purely between himself, Dr. Bright, and the Foundation spy that tipped
them off to the Joker’s current whereabouts: A lair he’d constructed in an abandoned
amusement park in Gotham City. Dr. Bright felt tempted to comment that maybe
this was a little too obvious, but decided to hold his tongue, because he didn’t feel
like getting chewed out by O5-1 again today. He would be flown out to Gotham City in a
classified Foundation helicopter so that he could enter with as little fanfare as possible. From there, he would need to track down and
incapacitate or kill the Joker himself. It wouldn’t be an easy task, but at least
it would distract him from causing mischief of his own at the SCP Foundation in the meantime. Dr. Bright soon found that they really weren’t
kidding about Gotham City: The place was a dump. It was like the very worst parts of New York
and Chicago had a dirty, gothic baby full of mobsters and flamboyant supervillains. A hotbed of malice, poverty, and unchecked
crime. The kind of place where you could probably
get shot while leaving the theater with your wife and young son, even if you were some
kind of billionaire philanthropist. It was no surprise to Dr. Bright that a place
like this would produce a maniac like the Joker. He’d be eager to leave once the greasepainted
freak was defeated. Rather than risking any flashy Foundation
vehicle that might draw too much attention to himself, Dr. Bright simply took a cab to
the edge of the abandoned amusement park. It was a dark, dismal place, surrounded by
a thick mist that really contributed to a general mood of foreboding. Dr. Bright could see figures moving in the
mist, so he lifted up his pair of Foundation binoculars, which would easily cleave through
the mist and get to the truth of the situation beyond. And the situation was definitely less than
ideal. It was a hive of clownish activity on the
other side. Weirdly buff henchmen in clown makeup carried
large boxes - presumably filled with weapons or stolen anomalous items - while other muscular
mutant clowns carrying assault rifles guarded them. Just beyond them, there was a huge funhouse,
shaped like a giant clown’s head. Given the Joker’s general lack of subtlety,
Dr. Bright assumed - correctly, we might add - that this would be where the Clown Prince
of Crime would choose to hang his hat. That’s where Bright would sneak in, club
him into unconsciousness with a Foundation-issued defensive baton, and then call in backup to
take the bothersome jester away. It was a perfect plan. Dr. Bright infiltrated the amusement park
and began to sneak through. Thankfully for him, he’d learned perfect
stealth from years of discretely putting buckets full of water on top of the doors of some
of the SCP Foundation’s most distinguished operatives. This made it an absolute cakewalk for him
to slip in between the oafish freaks that the Joker had hired straight from the greedy
anomalous ringmaster, Herman Fuller. As Bright drew closer and closer to the funhouse
where the Joker was most certainly lurking, he wondered why this had even been considered
such a challenge by members of the Foundation’s most well-trained mobile task forces. Unless, he thought with an internal chuckle,
this whole thing was some kind of ridiculous, elaborate trap. Though Dr. Bright didn’t get to finish that
thought because before the thought was done, a muscular arm brought a blackjack down onto
the back of Bright’s head, knocking him unconscious. When Dr. Bright awoke - his ego more bruised
than his head, thankfully - he was tied up at the bottom of a throne as extravagant as
it was strange. Atop this throne sat the Joker himself, eating
from a plate of Little Caesars’ Crazy Bread, though to a man as demented as the Joker,
Crazy Bread was just considered Normal Bread. Bright shifted on the ground slightly, and
saw a familiar yet strange face behind him, wielding the blackjack that had laid him out
not long ago. It was a classic person of interest: The Man
with the Upside Down Face, also known as Manny, who’d been head recruiter at the Circus
of the Disquieting, and Herman Fuller’s right-hand man... with an upside down face. Manny was an utterly ruthless figure, not
above intimidation, violence, and kidnapping to achieve the goals of his employers. It only made sense he’d work for the Joker
- it gave him a chance to continue doing what he did best. Jack’s thoughts were interrupted by a cackle
from the man of the hour. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dr. Jack
Bright - Jack of all trades, master of getting captured,” he gloated. “So delighted to finally be making your
acquaintance! The ones they’ve been sending so far have
been so darn boring. It’s why I’ve been sending them back,
extra crispy!” Dr. Bright struggled against his bindings,
to no avail. “How do you know my name, you gaudy freak?” Jack asked. This got another laugh out of the Joker, who
rose up from his throne and began dismounting, holding an ornate walking cane with a tiny
gold version of his own face on it for a handle. This guy really had a knack for presentation. “I know a lot about you, Jack, especially
not to lay a hand on that pretty necklace of yours,” the Joker said. “But in the wise words of the great Shania
Twain, that don’t impress me much. No, Jack, what I find so interesting about
you is the fact you seem to be the only one working for those Killjoys at the SCP Foundation
who has a sense of humor!” The Joker was standing right in front of him
now. Jack was at eye level with his fancy black
brogues. If only he could get out of his bindings,
Jack would complete the obnoxious clown’s look by giving him a big, red nose. But instead, the Joker looked at Manny, and
waved the upside-down-faced henchman away. As Manny left the room, the Joker produced
a long knife from his coat. Jack certainly didn’t like the look of that... ...Until the Joker leaned over, cut through
Jack’s bindings, and helped him to his feet, even brushing the dust off his lab coat. “I didn’t bring you here to die, Jack. That’d be a waste of effort. I’d have just sent somebody to come shoot
you and bury your medallion in concrete,” the Joker said, patting Jack on the back. “No, no, no, I want to offer you a job on
the ground floor of my new growing enterprise! I’m looking for a team player. Someone with experience. And most importantly, someone who knows how
to take a joke.” Dr. Bright was confused. This wasn’t how he expected this to go at
all. “What exactly is this enterprise?” Dr. Bright asked. “That’s simple, my good man,” the Joker
said. “I’m going to steal up all the anomalies
I can, and use them to make this world a little more interesting. All those other groups I’ve worked with,
including yours, are all too focused on consolidating power. Even the so-called Chaos Insurgency really
just wants order, their order. Me? I just want life to be a party; I don’t
need to be the host. And with enough anomalies, I can tear reality
a new one, and make everyone see the world how I see it. It’s the ultimate prank! The gag to end all gags! And in this new world, Jack, nobody will tell
you what you’re not allowed to do! You’ll finally be free - just like yours
truly!” Jack thought about it for a moment. It was an undeniably exciting idea - Finally
working at a job that valued him for his unique attributes. Being part of something that let him be himself,
rather than constantly scolding him for doing what they perceived to be wrong. Who gave them the right to decide, after all? Dr. Bright could see the Joker’s mouth stretching
into a wide grin as he considered it. Could he really betray everything and everyone
to make the world a more comfortable place for himself? “Well, Jack?” the Joker asked. “What’ll it be?” Jack sighed and punched the Joker in his grinning
face. The clown staggered back, furious. He yelled, “So that’s how it’s gonna
be, huh? Okay, Jack, guess you’re just another sad
sack!” Dr. Bright stepped forward to take another
swing, but the Joker grabbed at the false flower on his lapel. The flower squirted a thin stream of highly-concentrated
acid at Dr. Bright, but the anomalous Foundation researcher thought quickly. He grabbed and lifted up his indestructible
medallion, using it as a mini shield to block the acid. It burnt his hand a little, but most of the
potentially devastating damage was deflected. As Bright continued running towards the Joker,
the clown pressed a button on the top of his cane, causing the device to turn into a sword. As the Joker swung for him, Jack pulled out
his Foundation-issued defensive baton. They clashed weapons with impressive speed
and ferocity, but the Joker undeniably had a kind of vicious killer instinct that Dr.
Bright didn’t. Jack killed to live, the Joker killed for
the sheer fun of it. “Face it, Bright, you can't beat me!” Joker yelled. “I’m da Joker, baby!” But gloating was a mistake. It gave Jack a window. While the Joker was midway through one of
his demented laughs, and their respective weapons were locked into a mutual clash, Dr.
Bright punched the Joker in the throat with his spare hand. It broke the clown’s laugh off into a choking
splutter as he stumbled backwards. Seizing his opportunity, Jack kicked the Joker
in the chest and knocked him to the ground, clattering the cane sword from his hand. “No fair!” The Joker spluttered out. Dr. Bright reached into his coat to grab the
emergency handgun he brought with him, but it was too late. The Joker, laying on his back, had already
pulled his own gun on Dr. Bright, and was aiming it right at him. The Joker didn’t hesitate. He pulled the trigger - Bang! As in, the word “Bang!” on a little flag
popped out of the wind of the Joker’s pistol. Dr. Bright was bemused as the Joker just started
laughing again. This whole thing really was nothing more than
a big gag to this guy, wasn’t it? “Sorry, Jack,” the Joker said, regaining
his voice. “I couldn’t resist.” Then, the Joker squeezed the trigger again,
causing the little flag to fire out with the speed and force of a crossbow bolt. Thankfully, Dr. Bright was able to dodge,
causing the flag to stick into his shoulder, rather than his intended target, the heart. But Jack had had enough. The exhausted researcher pulled out his gun
and aimed it at the Joker’s head. He was bringing this clown back to Site-19
cold. The Joker still laughed, even at this. He stuck out his tongue in a childish gesture
of spite. “I hate clowns,” Dr. Bright said, pulling
back the hammer and curling his finger around the trigger. He was about to fire when a black-clad had
closed around his wrist. Bright turned, baffled, to see Batman holding
his wrist. “Sorry, kid,” Batman said. “But I didn’t get into this game to let
anyone get shot. Not even him.” Bright was too confused to reply. The Joker gave a performative sigh. “You always know how to ruin the fun, Bats,”
Joker groaned. Before Dr. Bright could formulate a reply,
Batman punched him in the face, knocking him out cold for the second time today. When Dr. Bright came to, both Batman and the
Joker were gone to god knows where. Dr. Bright sighed, rubbing his aching head. He really should have taken the Joker’s
deal, shouldn’t he? Now go check out “SCP-001 When Day Breaks
Dr Bright” and “SCP-682 VS Dr. Bright” for more of the wacky adventures of Dr. Jack
Bright!
